AN: Thank you to everyone for your wonderful feedback! I appreciate your kindness! Thank you also for your patience--it's hard juggling a full time job, 2 school-age girls and a household! Writing this story has been a pleasure for me and I'm glad you're enjoying it! The end is in sight--eventually. But I do apologize for not posting often. I'm sure those of you with families understand! THANKS!
Again, thanks to CatMom for her shippershrink advice and Pretz for her awesome beta work!
~~~To All The Girls I've Loved Before~~~
Harm sat there bewildered, staring at Maddie as if she had two heads. "You want to talk about what?" his voice loud and incredulous. The eruption was of volcanic proportions, enough to disturb Zolly. Deciding to find a safer place to nap than in the cross-hairs of the big guy on the sofa, the furry cat dashed under Maddie's chair and wove himself between her legs before scampering off to his favorite hiding place under the desk.
"Harm, I want you to . . ." Maddie said, leaning forward slightly to clarify her statement again. This time she spoke just a little slower, figuring he didn't hear her clearly.
"I heard you loud and clear the first time, counselor. What I don't understand is what any of my past . . . girlfriends . . . has to do with this . . . whatever you'd call it," he shot back, waving his hand for emphasis. Hearing what sounded like a snicker coming from his right, he threw an annoyed glance toward Mac, his raised eyebrow cautioning her.
For as amusing as his exasperated look was, she restrained herself without further hesitation, feeling guilty for laughing at Harm's visceral reaction to someone wanting to dissect his love life. Mac knew all too well that it was serious business. These sessions were like pulling a loose thread on a well-worn sweater-pull it the wrong way and it would unravel the hem. With Harm, if Maddie pulled it the wrong way, it would probably unravel the whole lot.
Trying to keep her frustration with him under control, Maddie continued, "Harm, if you remember correctly, Mac discussed her past relationships, including parental influence in her life. In order for ME to have insight into what makes YOU tick, I need to hear about yours as well." No wonder these two can't communicate-the male species clearly speaks in one language and hears another-damn fighter jocks, she thought, gritting her teeth. "They ought to come with an instruction manual or at least a translation guide," she muttered under her breath.
"Fine-do you want to start in-utero or shall I just jump to the teenage years-your choice." Harm gestured with his hands mockingly before crossing them on his chest defiantly. I'll be damned if I'm going to make this easy for her, he thought.
Maddie sighed loudly and rolled her eyes, her irritation with him becoming quite evident, especially to Mac. At least I don't feel so alone in the frustrated-by-Harm department, she thought. Better get a handle on him before Maddie throttles him.
"Down, Sailor. Would you just give Maddie the benefit of the doubt? Please? She knows what she's doing. We've come this far," she said, her voice low and fraught with insistence, hoping he'd heed her not-so-subtle warning.
Harm was about to voice his irritation with the whole situation once again when Maddie's phone rang, taking her attention away from them.
"Excuse me for a moment," Maddie said. She set their chart down on her chair before running off to get the phone. With a sigh, she welcomed the distraction. You're a lucky man, Commander, she thought, turning her back to both of them to make the call as private as possible.
Mac watched Maddie for a second, and then leaned in toward Harm, "I'm sorry I laughed-I was out of line," she whispered, her voice taking on a serious tone.
Relaxing a little at her sincerity, Harm managed a small smile. "I guess I better learn to loosen up a bit, huh?" he asked. That was probably as close to an acknowledgement of being an ass as it's going to get, Mac thought, taking it for what it was worth.
"You have to admit, though, you do make an easy target, Commander Control Freak," she snickered, trying to add just a smidgen of levity to the situation.
Harm chuckled, "You're funny," for lack of anything better to say. His mood had tempered somewhat with Mac's attempt at humor. Even though he was uncomfortable with his turn before this firing squad of one, he resigned himself to the fact that it all was necessary. These sessions weren't a walk in the park for them by any means. If they were ever going to get past whatever it was that came between them, they would have to work together. Besides, Mac went through hell for me too many times. Why should I be immune?
Right at that moment, Maddie finished her phone call and returned to her chair across from them. "I'm sorry about the interruption-my 12:15 appointment just cancelled. Now-let's start this over again, shall we?"
The disturbance of the phone call was just enough to give the three of them some time to regroup. Thank goodness for good timing, otherwise I would've found a new place to put my fuzzy slippers, Maddie thought with a sly smile aimed in Harm's direction.
Harm straightened his posture on the sofa and decided to put forth his best effort-not for Maddie-but for Mac. It wasn't going to be easy, but the least he could do was try. Looking over at her, it didn't take much for him to remember how distraught she was yesterday. Again, one question echoed in Harm's troubled mind-why did we let it get this far?
Maddie collected her thoughts, determined to get them on the right track today. She realized that jumping right into things with Harm right after her private meeting with Mac probably wasn't in their best interest. More than anything, she wanted Harm to be a little bit more forthcoming about his past and hopefully, how it affects his relationship with Mac. From what she had observed, he was a true officer and a gentleman, despite his stubbornness. Case in point-his protectiveness and undying loyalty to Mac. Having watched his interactions with her, especially today, she could see glimmers of hope in their relationship. Yet, he was still holding something back. It was as if he had built a fortress around himself for whatever reason. Deciding it was better to back-track for a moment than to piss off the Commander again, Maddie thought that maybe a review of sorts was in order.
"Let's recap for a moment," she said to Harm and Mac, looking for their approval. Both nodded their heads simultaneously in silent agreement.
Continuing, "Yesterday we ended our session discussing Mac's relationship with her father and how it affected the relationships with men in her life. Harm, you had agreed to let Mac discuss the recent events troubling her with me privately. Mac, do you want to give Harm a brief synopsis about what we discussed earlier? It's up to you."
Thinking about it for a moment, Mac wondered how best to approach this issue. Her first instinct was to say 'no,' especially since discussing Harm with Harm wasn't on her agenda right now. But, keeping him completely in the dark wasn't right either. Giving it another thought, she figured she could give him an overview of what she had told Maddie without getting into too much detail. Fifty words or less should be enough, she calculated.
"I told Maddie about the nightmare last night-how it made me feel lost, and that her statement about unconditional love really rings true. I don't think I've ever had it or . . . found it . . . yet," she said, hesitating briefly.
Mac tried to avoid looking at Harm, but couldn't help stealing a glance in his direction. She wondered if he could see right through her. Offering a small smile before averting her eyes, she prayed that they didn't give too much of her true feelings away. Yes, she loved him. But . . . there is always a 'but,' she thought. How does he feel about me-here and now-in the present tense?
Having watched Mac while she was summing up her private tete-a-tete with Maddie, Harm wondered if there was something she was leaving out. He got the impression that there was, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Of course, her conversation with Maddie was private-just between the two of them. If she had wanted me to know, she would have let me stay in the room.
Suddenly, Brumby came to mind. What if the nightmare she had had was about him? What if she still harbors feelings for him and she doesn't want me to know? The thoughts dancing around Harm's head made his heart race. He tried to tell himself that if Mac wanted Brumby back, she would have done it by now. But he still couldn't stop his mind from working overtime. He fought off a wave of nausea, swallowing hard. Just the mere thought of Mac wanting Bugme back was killing him.
"Any comments, Harm?" Maddie asked, drawing him back from the trance he seemed to have settled into. She wanted to open the door for him to say something-anything-to Mac about her summary of their conversation. But he sat there with this paled look on his face.
Sure, I have comments. Questions even. Like whom or what did you talk about besides the nightmare? What aren't you telling me? Harm sighed, looking at Mac again, saying, "I'm glad you told Maddie about the nightmare," leaving the rest of his thoughts tucked away for the time being inside his preoccupied mind.
Nodding her head, Mac was relieved that Harm didn't push her to divulge anything more than she had to. For now, she was content with his response, even though she could see questions written all over his face-questions she wasn't ready to answer. Eventually, the time and place would come when she could tell him everything, no holds barred. But until then, he would have to be patient with her.
You were not convincing in the least bit, Commander Rabb, Maddie thought. Why don't you just ask her what you really want to know? Rather than make this about Mac, yet again, she decided to move on.
"Harm, let's go back to my original question-how your relationships with women affected your life."
Sighing, Harm attempted to find a comfortable spot on the sofa. He knew she'd get around to it soon enough-no amount of stalling would make the question disappear. The one thing he truly didn't want to get into was explaining women like Maria Elena Carmelita Gutierrez and Kate Pike. There had been a few women like them in his life-but each filled a need that he had had at that time. By no means did he think he was a womanizer or a playboy-and he didn't want Maddie to get that impression either.
Mentally he ticked off the names of the others-Diane, Bobbie, Jordan, Annie and Renee'-hell, I'm a dead man, he thought. Maddie's going to think I'm some type of Romeo. He decided that it was in his best interest to keep the information as simple and to the point as possible.
Harm glanced toward Mac and suddenly felt a little awkward. She knew all about these women, some more than others. However, discussing his love life in front of her and Maddie made him just a little nervous. Actually, uncomfortable was a better word. He took a long drink from his glass of water, sighing after he removed it from his lips. By no means was he satiated. He could drink a whole pitcher right now and his mouth would still feel like it was filled with cotton.
"All right-where do you want me to start?" he asked reluctantly, wiping a stray drop of water from the corner of his mouth with his fingers. Even with all his emergency ejections, he had never felt more edgy than he did at this exact moment.
Maddie referenced her notes, "Well, I remember three women that you or Mac had mentioned in past sessions: Bobbie, Renee' and Diane. Which of those three did you date first?"
"Well, uh, Diane was," he said, detesting that he had to resurrect her again, more so for Mac's sake. They had already beckoned her ghost once before-when Mac had asked him 'Is it because I look like her?' Their similarities began and ended with their looks-that he was certain of-but he wasn't quite convinced that Mac was. At some point, he knew that he would need to convince her of it.
Maddie proceeded, "What was your relationship with her?" From their session yesterday, she had assumed Mac and this woman bore a resemblance to one another close enough to shake up Harm. And it shook Harm up because this Diane was an old girlfriend, she surmised.
"We were classmates at the academy. As midshipmen, we never really had time to date, but we were close." Harm paused. Recalling all of this was still, to some extent, painful. "We both saw other people during that time, even after we graduated."
"What happened after you graduated?"
"We went our separate ways but wrote to each other often. Over time, we had grown closer . . . I knew I had loved her. When we finally decided to see if it was enough to build a relationship on . . . she died."
"That must have been horrible for you. Yesterday, Mac had a concern that because she resembled Diane it had become a point of contention between the two of you. Especially when it came to your interpersonal relationship," Maddie said, choosing her words carefully. According to the observations she had written in her file, Mac had still felt it was.
"That day I saw Mac for the first time . . . it was like she-Diane-was standing right there. The resemblance was so uncanny," he said, looking in Mac's direction. He wondered what was going through her mind right now. He couldn't begin to imagine what that must feel like-to look like someone else. Especially if that someone else was once your best friend's lost love. Thank God I don't resemble Bugme, he mused, trying to keep the malice out of his thoughts.
Mac remembered that day vividly-Harm paling at the sight of her, the clamminess of his hand when he shook hers-it was enough to make the hair on the back of her neck stand straight up.
**You two know each other?
Yes, Sir. /No, Sir.** They had responded together.
**Oh, I'm sorry Major. Course I don't know you. I just had a moment of deja vu.
Must be the uniform.
No, actually, she was in the Navy.**
It had taken some time for her to get used to the occasional long glances from him, almost certainly accompanied by the distant memory of Diane. Eventually, she believed he no longer looked at her in that way. Either that or she grew accustomed to his stares. And when she had 'played' Diane to help catch the killer-complete with the Navy uniform-Harm had kissed her with such tenderness. It was as if he was kissing a ghost that would vanish at any second. Even back then, she had had feelings for him-deep feelings that often puzzled her. For a split second that night, she hoped it was her he was kissing, not Diane. For one fleeting, enchanted moment, she felt he was.
**I know, you were kissing her.**
Those six words still lingered somewhere in Mac's universe-yet another mystery left unsolved. And if it was Diane he thought he was kissing, would that matter today-here and now? That was a lifetime ago as far as she was concerned-greater things had happened since then to affect them.
"How did her death make you feel?" Maddie asked.
"I was crushed. We never had a chance to get our relationship out of those letters. She was gone and it left me feeling . . . empty," he replied softly, as the memory of seeing her lifeless form in the body bag battered him yet again. Although he was emotionally scarred from her death, the pain had lessened as years had passed and he'd gone on with his life. Time heals all wounds, or so they say, he thought with a sigh.
Hearing those words from Harm made Mac's heart ache for him, even though all this had occurred in his life long before they had ever met. She knew how the deaths of Dalton and Chris affected her-even though her relationship with them and what Harm had with Diane was like comparing apples and oranges. Nevertheless, reliving all this must be agonizing for him. It was still quite disturbing for Mac knowing the one common link in their lives was death. Mac reached over and took his hand to console him. He welcomed it's warmth as salve for his tortured soul with a gentle smile, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.
The snapping and crackling of the fire in the hearth echoed in the silence of the room. Maddie gave Harm a moment to breathe before she pressed on with her questions.
"How long after Diane was gone did you start seeing other women again?"
There were several ways to answer this-the ones that were transitory moments or the ones that lasted until he screwed up and they left. Deciding he wouldn't get into the ones that fell into that other category, he figured Annie-Luke Pendry's Annie-was probably next.
Again, thanks to CatMom for her shippershrink advice and Pretz for her awesome beta work!
~~~To All The Girls I've Loved Before~~~
Harm sat there bewildered, staring at Maddie as if she had two heads. "You want to talk about what?" his voice loud and incredulous. The eruption was of volcanic proportions, enough to disturb Zolly. Deciding to find a safer place to nap than in the cross-hairs of the big guy on the sofa, the furry cat dashed under Maddie's chair and wove himself between her legs before scampering off to his favorite hiding place under the desk.
"Harm, I want you to . . ." Maddie said, leaning forward slightly to clarify her statement again. This time she spoke just a little slower, figuring he didn't hear her clearly.
"I heard you loud and clear the first time, counselor. What I don't understand is what any of my past . . . girlfriends . . . has to do with this . . . whatever you'd call it," he shot back, waving his hand for emphasis. Hearing what sounded like a snicker coming from his right, he threw an annoyed glance toward Mac, his raised eyebrow cautioning her.
For as amusing as his exasperated look was, she restrained herself without further hesitation, feeling guilty for laughing at Harm's visceral reaction to someone wanting to dissect his love life. Mac knew all too well that it was serious business. These sessions were like pulling a loose thread on a well-worn sweater-pull it the wrong way and it would unravel the hem. With Harm, if Maddie pulled it the wrong way, it would probably unravel the whole lot.
Trying to keep her frustration with him under control, Maddie continued, "Harm, if you remember correctly, Mac discussed her past relationships, including parental influence in her life. In order for ME to have insight into what makes YOU tick, I need to hear about yours as well." No wonder these two can't communicate-the male species clearly speaks in one language and hears another-damn fighter jocks, she thought, gritting her teeth. "They ought to come with an instruction manual or at least a translation guide," she muttered under her breath.
"Fine-do you want to start in-utero or shall I just jump to the teenage years-your choice." Harm gestured with his hands mockingly before crossing them on his chest defiantly. I'll be damned if I'm going to make this easy for her, he thought.
Maddie sighed loudly and rolled her eyes, her irritation with him becoming quite evident, especially to Mac. At least I don't feel so alone in the frustrated-by-Harm department, she thought. Better get a handle on him before Maddie throttles him.
"Down, Sailor. Would you just give Maddie the benefit of the doubt? Please? She knows what she's doing. We've come this far," she said, her voice low and fraught with insistence, hoping he'd heed her not-so-subtle warning.
Harm was about to voice his irritation with the whole situation once again when Maddie's phone rang, taking her attention away from them.
"Excuse me for a moment," Maddie said. She set their chart down on her chair before running off to get the phone. With a sigh, she welcomed the distraction. You're a lucky man, Commander, she thought, turning her back to both of them to make the call as private as possible.
Mac watched Maddie for a second, and then leaned in toward Harm, "I'm sorry I laughed-I was out of line," she whispered, her voice taking on a serious tone.
Relaxing a little at her sincerity, Harm managed a small smile. "I guess I better learn to loosen up a bit, huh?" he asked. That was probably as close to an acknowledgement of being an ass as it's going to get, Mac thought, taking it for what it was worth.
"You have to admit, though, you do make an easy target, Commander Control Freak," she snickered, trying to add just a smidgen of levity to the situation.
Harm chuckled, "You're funny," for lack of anything better to say. His mood had tempered somewhat with Mac's attempt at humor. Even though he was uncomfortable with his turn before this firing squad of one, he resigned himself to the fact that it all was necessary. These sessions weren't a walk in the park for them by any means. If they were ever going to get past whatever it was that came between them, they would have to work together. Besides, Mac went through hell for me too many times. Why should I be immune?
Right at that moment, Maddie finished her phone call and returned to her chair across from them. "I'm sorry about the interruption-my 12:15 appointment just cancelled. Now-let's start this over again, shall we?"
The disturbance of the phone call was just enough to give the three of them some time to regroup. Thank goodness for good timing, otherwise I would've found a new place to put my fuzzy slippers, Maddie thought with a sly smile aimed in Harm's direction.
Harm straightened his posture on the sofa and decided to put forth his best effort-not for Maddie-but for Mac. It wasn't going to be easy, but the least he could do was try. Looking over at her, it didn't take much for him to remember how distraught she was yesterday. Again, one question echoed in Harm's troubled mind-why did we let it get this far?
Maddie collected her thoughts, determined to get them on the right track today. She realized that jumping right into things with Harm right after her private meeting with Mac probably wasn't in their best interest. More than anything, she wanted Harm to be a little bit more forthcoming about his past and hopefully, how it affects his relationship with Mac. From what she had observed, he was a true officer and a gentleman, despite his stubbornness. Case in point-his protectiveness and undying loyalty to Mac. Having watched his interactions with her, especially today, she could see glimmers of hope in their relationship. Yet, he was still holding something back. It was as if he had built a fortress around himself for whatever reason. Deciding it was better to back-track for a moment than to piss off the Commander again, Maddie thought that maybe a review of sorts was in order.
"Let's recap for a moment," she said to Harm and Mac, looking for their approval. Both nodded their heads simultaneously in silent agreement.
Continuing, "Yesterday we ended our session discussing Mac's relationship with her father and how it affected the relationships with men in her life. Harm, you had agreed to let Mac discuss the recent events troubling her with me privately. Mac, do you want to give Harm a brief synopsis about what we discussed earlier? It's up to you."
Thinking about it for a moment, Mac wondered how best to approach this issue. Her first instinct was to say 'no,' especially since discussing Harm with Harm wasn't on her agenda right now. But, keeping him completely in the dark wasn't right either. Giving it another thought, she figured she could give him an overview of what she had told Maddie without getting into too much detail. Fifty words or less should be enough, she calculated.
"I told Maddie about the nightmare last night-how it made me feel lost, and that her statement about unconditional love really rings true. I don't think I've ever had it or . . . found it . . . yet," she said, hesitating briefly.
Mac tried to avoid looking at Harm, but couldn't help stealing a glance in his direction. She wondered if he could see right through her. Offering a small smile before averting her eyes, she prayed that they didn't give too much of her true feelings away. Yes, she loved him. But . . . there is always a 'but,' she thought. How does he feel about me-here and now-in the present tense?
Having watched Mac while she was summing up her private tete-a-tete with Maddie, Harm wondered if there was something she was leaving out. He got the impression that there was, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Of course, her conversation with Maddie was private-just between the two of them. If she had wanted me to know, she would have let me stay in the room.
Suddenly, Brumby came to mind. What if the nightmare she had had was about him? What if she still harbors feelings for him and she doesn't want me to know? The thoughts dancing around Harm's head made his heart race. He tried to tell himself that if Mac wanted Brumby back, she would have done it by now. But he still couldn't stop his mind from working overtime. He fought off a wave of nausea, swallowing hard. Just the mere thought of Mac wanting Bugme back was killing him.
"Any comments, Harm?" Maddie asked, drawing him back from the trance he seemed to have settled into. She wanted to open the door for him to say something-anything-to Mac about her summary of their conversation. But he sat there with this paled look on his face.
Sure, I have comments. Questions even. Like whom or what did you talk about besides the nightmare? What aren't you telling me? Harm sighed, looking at Mac again, saying, "I'm glad you told Maddie about the nightmare," leaving the rest of his thoughts tucked away for the time being inside his preoccupied mind.
Nodding her head, Mac was relieved that Harm didn't push her to divulge anything more than she had to. For now, she was content with his response, even though she could see questions written all over his face-questions she wasn't ready to answer. Eventually, the time and place would come when she could tell him everything, no holds barred. But until then, he would have to be patient with her.
You were not convincing in the least bit, Commander Rabb, Maddie thought. Why don't you just ask her what you really want to know? Rather than make this about Mac, yet again, she decided to move on.
"Harm, let's go back to my original question-how your relationships with women affected your life."
Sighing, Harm attempted to find a comfortable spot on the sofa. He knew she'd get around to it soon enough-no amount of stalling would make the question disappear. The one thing he truly didn't want to get into was explaining women like Maria Elena Carmelita Gutierrez and Kate Pike. There had been a few women like them in his life-but each filled a need that he had had at that time. By no means did he think he was a womanizer or a playboy-and he didn't want Maddie to get that impression either.
Mentally he ticked off the names of the others-Diane, Bobbie, Jordan, Annie and Renee'-hell, I'm a dead man, he thought. Maddie's going to think I'm some type of Romeo. He decided that it was in his best interest to keep the information as simple and to the point as possible.
Harm glanced toward Mac and suddenly felt a little awkward. She knew all about these women, some more than others. However, discussing his love life in front of her and Maddie made him just a little nervous. Actually, uncomfortable was a better word. He took a long drink from his glass of water, sighing after he removed it from his lips. By no means was he satiated. He could drink a whole pitcher right now and his mouth would still feel like it was filled with cotton.
"All right-where do you want me to start?" he asked reluctantly, wiping a stray drop of water from the corner of his mouth with his fingers. Even with all his emergency ejections, he had never felt more edgy than he did at this exact moment.
Maddie referenced her notes, "Well, I remember three women that you or Mac had mentioned in past sessions: Bobbie, Renee' and Diane. Which of those three did you date first?"
"Well, uh, Diane was," he said, detesting that he had to resurrect her again, more so for Mac's sake. They had already beckoned her ghost once before-when Mac had asked him 'Is it because I look like her?' Their similarities began and ended with their looks-that he was certain of-but he wasn't quite convinced that Mac was. At some point, he knew that he would need to convince her of it.
Maddie proceeded, "What was your relationship with her?" From their session yesterday, she had assumed Mac and this woman bore a resemblance to one another close enough to shake up Harm. And it shook Harm up because this Diane was an old girlfriend, she surmised.
"We were classmates at the academy. As midshipmen, we never really had time to date, but we were close." Harm paused. Recalling all of this was still, to some extent, painful. "We both saw other people during that time, even after we graduated."
"What happened after you graduated?"
"We went our separate ways but wrote to each other often. Over time, we had grown closer . . . I knew I had loved her. When we finally decided to see if it was enough to build a relationship on . . . she died."
"That must have been horrible for you. Yesterday, Mac had a concern that because she resembled Diane it had become a point of contention between the two of you. Especially when it came to your interpersonal relationship," Maddie said, choosing her words carefully. According to the observations she had written in her file, Mac had still felt it was.
"That day I saw Mac for the first time . . . it was like she-Diane-was standing right there. The resemblance was so uncanny," he said, looking in Mac's direction. He wondered what was going through her mind right now. He couldn't begin to imagine what that must feel like-to look like someone else. Especially if that someone else was once your best friend's lost love. Thank God I don't resemble Bugme, he mused, trying to keep the malice out of his thoughts.
Mac remembered that day vividly-Harm paling at the sight of her, the clamminess of his hand when he shook hers-it was enough to make the hair on the back of her neck stand straight up.
**You two know each other?
Yes, Sir. /No, Sir.** They had responded together.
**Oh, I'm sorry Major. Course I don't know you. I just had a moment of deja vu.
Must be the uniform.
No, actually, she was in the Navy.**
It had taken some time for her to get used to the occasional long glances from him, almost certainly accompanied by the distant memory of Diane. Eventually, she believed he no longer looked at her in that way. Either that or she grew accustomed to his stares. And when she had 'played' Diane to help catch the killer-complete with the Navy uniform-Harm had kissed her with such tenderness. It was as if he was kissing a ghost that would vanish at any second. Even back then, she had had feelings for him-deep feelings that often puzzled her. For a split second that night, she hoped it was her he was kissing, not Diane. For one fleeting, enchanted moment, she felt he was.
**I know, you were kissing her.**
Those six words still lingered somewhere in Mac's universe-yet another mystery left unsolved. And if it was Diane he thought he was kissing, would that matter today-here and now? That was a lifetime ago as far as she was concerned-greater things had happened since then to affect them.
"How did her death make you feel?" Maddie asked.
"I was crushed. We never had a chance to get our relationship out of those letters. She was gone and it left me feeling . . . empty," he replied softly, as the memory of seeing her lifeless form in the body bag battered him yet again. Although he was emotionally scarred from her death, the pain had lessened as years had passed and he'd gone on with his life. Time heals all wounds, or so they say, he thought with a sigh.
Hearing those words from Harm made Mac's heart ache for him, even though all this had occurred in his life long before they had ever met. She knew how the deaths of Dalton and Chris affected her-even though her relationship with them and what Harm had with Diane was like comparing apples and oranges. Nevertheless, reliving all this must be agonizing for him. It was still quite disturbing for Mac knowing the one common link in their lives was death. Mac reached over and took his hand to console him. He welcomed it's warmth as salve for his tortured soul with a gentle smile, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.
The snapping and crackling of the fire in the hearth echoed in the silence of the room. Maddie gave Harm a moment to breathe before she pressed on with her questions.
"How long after Diane was gone did you start seeing other women again?"
There were several ways to answer this-the ones that were transitory moments or the ones that lasted until he screwed up and they left. Deciding he wouldn't get into the ones that fell into that other category, he figured Annie-Luke Pendry's Annie-was probably next.