Author's Note:- Thank you for the reviews on "Artist". I am pleased to receive feedback, good and not so good from so many Authors I admire. One can only improve!
CHAPTER FOUR - JOHN - THE STARMAN
As I stand on my balcony before retiring for the night I look out over the ocean again and marvel at how good life is to me. It's nearly midnight and I'm nearly seventy-five and here I am still not asleep.
Jeff and his sons have all gone to bed. Jeff will be asleep within a minute of his head hitting the pillow, Scott, Virgil and Gordon will be snoring their heads off after the two bottles of red wine they drank this evening and John...well I know what John will be doing.
I know if I turn my eyes a little to the left I will see another balcony next to mine.
I also know he will be on that balcony and he will be looking at the stars.
However he doesn't stand there every night like he used to in the many years before International Rescue began.
These days he spends many weeks away from his family and lives his life surrounded by the stars.
There is a silence out here and as I look upwards I feel sense of insignificance as I see the night sky and all it's vastness above me. I observe that tonight the sky is crystal clear with millions of stars shining in the blackness.
The waves lap the beach but there is still silence.
I'm looking over there.
There he is.
His blonde hair is iridescent in the moonlight. His chin is tilted upwards and I notice for the first time how long his elegant neck is. I can't see his blue eyes in the darkness but I know they are dreamy and they scan the heavens for something. There will be a longing in those eyes right now just as there has been a longing in them for all but three years of the twenty-four years my grandson John has been on this earth.
There is nothing he does not know about the stars. He is an Author of astronomy books. Not like me. I don't write things. I just tell tales and there are a few to tell you about this quiet middle son of Jeff Tracy.
You see John Tracy has been searching for his mother in the stars for a long time.
He is distracted and sees me looking at him. He smiles at me in his gentle way and then he teases me.
"Having a party with all your friends Grandma?"
There it is. His discreet way of letting me know what his brother Virgil had tried to tell me earlier. John is always discreet and considerate, a quiet thoughtful young man who simply fits in amongst his brothers.
He is a true middle child.
He does not shine in the eyes of his Father as his eldest brother does but he doesn't want to.
He is not able to draw emotion from people by using artistic talent as his second brother can but he likes to listen to him play.
He is not a mischievous practical joker like his younger brother but he enjoys a joke as much as anyone and has a wicked sense of humor himself.
He is not wild and impetuous like his baby brother but he's saved that baby brother from many a caning from his Father.
John Tracy, you are telling me about the party aren't you?
I'd better answer up.
"Seems like it," I say with a sparkle in my voice.
"It is beautiful out here tonight isn't it Grandma. " he sighs contentedly. "But don't you think you should be in bed?"
"And of course you shouldn't?" I ask.
I know what he is going to say.
"Yes I should Grandma but I just came out to say good night to my mother."
I nod at him. Of course you did. You always do. It was me that started this ritual all those years ago when you were three and a half years old.
He looks up and I see him mouth the words I taught him way back then.
"Mom is the brightest star in the sky and while she's there she will never ever die."
He smiles at me knowing I know what he has just said but he isn't embarrassed that I know. He knows I understand how he feels.
John Glenn Tracy does not look like his mother. He doesn't look like anyone in particular. However a Tracy heart beats within him and that heart has never been able to come to terms with losing her. It has always worried me that of all of her sons, he was one least able to cope with her death. He still can't..
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A STAR IN THE MAKING
John Tracy came to be on this earth as the result of the moon mission undertaken by my son Jeff.
Now that sounds like Jeff brought him back from the moon doesn't it? Well before I go any further let me say there were many times that I thought Jeff must have got him from somewhere out there in Space.
Now I don't want you to think John looked like a Martian or had two heads. He was simply very different from his two brothers.
He came to be on his way the day his Daddy came home from the moon. I had stayed in Florida for the two weeks of the mission to help Lucy with her two young boys. Lucy worried herself to death about Jeff and buried herself in caring for the boys, particularly young Virgil who was a very sweet and adorable little toddler.
Jeff spent his thirtieth birthday on the moon and despite the fact that he couldn't be home with them to celebrate; she and the boys had a little party for him complete with hats and cake. She asked Scott to blow out the candles on Daddy's cake as they watched him on the newscast. Scott eyed the cake and all the candles and replied.
"Daddy sure is old. "
I watched Lucy take that statement in and chew it over in her mind. He wasn't getting any younger and neither was she. She would be twenty-eight in the fall.
Scott would be five in a few months and her precious little Virgil would be two in August. Maybe time would be against her if she left this last baby too much longer. She had promised Jeff a third child and he had promised her a daughter.
It was time they met halfway now.
I knew she had made that decision just by looking at her and as for Jeff. I knew he would oblige her. He wanted to complete his family.
I only had to watch him as he glimpsed her when he returned from the mission. He kissed me and hugged his sons while the whole time his eyes never left her. You wouldn't think they had been married six years by the look in his eyes. She came forward to kiss him and I swear I've never known two people who could go without air for so long.
"Mrs. Tracy I presume?" he asked as they broke apart and then hugged each other again.
"Are you the man from the moon?" she teased.
"I think I came from the moon." he smiled at her.
"Well I'm definitely Mrs. Tracy then."
"Mrs Tracy the man from the moon has missed you more than you know." he said.
Their eyes locked. Her eyes told him she had decided. He knew immediately.
All that evening the two of them sat on the couch opposite me. Could they get any closer to each other I wondered? He talked to us about the moon and she chatted to him about the boys but their eyes gave them away. They didn't want to be here. They wanted to be alone. When my very inhibited son can no longer contain himself to the point where he asked Lucy to come to bed with him in front of me, I knew what to expect soon.
There would soon be another little pair of Tracy feet in this house.
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A STAR IS BORN
John Glenn Tracy came into the world, nine months and ten days to that night.
As with Virgil, Lucy fell pregnant immediately but this time the result of the pregnancy upset her immensely and it was very difficult for her not to show her disappointment as the Doctor lifted her new little son onto her abdomen in the delivery room. She had been sure she was carrying a girl this time. Jeff told me she had tears on her cheeks as she lay there enduring the rest of the birth procedure in silence.
"Another boy." she grumbled later looking at Jeff almost accusingly as she held the tiny squirming bundle with the red face and unexpected beginnings of blonde hair. "You promised me a little girl Jeff. This one doesn't even look like a Tracy."
Jeff felt sheepish in fathering yet another son but I had warned him. I had warned both of them.
Jeff tried to make light of it, kissing her, kissing the baby, kissing me. He perched himself on the bed and put his arm around her. He gave her the brilliant Tracy smile that all of his sons have inherited from him.
"Oh come on Luce." he said kissing her again. " Don't say that. He is a cute little guy. We must have gotten a mixture this time. After the other two looking like one of us I guess it's a bit of a shock. Not to mention the blonde hair."
"I could have gotten used to the blonde hair," she replied and for the first time I heard her little English voice sound sullen. "It's the fact that it's another boy and this was my last chance to have a girl that I'm not happy about."
"I know baby. I'm sorry. I shouldn't make promises to you that nature won't let me keep.'"
Nothing more was said as he looked at her and she looked at him with her disappointed face. I looked at them both not knowing what to say. For my own part I thought the new little one was lovely but I knew she didn't want to hear that at the moment.
"Lucille I can't very well let you leave him here and try again." Jeff said anxiously as the silence between them continued.
He was worried now. He hated breaking promises to her and he knew how much she had been looking forward to a sister for Scott and Virgil.
"I have no intentions of leaving him here or trying again Jeff." she said and meant it. "I just wanted a girl for my own sake that's all."
She paused for a minute and looked down at her little baby boy whose grey blue eyes were now open. She looked at him for a long time. She stroked his little bald head and his tiny hand closed over her fingers. She traced her finger around his features. They weren't Tracy features or the distinctive Evans features of Virgil's. They were delicate, yet strong. It was a new feeling for her. Is this what their babies were supposed to look like?
"Yes he is cute and I guess... well... he's mine... " she said, trying to get her head around it all.
"He's ours" Jeff corrected her firmly, holding her brown eyes with his dark blue ones.
She continued to look at the baby. I am a firm believer that nature has its own way of making mothers love their babies and watching this disappointed young girl finally bond with her third little boy was a sheer relief.
"Hey there my little star man." she whispered softly as she stroked his cheek.
She was oblivious to Jeff or to me.
"Your Daddy and I made you the night he came back from the moon. You'll go up in the stars like him too one day. I know you will."
His mouth restlessly moved about looking for her breast. As she obliged him she looked over at my son and gave him the smile that told him it really didn't matter. This baby would always remind her that he made it home safely from the moon and of the night he took her to the stars with him, not once, but twice, as they made him.
"Jeff, he's our last baby." she said softly. "You should know that I'd love him no matter what."
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THE BABY FROM OUTER SPACE.
I was glad Lucille made that statement. I had to keep reminding her that she said it particularly in the first two weeks after she brought him home. John cried morning, noon and night and nothing she could do would settle him down. She gave up feeding him herself, thinking it was her milk. She rocked him and sang to him like she had sung to Virgil but this baby didn't stop to listen. He was off the planet, out in the cosmos somewhere screaming at the top of his lungs.
He was so difficult that Jeff pleaded with me to delay my return home to Kansas. He was in the early throes of his business and whilst he tried to help Lucy as best he could, he was tied up most of the time. Scott wasn't making it any easier for them either with his jealous tantrums.
As I walked the floor with little John I started to work on my own mathematical theory.
Yes my name is Josie and my only real talent is knowing everything but I was convinced that this baby had to be the result of something going wrong with Jeff up there on the moon.
John looked so different from his brothers and all this crying of his was very different too! I convinced myself that when men go to the moon something must happen to their bodies. Maybe something important overheats up there and then their babies go all strange. Well whatever happened, little John Tracy's unsettled state had me wondering if I had stumbled onto something.
What did Jeff do when I told him? Laugh that's what!
"You mark my words Jeff. I'm right about this. You're lucky that you didn't wait to have Virgil until after you came back. He'd have been like this and there would have been no way Lucy would have had a third one then."
"Mom you're priceless." he teased, hysterical with laughter. "You won't even get a chance to prove your theory. Remember? Lucy and I aren't having any more children."
Humph. I went home to Kansas on that note. I almost wished they had an accident just so I could prove to him I was right.
I spoke to Lucy quite often over the next few months and she confided in me that she worried there was something wrong with John.
My ears pricked up. My theory must be right! I had a mind to ask her to get Jeff on the telephone to tell him.
Lucy said John was still crying constantly. She'd had him seen by several Doctors and all of them said he was fine physically. The problem was emotional.
"Mrs. Tracy I can't leave the room for one second. Not even one or he becomes totally distraught. It takes me ages to calm him down afterwards, " she said in a worn out voice.
I frowned. Jeff had been a way a bit with this new business of his. Maybe the little one needed his Daddy around a bit more to lessen his dependence on her. I suggested that this was probably the cause.
I appeared to be right but things didn't change as he left babyhood and could toddle after his two brothers. That was the problem. My little Johnny didn't follow them around. He sat on the floor right next to young Lucy, or on the chair right next to Lucy, or on Lucy's lap, or in Lucy's arms. He didn't give that poor girl a moment's peace.
I was relieved in many ways that Lucy did have the "accident". At least now she was going to have to force Johnny's independence. I might also say it gave me the chance to prove to Jeff that my "theory" about him was right. Wait until the next one is born I thought to myself. Then you'll know I'm right Jeff! However I must confess I wasn't looking forward to having two children of John's temperament around.
Lucille for her part was unhappy about the new pregnancy, and unhappy about Jeff being away so often. It didn't help that John continued to erode her by insisting his mommy stayed nearby whether it be allowing him to sit on the floor next to her, or sitting on the chair next to her, on sitting on her lap, or carried in her arms.
When Gordon was born, and I was of no help whatsoever being stuck back home in Kansas, I often worried about how Lucy was coping with that dreadfully dependent little boy as well as the stress and strain of dealing with a premature baby in the house.She wasn't.
Life did not improve for her and in fact had gotten harder with this tiny blonde boy from the stars. Lucy struggled to cope with little Gordon's special needs and John did not help things with his demands on her physically and emotionally.
Jeff said he felt totally useless sometimes trying to deal with John's dependence. He didn't know what to do with him.
John would start to cry just as Lucy picked Gordon up from his cot to feed him. So John sat next to Lucy while she fed him. He would cry every time Lucy left the room to change Gordon. So he would stand beside her as she did so. He would cry when she bathed the baby. So he was bathed with Gordon. When Gordon was put back in his cot, did John go to bed? No. There he was right next to his mother. Jeff shook his head. It was a household in sheer pandemonium!
I kept saying to myself, "It was that trip to the moon Jeff."
Things came to a head when baby number five was found to be on his way and Lucy struggled against impossible odds to cope with the new pregnancy, her little premature baby who was less than six months old and her third son... our little Johnny.
I often think back in hindsight how much Jeff expected of that poor little girl. I still say that he saw the signs of her decline but it wasn't until I arrived in Boston during her sixth month and she had needed to be hospitalised that he was prepared to do anything about John.
Now with Lucy in hospital, Jeff's chagrin grew with regard to his third son. Jeff decided he would make his little boy grow up...the hard way.
"Johnny you're not a baby any more ", Jeff reinforced to him."Leave Mommy alone for a bit. She's tired."
John had looked at his father timidly but had still clung desperately to her.
"Johnny. Mommy doesn't need all this." he warned again.
No result.
"John. You're not to carry on near mommy like that or you'll get a caning from me!" he said forthrightly and meant it.
The caning ended up happening. The nonsense immediately stopped but John was now afraid to ask his mother to hold him close. Lucy did not know about the caning and was surprised at her little boy's quick independence of her. Jeff confided in me that he was afraid he had done the wrong thing despite the problem apparently being solved.
I was never in favour of caning myself but Grant was. Jeff certainly knew about that. I told Jeff if it had made life better for his little girl it was probably the right thing to do under the circumstances. She couldn't have kept on like that.
As you know Lucille Tracy died giving birth to John's baby brother...
John Glenn Tracy did not understand what had happened to his precious mommy in that hospital. He saw everyone crying. There was a new baby next to her at the hospital.The baby came home. Mommy didn't. If you guessed it was a recipe for disaster, you guessed right!
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THE STAR IN THE SKY
Every night after Lucy had died; John would come to Jeff and ask him the same series of questions.
"Daddy, when is mommy coming back?"
To which Jeff gave the same answer.
"Mommy isn't coming back John."
To which John would ask the same question.
"Why not Daddy?"
To which Jeff gave the same answer.
"Mommy died John."
To which John would say.
"I want mommy to come back."
To which Jeff would say.
"So do I John. Run along now"
It finally got the better of me, not Jeff.
"Jeff," I said "You'll have to explain things properly to John."
Jeff shook his head.
"Mother, he is too young to understand. He'll eventually stop asking for her."
I shook my head in disagreement. That little boy was a mighty intelligent three and a half year old and he'd been asking for nearly two weeks and I knew he would continue to ask.
After another week of it even Jeff couldn't take it any longer.
He sat John on his knee and tried to explain what had happened to Lucy as clearly as he could.
I sat opposite him feeding Alan. It was to be the beginning of all of our trouble with little Johnny.
"John. Do you remember when Daddy took mommy to the hospital to get the baby?" Jeff began.
John's blue eyes glanced across the room at Alan.
"Yes Daddy." he replied.
"Well when Mommy had Alan she got sick and the Doctor's couldn't make her better again."
His eyes were still fixed on Alan. Careful Jeff, I thought to myself uneasily.
"So mommy died and went to heaven." Jeff swallowed.
Oh dear! I could see John's jaw suddenly set like his Fathers did when he formed an opinion on something. He had worked out in his little blonde head that Alan had something to do with his mother going away.
"But Daddy, when is mommy coming back from heaven?" he asked innocently.
Jeff then knew he had to continue in the only way he knew how.
"Johnny. Do you remember when Monty died?"
Monty had been Scott's pet hamster who had died the previous summer. He had been nothing more than a rat and a rodent in my eyes but despite all of that he had been a very much loved member of the Tracy family. Scott had adored him. John had too.
John nodded at his Father.
"Do you remember what we did with Monty?"
John nodded again. Jeff put a finger under John's chin, tilting his face up to look at him.
"I need you to tell me John." he said deliberately.
"We put Monty in the box and dug a hole for him under the tree outside. Scotty covered him over after we put him in."
"That's right", Jeff said as he steeled himself. "Now Johnny, do you remember where mommy was the day we said goodbye to her?"
John nodded, his face dropping and his little eyes looking sad.
"Tell me John." Jeff insisted.
"…in that white box Daddy."
"And where did we take that white box?"
His eyes dropped from his Fathers.
"To that big hole."
Jeff tightened his grip on his little three year son.
"That's right Johnny we did and then we came back home without Mommy didn't we?"
His little head nodded stiffly and the tears formed in his eyes. He was starting to understand. Mommy was like Monty and he was never going to see her again.
"Johnny. Has Monty come back?"
He shook his little head.
"No Daddy."
"Johnny, Mommy isn't coming back either. Just like Monty." Jeff said gently, tears in his own eyes.
John started to cry in his Fathers arms but the whole time he cried he looked at his little brother in my arms.
I just knew we were going to have trouble.
Unbeknown to either of us, John later dug Monty up in the garden to see if he was still the same. He wasn't. A three year started imagining what had happened to his mother.
Then the nightmares started. He would awake screaming his little heart out and then sob for hours at a time as he pictured that mommy looked like Monty now did.
After a particularly bad night, I decided that this could not be allowed to continue. John certainly understood what had happened now but he couldn't deal with it in that form of reality. I remembered what Lucy had called this little boy that first day when she had been so disappointed.
Her little star-man.
God why hadn't I thought of that before!
I took the little boy out onto the porch and picked him up. He was only as heavy as Gordon with his fine features and delicate bone structure.
"John. Look up in the sky." I said.
He looked up as I had requested.
"What do you see sweetie?" I asked him.
"Stars Grandma."
"They are more than stars", I said, "Did you know they are the faces of all the people who have gone to heaven? Grandpa is a star up there and so is your mommy."
He looked a little skeptical. He was extremely intelligent and wasn't easily fooled. However, I think he preferred the idea of his mommy being a star instead of like Monty and how he had ended up after being in the ground.
"Which one is mommy?" he asked eagerly, his little face lighting up for the first time in weeks.
"Mommy is the biggest and prettiest star in the sky." I said, pointing at the evening star. "Look John, I think she sees you. She is twinkling at you. Look at how bright she is."
He smiled. He was the first of the three elder Tracy children to smile in four weeks. He looked at the night sky for a long time, his blue eyes scanning the heavens.
"Grandma, why didn't Daddy tell me Mommy is a star?"
"That's because Grandma is the only one that knows." I said feeling suddenly very wise. "Your mommy is the brightest star in the sky and while she's there she will never ever die."
Those words put his little to heart to rest at least. It certainly didn't heal it.
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STAR STRUCK
Little John came to know he had a future with the stars that night and I had started him on the path to it.
Jeff was happy John had settled down and even took him out on the porch himself some nights to look at "mommy". Jeff's love of astronomy resurfaced as he stood there with John. He began to point out the various constellations to his little son. John absorbed the information like a sponge and he loved the time with his Daddy. Jeff allowed him to look at his study books on the subject of astronomy, which had long been packed up in the attic. John, at four years old, carried them about like they were the most precious items in the world.
He would often sit next to me and ask me to read the words in the books to him. I was happy enough to do so. I didn't understand a word of it and I'm sure he didn't either at that stage but he listened attentively to every word. I hated it when he turned the page to the full illustration of the evening star.
"Grandma, read to me about mommy." he would beg and every time I did I had to try to remember what I'd pretended to read last time. He was very intelligent as I said before and I often wonder what he thought of me once he was able to read the proper words himself. There would have been nothing in the book about a beautiful mother with curly chestnut hair, brown eyes and a pretty smile who looked down over the earth at her five little boys. Oh well, my name is Josie and I've told worse lies in my time to keep this family going in the right direction.
The astronomy side of things certainly kept John happy but he still had trouble coping with losing his Mother. Nothing made it more apparent than the night after his Father and I had packed up Lucy's belongings for disposal. Virgil came to me all choked up.
"Grandma, how come Johnny gets to keep some of mommy's things and I can't?" he asked tearfully.
"Johnny isn't allowed to keep anything." I said. "They're all being picked up in the morning."
"He got some things out of the boxes Grandma. Can I do that too?"
Oh dear I thought. What next in this house?
After assuring Virgil that John wasn't supposed to have opened the boxes and no he couldn't have anything out of them, I went in the direction of the room they shared.
As I entered the darkened room, I saw John lying on his side on top of his bed covers with Lucy's favorite pullover snuggled close to his body. He was rocking backwards and forwards as she used to do to him to get him to stop crying. I visualized the depth of this child's loss as I remembered him hugging Lucy when she wore that pullover. The smell of her perfume was in the air.
"Johnny. Grandma said you couldn't keep that." Virgil sniffed. "And you can't have mommy's books either or her perfume. "
He looked at me.
"They're in the dresser Grandma. He put the perfume on the jacket to try to 'member her. I can 'member her after smelling it too."
I rolled my eyes at Virgil who was determined to either get something for himself to keep or make sure that John didn't keep anything.
"Sweetie, come on now. Let's put these things back." I said gently trying to ease the garment from him.
John shook his head and clung to the pullover tighter and put his thumb in his mouth. He was four years old now and as with all Jeff's sons, the stubborn streak was evident. A legacy of his mother who never did anything she didn't want to do.
"John. I'm going to have to get Daddy if you don't let me put that away." I warned. I was hoping he would give it up. I didn't want Jeff to go through any more heartache today. Even the threat of another caning from his father did not deter him. He had his mommy back again in his eyes. He could smell her and feel her in that pullover.
Virgil "kindly" offered to fetch Jeff.
With Jeff now involved, the pullover soon went back in the box and the perfume was poured down the sink. John screamed through the whole thing of course and got the resultant caning from it.
However I hastily took Lucy's books to my room. I would give these to John when he was older.
And for the record Virgil doesn't know I know he took one of Lucy's handkerchiefs out of the box. He keeps it folded inside his pillowcase. It's still there.
John also had tremendous trouble with Alan. You will recall that I had been uneasy the day Jeff had explained to John about Lucy dying. As I suspected John had it in his head that Alan was responsible.
I would often catch John staring accusingly at Alan. Alan, to make matters worse, was quite obsessed with John and followed him everywhere.
"Go away Alan." he would say pushing him to the ground. "I don't love you."
Alan was still too small to understand what John was saying but it worried the hell out of me. These little Tracy boys were all very close as a result of losing their mother and if nothing else they loved each other unconditionally.
I spoke to Jeff about it. He promised to keep an eye on John. Naturally with his work commitments he didn't. The undercurrent was there.
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STARRY EYED
Young Johnny grew up as had his older brothers before him but he still remained totally different to them both. He was tall but much slighter in stature than Scott and Virgil with fine bones, a perfect complexion, a strikingly handsome face and bottomless baby blue eyes.
He was also extremely clever and excelled academically. He studied astronomy with a passion now. He would often speak with Jeff out on the porch about a new star he had found and how far he thought it was from earth.
Jeff enjoyed fifteen-year-old John's company a great deal. He had purchased a very expensive telescope for John and used his influence to obtain privileges for him to view the stars at several of the larger observatories in the United States. It was always a treat for John to visit these places with his Father and it continued to cement his destiny.
"You know Grandma," this child of the stars would say to me as he sat at the kitchen bench drinking yet another glass of milk. "I'm going to write a book on Astronomy before I finish High School."
"That will be nice sweetie." I said only half-listening. "What are you going to call your book?"
He rose from the bench and looked at me as he reached for a piece of chocolate cake.
"Lucy's universe." he replied. "The evening star is going to be on the front cover. I remember she had a book with a similar cover. I remember her saying how important that book was to her. "
I nodded and remembered her books, still hidden in the bottom of my dresser.
I called John to come after me. He hesitated, obviously thinking he was in trouble for something and about to get the Josie "you should know better young man" lecture.
"No sweetie I have something to give you." I said.
The look on that young man's face when I handed the five books to him was priceless. He quickly searched for the book with the star on the cover. It was the third one of the five. He ran his hand over the cover and looked at me and smiled; that brilliant smile of his Father's.
"Grandma I can't believe you kept these" he said almost incredulously. "I thought Dad… well you know..."
The incident at age four must have really traumatized John for him to still remember it.
He kissed me and I hugged him in return. Grandsons are for hugging and I especially enjoyed hugging this one. He may have been the middle child but those books were for him and if they could give him joy now well I was glad.
He opened the cover and saw her name hand-written inside the sleeve.
"Lucille Tracy." To the left of it was a message. He read it aloud to me.
"Merry Christmas Lucy. I wish you were here. Read this and think of me. Love Mum."
The title of the book was "Remember me."
His face dropped as he closed it.
"My other Grandmother gave her this book to remember her." he said quietly.
After a while he added, "You know Grandma; I don't even know what my other grandmother looks like."
I frowned. That was a sore point with me. When Lucy had died, her mother had attended the funeral and gone straight back home to England again. She had not communicated with her grandsons ever since. Jeff often worried that she blamed him for Lucille's passing.
I patted John's arm.
"Well at least you know what I look like. Read the books and think of your mother John."
He smiled again but this time the smile was different. It reminded me of that smile Lucy had given Jeff in the hospital when she had said. "He's our last baby. "You should know that I'd love him no matter what."
John loved his books and John loved his astronomy. He still didn't care much for his youngest brother and that was obvious. I pointed it out to Jeff yet again. He dismissed me totally this time.
"Mother, Scott and Virgil are close. Alan and Gordon are close. John and Gordon are close. I'd have no hours in the day if I worried if Scott was close to John or whether Virgil was close to Alan as well as every other combination between the five of them. They all get on just fine. "
"But Jeff…" I interjected.
"Mom, John takes the blame for just about everything Alan does wrong. I've caned John that many times for things I know aren't his fault, I'm starting to worry he won't make it to adulthood. John admits to doing the wrong thing so he can protect Alan. If he didn't care much for the boy I'm sure he wouldn't do that."
He turned away from me then. I knew what that meant. Subject closed.
I opened my mouth to speak but knew he wasn't going to listen. I walked away muttering discontentedly,
"Jeff you're wrong. I know you are! John's just made himself Alan's whipping boy because he feels guilty about blaming his brother for his mother's death."
What's a whipping boy you ask? How old am I if you don't know that!
On top of that, what do you think is going to happen if you have a blonde, blue-eyed grandson with handsome features, a lovely gentle nature and suddenly teenage hormones take a firm hold on him?
Do you believe me if I say I don't know in John's case but I can have a good guess at it.
Jeff never told me about this but I know most of the details anyway. My second youngest Grandson certainly filled me in on what he knew.
Jeff had been working from home this particular day and I was in the kitchen baking a pie for Dinner when the telephone rang. Jeff had called to me that he would pick it up in his Study and assuming he was expecting a business call I did not show an interest in it.
The next thing I knew he was in the hallway pulling on his coat.
"Going out dear?" I asked as he picked up the car keys from the side table.
His dark blue eyes always gave him away. When they flashed like cold steel, he was angry, when they shone, he was happy, when they moved about dangerously, he was really angry. Let me say this to you. Jeff's eyes were flashing like cold steel and moving about dangerously. Now there's a combination not to be fooled with.
He said nothing and slammed the door behind him. What had happened I wondered? It was rare he reacted to business calls like he just had. He returned some hours later in no mood to talk.
"I'll be in my Study mother." he snapped. "Let me know when the boys all get home."
I shrugged. It was probably just Jeff having one of his black moods. It must have been business and I stayed out of that area.
Some hours later, my third Grandson came home from High School. He was now in his senior year.
"Hey Grandma," he said kissing my cheek. "How was your day?"
I commenced what I thought would be our normal afternoon conversation. I noticed however his eyes looking more than just a bit anxiously towards his Father's study.
"Is Dad home?" he asked.
"Yes why?" I asked.
Before he could answer my two youngest grandsons burst through the door into the kitchen. They said almost in unison.
"Hi Grandma." And "Hey Grandma."
As Gordon opened the refrigerator he and Alan looked at John, looked at each other and then burst into hysterical laughter. John reddened and focused his attention on young Alan.
"It figures you'd think this was funny Alan. That's just what you're like." he fired and stormed out. I frowned at the two of them.
"What's going on then?" I asked.
Gordon looked sideways at Alan who was standing there quite taken back at being singled out by John. However oblivious to John's feelings about him his expression soon changed and the two of them laughed uproariously again. Gordon was in his first year in High School and knew the whole story. The whole school knew. Naturally he had told Alan. I shooed Alan away and pulled Gordon to one side.
"What's going on young man?" I demanded.
"John got caught by the Principal today." he said mischievously.
"Caught? Doing what?"
"He and this girl were supposed to be doing a science project in the library but they were found by the Principal in the gym. Umm Grandma... they were...well...you know..."
Gordon shuffled his feet but I had gotten the general idea. He continued.
"I saw Dad at school later. He was looking pretty mad. Not only did John get caught doing that, he had been smoking … uh something not quite legal. Anyhow John's been suspended Grandma."
My mouth fell to the floor. My dear sweet innocent little Johnny…suspended?
Well it had been the truth and whilst Jeff never said anything to me, I'm sure he had a lot to say to John. Johnny was a mighty quiet young man for quite a few months. Whether that day had been his first experiment with physical matters I'll never know but like Virgil; he had been well and truly caught out. But caught by the Principal? Oh dear!
John finished school and looked to his future. For my part I still can't believe this sweet gentle young man could have been suspended. Smoking illegal substances? They had the wrong person!
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Johnny was determined to work with the stars. It was this ambition that led him to his life path. His College course was selected after much discussion with his father. He selected Laser and Communications Studies at Harvard.
Jeff had worked out that post-study John would be able to be accepted to NASA. John seemed happy enough with his Father's plan and took up his Father's offer to pull strings if he needed him to. How unlike his eldest brother who had balked at the very mention of his father being involved in his career!
John commenced the course and excelled in it. He identified star after star that was new to the universe. He published four books including the planned "Lucille's universe" during his time there.
I was glad this young man was excelling in his own quiet way. He deserved to.
He was also excelling in other ways too I believe.
College life suited John down to the ground. So many girls were drawn to his handsome blonde looks and gentle nature that he was well and truly occupied in the evenings when he wasn't looking at the stars. How do I know? Gordon Tracy can't keep anything a secret that's how! John should have learned by now not to tell him a thing.
John himself didn't give much away when he contacted his father or myself. His calls mainly covered his studies, his readings and his writings. He kept his busy love life to himself. However I decided to ask about it during one of his infrequent visits home. The visit happened to coincide with the mandatory visit for the anniversary of his Mother's death.
"John. You often talk to me about your studies. What about talking to me about yourself?" I asked this very complex young man whose life was the stars.
He looked surprised.
"What about me Grandma?"
"Well. Do you have any lady friends?"
He reddened. "Sure I do Grandma. There is no-one special though. I find it…well… hard...to get close to anyone." he finished with difficulty.
I looked silently at him understanding perfectly. I let him continue as it all unexpectedly tumbled out of him.
"Grandma is there something wrong with me?" he suddenly asked and I sensed the worry and frustration in his voice. "I can't get close to anyone except my family. I can meet girls. I can be charming and funny and friendly and they seem to like me. I can take them out and bring them home. I can enter in physical relationships with them. But Grandma, I can't bring myself to fall in love with any of them or even try...in case... well in case they die."
I immediately felt for that poor young man. Even I had not realized the extent of the emotional damage that had occurred to this middle child when he lost his Mother. It was now affecting his ability to relate. I personally felt I should suggest he get some help but one doesn't say, "you need a shrink young man" to your own Grandson.
"John, losing your Mother was hard for all of you and most of all for you as you were very close to her. I don't know how I can assure you that the likelihood of losing the woman you love is very slight in the overall scheme of things."
"It happened to my Father." John said quietly. "And if God will do it to someone like him, he will do it to anyone. I've been through it once and I never want to go through it again. Dad hasn't gone back a second time either has he?"
This intelligent young man had made a valid point about his Father but I did not want him to go through his life without feeling that special rush in his blood that falling in love would give him. I made a point of telling him how quickly things could change in his life and told him about how his Father had reacted on meeting his mother.
"Your Father was very like you John. He was studious, retiring, and wary of everyone. But the day he met your mother...well he changed. Love does that to a man. Don't give up on yourself. You'll meet that special little girl in years to come."
He nodded although unconvinced. He kissed my forehead.
"You know Grandma, if I do meet someone, I hope she is as wise as you are."
Wise? I thought as I watched him go. Not really. I just looked out for my Grandsons.
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INTERNATIONAL RESCUE
John graduated with first class honors from Harvard and immediately went to work for NASA. As the son of Jeff Tracy all eyes were upon him and despite the fact that he was the quiet middle child of the retired Astronaut, he quickly established himself as a leading Officer in space monitoring. His knowledge of the stars was so comprehensive that he was immediately launched into space to monitor the next attempted landing on Mars.
Jeff's chest swelled to twice its normal size as John spoke about the rush he got going into space for the first time. He was so proud of his son. I simply remembered his mother saying in the hospital.
"You'll go up in the stars like him too one day. I know you will."
The days were long for John in the satellite and without much female company, his opportunity to fall in love as I had hoped wasn't progressing very well.
It never got to progress at all.
Jeff Tracy offered his son the opportunity to monitor the satellite of International Rescue.
John did not want to leave NASA.
It was like Jeff had been slapped in the face when John refused. They fell out badly.
"Where is your sense of family?" Jeff had railed at him.
"Dad. I need a sense of myself." he replied. "I'll never find it if I return home and go back to being just the middle son again."
His Father had hung up on him. John was resolute. He was happy in NASA.
It took his brother Virgil to talk him around.
"We owe Dad." I believe Virgil said.
"I don't owe Dad anything." I believe John said.
"Johnny. Dad has been everything to us since we lost Mom. You know what he's been through. He's now doing this for her. Surely it's the least you could do for him?"
Once John knew it was for his mother, he agreed to consider it. John still believed that no one had ever loved his mother quite like he had, not even his Father. Even with that in mind It took him three weeks to sign up.
He resigned from NASA much to the disappointment of its' high ranking officials. John Glenn Tracy was giving up a very big future amongst its' ranks. His Father had done the same thing.
Now John spends his quiet existence in Thunderbird Five alone. He will never meet that special someone as he drifts silently in space, listening to calls in hundreds of languages as he monitors the earth for International Rescue. John speaks over twenty languages. He is vigilant and committed to his duty.
We see him one month in two as his youngest brother reluctantly takes over his role. The youngest brother he still blames for his mother's death. I often wonder if Jeff knew I was right after all about how Johnny feels about Alan and that is why he made sure they would rarely see each other.
However when he is away from us he misses his Father and his brothers dreadfully and his contribution as the middle son in a family of extreme brilliance and exceptional bravery is sometimes overlooked.
Not by me.
There is many a night that I make it my business to steal into the lounge room of our home and make a late night call to my Grandson John.
"Darling. How are you?" I ask him.
"Grandma. I'm fine," he says to me. "I was just saying good night to my mother."
His blue eyes look at mine over the televideo and we think the same thing.
"Mom is the brightest star in the sky and while she's there she will never ever die."
I love this young man with all my heart.
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I hope I have depicted John in a way that makes him a little less of the enigma he was in the show.
NEXT CHAPTER - THE AQUANAUT
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CHAPTER FOUR - JOHN - THE STARMAN
As I stand on my balcony before retiring for the night I look out over the ocean again and marvel at how good life is to me. It's nearly midnight and I'm nearly seventy-five and here I am still not asleep.
Jeff and his sons have all gone to bed. Jeff will be asleep within a minute of his head hitting the pillow, Scott, Virgil and Gordon will be snoring their heads off after the two bottles of red wine they drank this evening and John...well I know what John will be doing.
I know if I turn my eyes a little to the left I will see another balcony next to mine.
I also know he will be on that balcony and he will be looking at the stars.
However he doesn't stand there every night like he used to in the many years before International Rescue began.
These days he spends many weeks away from his family and lives his life surrounded by the stars.
There is a silence out here and as I look upwards I feel sense of insignificance as I see the night sky and all it's vastness above me. I observe that tonight the sky is crystal clear with millions of stars shining in the blackness.
The waves lap the beach but there is still silence.
I'm looking over there.
There he is.
His blonde hair is iridescent in the moonlight. His chin is tilted upwards and I notice for the first time how long his elegant neck is. I can't see his blue eyes in the darkness but I know they are dreamy and they scan the heavens for something. There will be a longing in those eyes right now just as there has been a longing in them for all but three years of the twenty-four years my grandson John has been on this earth.
There is nothing he does not know about the stars. He is an Author of astronomy books. Not like me. I don't write things. I just tell tales and there are a few to tell you about this quiet middle son of Jeff Tracy.
You see John Tracy has been searching for his mother in the stars for a long time.
He is distracted and sees me looking at him. He smiles at me in his gentle way and then he teases me.
"Having a party with all your friends Grandma?"
There it is. His discreet way of letting me know what his brother Virgil had tried to tell me earlier. John is always discreet and considerate, a quiet thoughtful young man who simply fits in amongst his brothers.
He is a true middle child.
He does not shine in the eyes of his Father as his eldest brother does but he doesn't want to.
He is not able to draw emotion from people by using artistic talent as his second brother can but he likes to listen to him play.
He is not a mischievous practical joker like his younger brother but he enjoys a joke as much as anyone and has a wicked sense of humor himself.
He is not wild and impetuous like his baby brother but he's saved that baby brother from many a caning from his Father.
John Tracy, you are telling me about the party aren't you?
I'd better answer up.
"Seems like it," I say with a sparkle in my voice.
"It is beautiful out here tonight isn't it Grandma. " he sighs contentedly. "But don't you think you should be in bed?"
"And of course you shouldn't?" I ask.
I know what he is going to say.
"Yes I should Grandma but I just came out to say good night to my mother."
I nod at him. Of course you did. You always do. It was me that started this ritual all those years ago when you were three and a half years old.
He looks up and I see him mouth the words I taught him way back then.
"Mom is the brightest star in the sky and while she's there she will never ever die."
He smiles at me knowing I know what he has just said but he isn't embarrassed that I know. He knows I understand how he feels.
John Glenn Tracy does not look like his mother. He doesn't look like anyone in particular. However a Tracy heart beats within him and that heart has never been able to come to terms with losing her. It has always worried me that of all of her sons, he was one least able to cope with her death. He still can't..
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A STAR IN THE MAKING
John Tracy came to be on this earth as the result of the moon mission undertaken by my son Jeff.
Now that sounds like Jeff brought him back from the moon doesn't it? Well before I go any further let me say there were many times that I thought Jeff must have got him from somewhere out there in Space.
Now I don't want you to think John looked like a Martian or had two heads. He was simply very different from his two brothers.
He came to be on his way the day his Daddy came home from the moon. I had stayed in Florida for the two weeks of the mission to help Lucy with her two young boys. Lucy worried herself to death about Jeff and buried herself in caring for the boys, particularly young Virgil who was a very sweet and adorable little toddler.
Jeff spent his thirtieth birthday on the moon and despite the fact that he couldn't be home with them to celebrate; she and the boys had a little party for him complete with hats and cake. She asked Scott to blow out the candles on Daddy's cake as they watched him on the newscast. Scott eyed the cake and all the candles and replied.
"Daddy sure is old. "
I watched Lucy take that statement in and chew it over in her mind. He wasn't getting any younger and neither was she. She would be twenty-eight in the fall.
Scott would be five in a few months and her precious little Virgil would be two in August. Maybe time would be against her if she left this last baby too much longer. She had promised Jeff a third child and he had promised her a daughter.
It was time they met halfway now.
I knew she had made that decision just by looking at her and as for Jeff. I knew he would oblige her. He wanted to complete his family.
I only had to watch him as he glimpsed her when he returned from the mission. He kissed me and hugged his sons while the whole time his eyes never left her. You wouldn't think they had been married six years by the look in his eyes. She came forward to kiss him and I swear I've never known two people who could go without air for so long.
"Mrs. Tracy I presume?" he asked as they broke apart and then hugged each other again.
"Are you the man from the moon?" she teased.
"I think I came from the moon." he smiled at her.
"Well I'm definitely Mrs. Tracy then."
"Mrs Tracy the man from the moon has missed you more than you know." he said.
Their eyes locked. Her eyes told him she had decided. He knew immediately.
All that evening the two of them sat on the couch opposite me. Could they get any closer to each other I wondered? He talked to us about the moon and she chatted to him about the boys but their eyes gave them away. They didn't want to be here. They wanted to be alone. When my very inhibited son can no longer contain himself to the point where he asked Lucy to come to bed with him in front of me, I knew what to expect soon.
There would soon be another little pair of Tracy feet in this house.
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A STAR IS BORN
John Glenn Tracy came into the world, nine months and ten days to that night.
As with Virgil, Lucy fell pregnant immediately but this time the result of the pregnancy upset her immensely and it was very difficult for her not to show her disappointment as the Doctor lifted her new little son onto her abdomen in the delivery room. She had been sure she was carrying a girl this time. Jeff told me she had tears on her cheeks as she lay there enduring the rest of the birth procedure in silence.
"Another boy." she grumbled later looking at Jeff almost accusingly as she held the tiny squirming bundle with the red face and unexpected beginnings of blonde hair. "You promised me a little girl Jeff. This one doesn't even look like a Tracy."
Jeff felt sheepish in fathering yet another son but I had warned him. I had warned both of them.
Jeff tried to make light of it, kissing her, kissing the baby, kissing me. He perched himself on the bed and put his arm around her. He gave her the brilliant Tracy smile that all of his sons have inherited from him.
"Oh come on Luce." he said kissing her again. " Don't say that. He is a cute little guy. We must have gotten a mixture this time. After the other two looking like one of us I guess it's a bit of a shock. Not to mention the blonde hair."
"I could have gotten used to the blonde hair," she replied and for the first time I heard her little English voice sound sullen. "It's the fact that it's another boy and this was my last chance to have a girl that I'm not happy about."
"I know baby. I'm sorry. I shouldn't make promises to you that nature won't let me keep.'"
Nothing more was said as he looked at her and she looked at him with her disappointed face. I looked at them both not knowing what to say. For my own part I thought the new little one was lovely but I knew she didn't want to hear that at the moment.
"Lucille I can't very well let you leave him here and try again." Jeff said anxiously as the silence between them continued.
He was worried now. He hated breaking promises to her and he knew how much she had been looking forward to a sister for Scott and Virgil.
"I have no intentions of leaving him here or trying again Jeff." she said and meant it. "I just wanted a girl for my own sake that's all."
She paused for a minute and looked down at her little baby boy whose grey blue eyes were now open. She looked at him for a long time. She stroked his little bald head and his tiny hand closed over her fingers. She traced her finger around his features. They weren't Tracy features or the distinctive Evans features of Virgil's. They were delicate, yet strong. It was a new feeling for her. Is this what their babies were supposed to look like?
"Yes he is cute and I guess... well... he's mine... " she said, trying to get her head around it all.
"He's ours" Jeff corrected her firmly, holding her brown eyes with his dark blue ones.
She continued to look at the baby. I am a firm believer that nature has its own way of making mothers love their babies and watching this disappointed young girl finally bond with her third little boy was a sheer relief.
"Hey there my little star man." she whispered softly as she stroked his cheek.
She was oblivious to Jeff or to me.
"Your Daddy and I made you the night he came back from the moon. You'll go up in the stars like him too one day. I know you will."
His mouth restlessly moved about looking for her breast. As she obliged him she looked over at my son and gave him the smile that told him it really didn't matter. This baby would always remind her that he made it home safely from the moon and of the night he took her to the stars with him, not once, but twice, as they made him.
"Jeff, he's our last baby." she said softly. "You should know that I'd love him no matter what."
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THE BABY FROM OUTER SPACE.
I was glad Lucille made that statement. I had to keep reminding her that she said it particularly in the first two weeks after she brought him home. John cried morning, noon and night and nothing she could do would settle him down. She gave up feeding him herself, thinking it was her milk. She rocked him and sang to him like she had sung to Virgil but this baby didn't stop to listen. He was off the planet, out in the cosmos somewhere screaming at the top of his lungs.
He was so difficult that Jeff pleaded with me to delay my return home to Kansas. He was in the early throes of his business and whilst he tried to help Lucy as best he could, he was tied up most of the time. Scott wasn't making it any easier for them either with his jealous tantrums.
As I walked the floor with little John I started to work on my own mathematical theory.
Yes my name is Josie and my only real talent is knowing everything but I was convinced that this baby had to be the result of something going wrong with Jeff up there on the moon.
John looked so different from his brothers and all this crying of his was very different too! I convinced myself that when men go to the moon something must happen to their bodies. Maybe something important overheats up there and then their babies go all strange. Well whatever happened, little John Tracy's unsettled state had me wondering if I had stumbled onto something.
What did Jeff do when I told him? Laugh that's what!
"You mark my words Jeff. I'm right about this. You're lucky that you didn't wait to have Virgil until after you came back. He'd have been like this and there would have been no way Lucy would have had a third one then."
"Mom you're priceless." he teased, hysterical with laughter. "You won't even get a chance to prove your theory. Remember? Lucy and I aren't having any more children."
Humph. I went home to Kansas on that note. I almost wished they had an accident just so I could prove to him I was right.
I spoke to Lucy quite often over the next few months and she confided in me that she worried there was something wrong with John.
My ears pricked up. My theory must be right! I had a mind to ask her to get Jeff on the telephone to tell him.
Lucy said John was still crying constantly. She'd had him seen by several Doctors and all of them said he was fine physically. The problem was emotional.
"Mrs. Tracy I can't leave the room for one second. Not even one or he becomes totally distraught. It takes me ages to calm him down afterwards, " she said in a worn out voice.
I frowned. Jeff had been a way a bit with this new business of his. Maybe the little one needed his Daddy around a bit more to lessen his dependence on her. I suggested that this was probably the cause.
I appeared to be right but things didn't change as he left babyhood and could toddle after his two brothers. That was the problem. My little Johnny didn't follow them around. He sat on the floor right next to young Lucy, or on the chair right next to Lucy, or on Lucy's lap, or in Lucy's arms. He didn't give that poor girl a moment's peace.
I was relieved in many ways that Lucy did have the "accident". At least now she was going to have to force Johnny's independence. I might also say it gave me the chance to prove to Jeff that my "theory" about him was right. Wait until the next one is born I thought to myself. Then you'll know I'm right Jeff! However I must confess I wasn't looking forward to having two children of John's temperament around.
Lucille for her part was unhappy about the new pregnancy, and unhappy about Jeff being away so often. It didn't help that John continued to erode her by insisting his mommy stayed nearby whether it be allowing him to sit on the floor next to her, or sitting on the chair next to her, on sitting on her lap, or carried in her arms.
When Gordon was born, and I was of no help whatsoever being stuck back home in Kansas, I often worried about how Lucy was coping with that dreadfully dependent little boy as well as the stress and strain of dealing with a premature baby in the house.She wasn't.
Life did not improve for her and in fact had gotten harder with this tiny blonde boy from the stars. Lucy struggled to cope with little Gordon's special needs and John did not help things with his demands on her physically and emotionally.
Jeff said he felt totally useless sometimes trying to deal with John's dependence. He didn't know what to do with him.
John would start to cry just as Lucy picked Gordon up from his cot to feed him. So John sat next to Lucy while she fed him. He would cry every time Lucy left the room to change Gordon. So he would stand beside her as she did so. He would cry when she bathed the baby. So he was bathed with Gordon. When Gordon was put back in his cot, did John go to bed? No. There he was right next to his mother. Jeff shook his head. It was a household in sheer pandemonium!
I kept saying to myself, "It was that trip to the moon Jeff."
Things came to a head when baby number five was found to be on his way and Lucy struggled against impossible odds to cope with the new pregnancy, her little premature baby who was less than six months old and her third son... our little Johnny.
I often think back in hindsight how much Jeff expected of that poor little girl. I still say that he saw the signs of her decline but it wasn't until I arrived in Boston during her sixth month and she had needed to be hospitalised that he was prepared to do anything about John.
Now with Lucy in hospital, Jeff's chagrin grew with regard to his third son. Jeff decided he would make his little boy grow up...the hard way.
"Johnny you're not a baby any more ", Jeff reinforced to him."Leave Mommy alone for a bit. She's tired."
John had looked at his father timidly but had still clung desperately to her.
"Johnny. Mommy doesn't need all this." he warned again.
No result.
"John. You're not to carry on near mommy like that or you'll get a caning from me!" he said forthrightly and meant it.
The caning ended up happening. The nonsense immediately stopped but John was now afraid to ask his mother to hold him close. Lucy did not know about the caning and was surprised at her little boy's quick independence of her. Jeff confided in me that he was afraid he had done the wrong thing despite the problem apparently being solved.
I was never in favour of caning myself but Grant was. Jeff certainly knew about that. I told Jeff if it had made life better for his little girl it was probably the right thing to do under the circumstances. She couldn't have kept on like that.
As you know Lucille Tracy died giving birth to John's baby brother...
John Glenn Tracy did not understand what had happened to his precious mommy in that hospital. He saw everyone crying. There was a new baby next to her at the hospital.The baby came home. Mommy didn't. If you guessed it was a recipe for disaster, you guessed right!
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THE STAR IN THE SKY
Every night after Lucy had died; John would come to Jeff and ask him the same series of questions.
"Daddy, when is mommy coming back?"
To which Jeff gave the same answer.
"Mommy isn't coming back John."
To which John would ask the same question.
"Why not Daddy?"
To which Jeff gave the same answer.
"Mommy died John."
To which John would say.
"I want mommy to come back."
To which Jeff would say.
"So do I John. Run along now"
It finally got the better of me, not Jeff.
"Jeff," I said "You'll have to explain things properly to John."
Jeff shook his head.
"Mother, he is too young to understand. He'll eventually stop asking for her."
I shook my head in disagreement. That little boy was a mighty intelligent three and a half year old and he'd been asking for nearly two weeks and I knew he would continue to ask.
After another week of it even Jeff couldn't take it any longer.
He sat John on his knee and tried to explain what had happened to Lucy as clearly as he could.
I sat opposite him feeding Alan. It was to be the beginning of all of our trouble with little Johnny.
"John. Do you remember when Daddy took mommy to the hospital to get the baby?" Jeff began.
John's blue eyes glanced across the room at Alan.
"Yes Daddy." he replied.
"Well when Mommy had Alan she got sick and the Doctor's couldn't make her better again."
His eyes were still fixed on Alan. Careful Jeff, I thought to myself uneasily.
"So mommy died and went to heaven." Jeff swallowed.
Oh dear! I could see John's jaw suddenly set like his Fathers did when he formed an opinion on something. He had worked out in his little blonde head that Alan had something to do with his mother going away.
"But Daddy, when is mommy coming back from heaven?" he asked innocently.
Jeff then knew he had to continue in the only way he knew how.
"Johnny. Do you remember when Monty died?"
Monty had been Scott's pet hamster who had died the previous summer. He had been nothing more than a rat and a rodent in my eyes but despite all of that he had been a very much loved member of the Tracy family. Scott had adored him. John had too.
John nodded at his Father.
"Do you remember what we did with Monty?"
John nodded again. Jeff put a finger under John's chin, tilting his face up to look at him.
"I need you to tell me John." he said deliberately.
"We put Monty in the box and dug a hole for him under the tree outside. Scotty covered him over after we put him in."
"That's right", Jeff said as he steeled himself. "Now Johnny, do you remember where mommy was the day we said goodbye to her?"
John nodded, his face dropping and his little eyes looking sad.
"Tell me John." Jeff insisted.
"…in that white box Daddy."
"And where did we take that white box?"
His eyes dropped from his Fathers.
"To that big hole."
Jeff tightened his grip on his little three year son.
"That's right Johnny we did and then we came back home without Mommy didn't we?"
His little head nodded stiffly and the tears formed in his eyes. He was starting to understand. Mommy was like Monty and he was never going to see her again.
"Johnny. Has Monty come back?"
He shook his little head.
"No Daddy."
"Johnny, Mommy isn't coming back either. Just like Monty." Jeff said gently, tears in his own eyes.
John started to cry in his Fathers arms but the whole time he cried he looked at his little brother in my arms.
I just knew we were going to have trouble.
Unbeknown to either of us, John later dug Monty up in the garden to see if he was still the same. He wasn't. A three year started imagining what had happened to his mother.
Then the nightmares started. He would awake screaming his little heart out and then sob for hours at a time as he pictured that mommy looked like Monty now did.
After a particularly bad night, I decided that this could not be allowed to continue. John certainly understood what had happened now but he couldn't deal with it in that form of reality. I remembered what Lucy had called this little boy that first day when she had been so disappointed.
Her little star-man.
God why hadn't I thought of that before!
I took the little boy out onto the porch and picked him up. He was only as heavy as Gordon with his fine features and delicate bone structure.
"John. Look up in the sky." I said.
He looked up as I had requested.
"What do you see sweetie?" I asked him.
"Stars Grandma."
"They are more than stars", I said, "Did you know they are the faces of all the people who have gone to heaven? Grandpa is a star up there and so is your mommy."
He looked a little skeptical. He was extremely intelligent and wasn't easily fooled. However, I think he preferred the idea of his mommy being a star instead of like Monty and how he had ended up after being in the ground.
"Which one is mommy?" he asked eagerly, his little face lighting up for the first time in weeks.
"Mommy is the biggest and prettiest star in the sky." I said, pointing at the evening star. "Look John, I think she sees you. She is twinkling at you. Look at how bright she is."
He smiled. He was the first of the three elder Tracy children to smile in four weeks. He looked at the night sky for a long time, his blue eyes scanning the heavens.
"Grandma, why didn't Daddy tell me Mommy is a star?"
"That's because Grandma is the only one that knows." I said feeling suddenly very wise. "Your mommy is the brightest star in the sky and while she's there she will never ever die."
Those words put his little to heart to rest at least. It certainly didn't heal it.
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STAR STRUCK
Little John came to know he had a future with the stars that night and I had started him on the path to it.
Jeff was happy John had settled down and even took him out on the porch himself some nights to look at "mommy". Jeff's love of astronomy resurfaced as he stood there with John. He began to point out the various constellations to his little son. John absorbed the information like a sponge and he loved the time with his Daddy. Jeff allowed him to look at his study books on the subject of astronomy, which had long been packed up in the attic. John, at four years old, carried them about like they were the most precious items in the world.
He would often sit next to me and ask me to read the words in the books to him. I was happy enough to do so. I didn't understand a word of it and I'm sure he didn't either at that stage but he listened attentively to every word. I hated it when he turned the page to the full illustration of the evening star.
"Grandma, read to me about mommy." he would beg and every time I did I had to try to remember what I'd pretended to read last time. He was very intelligent as I said before and I often wonder what he thought of me once he was able to read the proper words himself. There would have been nothing in the book about a beautiful mother with curly chestnut hair, brown eyes and a pretty smile who looked down over the earth at her five little boys. Oh well, my name is Josie and I've told worse lies in my time to keep this family going in the right direction.
The astronomy side of things certainly kept John happy but he still had trouble coping with losing his Mother. Nothing made it more apparent than the night after his Father and I had packed up Lucy's belongings for disposal. Virgil came to me all choked up.
"Grandma, how come Johnny gets to keep some of mommy's things and I can't?" he asked tearfully.
"Johnny isn't allowed to keep anything." I said. "They're all being picked up in the morning."
"He got some things out of the boxes Grandma. Can I do that too?"
Oh dear I thought. What next in this house?
After assuring Virgil that John wasn't supposed to have opened the boxes and no he couldn't have anything out of them, I went in the direction of the room they shared.
As I entered the darkened room, I saw John lying on his side on top of his bed covers with Lucy's favorite pullover snuggled close to his body. He was rocking backwards and forwards as she used to do to him to get him to stop crying. I visualized the depth of this child's loss as I remembered him hugging Lucy when she wore that pullover. The smell of her perfume was in the air.
"Johnny. Grandma said you couldn't keep that." Virgil sniffed. "And you can't have mommy's books either or her perfume. "
He looked at me.
"They're in the dresser Grandma. He put the perfume on the jacket to try to 'member her. I can 'member her after smelling it too."
I rolled my eyes at Virgil who was determined to either get something for himself to keep or make sure that John didn't keep anything.
"Sweetie, come on now. Let's put these things back." I said gently trying to ease the garment from him.
John shook his head and clung to the pullover tighter and put his thumb in his mouth. He was four years old now and as with all Jeff's sons, the stubborn streak was evident. A legacy of his mother who never did anything she didn't want to do.
"John. I'm going to have to get Daddy if you don't let me put that away." I warned. I was hoping he would give it up. I didn't want Jeff to go through any more heartache today. Even the threat of another caning from his father did not deter him. He had his mommy back again in his eyes. He could smell her and feel her in that pullover.
Virgil "kindly" offered to fetch Jeff.
With Jeff now involved, the pullover soon went back in the box and the perfume was poured down the sink. John screamed through the whole thing of course and got the resultant caning from it.
However I hastily took Lucy's books to my room. I would give these to John when he was older.
And for the record Virgil doesn't know I know he took one of Lucy's handkerchiefs out of the box. He keeps it folded inside his pillowcase. It's still there.
John also had tremendous trouble with Alan. You will recall that I had been uneasy the day Jeff had explained to John about Lucy dying. As I suspected John had it in his head that Alan was responsible.
I would often catch John staring accusingly at Alan. Alan, to make matters worse, was quite obsessed with John and followed him everywhere.
"Go away Alan." he would say pushing him to the ground. "I don't love you."
Alan was still too small to understand what John was saying but it worried the hell out of me. These little Tracy boys were all very close as a result of losing their mother and if nothing else they loved each other unconditionally.
I spoke to Jeff about it. He promised to keep an eye on John. Naturally with his work commitments he didn't. The undercurrent was there.
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STARRY EYED
Young Johnny grew up as had his older brothers before him but he still remained totally different to them both. He was tall but much slighter in stature than Scott and Virgil with fine bones, a perfect complexion, a strikingly handsome face and bottomless baby blue eyes.
He was also extremely clever and excelled academically. He studied astronomy with a passion now. He would often speak with Jeff out on the porch about a new star he had found and how far he thought it was from earth.
Jeff enjoyed fifteen-year-old John's company a great deal. He had purchased a very expensive telescope for John and used his influence to obtain privileges for him to view the stars at several of the larger observatories in the United States. It was always a treat for John to visit these places with his Father and it continued to cement his destiny.
"You know Grandma," this child of the stars would say to me as he sat at the kitchen bench drinking yet another glass of milk. "I'm going to write a book on Astronomy before I finish High School."
"That will be nice sweetie." I said only half-listening. "What are you going to call your book?"
He rose from the bench and looked at me as he reached for a piece of chocolate cake.
"Lucy's universe." he replied. "The evening star is going to be on the front cover. I remember she had a book with a similar cover. I remember her saying how important that book was to her. "
I nodded and remembered her books, still hidden in the bottom of my dresser.
I called John to come after me. He hesitated, obviously thinking he was in trouble for something and about to get the Josie "you should know better young man" lecture.
"No sweetie I have something to give you." I said.
The look on that young man's face when I handed the five books to him was priceless. He quickly searched for the book with the star on the cover. It was the third one of the five. He ran his hand over the cover and looked at me and smiled; that brilliant smile of his Father's.
"Grandma I can't believe you kept these" he said almost incredulously. "I thought Dad… well you know..."
The incident at age four must have really traumatized John for him to still remember it.
He kissed me and I hugged him in return. Grandsons are for hugging and I especially enjoyed hugging this one. He may have been the middle child but those books were for him and if they could give him joy now well I was glad.
He opened the cover and saw her name hand-written inside the sleeve.
"Lucille Tracy." To the left of it was a message. He read it aloud to me.
"Merry Christmas Lucy. I wish you were here. Read this and think of me. Love Mum."
The title of the book was "Remember me."
His face dropped as he closed it.
"My other Grandmother gave her this book to remember her." he said quietly.
After a while he added, "You know Grandma; I don't even know what my other grandmother looks like."
I frowned. That was a sore point with me. When Lucy had died, her mother had attended the funeral and gone straight back home to England again. She had not communicated with her grandsons ever since. Jeff often worried that she blamed him for Lucille's passing.
I patted John's arm.
"Well at least you know what I look like. Read the books and think of your mother John."
He smiled again but this time the smile was different. It reminded me of that smile Lucy had given Jeff in the hospital when she had said. "He's our last baby. "You should know that I'd love him no matter what."
John loved his books and John loved his astronomy. He still didn't care much for his youngest brother and that was obvious. I pointed it out to Jeff yet again. He dismissed me totally this time.
"Mother, Scott and Virgil are close. Alan and Gordon are close. John and Gordon are close. I'd have no hours in the day if I worried if Scott was close to John or whether Virgil was close to Alan as well as every other combination between the five of them. They all get on just fine. "
"But Jeff…" I interjected.
"Mom, John takes the blame for just about everything Alan does wrong. I've caned John that many times for things I know aren't his fault, I'm starting to worry he won't make it to adulthood. John admits to doing the wrong thing so he can protect Alan. If he didn't care much for the boy I'm sure he wouldn't do that."
He turned away from me then. I knew what that meant. Subject closed.
I opened my mouth to speak but knew he wasn't going to listen. I walked away muttering discontentedly,
"Jeff you're wrong. I know you are! John's just made himself Alan's whipping boy because he feels guilty about blaming his brother for his mother's death."
What's a whipping boy you ask? How old am I if you don't know that!
On top of that, what do you think is going to happen if you have a blonde, blue-eyed grandson with handsome features, a lovely gentle nature and suddenly teenage hormones take a firm hold on him?
Do you believe me if I say I don't know in John's case but I can have a good guess at it.
Jeff never told me about this but I know most of the details anyway. My second youngest Grandson certainly filled me in on what he knew.
Jeff had been working from home this particular day and I was in the kitchen baking a pie for Dinner when the telephone rang. Jeff had called to me that he would pick it up in his Study and assuming he was expecting a business call I did not show an interest in it.
The next thing I knew he was in the hallway pulling on his coat.
"Going out dear?" I asked as he picked up the car keys from the side table.
His dark blue eyes always gave him away. When they flashed like cold steel, he was angry, when they shone, he was happy, when they moved about dangerously, he was really angry. Let me say this to you. Jeff's eyes were flashing like cold steel and moving about dangerously. Now there's a combination not to be fooled with.
He said nothing and slammed the door behind him. What had happened I wondered? It was rare he reacted to business calls like he just had. He returned some hours later in no mood to talk.
"I'll be in my Study mother." he snapped. "Let me know when the boys all get home."
I shrugged. It was probably just Jeff having one of his black moods. It must have been business and I stayed out of that area.
Some hours later, my third Grandson came home from High School. He was now in his senior year.
"Hey Grandma," he said kissing my cheek. "How was your day?"
I commenced what I thought would be our normal afternoon conversation. I noticed however his eyes looking more than just a bit anxiously towards his Father's study.
"Is Dad home?" he asked.
"Yes why?" I asked.
Before he could answer my two youngest grandsons burst through the door into the kitchen. They said almost in unison.
"Hi Grandma." And "Hey Grandma."
As Gordon opened the refrigerator he and Alan looked at John, looked at each other and then burst into hysterical laughter. John reddened and focused his attention on young Alan.
"It figures you'd think this was funny Alan. That's just what you're like." he fired and stormed out. I frowned at the two of them.
"What's going on then?" I asked.
Gordon looked sideways at Alan who was standing there quite taken back at being singled out by John. However oblivious to John's feelings about him his expression soon changed and the two of them laughed uproariously again. Gordon was in his first year in High School and knew the whole story. The whole school knew. Naturally he had told Alan. I shooed Alan away and pulled Gordon to one side.
"What's going on young man?" I demanded.
"John got caught by the Principal today." he said mischievously.
"Caught? Doing what?"
"He and this girl were supposed to be doing a science project in the library but they were found by the Principal in the gym. Umm Grandma... they were...well...you know..."
Gordon shuffled his feet but I had gotten the general idea. He continued.
"I saw Dad at school later. He was looking pretty mad. Not only did John get caught doing that, he had been smoking … uh something not quite legal. Anyhow John's been suspended Grandma."
My mouth fell to the floor. My dear sweet innocent little Johnny…suspended?
Well it had been the truth and whilst Jeff never said anything to me, I'm sure he had a lot to say to John. Johnny was a mighty quiet young man for quite a few months. Whether that day had been his first experiment with physical matters I'll never know but like Virgil; he had been well and truly caught out. But caught by the Principal? Oh dear!
John finished school and looked to his future. For my part I still can't believe this sweet gentle young man could have been suspended. Smoking illegal substances? They had the wrong person!
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Johnny was determined to work with the stars. It was this ambition that led him to his life path. His College course was selected after much discussion with his father. He selected Laser and Communications Studies at Harvard.
Jeff had worked out that post-study John would be able to be accepted to NASA. John seemed happy enough with his Father's plan and took up his Father's offer to pull strings if he needed him to. How unlike his eldest brother who had balked at the very mention of his father being involved in his career!
John commenced the course and excelled in it. He identified star after star that was new to the universe. He published four books including the planned "Lucille's universe" during his time there.
I was glad this young man was excelling in his own quiet way. He deserved to.
He was also excelling in other ways too I believe.
College life suited John down to the ground. So many girls were drawn to his handsome blonde looks and gentle nature that he was well and truly occupied in the evenings when he wasn't looking at the stars. How do I know? Gordon Tracy can't keep anything a secret that's how! John should have learned by now not to tell him a thing.
John himself didn't give much away when he contacted his father or myself. His calls mainly covered his studies, his readings and his writings. He kept his busy love life to himself. However I decided to ask about it during one of his infrequent visits home. The visit happened to coincide with the mandatory visit for the anniversary of his Mother's death.
"John. You often talk to me about your studies. What about talking to me about yourself?" I asked this very complex young man whose life was the stars.
He looked surprised.
"What about me Grandma?"
"Well. Do you have any lady friends?"
He reddened. "Sure I do Grandma. There is no-one special though. I find it…well… hard...to get close to anyone." he finished with difficulty.
I looked silently at him understanding perfectly. I let him continue as it all unexpectedly tumbled out of him.
"Grandma is there something wrong with me?" he suddenly asked and I sensed the worry and frustration in his voice. "I can't get close to anyone except my family. I can meet girls. I can be charming and funny and friendly and they seem to like me. I can take them out and bring them home. I can enter in physical relationships with them. But Grandma, I can't bring myself to fall in love with any of them or even try...in case... well in case they die."
I immediately felt for that poor young man. Even I had not realized the extent of the emotional damage that had occurred to this middle child when he lost his Mother. It was now affecting his ability to relate. I personally felt I should suggest he get some help but one doesn't say, "you need a shrink young man" to your own Grandson.
"John, losing your Mother was hard for all of you and most of all for you as you were very close to her. I don't know how I can assure you that the likelihood of losing the woman you love is very slight in the overall scheme of things."
"It happened to my Father." John said quietly. "And if God will do it to someone like him, he will do it to anyone. I've been through it once and I never want to go through it again. Dad hasn't gone back a second time either has he?"
This intelligent young man had made a valid point about his Father but I did not want him to go through his life without feeling that special rush in his blood that falling in love would give him. I made a point of telling him how quickly things could change in his life and told him about how his Father had reacted on meeting his mother.
"Your Father was very like you John. He was studious, retiring, and wary of everyone. But the day he met your mother...well he changed. Love does that to a man. Don't give up on yourself. You'll meet that special little girl in years to come."
He nodded although unconvinced. He kissed my forehead.
"You know Grandma, if I do meet someone, I hope she is as wise as you are."
Wise? I thought as I watched him go. Not really. I just looked out for my Grandsons.
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INTERNATIONAL RESCUE
John graduated with first class honors from Harvard and immediately went to work for NASA. As the son of Jeff Tracy all eyes were upon him and despite the fact that he was the quiet middle child of the retired Astronaut, he quickly established himself as a leading Officer in space monitoring. His knowledge of the stars was so comprehensive that he was immediately launched into space to monitor the next attempted landing on Mars.
Jeff's chest swelled to twice its normal size as John spoke about the rush he got going into space for the first time. He was so proud of his son. I simply remembered his mother saying in the hospital.
"You'll go up in the stars like him too one day. I know you will."
The days were long for John in the satellite and without much female company, his opportunity to fall in love as I had hoped wasn't progressing very well.
It never got to progress at all.
Jeff Tracy offered his son the opportunity to monitor the satellite of International Rescue.
John did not want to leave NASA.
It was like Jeff had been slapped in the face when John refused. They fell out badly.
"Where is your sense of family?" Jeff had railed at him.
"Dad. I need a sense of myself." he replied. "I'll never find it if I return home and go back to being just the middle son again."
His Father had hung up on him. John was resolute. He was happy in NASA.
It took his brother Virgil to talk him around.
"We owe Dad." I believe Virgil said.
"I don't owe Dad anything." I believe John said.
"Johnny. Dad has been everything to us since we lost Mom. You know what he's been through. He's now doing this for her. Surely it's the least you could do for him?"
Once John knew it was for his mother, he agreed to consider it. John still believed that no one had ever loved his mother quite like he had, not even his Father. Even with that in mind It took him three weeks to sign up.
He resigned from NASA much to the disappointment of its' high ranking officials. John Glenn Tracy was giving up a very big future amongst its' ranks. His Father had done the same thing.
Now John spends his quiet existence in Thunderbird Five alone. He will never meet that special someone as he drifts silently in space, listening to calls in hundreds of languages as he monitors the earth for International Rescue. John speaks over twenty languages. He is vigilant and committed to his duty.
We see him one month in two as his youngest brother reluctantly takes over his role. The youngest brother he still blames for his mother's death. I often wonder if Jeff knew I was right after all about how Johnny feels about Alan and that is why he made sure they would rarely see each other.
However when he is away from us he misses his Father and his brothers dreadfully and his contribution as the middle son in a family of extreme brilliance and exceptional bravery is sometimes overlooked.
Not by me.
There is many a night that I make it my business to steal into the lounge room of our home and make a late night call to my Grandson John.
"Darling. How are you?" I ask him.
"Grandma. I'm fine," he says to me. "I was just saying good night to my mother."
His blue eyes look at mine over the televideo and we think the same thing.
"Mom is the brightest star in the sky and while she's there she will never ever die."
I love this young man with all my heart.
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I hope I have depicted John in a way that makes him a little less of the enigma he was in the show.
NEXT CHAPTER - THE AQUANAUT
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