Notes: And yes, we all know Seek is an evil watermelon. :P Eh, a while ago I came across Heliopolis challenge (#739, I believe) involving a Harry Potter crossover. Though I haven't actually written a response to it, I was inspired to write this insane little piece. Hope you enjoy it :) It's set around season 5 Stargate-time, book 5 Potter-time. First chapter's pretty short, but they'll get longer and probably more annoying. Anyone who reviews within ten minutes of reading this fic gets a free el-cheapo Happy Meal toy.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you know what I don't own, you know who they belong to, you know I'm only borrowing them for a bit...
Larry Snotter
and the Stargate of Doom
Chapter 1: Professor Loop-the-Loopin's New Wall Decoration
Larry Snotter was a very unusual boy in many ways, and no, I'm not talking about his deformed head. His messy black hair was almost always tidy, and his bespectacled eyes were sometimes brown or blue but never bright green. In fact, a lot of people mistook him for Daniel Radcliffe. It used to give him a lot of trouble in his first years at Slogworts, and even after five years some people still avoided him like the plague. But back to Larry's abnormalities.
Yes, Larry Snotter was quite a strange boy, in that he was the only person to ever have survived Lord Voldermonterantulaburatticusnort(or What's-His-Name as he was referred to by most wizards, who could neither pronounce nor remember his name)'s evil brain cell killing curse, which caused instant death to everyone, but apparently not Larry, who was Special.
At least that's what everyone thought till the Headmaster, Scralbus Fumbleforthedoorknob, revealed that it had been Shrilly Snotter's blind hatred of her son, as offered him up, begging Voldermonterantulaburatticusnort to take the child instead of her, that saved him. Now everyone knows he's just an unwanted orphan who's got to stay with his mean, evil, horrible, awful, nasty, and generally not-very-nice relatives who hate his guts.
Of course, all of this is somewhat irrelevant to the actual plot, but it takes up space and helps bring all those bone lazy foolish fools who couldn't be bothered reading the previous four books up to speed.
Larry was sitting with his two friends, Drone Measly and Hermighnee Deranged (whose name nobody could spell), in their Defense Against the Dark Arts class, which was being taught by Professor Loop-the-Loopin again because everyone likes him (except the entire school board and most of the wizarding community too, but who cares about them, they're not the ones who are paying money to buy the book). All eyes were on the gigantic ring which was leaning against one wall of the classroom. The ring was covered in curious symbols which Larry couldn't quite make out and had a strange, otherworldly look to it. Larry stared at it thoughtfully. It would take one damn big finger to fit that ring, he thought.
Ihurtmyknee raised her hand. "Professor," she said in a hushed voice, "Is that... could that be... the fabled Ring of Rather Strong Magic, with legendary powers capable of destroying the Blackest of Black bank tellers? The very ring that protected Boris the Boofhead from the swarm of evil politicians in 824 BC? The circle that helped Doris Poddlesnot slay that vicious dragonfly in 1904?" Loop-the-Loopin blinked.
"Oh – oh, that old thing. That's just there for decoration. I found it while searching through the Mysterious Basement Which Is Full Of Creepy And Probably Magical Stuff. I just thought it was quite an interesting piece of artwork, y'know, the type that really makes you think." Professor Loop-the-Loopin looked up at the ring with fascination for several minutes, "Yes," he said thoughtfully, "It would take one damn big finger to fit that ring."
"Oh." said Hurrmyninny, looking vaguely put off.
"Now," said Loop-the-Loopin, "Today we were going to learn about how to defeat Vloder- Voldermar- ah, What's-His-Name, you know, so Larry would be able to save the day at the end of the book when remembering back to this class, only I just happened to be passing this glade of fairies and I thought, why, the cheeky buggers, they've chewed up all the roses! Nasty creatures are fairies; you really need to know how to defend yourselves against them, which is why..."
It was at that precise moment that Professor Loop-the-Loopin's piece of wall art spewed out a huge white-blue plume, which engulfed seventeen students and killed them instantly. But nobody really noticed as they're unimportant characters who aren't even important enough to get a single line. However, they did notice the big plume-thingy, and started screaming like girls. As for the female students, they just hid under the tables in the hope that if they ignored it, it might just get tired and go away.
The plume retreated back to the ring, and formed a rippling surface. It was like, thought Larry, a lake which had been emptied out on the wall and had stuck there.
"Larry!" shouted Loop-the-Loopin, "Get Professor Fumbleforthedoorknob!" Larry didn't move. He was too busy pondering over how big a lake would be needed for some of the water to stick to the way instead of rolling off. But it was okay because Professor Fumbleforethedoorknob had already appeared at the door anyway. And also Professors Snapecrackleandpop, McDonalds and Nitpick.
Which was fortunate because it was at that precise moment that four people chose to throw themselves out of the rippling centre of Loop-the-Loopin's new wall decoration.