Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
I wanted to thank Kakau, StarNaruHina77, kawaiihina and Uzumaki Spiral for your support. I loved your words of encouragement.
First Kakau, thank you so much, for real. You gave me so much confidence as english (just as we talked in pm) is my biggest insecurity. You're also totally right on writing being a form of comfort. I want this story to be my "comfort" story again because for a long time it was. Thank you so much again!
PS: I love your story, and I'm glad you're now part of the NaruHina writers. It's really beautiful!
StarNaruHina77, I will patiently wait for your story and hope you'll find the inspiration to continue it. I totally understand you. Everything you said in your review corresponded to what I did back then. I just wrote what passes through my mind, and wanted to publish it as soon as possible because, at the time, I was happy with what I did. Thank you so much for your review :)
Kawaiihina, thank you so much for having read it again! Your review really touched my heart and you pointed something out that even I didn't even really believed myself ("Naruto in your story was not that dark he has trauma and he's seeing therapy, he behaves nicely if hinata told him, he listens very well to the people he cares deeply what im trying to say is that HE IS NOT TOTALLY FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD"). Sometimes readers do see more than the actual writer. Your review let me see that in the end, Naruto was the best character in my story. Anyway, so thankful for your review and I hope you're doing well :)
And a big thanks to my awesome friend, whom I met through NaruHina, Yeonwoon76, for constantly pushing me! Sans toi, cette histoire n'aurait pas été continuée, lol.
My Therapist
Age Difference - Patient!Naruto - Therapist!Hinata - Light Obsessive Behavior - Drama - Canon Pairings - Older!Hinata - Younger!Naruto - Tags To Be Added -
Naruto is sick.
That's what his grandparents told him. And it's true.
He has long come to terms with that fact.
He's trying to become a better person. He's been going to therapy ever since he was 11 years old. Tries to eat balanced meals. Works out.
He does all those things people say he should do.
Even those things that make his stomach sick just thinking about them.
Like taking his meds.
He forces himself. Every day. Every fucking day.
Because he has no choice. Because he wants to be normal. Because he wants to avoid getting down while he's out with his friends. Because he refuses to smoke the joint that's been offered to him when he's been doing well for weeks.
He doesn't want to switch from weed to speed because that would ruin all his efforts.
Because he knows that once he touches that shit, coke would be the next big step.
And God knows how much shit he did on drugs.
Especially this drug.
As he said, he wants to change. Wants to be responsible. Wants to be the adult he should be.
He really wants to have a future. Wants to have a good job, so he can be on his own.
Isn't that what it's all about?
He wants to be able to look forward, to see things in a more positive way. Getting a beautiful wife who loves him just as much as he loves her, a nice house with two or three kids and a dog.
Being normal.
In the end, that's all he wants.
What everyone wants.
No one wants to end up like him. With this disease that rots his life. This disease which is dragging him down 24/7.
Others at his age already have a stable life. And he just wants the same thing. It's not too much to ask for, is it?
Anyway. Feeling sorry for oneself is pathetic.
And he's not pathetic, according to his therapist.
So, he looks forward. Tries to see things differently.
Because he thinks he's finally found that one person who can get him out of this downward spiral.
That person who makes him feel normal but at the same time unique. Who makes him feel like he's worth something to them.
And like every Wednesday and Friday, he can't wait to see her again. He missed her beautiful smile and her mesmerizing eyes. He longs for every inch of her.
And like every Wednesday and Friday, he already waits patiently for her in her office, sitting on this big red sofa, studying every single detail of this room that he already knows by heart from being there.
The door opens slightly, gently, because everything she touches is carried out with a lot of grace and delicacy. Her head sticks out of the half-open door, and he can't help but think she's adorable. She looks like an intruder in her own office.
When she sees him, she flashes him her beautiful smile and, of course, he returns it with triple the intensity, since he's really happy to see her again after this five days withdrawal.
"Hello, Naruto. Please, excuse my little delay. Just had to rush to print out these documents." Her voice is soft and soothing, and Naruto immediately feels himself relaxing on the couch, happy to see her again.
She holds the sheets she just mentioned in her hand, carefully placed in a transparent pouch. She puts them away in one of those big blue binders, before picking up her tablet and walking over to where he's sitting.
She looks so hot in her own way, and he simply can't take his eyes off her.
His therapist never dresses in an extremely extravagant way. She looks simple and classy in her clothes so that Naruto believes she doesn't need all that frills to look beautiful in any way.
Every once in a while, she wears a dress, breaks out of her routine and each time is terrible for him since she's so pretty that he cannot concentrate.
"Naruto?" Sometimes she even makes him forget everything around him. As if the only important thing is her.
"Hi, Miss Hinata."
"So how are you doing today? Have you received your test scores? The one for..."
"Macro and microeconomics? Yes." Does he now want to reveal his score to her? Not really, no. Will he have to do it anyway? No, but she sure has the power to squeeze any information out of him.
"So?" She giggles, amused by his oh-so-predictable behavior. Her little giggles are making his heart skip a beat. He simply can't get over the fact that she's so beautiful.
"Hmm. Can do better, as the teacher put it so nicely." That shall suffice, for now, Naruto thinks. She shoots him a look out of the corner of her eye, a little sympathetic because she knows that probably means he screwed up. However, encouragement is also hidden in it. Reminding him that he will certainly do better next time.
The same as every time, but nothing changes. He blows his studies for not being able to focus on too many things at once.
"So how are you?" She takes the seat on the couch across from him, folding one leg over the other. She pulls out her tablet and clicks on two, or three open windows to give him enough time to answer.
How is he doing?
Well, better. Better, now that he can see her. Better, knowing he'll spend the next hour with her.
But in general? He feels like shit.
No other more eloquent way to describe his current state.
He's drowning in his depression. He broke down last weekend. He was high on drugs once again and she knows it. Why does she know? Because she's the one he called at three in the morning to tell her how awesome she is and what a top-notch psychologist she is. Maybe also to tell her how gorgeous and smart he thinks she is. The moment is a bit foggy, though he vaguely remembers having made her laugh and that, at the time, everything felt so much better all of a sudden.
Why is she even asking if she already knows the answer? Other than it being her job. Why does she want to trick him into confessing something, when they both know he messed up big time?
It's not that he was doing particularly well lately, but Naruto thought he was getting better at controlling his life. All his efforts wiped out in 30 seconds.
"I don't know... I...well-"
"I'm not out to berate you, Naruto. I'm just wondering why now. You seemed a lot more grounded these days. And..." She finally lifts her eyes from her tablet, looking at him with her doe-like eyes, way too many feelings etched on that beautiful face. Far too many for a mere therapist. And it only makes him feel even more pathetic.
He let her down. And not for the first time in eleven months of therapy together.
"I'm sorry..."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Naruto. You shouldn't apologize at all, for that matter. Absolutely not. However, maybe something happened to trigger you, and I'd really just want to figure out what it is so that we can work it out." He can't look at her. He's too horrified of knowing that she feels sorry for him.
As if she were the adult and he the child.
"Well, it's kind of hard to explain why. I don't get it myself. I screwed up and that's all there is to it."
"You didn't screw up, Naruto. It was a small slip. But a slip that is now costing you weeks of hard work... It's a bummer, but neither is it the end of the world. You're not the only one in the same situation. Other people out there are facing similar situations." He doesn't like it when she talks about 'other people in the same situation'. It's a constant reminder that he's not her only patient and that he's nothing special to her.
She gets to see dozens of cases like his every week.
"I know," he says.
"Not too chatty today." She tries to lighten the mood and he appreciates it. Hinata sends him a wink before moving on to another topic.
"Your birthday is coming up. Do you have any plans?"
No plans at all.
He does, however, know what his birthday party will be like.
One of his buddies, probably Kiba, will try to get the rest of the group to organize something. The others, at first reluctant, will eventually give in to the insistent demands of their friend who doesn't take 'no' for an answer. And in the end, they will all end up in an apartment much too cumbersome with forbidden substances for the blond.
"No plans." he simply answers, and she pouts, the cutest pout he's ever seen on her face, and unfortunately, he knows he's not making it easy for her today. He's still very ashamed of himself.
"You're celebrating your 19th birthday, right?" She never drops the ball. The more he shuts down, the more she'd subtly try to break through his shell.
"That's right, ma'am."
"What about your grandparents? Did they arrange anything for you?" Most certainly. His grandmother always makes sure he's showered with gifts.
"We're going to dinner at 'Flaveur'."
"Oh my God, seriously?" She always seems amazed by everything, and he loves it. She's so easy to talk to. She makes every conversation light.
"Hm. Michelin star and all." He watches her, her beautiful lavender eyes twinkling. Like a little kid who's just found the cookie jar stuffed in the back of the cupboard.
"That I don't doubt. I only went once and just because of a big conference. It was amazing. And yummy above all." She licks her lips, recalling the moment.
"You just have to come with us. One person more or less makes no biggie." His therapist gives him a confused look as if she'd seen a ghost.
"I couldn't, Naruto." Her gaze leaves his to focus on her tablet, the slight blush on her cheeks giving her away.
"Why?" He half expected that answer, yet he can't help but feel a little disappointed.
"Naruto..."
"I mean, you've helped me so much over the past year. I think you've earned this Michelin star dinner." Naruto considers such restaurants totally overrated though if she likes it, he'd bring her there every week if necessary.
"You deserve it, Naruto. Not me. All this is clearly your merit, even if you don't believe it." Obviously, he doubts it was he who saved himself. It's quite clear that it's this woman sitting in front of him, to whom he owes everything.
Then again, he wouldn't dream of telling her.
"Yeah, whatever. Still, you can't say no to someone who invites you. According to my grandmother," he adds at the end, sketching a small grin while watching her cheeks catch fire once again. Their eyes meet a second time, him pondering if he should push it any further, she, at a loss for words. It was fun to say the least.
He opens his mouth to make one more, but she beats him to it.
"Well, if so, I have no choice but to accept. Of course, under a certain condition." Hinata can't hide her evil smile and he fears the worst.
"But it's my birthday, not yours."
"My conditions!" she repeats, keeping her grin intact. He has no choice but to give in.
"Go ahead, I'm listening." He likes that. He loves how she's so playful, so jolly as if nothing could make her lose her high spirits. He loves those little flirty moments, where she joins in on the fun and puts the psychologist's apron aside.
"If I'm not mistaken, today is the 28th of September. So, 13 more days until your big day." He has no idea where she's going with all this, doesn't know if he'll like what will come out of her mouth, but he nods nonetheless, prompting her to go on.
"The 10th, being a Monday according to my calendar..." She pretends to mull it over, tapping her pen against her knee, her face mock pensive.
"Therefore, I definitely have to cancel my appointment..."
Naruto doesn't know why, but the way his therapist gets to her point stresses him out. She can't go back on her word, he reminds himself. She said she'd be there, only moments ago. Yet she still drives him crazy.
He's well aware that this crush he has on her is silly. He shouldn't get himself in such a state for her. Besides, she wouldn't like him to do that.
But it's important for him. In fact, it's a necessity for her to come along with them now. The possibility of her suddenly not going to his birthday dinner hurts him, when not even five minutes ago it wasn't even on the table.
"I' d like for you to take these 13 days to record your feelings of the day in a small notebook, or anywhere you like. A kind of diary, so you can track your moods. Maybe write down what you've been up to, and if you've achieved your daily goals, no matter how little they are. Write down what's bothering you, what's been giving you trouble, what's been making you happy, what's been bugging you…" She pauses for a moment, trying to gauge whether he's following her so far, and he nods.
He's rewarded by her splendid smile that lights up her angelic face, then she continues: "We talked about this a few months ago, if you can recall, and I know you thought it was ridiculous, but after that slip, it might actually be necessary for you now to have on paper that there aren't just bad days. And just because you feel overwhelmed once by something, that you shouldn't immediately resort to the easiest way to overcome your problems. Plus, the fact that it's only for a short while anyway."
He nods again. She's right. Maybe he should finally take this little exercise into account.
"And you'll read it?" It feels too personal to share his deepest thoughts with her. Especially since she plays a huge part in his life, even though in hers he's just a small pawn.
"No. That would be too intrusive. I need to trust you completely on that. And I do trust you," she says, blushing. " However, of course, I'm still here via phone or text. If you feel like you need to share something with me, at any time, I'm here."
I am here.
Is she really?
Yes, she picks up when he calls her. Even at ungodly hours. Yes, she listens to him when he needs to talk. But is she really?
"Are you really?" And now he said it out loud. His cheeks turn a fiery crimson shade, as he looks up into her face. Hinata seems at a loss for words, her mouth slightly ajar, surprised and shocked at the same time.
Naruto is embarrassed. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, or worse, make it seem as if he wasn't grateful for everything she does for him.
"Well... I try-"
"No, that was a dumb thing to say. I'm sorry."
"No, no, no, Naruto, it's okay. It's okay." She gets up, puts her tablet on the small table between them, and with a wobbly step, she moves closer to where he's sitting.
She settles next to him, her face turned towards him, and he follows her every move. Everything seems to be in slow motion.
She seems quite uncomfortable as if she had been taken out of her comfort zone. He makes her uncomfortable, he realizes, and that's why he shifts to the other end of that red sofa.
He can see a hint of hurt in her eyes.
He sends the wrong signals, but his body remains as if petrified. He can't move.
She clears her throat, regaining her professional stance. Her hands are resting on her knees, a smile that looks fake for the first time appears on her face.
"What I meant was that it's normal to feel like the therapist isn't really present in the patient's life-"
"You're doing it again." He can't help but say.
"What do you mean?" She looks so sad. Like a little puppy. He pretends to think, but Naruto knows exactly what he means.
"Well- " He can't say it out loud.
"Yes...?" Hinata waits patiently for him to continue, her hands slightly shaking.
"In the end, you're always letting me know where I belong in this relationship if you can call it a relationship."
"What do you mean?" He struggles to express his thoughts. Why can't she just understand him without him having to embarrass himself?
"You, the psychologist. Me, the patient. Me, the maniac. I who ultimately ain't normal."
"But..."
"I know, that's what we are. We're nothing but patient and doctor. I know that. But sometimes..."
"Sometimes what, Naruto?" She slowly moves closer to him, and from one second to the next, she's already sitting right next to him. She stares up at him with her big wide eyes, as if she's only looking at him like this. Like he's her everything.
"This."
"This?" She sounds so confused or at least seems to be. So innocent, so pure.
"That." He repeats in a whisper.
He wants so badly to hold her. To feel her body nestled against his. To hold her tightly against him, to never let her go again.
But he's only the patient. And she, the therapist.
"I don't understand, Naruto..." He believes her. She seems so lost, and he wishes he could make it clear to her because Naruto can only be direct. He doesn't know the word subtle.
He always goes for it headfirst, but with her, he holds back. He doesn't want to lose her. But being subtle? He doesn't know how.
"Never mind. No big deal." He sees that she wants to tell him something and wants to understand what he just implied.
"Naruto..."
The timer on the table sounds, and he knows that their time together today is coming to an end.
He stands up. He wants to leave quickly today. This is a first.
Nothing is more frustrating than when the one person who can understand him, doesn't understand him.
"Naruto, wait!" She stands up as well, only coming out of her little bubble, and seems panicked at the thought of him leaving her now without being able to fix the whole thing.
He doesn't answer her, simply turns around when she calls his name.
They do nothing but watch each other for a moment, her, trying to find the truth in his baby blues, him enjoying her presence one last time before he heads out.
"I'm sorry, Naruto. I don't really know what I've done, but I know that whatever is bothering you has something to do with me for sure. And I'll make sure to figure it out. I promise. I am so sorry."
She didn't catch on to anything at all, he thinks. It almost makes him laugh, but he holds back.
He knows that she needs to see his smile to be reassured. Hinata will feel bad if he leaves her now on this bad note.
So, he smiles at her. A small smile. But a real one, nonetheless.
He grabs his jacket, and sends a final wave, before disappearing through the door and out of her sight.
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