Author's Note - Thanks to Yvette and Jade-Rose for their reviews on this story. Glad Grant was depicted the way all of us felt he was like!! . mcj
CHAPTER 1 - THE BILLIONAIRE- PART 2 - THE TOUGH YEARS
Hello, Josie here again. I'm back in my room after being downstairs for a bit with those grandsons of mine.
They are worse liars than their Father about this party they've planned. It's pitiful.
I might tell you that Scott couldn't lie to me if he was facing a firing squad.
I've never seen so many shades of red as his face just now.
I'd almost had a mind to tell the four of them to wake up to themselves and tell me the truth.
I suppose it's not their fault. They are only doing what their Father wants them to do. Speaking of Jeff, it was him I was telling you about wasn't it? This part of his life is awful but I think you need to hear about it to understand what a wonderful, warm, caring Father he is and the ends he went to for his sons. He can't plan a party in secret but he is one hell of a Father.
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Stage 4 - Losing Lucy
Jeff and Lucy lived in Boston and had been there since Jeff resigned his commission in NASA. I got to visit my grandsons a bit as Jeff worried about me being alone in the farmhouse in Kansas. He was always treating me to air tickets to see them and in the holiday season, Scott, Virgil and little John came with Lucy to the farm. It was wonderful to see my grandsons enjoying the life their Father had experienced as a little boy even though they only got to do it for a short time.
Jeff accompanied his family on the last visit and it was obvious by his mood that coming back here saddened him a lot. I think the true impact of losing his Father was finally taking a hold of him. Grant had left the farm to Jeff in his will, despite accepting that Jeff would most likely sell it at first opportunity. The farm wasn't worth a great deal of money but surprisingly enough Jeff didn't rush off and sell it as Grant had feared he would. He decided to talk to me about his plans for the farm first.
Lucy was putting the boys to bed when he came and sat next to me on the verandah. It was very similar night to the one where I'd asked him whether he was happy with his life. Now he was asking me the same question.
"Mother. Are you happy here?" he asked me, taking my hand.
I looked up at the moon and remembered with awe that the young man sitting next to me started his life in this humble farmhouse and still managed to rise to the heights of walking up there. That moon shone over the fields where Grant and I had walked, where Grant and I had loved (you never knew that did you? I told you he made me a happy woman!) and where Grant and the son who sat next to me worked side by side. I know I told you earlier that I didn't like the farm that much but when I really thought about it, life had been pretty good to me here.
"I miss your Father but yes Jeff I am happy here."
"Well if ever you're not, I'm happy to buy you a house in Boston to be near us."
I frowned at him. Buy me a house in Boston! I think he was making too much money if he was thinking about doing that.
"Pray tell me why I'd move to Boston Jeff? I don't have to live next door to you to be happy. You and Lucy have your own life now. Besides I like it here. It makes me feel that I am still with your Father."
"I understand Mother. However, I want to put the farm to use. Provided that's OK with you of course."
He told me he intended to employ a struggling young couple to manage the farm for him. They lived a few miles away and had he had approached them about the possibility. He had come with Lucy on this visit specifically to make the arrangements.
"You'd remember the girl Mother. Her name was Katie. She was a girl I dated a couple of times when Dad told me to find someone to marry."
My eyes opened wide. That young Katherine was the one he'd lost his innocence to. For a minute there I had a terrible thought he intended to start up with her again under Lucy's nose.
"You didn't tell me you dated her Jeff!" Lucy's voice berated him from behind.
He reddened. "I was pretty young then Lucy. Besides..." he said sweeping her into a hug and planting a huge kiss on her lips. "I hadn't met you then had I?"
"Don't change the subject Jeff Tracy", she teased, " I might have to rethink these plans of yours now I know that. I can't let your old girlfriend take you off me!"
"Now I think about it, she was pretty good." he mused after a few moments, and received a lighthearted slap from her in reply.
Humph. Jeff wasn't the only one who knew how good she was I might say and he didn't know I knew either.
I let my breath out. I always thought the worst of Jeff. What a terrible mother I am. I watched him with Lucy again and heard Grant's words come back in my head. "You mark my words, he will end up with more than three children if he can't learn to control himself."
Grant was right.
With Katie and her husband Bill working the farm as caretakers I enjoyed my life, even though it was lonely sometimes. There was the church, card-games and county functions to attend as well as the monthly visits to Boston to see my grandchildren.
During my next visit to Boston all hell had broken loose. Lucy had found out she was pregnant again and was not happy. She'd broken the news to Jeff only the day before I arrived and there was a tenseness in the house I'd never experienced before.
After I found out the news I talked to Jeff. Whilst he seemed a bit annoyed at another baby on the way, he was all right about it. Lucy certainly wasn't. She was still having trouble with John and this just topped it all off. They had both agreed that after John, their focus would be on building up his business not producing babies. She felt she had failed him.
"You know Lucille." I said quietly. I always used her proper name when I had a point to make to her. "God has given you this little one for a reason."
"Yes well that may be Mrs Tracy but try telling Jeff that."
"I have already dear."
She smiled at me. She was such a pretty little girl. I couldn't blame Jeff for making babies with her in the spare time he had.
"Yes Mrs. Tracy I imagine you have. Thank you."
"I do wish you'd call me Josie dear."
If God had sent this fourth little baby for a reason, it must have been some reason and he was in a darned hurry to get him here. It was February 14 and I had just returned from visiting Grant at the cemetery on Valentine's Day when I received a call from Jeff. He sounded panic stricken.
"Mom. I've just got a call about Lucy and the baby."
I took a sharp intake of breath.
"Where are you? What's happened?"
"I'm in New York on my way to the airport. The hospital called me out of a meeting. She's had a fall and they said something about needing to deliver the baby. It's going to be a few hours before I get there. Mom, she's not due until April."
I think Jeff wanted me to reassure him that a baby due in April would be all right in February. I couldn't do that. I didn't know myself. Don't gloat that I don't know everythng. I know I didn't know then but I know now.
"You get yourself in the air and I'll telephone the hospital for you and see what's happening. She'll be all right sweetie. She's a trooper that little Lucy. "
I telephoned the hospital but I wish I hadn't. The hospital confirmed yes - a Lucille Tracy was receiving theatre and no - the prognosis was not good for the baby but that wasn't official and yes - they had a Scott, Virgil and John Tracy being cared for by the staff. I was almost tempted to fly over to Boston myself but couldn't really afford to and I wouldn't have been of any use in this situation anyhow.
Little Gordon was born that day weighing a tiny two pounds, a far cry from the size of his brothers and definitely more "premature" than Scott. Jeff got to the hospital after Lucy had come out of theatre. He had been by her side when she had woken up. The little fellow wasn't good and Jeff got a big reminder of what was important in his life as he watched Gordon struggle for life itself over the following weeks. However, our little Gordie was a Tracy son, and the Tracy sons were all survivors. Like his forebears he overcame all his first setbacks to come home to be with his three big brothers. He also brought with him a head full of red hair. Jeff didn't tell me his fourth son had red hair and took great delight in watching my shocked reaction when I laid eyes on him for the first time. It was two months after he was born that I got the shock about that. That Jeff! He deserves everything I give him in this story.
Still the premature baby experience with Gordon nearly gave me a heart attack and it certainly gave Jeff and Lucy a big fright. Despite him being a mistake they were grateful to have him.
Jeff's business was on the verge of making him more money than he could ever dream of. He regularly gave me the details of his current activities across the United States when he called every other day or so. Dispersed between information that Scott had hit a home run in baseball, or Virgil was learning the piano were bits and pieces of his ambitions. It was useless him telling me. It was Lucy he needed to tell and convince. She had the intuition. He had the head. I was just Josie, his mother.
Quite suddenly I received a call from him asking if I would come to Boston and do him a favour. He was wanting to talk to Lucy alone about a big business plan he had and wanted to do so without the boys around. He wanted it to be a special evening for the two of them. Naturally I agreed, seizing every opportunity possible to see the children, particularly that little red-haired grandson of mine.
Lucy looked very tired when I saw her but she had the boys all prepared for their night out with me. I offered to take the baby too but she shook her head. She was very close to this baby and I understood that. He was still only four months old.
I set off in the car chatting away to Scott and Virgil when I realized I'd left my purse back at the house. Jeff had given me money for the evening's entertainment and it was shoved in the purse. I turned the car around and drove the ten miles back home.
I told the boys to stay in the car and scurried up the path and onto the porch. I knocked on the door despite having a key and waited...and waited...and waited. Inside the house I could hear Gordon crying... and crying...and crying. Where were they? I got more than just a little alarmed and fished about for my key.
I opened the door and looked towards the nursery where Gordon was screaming. As I went to go down the hall towards him, I stopped and looked on the floor in front of me. There was the dress Lucy had been wearing not half an hour before, and Jeff's shirt. Further up the hall were the rest of their clothes.
Now it was my turn to feel like Grant had that night in the farmhouse. They'd nearly lost that poor little baby four months ago and here they were, back to their old habits again oblivious to the fact that he needed his bottle. I nearly barged in on them but by the sound of things it would really ruin an impending moment. Shaking my head I put that in my memory bank, picked up my purse from the sideboard and got the heck out of there. However not without picking up Jeff's underwear and putting it in my pocket.
I wanted him to worry or at least wonder.
As I drove I saw red. Business plans. Monkey business that's what. I'd come all the way from Kansas for this!
When I returned home with the boys I asked how their night was. Lucy didn't think I saw the naughty look she gave Jeff and the wink he'd given her in return but I did.
"It was good for both of us Mother." he grinned, wrapping Lucy into a hug. "We talked a lot about my ideas and we have decided to expand into Asia."
Well that was something. They had at least stopped long enough to talk about the business. But looking into their bedroom as I passed by to check on Gordon, it was obvious they hadn't stopped for too long. There was an empty champagne bottle on the sideboard and some of those weird oils I'd heard about. That bed was an absolute mess, it looked like a tornado had hit it. I also noticed that both of their robes were discarded on the floor despite them "still" wearing the clothes I'd left them in four hours before.
I smiled to myself looking at Jeff. I wondered what he was wearing under those loose canvas trousers of his.
I sometimes feel a bit responsible for what happened as a result of that night. You can guess what I'm going to tell you now don't you? Lucy ended up pregnant again and this time it was not something that I could soothe or appease either of them about. They'd had a massive argument about it and when I visited them, the two of them were very much at loggerheads. She'd given him an ultimatum to pull out of Asia or she was leaving with the children. He couldn't pull out without losing everything.
I couldn't help but feel that if I had walked in on them when I'd wanted to, he wouldn't have.. Well he wouldn't have got to the point where this could have happened, let's just leave it at that.
Lucy won the battle but not the war, with Jeff agreeing to freeze his capital and stop expansion. Fortunately he stayed afloat only with his superhuman efforts with the United States business. Where it became unfortunate was that whilst they had millions of dollars, they couldn't touch any of it. Things began to hurt financially.
As you can guess my plane tickets to Boston had to stop and I didn't get to see my grandchildren much any more. Worse still, I didn't get to see what was happening to Lucille right in front of Jeff's eyes.
That little girl had become really ill and he was working far too hard to see it. I got to see her when I decided to drive over to Boston with a friend who also had family there. The drive took the two of us a few days and I arrived feeling very tired. Nevertheless I looked better than she did. I could have been stone motherless dead and looked better than Lucy did.
I'd immediately closeted myself up with Jeff and demanded to know what was going on.
He was ashamed to tell me. Yes, things were bad. Bad between them, bad with the business, bad with her health. Jeff admitted he had blamed Lucy for the pregnancy and in the heat of the moment had overstepped the mark with some of his comments. He told me he had apologized for the things he'd said to her but she continued to dwell on them and was blaming herself for the money problems the pregnancy had caused. She'd ignored her health problems, not really caring about the baby. Jeff told me she didn't even talk about the baby. She looked terrible six months into this difficult fifth pregnancy, pale, small and without spirit. It was not like little Lucy to be like this.
I'd cornered her once I'd spoken to Jeff and although she made it clear she didn't want to discuss their problems, she didn't have a choice. My name is Josie and she carried my grandchild, wanted or not and she was darned well going to be in a fit state when the time came to bring the child into the world.
I'd gone with her to her Doctor who immediately put her into hospital to rest. I then went into a whirlwind of activity to organize things for the new baby. I instructed Jeff to hire a housekeeper when it was time for me to leave Boston. He shook his head. He could not afford it.
"Yes you can." I had flashed. "Even if it's one day each week, it'll be enough to help Lucy out. You mind yourself Jeff Tracy, your wife and family come first. Your Father might not be here to give you that advice but I still am."
"Dad wasn't working 20 hours a day and about to lose two hundred million dollars mother."
"No your Father never had that kind of money Jeff but he'd have given every cent he had for you and for me. You know I'm right. He was a good man your Father and he brought you up that way too. Don't change your values or who you are for money."
"Mother you don't understand."
"No I don't understand. But what I do understand is that you've lost track of how much you and Lucy mean to each other and what is important in your life. I didn't think the two of you would last this long but you have and despite of everythng that's ever been said you two are meant for each other. I can't understand you giving her up now."
That got him on his high horse. He had worked long and hard at making Lucy's parents and the two of us admit that we were wrong about their marriage.
I left Boston with a housekeeper coming in each Monday, Jeff working from home to care for his sons and little Lucy under special care to bring her back to her old self.
I warned Jeff that I would be returning for the birth and expected he would make an effort and make sure he and Lucy had patched things up. Little did I know I was returning for the saddest day of Jeff's life.
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Stage 5 - The Sole Father
Lucille went into labor three days early and only ten hours after I had arrived in Boston. As with all the Tracy babies, the ones born naturally started themselves off in the morning and were born as the sun went down. Grant had said that was the farming instinct in them. Scott, Virgil and John had all followed this pattern. Gordon had been an exception being an emergency but things seemed to have reverted back to normal with this one.
As the dusk fell over Boston, I waited by the telephone for news of the birth. By dark I was getting worried, as the clock ticked closer to midnight I was absolutely alarmed.
Finally the telephone rang and I will never forget the devastation in Jeff's voice when he spoke to me.
"Mom. There has been complications. I don't have time to explain. Can you get the boys up here to the hospital now? They're telling me that Lucy isn't going to make it."
It was like being slapped across the face. Of course she was going to make it! What was he on about?
I demanded answers. He burst into tears and couldn't give them to me.
Obviously I had to do as he asked. I rushed about waking Scott, Virgil and John. I dressed the three of them in their coats and made them put on their slippers. I led them to the car and strapped them in. I returned to wake Gordon. I grabbed a few things and threw them into a bag as he woke up. He grizzled a bit and looked about for his bottle. I had a cold bottle in the refrigerator. I looked to heat it but decided against it. I carried it to the car with him and handed the bottle to Scott. The little eight year old nodded and held it for Gordon to drink as we backed out of the driveway.
"Where are we going Grandma?" asked five year old Virgil who was now fully awake.
"We're going to see your Mommy." I said trying not to cry. I was sure Jeff was wrong though. Lucy must be all right. How complicated can a birth be?
"Why are we going to see Mommy in the middle of the night?" he continued.
"Your Daddy thinks there is something wrong with Mommy."
"What's wrong with Mommy?" asked Scott sounding worried. Being the eldest he was very protective of his mother.
"Well," I swallowed. "Daddy thinks she might be going to heaven."
"No. Mommy is just having a another baby." Scott said trying to work it all out in his head. "Only sick people go to heaven Grandma".
"I know Scotty. We'll see when we get to the hospital hey?"
"OK Grandma."
Funny how you can draw inspiration from a little boy.
We pulled into the car park and I quickly unstrapped the children. I carried Gordon, led John by the hand and ushered Scott and Virgil in front of me. I approached the front desk.
"I'm here to see Lucille Tracy. She is in maternity please." I said directly and watched as the receptionist searched the records. It seemed to take her ages.
"It appears Mrs. Tracy has been moved from maternity.' she finally said. "She is in intensive care now. Follow me please."
We followed her through the corridors of the hospital and finally to a room at the end of the intensive care ward. I didn't like the look of this.
I entered the room and reality never hit me harder in the face than that moment.
In the bed was Lucille with tubes coming out of her everywhere. She was crying as if she would never stop. Jeff was sobbing but trying to pull himself together.
An incubator looked me straight in the eye. In it was a tiny baby. My fifth grandson Alan. He had a monitor on him as well. He had bruises all over his little face and was on a respirator.
I pushed Scott and Virgil in front of me. They looked about and started crying too. John looked at me and started crying.
Gordon saw his mother and started screaming for her to hold him. I realised that our little premature baby had grown into quite a strong little fellow as I grappled to hold him.
Lucille tried to talk to her sons one at a time but the whole time I saw her fading. Jeff had been right. This little girl of his wasn't going to make it.
"Dear God what are you thinking about?" I thought as I stood hugging Gordon and watching this dreadful scene. "Don't do this to my son."
I didn't know what had happened to bring all this about. All I knew was that the beautiful little English girl who had loved my Jeff so deeply these past eleven years was about to leave his life. I didn't want to lose her. She was everything to Jeff.
"Josie." she sobbed using my name for the first time. "My babies..."
"Sweetie. I'll take care of your babies." I assured her as I could see she was near the end. "Don't you cry now."
Jeff insisted I take the children out of the room before she died. I did as he said but he had no idea how hard it was answering their questions.
"Is Mommy OK Grandma?" Scott asked still crying. If his Daddy was crying he knew something was up.
"Mommy looked really sick Grandma." Virgil said. "Is she all right?"
"No your Mommy is going to heaven boys." I said, trying not to cry. " You and Daddy will have to look out for her up there in the night sky."
"I want mommy" came a tiny little voice.
It was little John crawling onto my lap next to Gordon. I held him there close to me until Jeff opened the door.
His chest heaved as he told me Lucy had died. His head bowed with defeat as he sobbed in front of me. His little boys watched him cry and they cried too. We all cried that day. We didn't stop crying for years. Jeff still hasn't stopped crying even though he thinks I don't know.
I thought I knew everything but for the life of me I don't know what sort of being God was if he'd seen fit to take this dear little child away from her five babies.
I sat there with the children for a long time while Jeff talked to the Doctor about Lucy and what had gone wrong. I found out from listening that the baby had his cord around his neck and had nearly died in utero. They had done an emergency C section to get him out but things had gone wrong during the operation. She'd hemorrhaged and they couldn't save her. They'd nearly lost the baby too. The situation could have been worse the Doctor was saying . Lord knows how that could be right I thought.
After the Doctor had gone and Lucy had been taken away to the morgue, Jeff said to me through his tears,
"I wish Dad was here. I want to blame someone for this Mom and I know he'd stop me thinking that. He'd tell me I wasn't being a decent man for blaming others about what happened to me."
"Jeff. Your Father always thought you were a decent man." I comforted.
" I know the Doctor's did the best they could for Lucy. I watched them myself but surely someone is to blame for this. How could she just die like that Mom? I need her. I should have done more for her like you said."
I knew he had done more than he could for her, despite what he was saying. I felt so sorry for him.
Even though my four grandsons needed me to hold them close at that moment, I elected to hug my own little boy for a long time in that hospital corridor as he broke down completely. Jeff will always be my little boy, no matter what.
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Stage 5 - The Breakdown
As you can probably understand, everything in Jeff's life had just been turned upside down and I was left in the middle of it.
There are things you remember about times of tragedy and things you choose to forget. I tried to forget most things about that time between when Lucy died and when we buried her up on the hillside in a pretty little cemetery just outside of Boston. You see I had to forget because it gave me too much pain to remember. There were things like ringing Lucy's Mother in England and telling her that her precious daughter had died, answering the questions and making the arrangements. All made me want to forget, so I am.
The saddest part was Jeff coming to me the day after she had died and asking if he could sell the farm. He needed the money to pay for her funeral. He just didn't have the cash with the problems he had, and he wanted to at least give her a decent farewell after everything that she had been through for him.
I disagreed.
"You're good for it with all those millions tied up." I said. "I'll lend you the money."
He disagreed. He knew it was time to sell. In the end I agreed and he sold his childhood home with all its memories, good and bad to Bill and Katie.
He promised that he would buy me a house to live in once he got himself together and if he could, buy back the farm for me one day. I knew that it would be a long time before my son got himself back together.
"I don't need a house." I said. "I promised Lucy I'd look after your little boys. I'm moving in with you."
Other than selling the farm, the first memory I choose to have after Lucy's death is a vivid one after the funeral was done and everyone had gone. The funeral had been a fitting tribute to Lucy and there had been many people. But they were gone now.
I remember taking John and Virgil's hands and leading them to the car. I didn't let myself cry even though I wanted to. I still had to be strong for Jeff. Jeff still stood beside Lucy's unfilled grave, holding Scott's hand. One of things I have to admit to you that I don't know is what the two of them said to each other out there but I know that whatever it was the bond continues to this day at that gravesite.
When they finally came to the car I asked Jeff if he wanted me to drive and he accepted. I was glad about that. He wasn't in any fit state to be doing anything.
We drove to the day care centre where he'd left Gordon and I waited whilst he went inside and collected him. It hadn't been a good day for little Gordon it seemed as Jeff carried him to the car screaming on the top of his lungs.
I had prayed silently under my breath for him to be quiet just for this one day to give his Daddy a little bit of space. Even though God doesn't usually listen to me because of my wayward ways, he did that day. No sooner had the car started up than Gordon fell asleep, sniffing every now about having to be cared for by complete strangers when he was used to his beloved Mommy caring for him.
Our next stop was the hospital. The staff there had been wonderful to Jeff. They had kept little Alan there until Jeff managed to arrange Lucy's funeral. Well that was done now and it was time to bring him home.
I still remember pulling into the car park of that hospital where the proud new Fathers collected their wives and newborn babies and took them home to begin their new lives together. Jeff had done that four times before but it was not going to be like that this time.
He sat in the passenger's seat when the car came to a standstill and lowered his head.
"Do you want me to go in and get the baby?" I asked.
"No Mom" he replied slowly trying not to cry. "I can do it. Just look after the others for a bit will you."
I placed my hand on his.
"Of course."
He got out of the car looking much older than his thirty-five years in that black suit he wore. Black never suited Jeff but I supposed you didn't wear anything else to your wife's funeral. It took him a while to return. I guessed there were formalities to arrange with releasing Alan.
The saddest sight I have ever seen in the whole of my life and I say this without hesitation is watching that poor young man walk towards the car carrying his baby son in one arm and his dead wife's suitcase in the other.
That sight is etched indelibly in this old mind of mine and will never go away.
He put the suitcase in the trunk and got back into the car, still holding Alan in his arms. Alan was asleep and Jeff looked down at the tiny little boy he had almost lost. I could see the helplessness on his face.
"Mom he's so small. I can't do this." he admitted, starting to cry. " I need Lucy."
Instinctively I said, "You'll be OK Jeff. I'm here."
A little voice came from the back seat. "Don't cry Daddy. I'll help you."
His eldest son made that promise to his Father that day and whilst I know a lot of things about Scott, the main thing I know is that he honoured that promise and still does to this day.
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Well if this family ever needed a tower of strength to deal with this big dose of reality in their lives, it was now and because I'd promised Lucy, it was going to be me.
Looking back, all I can say is I don't know how the Jeff and I coped back then. Two babies, one screaming and unsettled all the time, the other also unsettled but giving us the added stress of now being able to walk and to top off the daily dose of misery, bringing up three other very sad little boys who missed their mother.
Alan's demands and incessant screaming really wore the two of us down. Neither of us got any sleep and if it wasn't for Scott giving Alan a bottle every now and then or keeping an eye on Gordon I think we both would have collapsed.
I worried about Jeff a lot. Even though he kept how he was feeling inside pretty much to himself, I knew he was devastated. He couldn't bring himself to eat and was hitting the scotch just a little too much for my liking. I know I had felt the same when Grant died but at least I'd allowed myself the time to grieve after him.
Jeff didn't have the time to grieve what with looking after the children and trying to keep his business afloat. His business judgement was severely affected by lack of sleep and his emotional state. As a result he lost a few important contracts he really couldn't afford to lose. He just couldn't get himself back together and was starting to question if he even wanted to without Lucy.
It was plain even to me that if his United States Company went down that would be the end for us all.
Even though I know everything, I still don't know what he was trying to prove to me or to himself in those early months after Lucy died. He tried to do everything himself from caring for his sons to running his business and he wasn't doing any of it successfully.
I almost begged him to lean on me more but Jeff, even in grief, was just stubborn as his Father was. He refused.
It caused him to break down.
When the breakdown happened he fell down like a pack of cards.
Jeff won't like me telling you about this. He looks back on it as a sign of weakness. He is a proud man just like my Grant was and as a result does not like admitting that quite frankly " he lost the plot" around that time. Well that's what the Tracy men are like. My grandsons are all the same. Pride is everything to them.
I remember I was reading a book to John the night it happened.
Jeff had been awake for nearly forty-eight hours straight preparing a new contract worth a lot of money.
He'd lived on coffee and the odd scotch for days despite me demanding that he eat.
Alan woke up as he usually did around 7.00pm and started to cry.
I kissed John's head and told him I had to leave the story now and attend to his little brother. Johnny had nodded.
I went to get up.
Jeff, however, went into his bedroom where Alan slept to pick him up.
Normally Jeff would change him and give him to me so I could find somewhere quiet to feed him. He was such a highly strung baby that there could be no stimulus at all when we fed him. If there was he'd scream for hours.
Jeff didn't come out of the room.
I took the bottle I'd heated for Alan into the room.
The sight that was in front of my eyes was awful.
Jeff was sitting on the floor with his three month old son crushed to his chest staring blankly at the wall with tears streaming down his face.
His lips were trembling. His whole body shook. There was no life in his eyes.
Alan was screaming at the force by which his father was holding him.
"Oh my God." I remember whispering, crouching in front of Jeff and holding out my arms to take the baby. He didn't recognise me. He had gone over the edge.
In the end I had to wrench Alan from his arms. The poor little baby was hysterical and for a few frightening moments I frantically checked that Jeff hadn't broken anything. I called for Scott. My nine year old grandson came down the hallway and into the room. He stopped and looked at his Father. His little face fell.
"What's wrong with my Daddy?" he asked in horror looking from Jeff to me to Jeff.
"Your Daddy needs special help." I said swallowing hard. "Scotty can you take your brother for Grandma and give him his bottle?"
"Yes Grandma." he said obediantly. " Where should I take him?"
Scott knew about Alan's feeds.
"It doesn't matter sweetie. Just not in here hey. Hurry along now, he's hungry."
"Yes Grandma. Come on Alan."
Scott took his brother off me awkwardly and picked up the bottle. I had to keep remembering he was only nine years old. He turned back and looked at me, his Father's dark blue eyes pleading with mine.
"Grandma. Please don't let anything happen to my Daddy."
"Don't you worry little one. Hurry along now." I soothed.
Poor little boy.
However I thanked God for Scott. I say it to this very day. Nothing was going to happen to that Daddy of his while I was around and while Scott looked out for him.
I picked up the telephone and called Jeff's Doctor.
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CHAPTER 1 - THE BILLIONAIRE - PART 3 - THE GOLDEN YEARS
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CHAPTER 1 - THE BILLIONAIRE- PART 2 - THE TOUGH YEARS
Hello, Josie here again. I'm back in my room after being downstairs for a bit with those grandsons of mine.
They are worse liars than their Father about this party they've planned. It's pitiful.
I might tell you that Scott couldn't lie to me if he was facing a firing squad.
I've never seen so many shades of red as his face just now.
I'd almost had a mind to tell the four of them to wake up to themselves and tell me the truth.
I suppose it's not their fault. They are only doing what their Father wants them to do. Speaking of Jeff, it was him I was telling you about wasn't it? This part of his life is awful but I think you need to hear about it to understand what a wonderful, warm, caring Father he is and the ends he went to for his sons. He can't plan a party in secret but he is one hell of a Father.
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Stage 4 - Losing Lucy
Jeff and Lucy lived in Boston and had been there since Jeff resigned his commission in NASA. I got to visit my grandsons a bit as Jeff worried about me being alone in the farmhouse in Kansas. He was always treating me to air tickets to see them and in the holiday season, Scott, Virgil and little John came with Lucy to the farm. It was wonderful to see my grandsons enjoying the life their Father had experienced as a little boy even though they only got to do it for a short time.
Jeff accompanied his family on the last visit and it was obvious by his mood that coming back here saddened him a lot. I think the true impact of losing his Father was finally taking a hold of him. Grant had left the farm to Jeff in his will, despite accepting that Jeff would most likely sell it at first opportunity. The farm wasn't worth a great deal of money but surprisingly enough Jeff didn't rush off and sell it as Grant had feared he would. He decided to talk to me about his plans for the farm first.
Lucy was putting the boys to bed when he came and sat next to me on the verandah. It was very similar night to the one where I'd asked him whether he was happy with his life. Now he was asking me the same question.
"Mother. Are you happy here?" he asked me, taking my hand.
I looked up at the moon and remembered with awe that the young man sitting next to me started his life in this humble farmhouse and still managed to rise to the heights of walking up there. That moon shone over the fields where Grant and I had walked, where Grant and I had loved (you never knew that did you? I told you he made me a happy woman!) and where Grant and the son who sat next to me worked side by side. I know I told you earlier that I didn't like the farm that much but when I really thought about it, life had been pretty good to me here.
"I miss your Father but yes Jeff I am happy here."
"Well if ever you're not, I'm happy to buy you a house in Boston to be near us."
I frowned at him. Buy me a house in Boston! I think he was making too much money if he was thinking about doing that.
"Pray tell me why I'd move to Boston Jeff? I don't have to live next door to you to be happy. You and Lucy have your own life now. Besides I like it here. It makes me feel that I am still with your Father."
"I understand Mother. However, I want to put the farm to use. Provided that's OK with you of course."
He told me he intended to employ a struggling young couple to manage the farm for him. They lived a few miles away and had he had approached them about the possibility. He had come with Lucy on this visit specifically to make the arrangements.
"You'd remember the girl Mother. Her name was Katie. She was a girl I dated a couple of times when Dad told me to find someone to marry."
My eyes opened wide. That young Katherine was the one he'd lost his innocence to. For a minute there I had a terrible thought he intended to start up with her again under Lucy's nose.
"You didn't tell me you dated her Jeff!" Lucy's voice berated him from behind.
He reddened. "I was pretty young then Lucy. Besides..." he said sweeping her into a hug and planting a huge kiss on her lips. "I hadn't met you then had I?"
"Don't change the subject Jeff Tracy", she teased, " I might have to rethink these plans of yours now I know that. I can't let your old girlfriend take you off me!"
"Now I think about it, she was pretty good." he mused after a few moments, and received a lighthearted slap from her in reply.
Humph. Jeff wasn't the only one who knew how good she was I might say and he didn't know I knew either.
I let my breath out. I always thought the worst of Jeff. What a terrible mother I am. I watched him with Lucy again and heard Grant's words come back in my head. "You mark my words, he will end up with more than three children if he can't learn to control himself."
Grant was right.
With Katie and her husband Bill working the farm as caretakers I enjoyed my life, even though it was lonely sometimes. There was the church, card-games and county functions to attend as well as the monthly visits to Boston to see my grandchildren.
During my next visit to Boston all hell had broken loose. Lucy had found out she was pregnant again and was not happy. She'd broken the news to Jeff only the day before I arrived and there was a tenseness in the house I'd never experienced before.
After I found out the news I talked to Jeff. Whilst he seemed a bit annoyed at another baby on the way, he was all right about it. Lucy certainly wasn't. She was still having trouble with John and this just topped it all off. They had both agreed that after John, their focus would be on building up his business not producing babies. She felt she had failed him.
"You know Lucille." I said quietly. I always used her proper name when I had a point to make to her. "God has given you this little one for a reason."
"Yes well that may be Mrs Tracy but try telling Jeff that."
"I have already dear."
She smiled at me. She was such a pretty little girl. I couldn't blame Jeff for making babies with her in the spare time he had.
"Yes Mrs. Tracy I imagine you have. Thank you."
"I do wish you'd call me Josie dear."
If God had sent this fourth little baby for a reason, it must have been some reason and he was in a darned hurry to get him here. It was February 14 and I had just returned from visiting Grant at the cemetery on Valentine's Day when I received a call from Jeff. He sounded panic stricken.
"Mom. I've just got a call about Lucy and the baby."
I took a sharp intake of breath.
"Where are you? What's happened?"
"I'm in New York on my way to the airport. The hospital called me out of a meeting. She's had a fall and they said something about needing to deliver the baby. It's going to be a few hours before I get there. Mom, she's not due until April."
I think Jeff wanted me to reassure him that a baby due in April would be all right in February. I couldn't do that. I didn't know myself. Don't gloat that I don't know everythng. I know I didn't know then but I know now.
"You get yourself in the air and I'll telephone the hospital for you and see what's happening. She'll be all right sweetie. She's a trooper that little Lucy. "
I telephoned the hospital but I wish I hadn't. The hospital confirmed yes - a Lucille Tracy was receiving theatre and no - the prognosis was not good for the baby but that wasn't official and yes - they had a Scott, Virgil and John Tracy being cared for by the staff. I was almost tempted to fly over to Boston myself but couldn't really afford to and I wouldn't have been of any use in this situation anyhow.
Little Gordon was born that day weighing a tiny two pounds, a far cry from the size of his brothers and definitely more "premature" than Scott. Jeff got to the hospital after Lucy had come out of theatre. He had been by her side when she had woken up. The little fellow wasn't good and Jeff got a big reminder of what was important in his life as he watched Gordon struggle for life itself over the following weeks. However, our little Gordie was a Tracy son, and the Tracy sons were all survivors. Like his forebears he overcame all his first setbacks to come home to be with his three big brothers. He also brought with him a head full of red hair. Jeff didn't tell me his fourth son had red hair and took great delight in watching my shocked reaction when I laid eyes on him for the first time. It was two months after he was born that I got the shock about that. That Jeff! He deserves everything I give him in this story.
Still the premature baby experience with Gordon nearly gave me a heart attack and it certainly gave Jeff and Lucy a big fright. Despite him being a mistake they were grateful to have him.
Jeff's business was on the verge of making him more money than he could ever dream of. He regularly gave me the details of his current activities across the United States when he called every other day or so. Dispersed between information that Scott had hit a home run in baseball, or Virgil was learning the piano were bits and pieces of his ambitions. It was useless him telling me. It was Lucy he needed to tell and convince. She had the intuition. He had the head. I was just Josie, his mother.
Quite suddenly I received a call from him asking if I would come to Boston and do him a favour. He was wanting to talk to Lucy alone about a big business plan he had and wanted to do so without the boys around. He wanted it to be a special evening for the two of them. Naturally I agreed, seizing every opportunity possible to see the children, particularly that little red-haired grandson of mine.
Lucy looked very tired when I saw her but she had the boys all prepared for their night out with me. I offered to take the baby too but she shook her head. She was very close to this baby and I understood that. He was still only four months old.
I set off in the car chatting away to Scott and Virgil when I realized I'd left my purse back at the house. Jeff had given me money for the evening's entertainment and it was shoved in the purse. I turned the car around and drove the ten miles back home.
I told the boys to stay in the car and scurried up the path and onto the porch. I knocked on the door despite having a key and waited...and waited...and waited. Inside the house I could hear Gordon crying... and crying...and crying. Where were they? I got more than just a little alarmed and fished about for my key.
I opened the door and looked towards the nursery where Gordon was screaming. As I went to go down the hall towards him, I stopped and looked on the floor in front of me. There was the dress Lucy had been wearing not half an hour before, and Jeff's shirt. Further up the hall were the rest of their clothes.
Now it was my turn to feel like Grant had that night in the farmhouse. They'd nearly lost that poor little baby four months ago and here they were, back to their old habits again oblivious to the fact that he needed his bottle. I nearly barged in on them but by the sound of things it would really ruin an impending moment. Shaking my head I put that in my memory bank, picked up my purse from the sideboard and got the heck out of there. However not without picking up Jeff's underwear and putting it in my pocket.
I wanted him to worry or at least wonder.
As I drove I saw red. Business plans. Monkey business that's what. I'd come all the way from Kansas for this!
When I returned home with the boys I asked how their night was. Lucy didn't think I saw the naughty look she gave Jeff and the wink he'd given her in return but I did.
"It was good for both of us Mother." he grinned, wrapping Lucy into a hug. "We talked a lot about my ideas and we have decided to expand into Asia."
Well that was something. They had at least stopped long enough to talk about the business. But looking into their bedroom as I passed by to check on Gordon, it was obvious they hadn't stopped for too long. There was an empty champagne bottle on the sideboard and some of those weird oils I'd heard about. That bed was an absolute mess, it looked like a tornado had hit it. I also noticed that both of their robes were discarded on the floor despite them "still" wearing the clothes I'd left them in four hours before.
I smiled to myself looking at Jeff. I wondered what he was wearing under those loose canvas trousers of his.
I sometimes feel a bit responsible for what happened as a result of that night. You can guess what I'm going to tell you now don't you? Lucy ended up pregnant again and this time it was not something that I could soothe or appease either of them about. They'd had a massive argument about it and when I visited them, the two of them were very much at loggerheads. She'd given him an ultimatum to pull out of Asia or she was leaving with the children. He couldn't pull out without losing everything.
I couldn't help but feel that if I had walked in on them when I'd wanted to, he wouldn't have.. Well he wouldn't have got to the point where this could have happened, let's just leave it at that.
Lucy won the battle but not the war, with Jeff agreeing to freeze his capital and stop expansion. Fortunately he stayed afloat only with his superhuman efforts with the United States business. Where it became unfortunate was that whilst they had millions of dollars, they couldn't touch any of it. Things began to hurt financially.
As you can guess my plane tickets to Boston had to stop and I didn't get to see my grandchildren much any more. Worse still, I didn't get to see what was happening to Lucille right in front of Jeff's eyes.
That little girl had become really ill and he was working far too hard to see it. I got to see her when I decided to drive over to Boston with a friend who also had family there. The drive took the two of us a few days and I arrived feeling very tired. Nevertheless I looked better than she did. I could have been stone motherless dead and looked better than Lucy did.
I'd immediately closeted myself up with Jeff and demanded to know what was going on.
He was ashamed to tell me. Yes, things were bad. Bad between them, bad with the business, bad with her health. Jeff admitted he had blamed Lucy for the pregnancy and in the heat of the moment had overstepped the mark with some of his comments. He told me he had apologized for the things he'd said to her but she continued to dwell on them and was blaming herself for the money problems the pregnancy had caused. She'd ignored her health problems, not really caring about the baby. Jeff told me she didn't even talk about the baby. She looked terrible six months into this difficult fifth pregnancy, pale, small and without spirit. It was not like little Lucy to be like this.
I'd cornered her once I'd spoken to Jeff and although she made it clear she didn't want to discuss their problems, she didn't have a choice. My name is Josie and she carried my grandchild, wanted or not and she was darned well going to be in a fit state when the time came to bring the child into the world.
I'd gone with her to her Doctor who immediately put her into hospital to rest. I then went into a whirlwind of activity to organize things for the new baby. I instructed Jeff to hire a housekeeper when it was time for me to leave Boston. He shook his head. He could not afford it.
"Yes you can." I had flashed. "Even if it's one day each week, it'll be enough to help Lucy out. You mind yourself Jeff Tracy, your wife and family come first. Your Father might not be here to give you that advice but I still am."
"Dad wasn't working 20 hours a day and about to lose two hundred million dollars mother."
"No your Father never had that kind of money Jeff but he'd have given every cent he had for you and for me. You know I'm right. He was a good man your Father and he brought you up that way too. Don't change your values or who you are for money."
"Mother you don't understand."
"No I don't understand. But what I do understand is that you've lost track of how much you and Lucy mean to each other and what is important in your life. I didn't think the two of you would last this long but you have and despite of everythng that's ever been said you two are meant for each other. I can't understand you giving her up now."
That got him on his high horse. He had worked long and hard at making Lucy's parents and the two of us admit that we were wrong about their marriage.
I left Boston with a housekeeper coming in each Monday, Jeff working from home to care for his sons and little Lucy under special care to bring her back to her old self.
I warned Jeff that I would be returning for the birth and expected he would make an effort and make sure he and Lucy had patched things up. Little did I know I was returning for the saddest day of Jeff's life.
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Stage 5 - The Sole Father
Lucille went into labor three days early and only ten hours after I had arrived in Boston. As with all the Tracy babies, the ones born naturally started themselves off in the morning and were born as the sun went down. Grant had said that was the farming instinct in them. Scott, Virgil and John had all followed this pattern. Gordon had been an exception being an emergency but things seemed to have reverted back to normal with this one.
As the dusk fell over Boston, I waited by the telephone for news of the birth. By dark I was getting worried, as the clock ticked closer to midnight I was absolutely alarmed.
Finally the telephone rang and I will never forget the devastation in Jeff's voice when he spoke to me.
"Mom. There has been complications. I don't have time to explain. Can you get the boys up here to the hospital now? They're telling me that Lucy isn't going to make it."
It was like being slapped across the face. Of course she was going to make it! What was he on about?
I demanded answers. He burst into tears and couldn't give them to me.
Obviously I had to do as he asked. I rushed about waking Scott, Virgil and John. I dressed the three of them in their coats and made them put on their slippers. I led them to the car and strapped them in. I returned to wake Gordon. I grabbed a few things and threw them into a bag as he woke up. He grizzled a bit and looked about for his bottle. I had a cold bottle in the refrigerator. I looked to heat it but decided against it. I carried it to the car with him and handed the bottle to Scott. The little eight year old nodded and held it for Gordon to drink as we backed out of the driveway.
"Where are we going Grandma?" asked five year old Virgil who was now fully awake.
"We're going to see your Mommy." I said trying not to cry. I was sure Jeff was wrong though. Lucy must be all right. How complicated can a birth be?
"Why are we going to see Mommy in the middle of the night?" he continued.
"Your Daddy thinks there is something wrong with Mommy."
"What's wrong with Mommy?" asked Scott sounding worried. Being the eldest he was very protective of his mother.
"Well," I swallowed. "Daddy thinks she might be going to heaven."
"No. Mommy is just having a another baby." Scott said trying to work it all out in his head. "Only sick people go to heaven Grandma".
"I know Scotty. We'll see when we get to the hospital hey?"
"OK Grandma."
Funny how you can draw inspiration from a little boy.
We pulled into the car park and I quickly unstrapped the children. I carried Gordon, led John by the hand and ushered Scott and Virgil in front of me. I approached the front desk.
"I'm here to see Lucille Tracy. She is in maternity please." I said directly and watched as the receptionist searched the records. It seemed to take her ages.
"It appears Mrs. Tracy has been moved from maternity.' she finally said. "She is in intensive care now. Follow me please."
We followed her through the corridors of the hospital and finally to a room at the end of the intensive care ward. I didn't like the look of this.
I entered the room and reality never hit me harder in the face than that moment.
In the bed was Lucille with tubes coming out of her everywhere. She was crying as if she would never stop. Jeff was sobbing but trying to pull himself together.
An incubator looked me straight in the eye. In it was a tiny baby. My fifth grandson Alan. He had a monitor on him as well. He had bruises all over his little face and was on a respirator.
I pushed Scott and Virgil in front of me. They looked about and started crying too. John looked at me and started crying.
Gordon saw his mother and started screaming for her to hold him. I realised that our little premature baby had grown into quite a strong little fellow as I grappled to hold him.
Lucille tried to talk to her sons one at a time but the whole time I saw her fading. Jeff had been right. This little girl of his wasn't going to make it.
"Dear God what are you thinking about?" I thought as I stood hugging Gordon and watching this dreadful scene. "Don't do this to my son."
I didn't know what had happened to bring all this about. All I knew was that the beautiful little English girl who had loved my Jeff so deeply these past eleven years was about to leave his life. I didn't want to lose her. She was everything to Jeff.
"Josie." she sobbed using my name for the first time. "My babies..."
"Sweetie. I'll take care of your babies." I assured her as I could see she was near the end. "Don't you cry now."
Jeff insisted I take the children out of the room before she died. I did as he said but he had no idea how hard it was answering their questions.
"Is Mommy OK Grandma?" Scott asked still crying. If his Daddy was crying he knew something was up.
"Mommy looked really sick Grandma." Virgil said. "Is she all right?"
"No your Mommy is going to heaven boys." I said, trying not to cry. " You and Daddy will have to look out for her up there in the night sky."
"I want mommy" came a tiny little voice.
It was little John crawling onto my lap next to Gordon. I held him there close to me until Jeff opened the door.
His chest heaved as he told me Lucy had died. His head bowed with defeat as he sobbed in front of me. His little boys watched him cry and they cried too. We all cried that day. We didn't stop crying for years. Jeff still hasn't stopped crying even though he thinks I don't know.
I thought I knew everything but for the life of me I don't know what sort of being God was if he'd seen fit to take this dear little child away from her five babies.
I sat there with the children for a long time while Jeff talked to the Doctor about Lucy and what had gone wrong. I found out from listening that the baby had his cord around his neck and had nearly died in utero. They had done an emergency C section to get him out but things had gone wrong during the operation. She'd hemorrhaged and they couldn't save her. They'd nearly lost the baby too. The situation could have been worse the Doctor was saying . Lord knows how that could be right I thought.
After the Doctor had gone and Lucy had been taken away to the morgue, Jeff said to me through his tears,
"I wish Dad was here. I want to blame someone for this Mom and I know he'd stop me thinking that. He'd tell me I wasn't being a decent man for blaming others about what happened to me."
"Jeff. Your Father always thought you were a decent man." I comforted.
" I know the Doctor's did the best they could for Lucy. I watched them myself but surely someone is to blame for this. How could she just die like that Mom? I need her. I should have done more for her like you said."
I knew he had done more than he could for her, despite what he was saying. I felt so sorry for him.
Even though my four grandsons needed me to hold them close at that moment, I elected to hug my own little boy for a long time in that hospital corridor as he broke down completely. Jeff will always be my little boy, no matter what.
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Stage 5 - The Breakdown
As you can probably understand, everything in Jeff's life had just been turned upside down and I was left in the middle of it.
There are things you remember about times of tragedy and things you choose to forget. I tried to forget most things about that time between when Lucy died and when we buried her up on the hillside in a pretty little cemetery just outside of Boston. You see I had to forget because it gave me too much pain to remember. There were things like ringing Lucy's Mother in England and telling her that her precious daughter had died, answering the questions and making the arrangements. All made me want to forget, so I am.
The saddest part was Jeff coming to me the day after she had died and asking if he could sell the farm. He needed the money to pay for her funeral. He just didn't have the cash with the problems he had, and he wanted to at least give her a decent farewell after everything that she had been through for him.
I disagreed.
"You're good for it with all those millions tied up." I said. "I'll lend you the money."
He disagreed. He knew it was time to sell. In the end I agreed and he sold his childhood home with all its memories, good and bad to Bill and Katie.
He promised that he would buy me a house to live in once he got himself together and if he could, buy back the farm for me one day. I knew that it would be a long time before my son got himself back together.
"I don't need a house." I said. "I promised Lucy I'd look after your little boys. I'm moving in with you."
Other than selling the farm, the first memory I choose to have after Lucy's death is a vivid one after the funeral was done and everyone had gone. The funeral had been a fitting tribute to Lucy and there had been many people. But they were gone now.
I remember taking John and Virgil's hands and leading them to the car. I didn't let myself cry even though I wanted to. I still had to be strong for Jeff. Jeff still stood beside Lucy's unfilled grave, holding Scott's hand. One of things I have to admit to you that I don't know is what the two of them said to each other out there but I know that whatever it was the bond continues to this day at that gravesite.
When they finally came to the car I asked Jeff if he wanted me to drive and he accepted. I was glad about that. He wasn't in any fit state to be doing anything.
We drove to the day care centre where he'd left Gordon and I waited whilst he went inside and collected him. It hadn't been a good day for little Gordon it seemed as Jeff carried him to the car screaming on the top of his lungs.
I had prayed silently under my breath for him to be quiet just for this one day to give his Daddy a little bit of space. Even though God doesn't usually listen to me because of my wayward ways, he did that day. No sooner had the car started up than Gordon fell asleep, sniffing every now about having to be cared for by complete strangers when he was used to his beloved Mommy caring for him.
Our next stop was the hospital. The staff there had been wonderful to Jeff. They had kept little Alan there until Jeff managed to arrange Lucy's funeral. Well that was done now and it was time to bring him home.
I still remember pulling into the car park of that hospital where the proud new Fathers collected their wives and newborn babies and took them home to begin their new lives together. Jeff had done that four times before but it was not going to be like that this time.
He sat in the passenger's seat when the car came to a standstill and lowered his head.
"Do you want me to go in and get the baby?" I asked.
"No Mom" he replied slowly trying not to cry. "I can do it. Just look after the others for a bit will you."
I placed my hand on his.
"Of course."
He got out of the car looking much older than his thirty-five years in that black suit he wore. Black never suited Jeff but I supposed you didn't wear anything else to your wife's funeral. It took him a while to return. I guessed there were formalities to arrange with releasing Alan.
The saddest sight I have ever seen in the whole of my life and I say this without hesitation is watching that poor young man walk towards the car carrying his baby son in one arm and his dead wife's suitcase in the other.
That sight is etched indelibly in this old mind of mine and will never go away.
He put the suitcase in the trunk and got back into the car, still holding Alan in his arms. Alan was asleep and Jeff looked down at the tiny little boy he had almost lost. I could see the helplessness on his face.
"Mom he's so small. I can't do this." he admitted, starting to cry. " I need Lucy."
Instinctively I said, "You'll be OK Jeff. I'm here."
A little voice came from the back seat. "Don't cry Daddy. I'll help you."
His eldest son made that promise to his Father that day and whilst I know a lot of things about Scott, the main thing I know is that he honoured that promise and still does to this day.
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Well if this family ever needed a tower of strength to deal with this big dose of reality in their lives, it was now and because I'd promised Lucy, it was going to be me.
Looking back, all I can say is I don't know how the Jeff and I coped back then. Two babies, one screaming and unsettled all the time, the other also unsettled but giving us the added stress of now being able to walk and to top off the daily dose of misery, bringing up three other very sad little boys who missed their mother.
Alan's demands and incessant screaming really wore the two of us down. Neither of us got any sleep and if it wasn't for Scott giving Alan a bottle every now and then or keeping an eye on Gordon I think we both would have collapsed.
I worried about Jeff a lot. Even though he kept how he was feeling inside pretty much to himself, I knew he was devastated. He couldn't bring himself to eat and was hitting the scotch just a little too much for my liking. I know I had felt the same when Grant died but at least I'd allowed myself the time to grieve after him.
Jeff didn't have the time to grieve what with looking after the children and trying to keep his business afloat. His business judgement was severely affected by lack of sleep and his emotional state. As a result he lost a few important contracts he really couldn't afford to lose. He just couldn't get himself back together and was starting to question if he even wanted to without Lucy.
It was plain even to me that if his United States Company went down that would be the end for us all.
Even though I know everything, I still don't know what he was trying to prove to me or to himself in those early months after Lucy died. He tried to do everything himself from caring for his sons to running his business and he wasn't doing any of it successfully.
I almost begged him to lean on me more but Jeff, even in grief, was just stubborn as his Father was. He refused.
It caused him to break down.
When the breakdown happened he fell down like a pack of cards.
Jeff won't like me telling you about this. He looks back on it as a sign of weakness. He is a proud man just like my Grant was and as a result does not like admitting that quite frankly " he lost the plot" around that time. Well that's what the Tracy men are like. My grandsons are all the same. Pride is everything to them.
I remember I was reading a book to John the night it happened.
Jeff had been awake for nearly forty-eight hours straight preparing a new contract worth a lot of money.
He'd lived on coffee and the odd scotch for days despite me demanding that he eat.
Alan woke up as he usually did around 7.00pm and started to cry.
I kissed John's head and told him I had to leave the story now and attend to his little brother. Johnny had nodded.
I went to get up.
Jeff, however, went into his bedroom where Alan slept to pick him up.
Normally Jeff would change him and give him to me so I could find somewhere quiet to feed him. He was such a highly strung baby that there could be no stimulus at all when we fed him. If there was he'd scream for hours.
Jeff didn't come out of the room.
I took the bottle I'd heated for Alan into the room.
The sight that was in front of my eyes was awful.
Jeff was sitting on the floor with his three month old son crushed to his chest staring blankly at the wall with tears streaming down his face.
His lips were trembling. His whole body shook. There was no life in his eyes.
Alan was screaming at the force by which his father was holding him.
"Oh my God." I remember whispering, crouching in front of Jeff and holding out my arms to take the baby. He didn't recognise me. He had gone over the edge.
In the end I had to wrench Alan from his arms. The poor little baby was hysterical and for a few frightening moments I frantically checked that Jeff hadn't broken anything. I called for Scott. My nine year old grandson came down the hallway and into the room. He stopped and looked at his Father. His little face fell.
"What's wrong with my Daddy?" he asked in horror looking from Jeff to me to Jeff.
"Your Daddy needs special help." I said swallowing hard. "Scotty can you take your brother for Grandma and give him his bottle?"
"Yes Grandma." he said obediantly. " Where should I take him?"
Scott knew about Alan's feeds.
"It doesn't matter sweetie. Just not in here hey. Hurry along now, he's hungry."
"Yes Grandma. Come on Alan."
Scott took his brother off me awkwardly and picked up the bottle. I had to keep remembering he was only nine years old. He turned back and looked at me, his Father's dark blue eyes pleading with mine.
"Grandma. Please don't let anything happen to my Daddy."
"Don't you worry little one. Hurry along now." I soothed.
Poor little boy.
However I thanked God for Scott. I say it to this very day. Nothing was going to happen to that Daddy of his while I was around and while Scott looked out for him.
I picked up the telephone and called Jeff's Doctor.
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CHAPTER 1 - THE BILLIONAIRE - PART 3 - THE GOLDEN YEARS
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