"The Courting of Uzumaki Naruto"
by The Carpet Shampoo
Disclaimer: Still not mine…
Author's Commentary: Awright! Anyway, the original plan was just to have the characters Naruto encountered in the last chapter (plus Hinata) competing for him. But someone said they wanted to see Shino and Kiba. ^^ Never thought of it, but hey, I'm doing this for the love of my fans, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would be funny. Why weren't they going to be included you ask? Easy. I mix them up. All the fricken time. Kiba is the one with the dog, Shino is the one with the bugs, right? I do hope so…
Word's on other competitors for Naruto's love…Kakashi and Iruka will not be participating. I cannot see either of them with Naruto as both are easily twice his age. I'm sorry, they will be in the story though…but I think teachers lose their jobs for having affairs with students. ^^ But there's no way I'm writing a Naruto fic and not including the teachers.
Chapter 2: Kiba's Guide to Attracting Your Lover
"You've got the plan right? I hope so because we can't mess this up…My whole future depends on it…Now listen buddy, you've always been there for me, I can't afford to mess up here…This is it buddy, this is what being a ninja is about…That's right buddy, its all about looking sexy and attracting those we think are sexy. Got it Akamaru?"
Kiba smiled down at his faithful pet and pointed out their newest victim.
"Yeah, I know, we usually pull this bit with the girls, but…this guy's special…Just go and play your part as the little lost puppy. Then I'll come in, rescue my dog by a chance meeting and Naruto will fall in love! Well…at least that's how it works in those little girly mangas Hinata tries to hide…"
Akamaru still looked a little skeptical but wandered off to Naruto all the same.
Naruto rested in the ground, Kakashi had given him the day off training and missions after much pleading from Iruka that the boy was "all stressed out." Naruto figured a little R and R would do him good, after all that imagining yesterday that people were falling in love with him. After all, Sasuke was the one who always got all the girls. Not him. Not Uzumaki Naruto the demon fox. It was just too weird.
Naruto stretched out in the grass and closed his eyes. After winter, something in the air always changed, a little spark of excitement was in the air, that feeling that something new and wonderful was beginning. This to Naruto, was spring time, the time of wonder and romance.
Ew…Romance. Naruto had had quite enough of romance for one day. At that exact moment something warm and wet touched Naruto's ear. His first thought was that it was Gaara, though he wasn't really sure why, and he sprang up and fell back into fighting pose. He looked down and saw a familiar looking dog sitting there, wagging its tail.
"Hey puppy, what's up? Are you lost…?" Naruto bent down and looked at the dog more closely.
"Hey! You're Kiba's dog! Akamaru, right?" The dog gave a little jump and barked at the sound of his name.
"You lost little fella?" Naruto scratched the dog behind its ears while looking around for Kiba. That guy was never without his dog…Something was up again, and Naruto wondered briefly if he should run for it.
"You found him! Akamaru, don't you ever run off like that again!" Kiba reached for the dog, his hand resting briefly on top of Naruto's as he patted the dog. Naruto jerked his hand away quickly and scooted back.
"Well, you found your dog and I've done my good deed and I think I should go water my ramen plants and feed my pet rock, I'll be seeing you!"
"Naruto, don't be silly! I haven't thanked you for finding Akamaru yet…" Naruto glanced up at Kiba. He was standing awfully close…Suddenly, Kiba scooped the blond boy up in an unmistakable bear hug and squeezed him close.
"Kiba…I can't….breathe…." Naruto squirmed, trying to escape the grasp of the other ninja.
"Oops…Sorry Naruto…" Naruto tried to step away, but found that Kiba was still holding on to him.
"Naruto…how can I ever repay you…?" Kiba asked. Naruto squirmed even more and tried to move away.
"Uh, I'll get back to you on that, ok? I think I hear my mom calling!" Naruto tried desperately, pushing with all his strength and finally breaking free.
"But Naruto, you don't…"
Oops…
"Um, well then, I hear my um…toothbrush calling, and I think I'll go see what it wants!" And with that, Naruto was off.
Ok, definitely, DEFINITELY cannot be imagining stuff now…
Naruto dove into some bushes and crouched down low to the ground, panting from his running. He could live the rest of his life in a bush. He had no problems living the rest of his life in hiding. He was perfectly content.
"Ok, so the people still normal are Kakashi-sensei, Iruka-sensei and Sasuke…And maybe Shikamaru." Naruto groaned, that wasn't a lot of people acting normal.
"List of people acting weird are Kiba, Gaara, Sakura-chan, Ino, Neji and maybe Shikamaru." Naruto felt a light tickling then, just below his neck and turned slowly to see a bug crawling on his shoulder.
"EWWW!!" Naruto jumped and brushed away the bug, shuddering all over. "Gross!"
"Naruto. You have found my lost bug!" Shino stood there, staring at the palm of his hand.
"What are you talking about Shino? You have like a zillion bugs, how can one be lost?"
"Naruto, don't be…silly…? I haven't thanked you for finding Akama- I mean my lost bug." Shino continued to stare at the palm of his hand. Naruto blinked. Slowly, he began to realize what was going on here…
Shino adjusted his sunglasses, and leaned in closer to his palm.
"You….find…him…Damn, the inks all smeared. Thanks for receiving a mushroom…" Shino walked up to Naruto still staring at his hand and promptly hugged the boy, in a swift one-armed hug.
"Wait…hold on…No, damn, I'm still supposed to be holding you…" Shino put one arm back around Naruto.
"How…can…I…ever…shave...blue?" Shino asked, squinting at his hand still.
"Are you listening to what you're saying?" Naruto stepped out of Shino's grasp and stared at the boy.
"You're supposed to run now…" Shino held out his palm to Naruto and showed him the last line he had written, where it did indeed say Naruto ran away. Naruto stared at him for a moment and shook his head.
"Shino…this is the worst attempt yet." Shino sighed; his shoulder's slumping slightly. Then suddenly, he stood up straight again and smiled over at Naruto.
"Don't worry…I got a plan for next time…Just you wait Uzumaki Naruto, the next plan will blow your socks off…" Shino walked off and Naruto sighed. Yes, there was definitely something magical about springtime…something sickeningly magical…
Naruto decided to head home. Clearly, Iruka-sensei was right when he said Naruto shouldn't be out of bed quite yet.
"Naruto-san! Naruto-san wait up!" Naruto turned and saw none other than Rock Lee running towards him, decked out in full green spandex suit. Naruto thought briefly of his day thus far and looked at the approaching Lee. Then without warning, Naruto turned and fled the scene.
"Naruto? Hm, I wonder what's wrong with him…Well I suppose I'll find Uchiha and ask him where Sakura is instead…"
Naruto ran until he reached the safety of his own house. He thanked every god he could think of that hardly anyone knew where he lived. Naruto paused for a minute. Sitting outside the door leading up to his apartment was a green bed sheet. On the bed sheet, someone had crudely scrawled out the word "bush". Naruto shook his head.
"Konohamaru, get out of there…" Konohamaru sprang out, a piece of paper clutched in one hand, and an envelope in another.
"You discovered my hiding place! As a reward, I will present you with this message from an unknown person!" Konohamaru handed Naruto a slightly crumpled sheet of paper and a wrinkled, ripped envelope.
"You opened it…" Naruto accused, his face turning slightly pink as he realized what the letter must of said.
"I checked it for traps, chief! Nothing else! But I did happen to check the words for threats. Someone really likes you chief…"
"Yeah…a lot of someones…" Naruto quickly scanned the letter. Same handwriting as before.
My dear Naruto…
Today I saw you with Kiba. I admit, my heart pricked with jealously as I saw him hold you like that. His hands aren't meant to touch your purity Naruto, his eyes are barely worthy to look upon you. My dear Naruto, it seems everyone has become as touched as I over your beauty. But Naruto…I feel I have cared for you back when everyone still hated you, and my feelings have never wavered.
-Yours in the past and present and future…
"Romantic huh?" sighed Konohamaru peering over Naruto's shoulder.
"Yeah, well I should sent this person a reply note saying get in line!"
"Romance troubles?"
"Worst kind…" Konohamaru looked thoughtful for a moment, then suddenly snapped his fingers.
"Don't worry chief! Konohamaru's got your back, and he's got a plan! Give me the list of everyone who likes you and I'll get this sorted out…"
"I should know better than to go along with your plans but…here goes…"
Author's Commentary: Fweh…Shino and Kiba have been added. Don't get me wrong, I love Lee, I just think he's straight, that's all. So don't be offended by the whole Naruto running from Lee thing. And as for Shino…he didn't strike me as a romantic so hence, the whole copying Kiba thing. BTW, mucho love for all the reviews. Ja!
****Could I be anymore retarded? ^^ I label all my files very similarly and when uploading late at night, naturally, I would be retarded and upload the wrong thing. As a bonus to you guys for all being good sports about it, I'm going to start working on chapter 3 right now, ok?