Chapter Nine

She couldn't do it. No matter how hard she had tried to rationalize it to herself, she couldn't do it. She couldn't sleep with Tyler. She told herself it was only for one night…and only for one outcome. But she couldn't do it. In the end, she did just what she had done before…spun him around and sent him back to California.

And that decision made her nearly curse herself – for being too careful, for not really pursuing what her heart desired.

For still loving Woody. When it all boiled down, that was the reason she couldn't sleep with Tyler. Tyler knew all the right moves….just how to touch her…and yet she wouldn't let herself give in because her heart still belonged to Woody.

Damn him.

She had gone all the way to Atlanta…stayed gone a whole year…grew up, in many senses of the word, only to return to Boston to find out that she had failed in part of her mission. While she had returned to Boston a better ME, she had never really gotten over Woody. She may have tucked him away in the back of her mind somewhere for 12 months, but when she came back home, he and her emotions for him and unfurled like the defensive line of the Patriots in a bowl game.

And the most difficult part of the whole thing was, Woody didn't want her anymore…not in any sense of a romantic way. He didn't mind being her friend.

He had no desire to be her lover.

Jordan sighed as she let herself back into her townhouse after her last date with Tyler. She knew that. He had made that perfectly clear from the first day she had returned to Boston. All her efforts in trying to forget him were for nothing. Her heart was still fully engaged, no matter how hard she had tried to deny it.

So what had she learned? That there was a void in her life that needed filling with something other than work. Was that void going to be filled by what she wanted most – a baby? Probably not. Artificial insemination had not worked and she wouldn't be able to try it again for at least a couple of more years. And the only man she had any interest in "making a baby the old fashioned way" wasn't going to help her.

A baby…a baby…she thought. Was that really the issue here? Was her desire really for a baby….or was it for something else? Was she failing to see the forest for the trees? She slowly walked into her bedroom and began to undress, climbing into the shower…still thinking. It was easy to have a relationship with a baby. You loved them. You poured yourself into them. They couldn't tell you how they were feeling, but they did respond to you…not always positively, but you could read the response…hunger…pain…wet diapers.

Other relationships were not quite so easy. Adults were harder to read than babies. That made being vulnerable enough with them to have an intimate relationship so risky and difficult. Jordan climbed out of the shower, dried off, donned her nightgown and robe, still reflecting on what she had learned.

Maybe that was it. Maybe the reason she wanted a baby was because deep down in her soul, she wanted an intimate relationship without the risks. A baby could fulfill that desire. But only for so long. Babies grew up.

An intimate relationship with another adult carried risks…she could get hurt. Or she could hurt someone. She wouldn't want to. She'd try her best not to. The question was, was she willing to allow herself to be vulnerable enough…emotionally open enough…to another person to risk being hurt herself?

Was that the real void in her life…she needed an intimate relationship…not just physically, but emotionally also? She thought she knew the answer to the question.

The answer also nearly scared her to death…because it was yes…but only with Woody.

Which brought her right back to her dilemma. He didn't want anything but a friendship.

She could no longer settle for that. She knew what she had to do…please God, just make him open to the idea.

The drive to his place was one of the longest she had ever made. She had changed back into a skirt and t-shirt and went over to his apartment. She prayed he was home… his car was in his parking place. Now she just prayed that he was alone. It took every ounce of courage she had to knock on his door. It was late. He may be asleep. But no, he answered it nearly immediately. "Jordan," he said, unbelievingly. "What are you doing here…this time of night? Are you okay?"

"I'm…..I'm fine. Could I come in? Please?"

Woody pushed open the door a little wider to let her in. "I thought you were with Tyler this week?" It was a statement couched as a cautious question.

"I sent him back to LA."

"Really? I thought you two were trying to rekindle the old flame…"

Jordan shook her head. "The flame is out. It's been out for a long time."

Shutting his front door, leaning against it, and crossing his arms, he had to ask… "Then what brings you here, Jordan? To my apartment, after midnight, on a Friday night?" His voice held a note of deep wariness…

"You do," was her quiet reply.

"Me?"

Jordan sighed. He wasn't going to make this easy…she didn't expect him to. Before she went to Atlanta, before Devin, even, they had skated around this issue. When he was ready for a relationship, she wasn't….and when she was, he wasn't. It seemed that they may be back at the same point…she was ready and he wasn't. Still she needed to know…because if he didn't feel anything for her other than friendship, she would have to make another adjustment in her life…the most difficult one yet…the loss of the man she loved. "Yeah. You. I need to know something, Woody."

"What?"

"All this time since I've gotten back from Atlanta…we've been friends….We've helped each other on cases. You've held my hand and me during some difficult times…losing Joy, the artificial insemination…you were there. Is….is….it possible this is something other than just a friendship with you?"

He cross the room then, to stand in front of her, towering over her shorter frame. Looking deep into her whiskey-colored eyes, he asked, "Why? Why do you want to know?"

"I do…I just need to know."

"Why?" There it was, the same question again. "It didn't work out with Tyler….so am I the substitute?"

"No." Her response came swiftly and forcefully. "You're not the substitute." Taking a deep breath…realizing that he wasn't going to tell her anything until she opened her heart like a book and laid it out so he could read it….she continued. "You're the reason it didn't work out….that it couldn't work out. Tyler wasn't you. I wanted him to be, but he wasn't. That wasn't fair to him … or to me, so I sent him home."

Woody reached out and tilted her chin up so he could look deeper into her eyes. He read the uncertainty…the vulnerability…and fear, to a degree. She had just laid her heart on the line and she didn't know what he was going to do. But there were still some other questions he needed answered.

"How much of this is about a baby, Jordan? That's all I've heard out of you for the past six months….so….I need to know….is this just about a baby….or are you talking about something else?"

"It has nothing to do with a baby." She pulled away from him then…being that close to him was making it difficult for her to think. "Trust me." She walked to the other side of his living room in order to get her thoughts together.

"So you're asking me….if I feel anything other than friendship for you?"

She nodded, her heart in her throat. "Yeah. I need to know, Woody. I really do." He heard the slight hitch in her voice.

"Jordan, I always want to be your friend…."

There it was. It was out. She had misjudged…read things into his actions that weren't there. Blindly, tears stinging her eyes, she walked to the door. She wasn't going to let him see her cry. She would at least have the satisfaction of walking out of his apartment with her head held high. Then, she'd go home, collapse and cry her eyes out.

He reached her before she could turn the door knob. Sliding his arms around her waist and pulling her to him, he continued, "Your friend," he softly kissed the side of her neck, "and your lover." He turned her around to face him, then, and drew her into a deep kiss.