~~~Hello, Goodbye~~~
With a turn of the key and a quick shift in gears, Harm lurched the SUV into motion, beginning their trek back to Mac's apartment. He briefly turned on the wipers to brush the leaves off the windshield that the earlier rain had brought down from the trees. The sun had finally won the battle with the clouds, glistening off the raindrops that speckled the hood of the vehicle. Harm felt a sense of relief that the rain had passed, but wondered too if it was because the session was finally over. Probably a little of both, he thought.
In his opinion, the day had worn on long enough, beginning with the panicked call from Mac in the middle of the night. It's not that he minded-he didn't. He was thankful he could be there for her when she needed him most. Just like she had been there for him in Russia and countless other times in his life.
Russia . . . his dad . . . All of Maddie's poking and prodding disrupted the neat little package that he had tucked his life inside, making it ragged and worn. He had so desperately wanted to leave it there in Maddie's office. Except, now he was trying to salvage what was left of it.
Mulling the session over again, he realized that some of his earlier ambivalence about discussing his father had faded into quiet assent as the session had pressed on. Walking out of that office, he had wavered between anger and acceptance, finally settling on the latter. Yet he couldn't dismiss the empty feeling it had unexpectedly given him.
Never in a million years did he think that his relationship with his father-his parents-had anything remotely to do with his relationships with women. Throughout the session, Maddie had opened his eyes to the prospect that his relationship with Annie and Josh had been fueled by the loss of his father. Looking back now, he knew with certainty that she was right; he was trying to relive his life then. He wondered if Annie had thought the same thing as well. She probably never made the connection, especially not having known about his obsession with his father. After the Tiger Cruise incident, they never spoke again. Perhaps it's better that way, he thought.
Harm's mind was mired in quicksand as he struggled with all that had transpired today. Dad was my hero-he will always be my hero. I wish I could change it all, but I can't rewrite history . . . Mom went on with her life, as I should have. Holding it against her-unintentionally or not-was wrong. It's taken most of my life for me to see that, he thought remorsefully . . . And Frank-I never gave him the love he deserved. He tried to be part of my life and I shut him out. I didn't want him filling my father's shoes. Yet, he did a damn good job of filling his own, despite me.
Feeling the warmth of eyes upon him, Harm glanced over in Mac's direction to find her watching him intently.
"Hey . . . I thought you were sleeping," he said.
"Can't. It's too noisy in here."
"Uh, what noise . . ." he asked confused. When they had gotten into the car, he hadn't turned on the radio. And the wipers-he'd long since turned them off. Still, he couldn't understand what Mac was saying to him.
"The noise in your head," she replied with a gentle smile.
Nearing the intersection, the traffic light turned red and Harm slowed the vehicle to a stop. He then looked over at Mac, puzzled, still trying to understand what she meant.
"You've been thinking about the session with Maddie," she simply stated.
"How did you know?" he asked, giving her a sidelong glance, yet trying to keep his eye on the light.
"After all these years I can tell when something is bothering you," Mac replied.
"So, you're a mind reader too?"
"No."
"Then how . . ." came the confused response. I wonder what other talents she possesses besides that time thing she does and now this, he mused, eyeing her curiously.
"You were drumming your fingers on the steering wheel," she said. "And of course the furrowed brow is always a dead giveaway."
Harm snickered, "I didn't realize I was that transparent."
"Not always. Although, sometimes I wish you were," she said wistfully. Sometimes you're as clear as mud, she thought.
Harm was about to question her 'wish you were' comment, but the blaring of a horn from behind him jolted him like a lightening bolt. The previously red light was now green, as the impatient driver so bluntly reminded him. He waved his hand in acknowledgement, ever so slightly embarrassed by his inattentiveness.
Mac tried to suppress a laugh at his distraction. She was relieved that they were finding some humor in the course of the day, despite its issues. Issues-there were plenty of them. She had longed to talk to him about the session with Maddie, and other things. Thinking better of it, she decided to shelve it to a time when they were both in a better frame of mind. Harm would rehash the day eventually-it was in his nature. No amount of pleading would stop him. She just hoped he didn't dwell on it too much, for his sake. Yet, she still needed to hear from him that he was okay.
"Harm . . ."
"Yeah."
"You are all right, aren't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know Maddie really pushed you into talking about your dad. I just hope that you understand that she's only trying to help us."
Harm mulled over her words. He really didn't hold all this against Maddie-it is her job. Although, he was beginning to wonder if Mac had thought it was her fault they were in this situation-the counseling-to begin with.
Baby, it's not your fault, he thought with a sigh, it's just as much my fault. He out-and-out didn't want to broach this subject with her for fear she'd take it all the wrong way. Upsetting the delicate balance they had gained would have been more than a step backward-it would have been disastrous.
Trying to put the right spin on his words, he said, "I understand-completely." More than you think I do, he added mentally.
Content with his response for the time being, Mac allowed them to fall into a comfortable silence for the remainder of the ride to her place. Savoring it, the duo knew that tomorrow morning would bring yet another session with their counselor. As in other sessions, Maddie had a way of turning past events into something resembling a three ring circus. Of course, it probably wasn't her fault considering the past history of the two officers was quite colorful to begin with.
1322 hours
Georgetown
As Harm eased the SUV into the parking spot on the street next to Mac's place, she readied herself to get out, gathering her purse and making sure she had her keys. She glanced over at Harm, noting how weary he looked, which she had known would be inevitable. After discussing her own fatherly influence on her life-or lack thereof-she felt like a train had hit her. She could only imagine how he felt right now.
Likewise, she was feeling the effects the nightmare had had on a good night's sleep. She attempted to stifle yet another yawn. Thank God I had the presence of mind to keep the rest of the day clear; I could really use a nap right now. Looking at Harm, she was hesitant to get out of the car. She didn't want his past to smother him, like her past had done to her.
Harm caught a glimpse of the exhaustion Mac was unable to hide. He hoped her earlier anguish over the nightmare wouldn't hold her hostage again and deprive her of some much needed rest. Although he hated saying goodbye to her, her well-being was more important. It had crossed his mind to find an excuse to stay. There's no way in hell she's going to buy it, he thought. Besides, I'm not going to press the issue with her right now. Things have been better than they had been in a long time, why tempt fate?
He had enjoyed the time spent with her this morning at breakfast, and had felt-hoped-that she did too. The diversion had been just what they needed. It seemed like forever since they had truly enjoyed their friendship, especially over a casual meal. And despite the effects of the counseling, he could honestly say they were friends again. Well, it's not that they ever weren't. It's just things got screwed up somehow. For the life of him, he couldn't remember when or how it got that way.
"Well, I guess I should go in," he heard her say, pulling him from his thoughts.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, concerned, resting his hand on her arm.
"I should be asking you that," Mac laughed, "You're worried about me-after all that you went through today?"
"Can't help it, you mean the world to me," he said quietly. He then looked away, realizing he had actually said the words instead of keeping them in his head.
Mac stared at him, her brain unable to form a coherent thought. She realized the blush in her cheeks wasn't from the warmth of the car. Well, okay, so it was from the warmth **inside** the car. She couldn't remember the last time any man had made her feel so cared for and needed. Maybe there's a point to this counseling after all, she thought.
"Call me later, let me know you're okay," she heard herself say shyly.
"Count on it, Marine," he said tenderly.
Impulsively, Mac leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before disappearing out the door of the SUV and into the sanctuary of the building. She still had ambivalent feelings about letting him leave, and briefly entertained the notion of asking him in. As she turned around briefly, she caught a glimpse of him just as he pulled away from the curb. With a sigh, she retreated to her apartment.
****
Harm laughed a little at the heat he felt in his own cheeks, unable to recall the last time he had felt like that. Well, actually, he could remember, but it would take him a lifetime to list all the times Sarah Mackenzie had made him feel that way. He waited until he saw her go into the building before he pulled away from the curb and headed home.
1335 hours
Harm's apartment
Relieved to be home, Harm shut the door to his apartment with a sigh. He tossed his keys on the table by the door, then stripped off his jacket and threw it over the back of sofa. Undecided if he was tired or hungry, he strode to the refrigerator to see if there was anything appetizing before deciding the game plan for the rest of the day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator, he leaned against the door, the cool air washing over him. At the moment, the only thing that seemed palatable to him was sleep. He shut the refrigerator and returned to the sofa where he had thrown his coat. Moving it aside, he sat down with a thud, resting his head against its back and closing his eyes. He figured sleep would be fleeting since his mind was still swimming with thoughts of his father, the session with Maddie, and, of course, Mac.
Mac's the one thing I've done right in my life, he thought. She has this way of bringing out the best in me, in spite of my obvious flaws. It's no wonder I'm in love with her, he thought effortlessly, as he finally gave in to the exhaustion that had taken up residence in his body.
15 minutes earlier
Mac's Apartment
Removing her coat and kicking her shoes off as she shut the door behind her, Mac could still feel the warmth of Harm's cheek against her lips. Even though it was a quick, impulsive kiss, it had made her heart race. She hoped she didn't embarrass herself too much-it was kind of forward of her. Nonetheless, he didn't seem to mind, she thought with a smile.
Heading to the kitchen, her first order of business was a hot cup of tea. Once the heat was cranked under the kettle, she went to the refrigerator and made herself a sandwich. Breakfast was so long ago, lunch would probably become dinner if she waited any longer. She smiled as she thought about the earlier breakfast with Harm at the diner. She wished they could have spent more time together today. Considering all they had been through with Maddie, she completely understood. Hell, her day didn't start out any better, she thought, shuddering at the thought of the nightmare.
After preparing her lunch and a cup of tea, she moved to the dining room table to eat, spreading out the newspaper in front of her. She thought about the dream, considering what it all could mean. Yeah, part of it was probably her over-active imagination running amok. But she was concerned there was some deeper meaning she was missing, other than her feelings for Harm. She had discussed the dream with Maddie and she hadn't mentioned anything about "deeper meanings" or "subconscious" stuff, but then again, she's a counselor not a dream analyst. Even with talking about it, it still troubled her. Talk about over-analyzing things, she mused.
Although today was definitely better than yesterday, she was still left with an uneasy feeling. Something in the back of her mind had been nagging her-something from that nightmare. Actually, she knew exactly what part of the nightmare it was, having considered it many times before. At one time, resolving it meant someone would have gotten hurt. Now, it really didn't matter anymore, the hurt had already been inflicted; now it was time to start healing those wounds, but how?
Quickly finishing her lunch and what she could tolerate of the paper, she went into her bedroom to lie down and try to rest. Still, **it** kept nagging at her. She thought for a moment and then reached for the bedside phone, dialing a familiar number. After about five rings, a half-asleep voice, with a profound Australian accent, picked up.
With a turn of the key and a quick shift in gears, Harm lurched the SUV into motion, beginning their trek back to Mac's apartment. He briefly turned on the wipers to brush the leaves off the windshield that the earlier rain had brought down from the trees. The sun had finally won the battle with the clouds, glistening off the raindrops that speckled the hood of the vehicle. Harm felt a sense of relief that the rain had passed, but wondered too if it was because the session was finally over. Probably a little of both, he thought.
In his opinion, the day had worn on long enough, beginning with the panicked call from Mac in the middle of the night. It's not that he minded-he didn't. He was thankful he could be there for her when she needed him most. Just like she had been there for him in Russia and countless other times in his life.
Russia . . . his dad . . . All of Maddie's poking and prodding disrupted the neat little package that he had tucked his life inside, making it ragged and worn. He had so desperately wanted to leave it there in Maddie's office. Except, now he was trying to salvage what was left of it.
Mulling the session over again, he realized that some of his earlier ambivalence about discussing his father had faded into quiet assent as the session had pressed on. Walking out of that office, he had wavered between anger and acceptance, finally settling on the latter. Yet he couldn't dismiss the empty feeling it had unexpectedly given him.
Never in a million years did he think that his relationship with his father-his parents-had anything remotely to do with his relationships with women. Throughout the session, Maddie had opened his eyes to the prospect that his relationship with Annie and Josh had been fueled by the loss of his father. Looking back now, he knew with certainty that she was right; he was trying to relive his life then. He wondered if Annie had thought the same thing as well. She probably never made the connection, especially not having known about his obsession with his father. After the Tiger Cruise incident, they never spoke again. Perhaps it's better that way, he thought.
Harm's mind was mired in quicksand as he struggled with all that had transpired today. Dad was my hero-he will always be my hero. I wish I could change it all, but I can't rewrite history . . . Mom went on with her life, as I should have. Holding it against her-unintentionally or not-was wrong. It's taken most of my life for me to see that, he thought remorsefully . . . And Frank-I never gave him the love he deserved. He tried to be part of my life and I shut him out. I didn't want him filling my father's shoes. Yet, he did a damn good job of filling his own, despite me.
Feeling the warmth of eyes upon him, Harm glanced over in Mac's direction to find her watching him intently.
"Hey . . . I thought you were sleeping," he said.
"Can't. It's too noisy in here."
"Uh, what noise . . ." he asked confused. When they had gotten into the car, he hadn't turned on the radio. And the wipers-he'd long since turned them off. Still, he couldn't understand what Mac was saying to him.
"The noise in your head," she replied with a gentle smile.
Nearing the intersection, the traffic light turned red and Harm slowed the vehicle to a stop. He then looked over at Mac, puzzled, still trying to understand what she meant.
"You've been thinking about the session with Maddie," she simply stated.
"How did you know?" he asked, giving her a sidelong glance, yet trying to keep his eye on the light.
"After all these years I can tell when something is bothering you," Mac replied.
"So, you're a mind reader too?"
"No."
"Then how . . ." came the confused response. I wonder what other talents she possesses besides that time thing she does and now this, he mused, eyeing her curiously.
"You were drumming your fingers on the steering wheel," she said. "And of course the furrowed brow is always a dead giveaway."
Harm snickered, "I didn't realize I was that transparent."
"Not always. Although, sometimes I wish you were," she said wistfully. Sometimes you're as clear as mud, she thought.
Harm was about to question her 'wish you were' comment, but the blaring of a horn from behind him jolted him like a lightening bolt. The previously red light was now green, as the impatient driver so bluntly reminded him. He waved his hand in acknowledgement, ever so slightly embarrassed by his inattentiveness.
Mac tried to suppress a laugh at his distraction. She was relieved that they were finding some humor in the course of the day, despite its issues. Issues-there were plenty of them. She had longed to talk to him about the session with Maddie, and other things. Thinking better of it, she decided to shelve it to a time when they were both in a better frame of mind. Harm would rehash the day eventually-it was in his nature. No amount of pleading would stop him. She just hoped he didn't dwell on it too much, for his sake. Yet, she still needed to hear from him that he was okay.
"Harm . . ."
"Yeah."
"You are all right, aren't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know Maddie really pushed you into talking about your dad. I just hope that you understand that she's only trying to help us."
Harm mulled over her words. He really didn't hold all this against Maddie-it is her job. Although, he was beginning to wonder if Mac had thought it was her fault they were in this situation-the counseling-to begin with.
Baby, it's not your fault, he thought with a sigh, it's just as much my fault. He out-and-out didn't want to broach this subject with her for fear she'd take it all the wrong way. Upsetting the delicate balance they had gained would have been more than a step backward-it would have been disastrous.
Trying to put the right spin on his words, he said, "I understand-completely." More than you think I do, he added mentally.
Content with his response for the time being, Mac allowed them to fall into a comfortable silence for the remainder of the ride to her place. Savoring it, the duo knew that tomorrow morning would bring yet another session with their counselor. As in other sessions, Maddie had a way of turning past events into something resembling a three ring circus. Of course, it probably wasn't her fault considering the past history of the two officers was quite colorful to begin with.
1322 hours
Georgetown
As Harm eased the SUV into the parking spot on the street next to Mac's place, she readied herself to get out, gathering her purse and making sure she had her keys. She glanced over at Harm, noting how weary he looked, which she had known would be inevitable. After discussing her own fatherly influence on her life-or lack thereof-she felt like a train had hit her. She could only imagine how he felt right now.
Likewise, she was feeling the effects the nightmare had had on a good night's sleep. She attempted to stifle yet another yawn. Thank God I had the presence of mind to keep the rest of the day clear; I could really use a nap right now. Looking at Harm, she was hesitant to get out of the car. She didn't want his past to smother him, like her past had done to her.
Harm caught a glimpse of the exhaustion Mac was unable to hide. He hoped her earlier anguish over the nightmare wouldn't hold her hostage again and deprive her of some much needed rest. Although he hated saying goodbye to her, her well-being was more important. It had crossed his mind to find an excuse to stay. There's no way in hell she's going to buy it, he thought. Besides, I'm not going to press the issue with her right now. Things have been better than they had been in a long time, why tempt fate?
He had enjoyed the time spent with her this morning at breakfast, and had felt-hoped-that she did too. The diversion had been just what they needed. It seemed like forever since they had truly enjoyed their friendship, especially over a casual meal. And despite the effects of the counseling, he could honestly say they were friends again. Well, it's not that they ever weren't. It's just things got screwed up somehow. For the life of him, he couldn't remember when or how it got that way.
"Well, I guess I should go in," he heard her say, pulling him from his thoughts.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, concerned, resting his hand on her arm.
"I should be asking you that," Mac laughed, "You're worried about me-after all that you went through today?"
"Can't help it, you mean the world to me," he said quietly. He then looked away, realizing he had actually said the words instead of keeping them in his head.
Mac stared at him, her brain unable to form a coherent thought. She realized the blush in her cheeks wasn't from the warmth of the car. Well, okay, so it was from the warmth **inside** the car. She couldn't remember the last time any man had made her feel so cared for and needed. Maybe there's a point to this counseling after all, she thought.
"Call me later, let me know you're okay," she heard herself say shyly.
"Count on it, Marine," he said tenderly.
Impulsively, Mac leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before disappearing out the door of the SUV and into the sanctuary of the building. She still had ambivalent feelings about letting him leave, and briefly entertained the notion of asking him in. As she turned around briefly, she caught a glimpse of him just as he pulled away from the curb. With a sigh, she retreated to her apartment.
****
Harm laughed a little at the heat he felt in his own cheeks, unable to recall the last time he had felt like that. Well, actually, he could remember, but it would take him a lifetime to list all the times Sarah Mackenzie had made him feel that way. He waited until he saw her go into the building before he pulled away from the curb and headed home.
1335 hours
Harm's apartment
Relieved to be home, Harm shut the door to his apartment with a sigh. He tossed his keys on the table by the door, then stripped off his jacket and threw it over the back of sofa. Undecided if he was tired or hungry, he strode to the refrigerator to see if there was anything appetizing before deciding the game plan for the rest of the day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator, he leaned against the door, the cool air washing over him. At the moment, the only thing that seemed palatable to him was sleep. He shut the refrigerator and returned to the sofa where he had thrown his coat. Moving it aside, he sat down with a thud, resting his head against its back and closing his eyes. He figured sleep would be fleeting since his mind was still swimming with thoughts of his father, the session with Maddie, and, of course, Mac.
Mac's the one thing I've done right in my life, he thought. She has this way of bringing out the best in me, in spite of my obvious flaws. It's no wonder I'm in love with her, he thought effortlessly, as he finally gave in to the exhaustion that had taken up residence in his body.
15 minutes earlier
Mac's Apartment
Removing her coat and kicking her shoes off as she shut the door behind her, Mac could still feel the warmth of Harm's cheek against her lips. Even though it was a quick, impulsive kiss, it had made her heart race. She hoped she didn't embarrass herself too much-it was kind of forward of her. Nonetheless, he didn't seem to mind, she thought with a smile.
Heading to the kitchen, her first order of business was a hot cup of tea. Once the heat was cranked under the kettle, she went to the refrigerator and made herself a sandwich. Breakfast was so long ago, lunch would probably become dinner if she waited any longer. She smiled as she thought about the earlier breakfast with Harm at the diner. She wished they could have spent more time together today. Considering all they had been through with Maddie, she completely understood. Hell, her day didn't start out any better, she thought, shuddering at the thought of the nightmare.
After preparing her lunch and a cup of tea, she moved to the dining room table to eat, spreading out the newspaper in front of her. She thought about the dream, considering what it all could mean. Yeah, part of it was probably her over-active imagination running amok. But she was concerned there was some deeper meaning she was missing, other than her feelings for Harm. She had discussed the dream with Maddie and she hadn't mentioned anything about "deeper meanings" or "subconscious" stuff, but then again, she's a counselor not a dream analyst. Even with talking about it, it still troubled her. Talk about over-analyzing things, she mused.
Although today was definitely better than yesterday, she was still left with an uneasy feeling. Something in the back of her mind had been nagging her-something from that nightmare. Actually, she knew exactly what part of the nightmare it was, having considered it many times before. At one time, resolving it meant someone would have gotten hurt. Now, it really didn't matter anymore, the hurt had already been inflicted; now it was time to start healing those wounds, but how?
Quickly finishing her lunch and what she could tolerate of the paper, she went into her bedroom to lie down and try to rest. Still, **it** kept nagging at her. She thought for a moment and then reached for the bedside phone, dialing a familiar number. After about five rings, a half-asleep voice, with a profound Australian accent, picked up.