Larry Snotter and the Stargate of Doom
Chapter 6: The Arrival of the Plot
Finding an opportunity to discuss their situation privately with his team was more difficult than Colonel O'Neill had expected.
Their dorm/cell was out, as their door tended to be something of a gossip and was ever-alert, listening for snatches of conversation. Jack had tried convincing it to take a break and go off somewhere else for a while, as he had seen other doors do. This door, however, was not willing to do the Colonel any favours at that moment, still sore from his "sod off" remark from their first day.
The Colonel politely reminded the door that he had not been the one to initiate that particular altercation (okay, his exact words were more along the lines of "oh for crying out loud, you started it!") upon which the door screeched shut, locking Jack, Carter and Teal'c in the room for eight hours (the latter killing any romantic moments which might have blossomed from this prolonged period of confinement).
From any time they stepped out of their room, it seemed, they were trapped in the company of a teacher, student, ghost or some other manner of creature. They couldn't talk in the halls, or any of the classrooms without risking being overheard by a portrait or statue. Even the grounds were no good, the dominating presence of the giant Squib in the lake killing any hope of a private conversation.
Jack considered their dilemma as he, Carter, Daniel and Teal'c headed towards the Gryffindork common rooms, Drone and Hahmirunniee trailing faithfully behind them. The pair had attached themselves to SG-1 from the start (think limpets) and hung around them not unlike a bad smell.
Bad smell. Hey, the toilets! There was an option they hadn't considered. Jack remembered Drone describing how he, Armandknee and Larry used to use Groaning Girdle's bathroom to secretly brew Polly Juice (some special kind of smoothee, he thought, though he wasn't totally sure of that). Now if only they could get away without being noticed...
"Chris Columbus!"
"Huh?" Jack looked around at Carter's random declaration, to see the portrait of the Horizontally Challenged Wommon swinging open. Belatedly, he remembered this to be the new password for Gryffindork tower.
They entered, to a more-or-less empty common room. Colonel O'Neill wondered why the room might be so deserted at such an early hour and, casting an eye around the room, quickly found the answer to his own question.
Larry Snotter looked over at them, a scowl planted on his face. "Go away! I'm brooding."
Hurryupplease looked worried, "Larry? What's wrong?"
"I told you; I'm brooding."
"Oh, come on, there's no need for-"
"You don't know what it's like!" Larry shouted belligerently.
Drone gave SG-1 a resigned 'here-we-go-again' look.
"Larry, please," began Whoremenee reasonably.
"WHO FOUND THE PHILOSOPHER – STONED, I MIGHT ADD – AND PROTECTED HIM FROM VOLDERMONTERANTULABURATTICUSNORT? WHO UNCLOGGED THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS AND GOT RID OF THE SNAKE INFESTATION INSIDE IT, HEY? WHO FOUGHT OFF THE DEMENTEDS AND SAVED BOTH YOUR ASSES? WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND HOUSEWIVES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR, WHO DID THAT, HUH? WHO SAW HIM COME BACK? WHO WAS FORCED TO CARRY HIS TONS OF LUGGAGE BACK TO THE HOTEL UNAIDED? WHO HAD TO ESCAPE FROM HIM? ME! ME, ME, ME!"
Herrymoney and Drone were shocked – more due to the fact that Larry had actually managed to string together two coherent sentences than anything else. They stood in astounded silence for several minutes before either one could find their tongue. Then,
"No, Larry, dear," said Hairminny gently, "That was all the stunt double."
"Oh, yeah," said Larry, sinking back into his chair with a sigh, "I forgot." Drone shrugged sympathetically, and Urmhianney rested a hand on Larry's arm in reassurance. The latter's reaction caused a great deal of uproar among all the Harm/Larry shippers who lived under the couch ("See? We were right!" "Beat THAT with a stick!").
It was then that Drone shifted nearer to put his arm around Harrmeearnii – silly boy, tittered the H/L shippers, if he had wanted to reach for his I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butterbeer, he should have just walked around her! Ah, but there was no teaching some men, utter Neanderthals that they were.
Jameinnie snuggled closer to Drone; it was cold in those common rooms, for Fumbleforthedoorknob had not yet organised to have central heating installed, the shippers nodded to each other – how smart of Hearmienunny to think to share body heat to keep warm, though they all agreed that she was very brave to actually do so with the slovenly Drone.
Drone and Yermionee shared a passionate kiss, while the shippers confided in each other their amazement at these incredibly unlikely circumstances which had somehow caused Horemyonie and Drone to find themselves in the awkward and unfortunate position of having their lips adhered together.
"Still," Larry brightened, oblivious to all that was going on between his two best 'friends', and the gossiping of the shippers behind him, "At least I beat up that annoying git on my own – boy, did I teach him a lesson – what was his name again? That seventh year..."
"Er... sorry, Larry; that was also the stunt double." Drone informed him.
"Well, how about when I squashed that mosquito-"
"That, too."
"I made a pot of tea last week-"
"Stunt double."
"This morning I walked down the stairs-"
"Stunt double."
"I fell out of bed-"
"Stunt double."
"I woke up, I got dressed, I cleaned my teeth-!" he stopped, seeing Hermjanney and Drone's expressions. "That- that was me, wasn't it?" Larry asked, beginning to look a little worried.
Slowly, sadly, the other two shook their heads.
"Well, surely I do something around here!" he cried in exasperation.
"Nope."
"No, nothing really comes to mind..."
Conveniently, their conversation was interrupted at this point by an entirely random and unimportant prefect. "Fumbleforthedoorknob wants everyone down in the Mediocre Hall!"
"Good afternoon, children." Fumbleforthedoorknob began, "As you may, but probably won't be aware, Professor Loop-the-Loopin has recently moved to Mandyville, leaving us without a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher for the seventeen odd minutes it took for us to locate and hire Professor Delirious Dumb Bitch."
"Hem, hem." Ominous music accompanied the clearing of Professor Dumb Bitch's throat.
Fumbleforthedoorknob shot an annoyed look at the school's little-mentioned Orchestra. "I know we're cutting into your rehearsal time, but if you would please be patient, I'm sure Professor Dumb Bitch would like to say a few words."
Dumb Bitch got to her feet, a simpering smile on her face. "Thank you, Headmaster." Lightening flashed outside. Damned electrical storms.
"Well, it is lovely to be back at Slogworts, I must say! And to see such happy little faces looking up at me!" She beamed at them, revealing very large and pointed teeth, and prompting a particularly fragile first year to burst into noisy tears. "I am very much looking forward to getting to know you all and I'm sure we'll be very good friends!"
Jack hated this woman already.
"The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of far less importance than their adherence to doing exactly as we tell you. The rare gifts with which you were born mat come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction. Blah, blah, blah."
As Dumb Bitch prattled on, Colonel O'Neill found his attention wandering. The words coming from her mouth blurred into a meaningless steam in the back of his head – in one ear, on a direct route out through the other – kind of like Carter's technobabble. But whereas Carter always seemed animated and involved as she explained whatever alien doodad they'd happened upon, Dumb Bitch was all business, and her words were a dull drone with a distinctly rehearsed sound to them.
Oh, and there was that thing where the woman was an alien.
Jack let out an almost audible sigh of relief, concluding that the two could no be related.
Casting an eye around the Mediocre Hall, Jack saw that what he had originally thought to be a respectful silence, such as usually accompanied such a speech (these people were big on speeches) was actually due to the fact that a large proportion of the students had fallen asleep in their chairs.
Larry was staring blankly into space, as he usually did whenever anybody started to use big words around him. Drone was slumped forward and drooling over the tabletop. Teal'c had his eyes closed in what was either meditation or a light slumber. The Jaffa probably wouldn't admit to it, but Jack rather suspected the latter. Daniel was staring at the woman, his expression a bad attempt at interest in her words, but the Colonel was sure that he wasn't absorbing any of it.
In fact, it seemed that Carter, Whoremoanie, the French exchange student who didn't speak any English, and the teachers were the only ones who were actually taking in any of it, and even some of the professors appeared to be on the verge of dropping off.
"...because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time to be recognised as a result of too much Firewhisky. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Magic is in charge so just sit up straight and listen for God's sake. Let us move forward, then, into a new era of openness, effectiveness, accountability and other impressive words of four or more syllables. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
She paused, apparently anticipating applause. When none was forthcoming, the Orchestra picked up a lively tune, startling everyone into consciousness.
"Thank you very much, Professor Dumb Bitch, that was most illuminating." said Fumbleforthedoorknob, stumbling over his robes as her bowed to her. As he righted himself, Sam looked across at the others, frowning.
"Well, that was illuminating," she said in a low voice.
"You're not telling me you... enjoyed it, Carter?" Jack asked, incredulous.
"Illuminating, not enjoyable," Hurrymuzzly clarified.
"It certainly did explain a lot, sir."
"Did it?" asked Daniel and Larry in a frightening unison.
"Sounded like a load of waffle to me." Larry added.
For once, Jack could actually agree with the kid.
"She just announced her plans to enforce a zombie-like obedience to their Ministry while taking over the school by eliminating anything and anyone that opposes her, and enforcing bizarrely restrictive rules aimed at helping her on her road to domination and simultaneously making Larry's life hell!!" Carter informed them.
"Oh." Jack frowned, glancing around at the hall at the students, still blinking as they woke from their slumber. "How did we miss that?"
Notes: I really need to stop it with the West Wing references, don't I? Please take the time to review. I live on feedback!