A week had passed and I'd spent every morning I could running, more than a few times falling over gasping for breath. I trained in the practice room behind the magic box every afternoon, after agreeing to help Anya out with the rest of the cleanup and taking care of that part first. Sometimes I trained until blood ran down my chest from pulling at the fresh scar. Buffy found me like that a few times and had used her gentle touch to help me stop the bleeding and get me cleaned up again. The scar from the bullet I had taken for her was fading to match the other marks of war on my body, but the cut through the chest was still prone to leaking. Gradually, over the course of the seeming endless week, I felt my strength returning. Well my physical strength anyway. There was a certain blond superhero that still had me wrapped backwards around her little finger but I was more than willing to submit myself to her will.
"I don't like you pushing yourself like this. It's not healthy and it's not necessary." Well... most of the time I was willing anyway.
"What else am I going to do? Follow you around and lug your weapon bag?"
"Of course not. I just want you to be..."
"Safe?" I paused to shake my head. I held out a hand for her and she took it for me to draw her close against me. I wrapped her in my arms, reveling in our close contact, for a long moment before I tried speaking again. "I've never been safe, Buffy. I will get over this, but I want to do it as quickly as I can."
"I know you do. But I don't want you to hurt yourself doing it. Promise me you'll be careful." I kissed the top of her head where it rested on my scar.
"I promise." We headed down together to the magic box for an hour long training session that left me only slightly out of breath; she had taken it easy on me. We stood together panting and with me clutching the place on my side she had planted her knee.
"I wanted to ask you something today." I looked up at her while she stretched out a little and forced my body to straighten.
"Go ahead."
"I wanted to ask if you could teach me how to do what you do."
"What part? Some of it gets kind of complicated, but the easy stuff we pretty much covered the basics of in the woods."
"I know that. I wanted to get into some of the more advanced stuff, if you're willing. Some of the mind read-ey stuff."
"You mean you want to be able to anticipate your opponent's moves. I can do that."
"Really? How long do you think it might take?"
"However long until you're ready. I do have one favor to ask, though." At her raised eyebrow I continued with my own request. "Classes like this usually go better with more than one student. I'd like to have Dawn train with us." Plus it would give me the chance to begin her physical training at the same time, bring them both up together. Her sister seemed to ponder silently for a moment or two before somberly nodding her head. She tossed me a towel and we dried off before heading out to the car, smiling at Anya on the way out. I wondered if she was back in the vengeance game full time yet, but she still kept the shop open. Well, as open as she could considering it was still mostly full of rubble. She really liked her money, I guess. We were in my car, which as predicted still ran beautifully. I glanced around at the clear blue sky before starting it up and beginning the journey back to her house. I had not insisted on moving back to my apartment, and she had steered the conversation away from the topic whenever I attempted to bring it up. Out of the blue a thought popped into my mind and the short circuit to my mouth kicked it out.
"I miss Willow." I felt Buffy's gaze on my face, but kept my eyes on the road as some bastard cut me off and if I hadn't have felt it coming he would have hit us. Buffy slid her hand onto my thigh as she moved closer to me and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.
"Me too. I know Giles took her to England for her training and the safety of the world and all, but I want to help her."
"I know you do, babe. It's for her own good, I guess. And they can help her more than we can."
"I know. I just miss my friend." I rubbed my hand across her back and felt her smile up at me. We made it back to her house without incident and I stretched out some more while she took her turn after me in the shower.
I was getting better, just not fast enough for my liking. I was itching for a good fight and the lack of action was beginning to chafe. Buffy had thrown her heart into making me feel better about everything. She downplayed her nightly patrol and spent as much time as possible with me doing 'normal' kinds of things. We'd established a weekly movie night and she worked beside me rubbing elbows as we struggled through our attempts at actual cooking. Dawn, since school got out, had been following me around a lot more and we'd made a few trips to the mall together with my wardrobe showing the effects. As promised she did ask me a few awkward questions, mostly about boys with only a few I felt I couldn't answer, but I didn't go reporting on her to her older sister either and I think she appreciated it. Right now she was looking down at me from the top of the stairs before she made her way bouncing down them.
"How you feeling?" I stretched my shoulder again, feeling the pull in my chest seeming less than it had the day before.
"Better, I think. I can't quite take your sister yet, but I'll get there." She grinned at me and I smiled as I pondered telling her the good news. The sound of the bathroom door opening made my decision for me as Buffy emerged and headed down to join us.
"Hey, kiddo. How was your day?"
"Good. Sleeping in definitely has its advantages." I met Buffy's eyes with mine and she nodded.
"Dawn, we have something we'd like to talk to you about." Her eyes flew from me to Buffy and back again nervously. She gulped and quickly tried to explain herself for whatever transgression she imagined we'd found out about. I held up a hand to forestall any inadvertent admissions of guilt and smiled reassuringly. Buffy stepped in and continued as if she hadn't heard any of Dawn's attempts at innocence.
"Actually, we wanted to know if you'd like to start training with us. Mostly the mental stuff, but we need to work on your fighting skills too."
"Are you kidding? I would love to. When do we get started?" I grinned at her enthusiasm but wanted the lessons to progress together as much as possible.
"Well, Buffy has work tomorrow. It will probably be the day after that; Wednesday."
"Awesome. I will totally be there."
"Great. Glad to have you with us." I gave her a hug and Buffy looked around the room.
"Where's Xander? He was supposed to be here with the movie by now." As promised, he arrived ten minutes late but with hot pizza and a new release; something that had come out while we were all busy saving the world and stuff. A few minutes later we were all enjoying our Monday night movie and pizza double feature. We took our customary places with me eating one handed and wrapping my right arm around Buffy as she leaned back against me. The movie was alright, but I enjoyed the company a lot more. The movie wound itself down and Xander hit rewind as Dawn started gathering empty boxes. I snagged the glasses and followed her into the kitchen.
"Thank you." I looked over at her about to head out the back door and raised an eyebrow.
"For what?"
"For talking to Buffy about starting my training. I haven't forgotten the things you taught me a few months ago. I just wish I could have used them better during... that fight." Her eyes had inadvertently strayed to my chest and the scar hidden by my shirt. I ignored the glasses and moved to her side.
"I already told you that wasn't your fault. Why won't you believe me?"
"Because I know I could have done something different, something better that might not have gotten you hurt. And I just had to do it after you got pulled back from heaven." I squeezed her against me so she wouldn't have to see my face. This was the first time anyone had mentioned that experience since it had happened. I guess Buffy must have told her, but I didn't know about it. I had been hoping not to bring that into the conversation, but that just got blown out of the water.
"Dawn, did Buffy tell you?" She nodded her head against me, her tears starting to drip down my shirt. "Did she also tell you why it was so easy to bring me back? Why I was willing to stay?" She shook her head and sniffed loudly. I kissed the top of her head and we started rocking softly back and forth. "It's because of love. I love your sister, and I would rather live for her than die for her, but that's not it. I love you too. I don't want to leave you alone." My words must have struck a nerve I didn't know about because she cried even harder against me. Buffy poked her head around the corner, but I shook my head and I felt her disappear behind me. I held Dawn for as long as she needed, to know that I wasn't going anywhere and I really didn't hold anything against her for that night. I felt her reach out for me with her mind, a clumsy, weak filament of a thought, but it was there. I grabbed it with my own and slowly dripped my conviction down that connection. She shuddered slightly against me as it hit her and I was glad I had held back from her. Gradually she pulled herself back together and I had to admire the Summer's strength of will as she wiped her eyes and smiled up at me.
"Thank you. We love you too, and I'm glad you're here with us." Another quick hug and she picked up the empty boxes she'd dropped before ducking out the back door to put them in the trash can outside. I waited for her to come back and then followed after her as we rejoined Buffy and Xander. Buffy hugged her sister who smiled up at her and returned the hug. Xander and I stood somewhat to the side as he told me he had to get to work early the next day. We walked outside as he made his way into his car and then he drove away. I followed the two girls to the front porch but stopped to admire the night. My mind traveled back in time to a night like this one but with another cameo guest appearance from Spike. The night I had slugged him without saying two words to him. He had laid right there glaring up at me as I walked into the house and into the arms of the woman I loved before his eyes. I wished I could have killed him then and saved her from what he had tried to do to her. Shrugging off those thoughts physically I stepped the rest of the way into the house, chasing after the ones I loved.
Our first lessons began like the ones we had started out with, so long ago in the woods. I had found focusing the crystals that Giles had left behind and set them up to reflect the light coming in through the shaded windows. Mats had been put down and the girls sat across from me with their legs folded beneath them. Indian style, they called it, and I chuckled to myself every time I heard that term. We began the meditations slowly and I quickly brought them back through a review of everything we'd covered before. I wrapped it up with a long deep meditation and found myself straining to reach the level I would need to be at so I could show them their own progress. I finally did it but had to pull back and end it quickly. I felt the room spin around me and swayed slightly on my feet before bracing a hand against the back counter. Buffy opened her eyes first and saw me weakened, her eyes widening as she sprung to her feet and moved toward me. Dawn opened her eyes in time to see her sister's motion and I tried to wave them both off.
"What's wrong?" I shook my head and forced the vertigo back down.
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"No you're not. Dawn, grab our stuff, we're getting him home." I stood on my own, letting go of the wall, and felt the difference as my mind rebounded back to normal. I put a hand on Buffy's shoulder and she stopped in her motion to physically support me. Her gaze was questioning but I kept mine calm as I relaxed my touch slightly.
"I'm okay."
"Okay." She gave in grudgingly and Dawn looked at both of us from the chair that held some towels and their bags. I shook my head and faked a smile at her which she returned, reassured. Still, I motioned for her to grab her stuff and Buffy took her bag from her sister, throwing me a towel. I wiped at my sweating brow, odd since I hadn't done anything to warrant such perspiration. I led the way back out front past the mostly cleared away rubble, resisting the urge to step through where the wall was supposed to be and using the door instead. We piled into the car and the radio droned out any nervous chatter I ignored so I could focus instead on my driving. Back at the house I waited patiently in the kitchen with a glass of water while the girls took their time in the shower. Buffy came down after hers and I smiled as her wet hair brushed my chest and her lips found mine.
"You're sure you're okay?"
"For the fourth time; I'm fine. But thank you for asking." I kissed her again and she wrapped her arms around me.
"You know I love you, right?" Euphoria burst through me as my arms found their place around her and her words hit my brain.
"Good. That's the way it should be." I squeezed her and kissed her head before letting my grip go slack. "But I need a shower." She looked up at me innocently with her chest still pressed close against me.
"I wasn't going to say anything." I kissed her again quickly and stepped around her to head upstairs. I still hadn't figured out why it was so hard to push myself today, and only mentally. I would meditate tonight and see what I could figure out. I thought about it some more in the shower and it was only right before the water ran cold that I thought of a possible cause. Your brain is like any muscle in your body, the more you make it do the more it can do but the less you use it the more quickly it weakens. It was dark when I came downstairs again and we had dinner more as a perfunctory than as any kind of companionship. That night I held Buffy against me and it truly was me holding her instead of the other way around. I held her and she snuggled and wriggled tighter against me; further into my arms. I stayed awake and watched over her, whispering sweet nothings into her hair and soft skin that maybe made her cry maybe a little as she trembled against me, holding me tightly to her. I knew it was because she was still afraid I would leave her too, like she was afraid to love me because of it. I felt both honored and worried at the same time.
I wondered at the changes in our lives. Her making more money was definitely an added bonus even tough it meant she was technically working for me. I knew I loved her and she said she loved me and those words alone made it all worth coming back to her. My thoughts drifted slightly towards heaven again but I pulled back quickly before I screwed myself up. This is the only angel I needed right here in my arms. Again as I looked down at her I pondered the strength of her fear against her well being. I never wanted to hurt her, but I knew things would happen between us; they always do. Everyone that came into my life I ended up hurting one way or another and I never wanted to do that to her no matter what. Yes, she was the Slayer and was a stronger person than I had ever been, but as I had told Dawn so long ago it seemed 'everyone needs support sometimes.' I wondered if I should leave before I hurt her anymore.
I had seen the haunted look in her eyes every time she had come to visit me laid up in bed, despite how she had tried to hide it behind a smile. I knew she didn't like seeing me like that any more than I had wanted to be like that but at the time there was nothing I could do. Nothing but healing and getting back into shape so I could help her again. A single dry ironic chuckle escaped my lips and I was carefully silent until her brow line relaxed back into its normal smoothness. I had come here to help her, to fulfill the prophesy that Wesley had finally cracked to warn of a 'human threat' but in the end she had been the one that had to save me. Even now we didn't know who the human threat had been, Warren or Willow. I hated even putting their names into the same sentence. Yes, she had killed people and tried to end the world after hurting her friends, but she was still Willow.
I felt the bullet scar start to itch and carefully rubbed at it, trying not to wake her up no matter what. I recalled vividly how he had come around the back fence with the pistol in hand and yelling. I had done what I could, crashing my body into the trajectory and firing back, but had only nicked his leg and Buffy had still gotten shot. I recalled how beautiful she had looked holding my hand in the ambulance as I faded in and out of consciousness. Her own wound on her upper arm had been healed in a matter of seconds after Willow had ripped me back out of heaven. I searched my feelings for animosity at my friend for doing that and bricked up the wall between me and those thoughts. I loved my friend, I told myself, and my body had always been forfeit for others, my friends, even if they were the ones causing me pain.
I stroked my fingers lightly through the golden halo of hair belonging to my sleeping love and smiled. I was here with her and nothing in heaven, I again told myself, could ever make up for missing out on this. Goddess watch over Willow for bringing me back to my love. I prayed that she was doing better and that she knew her friends still loved her. I couldn't wait for her to come back where she belonged, but wanted her to spend as much time as she needed with Giles before she felt she was ready to keep her control again. Now the other wound in my chest, the cut I had technically gotten from Dawn but because of Willow, started tingling and I shifted my fingers to rub at it gently. I couldn't hold that against her either; it wasn't like she had averted her concentration from destroying the world to tell one dirt demon to cause me extra pain.
I remembered Buffy calling out for someone to help me even after the fighting had stopped and her kneeling in a puddle of mud mixed from my blood to cradle my head in her lap. That was when she had told me she loved me and that was what told me my life was never going to get any better and it truly was my time. Apparently the doctor's had thought otherwise. Now them I could hold something against. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible so I could start getting back in shape but all they wanted to do was give me excuses about why they couldn't save all of my lung and had to be carefully watched after my near death experience for fear the undue stress would have a negative effect on my healing. I would have shown them some god damned negative stress if I would have had to stay there for another week. Beside me my blond goddess opened her eyes and smiled at me.
"You okay?" I smiled down at her in natural response and clamped down on my thoughts before they could make a liar out of me.
"Fine. Just watching you sleep." She rolled against me and I slid onto my back so she could pillow her head carefully on my shoulder.
"My turn." I raised an eyebrow at her and she kissed my cheek as she brought her left hand up to stroke along my brow and the too long hair on my forehead.
"What to do mean?"
"You sleep and I get to watch you."
"What if I don't feel sleepy?"
"Too bad, not part of the plan." I chuckled and wrapped both arms around her, breathing in her soft vanilla scent. I closed my eyes and relaxed my grip as I felt my heartbeat settle into its smooth rhythm.
"I didn't wake you up, did I?" She turned her face more against me and I felt her breath against my chest as she answered.
"Nope. I just couldn't really sleep. Too much stuff in my head." I reinforced my mental walls as much as I could before my thoughts bled over into her own worries. No reason to burden her with my thoughts in addition to whatever she was thinking about too.
"Whatcha thinkin about?" She let out a long slow breath that didn't quite qualify as a sigh.
"You." She didn't sound regretful though. I wasn't sure if she should or not.
"Well, don't get yourself all worked up over things you can't change. You know how stubborn I can be."
"Yes, but I also know how to get my way." Now that was true. I smiled and kissed the top of her head with my eyes still closed. "Now go to sleep."
"Yes ma'am." We lapsed into silence and I let the gentle feel of her against me lull me into the darkness.
I woke up the next morning as though I had had a really good dream. The muscles in my back worked quietly as I stretched myself out in pieces. Buffy lay in bed with a half smile on her face as she watched me pop my shoulders and I smiled back down at her where she sprawled across more than her side of the bed.
"What?" She shook her head softly.
"Nothing. You just look good." I chuckled and struck a pose I had seen in muscle magazines. She clapped appreciatively and whistled. I bowed and she rolled off my side of the bed onto her feet to give me a good morning kiss. I wrapped my arms around her short form and let out kiss drag out for a long moment before she pulled away from me slightly.
"So how did your thinking go last night?"
"It would have gone better if you didn't talk in your sleep." I felt myself tense slightly and forced myself to relax under her gentle touch.
"I did? What did I say?" I couldn't read her expression and despite our close contact I was too closed down to try and feel her reactions to it.
"Nothing much, mostly just some mumbling and a few words."
"About what?" I waited and could tell by her hesitation if nothing else that she didn't want to tell me. Whatever it was couldn't be good. "Buffy... about what?" She averted her gaze by stepping up close against my chest.
"I'm not sure exactly, something about losing people and knowing that your own body was forfeit. And a few other things that couldn't be true anyway so I figured they were just bad dreams." I closed my eyes and held her close to me. I hadn't wanted my night thoughts to bleed over into hers but the damage was already done. I didn't want to argue with her this early in the morning, especially not on a day she had to go work in fast food hell. Time for the empty reassurances I was becoming so good at in my recovering invalidity.
"I'm sure it was just part of some weird dream I was having. I am not losing you. Am I?"
"Only to the perils of burger grease and unfriendly customers." I kissed her again and she stepped away from me to get ready for her shower. She had some time before she had to get to work and then I would wait for Dawn to wake up so we could spend the day together. In the meantime, I wiped sleep out of my eyes and pondered how I could keep my private nightmares from affecting Buffy again as I made my way downstairs. She came into the kitchen as I flipped her omelet onto a plate and sat down to her glass of juice.
"Sure you don't want me to drop you off?"
"No, I need the exercise. And the time to think." About what, I wondered but didn't ask. I stood leaning against the counter across from her as I ate a banana and admired her bright orange uniform. She ate quickly and kissed me as I walked her to the door.
"Have a good day."
"You too. Don't over tax yourself with Dawn."
"Never happen." She kissed me again and started off down the drive to the sidewalk. I smiled after her for a minute before closing the door and heading back into the kitchen. If someone ten years ago had told me that I'd be here playing the happy homemaker to a twenty something girl who worked fast food and saved the world I would have told them to have another drink on me. Well, that or punched them out; either one. I thought about it for a few seconds with a smile on my face before I got started on half the dishes, leaving the pan out in case Dawn wanted an omelet when she woke up. I had the kitchen cleaned and had finished a quick touch up on the rest of the house when Dawn finally came down the stairs yawning.
"Good morning, sleepy head."
"Morning." I followed her into the kitchen and asked about and then started on her omelet.
"So what's the plan for today, kiddo?"
"Not sure. We could do some training, if you're up to it. Other than that I'm pretty much without the ideas." I flipped her eggs onto her pan and thought about what else I wanted to do today. With a flash it hit me. I needed a haircut. She ate and I headed upstairs after finishing up cleaning the pan to clean up myself. We piled into my car and took off for barbers unknown.
"What would you like, sir?"
"Ooh, you should try this one." Dawn held up the cover of a GQ magazine up for my approval. I thought about it for all of a second and a half before giving my answer.
"No." Dawn mock pouted at me for a few seconds before holding up another one.
"How about this one?" I actually could have considered that one but considered the source and shook my head again. She dug through the magazines again and found the one she wanted while the barber behind me watched the minor byplay with a smile on his face. He spoke softly to me while she flipped through the pages of the one she had found and I don't think she heard us.
"Your daughter?"
"Not quite. She's my girlfriend's younger sister."
"Ah. Thus the attempted impressing."
"Not quite. Still, she knows more about fashion than I do."
"Ah, that'll do it." He knew I meant Buffy in that weird way that barbers have of knowing parts of the back story you don't tell them. As I watched, Dawn found the one she was looking for and bounced over with it to show me. I looked from the picture to her and then back at the picture before checking the cover of the magazine. I was amazed that something so practical could come from that kind of thing.
"Let's try it." The barber took a few seconds to look the picture over before handing it back do Dawn and turning on his clippers. We made it back home after lunch to do some training in the backyard before I got started on dinner. I wanted to prove to Buffy that I was feeling much better today and the haircut was only a physical accent to the rest of the plan. Dinner was started nicely and I headed upstairs to find my bag. I took a quick dip in the shower and carefully shaved my face smooth before getting dressed and finding the shirt Dawn and I had picked out to impress Buffy months ago, one I'd never gotten to wear for her. I came back down stairs and Dawn looked up at me from where she was checking on the lasagna in the oven.
"Wow." I looked behind me and realized I was the target of her admiration. I smiled and moved to check on it as well before getting started on the salad and then tossing the garlic bread into the oven to get nice and crunchy. Dawn helped me set the table and then ran upstairs to get cleaned up herself from our afternoon workout. I had taken it easy on her, but she still got a little dirty from her up close and personal time with the ground. I was standing in the living room watching the news waiting for the timer to tell me everything was finally finished when I heard the door open.
"Honey I'm home." She called as she took two steps inside and froze. I watched her face as she smelled the good food cooking and then as she looked around for us. Her eyes met mine and she closed the door behind her before stepping into my arms as I moved to meet her. I kissed her and hugged her close before she held me out at arms length, giving me an approving once over.
"Welcome home."
"What's the occasion?"
"No occasion. I just wanted to make dinner for you when you got home." Her smile reached her eyes before she tried to pull away from me again.
"But I smell all with the burgers and the fries and the- the 'smell.' This is so not fair." I pulled her back to me and kissed her again.
"Darling, you've still got plenty of time to get cleaned up before dinner. Dawn's upstairs right now too." Her smile returned as I took her light jacket from her and hung it up next to the door.
"Have I told you lately that you're my hero?" She hurried her way upstairs and I went back into the kitchen to check on the lasagna and the timer again. I brought out the salad and the bread to the table before I started some soft music playing in the background. The bell rang and I pulled our dinner out of the oven and groaned at the slight crustiness to it. I shook my head and served out the best parts onto two plates to carry out for the girls. Maybe the temperature was too high or... My thought faded away as my eyes caught on Buffy's face. She had scrubbed herself clean quickly, I could tell from her still slightly pink skin, but her smile made her eyes shine and her skin glow. She never needed makeup to pretty herself up. To me she could sometimes be the most beautiful, the most radiant, when she was fighting and covered in dirt and vamp dust. I reminded myself to keep moving and to put the plates into their places. Buffy met me halfway and took them from me, a glimmer already in her eyes. I turned back to the kitchen to get my own plate and to try and get myself under control. I reminded myself that Dawn was in the room too and went back out to join them
Dinner tasted better than I thought it would but my attention wasn't really on the food. Buffy's foot ran up and down my leg slowly and I tried hard to answer Dawn's questions without confusing myself. I think Buffy took pleasure in teasing me as I was under Dawn's watchful eyes and I'm pretty sure that by the end Dawn knew what was going on. That or she was extremely perceptive as she told us while we were all cleaning up that she was going to stay up and watch a movie tonight. As promised, she planted herself on the couch with a bowl of ice cream. I followed Buffy and her pint of fudge brownie ice cream up the stairs and into her room, supposedly so we could talk without disturbing Dawn's movie. I stood outside her doorway for a second and smiled when Dawn turned up the volume to where I could hear it up the stairs. I closed the door behind me and Buffy showed her appreciation for my shirt by throwing it to the floor and for my haircut by running her fingers through my shorn locks. I have only one thing to say about the ice cream. Spoons are highly over rated.