Larry Snotter and the Stargate of Doom
Chapter 2: Welcome to Slogworts
Colonel Jack O'Neill was not happy, Jan.
The images the MALP had brought up showed a Mysterious Basement Which Was Full Of Cool And Probably Technologically Advanced Stuff Which Could Possibly Help In Destroying The Goa'uld Menace Or At Least Make A Few Good Explosions. Instead, the Stargate had spewed them out – literally – into what looked like a classroom or something... only all of the students were wearing funny black dresses, even the guys.
He had looked at Carter. Carter had looked at him. He waited for the familiar romantic tension which usually manifested itself at times like this where he and Carter were looking at each other. It had not come. So he had looked at Carter again. Carter had looked at him again. Nothing happened, so he had decided to skip straight to the asking her what the hell had just happened, only to find that they were being ambushed by strange men and one woman, all in dresses and all brandishing weird sticks that spat out sparks. He guessed they must have worked a bit like zats, because one of the people had called him stupid and made some light come out of his stick, and Jack didn't remember any more after that.
When he next woke, he had found himself lying in a cell which may have been somewhat more ominous if it wasn't stuffed with four-poster beds and carpets and tapestries and a fire place.
Jack had begun to feel slightly more optimistic after this, and while he waited for the rest of his team to wake, he tried the door, which had told him to sod off. So he told the door, he would sod off only he couldn't because there was nowhere to sod off to, as he was stuck in this damn room. So the door said, well sod off to the other corner of the room and leave me in peace. So he said, no, you sod off. So the door said, no, you sod off. So he said, no, you-
"Sir, why are you talking to the door?" Jack turned around. Apparently their fighting has woken up the rest of the team, and now all of them were looking at him kinda funny. Well, at least, Carter and Daniel were looking at him funny. Teal'c was giving him a strange expression too, though to someone who didn't know him it looked very much like all of his other expressions.
"It started it," Jack mumbled grumpily, kicking the door frame ill-temperedly. Unexpectedly, the door hit him back as it swung open to admit an old man in a blue dress and with a long and somewhat moth-holey white beard.
As the others were obviously still too disoriented to say all that much, Colonel O'Neill immediately took it upon himself to play the part of the diplomat – a part which, he knew, Daniel was probably better equipped for, but in his opinion Jack did a pretty good job of it himself. "Who the hell are you?"
Looking somewhat miffed that the Colonel had spoiled his well-rehearsed dramatic entrance, the old man looked sternly around at the members of SG-1, "I," he said, "am Scralbus Fumbleforthedoorknob. I am the headmaster of this, Slogworts School of Bitchcraft and Gizzardry, which you have so foolishly tried to intrude upon. So tell me, spies of Voldermonterantulaburatticusnort--"
"Ah, excuse me," said Daniel, stepping forward before Jack could say something really dumb and get them into even bigger trouble. This drew an irritable look from Fumbleforthedoorknob, whose dramatic tension had once again been ruined, "We're, we're not spies, we're explorers, from a place called Earth. Ah, my name is Daniel Jackson, this is Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Carter and - Teal'c. We travel to other planets looking to form alliances and find new technology-"
"A little booze never hurt, either," muttered Jack. Everyone ignored him.
"You travel to other lands through peoples' wall hangings?" queried Fumbleforthedoorknob, anger melting into fascination, "My, but that must be so inconvenient. Surely folk couldn't respond so well to a quartet of strangers suddenly appearing in their homes?"
"Um, actually, people don't generally use them as wall decorations," said Daniel.
"Really? Well, I certainly can't imagine somebody would use them for a chandelier or something of the like, far too big I would have thought, still, some people do have queer tastes, I suppose…" By this point, Teal'c's eyebrows had reached new heights. Both Carter and Daniel opened their mouths, each ready to launch into explanation, but Fumbleforthedoorknob raised a hand, "However, this is beside the point, for the fact remains that you have intruded on Slogworts School, and I would appreciate an explanation as to why." Daniel the Diplomat returned.
"We're sincerely sorry for intruding on your school, Professor, we never meant-"
"We dialled the wrong number." Daniel looked at Jack, surprise evident on his face, then nodded his agreement.
"Uh, yeah, something like that."
Professor Fumbleforthedoorknob blinked. "Okay." They all looked at the old man, even the door (which was somewhat disturbing considering its lack of eyes with which to look), waiting for him to extend his remarks.
"Okay." echoed Jack finally, when he didn't. "So, can we go now?"
"Ahh, no." said Fumbleforthedoorknob, "No, Colonel O'Neill, I am afraid you cannot leave this school."
"Uhh, am I allowed to ask why the hell not?"
"Of course."
A long pause...
"Why the hell not?"
"Because I'm the goddamned headmaster, for God's sake!! Doesn't anyone appreciate that anymore? Because I said so you arrogant Earthling hooligans! Because I'm the boss round here!" He paused, took a deep breath, went into a coughing fit, took another deep breath and regained his composure. "No, Colonel, I apologise however you cannot leave. I'm afraid I simply can't release such untrained, if you will excuse me, numbskulls, such as you into the worlds."
"Well, with all due respect, Professor, we aren't exactly untrained," Carter began, to be cut off by Fumbleforthedoorknob.
"Can you turn a discman into a zucchini? Can you make bubbles come out of an alpaca's nose? Can you make a teapot do the can-can? I didn't think so. I am afraid it is my responsibility to keep away from the outside worlds, where you may potentially be a hazard to yourselves and others with your minimal magical skill. I will admit you into Slogworts as fifth year students just so you can be in Larry's class, and endeavour to teach you skills which will actually be of use to you."
"Ah, actually, I think-" Daniel started.
"No you don't. You're an idiot." Professor Fumbleforthedoorknob stated seriously. "I will have to leave you for the present, if you will excuse me..." As he went to walk out, Jack remembered something, something vitally important.
"Hey!" Fumbleforthedoorknob turned. "We don't have to wear dresses, do we?"
Notes: My offer about the Happy Meal toys still stands. I hope that was okay, I know it's certainly not the best chapter and the whole excuse for SG-1 being made to attend Slogworts is pretty feeble (though until they find a DHD or other power source, I guess they're stuck there anyway). I wasn't quite sure how to portray Fumbleforthedoorknob; at first I tried making him completely self-obsessed (I've still left a bit of those "dramatic tension" bits in), but it didn't work that well, seemed like I was going too far, so I've tried to make him a bit more like Dumbledore, though I've deliberately made him completely out-of-character in some places. How'd I do?
Disclaimer: People far richer and more powerful than me own Harry Potter and Stargate SG-1. I own a word processor and a strange sense of humour.