"The Courting of Uzumaki Naruto"
by the Carpet Shampoo
Author's Commentary: Wow. I seriously need a beta. Forgive the OOC-ness of it all! Forgive the insanity! Forgive the utter stupidity of it all! And most importantly, forgive the crappy summery and help me write a better one!
*Ahem* Now on to other stuff. For those of you that noticed that there was yet another problem in uploading (one of the last chapters showed up funny) I believe that to be fixed and thank you very much people who pointed it out. To Iceheart19, yes I gave you your Neji breeze. Don't worry…there's nothing I love more than making fun of Neji. Except maybe making fun of Lee. ^^ To "sorry for being your troubles" (interesting penname btw) the reason everyone loves Naruto is because this fic is meant to be a parody of sorts. ^^ Simple as that. Everyone is writing fics pairing up Naruto with the most random people, and frankly, I couldn't decide which I wanted to pair him up with. This fic is meant to make fun of everyone who pairs up Naruto in stupid couples. ….If that doesn't work, lets just blame Kakashi and get it over with.
To everyone: Wow, wow, so many different requests for different couples. Everyone wants to see Naruto paired up with someone different. It'll be interesting to see how it ends, no?
To the person who analyzed each person's strategy. I think you need a hobby. Badly. ^^ But thanks for the review. I love long reviews.
Chapter 4: First up! Hyuga Neji!
"So let me get this straight. You three are the judges of this? You two are jounins, and you have a class to teach! Don't you have anything better to do with your lives?" Naruto glared at the three upper level ninjas, tapping his foot impatiently waiting for a response.
"Naruto…I just want to look out for you and make sure you don't end up making a bad decision…" explained Iruka gently.
"And Naruto, I just want to mess with your head," Kakashi added in cheerfully.
"And I, Gai-sensei, master of romance, just want to prove myself better than my rival!"
"Now," Kakashi started in his most business-y voice, "We've done extensive research," Kakashi gestured towards Naruto's kitchen table where Iruka's encyclopedia, a copy of Icha Icha Paradise and several cheap shojo manga lay, "and we've decided the best way to judge most romantic is to send each person on an individual date with you! We set it up to be random by creating a chart with covered up numbers. Each person wrote their name under a number and then we revealed the numbers to show the order they would take you out in." Kakashi explained. Naruto nodded and pretended he understood.
"Unfortunately…" Iruka cut it, "We failed to take into account Neji and Hinata who both used the Byakugan to see through the covered numbers. So Neji got first date as he can run faster than Hinata."
"Then Shikamaru used his Shadow Copy no Jutsu to hold everyone in place where he analyzed strategically where each number would be. He figured it out perfectly, and wrote himself down as the last date you'll be going on," Gai explained.
"But everyone else should be random!" Iruka finished up, "And Neji will be here in about an hour to pick you up. So go wash your face and brush your teeth Naruto!"
"And brush your hair," added in Gai. Naruto nodded and shooed them all out of his apartment before getting ready for his date with Neji.
His date. With Neji. Things were too weird right now.
Naruto nearly jumped out of his seat when he heard a knock at the door. He glanced over at the clock.
Huh…Neji's really early…
Naruto opened up the door wide and stepped forward.
"I wasn't expecting you this – Oh! Sasuke! What are you doing here?" The Uchiha boy quirked an eyebrow at Naruto and took a step away from him. Naruto grinned sheepishly, he had stepped a little close to Sasuke.
"I thought you were Neji…" Naruto explained.
"Neji? Hyuga Neji? So its true then…You really are going along with all this stupidity. Do you even like Neji, Naruto?"
"Well…I…Neji seems like a nice guy…I don't know Sasuke, I'm just kind of going along."
"If you want, you can get out of this. Hide out with me for a few days, and the whole thing will blow over. Sakura and Ino will go back to chasing me, Neji, Shino, and Kiba will go back to normal, Gaara will go back to his town and everything will be as it should."
Naruto thought this over. "Sakura and Ino…Sasuke, you're not jealous are you? You're just mad because people are paying attention to ME for once and you can't stand it, can you? Why do you always have to be better than people Sasuke? Huh? Why can't you just accept it that people finally like me over you for once?"
"That's not it at all stupid! God forbid I actually might be concerned for you feelings like Iruka-sensei is. I've never cared for those stupid girls, it's a relief to have them gone. Forget I even showed up dunce…Go have fun making out with Neji." Sasuke spat the last word and stormed out of Naruto's apartment.
"FINE! I WILL!" Naruto turned to slam the door, but was surprised when it didn't shut all the way. Neji pushed the door open slightly.
"Did I come at a bad time Naruto…? Sorry for the inconvenience, but this is when Kakashi told me to show up. I could come back…"
"No its fine…" Naruto turned away, blushing. No doubt Neji had heard every word of he and Sasuke's conversation…including the part about making out with Neji.
Great…I hope all my dates are this great…
Naruto and Neji walked in silence through the woods surrounding Konoha. Neji couldn't think of anything to say, not after witnessing that fight between Sasuke and Naruto. He led Naruto into a small clearing where he'd made a simple meal of sushi and onigiri. Naturally of course, he had a few things of ramen in reserve, just in case Naruto didn't like sushi or onigiri. Neji tried to think of something to say…It was rather awkward seeing Naruto sitting there looking all bummed out on their date.
Neji tried to remember what he had looked up in his crash course romance lesson last night. He had borrowed near all Hinata's romance mangas and proceeded to read them through. What was a guy supposed to do if a girl looked sad? Not that Naruto was a girl or anything but…
Ah! That was right! Neji remembered now…He walked around behind Naruto and put his arms around the boy.
"Its ok Naruto…you can cry if you have to…" Naruto blinked and turned around, scooting away from Neji.
"You want me to cry."
"If you need too…" Neji wondered if he should try being sensitive more often. He had never thought it had suited him, but it seemed Naruto was giving off a positive reaction to it.
"Actually, if you don't mind Neji, I'm feeling kind of worked up right now…Whenever I get upset, I get all energized. I'd prefer it if you'd spar with me a bit over me crying on your shoulder."
Neji sighed and stood up. Sparring and romantic did not go in the same sentence…
This, thought Neji, is exactly why I'm not sensitive.
"Yes, we could fight…or I've got some instant ramen…" Neji decided against even offering Naruto any other food except ramen.
"YES! Now we're speaking the same language Neji!"
"We didn't before…?"
"Never mind…"
Midway through the meal Naruto slammed down his cup of ramen.
"And just way would I be crying over that stupid bastard Sasuke anyway?!"
"Well…perhaps –"
"I mean, its not like he even tries to be nice to me! He's just jealous cause people are finally paying attention to me! He can't take it that he's not the center of attention! I hate that bastard…I was actually starting to think that maybe we'd be friends, you know? But then he has to come and start this stupid fight!"
Neji stood up stepping forward to eclipse the sun and creating a golden light around him.
"Naruto…you and Sasuke were destined to be rivals. Both of you grew up in the same loneliness that is being without parents, and you remain alike in the fact that you have to strive to be the best. Perhaps…that because Fate chose Sasuke to be the strongest in his class, Sasuke assumed it would always be so. But you Naruto, have transcended beyond Fate, rising to meet it, and against all odds, you have become a rival for Uchiha. Fate chose a new one to be the strongest, and Uchiha cannot stand that Fate has shunned him…Do you understand Naruto?" Neji glanced down, his hair fluttering slightly in the wind for a moment, before falling dramatically back into place. Naruto blinked and scratched the inside of his ear.
"All I heard was blah blah blah, Fate, blah blah blah Fate, blah blah blah Sasuke and something something more fate. But whatever, what I really want to know is how you make you're hair blow with no wind." Neji sighed and sat back down, defeated.
"Well Naruto, you've been honest with me, so I shall explain. You see, I have discovered that if enough chakra is gathered in the area of the scalp and then manipulated…"
"You use CHAKRA to move your HAIR?! Neji, and just when I didn't think you got any weirder…"
Neji sighed. This was why he wasn't sensitive.
Author's Commentary: Ouch, Neji isn't off to the greatest start in the whole world. Maybe the Hyuga's just aren't romantic? Let's see if Hinata does any better next chapter.