Larry Snotter and the Stargate of Doom

Chapter 3: The Third Chapter

      True to Colonel O'Neill's concerns, SG-1 did have to wear dresses, or "robes" as the people of Slogworts called them.  Jack and Daniel had brightened considerably when Aaron Sorkin (owner of Sorkin's Robes for All Occasions in Perpendicular Avenue, since leaving the West Wing) announced that he had no Slogworts uniforms in their sizes, but fortunately Professor McDonalds had recently come across four sets of robes in the school's second hand department.

      "Anyone wanna trade?" asked Jack, whose sleeves were falling down near his ankles.  He looked around at Daniel, whose dress/robes may possibly have been black once upon a time, Sam, who wore a garment so riddled with moth holes, claw-marks and some curious red stains, and Teal'c, who looked as though he was wearing a mini-skirt.  Each shook their heads.  "Oh, come on, it's spacious, it's, uh, it's airy, lots of pocket-space..." No sale.  Jack grumbled and started rolling back his sleeves.

      Also on Perpendicular Avenue, SG-1 was able to purchase their various school supplies – though, where the money which paid for these came from was never made quite apparent, however Jack noticed their zat guns and P-90s were never actually returned to their owners.

      "The Substandard Book of Spells (Grade 5) by Miranda Soandso, A Partially Completed History of Magic by Wallace Mc..., The Boring Bits in Magic by Your English Teacher, An Intermediate Guide to Disfiguration by George W. Bush, One Thousand, Three Hundred and Seventy-Four Magical Herbs and Weeds by Don Burke, Drafts and Potions: The Essential Wizard's Cookbook by Bernadette Toaster, Disgusting Creatures and Where to Go If You Want to Avoid Them by Dr Harry Cooper and Steve Irwin, A Guide to Killing What's His Name in Ten Easy Steps by T.M. Riddle... are these really all necessary?" Sam Carter queried, scanning over their book list.

      "Aye, lassie," said Haggis, the big hairy man from Slogworts, who had accompanied them to Perpendicular Avenue, "Ye'll need all o' those if ye ever want teh be a real wizard."

      "What if we don't want to be real wizards?" asked Colonel O'Neill, somewhat daringly considering the other man was five times his size.

      "Shut up and let me do me job."

      After picking up their Potions supplies at the local Coles Supermarket, they headed down towards Ollivanders which, aside from selling cheap postcards and plastic key rings, was also the main supplier of wands since K-Mart burnt down last week, as Haggis informed them.

      "Here we are, chaps, Ollivanders, hundred and seventy-second best wand shop in the world.  Jolly good, eh wot?"

      "What happened to your accent?" Jack asked the man.

      "What's wrong with the way I-?  Ollzy, mate!  Ya big galah, I was wondering where you'd nicked off to.  These four need wands, think ya can give us a hand?" as he said this, SG-1 noticed the only other occupant of the room for the first time.  Mr Ollivander, a decidedly freaky figure, stared at them all piercingly.

       "This shall cost you greatly," he said in a low voice, "Yes indeed; you must pay a price... in blood.  What I ask in return for this favour you ask of me is this: the boon of your firstborn child." he leered at them, "Or you could just pay by credit.  We also take FlyBuys."

      In the end, Daniel was presented with a wand of ash which had a Pegasus spleen core, Teal'c with a wand of oak with a core of naquadah, Sam a steel one apparently running off a nuclear power source in the core, and Jack a plastic glow-in-the-dark one with a core of olive oil.

      "C'mon, then," said Haggis, once they were back in Perpendicular Avenue, "Oi'd be'er git yew back ter Slogworts, git some rest.  After all, big day termorrer."

      The looks shared by the members of SG-1 were ones of barely contained horror.