Trying to Forget

By youkokurara

Okay, thank you Mia-chan for telling me that thing was on…yeah…I was being my usual blond self and forgot that was even there. .;; Those moments have been happening a lot and…well, sorry. This fic now accepts anonymous reviews. Now, on with the fic as I go off and wallow in a small depression over my hair color (though, personally, blond jokes are HILARIOUS). And before I forget, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.

Chapter 5: Will you please?

She kept trying to be strong, trying to be the best she could be. Trying to show Kenshin that she was just as strong as he was, and where did all of that leave her? It led to her that situation, to this hold, and these tears. Kaoru couldn't take it anymore! The world was against her and she just couldn't stand it. And the worst part was that marriage to Kenshin was, sadly, the best opportunity that she had offered to her at the moment.

It sickened her to no end. But, there was one hole in that, Kenshin probably didn't want to marry her as he had never thought to ask. The nerve of the man!

Her anger was starting up, and it was welcomed unlike the weak tears that had started to slow. However, she had to be rational now. This was the perfect time for her to actually try and be so, especially as she wanted to question him…there was hope brewing in her. Kenshin had come after her, looked for her, rescued her as he always did--that did bring some pain to her heart, but it was expected--and was now holding her like he did care. So the question was: did her really care for her?

"Kenshin…" she whispered, not bothering to look up to see if he heard her or not, the hope--and pain--had taken her over. She had to know and the truth would only bring her one thing: more tears. The difference for them was what she was waiting for. "Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

Kenshin didn't reply, almost didn't hear her speak for that matter, but held her tighter and kissed her forehead softly. His silence was only making that pain that settled in her chest--from anticipation she was sure--worsen and fill her entire being in dread. Why wasn't he answering? Was he rethinking his own feelings for her or something?

Finally he spoke, his voice soothing to her troubled senses, but it was not an answer to her question. "Come, lets go home Kaoru…this is no place for your question."

He released her, but quickly took her hand and pulled her just as gently along out of the woods and back to the dojo. Kaoru could feel fresh tears. He was rethinking his decision, wasn't he? Why else wouldn't he not want to tell her? "No! Kenshin, you tell me now or you don't tell me at all!"

Ah, the comforting anger had returned with vengeance and strength. It was now or never, she thought, looking at Kenshin, who had not turned around to face her. You have only this chance…and I hope you take it.

She had no more time for thoughts as he roughly pulled her closer to him and turned with his god like speed. Moving so fast that Kaoru barely had time to register what was going on when he roughly kissed her using her gasp as an excuse to move his tongue into her open mouth. They parted after sometime, Kaoru didn't know how long they kissed; she could only feel the burn in her lungs as she gasped softly for air. That and this rather nice pleasant feeling that settled over her mind, like she had been drugged.

"How could you doubt my feelings, Kaoru?" He questioned, looking her in the eyes, his own hard and truthful, with what appeared as amber flecks showing up here and there in the amethyst. She did not think about it, this was Kenshin she was speaking to and he would never hurt her…and she was just being an idiot in the long run. He was right, how could she doubt his feelings for her? Wait, he never mentioned how he felt about her!

"You never told me…you always seemed so detached from me…" And you were drunk, she added in her mind, trying in vain to look him in the eye as she spoke but failed.

Kenshin sighed and took her chin into his hand as gentle as the irritation filling him would allow. Yes, he never did tell her, and he had his reasons, his fears for not being able to do so. Something he would have to get off his chest and soon. The sake had merely been a way to get past his "shyness" and he had just taken her without her consent--something he had not questioned at the time, knowing very well how the kendo instructor felt for him. And in doing so, had forgotten complete to tell her anything about his feelings in the process. A mistake he was paying for now, and one he was going to fix.

"I do love you. I have for a long time now, and last night is not something I regret. My only mistake, however, was when I did not tell you how I felt. The sake…it had forced all rational thought from my mind, only leaving me with my love for you, my need to have you forever by my side. And now I am paying for that mistake, Kaoru, but I hope you have forgiven me, accepted me for what I really feel." There, he said it, so why did it hurt him to do so? She had tried to forget the night before, and had called him a liar when he told her that he loved her earlier on. Then she was went for that walk, and he followed her with the thought of protecting her from everything and everyone that dared look at her wrong. He had started to feel possessive, but he could not stop himself from feeling so, everything about her made him feel complete. Something he had never felt before.

Kaoru made no reply, letting his words sink in, trying to find anything--just anything in his words or voice that would make him a liar. A complete hypocrite in every which way, but she found nothing in his voice or words that would betray him. She couldn't find a thing! This whole time he had been telling the truth and she had not believed him. What…what kind of a person was she?

"I'm sorry…this…this whole time you were telling the truth and I let my pride get in the way and didn't believe you. I mean, how was I supposed to? You were drunk that entire night and I suppose it's also my fault as I let my feelings for you, so I didn't stop you…at the time I didn't think about anything. Anything at all except that you were there and for a moment I felt as if you…you really cared for me…" Kaoru felt tears start to bubble up followed by a few sobs, ones she quickly swallowed.

"And when it was all over and done with, I didn't know what to do…I left you there, believing that it meant nothing to you and telling myself, 'This is nothing to him, nothing to me. Just forget everything that happened, Kaoru. Try to forget.' You know what, you ruined that entire plan when you came into my room that night, and the next day. I couldn't really stand it, you know? Nothing was going as planned and it was all your fault. So when you told me you loved me, I called you a liar. I didn't know whether to believe you or not, and the part of me that believed you were lying broke through and I said what I said."

Kaoru swallowed again, she had to get everything out before she broke. "When I came out here and those men came up to me I was thinking that it just might work in my favor, that everything would not be questioned if I was…no one would have thought that it was your doing…"

The truth of the matter was that she would never be strong enough to the world, she was always surrounded by Kenshin, Yahiko, Sanosuke; they were the strong ones. She was weak, and would always be that way. Wasn't it true that when Kenshin left for Kyoto that she broke down into a lifeless doll until Megumi and Yahiko snapped her out of it? How could she ever imagine that she was strong when in reality she was the weakest person in the world? She could not even defend the honor of her dojo by herself, no; Kenshin was the one who defended it for when Gohei was going around killing innocent people as a part of his revenge against the Kamiya Dojo.

And Kenshin was silent.

Okay, I know that was really short but please forgive me! I was trying to get something out and all…well, yeah. . I might have gotten a bit wrong with Megumi and Yahiko snapping Kaoru out that depression she went through when Kenshin first left for Kyoto, I can't really remember a lot about that. . Truth be told, I have a hideous memory and wouldn't remember your name if we ever met. I would be asking for it every few minutes before it stayed and then the next day and I would be asking you again. . That actually happened once with one of my friends, but I know her name now.

As a warning, I don't know when the next chapter of this will be out. I know its winter vacation and all so I should have time to do so, but in reality I have no inspiration to write. However, I'll try and get you a new chapter before summer vacation .

And now for something completely different. snicker

Thank you Mia-chan for telling me about the signed review thing…

Alea Seikou: Personally, I go for the whole "woman with a y (womyn)" thing, so writing this is kinda hard, but I am making it. However, I enjoy someone's comments that I agree with. Kaoru is going through a hard time and I agree, Kenshin should be more aggressive.

Carrie: I hope this answered your question.

Prince Aoshi: Thank you for your review

Jupiter's Light: Thank you as well.

Triste1: Okay, this time I went through the real trouble of proofreading. I'm going to send it to my beta, when she sends it back; I'll butcher it a little and then send it right back for more correcting. . But thank you for the advice and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Liyan: OOC? Yeah, it is a little OOC but I agree, it does work with the story, and it's probably the only way it would work.

And last but not least, I thank MoMo-ChAn for being my wonderful beta and for reading this over again twice on her four-week winter vacation.