Her anger resonated off the walls, startling both the counselor and the cat hiding behind the desk. She was angry. No, she was pissed. First off, Harm had played the clueless-flyboy when it came to discussing Renee and commitment issues. But then, throwing Mic in her face like that was an act of war—especially considering he really had no clue when it came to her or her relationship with Mic—past or present.
Just as quick, Maddie jumped up from her seat, scattering the papers from their file across the floor. She forcibly stood between the two officers, praying she didn't get her jaw broke in the process.
"ENOUGH!" She shouted, physically pushing them apart and making it very clear that she meant business. Her swift action caught their attention immediately. Damn it! It's days like this that I wish I worked at Starbucks! Maddie sighed loudly and watched as the two officers stared at one another before retreating. Mac returned to her spot on the sofa while Harm walked across the room for a glass of water. Neither proffered an apology—of any sort. Yet, their expressions spoke the regret they both felt at their actions.
The counselor smoothed her sweater and then proceeded to quickly gather the papers strewn at her feet, not caring if they were in order or not. Frankly, I would like to heave them in the fireplace right now. "What good are my notes anyway? Those two keep making the rules up as they go along! I swear I am DONE playing nice!" Maddie muttered to herself.
Out of the corner of her eye, Mac watched Harm. He drained the glass of water he had brought to his mouth and it seemed he was now deciding whether he would return to their shared piece of furniture or continue to hold his post on the other side of the room. The guilt she felt at her comments to Harm was churning in her gut. Truthful or not, I shouldn't have behaved that way, she thought.
Harm was too busy focusing on his next move to notice Mac's covert observation tactics or Maddie's frustrated chart gathering. He figured it was at least eight, maybe even six, good strides to the door and he knew he could make it there before either woman noticed. But he was also certain that if he bolted now, his Naval career might be in jeopardy if the Admiral's orders—counseling or charges—weren't carried out. Even worse, Mac would be gone from his life for good. This day certainly didn't turn out as I had hoped it would. Yeah, what I said was hurtful—but so was what she said. Maybe we're even . . . I don't know. I lashed out at her . . . I shouldn't have.
Maddie made a feeble attempt at straightening their file before giving up and tossing the papers on her desk, utterly frustrated. As she strode past Harm to do so, she observed how he sheepishly examined his shoes, avoiding any eye contact with her. Walking back to her chair, she saw Mac sitting silently on her side of the couch, legs crossed and looking anywhere but at Harm. The sadness on her face was unmistakable.
Their actions hadn't surprised Maddie all that much. She had a feeling that this had been a long time coming between the two, even with their eruption the first day of counseling . . . and the second day too. With any other couple, she probably would have let them have their say before interfering. But with these two—she had begun to view them as more than just clients. It was almost as if she had had a personal stake in their future. Part of her felt like their friend, their confidant. She couldn't let them get in each other's face like that. As a friend, she felt she had to intervene. But as their counselor, she should have let it go and see where it would have taken them. Of course, she knew it wouldn't have gotten beyond a few choice words.
Having had the time to regroup, Maddie motioned to Harm, "Please sit down and let's discuss what just happened."
"Yeah," he muttered, frustrated, and poured another glass of water.
"Without the hostility . . . please!" Maddie said firmly, of course the emphasis was on the "please," for what it was worth.
Mac looked in Harm's direction, watching as he took yet another drink. He set the glass down and turned toward the couch. Briefly, they locked eyes, before Mac broke the connection by looking away. With a sigh, Harm proceeded to sit down and get comfortable. He found himself wishing he could go back to the times they were close, and sniping and harsh words rarely, if ever, happened.
The three of them sat there for what seemed an eternity. Maddie knew her only recourse was to proceed with the session. It was in all of their best interest to discuss what had occurred and work to a resolution. Yet, she couldn't help but wonder if there ever would be a resolution for these two. If she could just get them to talk—like adults—that maybe they stood half a chance. Right now, she would be happy if they finished the session with minimal bloodshed. With a sigh—and without her notes—Maddie was the first to break the silence.
"Harm . . . you have established that your relationship with Renee' was fun, right?"
"Yes," was the terse, mono-syllabic response from the man on the couch.
"Mac . . . you seemed to feel that his relationship with her was shallow, right?"
"Yes," the woman on the couch said, mimicking the man's response.
"Harm . . . your relationship with Renee' lasted over a year and a half. At what point during this relationship did you think she wanted a commitment from you?"
His silence hung in the air like a dense fog. Resigned to finish what they had started, he gave thought to Maddie's question. He was certain that Renee' started wanting a commitment about the same time that Mac and Mic were planning their wedding, although he truly had no evidence.
Deciding to generalize the time frame, he replied with a sigh, "A few months into our relationship, I guess." Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Mac shift her position on the couch, yet she remained quiet.
"Was there any discussion about commitment or the future?" Step by step, inch by inch. Maybe playing the twenty-question game could work to my advantage, Maddie wondered.
Harm rubbed his brow with a pensive look, "Uh, not really. She would just spend more and more time at my place—mainly weekends, sometimes longer. But, if you're asking if we talked about it, then no. It just seemed to end up that way."
"So there was never any discussion about moving in together—it just happened?" Not that Maddie thought this was uncommon. But, in her opinion, letting someone move in without discussion implied some sort of commitment, whether Harm had realized that or not. Maybe he had just relented . . . enough nagging could do that too, Maddie thought.
"Yeah, I guess." His answer sounded more like a question. Perhaps he had just let Renee' "happen" in his life, the effort had always been on her part.
Mac had clearly seen during the time Harm and Renee' had been together how clingy and very demonstrative she was with him. The only thing she didn't do was hang a sign around his neck saying "Hands Off! He's Mine!"
To Maddie, it all sounded like Harm allowed Renee' to manipulate the relationship to her liking, with the hopes of "happily-ever-after" bringing up the rear.
"Earlier, you said she had hinted at commitment—how?"
"Well . . . when Mac made her engagement to Bugme, er, Brumby official, Renee' had commented on how two people, from opposite ends of the world . . . found each other and were becoming one . . . or something like that. She had called it a miracle." Harm's little sarcastic inflection on the word "miracle" flowed unconsciously from his tongue. Talking about Mac and Brumby in that context had always been a bitter pill to swallow.
Sighing, Harm continued, "Renee' wanted to know when she could have her miracle."
"What did you say to her?" Maddie asked, her voice nearly a whisper.
"I . . . uh . . . well, we got interrupted when I had to return to court for a verdict. Look, Renee' was a little neurotic. Hell, she even kept counting the days until Mac got married."
Before Maddie could respond, Mac turned to face Harm and was speaking, irritation tinting her words.
"A little neurotic? Renee' counted the days until my wedding like a kid counting the days till Christmas."
Maddie saw Harm make a face at Mac's statement and interrupted him before another argument could ensue. "Why do you think she did that, Harm?"
"I think it she did it to get a commitment from me . . ." Harm began, right before Mac cut him off.
"She was jealous," Mac muttered to no one in particular.
Jealous. Harm rolled the word around in his head, trying to apply it to Renee'. Whenever she spoke about Mac, there had always been an edge to her voice. Unexpectedly, an image from the past danced through his mind. A towel-clad Mac was gliding barefoot across his bedroom, leaning in to kiss him as he lay on his bed. In the split second it took to utter her name, Mac had suddenly become Renee' and very angry.
Harm, did you just call me, "Mac"?
No.
It sure sounded like that.
Well why would I call you, "Mac"? I mean, I know the difference between you and Mac.
And what would that be, other than the fact that her boobs are bigger?
Saying he was embarrassed was an understatement. Sure, he had been having those visions of Mac, but he had discounted them a result of the blow to his head. But mistaking Renee' for Mac was a blunder too significant to overlook. Ever since Kate had made mention of Mac as one of the women complicating his life, he began to wonder if his feelings for her were that transparent. Renee' putting him on the spot didn't help either.
Are you in love with her?
Oh Renee . . . besides she's getting married in a matter of days.
I know, I've been counting the days, then I can have you and my miracle.
Looking back now, he could say with most certainty that Renee' was jealous. At the time, it had been easy to dismiss it as ridiculous or some sort of paranoia. Could it have been that Renee' feared her suspicions would come true . . . or were true?
As Harm opened his mouth to speak, Maddie held up her hand to halt any sort of rebuttal from him. She wanted to hear Mac's evidence on the jealousy factor first.
"Jealous? That's an interesting word to use, Mac. Tell me why you think Renee' was jealous. Do you think she was jealous of you or what you had with Mic?"
Mac didn't expect to be put on the spot. She hadn't intended the remark to be heard; it sort of just slipped out. Having to interpret Harm's relationship with Renee' wasn't high on her list of priorities. But Maddie's question did make her want to put all this Renee' crap into some perspective.
Sighing, Mac decided to lay it all out for her, for what it was worth.
"Renee' was jealous of a lot of things but it all wasn't about what I had with Mic."
"What was it then?" Maddie interrupted, curious about Mac's view on the subject.
Mac glanced over at Harm before continuing and made eye contact briefly. She was getting a feeling from him that her assumptions were correct. They both knew it was all about her—all about Mac's place in Harm's life as his friend. And, of course, it also involved how or what he felt for her. That, in her opinion, was the root of all of Renee's jealousy.
"I believe . . . I feel that Renee' was jealous of the relation, uh, friendship I had with Harm."
"What do you think would make her feel that way?" Maddie asked with curiosity, hoping it would be the key unlocking the door to a resolution for them.
Not knowing how to answer the question, Mac picked at the cat hair on her sweater first, and then took a deep breath. "I think she envied our friendship for one thing."
"Do you think that was basis for her jealousy?" the counselor pressed.
"That's something you'll have to ask Harm." Mac said quietly without looking up.
"Harm . . . what do you think?" Maddie asked.
Hesitantly he replied, "Maybe". He knew that Mac was right, but he didn't come out and directly say she was.
Maddie mentally started piecing together the timeline for all this. With her notes strewn across the desk, she had to rely on her vivid recall of their past sessions for her information. If her memory served her correctly, Renee' and Harm had been together about the time Mac was supposed to marry Mic. And, it was about that same time Harm had crashed into the ocean—trying to get back for a wedding that never happened.
But . . . there was something else about all this. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but it was there. It had to be from one of those times that Harm and Mac went off on a tangent about their relationship. Think, think, think . . . it was something Harm had said . . . something about . . . the night Mic left—that's IT!
Maddie suddenly remembered the conversation—Mic left, Harm asked Mac to come to him and then he made her go away because of Renee' . . . her father had died. Could this have been a turning point in their relationship? Could this one moment have changed the dynamic of . . . of everything? But, when did Harm end it with Renee'? How did that fall into this picture? Maddie was reeling—that last puzzle piece to all this was within her grasp.
Composing herself, Maddie sat up straight in her chair, crossed her legs and then cleared her throat. "Harm," she began coolly, trying to sound professional while her insides were dancing with glee over her discovery, "When did you break up with Renee'?"
Caught off guard by the question, Harm looked at Maddie wide-eyed. He wondered how she could switch gears so quickly, jumping from Renee's jealousy into how they broke up. Why would she change the subject like that? I think she's gone off the deep end this time, he thought, not making the association between the two.
Having not been around all that much then, yet at the same time barely communicating with Harm, Mac truthfully didn't know the how's and why's of the break-up. In fact, she figured she was probably the last to know. But, if she had to pick one thing, she was certain Harm's inability to commit spurred Renee' to rethink things with Harm and move on with Cyrus. Having found it all out from Sturgis instead of Harm had hurt her more than she could have imagined—more than she ever let him know.
"When did I break up with Renee'?" Harm restated the question mostly to try to understand whether Maddie was looking for a specific date or a generalization. Of course, a little stalling never hurt either.
"Yes—you said you were together for about a year and a half. Obviously the two of you are no longer together—so that means you broke up, right?" Maddie explained with frustration. Why is it so hard to understand the concept one minus one equals zero?
Harm knew that he and Renee' would never have had a future in the sense of the wedded bliss she wanted. Knowing it was one thing, actually doing something about it was a whole other ballgame. Letting life happen was easier than making it happen. Consequently, there had been no dramatic finale to their relationship, no grand gestures on his behalf. It had ended just about as passively as it had begun.
But would I have ended it on my own had life not intervened? Was I too much of a gentleman or did I take the easy way out? What would it have taken to tell her that there was no future for us?
What are you willing to give up to have me? Mic gave up the Navy and his country. Would you sacrifice your girlfriend?
Harm looked up and saw not only Maddie staring at him waiting for an answer, but Mac as well. He knew he would have given Renee' up in a heartbeat had Mac just said the word. He had even told her so—except his words had resonated off the cold steel walls of an empty room. She was gone before she could hear his answer.
Why didn't you tell me about Renee?
Uh, I don't know, Mac. It occurred too late to mean anything.
In English, please?
I couldn't.
She broke up with you?
It's been over for a while.
I'm sorry.
So am I . . . I'm sorry I, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you.
Renee' leaving had truly occurred too late—too late for the grand gesture he thought Mac needed, or better still, deserved. There's no sense rehashing the when's and why's now, I can't change the past.
"Look, Maddie, it's been over with for a long time. What does it matter now when I broke up with Renee'?" He was pretty certain that his non-answer was not what she was looking for.
"Okay, if you can't tell me when, then tell me why you broke up with her," Maddie pressed, abruptly changing the direction of the conversation in the hopes of getting to the truth.
The emotions Mac had been struggling with through the session erupted in one muttered word, bitterness and all, "Commitment."
Despite the counselor's previous warning about hostility, Harm wasn't about to let Mac get away with that remark—at least not without a fight.
"How would you know why Renee' and I broke up—YOU ran off to the Indian Ocean to clear your head, if I remember correctly," Harm countered hotly.
Mac stood up at the edge of the sofa, and pointing at him said, "I went there to get away from YOU!"
Suddenly, Harm was on his feet as well. "You were running away, Mac!"
"That's YOUR M.O., Harm—not mine! Anyway, why did you follow me to the Guadal? Did you think it would mean something?"
"We needed to talk!"
"Talk? About what, Harm? Huh?" Mac turned her back to him. She closed her eyes tightly to shut out the memory of that day and his response to her ultimatum. What, you're testing me? It always comes down to commitment with him, she thought sadly through her anger.
Harm wanted to grab her and make her face him, but couldn't. Instead, he answered her question simply, "Us . . ."
Mac spun on her heels, and with laugh retorted, "There never was an us, Harm. See—that's where you're confused—it was only ever you and Renee'."
"Just like it had been you and Mic, right?" Recalling her earlier disclosure about calling Mic, he then added with a desperate sigh, "Some things never change, do they?"
Surprisingly enough, Maddie had been sitting there silently, riveted with their heated debate. No way was she stopping them now, as she had earlier. The dominos were now falling into place, one by one. So many years of misunderstandings and hidden emotions—it was time to lay it all on the line. It was the only way she, as their counselor, could help them. No doubt, Maddie had a bazillion questions dancing in her already overloaded mind. But they would have to come later, as a new agenda suddenly came to light.