~~~Of Fathers and Sons~~~
Harm took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He hadn't talked about Annie and Josh with anyone in a very long time. In fact, he hadn't heard from her since that day she ended things with him four and a half years ago. Of course, taking Josh on the adventure from hell-against her wishes no less-probably had some role in her decision, he thought. Whatever the reason, she had become just one more in a long line of failed relationships.
He sighed, "Um, I guess it was about two years after Diane died. I had an occasional date here and there. If you're asking about relationships I had after her, Annie was next. Her husband Luke was a classmate of mine-he and I went to flight school together."
A shocked Maddie looked at Harm, interrupting him before he had the chance to continue, "You dated a married woman?" She tried to keep the incredulous tone in her voice down to a dull roar.
"No!" Harm quickly corrected her, "I would never do that! Her husband, Luke, was killed in a test-flight accident."
"Oh," Maddie replied with a sigh of relief. She didn't think he was that kind of man, but in the course of these sessions, she'd found out he was full of surprises. "I'm sorry to hear that," she added genuinely.
Harm continued, "We-Annie and I-didn't start seeing each other until nearly a year after Luke had died-after she moved to Baltimore. He left behind a son, Josh."
Mac remembered Annie quite well. In fact, the first time she met her, her first impression was that she was a frightened, needy woman. In her opinion, Annie never got over the death of her husband-and that, basically, had left her scared of life in general.
Neurotic Annie-she had called her that on one occasion. Well, it wasn't exactly an occasion. It was when she had shown up drunk at the courtroom after Dalton was murdered. Harm had tried to help her and the thanks she had given him was a verbal slap in the face.
**Harmon Rabb Jr., so righteous, so pure. You never had a weak moment in your life, did you?
I'm gonna wait outside.
Oh wait a minute I forgot. Yeah, you have had weak moments. Of course. Your long lost father. Neurotic Annie.**
They always say that hindsight is twenty-twenty. Recalling that moment, Mac realized how horrible she was to Harm. She still regretted it profoundly, as she did the moment she sobered up. Although she did truly feel Annie had her problems, she should have never thrown that into Harm's face. Yet, she knew that nothing he could ever do would be enough to diminish Annie's unfounded fears. Mac often wondered what it was that Harm saw in her.
After making a few notes, Maddie asked, "Who initiated the relationship?"
"I guess it was mutual," Harm said with a shrug. "We had become close while she was still living in California. After they moved to Baltimore, her son had witnessed a murder and she called me to help them-from a legal standpoint. They came to live with me for a while and it just happened. We sort of connected on some level," he replied.
He wondered if this had happened today, would they have ended up together. They were both at a juncture in their lives where they craved the security that comes from a relationship. The loss of Luke was still very fresh in Annie's life. And, having just found out that his father might still be alive somewhere in Russia, Harm's life likewise had been turned upside down. They both were coincidentally in the right place at the right time.
"How did you feel about her son?" Maddie pressed, wondering if the presence of Annie's son had something to do with the dissolution of their relationship.
"Josh? I cared a lot about him. I guess I sort of identified with him-having lost my father at a young age too. We had this bond between us."
This was news to Maddie. She hadn't realized Harm had grown up without a father-like Mac-but she was sure his circumstances were different. And now, hearing about Josh, and Harm's relationship with his mother, Maddie was curious about the basis of it. Even though she didn't know the whole story, her past experiences with these situations made her wonder if Harm was trying to fill a void in his life-by trying to fill a void in someone else's. Again, Maddie quickly jotted some notes and then decided to explore this a little more.
"How old were you when you lost your father?"
Alarms suddenly started going off in Mac's head. She knew instantly where Maddie was going with this. Her first instinct was to end this discussion before it begins. Harm had been through enough hell over the years searching for his father. Maddie had no idea what she was getting herself into. Everything he had done in his life, up to this point, had been driven by the loss of his father-she had known this better than anyone had. Following Harm to Russia, she was a first-hand witness to his elation when there was a glimmer of hope he could still be alive-and she was there to comfort him during the painful realization that he had died, nearly eleven years after he was shot down.
That memory was so vivid she could practically feel the crisp air and hear the Russian woman's thick dialect. Translating those words for Harm was probably the hardest thing she's ever had to do-for anybody. With every sentence she spoke, she could feel his heart breaking, his hopes crushed. Even though he learned his father died a hero-saving the woman from a certain death-it could never replace the anguish he felt at that very moment.
Looking over at him now, she worried what opening this Pandora's Box of heartache would do to him. In recent years, he didn't discuss it much. But Mac always knew the moment his blue eyes would cloud over, he was succumbing to those painful memories. Right now, his brilliant eyes were cast downward. That familiar ache of loss was back. She knew he was feeling it because the ache consumed her as well. Just as Mac was about to put a stop to it all, Harm spoke. The catch in his voice as he started to speak again left Mac struggling to keep her emotions under control.
"Six-I was six years old." Harm's voice drifted off as the words caught in his throat. "His plane was shot down over Vietnam on Christmas Eve, 1969." He gently fingered the rim of the empty glass he held in his hand. Its smoothness had become sort of an amulet for him, reminding him of smooth marble that surrounded his father's name on The Wall-a place where he would always find comfort.
"So, he was a pilot," Maddie continued, matching the somber tone of his voice with a soothing, gentle one. Getting emotionally wrapped up in their stories was making her vulnerable. Yet again, she was coming precariously close to that fine line of counselor she walked. Looking at the man sitting in front of her, she saw him as a fatherless boy, lost in a turbulent sea of emotions.
"Yeah-I always knew I wanted to be just like him when I grew up." He paused for a moment, and then said with a sad smile, "He was my hero." Closing his eyes, he could picture himself-the young boy seated in a fighter jet, his father standing by his side-pride beaming on his face. It was one of his greatest and fondest memories of him. One that he swore he would never forget.
Harm stood up and walked over to the table in the corner where the pitcher of water sat, and poured another glass. He wasn't thirsty; he just needed a distraction to compose himself. Maddie's latest venture into his past was eliciting emotions he had kept in the corner of his heart marked 'classified'. Okay, so those close to him, especially Mac, knew about his father and all the heartache that came with it. Hell, she lived it by following him to Russia-no one else would have ever done that for him. It was probably that moment that solidified their bond with one another.
But Maddie-she was just a stranger who probably could tell you how to feel about it, without truly understanding what it was like to experience it. Taking a drink from the glass, Harm suddenly snapped back to the reality of the moment, angry, yet curious, about Maddie's present line of questioning.
"How does this fit in to my relationships with Annie?" Try as he may to keep the acidity out of his words, he knew he had failed miserably. He stood across the room from Maddie, his stance challenging her-daring her-to tell him what or how he was supposed to feel about losing his father.
"When you were talking about Annie, you told me that you identified with Josh since he lost his father, like you had."
"But I still don't get where it fits in," his blue eyes flashing with resentment. He felt this discussion of his father was becoming sacrilegious to his memory.
Mac was now on the edge of her seat, prepared to put an end to the torture-Harm conversation, "Maddie . . ." she began, before the counselor put a stop to it with a wave of her hand. Fine, I hope you know what you're getting into, Mac thought, sitting back against the sofa, her arms crossed. If Harm got pissed, she wasn't stopping him this time.
Although she hated interrupting Mac from interjecting whatever it was she wanted to say, Maddie knew she needed Harm to see her point. She wasn't quite sure how to get him to understand without telling him outright. After considering her options, Maddie thought it was best to let him tell her more about his father through discussion points on his relationship with Annie.
"Let's go back for a moment. How long did your relationship with Annie last?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Harm said, "I don't know exactly-maybe a few months."
Moving back across the room, Harm sat down on the sofa, just a little closer to Mac than he had before. The warmth of her concerned smile seemed to beckon him beside her. Right now, he needed an ally in all this discussion. And this Marine, this best friend, the one person who went with him farther than anyone he ever knew, was the only person who could hold him together when he felt like falling apart. She was probably the one and only thing keeping him from ending all this here and now. And as she touched his arm, her energy flooded his body, giving strength to his soul.
Pressing on, Maddie asked, "Who ended the relationship?"
"Annie did," he said stoically, deciding he would cooperate with Maddie.
"What happened that made her end it?"
"I had taken Josh on a, um, sailing trip," he said without looking up from the glass he still held in his hands.
"She ended it over a sailing trip you took her son on?" Maddie asked, figuring by Harm's hesitation that there was more to this story.
"Well, it wasn't exactly just a sailing trip. It was a Tiger Cruise on a US Navy frigate."
"What was so bad about that?"
"Well, Annie didn't want Josh around anything Navy. I didn't think she'd approve, so I sort of glossed over the truth," Harm replied. Approve? She would have blown a gasket if I told her, he thought.
"Glossed over the truth?" a confused Maddie asked.
"Yeah-I told her I was taking Josh sailing for the weekend to Biscayne Bay."
"And you didn't tell her the truth because . . ."
"Because of how Luke died, the last thing Annie wanted for Josh was a life in the military, let alone to be around it. The boy was so fascinated with all of it. It was in his blood-he wanted to be just like his father. So I took him-I didn't see how it would hurt anything."
Mac remembered trying to keep Annie calm during the whole ordeal. In a sense, Annie's greatest fear was coming true-Josh was realizing his dream of being like his dad-the one thing she tried her hardest to prevent. Despite Harm's lie, Mac knew his intentions were never to hurt Josh or turn him against his mother. Being blindsided by his dreams and reliving them through Josh, Harm felt he was doing the right thing at the time. Telling Annie that was one thing, getting her to believe it was an insurmountable task.
"How did you tell her about the trip?"
Harm paused, recalling the event, "Well, she found out from the Admiral. Um, the trip turned out to be more than we bargained for. We were hijacked by Cuban terrorists. Nothing happened to us; we were fine, despite the whole ordeal."
"Is there anything that you do that isn't dangerous?" Maddie asked, completely flabbergasted by this man's experiences.
Harm blushed for a second, "Uh, well, the courtroom is probably the least dangerous-more or less." That is if you don't fire a weapon at the ceiling, he mused.
Maddie shook her head and muttered an "unbelievable" before composing herself to continue. As she made notes in their chart, she silently chastised herself to keep her remarks to herself.
"Anyway, so Annie ended the relationship because you lied," she recapped, trying to put her focus on where it belonged.
"Well, if you put it that way, yeah." Harm took a deep breath and set his glass down on the coffee table in front of him. Thinking for a moment, he added, "She felt I turned her son against her. Looking back, it-deceiving her-wasn't the best decision. I figured we'd go and then tell her about it afterward. I regret lying to her. But, I didn't want Josh to be afraid of life like Annie was."
"Did that make it right?"
"I guess not. I know how it feels to want to be so much like your dad. Josh wanted to be like his dad too. I didn't want to see him deprived of that experience," Harm's voice faded off as his words were starting to sink in. He finally understood the point that Maddie was trying to drive home.
"I see," Harm uttered softly. He sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. In all these years, he thought he wanted to be with Annie because of her, when in fact all along it was because of Josh. He was reliving his life through Josh. Harm knew he could never replace Luke as Josh's father-he never tried to do that. He remembered his first thoughts after Annie walked out the door, 'What about Josh?' And seeing the confused look on the boy's face as he left the bullpen tore at his heart. All the pain he felt afterward was a result of the loss of Josh, not Annie.
Watching Harm's emotions play out on his face, Maddie wondered if she should continue for today. In reality, their session was over time-wise. However, considering that there was progress afoot, she felt continuing was probably in his-their-best interest. And considering her 12:15 appointment had the forethought to cancel, now was as good a time as any.
"I know our session is about over. But, in the interest of progress, I would like to continue if that's okay with the both of you," Maddie asked, hoping that they would agree.
Mac turned to Harm and in the smallest of voices asked, "You okay with this?" again resting her hand on his arm.
Harm looked at her, "Only if you'll stay with me," he said softly, sending the message to her that she was wanted and needed in his life. It caught her by surprise when he caressed her hand as it rested on his arm. Unable to find the words, she nodded her head, her eyes never leaving his.
Harm took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He hadn't talked about Annie and Josh with anyone in a very long time. In fact, he hadn't heard from her since that day she ended things with him four and a half years ago. Of course, taking Josh on the adventure from hell-against her wishes no less-probably had some role in her decision, he thought. Whatever the reason, she had become just one more in a long line of failed relationships.
He sighed, "Um, I guess it was about two years after Diane died. I had an occasional date here and there. If you're asking about relationships I had after her, Annie was next. Her husband Luke was a classmate of mine-he and I went to flight school together."
A shocked Maddie looked at Harm, interrupting him before he had the chance to continue, "You dated a married woman?" She tried to keep the incredulous tone in her voice down to a dull roar.
"No!" Harm quickly corrected her, "I would never do that! Her husband, Luke, was killed in a test-flight accident."
"Oh," Maddie replied with a sigh of relief. She didn't think he was that kind of man, but in the course of these sessions, she'd found out he was full of surprises. "I'm sorry to hear that," she added genuinely.
Harm continued, "We-Annie and I-didn't start seeing each other until nearly a year after Luke had died-after she moved to Baltimore. He left behind a son, Josh."
Mac remembered Annie quite well. In fact, the first time she met her, her first impression was that she was a frightened, needy woman. In her opinion, Annie never got over the death of her husband-and that, basically, had left her scared of life in general.
Neurotic Annie-she had called her that on one occasion. Well, it wasn't exactly an occasion. It was when she had shown up drunk at the courtroom after Dalton was murdered. Harm had tried to help her and the thanks she had given him was a verbal slap in the face.
**Harmon Rabb Jr., so righteous, so pure. You never had a weak moment in your life, did you?
I'm gonna wait outside.
Oh wait a minute I forgot. Yeah, you have had weak moments. Of course. Your long lost father. Neurotic Annie.**
They always say that hindsight is twenty-twenty. Recalling that moment, Mac realized how horrible she was to Harm. She still regretted it profoundly, as she did the moment she sobered up. Although she did truly feel Annie had her problems, she should have never thrown that into Harm's face. Yet, she knew that nothing he could ever do would be enough to diminish Annie's unfounded fears. Mac often wondered what it was that Harm saw in her.
After making a few notes, Maddie asked, "Who initiated the relationship?"
"I guess it was mutual," Harm said with a shrug. "We had become close while she was still living in California. After they moved to Baltimore, her son had witnessed a murder and she called me to help them-from a legal standpoint. They came to live with me for a while and it just happened. We sort of connected on some level," he replied.
He wondered if this had happened today, would they have ended up together. They were both at a juncture in their lives where they craved the security that comes from a relationship. The loss of Luke was still very fresh in Annie's life. And, having just found out that his father might still be alive somewhere in Russia, Harm's life likewise had been turned upside down. They both were coincidentally in the right place at the right time.
"How did you feel about her son?" Maddie pressed, wondering if the presence of Annie's son had something to do with the dissolution of their relationship.
"Josh? I cared a lot about him. I guess I sort of identified with him-having lost my father at a young age too. We had this bond between us."
This was news to Maddie. She hadn't realized Harm had grown up without a father-like Mac-but she was sure his circumstances were different. And now, hearing about Josh, and Harm's relationship with his mother, Maddie was curious about the basis of it. Even though she didn't know the whole story, her past experiences with these situations made her wonder if Harm was trying to fill a void in his life-by trying to fill a void in someone else's. Again, Maddie quickly jotted some notes and then decided to explore this a little more.
"How old were you when you lost your father?"
Alarms suddenly started going off in Mac's head. She knew instantly where Maddie was going with this. Her first instinct was to end this discussion before it begins. Harm had been through enough hell over the years searching for his father. Maddie had no idea what she was getting herself into. Everything he had done in his life, up to this point, had been driven by the loss of his father-she had known this better than anyone had. Following Harm to Russia, she was a first-hand witness to his elation when there was a glimmer of hope he could still be alive-and she was there to comfort him during the painful realization that he had died, nearly eleven years after he was shot down.
That memory was so vivid she could practically feel the crisp air and hear the Russian woman's thick dialect. Translating those words for Harm was probably the hardest thing she's ever had to do-for anybody. With every sentence she spoke, she could feel his heart breaking, his hopes crushed. Even though he learned his father died a hero-saving the woman from a certain death-it could never replace the anguish he felt at that very moment.
Looking over at him now, she worried what opening this Pandora's Box of heartache would do to him. In recent years, he didn't discuss it much. But Mac always knew the moment his blue eyes would cloud over, he was succumbing to those painful memories. Right now, his brilliant eyes were cast downward. That familiar ache of loss was back. She knew he was feeling it because the ache consumed her as well. Just as Mac was about to put a stop to it all, Harm spoke. The catch in his voice as he started to speak again left Mac struggling to keep her emotions under control.
"Six-I was six years old." Harm's voice drifted off as the words caught in his throat. "His plane was shot down over Vietnam on Christmas Eve, 1969." He gently fingered the rim of the empty glass he held in his hand. Its smoothness had become sort of an amulet for him, reminding him of smooth marble that surrounded his father's name on The Wall-a place where he would always find comfort.
"So, he was a pilot," Maddie continued, matching the somber tone of his voice with a soothing, gentle one. Getting emotionally wrapped up in their stories was making her vulnerable. Yet again, she was coming precariously close to that fine line of counselor she walked. Looking at the man sitting in front of her, she saw him as a fatherless boy, lost in a turbulent sea of emotions.
"Yeah-I always knew I wanted to be just like him when I grew up." He paused for a moment, and then said with a sad smile, "He was my hero." Closing his eyes, he could picture himself-the young boy seated in a fighter jet, his father standing by his side-pride beaming on his face. It was one of his greatest and fondest memories of him. One that he swore he would never forget.
Harm stood up and walked over to the table in the corner where the pitcher of water sat, and poured another glass. He wasn't thirsty; he just needed a distraction to compose himself. Maddie's latest venture into his past was eliciting emotions he had kept in the corner of his heart marked 'classified'. Okay, so those close to him, especially Mac, knew about his father and all the heartache that came with it. Hell, she lived it by following him to Russia-no one else would have ever done that for him. It was probably that moment that solidified their bond with one another.
But Maddie-she was just a stranger who probably could tell you how to feel about it, without truly understanding what it was like to experience it. Taking a drink from the glass, Harm suddenly snapped back to the reality of the moment, angry, yet curious, about Maddie's present line of questioning.
"How does this fit in to my relationships with Annie?" Try as he may to keep the acidity out of his words, he knew he had failed miserably. He stood across the room from Maddie, his stance challenging her-daring her-to tell him what or how he was supposed to feel about losing his father.
"When you were talking about Annie, you told me that you identified with Josh since he lost his father, like you had."
"But I still don't get where it fits in," his blue eyes flashing with resentment. He felt this discussion of his father was becoming sacrilegious to his memory.
Mac was now on the edge of her seat, prepared to put an end to the torture-Harm conversation, "Maddie . . ." she began, before the counselor put a stop to it with a wave of her hand. Fine, I hope you know what you're getting into, Mac thought, sitting back against the sofa, her arms crossed. If Harm got pissed, she wasn't stopping him this time.
Although she hated interrupting Mac from interjecting whatever it was she wanted to say, Maddie knew she needed Harm to see her point. She wasn't quite sure how to get him to understand without telling him outright. After considering her options, Maddie thought it was best to let him tell her more about his father through discussion points on his relationship with Annie.
"Let's go back for a moment. How long did your relationship with Annie last?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Harm said, "I don't know exactly-maybe a few months."
Moving back across the room, Harm sat down on the sofa, just a little closer to Mac than he had before. The warmth of her concerned smile seemed to beckon him beside her. Right now, he needed an ally in all this discussion. And this Marine, this best friend, the one person who went with him farther than anyone he ever knew, was the only person who could hold him together when he felt like falling apart. She was probably the one and only thing keeping him from ending all this here and now. And as she touched his arm, her energy flooded his body, giving strength to his soul.
Pressing on, Maddie asked, "Who ended the relationship?"
"Annie did," he said stoically, deciding he would cooperate with Maddie.
"What happened that made her end it?"
"I had taken Josh on a, um, sailing trip," he said without looking up from the glass he still held in his hands.
"She ended it over a sailing trip you took her son on?" Maddie asked, figuring by Harm's hesitation that there was more to this story.
"Well, it wasn't exactly just a sailing trip. It was a Tiger Cruise on a US Navy frigate."
"What was so bad about that?"
"Well, Annie didn't want Josh around anything Navy. I didn't think she'd approve, so I sort of glossed over the truth," Harm replied. Approve? She would have blown a gasket if I told her, he thought.
"Glossed over the truth?" a confused Maddie asked.
"Yeah-I told her I was taking Josh sailing for the weekend to Biscayne Bay."
"And you didn't tell her the truth because . . ."
"Because of how Luke died, the last thing Annie wanted for Josh was a life in the military, let alone to be around it. The boy was so fascinated with all of it. It was in his blood-he wanted to be just like his father. So I took him-I didn't see how it would hurt anything."
Mac remembered trying to keep Annie calm during the whole ordeal. In a sense, Annie's greatest fear was coming true-Josh was realizing his dream of being like his dad-the one thing she tried her hardest to prevent. Despite Harm's lie, Mac knew his intentions were never to hurt Josh or turn him against his mother. Being blindsided by his dreams and reliving them through Josh, Harm felt he was doing the right thing at the time. Telling Annie that was one thing, getting her to believe it was an insurmountable task.
"How did you tell her about the trip?"
Harm paused, recalling the event, "Well, she found out from the Admiral. Um, the trip turned out to be more than we bargained for. We were hijacked by Cuban terrorists. Nothing happened to us; we were fine, despite the whole ordeal."
"Is there anything that you do that isn't dangerous?" Maddie asked, completely flabbergasted by this man's experiences.
Harm blushed for a second, "Uh, well, the courtroom is probably the least dangerous-more or less." That is if you don't fire a weapon at the ceiling, he mused.
Maddie shook her head and muttered an "unbelievable" before composing herself to continue. As she made notes in their chart, she silently chastised herself to keep her remarks to herself.
"Anyway, so Annie ended the relationship because you lied," she recapped, trying to put her focus on where it belonged.
"Well, if you put it that way, yeah." Harm took a deep breath and set his glass down on the coffee table in front of him. Thinking for a moment, he added, "She felt I turned her son against her. Looking back, it-deceiving her-wasn't the best decision. I figured we'd go and then tell her about it afterward. I regret lying to her. But, I didn't want Josh to be afraid of life like Annie was."
"Did that make it right?"
"I guess not. I know how it feels to want to be so much like your dad. Josh wanted to be like his dad too. I didn't want to see him deprived of that experience," Harm's voice faded off as his words were starting to sink in. He finally understood the point that Maddie was trying to drive home.
"I see," Harm uttered softly. He sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. In all these years, he thought he wanted to be with Annie because of her, when in fact all along it was because of Josh. He was reliving his life through Josh. Harm knew he could never replace Luke as Josh's father-he never tried to do that. He remembered his first thoughts after Annie walked out the door, 'What about Josh?' And seeing the confused look on the boy's face as he left the bullpen tore at his heart. All the pain he felt afterward was a result of the loss of Josh, not Annie.
Watching Harm's emotions play out on his face, Maddie wondered if she should continue for today. In reality, their session was over time-wise. However, considering that there was progress afoot, she felt continuing was probably in his-their-best interest. And considering her 12:15 appointment had the forethought to cancel, now was as good a time as any.
"I know our session is about over. But, in the interest of progress, I would like to continue if that's okay with the both of you," Maddie asked, hoping that they would agree.
Mac turned to Harm and in the smallest of voices asked, "You okay with this?" again resting her hand on his arm.
Harm looked at her, "Only if you'll stay with me," he said softly, sending the message to her that she was wanted and needed in his life. It caught her by surprise when he caressed her hand as it rested on his arm. Unable to find the words, she nodded her head, her eyes never leaving his.