Chapter Six

There had been nothing she could do.

With the words the judge uttered, Marci took Joy out of Jordan's arms. She had never felt so empty. Her "just and noble cause" was gone, just like that, with the bang of a gavel.

Woody had taken her home. She was in no state to drive. Nigel said he would drop off her car later…don't worry. She walked around her now too empty town house, wondering what to do….Joy's toys and things were still scattered throughout the house. Marci was going to be by later to pick them up….and take them to Joy's aunt and uncle. Jordan methodically began to gather up the baby's belongings, packing them in a box and diaper bag.

Playpen…portacrib…diapers…bunny….She stopped when she got to the pajamas she had taken off Joy this morning….they still held that soft, baby powder smell she would always associate with her almost-daughter. She didn't pack those. She folded them carefully and put them in one of her own dresser drawers, along with a soft, pink blanket that she used in Joy's crib. It would be a pleasant reminder of what might have been…one day, when she could bring herself to look at them again.

Woody watched her carefully from that day forward…Jordan was still friendly…still polite…still professional. And too damn quiet. He was worried about her…they all were. Garret had been afraid she'd make a run for somewhere…Woody knew she wouldn't do that. But he was concerned about her….she had grown more quiet and contemplative every passing day. Finally one night, after working long hours on a difficult case, he had turned to her and gave her a smile… a full Woody smile…dimples and all. One that was supposed to make her heart beat a little faster and a grin come to her face. "How about dinner?" he asked. "I'm starved, and I bet you are, too."

She didn't respond to the smile. She had looked up absent-mindedly from the file she was reading. "Dinner? I'm not really hungry."

"Come on, Jordan. You have to eat. And I hate eating alone. It's just dinner….not a commitment," he said jokingly. "We can have dinner together, can't we?"

"Yeah. Sure. Let me get my coat."

They had gone out to a small restaurant near his office. She was still too quiet…still trying to adjust after the loss of Joy. "Jordan…are you okay?" he finally asked her mid-way through the meal.

"I just miss her, Woody. I guess I had gotten my hopes up too much." She looked down at her barely touched plate. Truth was, Joy had brought out emotions in her she never really knew she had.

When she had asked Marci to let her take Joy home from the crime scene, she never expected to become so attached to the baby. She had fully expected to keep the infant for about a week, and then turn her over to relatives or a set of foster parents. She had in no way anticipated the feelings that Joy would bring out…a protective, nurturing side she had no idea even existed in her. But every time Joy would look at her with those big blue eyes, a part of Jordan would melt inside. By the end of the week, she knew she couldn't return the baby unless she was asked. When no relatives had been found, she had openly rejoiced. When Social Services said they would do nothing to impede the adoption, she had been ecstatic.

And then the adoption was denied. She knew it had been for the best – Joy had relatives she deserved to know…and they deserved to know and love her. But the absence of the baby had left the void in Jordan's life even larger. After further reflection, she had realized what she really wanted out of her life…what her "just and noble cause" was.

She wanted to be a mother. She wanted a baby.

The thought had shaken her at first…but once it settled in her mind and soul, she couldn't let go of it. She had talked to adoption agencies…filled out the papers only to be told that single mothers were rarely granted adoptions under "normal" circumstances. Joy's situation had not been normal. With that door closed, she had turned to what she considered her only alternative.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out, Jo. You were great with her and she loved you. You could tell….I know you've probably heard all the lines about how with time, it will get better…stay busy. But I know you really miss her…you love her. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier on you," Woody replied, breaking into her thoughts.

"Thanks. She really opened up a side of me I didn't know existed. It's a side of me I kind of liked, even though it sort of shocked me I had a maternal streak, you know."

Woody chuckled. "It kind of threw all of us for a loop. It just didn't seem like you…but I guess you're right….there's still a lot about you I don't know."

Jordan nodded. "Well…the maternal thing is not something I'm ready to let go of just yet. I….I….think I'd really like to have a baby."

Woody looked at her in total shock. She wasn't going where he thought she was with this idea, was she? "Do you mean you want to become a foster parent or something?" he asked, trying to back pedal just a bit to get the conversation on an even keel.

"No. I think I'd like to do the whole nine yards… or rather whole nine months. I'd like to be pregnant and have a baby…I'm not getting any younger…and the biological clock is going tick-tock…you know…"

Woody swallowed hard. A pregnant Jordan. What a visual. He'd bet any money, she'd be beautiful. But to get pregnant, she'd need a partner….just what, or rather who, did she have in mind? "Jordan, I hate to be nosy, but in order to get you pregnant, you need….you need…"

"A man? Not necessarily." She pulled some pamphlets from her pocket book and put them in front of him.

"Artificial insemination?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah. It's an option."

"An option?"

"Sure. I can chose a sperm donor…they have profiles on all the men who have made 'deposits' at the sperm bank…I can hand pick the father of my baby."

"Isn't that kind of cold and calculating?"

"I don't think so. It's the best of both worlds. I get a baby….the father never knows...I don't have to deal with messy issues like custody and he never gets hit up for child support. It's perfect."

Woody shook his head. "I don't know, Jordan. I think I prefer making babies the old-fashioned way."

Jordan chuckled. "It would be cheaper. The insemination is going to have to be paid for out of pocket. My insurance won't cover it."

"Don't you know someone who would…I mean…there should be…" he stammered.

"No. No, I don't. There's no one romantically in my life right now on that level. And it's kind of awkward asking your male friends if they wouldn't mind…."

He held up a hand to cut her off. He didn't want to hear it. And he really didn't want to think about it. "So you're going through with it?"

"Within the next month. I'm on fertility drugs now….just to make sure everything works…I get three procedures for my first fee. I just pray one of them takes."