Tales of A Grandmother

by mcj

NOT MOVIE-VERSE It's Grandma's birthday and tonight she's leaving no story untold. STORY COMPLETE

14. CHAPTER 7 FIVE GRANDSONS IN DAMGE CONTR...

Author's Note - Thank you to the Tales Readers who have been so positive. As for the others ...oh well. However I write on regardless and am happy to share with you the Tale of the Youngest Tracy son …the brat you all love to hate. Alan Shepard Tracy … Jeff Tracy's wild child. mcj

CHAPTER 7 - FIVE GRANDSONS IN DAMAGE CONTROL - PART FIVE - WORDS FROM THE WILD CHILD

Do you want to know something?

I don't know what my Father would do without me.

That's my honest opinion as I stand in front of him with my back to the wall of the lounge room listening to the lecture. He hasn't taken a breath for the past ten minutes I swear and by the way he's going off at me he doesn't look like he's about to take one in the foreseeable future either.

Yes Dad, I know I'm only here for Grandma's party.

No Dad, I wouldn't rather stay in Thunderbird Five.

Yes Dad, I know the party's been going for almost an hour.

No Dad, I know there's no excuse for being late.

Yes Dad I know you know I was with Tin-Tin.

No Dad, I wasn't doing anything with her that I'll regret later.

Yes Dad, I know I should be more considerate of Grandma's feelings.

No Dad, I wouldn't want to upset Grandma on her birthday.

Yes Dad, I know Grandma helped you raise me from a baby.

No Dad, I'm not taking Grandma for granted.

Gees Dad, go fill up your glass with some of that fabulous scotch of yours and wet your vocal chords with it will you? I get the point OK?

"Are you listening to me Alan?" he demands in his gruff, "I mean what I'm saying to you son" voice.

I look at him and he's frowning at me.

I sigh resolutely and give the usual expected reply.

"Yes I am listening Sir. I'm sorry Sir."

With that, he begins all over again. Again I ask you, what would Dad do without me?

He'd do a pretty darned good job preaching on Sundays that's for sure. Sometimes I think he missed his calling when he became an Astronaut. Why bother being brilliant at flight and engineering when you can use the same brilliance to make wayward young men see the error of their ways!

Dad give it a break for five minutes will you? I'm not really in the mood for this right now.

My eyes idly scan the room as he continues to rave on about the significance of family and how important it is to be close to the ones we love. My eyes come to rest on Miss Tin-Tin Kyrano as he makes that profound and very truthful statement. With her long black hair and her deep brown eyes, beautiful face and fabulous body there's someone I like getting myself close to. As a matter of fact we were in the process of becoming mighty damned close before Gordon went and put a halt to things with his stupid prank in the kitchen.

"I totally agree with you Father." I reply amiably without taking my eyes off her.

Dad looks startled. You can tell he's not used to that reply, especially coming from me.

"Since when do you agree with anything I say Alan?" he frowns suspiciously. His eyes follow mine and he sighs loudly and shakes his head when he sees me looking at Tin-Tin.

She glances nervously in my direction and gives me a fleeting smile but on seeing Dad looking directly at her, she reddens and starts busying herself serving savouries to my brothers.

Dad rivets his attention back to me, totally disgruntled.

The lecture recommences, and this time it's about being responsible in a relationship.

Here we go again.

I know a relationship with a woman takes commitment.

I know a woman isn't simply an object.

I know a woman deserves respect.

I know Tin-Tin isn't just any woman.

"Dad please ...we're just good friends." I interrupt as Tin-Tin looks anywhere but at me.

Somehow by the look I'm getting in return I should be getting a little worried that my Father has a sneaking suspicion of how "good" our friendship is. I don't know how he would know though. The two of us have been very discreet since our friendship moved to a more physical level a few weeks back. Whenever she spends the night with me no-one sees her come to my apartment, we don't make a sound , and she's always back in her own bed before her Father looks in on her in the morning.

Besides my Grandma doesn't suspect anything and let me say right there and now if Grandma doesn't know about Tin-Tin and me, nobody knows. She's always the first one to find about anything going on around here. If Grandma knew Tin-Tin and me were ... well ... intimate ... all hell would have broken loose by now. I would have been dragged off by the ear immediately, lectured that Tracy sons were expected to be gentlemen and then, quite frankly, killed for upsetting the plan.

You see Grandma has a master plan for Tin-Tin and me and expects it will follow the course she's had laid out for the two of us since we met twelve years ago. I'm all for some parts of the plan but I think she wanted me to put a wedding ring on Tin-Tin's finger first. Sorry Grandma … too late I'm afraid... and before you say anything, it was Tin-Tin who instigated things, not me.

Well Dad might or might not suspect something is happening between us but it doesn't stop him going on and on and on about it.

Yes Dad, I know it looks like there's more to it than just friendship.

No Dad I know you're not stupid.

Yes Dad, I remember the talk we had about that.

No Dad you don't have to make it any clearer.

Yes Dad, I know she's Kyrano's daughter.

No Dad I don't intend to treat her like the girls you heard about when I was in College.

Yes Dad, I know she's like a daughter to you too.

No Dad, I'm not taking advantage of her.

Yes Dad, I know Grandma treats her like a grand-daughter.

Yes Dad, I know she'd kill me.

Yes Dad, I know Tin-Tin's sweet and sensitive and easily hurt.

Dad, you've told me more than enough times I have to be responsible for my actions.

I know if anything happens I'll have to answer to you.

I know I'll have to answer to Kyrano too.

Dad enough of the lecture already! I've heard all of this a thousand times before.

"Father." I interrupt. "Can I get you a drink Sir?"

I give him the only thing the two of us have in common to try to convince him to leave off and give me a break for a while. The Tracy smile. It works for Grandma but as usual it doesn't work with him. Dad's seen me give him that smile far too often to be placated.

"I'm not done with you yet son." he replies sternly.

No I'll bet you're not done Dad. Let's face it I've been gone for over two weeks and you've got a lot of catching up to do.

My eyes glance back to Tin-Tin and I can't help but notice those beautiful long eyelashes, those full red lips, that silky hair. Yeah I've got a lot of catching up to do too but that's certainly on the back burner now until this party's done and the lights go out tonight.

You know I'd rather have Grandma give me one of her reality checks than listen to my Father's lectures on responsible behaviour. I'm not kidding you. It's murder being Jeff Tracy's son when he thinks you're doing something wrong.

Dad I know I'm a Tracy son.

Dad I know that means something.

I know Grandpa wouldn't have tolerated this type of thing from you.

I know you'd have been caned from one side of the farm to the other if you'd tried it.

I know he brought you up to be a decent man and you expect nothing less from me.

I know.

I know.

I know.

Speaking of Grandma and her dreaded reality checks she's just herded Gordon into the room in front of her. Gordon is glaring at me and I can tell by the look I'm getting from him that he's copping it too and I might not be his favourite brother right at this particular minute.

Well I'll tell you something Gordie, I'll swap you Dad's never-ending lecture over here for Grandma's forthright reality check over there and raise you fifty bucks into the bargain. Grandma says her piece all right but at least once she's said it, it's over.

Not Dad. This will go on and on and on.

Here he goes again.

No Dad I had nothing to do with what Gordon did just now.

I know it wouldn't surprise you if I did.

Yes Dad it does seem like a co-incidence that you were on your way up to my room and the kitchen caught on fire.

I know it doesn't surprise you that I'd think it was funny.

No Dad, Gordon wasn't covering for me. He doesn't know Tin-Tin and me are an item either. I haven't told anybody, not even him.

I know you don't know where on earth you got me from.

I know you wish I was more responsible like my other brothers.

I know.

I know.

I know.

You mean I can go now?

I flash my Tracy smile in relief. The smile doesn't work again.

Yes Sir, I know you'll be watching me.

No Sir, I won't disappear again.

Yes Sir, I will apologise to Grandma.

No Sir, I know I'd better not leave it too long.

He finally turns away from me and walks to the other side of the room to talk to Scott. After a few minutes of deep and meaningful with Scott the two of them turn to look at me and shake their heads.

Obviously I'm going being watched by "both" my Fathers now.

I sigh in frustration as I walk towards the bar to get myself a drink, not brave enough to even look sideways let alone acknowledge Tin-Tin.

Life is normal again in the Tracy household.

The wild child is home and as usual the wild child is in trouble.

The wild child is what my Father calls me.

I've been in trouble since I was a baby.

And no matter where I go or what I do, nothing around here ever changes.

THE WILD FATHER

I suppose you have already guessed I have a rather big communication problem with my Father and he has one hell of a big problem with me. We've had a problem with each other for as long as I can remember and it hasn't shown any signs of improving despite the fact I'm now twenty-one years old and a man in my own right.

To him I am still a baby ...immature, argumentative, irresponsible and wild.

To me he is still an overbearing single parent ...strict, bossy, intolerant and judgemental.

To Grandma, both of us are a right royal pain in the neck and our constant altercations and clashes of personality have worn thin with her over the years. She can't stand our arguments and always has plenty to say about them when they start.

Don't get me wrong, I love Dad without reservation and despite what he says and how much he growls that he doesn't know where he got me from, I know he loves me too.

Dad raised me from birth with the help of my Grandma and it must have been hard to juggle his multi-billion dollar business and see to me and my brothers all at the one time. It takes a special kind of man to be both a Father and a Mother to a kid and deep down inside I know my Father has tried hard to be one of those men. Grandma says I don't know the half of how hard it was for Dad in the old days and I guess she's right. I don't know the half of it. I don't even know a quarter of it and the reason I don't know is because Dad doesn't talk about it and neither does anybody else.

The subject of the old days is absolute and total taboo in this house and no-one, not even Grandma challenges Dad's rigid stance that the past is the past and it's not to be dredged up, dwelled upon or discussed in his presence.

Nevertheless I've managed to put together my own picture of what the "old days" were like. Most of my "picture" is gleaned from things my Father has said and comments my brothers have made when feeling aggravated at something I've said or done. I seem to aggravate everybody in this house into saying things they regret, even if I don't intend to do so. Grandma says it's my explosive nature and bad temper that upsets "the apple cart". Grandma is always berating me and warning me to keep myself under control.

"If you don't learn to mind that temper of yours young man, not only will you be a carbon copy of your Grandfather, you'll end up lying in an early grave like him too." she flashes at me on an almost daily basis. "Erupting like a volcano every second minute of your waking hours is no way to live a long and healthy life Alan Tracy."

Grandma maintains I am a replica of Grandpa and that's the reason why Dad and I don't get on terribly well. For the life of me I look carefully at Grandpa's photograph in the lounge and I've yet to see the resemblance between us but Grandma says it's there all right and you only have to listen to Dad and me arguing to recognise it.

Grandpa had steely, dangerous dark blue eyes, a wealth of dark wiry looking hair, a tall, lean body and massive shoulders. He was also very weathered and sun-tanned no doubt from hours toiling out in the wheat fields of Kansas day after day, week after week, year after year. I look nothing like that and it all finally got the better of me and I had to point it out to Grandma.

"I don't mean a physical resemblance son." she replied. "Like that Grandfather of yours, you're not happy unless you're arguing the point with your Daddy over the smallest possible details. Grandpa only did it because he liked the sound of his own voice and you're exactly the same."

She held up her hand as I reddened and went to protest. "And before you open that big mouth of yours to say anything … don't. It only serves to strengthen my case. "

She looked at me with a wry smile and as with everything to do with Grandma; I could only stand corrected and smile back.

Well at least I'm not like Grandpa there. He never smiled. There is not one picture I've seen of my Grandpa where he looks happy with his lot in life. Grandma says I'm wrong about that too. Yes Grandpa was strict and direct, she said, but he was also a wonderful man with a love of life and a love of his family. He really found farming life a strain and his stern countenance was simply a thinly veiled attempt to disguise how much he hated the fact it was hard to make ends meet when the seasons were poor or the prices were down.

"That's why we only had your Daddy." Grandma said. "I'll grant you that Grandpa was a thinking man when it came to world populations but the real truth of it Alan is he was also struggling with a farm which was costing him more to run than he was making. One extra mouth was more than enough to cope with and once we had your Daddy to carry on the Tracy name, Grandpa saw to himself to make sure we didn't have any more mouths to feed in that farmhouse."

"Saw to himself."

Dad's favourite line when I was in my teens.

"I don't know why I didn't see to myself when I was supposed to." he used to yell at me in frustration. "If I did I wouldn't be putting up with this at the moment that's for sure."

Yeah it didn't take much to work out what Dad meant even if he only said it in the heat of the moment.

He and Mom had three babies they wanted; Scott, Virgil and Johnny; the three eldest who can do no wrong in Dad's eyes.

Gordon on the other hand was a bit of an accident. Gordon told me Grandma let it slip a few years back that he wasn't on the original agenda as far as the production of the Tracy babies was concerned. Mom and Dad were supposed to call it quits after John but it didn't quite work out that way. Nevertheless Grandma said Dad was delighted when Gordon was born and having Tracy baby number four didn't present too much of a problem to the success of their business plans.

But not so Tracy baby number five, conceived just four months later.

I was an ill-timed, unexpected and unwelcome mistake.

An expensive mistake which cost Dad his wife, brought his business to its knees and forced him to sell his childhood home all within nine months of him making it.

You see, despite my wildness and despite my youth I know everything about the upset and impending financial ruin my conception heaped on my Mom and Dad. I've tidied Dad's study as a punishment far too many times not to see the financial records of Tracy Enterprises during the years before and after I was born. Those records, painstakingly tucked in the bottom of a white cardboard box under Dad's desk don't lie.

Thirty million dollars invested eight months before I was born. I guess Dad didn't know Mom was pregnant when he took that risk. Thirty million dollars frozen seven months before I was born. I gather that was the point when she told him. Bank statements of a highly successful company showing it sliding rapidly into loss because all of its working capital couldn't be touched. A steady record of letters from banks, demands from creditors, hand written budgets, down to the cost of diapers and formula for Gordon, the cost of Mom's hospitalisation in her seventh and eighth months, trying to find the money for a housekeeper ...Dad's struggle to survive in business and provide for his family is there for anyone to see. And what's worse is Dad doesn't realise in amongst all those pieces of paper is a letter he started to write to my mother. The letter says it all.

And I opened it a few years back thinking it was a business letter.

I'd rather not tell you what was in that letter because despite the words and lines that he crossed out ultimately it was about me.

The gist of it I'm afraid is that Dad didn't want another baby and by the way that letter read he had blown his stack and blamed Mom for the fact that he ended up getting one. By the number of times he apologised in the space of twenty lines he must have said a lot of things he wished he hadn't when she told him. I've often wondered where Dad got his obsession for insisting me and my brothers protect ourselves around women and I guess that's where it all began.

Anyway as if the reality of that letter wasn't enough, it was followed by the pain of finding the account for mom's funeral further down in the box. Mom was buried on March 18, six days after I was born. It appeared to have been a very simple funeral from the account. Nothing elaborate. No extras. I guessed Dad couldn't afford them because the receipt shows the account was paid for by Grandma. A later transaction in the box showed Dad paid her back after he sold Grandpa's farm. Copies of the Title deeds to the farm are in the box too.

Like the letter he started to write to my Mother, the Title deeds are smudged in places as if something had been spilled on them.

I didn't need to guess what that something was.

I guess my Dad was hurting real bad back then.

WILD ARRIVAL

A five year old boy with his big blue eyes open wide sat enthralled by the vision of a man who once was the favourite son of America.

"Alan Shepard was one of the seven mercury astronauts. He was a pioneer in space who rode a Redstone rocket bigger than your Daddy's all the way to the moon. He even hit golf balls about when he was up there. Can you imagine someone doing that then?"

The silence was followed by an incredulous shake of the head, a tousling of my hair and a captivated smile from me in return.

"Alan Shepard was the man who inspired Daddy to become an Astronaut all those years ago Alan. He was a legend in his own right and a very famous American."

Such were the words of my Grandmother as I sat on her lap in front of the fire on a cold and rainy March night in Boston waiting patiently for my Father to come home. Beside us, curled up on the couch wearing his pyjamas and slippers was Gordon. He had fallen asleep almost an hour ago after begging Grandma not to send him to bed. Dad had been away on business for the past six days. Even though we loved Grandma we had both missed him very much and wanted to be awake when he came home from New York.

Grandma had lit the fire earlier in the evening to give herself something else to do besides feel uneasy. She had expected Dad well and truly before supper and it was now past ten o'clock and he still wasn't home. He hadn't called to say he'd be late either.

Grandma hides how she feels very well, especially when she's worried about something. Outwardly she was acting like her usual self, telling stories and inspiring imagination. As I sat with my blonde head resting against her she wrapped her loving arms around me and adjusted the blanket she'd placed over me to keep me warm. Little did I know that inwardly she was churning up with worry. I had no idea of the inner dread she was feeling as she told me about Astronaut Colonel Alan Shepard, the man after whom I was named.

"Daddy must have loved you very much to name you after someone so important to him mustn't he?" she continued as she smoothed my curly hair back into place.

"Yes ma'am." I replied happily, suddenly feeling very important at having such an honour bestowed on me. At five years old and with four older brothers it didn't take much to make me feel that way. Naturally she never added that Dad had named all of my brothers after one of the mercury astronauts but it wouldn't have mattered to me if she did. According to Grandma, Alan Shepard was the Astronaut Dad admired the most and I was most important to him.

"Daddy liked Alan Shepard's forthright manner and the way he took control of a situation." she continued. "He must be expecting you'll be like that too when you grow up."

I smiled at her again. "I will be like that ma'am." I said enthusiastically.

She smiled herself and kissed the top of my head.

"Oh course you will my little man." she said lovingly. "If you're anything like your Daddy you most certainly will."

However despite Grandma's wonderful stories which never ceased to stir up my imagination and the warmth and security of her arms I wanted only one thing right now.

The strong arms of my Father.

"Grandma." I began looking up at her with tired eyes. "Will Daddy be home soon?"

I was too young to recognise the worry on her face or realise I'd asked her the same question every fifteen minutes for the past four hours.

"Yes Alan. Daddy will be home soon." she assured me patiently as she kissed the top of my head again. "He has to come home soon." she added. "Someone special I know is having a birthday tomorrow and Daddy wouldn't miss that for anything."

The very mention of the word "birthday" instantly took away my tiredness and made me stop thinking about Dad. I loved birthdays and only three weeks ago we had celebrated Gordon's seventh birthday. The fun we'd had at his party was still very fresh in my mind and as a result I was looking forward to my own birthday party immensely.

"I'll be six hey Grandma?" I said holding up all the digits on one hand and then one finger on the other. "I'll have to use two hands tomorrow."

Grandma glanced at the clock and then at me. "Yes sweetie. You sure will." she smiled. "Time's gone by so fast around here. It only seems like yesterday that you were a little newborn baby in my arms."

Her smile faded and her grip on me tightened.

After a short silence she added in a sad and distant voice. "Tiny and bruised and crying for your momma."

She seemed to go into a world of her own then before she sighed and said.

"Six years and he's still working himself into the ground so he doesn't have to face it."

I looked at Grandma.

"Face what?" I asked her curiously.

She started at my question, not realising I was listening. She quickly gave me an unconvincing smile.

"Nothing sweetie." she said nervously. "Grandma's just rambling on to herself again."

She glanced at the clock again.

"My goodness look how late it is." she commented carefully looking first at me and then at the lump under the blanket that was Gordon. "Come on now. I know you want to see your Daddy but I think it's about time you and your brother were tucked up tight in bed."

I shook my head obstinately. I wanted my Father and I was prepared to wait up all night if I had to just to see him walk through that door. He was my hero and nothing made me happier than to know he was home and in his room down the hall. He spent so much time away.

When he was home and didn't have telephone calls to make or paperwork to do after supper, he would always make the time to pick me up in his arms, throw me backwards over his head and up onto his shoulders. He then proceeded to carry me into bed before returning to do the same thing to Gordon.

Admittedly those nights were rare because he always had telephone calls to make or paperwork to do but Gordon and me looked forward to them all the same. Both of us had hoped it might happen tonight after him being away for so long but by the look of things it was going to be Grandma putting us to bed again.

When Dad put us to bed, it wasn't like when Grandma did it. Grandma was a perfectionist. She nagged us to brush our teeth, inspected them carefully, sent us to the bathroom, made us say our prayers, kissed us both and tucked us up tight in bed. She would then turn out the light so we wouldn't be distracted and scurry away to attend to some other disaster that was happening or do the household chores.

Not Dad. He'd ask if we'd both brushed our teeth, warn us not to wet the bed and ruffle our hair. Ruffling our hair was his way of saying he loved us. He would then turn on the night light and sit on the end of one of our beds reading a contract until we both went to sleep. He considered that as spending time with us. But each and every time he did I noticed he would glance up at me at least once and a look of dreadful sadness would come over his face. Sometimes he would just stare at me, his sightless eyes somewhere distant. Once I even thought I saw a tear run down one of his cheeks as I began to close my eyes. I knew that couldn't be right. My Father was big and brave and strong. He told Gordon and me many times "Tracy men know how to handle themselves. They get on with things and they definitely don't cry about anything."

Dad lived that advice every single day himself and expected us to do it too. All of us tried to live up to his expectations but it was kind of hard sometimes when you were only five years old and you really hurt yourself and needed to cry.

The minutes ticked by and not even thoughts of a party could stop my eyelids from drooping now. It was nearly eleven o'clock.

Grandma was clearly becoming alarmed. I saw her glance in the direction of the telephone.

"You still up Grandma?" came a half broken voice from behind us.

It was fourteen-year old Scott on his way into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He rubbed his eyes, yawned and came to stand beside the fire. His dark blue eyes immediately looked directly at Grandma's.

"Isn't Dad home yet?" he asked.

Grandma shook her head and tried to sound calm. "No sweetie ... it looks like he's been delayed tonight."

Scott eyes shifted uncomfortably from Grandma to the fire and back to Grandma. Little did I know my big brother possessed a real and deep-seated fear of our Dad dying on him and leaving him completely alone.

"Has Dad called you ma'am?" he asked bending down to stoke up the coals.

"Err... no he hasn't yet Scott ..." Grandma replied.

"Grandma … Dad always calls." he pointed out anxiously.

"Well ... maybe he just lost track of the time." Grandma offered trying to sound up-beat. "Don't worry sweetie. I'm sure he's all right."

Scott shook his head.

"No ma'am, Dad never loses track of anything. If he's going to be late, he calls." he said emphatically and with an apprehensive tone in his voice. "Can I …"

"No Scott." she interrupted firmly as if reading his mind. "I don't want you calling his cell phone. Let things be. This is a difficult time of year for your Father and you and I both know he needs to be left alone."

I couldn't help but notice Scott glanced at me as she said that.

"Yes ma'am." he replied carefully. "I understand."

There was a worried silence and in the silence and lulled by the rain on the roof I found myself snuggling closer to Grandma and closing my eyes. Scott and Grandma continued to converse but their voices became nothing but inaudible mumblings as I nodded off into slumber. Every now and then though I was drawn back into consciousness at the mention of my name.

"No Alan's far too young to understand yet." I heard Grandma say. "Your Father will tell him what happened to your mother when the time is right."

Despite me falling deeper and deeper into slumber I sensed Scott beside me as he bent his tall, gangly frame to kiss Grandma goodnight.

"Your Daddy will be OK Scott." I heard Grandma reassure him again. "Don't you be worrying about him .You go upstairs and get your rest."

"If you say so ma'am. Good night then." I heard Scott say dubiously from what seemed a very long way off.

There was silence again and nothing but the sweet humming of Grandma's lullaby filled the room. I never heard Dad's car pull into the drive but my eyes half-opened when the front door opened.

"Daddy?" I called in a small, sleepy voice but I was too far gone to wake properly.

"Yes Alan. Daddy's home. "Grandma soothed rocking me in her arms. "Go back to sleep now sweetheart."

The clock showed nearly midnight as my Father walked wearily through the door carrying fifty red roses in his hand.

My eyes fluttered open only long enough to see him put down the roses and his brief case, take off his wet jacket and come to stand beside the fire.

His very presence in the room was normally enough to waken a five year old who worshipped him and in a way it sort of did … but my eyes … my eyes were too heavy to stay open and look at him. All I heard were bits and pieces of his conversation with Grandma.

"You're late son."

"I know."

"You should have called me."

"I know. I'm sorry momma."

"I've been worried sick about you."

"I'm OK."

"I didn't even know if you'd made it back from New York in one piece."

"I flew in a few hours back."

"So where have you been until now?"

"Driving around Boston."

"Doing what may I ask?"

"Thinking about things."

"Things? What things?"

"My life."

"Your life? What sort of crazy answer is that?"

"A truthful one ma'am."

"You should have been here with your babies where you belong Jeff. Lord knows you're away from them far too much as it is."

"I know I am."

"These two little ones have been waiting up for you all night."

"I can see that ma'am."

"Your eldest one has been up worrying about you too."

"I'm sorry. I'll look in on him on my way up to bed."

"I don't want you to go to bed yet Jeff. We need to talk."

"No Mom. Not tonight."

"Jeff I said we need to talk."

"Excuse me mom. I said I don't want to talk. "

"Jeff stop avoiding the subject."

"I'm not."

"Jeff ... you are and I'm telling you that you can't go on like this. You're getting worse instead of better."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine."

"Son … listen to me … you're not fine."

"Stop giving me hassle mother. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Jeff …"

"Look I just hate the twelfth of March that's all and this is the way I need to deal with it."

"Driving around in the middle of the night unable to come home to your children is no way to deal with anything Jeff."

"Driving around in the middle of the night at least helps me cope."

"Cope? You've got to be kidding me. Son it's nearly midnight. You look like hell. You're tired and hungry and soaked to the skin. Don't tell me you're coping with anything."

"Mom I am."

Silence.

"I'm here now aren't I?"

"All right so you're here now. Is that supposed to make me worry less about you? You might be home but what kind emotional mess are you in at the moment after all this driving around and thinking about life?"

"I told you I'm fine."

"Is that so? Well if you are you won't have any problem looking me in the face and telling me you're dealing with the fact that it's been six years since you lost that little girl of yours."

"Mom I don't want to talk about Lucy."

"Well you're not fine then are you? You never talk about her or your feelings. Not to me… not to your boys... not to anyone."

"Lucy's dead. How I feel about that is private. There's nothing to talk about."

"Jeff please…"

Dad's voice took on a whole new tone. He started to sound angry at Grandma.

"What exactly do you want me to say to you momma? That I miss Lucy? That I can't face my children without thinking about her? That I work myself into the ground twenty hours a day trying to forget her? Is me saying all that to you gonna make you feel any better?"

Grandma started to sound angry at him.

"Jeff don't speak to me like that. That's not what I meant."

Grandma's tone seemed to settle him down. I heard him heave a huge sigh.

"Mom, tonight I made myself think long and hard about things for the first time since Lucy died. I thought about how much I'm away and how little time I have for my boys. They used to be the centre of my life when Lucy was alive. Now look at me. For God's sake I only realised an hour ago I hadn't gotten little Alan anything for his birthday and even then it wasn't until after I'd driven a hundred damned miles to find some decent flowers to put on Lucy's grave."

There was silence.

"Not that the stupid flowers matter anyway. She sure as hell isn't gonna notice them is she?"

More silence.

"What's the point of all this Mom? My children don't see me. They don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just someone who comes home every now and then barking instructions to keep them on the right track. I hardly even sleep in the same house at the moment. I'm committed to two months in Asia in the Fall and I won't get to see any of them for all that time. So you tell me… what's the difference to them if I'm in their life or out of it?"

"There's every difference Jeff. Those little boys adore you. Don't you dare start saying stupid things like that."

A sob of suppressed emotion pushed through my Father's lips.

"Don't look at me like that mother. I'm not going off the edge again if that's what you're thinking."

"I'm not thinking anything Jeff."

Silence.

"Just give me some space Mom. I'll be OK about things in a couple of days."

"I've always given you space Jeff. You're the one not giving yourself the space. Surely I shouldn't have to remind you that your children need you."

"I know they need me Mom."

Silence.

"I'm just feeling sorry for myself I suppose."

"Well that's all well and good but don't you think after six years of it it's time you let go of Lucy so you can move on in your life?"

Silence.

"Sweetheart I know how much you loved her but what the two of you had is over now. Move forward for your own sake. You need to stop grieving and start living again. "

The voice of anguish…

"I've tried moving forward but I just can't do it. Every time I try, all I can think of is what Lucy went through for me in that delivery room."

Silence.

.

A whisper…

"I'll never be able to forget that. "

Silence.

"Momma, I'm just so lonely without her."

Then the words I will remember forever.

"Why couldn't I have just died with her?"

A little five year old boy named after Alan Shepard kept his blue eyes tightly closed and pretended to be asleep when those dreadful words were uttered.

The same little five year boy named after Alan Shepard lay motionless as his Daddy carried him into bed and turned off the light.

A little five year boy was about to turn six years of age.

It was going to be the birthday he would never forget.

WILD NOTIONS

Now I guess it sounds like my Father was one hell of a mixed up man back then. I don't know that for sure but things certainly pointed in that direction. I suppose it was a dreadful life for a man who had only just turned forty.

No wife.

Five young kids and a business to run.

No social life.

No love life.

Just work and more work every single day of the year.

Every day that is, except for the twelfth of March. Dad never worked on the twelfth of March no matter what.

Birthdays were the one day of the year when each of us got to feel important in a household full of children clamouring for their Father's attention. On your birthday you counted. On your birthday Dad paid you special attention.

It was like that for all of my brothers but it was never like that for me. I was special to Dad on my birthday all right but it was for all the wrong reasons. My birthday was always indelibly scarred with guilt and sadness as Dad recollected my dramatic entry into the world and the devastation he felt as his perfect world crashed around him and my mother died in his arms.

And this birthday was to be no exception…

The morning of my sixth birthday dawned and like the night before it, it was cold, wet and windy. As a result of our late night waiting up for Dad, neither Gordon nor I stirred when the rest of the household woke up and it was well after nine when our bedroom door was opened and I was gently shaken awake. I opened my eyes in the semi-darkened room, made worse by the miserable weather, to see the formidable figure of my "other Dad" looming over me.

I guess I should explain about my "other Dad" before I go on any further. My other Dad is my eldest brother Scott. In a lot of ways he's been more like a Father to me than Dad has over the years. Scott taught me how to play ball, helped me with my homework, gave me advice and discreetly removed me from Grandma's sight whenever he knew she'd reached the end of her tether with me. He's eight years and eleven months older than me but I respect him almost as much as I respect my Dad.

The trouble is, the older he's getting, the more like Dad he's becoming. I don't just mean in looks either. You should see him when Dad leaves him in charge of the base. He literally becomes Dad overnight and you know what I think about Dad sometimes. You guessed it; strict, bossy, intolerant and judgemental. I guess Scott's not judgemental like Dad is but he sure as hell is bossy.

And bossy he was on the morning of my birthday as he stood by my bed urging me to get up.

"Hey Alan; its morning." he said quietly giving me another shake.

He sat down on the bed beside me as I blinked and focussed my eyes. Scott knew what I was like in the mornings and always took things very carefully until he knew I was fully awake. I'm not a morning person and I wasn't even back then, a fact that everyone in the Tracy household knows from experience. Even Tin-Tin tells me straight out I'm nothing but a grouch until I have my morning coffee and of course Grandma gets in on the act and says for the umpteenth time that I'm just like Grandpa. He was a grouch in the mornings too.

Anyway all similarities to Grandpa aside, once Scott thought I was awake he smiled and said.

"Happy birthday baby brother."

With that he leaned over and wrapped his arms around me, which immediately caused me to screw up my face in protest and squirm about uncomfortably.

"Don't Scott! I'm not a baby!" I objected. "I'm six now."

Scott released me and simply looked sad.

"I know." he said.

Normally if you challenged Scott he'd tell you to go blow it out of your ass and ignore you until you apologised, but even Scott wasn't acting like himself this morning.

He stood back up and pulled back my bedcovers.

"Come on. Up you get." he said trying to sound cheerful and then walked to the bed on the other side of the room. Tufts of ginger hair poking out from underneath the covers indicated Gordon was still asleep too. He reefed Gordon's covers back in one massive sweep.

"You too squirt." he added. "Come on, on the double."

Gordon instantly started complaining.

"I'm tired Scott!" he moaned, screwing himself up into a ball and starting to shiver.

"Well you should go to bed when you're supposed to Gordie." he said in a firm voice as he opened our closet. "If you did you wouldn't be tired would you?"

"I was waiting up to see Daddy." Gordon said defensively.

"You didn't wait up for very long." Scott replied dryly. "You were asleep on the couch when I saw you."

He began to pull our good clothes out of the closet and place them on the dresser.

"Alan where are your school shoes?" he asked, rooting around vainly in the bottom of the closet and finding everything but what he was looking for, including an apple core he didn't appreciate.

"My shoes are where they always are." I replied without moving.

Scott sighed. "And where's that?"

"Under my bed." I said. "Why?"

"Because you need to put them on now that's why."

"It's not a school day." I whined. "I don't wanna wear 'em."

"You'll wear 'em if I tell you to Alan." he threatened. "Don't argue."

Scott bossing me around finally got the better of Gordon.

"Why's he gotta wear 'em?" he challenged.

"Because I said he does and so do you." Scott flashed.

Scott's look of complete aggravation stopped both of us arguing immediately. Neither of us were brave enough to confront Scott when he meant business.

"Look, Dad told me to make sure you little guys look respectable this morning. So do me a favour and put your good clothes on huh? I don't want to get myself into trouble today. "

The two of us stood up obediently and started to take off our pyjamas as Scott successfully located my shoes.

"Where's yours Gordie? "he asked looking about.

"I dunno." Gordon shrugged. "Somewhere."

"How do you guys find anything in here?" Scott asked in frustration as he pulled out the myriad of socks, toys and books from underneath Gordon's bed.

"Easy!" Gordon exclaimed.

Scott rolled his eyes at him. "Well if it's so easy YOU find your shoes then."

He came back over to me as Gordon disappeared under his covers for a few minutes and rummaged around before emerging triumphantly with his shoes.

"See? "he said. "Here they are!"

"Just hurry up and put 'em on." Scott directed. "Here Alan, I'll button that for you."

"I can do it!" I stressed as I struggled with the top button on my good shirt.

"Yeah well, I can do it faster." Scott said as he fastened it securely and then quickly moved down the shirt doing up the rest.

"Why are we putting on our good clothes anyway?" Gordon asked. "Daddy doesn't let us wear 'em if we haven't eaten our breakfast."

Trust Gordon to be awake less than five minutes and already thinking about his stomach. Scott didn't answer him. He kept looking towards the door with a worried look on his face.

"Where's your raincoats?" he demanded. "You're gonna need 'em."

"Why?" I began, ready to argue yet again.

"The rain's real heavy outside that's why. Can't you hear it?"

I looked out the window at the pouring rain which seemed to settling in for the day.

"I don't got a raincoat." I replied. "I lost it."

"I don't HAVE a raincoat." Scott corrected.

"Yes you do." I argued. "It's hanging in the hall next to Daddy's."

"Alan, don't be a smart ass." Scott snapped again.

"Hey!" I retorted. "You're supposed to be nice to me today. It's my birthday."

Scott shook his head and began to comb my hair.

"I AM being nice to you Alan but if you don't hurry yourself up and find your raincoat Dad won't be."

I sat on my bed pulling on my socks and looking up excitedly at my big brother.

"Is Daddy takin' us out for my birthday?" I asked with interest.

"Daddy didn't take ME out." Gordon pouted trying to jam his foot into his shoe without untying the laces. "That's not fair."

"Gordie that's no way to put on your shoes." Scott berated him before looking at me. "… and no Alan, Dad's not taking you out for your birthday."

"Well what are we wearing our good clothes for?" I asked.

Suddenly the voice boomed from the bottom of the stairs. It was Dad. Scott startled and looked anxiously over his shoulder.

"We're almost done up here Sir." he called back. "We'll only be another few minutes."

The voice snapped back that he didn't have all day.

"Daddy sounds mad." I observed, automatically picking up the pace I was putting on my shoes.

"Dad's not mad. ' Scott replied bending down to tie up my laces. He's always like this today."

"Like what?" I enquired.

"Like nothin'. Just hurry up will you. Dad wants to leave."

I fixed my blue eyes on my big brother. I noticed he was wearing his best clothes too right from his immaculately pressed shirt to his carefully polished black shoes.

I was starting to get more worried by the minute. Dad was sounding like a bear with a sore head and Scott was acting really strange.

"Where're we going Scott?" I asked.

I truly believe if Scott could have wished for anything at that particular moment he would have wished that someone other than him was expected to explain what was going on or rather was about to go on.

"You're coming with us to the cemetery this year." he said uncomfortably. "…to see Mom."

Now remember at this point Gordon and myself had never been to a cemetery before and had only found out the summer before that we even used to have a mother. The two of us looked at each other and our eyes grew wide with excitement.

"Wow!" exclaimed Gordon a huge grin stealing over his face. "That'll be awesome."

By the look on Scott's face I wasn't so sure awesome was the word he was expecting. He bit his lip and looked at the two of us.

"Hey little guys ... this isn't supposed to be fun OK? Going to Mom's grave is serious."

The very tone in his voice should have been enough to give us the warning. The tone in Dad's voice was enough to sound the alarm bells.

"Scott!" he bellowed. "NOW!"

The three of us scurried down the stairs in response to his military voice of command. Dad stood near the doorway with his expensive trench coat over his arm, dressed like he was going to meet the President. Beside him stood Virgil carrying the beautiful flowers Dad had brought in the night before.

"About time." he muttered in annoyance as we walked into the foyer and said good morning to our Father.

Dad frowned and looked in the direction of the dining room.

"John!" he barked. "In here on the double."

There was no answer. All we could hear was Grandma.

"Sweetie stop all this nonsense now. You won't be there very long."

And John.

"I don't wanna go to that awful place again Grandma. I hate seeing where Mommy is."

"Darling, even your little brothers are going with Daddy this year. Come on …please … for Grandma."

I looked in the direction of the dining room too and then back to look at Dad. Dad's face told me he wasn't in the mood for nonsense from any of us.

"JOHN! MOVE IT!" he called again.

With still no sign of John Dad's displeasure was growing fast.

He opened the front door and handed Scott the keys to the car.

"Go and organise the rest of your brothers for me please." he said.

Scott's eyes flickered nervously. "Please Dad ... I'll get Johnny to come for you."

"You don't have to. Johnny's right here." came the flat voice of Grandma as she led John firmly by the arm in the direction of the door. John looked at Dad with tear filled eyes.

"Go and get in the car with your brothers John." Dad directed a little less severely and with a pat on John's back.

John reluctantly came out to join us on the porch as Scott donned his raincoat and ran to open the car. The rain was really heavy now.

"Jeff." Grandma suggested delicately. "Why don't you go a little later dear? The children will catch their death out there in all this rain."

"The children have coats. They'll be fine." he replied grimly.

I went to open my mouth and tell Dad I didn't have a coat but I knew if I did I'd get a dressing down for not looking after my things. I stupidly said nothing, not even when Grandma called me back as everyone else dashed for the car.

"Happy birthday little one." she whispered and hugged me. "When Daddy brings you back later on, Grandma's got some really nice surprises for you all right?"

I nodded with excitement. With all the rush to get ready to go I'd forgotten all about my birthday.

"Thank you Grandma." I replied happily.

Suddenly Dad blasted the horn.

"Well you'd better hurry along then." she said. "Quickly now. Daddy's waiting."

I ran down the drive towards the car and before long the six of us were headed out of Boston to a picturesque place thirty miles to the south; the cemetery where my Mother had been buried.

Looking back I don't know what the worst part of that first experience was for me. All of it was pretty horrendous. We drove the thirty miles in total silence. We had to get gas for the car and Dad forgot his credit card. We arrived at the cemetery to find the gates were shut. The caretaker didn't want to come out in the rain and open the gate. Johnny wouldn't get out of the car and a major altercation with Dad followed.

Then Virgil dropped Mom's flowers.

The look on Virgil's face was heartbreaking as Dad looked at the beautiful roses now lying in the mud and then at Virgil.

"I'm really sorry Dad." he apologised as the tears welled in his eyes. "They slipped out of my hand Sir."

Dad bent down and silently picked up the flowers. He walked over to a tap nearby. Turning on the water he proceeded to rinse them until every trace of mud was gone. Some of the petals fell off. He shook his head at Virgil who cringed to almost half his height. I saw Scott put a steadying arm around him.

We then walked beside him to Mom's grave which was on the top of a grassy hill overlooking the river. The river was grey and swollen and had a kind of low-lying mist hanging over it. It was the most miserable, quiet and horrible place I had ever been to.

The experience of watching Dad crouch down and lay the flowers there and then lower his head in devastation was dreadful. Luckily I thought the tears that poured down his face were simply droplets of incessant rain. Worse still was watching Scott look everywhere but at Dad, Virgil crying with his head down about dropping the flowers and Johnny sobbing at having to be there in the first place. Gordon and I stood next to each other holding each other's hands, looking at our Mother's headstone and not knowing what else to do.

"There's my name." Gordon whispered in awe. "And there's yours."

And then the worst thing of all happened. The heavens opened and enough rain to float the ark poured down on the graveyard. Dad looked around at the five of us and much to my horror realised I wasn't wearing my raincoat.

"Alan!" he barked so loudly I nearly jumped out of my skin with fright. "Where the hell is your coat?"

"Umm..." I began nervously as the rain soaked me from head to toe. "I lost it Daddy."

"What in the blazes do you mean you lost it?" he yelled.

I fixed my frightened blue eyes on my Father.

"I just did Daddy." I trembled squeezing Gordon's hand harder. "I didn't mean to."

"For God's sake can't you boys take care of anything?" he shouted as he reefed off his coat exposing his expensive suit to the elements.

"Here." he barked thrusting the coat in my direction. "Put this on before you completely drown. "

I took the coat from Dad and Scott came forward and helped me into it. The brand new coat draped on the ground. The rain poured down harder and before thirty seconds had elapsed, Dad was completely saturated. His hair hung limply; water dripped off his chin and his clothes literally stuck to his body.

However despite everything he stood there dogmatically for nearly an hour and forced himself and us to pay proper respects to our Mother.

Afterwards we drove the thirty miles home and everyone in the car sat in silence again. We all knew Dad was unhappy about Virgil dropping the flowers, furious about me losing my raincoat, and madder still at having his good suit ruined and the bottom of his brand new coat caked in mud.

I still remember Grandma's face as Dad walked through the front door completely soaked to the skin and wearing a face of thunder.

"Oh dear!" she exclaimed looking him up and down. "What in the hell happened to you?"

Dad flung his muddied coat down on the chair in the entry hall, shook his head and kept walking.

"I'll be in the shower momma." he snapped. "Pour me a double scotch will you and for God's sake keep that blasted kid the hell out of my sight until I cool down."

"I'll need to take that suit to the cleaners." Grandma called after him but all she got for her trouble was a slamming of his bedroom door.

She sighed and immediately turned to Scott.

"All right which one of them upset your Father this time?" she demanded.

Before Scott could answer Virgil burst into tears, closely followed by Johnny and last of all me.

"It was me Grandma" Virgil blubbered. "I ruined Mom's flowers when I dropped them in the mud. I didn't mean to. They slipped out of my hands cos the plastic was wet."

"It wasn't that. It's cos I wouldn't get out of the car and Daddy had to make me." John sobbed.

And then me.

"I done it Grandma." I sniffled fixing my blue eyes on Grandma's. "I losted my raincoat and Daddy got wet cos he had to give me his."

Grandma shook her head at all of us. She looked back to Scott.

"You all right son?" she asked.

Scott lowered his head and said in a small quiet voice. "Yes ma'am."

"Good boy." she said patting his arm softly and then sent him to the cupboard in the hall to find some dry towels. As Scott handed them out Grandma went into damage control.

"Listen to Grandma Virgil." she said as she towelled his chestnut hair and wiped the tears from his cheeks. "Mud can be washed off anything even flowers. Did Dad do that?"

"Yes ma'am." Virgil sniffed. "But …"

Grandma's hand tilted his chin to hers. "No buts son. If Dad could rinse them off you didn't ruin them. Don't you be crying about things that don't matter. It's hard enough going out there as it is. "

And then she turned to John.

"Come here sweetheart and let's get that wet shirt off." she said gently. John looked up at her and continued to cry as she removed the dripping wet shirt and equally wet undershirt. I still see his thin body shivering in front of her before she offered him the towel.

"Daddy knows how much you miss your momma John." she soothed pulling him into her arms. "I'm sure he's not really angry with you."

John nodded only half convinced and Grandma gave Scott the job of taking him upstairs to find a dry shirt and try to calm him down.

Finally it was my turn.

"Losing your raincoat was a pretty senseless thing to do then wasn't it?" she began as she wrapped me in the towel.

I nodded my head.

"Yes ma'am." I replied.

"Your coat was brand new Alan." she continued. "And you know Daddy expects you to take care of your things."

My head moved up and down again.

"Yes ma'am."

"Guess Daddy was pretty mad at you huh?" she grimaced.

"Yes he was. Real real mad."

She ran her hand through my wet curls.

"Oh dear. Well I guess he's got every right to be."

She gave me a tender smile and held out her hand.

"Never mind. Let's get you upstairs and I'll run you a hot bath. You can stay in there while Daddy has his drink and settles down. Then we'll go and say sorry about the coat all right?"

I reached forward and took her outstretched hand.

"Can I have a bath too Grandma?" Gordon piped up from the doorway. Grandma's attention now focussed on my red-haired brother who for once wasn't the centre of attention. He was soaking wet too and hadn't uttered a sound.

"I didn't tell Daddy that my raincoat didn't work too good." he said. "He was mad enough already."

Grandma automatically extended her other hand.

"Come on then sweetie." she smiled. "Not saying anything to Daddy about your coat was using very good sense young man."

"That's cos I was worried." Gordon admitted as we climbed the stairs with Grandma. "Daddy sure acted funny when he got to that graveyard place."

I saw Grandma open her mouth to speak but she immediately shut it again. After running water and finding dry clothes she left the two of us in the bathroom with a strong warning not to move until the coast was clear. A few minutes later we saw her pass by the bathroom again carrying a glass of scotch in her hand. Obviously she was on her way to Dad's room.

"You're sure gonna get it from Daddy later." Gordon observed. "Remember when I lost my watch last month? I got it real bad."

I swallowed and tried not to feel sick. I clearly remembered the blast Gordon got at the Dinner table when Dad noticed his brand new watch was missing. I also remembered Gordon crying on his bed after being punished in Dad's room for not being responsible for his things.

"Don't worry Alan." he said trying to reassure me. "It doesn't hurt for long."

I'm sure Gordon thought he was making me feel better about what we both knew was coming but I hated to tell him it wasn't working.

The hours passed by and Dad remained in his room. Grandma frowned and watched the clock. The afternoon began to turn into evening. It was becoming obvious he didn't intend to come down.

Grandma eventually gave up waiting for him and busied herself in the kitchen and the dining room. Every now and then she called Scott to help her. By suppertime she had everything ready.

When we were called to the dining room my eyes lit up with delight. The room was brightly decorated with red, green and yellow balloons in bunches of six. Six long red foil streamers hung from the ceiling. A huge birthday cake frosted in red, green and yellow and baked in the shape of a clown was in the centre of the table. Six red candles were in the centre. Around it were hats and whistles. Small treats lay on plates. Six individually wrapped presents were placed on my chair.

"Wow!" I exclaimed with my eyes open wide. "Thank you Grandma. Can I open the presents please?"

Grandma's eyes glanced in the direction of the stairs. She heaved a long heavy sigh before she said.

"I guess so little one. It looks like Daddy's …busy."

"Open mine first." Gordon cried in excitement. "We can play with it then."

"Settle down squirt." Scott warned him as he thrust the box into my arms. "You've already had your birthday."

Gordon's face was momentarily woeful until I opened the box to reveal a new model plane.

I threw my arms around my favourite brother.

"Thank you Gordie." I exclaimed. "It's the best thing ever!"

By and by I opened the gifts, one from each of my four brothers and one from Grandma. The sixth gift lay on the chair.

It was from my Father.

I looked at the box and then at Grandma.

"May I go upstairs and open it with Daddy Grandma?" I asked.

Grandma looked dubious and quickly suggested it would be a better idea if we had the party first. She was obviously thinking about how Dad was going to punish the loss of the raincoat.

"Once you've had your cake and played some games with your brothers Grandma will take you up to Daddy." she said.

That seemed to make sense and I was really looking forward to the games and blowing out the candles on my cake.

Grandma placed Scott in charge of the games but they weren't much fun to start with. Virgil didn't want to play and neither did Johnny.

"You gotta play!" I insisted looking up at both of them in disappointment. "I always play on your birthday."

Johnny shook his head.

"No." he quavered turning away. "I don't want to Alan."

I hated it when John got in one of his moods. I didn't understand why.

I folded my arms and frowned.

"Johnny, can you please stop being such a pain and just play." Scott sighed. "You too Virg." he added in a disgruntled voice.

"It's all right for you." Virgil snapped back. "You're not in trouble with Dad."

"Neither are you." Scott replied. "If you were you'd be upstairs in his room by now."

That appeased Virgil and he agreed to play but nothing Scott said could persuade John. He sat himself down on the couch and watched in silence.

Then Grandma called us back to the table for supper and the birthday cake.

After a cheery rendition of "Happy birthday to you" the birthday cake was carefully sliced and handed out. Like all of Grandma's cakes it was sweet, rich and delicious.

"We'd better cut a piece for Daddy." I reminded her in between licking my fingers and taking another bite.

Grandma told me she would do that later when she took his supper upstairs but somehow I got the feeling she didn't think he'd be too keen on a chocolate fudge cake thickly covered with bright red, green and yellow frosting.

When the party was over Grandma got back to business in the kitchen. Before long she emerged again, this time carrying a tray with Dad's supper on it. I noted with satisfaction she had cut an extra large piece of my birthday cake for him and placed it on the tray.

"Well come on then." she said looking at me. "Put those new toys of yours down for five minutes and we'll go upstairs and take Daddy his supper."

I immediately remembered the unopened present and ran into the dining room to get it.

"Now Alan let Grandma do all the talking." she warned as we walked down the hall towards Dad's room. "You haven't forgotten about losing your raincoat have you?"

I swallowed. With all the fun I had been having at the party combined with the excitement of the presents I had forgotten. Gordon's words in the bathroom immediately sprang back into my mind.

"It doesn't hurt for long."

I started to wish I was anywhere else but next to Grandma.

Grandma knocked on the door of Dad's room and when Dad didn't open it she asked me to open it for her.

"Jeff?" she called as we walked inside. "I've brought you your supper dear."

Dad was sitting in the darkness out on his balcony looking out into the miserable night. He didn't move.

"No thank you mother." he said in a low, over-controlled voice. "I'm not hungry tonight."

Grandma shook her head and told him she was leaving the tray on the desk anyway. She looked down at me and took my hand before leading me out onto the balcony.

"I've also got a young man here who wants to tell you how mighty sorry he is about losing his brand new raincoat."

"Go on then." she said motioning me forward to stand in front of my Father. "Say what you're supposed to."

Dad eyed me silently and with no emotion on his face.

"Daddy." I said looking at him timidly and with genuine remorse. "I'm real sorry about my raincoat. Honest."

Dad didn't reply for a while but when he did it what he said came as no surprise.

"Raincoats cost money Alan, just like everything else. I work hard to give you and your brothers the things you need and I expect you to take care of them."

I nodded my head.

"I know Daddy."

"And you didn't, did you?"

"No Daddy." I replied in a tiny voice.

Then he asked Grandma to leave. Tears began to well in my eyes. I knew what was coming next.

So did Grandma.

"Jeff. It's the little one's birthday." she said, trying to intervene on my behalf. "Surely it's not necessary …"

"It doesn't matter what day of the year it is." Dad interrupted. "He needs to learn the basics of responsibility."

Grandma paused for a minute and gave me her "well I tried son" look before exiting the room.

That left me all alone in front of my Father clutching the unopened birthday present in my hands.

Dad held out his hand and I nervously handed over the present.

"I see you haven't opened this yet." he observed.

This time I shook my head. "Not yet Daddy."

He sat in silence turning the box over and over in his hands as if determining its fate. After a while he seemed to make a decision. He looked me firmly in the eyes.

"I'm not going to allow you to open this Alan." he said. "You can come with me to the store in the morning and exchange what's in here for a new raincoat."

My face really dropped then.

"Maybe that might teach you to take better care of your things next time son." he said sternly.

I lowered my head. I would rather have had ten canings than give back my birthday present.

"Yes Daddy." I replied trying not to cry.

I waited for the next part of the punishment but nothing happened. Dad simply looked at me in silence. After a while he reached out his hand and ran it gently through my blonde hair. He paused as my curls rippled through his fingers. His eyes filled with tears. Obviously they offered a resistance he had experienced one too many times before.

"So like your momma's." was all he said in voice that reeked with pain.

I didn't speak. Dad had never mentioned my Mother in front of me before.

After a few minutes he ran his hand down the side of my face and tilted my chin to look at him.

I looked at him with frightened blue eyes not knowing what was coming next.

"Go back downstairs to Grandma son." was all he said. "Daddy needs to be by himself tonight."

I nodded my head and turned to leave the room.

"Daddy ..." I said as I stood near the door.

"Yes Alan?" he choked.

"Will you come to my birthday party next year if I promise to do nothin' wrong?"

He lowered his head when I asked him that.

"Of course Daddy will come next year." he finally said. "I promise."

I left Dad's room feeling happy about his promise to me but still feeling a sadness I didn't understand. Unfortunately that sadness was about to get worse.

My sixth birthday didn't end with me escaping the inevitable caning in my Father's bedroom. It ended an hour later with me lying in my bed crying, feeling a pain far worse than any caning of Dad's could ever inflict. It was a pain I lived with in silence for the next fourteen years of my life and one that could have been avoided if only Johnny hadn't opened his heart to Gordon.

You see there was a reason for Johnny's behaviour towards me at my party. He saw only one thing when he looked at me. A baby brother who had come home from the hospital instead of the mother he loved more than anything.

Johnny had suffered those feelings of unhappiness since Mom died and on my sixth birthday he decided he couldn't keep them to himself anymore. He let them all out to Gordon, telling him something he had believed for the past six years.

I was responsible for my Mother's death.

Naturally Gordon took great delight in immediately relaying the information. We might have been close as brothers but we still enjoyed aggravating each other every chance we got.

"You know what?" Gordon asked as the two of us pulled on our pyjamas.

"What?" I asked.

"Johnny says you killed mommy you know."

I stopped buttoning up my shirt and looked at him dumbfounded.

"What do you mean?" I quavered.

"He says it's your fault we don't have our mommy any more." he said watching me intently to see how I would react. "He said Daddy took Mommy away to get you and she never came back."

I stood in silence trying to absorb what he was saying.

Gordon soon realised he had made a very big mistake saying anything.

I had been accused of lots of things up until then; things from being difficult and stubborn, to having no regard for anything or anybody. But let me tell you being blamed for killing the woman who meant everything to my Father and my brothers was the worst accusation of all. It totally shattered me.

I still remember how I felt inside as I vehemently denied it and tried not to cry. I also remember Grandma rushing through the door in absolute dismay, hugging me tightly and telling me what Gordon had just said was completely untrue.

Today had all been too much for me. First the awful experience at the cemetery, then Dad taking away my birthday present, a big dose of tiredness from hardly any sleep the night before and now this. It was the last straw. Tracy sons didn't cry but I couldn't hold myself together any longer. I looked at my Grandma and then at Gordon. My lips started to tremble violently and I burst into a flood of tears. I buried my head in her shoulder and sobbed my heart out.

"I didn't do it Grandma." I muffled into her dress. "I didn't."

Grandma rounded on Gordon.

"What do you think you're doing talking all that damned nonsense! "she admonished him. "I got a mind to take you over my knee right this minute saying something dreadful like that to your poor little brother."

Gordon's eyes filled with tears. He hadn't understood the magnitude of his words but Grandma was certainly making him understand the magnitude of them now.

"I didn't mean to make Alan cry Grandma." he swallowed. "But that's what Johnny said to me."

"Well you didn't have to go big noting yourself and repeating it to Alan." she snapped. "If your Daddy was up to it at the moment I'd haul you into his room right here and now to explain yourself."

I think Grandma was more upset than I was at that point and as for Gordon; all he could do now was cry too. Both of us were accustomed to Dad being cross but when Grandma lost her temper we knew we were really in trouble.

She glared at Gordon.

"You go and get that brother or yours right this minute and tell him I want to see him in his room." she demanded. "That young man's head needs some serious sorting out if he believes something like that about his baby brother."

As Gordon went to find John, Grandma squeezed me protectively and stroked my hair. She knew the truth about what happened to Mom would have to come out one day but she had always hoped Dad would be the one to tell me.

Now she had been put in the dreadful position of having to explain things to me herself. She lowered her voice and held me close to her.

"Don't cry sweetie. You believe Grandma when she says Johnny's got it all wrong. What happened to your momma wasn't your fault. "she soothed. "Your momma died because the Doctor's carin' for her weren't mindful, weren't vigilant and didn't realise you needed help comin' into the world. By the time they did it was too late."

At six years of age, I didn't understand a word of what Grandma said but in my own mind things had started to make sense. Everyone gave me strange looks and whispered whenever my mother was mentioned. Dad locked himself away from me every year on my birthday. It had to be because I was to blame for it all. Lucille Tracy, the mother I never knew, died because of me.

Despite Grandma's reassurance and John's half-hearted apology later in the evening I burdened myself with a dreadful guilt from that day forward.

It took a very emotional discussion with my Dad only last month to finally convince myself that I was wrong.

WILD ANTICS

Before I continue, I think now is the appropriate time to tell you a bit about my friend Tin-Tin Kyrano. As you already know the two of us are more than friends these days but despite the physical side to our relationship we also have something else in common. It's something that will never change no matter whoever or whatever comes along. You see Tin-Tin and I have a deep and special friendship and OK I'll finally let down my guard and admit it ... I absolutely adore her.

Tin-Tin Kyrano came to live in our home twelve years ago when I was nine years old.

I always remember it and let me tell you so does Grandma.

We had just moved to New York and it was Grandma's sixty-third birthday. Dad made his first mistake early in the day with an announcement to Grandma that it was about time he allowed her retire so that she could do a little of what other Grandma's did before she was too old to do it. Grandma immediately got all hot under the collar and demanded to know exactly what other Grandmas did that she didn't know about or she was missing out on. Dad suggested she might like to have the time to go out with people her own age. Dad said she needed to start enjoying herself a little more instead of staying home all the time looking after us.

"After all Mom." he very stupidly pointed out. "You aren't getting any younger you know."

Saying that really got Grandma going.

"I'm not about to fall off my perch Jeff Tracy and even if I was how do you know I don't happen to like staying home and caring for my Grandsons?" she flashed.

Dad had no comeback for that one but it was far too late even if he did. Then he made his second mistake… telling her that a Mr. Kyrano had already accepted his generous invitation to move from Paris to New York to live in our huge brand new home in Manhattan. His job was going to be keeping an eye on Dad's diary and managing the domestic affairs. Ruffled as she was Grandma knew there was absolutely nothing she could say or do about it.

I won't elaborate on the atomic explosion Dad's strategy caused but believe me when I tell you Mr. Kyrano wasn't Grandma's favourite person for quite a long time after that. And as far as Gordon and I were concerned, neither was his ten year old daughter Tin-Tin.

At ten and nine respectively the two of us really hated girls. We were very discontented when Dad lined us up in his room and instructed us we were to act like gentlemen around Tin-Tin Kyrano and make her feel at home.

"I mean it boys." he warned. "You be nice to Tin-Tin or else."

When the two of us shuffled our feet around and frowned he decided to change his approach.

"Oh come on boys. It will be nice having a little girl around the house. It will be sort of like having a sister after all these years."

The two of us looked at each other. Was he kidding?

And so it was we were reluctantly introduced to Tinarda Jane Kyrano, a small thin little girl with long black plaits and big brown eyes. She eyed the two of us warily. It was obvious she didn't like the idea any more than we did.

The first two weeks she didn't even leave her room except to eat and use the bathroom. No matter what we did to try to be friendly she refused to have anything to do with us. Dad soon dropped the "sisterly" approach and hauled us back up into his room. He told us point blank we weren't trying hard enough and warned if Mr. Kyrano left because Tin-Tin was unhappy we would certainly know about it right in the seat of our pants.

"Do I make myself clear?" he said in his "you'd better not argue with me" voice.

Both of us hung our heads and kicked at the carpeting.

"Yes Sir." we replied in a disgruntled unison.

"Now the two of you go downstairs and make an effort please." he directed. "NOW …"

It took a practical joke, not an effort to break the ice. It was an innocent little prank involving Tin-Tin's doll but it certainly had the desired effect

It began when I decided to take the law into my own hands to get Tin-Tin to talk to us. We were in big trouble with Dad anyway so what was a little bit more? I jumped off my bed and scampered down the Hall towards her room.

I peered around the corner to see if the coast was clear. Sure enough she was in the bathroom. She sure spent a lot of time in the bathroom back then; actually she still does if you want to know the honest truth about it.

Anyway, moving as quickly as I could, I slid into her room and grabbed her most precious possession from her bed. I tore back down the hall in one hell of a hurry and quickly hid the doll in the back of our closet. Gordon saw the whole thing and was panic stricken.

"If she tells Dad you took her things we're dead." he said in a worried voice. "I get enough canings these days as it is without getting one for that too."

"She won't tell." I said brazenly. "She don't talk to no-one."

Luckily for both of us I was right. It took three days for her to muster the courage but she finally forced herself to knock on the door of our bedroom and in a very tiny and terrified voice asked me if I'd seen her doll.

I looked her up and down and pushed my curls out of my eyes.

"Yeah." I replied in a tough voice. "I saw it all right."

After a few more minutes she squeaked.

"Do you know where she is at the moment?"

"Yep." I said.

Her face lit up but I didn't move. This stuck-up little ten year old was going to have to ask me for it and I wasn't giving it back until she did.

"Where?" she asked.

"Where you can't find her." I replied.

"Please Alan." she pleaded looking at me with her beautiful brown eyes. "Please may I have her back?"

I don't know what exactly Tin-Tin Kyrano did to me at that precise moment but whatever the hell it was that girl reached out, grabbed my heart and made it her own in the space of ten seconds.

I've been hopelessly smitten with her ever since.

So what would one day end up as a very deep, very intimate relationship between a man and a woman began. I don't know whether fate had a hand in it or not but as the days and months passed by I became inexplicably drawn to Tin-Tin Kyrano and we developed an exceptionally close and special friendship.

We played together. We confided in each other.

And we argued.

Constantly.

The two of us would bicker over the most menial of things. Tin-Tin would cry. I would sulk. Both of us would refuse to speak to each other for days.

"You two carry on like you're married sometimes." Grandma scolded one afternoon during one such argument. "I swear I've never seen two youngsters so intent on arguing the point just for the sake of it in my whole entire life."

My twelve year old face reddened as my older brothers burst into laughter and started to tease me. The thought of Tin-Tin and me ever getting married was unsavoury and undesirable to say the least and I made no secret of how I felt about it either.

"There's no way anyone in their right mind would get married at all let alone marry you. "I said candidly.

"Well I wouldn't be stupid enough to get myself in a position where I had to marry you in the first place!" she flashed in return.

"Will you two stop that!" Grandma demanded preparing to leave the room in disgust. "If you can't speak civilly to each other, don't say anything."

"Suits me." I snapped folding my arms and glaring at her.

"Spoilt brat." she muttered as she folded her arms too.

Grandma rolled her eyes and left. She couldn't take it any longer. But not me. If Tin-Tin wanted an argument I was more than ready to give it to her.

"SPOILT? ME?" I protested getting ready to explode. "You're the one who's the spoilt brat Tin-Tin."

"Oh really? Who was the one who sulked about getting a C on his Math test until his Grandma felt sorry for him and gave him the first AND LARGEST piece of pie?"

"I wasn't sulking."

"Yes you were. You were acting like a complete brat over a test you didn't study for in the first place. You always do if you don't get what you want."

"That's because I never get anything around here. It's always got to be you first and I'm sick of it."

"I should get things first." she replied with her nose in the air. "I'm a woman."

I looked at her. Back then I possessed the trump card to each and every argument I had with thirteen year old Tin-Tin Kyrano.

"I know you're a woman." I smirked. "And if you're not careful I'll tell absolutely everyone I know why you are one too."

It was Tin-Tin's turn to explode then. She was very aware what I knew about her recent leap forward into womanhood and was terrified I'd say something to my brothers about it. Tears welled in her eyes as I gave her my usual smug look indicating I'd won the argument again.

"I hate you." she spat storming towards the door. "One day all this is going to happen to you Alan and I swear you're going to know about it every step of the way."

"Tin-Tin I don't think what's happened to you is ever gonna to happen to me somehow!" I laughed. "I'm a boy remember?"

"You're a child that's what you are!" she shot back.

"A child that knows a very big secret about you!" I grinned. "Remember that!"

The argument ended up with Tin-Tin leaving the room in a huff and slamming the door. She really wasn't coping with the transition to puberty at all and at twelve years of age and still in a child's body, I loved every single minute of it.

Well Tin-Tin Kyrano might have been having trouble relating to being a woman but I didn't foresee any trouble in dealing with the issues of becoming a man.

Boy was I ever wrong about that…

My move forward into manhood began with the "talk" and I have to say the day I received instruction from my Father about the "birds and the bees" was one hell of a day in my life and one hell of a day in my Father's life too. Dad was a man in total crisis that night.

Talking to us about impending manhood really bothered Dad. When I was younger I often heard Virgil and Scott having a good old laugh about the content of "Dad's talk" and the fact that it happened to every Tracy son without fail on his thirteenth birthday.

The two of them howled with hilarity on John's thirteenth birthday as our blonde-haired brother was hauled up into Dad's room for his inevitable instruction about life. At the time I remember Virgil turning around to look at Gordon who was not quite eleven.

"You'll be next squirt." he laughed in his deep and manly voice. "Believe me you'd better start preparing yourself now."

"And then it's gonna be you." he added giving me a wink. "You'd better start getting ready too."

"Poor Dad." Scott chuckled. "He hasn't even got a year in between Gordon and Alan to recover."

Those two were terrible. They waited around half the night for Johnny to be dismissed by Dad and when he came down the stairs looking like he'd been through a near death experience they surrounded him like the military police and demanded to know all the details.

"Well?" Scott asked with a massive grin on his face.

"Well what?" John frowned.

"Did he sit you in the chair opposite his bed?"

"Yeah."

"Did he pace around the room for ten minutes not saying anything?"

"Yeah."

"Did he clear his throat over and over?"

"Yeah"

"Did he sit down and look at his hands?"

"Yeah."

"Did he give you the demonstration?"

John reddened.

"Yeah."

Virgil burst out laughing.

"So did you learn anything Johnny?

John nodded his head.

"Yeah. Dad's sure hell bent on me protecting myself."

So as you can imagine Gordon and myself had a pretty good idea of what to expect when we reached the magical number of thirteen. But unfortunately for Gordon his thirteenth birthday came and went and the eagerly anticipated event failed to occur. As the days rolled by into March he began to complain he had been forgotten.

"Maybe Dad simply can't face doing that demonstration again." Scott speculated with a grin.

"I know I sure couldn't face seeing it again." John shuddered.

"Gee Gords I'd start worrying if I was you." Virgil winked. "You might never get to find out how it's done."

"I already know how it's done for your information." Gordon replied dryly and then a mischievous look stole over his face. "But I sure do hope Dad tries to tell me."

But Dad had a special reason for failing to fulfil his Fatherly duties on Gordon's thirteenth birthday. Unbeknown to both of us the delay was very deliberate. Dad was waiting for me to turn twelve so he could deliver his "talk about life" for one last time... to both of us.

The talk happened quite unexpectedly. One night after supper Dad instructed the two of us to remain behind at the table and said he wanted to have a word with us. His voice was gruff as it usually was when we were in trouble over something and I immediately assumed we were about to blasted for the practical joke we'd played on Grandma earlier in the evening.

You can imagine my wide-eyed delight as Dad divulged he intended to educate me in physical matters nearly twelve months earlier than I expected.

Grandma had obviously been warned it was coming because instead of settling in with Dad for their customary "after supper cognac", she rose from the table looking everywhere but at us.

Gordon knew immediately what was about to happen and whilst I think he was a bit annoyed I got to be included, he grinned at Dad with excitement.

Personally I don't think Dad will ever recover from that hour of "hell" as he tried to explain the facts of life to Gordon and to me. I've never seen anyone so worked up about anything and I began to wonder how any of us even made it into the world in the first place if he was so uptight about the subject.

The pattern of the lecture was exactly how Scott and Virgil said it was going to be. First there was the silence, then the clearing of the throat, the clinical lecture about sex, and finally as he reached into his jacket pocket; the dreaded "demonstration."

"It's imperative you protect yourself no matter what the girl says." he stated forcefully, as he showed us the example. "I simply won't tolerate either of you coming to me and saying you've gotten yourself into trouble when you can use this to stay out of it."

Gordon burst into laughter and winked at me.

"Boy Alan you and me are sure gonna have to grow a lot in the next few years if we're gonna fit into that." he joked.

"Why do they make 'em so big Dad?" I grinned playing along with Gordon.

Poor Dad. He truly believed he hadn't been specific enough about what actually happened to a man and listening to him trying to explain it was darned hilarious. The two of us shook with laughter as Dad gave us a rather graphic explanation of things from a man's perspective and followed it up with a very detailed demonstration on how to protect ourselves when the time came.

Then came the matter of how girls changed into women. Tin-Tin immediately became the subject of the conversation. Dad was really out of his depth then. He didn't want to talk about Tin-Tin and desperately tried everything he could to avoid it. However I was determined to hear it all and asked him so many questions he ended up having to broach the subject. He almost needed resuscitation when I told him I knew all about Tin-Tin's cycles and had known about them from the first day they had begun. As I said Dad was a man in complete crisis that night and the two of us should have been ashamed of ourselves for what we put him through.

However Grandma wasn't too happy I knew about Tin-Tin. She looked me straight in the eye and pointed out what had happened to her wasn't to be taken lightly and I certainly wasn't to tease her about it.

"It's going to be a mighty important thing to this family one day. "she said "You just mark my words."

Enter Grandma's plan for Tin-Tin and me. She would see us married if it killed her.

Part A of the plan had been successfully launched. Tin-Tin was well on her way to womanhood.

But when Part B of the plan finally commenced, I think Grandma wondered what in hell went wrong. I was moving towards manhood all right... but not quite in the straight and narrow way she had expected.

Fifteen is a complicated age and more so because my worst fears had become a reality. I was having a very difficult time coping with becoming a man and my "friend" Tin-Tin was finally getting her revenge. She was now a very self-assured teenager who was most comfortable with her body and how it worked. I on the other hand had a voice that didn't stay the same for more than two sentences and hadn't done for nearly twelve months plus the terrible misfortune of not being able to keep "things" under control anywhere let alone when Tin-Tin or anything remotely female came near me.

Oh she loved that. She would see me redden, know what was happening and laugh like crazy.

She was relentless in her teasing and our arguments increased. It was a nightmare. I couldn't even argue properly. My voice would start off deep but the moment my temper started to hot up, so would my voice. It crackled and squeaked and I always ended making a complete fool of myself. And let's face it you simply can't win an argument when the person you're arguing with is standing there laughing herself senseless at you.

To make things even more difficult, my sixteen year old brother had simply changed from a boy to a man with absolute, competent ease. Gordon's voice suddenly went deep one day and that was the end of it. He even shocked Dad with how easy it was for him. And as for the rest of it … well Gordon must have had a lot more control over himself than I did that's all I'll say.

And the final blow … Gordon had managed to put Dad's "talk about life" into practice and wouldn't stop bragging about it. I frowned and listened to him with discontent. My brother and I have always been extremely competitive and this was no exception. If he was a man, I was going to be a man. I was only fifteen, a full year younger than he was but I knew I was capable. Boy was I ever capable.

Now I swear Grandma is telepathic. I truly believe she sensed my plans to experiment with girls from the moment they were formulated in my head. All of a sudden whenever I said I was going off somewhere with Tin-Tin she made very sure someone else was going too. She nearly had a nervous breakdown one night when I asked Tin-Tin if she wanted to come upstairs and listen to some music in my room.

"Err…I believe I'd like to hear that too." she interceded much to our complete surprise. "Bring the disc downstairs to the lounge room Alan."

You can imagine Dad through all of this can't you? One minute he was sitting in his armchair reading his newspaper and enjoying a bit of peace and quiet, the next minute Grandma was sitting in the middle of Tin-Tin and me on the couch, tapping her feet and listening to rock music.

"Mom." he said shaking his head at her. "I'm really starting to get worried about you."

But the reason for Grandma's eccentric behaviour was very real to her even if none of us understood what the heck was going on. She had developed a transient fear I was going to experiment with Tin-Tin and there was absolutely no way she was risking that. That would only serve to upset "the plan".

She needn't have worried. Tin-Tin Kyrano and I were just friends back then or at least we were between the arguments.

But I was still determined to experience what Gordon called "the ultimate".

Well it was "the ultimate" all right if getting caught in the Science Lab with the Principal's daughter and being suspended from school is anything for a guy to brag about. Despite all the plans I had for the experience of a lifetime it sure didn't turn out that way. One minute I was winking at Amy Maxwell across the cafeteria, the next minute we were locked together in the science lab storeroom next to Mr. Bentley's Bunsen burners. The minute after that we were discovered by Mr. Bentley and the rest of the experience is history. I was in the Principal's Office, Dad had been sent for and I was wishing I was dead.

When Dad came through the door I knew I didn't have to wish for it. The look on his face told me I was going to be dead the minute he got his hands on me.

I have to hand it to Dad. He certainly handled the situation with Mr. Maxwell with great aplomb and almost as if he'd had to do it all before.

Yes, he understood how serious the whole situation was.

No, he didn't condone that type of behaviour.

Yes, he did set a decent example for me at home.

No, he was sure it hadn't been his daughter's fault.

Yes, he did understand I was under age.

Yes, he understood the he would have to suspend me to set an example to the other students.

Yes, he would be discussing this with me further.

No, it certainly wouldn't be happening again.

So when a very humiliated Dad rose to his feet to leave and demanded in a low and angry voice for me to go and get my things I knew I was "dead man walking."

I may as well have suffered capital punishment that day. What happened was nearly as bad. Not only did I get it big time from Dad all the way home in the car but I got it ever bigger from Grandma when I finally got there.

When Grandma found out why Dad had been called up to the High School Grandma saw red. She tore down the Hall to my room like a tornado and blasted her way inside.

It was bad enough I'd had to sit in the car with Dad for nearly two hours being read the riot act but now Hurricane Josie was on the scene.

For the first ten minutes all she did was yell at me. After that she grabbed me by the arm and yelled at me some more.

"You are only fifteen young man! Fifteen years old. You're still a boy. At fifteen your Daddy was still climbing trees and throwing stones in the river. He wasn't even thinkin' about girls. Look at you then. Climbing all over young women not even old enough to know what you're doing let alone take the consequences for it. You tell me somethin' young man. You want to be a Daddy before you're sixteen?"

I shook my head. As I said before it didn't bother me overly much when Dad blasted me but when Grandma got in on the act, I knew I was really in trouble.

"No ma'am." I replied with my head down.

"And what about the girl you just left with your calling card? You want to be married to her son?"

"No ma'am." I swallowed.

"Well you mark my words you will be marrying her if the timin' for what you just did in that science lab was wrong."

She placed both hands on her hips and leaned forward to glare into my face.

"And let me tell you right here and right now if that happens Alan Tracy you're gonna be one mighty sorry young man around your Grandmother."

With that she stormed out of the room almost as forcefully as she had stormed in. I was upsetting "the plan" with my actions and there was no way she was tolerating that.

Speaking of the plan, I got very little sympathy from Tin-Tin. She and Gordon did nothing but grin at me over dinner to the point I was getting ready to have a piece of the two of them. But I was in so much trouble with Dad and Grandma I wasn't brave enough to have a piece of anyone. Dad simply glared at me. Grandma glared too.

Finally the two of them left the table to sit outside and talk. I could imagine what the subject was.

Me.

Gordon and Tin-Tin watched them go. Tin-Tin burst into laughter. Gordon shook his head.

"You dumb-ass." he said. "What'd you go and do it in the science lab for? You should know Mr. Bentley goes in there every recess."

"Now why the hell would I know that?" I retorted. "I don't hang out in classrooms during recess."

"I dunno you were hanging out pretty darn well today!" he grinned.

Tin-Tin really started laughing then.

"Yeah well you just remember I was much younger than you were when you did it for the first time." I flashed.

"Yeah and you're much more suspended too." he replied completely unimpressed. "Boy Alan, you are in so much trouble with Grandma. I've never seen her as mad at you as she is right now."

"I know she is." I snapped. "You think I'm stupid or something?"

Tin-Tin looked me straight in the eye.

"Anyone who gets caught in the science lab doing what you were doing has to be stupid."

My temper reared.

"Oh really?" I flashed.

"Yes really." she flashed back.

We eyed each other across the table in distaste.

"Yeah well you'd better be a good boy for the rest of your life little brother that's all I'll say." Gordon said rising from the table and looking in the direction of the porch. "Grandma is still going off about you out there and both of us know you never mess with Grandma."

Words of wisdom I think I should have heeded more closely.

Eventually Grandma and Dad got over the "Science Lab incident" as they both referred to it. Their recovery was aided by the fact that I kept well away from girls now and even to the point of ignoring Tin-Tin. Actually if you really want the honest truth Tin-Tin was ignoring me.

I don't know why. All I'd done is make a stray comment I didn't even mean and she took it completely the wrong way. When she said her first time wasn't going to be anything like mine all I said was

"Don't you worry. It won't be!"

Now what's wrong with that I ask you? Maybe I shouldn't have winked at her when I said it. I dunno. Who can figure out women?

Anyway whether Tin-Tin was ignoring me or not I was on the straight and narrow again with girls and Dad and Grandma relaxed.

They really shouldn't have done that I suppose.

I had discovered a new vice.

Alcohol.

Dad's favourite punishment was to make me tidy his study. He knew I hated it. Rolling plan after plan after plan or sorting through three hundred contracts was like a Chinese water torture to me and nothing could get me to behave myself faster than the threat of having to do that.

That's the background for what happened so I would like to say that all of this was Dad's fault, not mine.

Dad should never have punished me that day in the first place. He had absolutely no proof that I had been smoking despite the evidence to the contrary. I know I smelt like I had been and I know the packet was in my jacket pocket but that didn't mean it I was doing it did it? I told you he was judgemental.

"Smoking is bad for your health and a waste of money." he thundered throwing the cigarettes into the trash. "I've told your brothers and I know I've told you haven't I?"

I nodded my head and shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"Yes Sir." I muttered.

"So since you feel the need to defy me Alan, yet again, I can feel the need to have my study tidied up."

The next thing I knew Dad was headed for Atlanta and Grandma had been given her instructions. I was to stay in the study until all the plans were sorted and all the contracts were put away in date order.

I grimaced when I walked through the door. The Company was booming at the moment and Dad was very busy. Tidying all this up was going to take me hours.

Now Dad should never have left a full bottle of bourbon on the shelf in front of me should he? I was sixteen… unhappy with how he was treating me … bored as anything and … well … one drink led to another. I thought I could handle it and the alcohol in my blood certainly made doing the job of rolling and sorting much less monotonous. I don't remember much after the fifth one except for one thing and that was Grandma nearly ripping my ear off when she found me and realised what I was doing.

I must have passed out after that because the next thing I recall is waking up the next morning feeling so sick I thought I was going to die. All I could taste was bourbon and let me say it doesn't taste half as good coming up and it does going down.

I got absolutely no sympathy from Grandma. She was livid and I received yet another tongue-lashing from her about my wild child ways. This time she brought my mother into it saying that she would be appalled at the things I was doing.

"First the women, now the drink. You're a youngster out of control Alan Tracy." Grandma reprimanded me. "There'll be no more drinkin' as far as you're concerned you hear me? Not now. Not ever!"

The way I felt at that particular moment I agreed with her. If this was how alcohol made you feel I was never drinking it again.

Naturally when Dad came home she told him what I'd been up to and before I knew it I was standing with my back to the wall in his room being balled out again.

"I don't know where I got you from Alan!" he shrieked. "Why the hell I didn't take your Grandmother's advice and see to myself when I should have I'll never know!"

Naturally my little effort landed me back in the study again, this time sorting through every contract Dad had ever signed.

Twelve thousand six hundred and forty seven contracts to be exact. It took up three full days of my vacation.

They were three days I didn't want to give up either.

I had another passion now.

Fast Cars.

Since Scott had finished College and entered the Air Force he had saved his own money and brought himself a brand new car. This of course meant he would be getting rid of "Sadie."

Sadie was Scott's first car, an old Ferrari Dad had brought from a business associate when Scott was in High School. Despite our massive wealth the five of us didn't get it easy you know. Dad said Scott only needed a second hand car for College and Sadie would do him just fine. Naturally Scott souped up the engine and made Sadie one pretty hot item. He'd loved the car so much he'd kept it when he entered the Air Force.

But he was twenty-five now, a bit of a playboy, and somehow a beaten up old Ferrari just didn't fit his very eligible bachelor image. Especially the eldest son of Jefferson Tracy; billionaire.

So with the arrival of the Porsche, it looked as though Sadie's days were over and she was destined for the scrap heap.

Gordon and I looked at each other hopefully.

"What's happening to Sadie Scott?" the two of us piped up.

"Why squirts?" he asked. "You guys want her?"

Our eyes were wider than our grins at that question.

"Oh wow!" we exclaimed in unison. "We sure do!"

"Well you can have her if you want." he shrugged. "As long as it's OK with Dad."

Dad agreed provided we didn't drive it on the road until he allowed it. Dad had his doubts about Sadie and wanted to make sure she was roadworthy.

I had just passed my Driver's Test and could hardly wait to drive her out on the freeway but as Dad had instructed, Sadie was dutifully parked in the garage until she became roadworthy. He gave Gordon and me a modest budget to bring her back to standard and said once it was done he would have the car professionally assessed.

"I knew I did auto shop in High School for a reason." Gordon grinned, eagerly looking inside the bonnet. "Scott thought Sadie was hot before … wait 'till we finish with her hey Al?"

I didn't reply. I was too busy laughing my head off in the front seat.

"What's so funny?" he frowned peering at me through the window.

"This, that's what," I grinned holding up a very scant and very provocative looking G-string. "Looks like Sadie's been one helluva hot car in her time both inside and out."

We both burst into laughter. Our big brother had finally been caught out!

"I dare you to give that back to Scott in front of Dad." Gordon shot, his eyes wide with mischief.

I shook my head, eyes equally as wicked.

"No way. That's not good enough for this one. It requires a much bigger audience."

Both of us agreed we'd take more drastic measures. We would wrap the G-string up as Scott's Christmas present and say it was a gift from "Sadie."

I won't even begin to describe Scott's face Christmas morning when he opened that up. And you should have seen Grandma!

"It's not mine!" he stammered to Dad while the rest of us shrieked with laughter on the floor.

"I should hope it's not yours young man!" Grandma frowned.

"Nope." Gordon winked. "It's not the right size!"

Even Dad had a bit of a smile of his face then. I think Dad knew what Scott was like even though he never let on. To be honest I think our Father knows a lot more about all of us than we give him credit for even though he doesn't say anything.

Anyway back to our love affair with Sadie; "the other woman" as Tin-Tin begrudgingly described her.

Tin-Tin certainly didn't appreciate our dedication to our new toy and more so when we said we'd rather stay home and tinker under Sadie's bonnet than go anywhere with her.

Sorry sweetheart but back then if I had to choose between a woman and a car, there was no contest. My heart belonged to Sadie!

Finally Sadie was ready for the road and Dad allowed the two of us to drive her. Boy we drove her all right. She was one hot little machine and could do the most amazing speeds. Dad would have killed us if he knew how fast we used to drive in that car, especially me. Gordon could take it or leave it when it came to speed but I was hooked on it. I absolutely loved the rush it gave me and made the most of every moment.

My future loomed in front of my eyes. I decided that summer I wanted to be a racing car driver.

When Gordon left for WASP and Tin-Tin left for College I was left as an only child in a massive house in Manhattan. After being raised as the youngest child in a large family it was a very big change and a very lonely one. I was very close to my brother Gordon and I missed him terribly. Sadie became my best friend and I spent all my free time in her. But I could only drive so fast in Sadie and I wanted to prove to myself I was able to go faster. If I wanted to race professionally I had reached the point where I needed to move on to something else.

I only had access to one car that could do the exorbitant speeds I wanted.

Dad's brand new Porsche.

I am sure I must have been suffering from some sort of deficiency in my head back then because I honestly believed Dad would be OK with it if it was for the right reasons. And wanting to ensure I was following the right career path to me was a good enough reason.

It was one o'clock in the morning. Dad was fast asleep in his room, Grandma was asleep in hers. Kyrano was asleep on the other side of the house.

I walked through the kitchen and placed my hand on the keys to the Porsche. I knew what I was about to do was dangerous but it wasn't really wrong. Right?

"I need to know if I can do it." I told myself. "I don't have to go far. Dad won't know anyway and even if he does I'll have some ammunition to make a career out of it then."

I knew I'd need all the ammunition I could get to convince Dad about this career choice that's for sure. Dad was making me nervous at the moment. He had started to speak about what he wanted me to do when I finished High School and what he wanted was for me to go to College in Colorado. Like Gordon, I didn't want to go to College but unlike Gordon my alternative wasn't even realistic.

I had to make a racing career sound realistic and the only way I could do that was to prove to myself and to Dad I had what it took to race on the professional circuit.

Skill at speed.

The Police Officer who brought me home that night certainly didn't think I was ready for a career on the race track. He'd caught me doing ten miles over the speed limit on the way home. Boy was I lucky. Fifteen minutes before I'd been driving that baby at maximum speed down the freeway. Naturally when the Officer pulled me over I'd forgotten my carry my license and he shook his head when I said I was Jeff Tracy's son, hoping it would get me off.

"I don't care whose son you are." he snapped. "You'd only be seventeen at the most and you were speeding boy… AND not carrying your license into the bargain."

You can guess what's coming next can't you? A knock on the door at two o'clock in the morning, a Police Officer on the doorstep with me beside him and Dad in his pyjamas absolutely panic-stricken is not a good combination for family happiness in the Tracy household.

Dad had to go through it all again.

No, he didn't encourage me to drive without my licence.

Yes, he did understand it was his responsibility to keep minors off the streets at that time of the night.

No, there was no reason for me to be out at that time of the morning.

Yes, he did take his responsibility as a parent seriously.

No, it wasn't going to happen again.

The whole time Dad was being chewed out by the Police Officer I cringed in front of Grandma. She stood in her nightdress, arms folded with a face of stone. I knew just by her face I was really going to get it this time.

When the Police Officer left, Dad hauled me through the front door and slammed it so hard I swear the whole house shook. He swung around to face me and let fly.

"Of all the stupid, idiotic, ridiculous, irresponsible things you've done to me over the years …" he began, starting to turn purple with fury. "This takes first prize …"

This time there was no lecture. Dad had quite frankly had enough. I had pushed the boundaries too far this time.

Dad held nothing back and he didn't care who the hell heard him. All his frustration, anger and humiliation built up over the past seventeen years of tolerating my wild child ways flooded out of him.

He told me point blank Sadie was being sold.

I opened my mouth to protest.

He told me told point blank to shut it again.

He told me point blank I was going to College.

I opened my mouth to argue.

He told me point blank to shut it again.

"I've had it with you Alan." he roared. "If you can break the rules you do it. If there's trouble to be had, you'll find it. You are wild, undisciplined, unruly, unco-operative, and uncontrollable and I swear to God your mother would kill me if she saw how you're turning out. She died bringing you into this world and the very least you could do in return is make sure it wasn't all for nothing."

He stopped himself at Grandma's warning glance. He was starting to say too much now.

I opened my mouth to apologise.

He told me told point blank to shut it again.

"Don't say anything to me boy." Dad seethed shoving me towards the stairs. "Just get yourself the hell out of my sight before I say something I'll really regret."

He stood there, angry beyond reason; eyes dilated waiting for me to go.

I looked at my Grandma hoping she would say something to lighten up the situation. Her face remained like stone.

"Do as your Father says." she said without emotion. "There is absolutely no excuse for this kind of behaviour Alan. I agree with your Father on everything and you only have yourself to blame."

I hung my head.

Grandma had never spoken to me like that before.

I knew I'd gone too far.

WILD TIMES

Despite me making a real effort to stay out of trouble after that, Dad did not change his mind about College. I was going and that was it and despite a few heated arguments to the contrary I knew I may as well stop resisting.

Dad insisted on flying me to Colorado himself, much to my extreme discontent. I never said a word the whole way there. I didn't want to go to College and having to be taken there like a child really made me mad.

However when I arrived, I quickly appreciated Dad had done me a favour. Dad's sleek Tracy Enterprises jet attracted a good deal of attention from the girls as it taxied in from New York along the domestic runway. More than likely its million dollar price tag caught their eye but I think the fact it contained the billionaire himself was the main attraction.

Or should I say the billionaire's youngest son.

"That's him there." I heard one of them giggle as I walked through the terminal beside my Father. "The blonde one with the curls."

I turned around and winked at her. She coloured immediately and gasped. "Did you see that? He noticed me."

Dad gave me a warning glare to behave myself.

"You are here to learn." he emphasised in a serious, stony voice. "I haven't brought you all the way up here to chase women."

I smiled to myself. I know you didn't Dad but you couldn't stay here with me forever.

Dad left me in Colorado with a stern warning to apply myself and with the threat he would be monitoring my Grades and would require an explanation if they weren't satisfactory. He said I had better excel like my other brothers if I knew what was good for me. I nodded obediently with no intention of doing anything more than what I had to. There were other more interesting things to do up here besides study Jet Propulsion Engineering that was for sure!

Like race in fast cars.

I'm sure Dad didn't realise it when he enrolled me in Colorado, but the local racetrack was almost next door to the College Campus. Naturally the moment he was on his way back to New York and everyone else was introducing themselves to each other and to College life, I was introducing myself to the local racing fraternity. Dad would kill me if he knew, but I was driving laps around that racetrack before I'd even bothered to register for my classes in college.

"Ever considered a career on the track Tracy?" I was asked over and over again by people impressed with my potential, keen to market their cars and even keener to ensure the Tracy name was associated with them.

"Yeah." I shrugged. "But the old man's put the skids on that. Least 'till I graduate."

"Till I graduate."

Well I guess I kind of forgot that if you want to graduate from College you have to go to class and pass the course.

I didn't do either. Cutting class to practice at the track became the norm not the exception for me and failing in College was the unfortunate result.

It didn't help that I was also being happily distracted by a never-ending chain of pretty young women most nights of the week. It was all so easy for me. The Tracy smile, a movie ... coffee at my place and without fail ... paradise for the night. At eighteen years of age, I had it made.

So it goes without saying that my first twelve months in Colorado were horrendous if academic results were anything to go by but they were outstanding if you were anywhere near the finish line of the race-track or adding up the notches on my bedroom door.

Dad was furious when he found out I was failing. He was on the televid within minutes of hearing about my progress or should I say lack of it.

"What in the blazes are you doing up there Alan?" he said in threatening voice. "You're obviously not hitting the books hard enough."

I swallowed, lied like crazy and said the course he'd selected for me was proving to be extremely difficult. Dad refuted that story completely.

"Don't be ridiculous." he growled. "You could pass all of those subjects with both your eyes closed."

It didn't help that Dad was paying for Tin-Tin to be educated at Oxford in England and she was repaying him tenfold by passing everything in her double degree with distinction.

I promised Dad I'd "try" harder and I really did mean it when I heard how well Tin-Tin was doing. I told myself no matter what I had to find the time to go to classes and make an effort to study in the evenings.

But it simply didn't work. I had to practice when the cars were at the track and as for the study ... well it's hard to fit that in when you're full on in the bedroom most nights of the week and trying to catch up on sleep in between.

First Year Results were posted... Four subjects... four failures. I swallowed hard and braced myself. Dad was going to kill me.

However it wasn't Dad I had to worry about. Three days after the results were posted, a sleek black hire car motored into the College Grounds and from out of it stepped a tall impressive figure wearing a dark blue air force uniform decorated with captain's bars and several medals of honour.

It was my "other Father;" Captain Scott Carpenter Tracy of the United States Air Force.

Scott was stationed in Nevada and Dad had been talking to him about my results. Scott was an Oxford boy in his last year of College and had worked his butt off to succeed so I knew by the way he stepped out of that car he wasn't here to talk to me about the weather. I was about to get the verbal caning of my life.

"Alan." he barked in an authoritative military voice. "I want to talk to you."

Scott's voice reeked of real discipline. It was obvious he gave orders back in Nevada and expected them to be obeyed.

My temper flared. He could bark at me all he liked. I wasn't in the Air Force and I didn't have to take orders from him.

"OK then big brother." I said folding my arms and giving him a look of complete arrogance. "Start talking. I'm listening."

He shook his head at me in disappointment.

"Alan ... what the hell are you playing at?" he asked in his big brother voice. "For Gods sake look at the state of you!"

I gave him a bored look.

"What's wrong with me then?"

Scott frowned and looked me up and down.

"Well you haven't had a hair cut in six months for one thing ...and when was the last time you shaved or changed your clothes?"

"Last time I was on a promise." I replied in a smug voice.

"Which was?"

"Last night actually." I winked.

At his look of revulsion my hackles reared up.

"Oh come on Scott... not everyone chooses to go without it like Dad, you know." I said directly. "I know you don't if what I found in good old Sadie is anything to go by."

Scott eyed me with distaste.

"What the heck's gotten into you Alan?" he said through clenched teeth. "You're supposed to be a Tracy son."

"I am a Tracy son." I flashed back, my voice dripping with rebellion. "You don't think I'd be having such a good time up here if I wasn't do you?"

"Well I hope you're protecting yourself properly." he said sternly.

I looked at him as if he was from the dark ages.

"Oh please big brother. You didn't actually believe all that stuff Dad told you when you were thirteen did you? Women do protect themselves you know. Why the heck should I ruin a perfectly good moment for myself? "

"Alan." he snapped. "I'm serious. You're a Tracy son. You're playing with fire if you don't use something."

"You mean the women are." I grinned. "You should see 'em here Scott... tell 'em your Jeff Tracy's son and they open like ..."

That was enough for Scott. He might be playing the field in Nevada too but he was decent about it and very careful when he did.

"Never mind the simile." he snapped grasping my arm and shoving me head first into the front seat of the car. "You get your half smart ass in here right now. You and I have a lot of serious talking to do!"

Well I know who did all the talking and it sure as hell wasn't me. Scott has a way of putting things that Dad doesn't let me tell you and I wasn't game enough to open my mouth. By the time Scott left Colorado for Nevada I felt like I'd been mauled not only by the military but by the Tracy family decency machine. I promised Scott I'd make an effort to pass my course if he'd do one thing for me in return... go back to Nevada and get the hell off my back.

Well it worked to a certain degree. I had my hair cut short again, behaved with the decorum of "a Tracy son", and attended classes regularly. However despite it all nothing could stop my love of motor racing or control my roving eye for women.

The racing continued and so did the reckless loving.

However Scott flew in to visit every fortnight and that alone managed to control me enough to bumble my way through my second year and pass all my subjects. He also talked to the College Dean and made arrangements for me to study for and resit my failed subjects.

Dad and Grandma both breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God for Scott. Responsible as he always was.

But the year was almost over and it was time for our family to gather together to celebrate Christmas for the first time at our brand new home… an island in the South Pacific Ocean Dad had acquired for the biggest business investment of his life. The nature of the investment was still unknown to everyone except Dad but investments were the last thing on our minds as we all arrived on "Tracy Island" for the holiday season.

That included our extended family …. a new friend of Dad's who was the same age as Johnny and fondly nicknamed Brains … his retainer Mr Kyrano…

…and Tin-Tin.

WILDLY IN LOVE

Tin-Tin was the last to arrive Christmas Eve after a long and uncomfortable journey from London to San Diego and then on by private jet to our new home. She had just completed her third year at Oxford University and I hadn't seen her for over twelve months. She had written regular letters to me in Colorado but I didn't correspond well and I never seemed to find the time to reply. At least I had remembered her birthday and managed to send her a birthday card but that was where it had ended and I knew she wouldn't be pleased.

I remember worrying a little about the reception I was going to get when she arrived, more so that the last time we'd been together the Christmas before I had started to feel ... well... differently about her. It hadn't bothered me at first until Gordon noticed it and then all my brothers got on the bandwagon and began to tease me that I was in love with her.

I denied it of course. What I was feeling wasn't love. But I knew damn well it wasn't friendship either.

Grandma said nothing the previous year but she certainly had quite a lot to say now as I walked with her on the beach waiting for Dad's plane to arrive from San Diego with Tin-Tin.

"It's hard to believe you only have one year left of your College degree Alan." she said. "My the time has flown since you went to Colorado."

I nodded my head. "Yes it has ma'am."

"Tin-Tin's only got one year left to go now too." she pointed out. "A double degree in four years. She's certainly a clever little girl."

I rolled my eyes. Here she goes again raving on about Tin-Tin. I thought to myself. Grandma's pride in Tin-Tin really irritated me.

"Pretty too from the recent photographs her Father showed me." she said watching me carefully. "Did she send you any of those pictures of herself Alan?"

I shrugged. "No ma'am. She wrote to me a couple of times but she didn't send any pictures."

"Pity." she mused. "She's grown into a mighty stunning young woman from what I'm led to believe. Popular with the menfolk over in England too I understand."

Her dark blue eyes were still scrutinising my reactions.

I stopped on the beach and looked at her.

"Oh?" I enquired with a hint of disappointment in my voice. "You think Tin-Tin has a boyfriend Grandma?"

Grandma smiled impishly. She was pushing all the right buttons where I was concerned and I didn't even realise it.

The "plan" had been actioned.

"Oh yes." she nodded. "I'm sure she has. A pretty girl like that would have to have a man."

Sure enough I felt jealousy burn within me for the first time. Tin-Tin couldn't be with anybody else. She was my friend and she belonged to me.

"Well." I said in a ruffled voice. "It wouldn't be serious."

"Most likely not." Grandma shrugged. "But then you never know."

I bristled. It was OK for me to ignore Tin-Tin Kyrano when it suited me but no-one else was allowed to rustle in on her without my permission. I looked impatiently towards the eastern horizon. Where the hell was the Dad's plane?

Grandma left it at that but she made very sure she was next to me on the landing strip when Tin-Tin finally arrived.

I still see the hatch opening up, Dad dismounting... and then... as my eyes opened widely … HER

I don't know if it was all the build-up courtesy of Grandma but as far as I was concerned at that moment Tinarda Jane Kyrano was the only girl for me. She looked sensational. Her face was beautiful, her smile was unforgettable, her figure stunning … and ... well ... frankly ... she literally blew me away.

"Looks like those photographs were right." Grandma observed watching with satisfaction as the infatuation crept over my face. "Mighty stunning young woman our little Tin-Tin wouldn't you say Alan?"

With that Grandma went forward with her Father to kiss her. But the whole time, Tin-Tin's velvet brown eyes looked in my direction and once the greeting was over she walked over to where I stood on the runway.

"Hello Alan." she said taking my hands in hers and kissing my cheek. "It's nice to see you again."

I responded by squeezing her hands in return. I inhaled the delicate musk perfume she wore and felt my heart begin to race.

"Yeah ..." I breathed unable to keep my eyes off her. "You got that right."

That was it. When my blue eyes met her brown ones and the kiss happened the struggle was over as far as I was concerned.

The pretty twenty year old who'd come to grace our home ten years ago had me right in the palm of her hand.

And Grandma knew it.

Four years before Grandma had gone to so much trouble to make sure the two of us weren't left alone in the same room. Now she went out of her way to make sure we were.

"I'll leave you two alone." she said Christmas night as the three of us stood out on the balcony overlooking the ocean. "It's a lovely warm night to be underneath the stars appreciating the company."

Grandma was so priceless and so damned obvious.

"I think your Grandma is trying to tell us something." Tin-Tin giggled as Grandma retired into the lounge and shut the ornate French doors. "Don't you?"

I looked at my friend Tin-Tin Kyrano and reddened.

"Yeah." I replied stupidly.

She said nothing as her eyes scanned the heavens.

"Does that bother you?" I added.

She turned her attention out to the sea which quietly lapped the shore.

"Not really. You?"

"No why should it?" I replied trying to make it sound as though involving myself with her was as repulsive now as it was when I was twelve years old.

"Alan ..." she began turning to look at me. "Why didn't you write to me in England?"

I lowered my head.

"I … I did." I began.

She eyed me.

"You sent me a card Alan." she said in a flat voice. "And what's more you didn't even take the time to write in it. The only way I knew it was from you was by the postmark."

I really reddened then.

"I guess I've been busy Tin-Tin."

She was still looking directly into my eyes.

"Or you didn't want to."

Normally that sort of accusation would be enough to get me on my high horse and instigate an argument between us.

But not this time.

"That's not true Tin-Tin." I replied in an almost inaudible voice.

The two of us continued to look at each other in the darkness.

We were silent.

"You've gotten tall." she said.

"And you've gotten prettier." I said.

Our eyes continued to meet.

This was becoming awkward now.

"Things are changing between us aren't they Alan?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head vehemently. I never wanted things to change between us. She was my best friend.

There was no room for love in a friendship like ours.

"Things aren't changing." I stressed. "Just because a guy says you're pretty doesn't mean things have changed."

I grinned at her and started to joke around to lighten up the uncomfortable moment.

"Besides Tin-Tin I'm still the same pain in the ass I always was!"

She laughed. "Yes you are Alan! That's one thing that's never going to change."

I leaned forward on the railing and put an arm around her shoulders. She didn't flinch. She knew it was an arm of friendship but I noted how perfectly her body moulded into mine, almost as if we were meant to fit together.

"I'm glad you're here with me Tin-Tin." I said with an honesty that had always existed between us. "I really am."

"Well write to me next year Alan!" she demanded and slapped me on the arm.

So despite the stars in the sky and the romance in the air that night much to my Grandma's disappointment; nothing happened.

For the rest of the vacation nothing happened either. While Grandma did everything in her power to bring us together we steadfastly refused to allow ourselves to be anything more than "just friends."

And that was becoming hard.

I tried to act like I used to act ... initiating friendly arguments, making attempts to tease and cracking pathetic jokes. She was the same. But more and more it was becoming painfully obvious to both of us. We were falling in love with each other and nothing we could say or do was going to stop things.

Except a return to College.

She was leaving first. She had one year to go before she graduated from Oxford with a double degree. I had one year to go in Colorado.

The night before she left, the two of us walked together on the beach. Dad and Kyrano were down there too and both of us were on our guard. I'd offered my hand once we were out of their sight but she'd declined it. The two of us walked side by side in silence.

"You gonna be seeing anyone when you get back to College?" I asked cautiously, very aware of Grandma's statement about how a pretty girl like Tin-Tin would have to have a man.

"How about you in Colorado?" she asked in return.

"I asked you first." I challenged.

She stopped walking and looked at me in the darkness.

"No Alan." she said emphatically. "No I'm not."

"Good." I replied and smiled at her. "So do you want to walk a little further or go back inside?"

She folded her arms and frowned.

"Hey hang on a moment! "she exclaimed. "What about you Alan?"

"What?" I asked in a voice that held a little too much innocence even for me to believe.

"You that's what!" she berated me. "I promised I wasn't going to see anyone but as usual you never promised me anything."

I felt the guilt rear up in me. I'd changed the subject on purpose. I loved her but I didn't want to give up the good time I was having in Colorado.

"Aww Tin-Tin." I sighed, deciding to come clean. "I don't think we should be making those sorts of promises to each other when we're going to be so far apart."

"Humph." she sniffed. "You mean YOU don't want to promise."

She could see right through me. She always could. But I was confident if I gave her the freedom to choose, she wouldn't choose anyone over me. Me on the other hand…

"No I mean you shouldn't commit yourself to me either." I said prepared to take the risk.

The silence between us was awkward but both of us knew what I was saying was true.

"And what happens after College?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. I hadn't even thought about what I was going to do after college. Well … I lie … I knew what I wanted to do but I knew Dad wasn't going to have a bar of it. Professional car-racing wasn't going to be an option and I knew I wouldn't win the argument because Dad had a secret weapon on his side.

Grandma.

"Car racing's dangerous and ridiculous waste of time." she said one night over Dinner when I was trying to drum up her support. "I didn't raise you for nineteen years to be left standing there grieving when you kill yourself for no good reason."

So what I was going to do when I finished College I really didn't know. There was no way I was joining the Air Force so it was with real sincerity that I squeezed Tin-Tin's hand and replied.

"Well ... let's just wait and see what happens huh?"

The two of us looked into each other's eyes and almost simultaneously our lips began to move together. I think we would have shared our first real kiss at that moment had Dad and Kyrano not intervened.

"You two look like you're having a nice chat out here." Dad said in an agreeable voice as the two of us broke apart.

Poor Dad. He had no idea of what was developing and still believed things were the same as they were when the two of us were little.

I looked at Tin-Tin Kyrano and then at my Father.

"Yes Sir." I said. "Real nice."

We didn't kiss each other that night and we didn't make the promise to be true to one another either and much to Grandma's disappointment and utter frustration the two of us parted as we had arrived.

"Just friends."

Tin-Tin returned to Oxford.

I returned to Colorado.

I was a changed person after that vacation. I still enjoyed the racing circuit but I knew I had to hit the books. Racing took a back seat. My Grades really improved.

But as for the girls…

I still had the freedom to see whoever I liked and I did for a while but in the bedroom it wasn't the same. I kept picturing Tin-Tin in the arms of another man. Whenever that happened, jealousy burned within me. I didn't want anyone else to experience that beautiful body before I did. I didn't want anyone else to kiss her before I did. I didn't want anyone else to have her full stop. When this happened I invariably sat down at my desk and wrote to her. I never told her I loved her in those letters but I think it was becoming pretty obvious. The other girls no long mattered to me.

She was the only girl on my mind.

A pretty Malaysian girl with a magical smile and the promise of a future life to come.

INTERNATIONAL RESCUE

Our final year passed all too quickly and it wasn't long before Dad and Grandma flew to Colorado to witness my graduation. Scott joined them and looked on with the same Fatherly satisfaction as Dad.

Grandma carried on with her usual fuss and bother, becoming teary-eyed and saying how much she wished my Mother could have been there. Dad on the other hand wasn't thinking about Mom. He was looking at me with calculating eyes. He had something on his mind.

He didn't tell me what it was until after we had flown to England for Tin-Tin's graduation. Tin-Tin was the valedictorian and Dad and Kyrano beamed with pride in her. I simply sat in the audience love-struck. She had been beautiful before, but she was really beautiful now.

And I wanted her to be mine.

After the graduation ceremony Tin-Tin was offered a position at the University. My heart sank when she told me she was going to accept it.

"I'm only taking it for six months Alan." she said looking at my petulant face. "And then I'm coming home."

"What's the point in taking something for only six months?" I complained. "Why not just come home now?"

I reached out and took her hand in mind. "Tin-Tin I want you to come home with me."

She shook her head and pulled her hand away.

"There's a reason I can't." she said.

At my perplexed look she added.

"You."

I frowned.

"Me?" I exclaimed in surprise.

She sighed and bit her lip.

"Alan … last summer …"

I looked at her as she struggled to find the words she wanted to say.

"What about last Summer?" I asked.

"You and me... on the beach" she said. "I …"

She swallowed and looked into my eyes.

"I ... I nearly kissed you."

"I know. So what?" I said in my usual brash manner. "That's not such a big deal is it?"

She started to walk away from me.

"It is to me."

I followed her across the lawns of the university like a puppy. As I said earlier, as far as I was concerned the struggle was over. I was hers. She only had to say she wanted to be mine.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I called after her as she continued to walk. She didn't answer. I reached out and spun her around to face me.

"Tin-Tin?" I demanded. "What's wrong? Why are you acting like this?"

She heaved a huge sigh and dropped her head.

"You're what's wrong Alan." she said. "Don't you see? I can't come home … not until I sort out how I feel about you."

I slipped my finger under her finely chiselled chin and lifted it to mine. My eyes searched hers.

"And how do you feel?"

Her eyes filled with tears.

"I didn't think I felt anything until I saw you next to your Grandmother. I've been telling myself all year what happened on the beach was just a mix-up. Now you're here with your blonde good looks ... and I'm all mixed up again."

"What do you mean you're mixed up?" I asked incredulously.

She began to walk away again.

"I left Tracy Island completely confused with how I felt about you Alan. You're supposed to be my friend."

The words were an accusation, an allegation that I was to blame for what had started to happen between us the previous Summer.

"I AM your friend." I interjected. "I've ALWAYS been your friend." I grasped her hand and ended the sentence quietly. "And I'll always BE your friend."

Her beautiful features scanned mine.

"Well why does it feel like we're not friends anymore?"

I took both her hands in mine and searched her features in earnest.

"We ARE friends." I assured her. "You're the best friend I ever had."

"Well if I am you should be able to understand why I need six more months away from you."

I released her hands.

No I didn't understand. I wasn't forcing what was happening between us to happen. It was just … happening.

"Alan I need to see other men if we're ever going to be more than friends." she said quietly. "I don't know what love feels like and I need to find out."

Now I really didn't understand but as I said before, who the hell can understand women?

"Ummm… OK …" I said in complete confusion. "I …I hope you don't mind if I see other women while you do then."

Her beautiful brown eyes misted. I couldn't fool Tin-Tin.

"And that isn't the case with you already?"

Those words hurt me more than she'll ever know and I guess it took me until I felt that hurt to understand she had been hurting too. Listening to me brag about all my conquests in College when she felt something more must have been really hard. I thought I could say anything in front of my friend Tin-Tin but I guessed that wasn't the case anymore. Things had changed between us like she had said and I didn't know if I wanted that to happen.

But now the two of us had agreed on the future.

She was staying on in England; for six months anyway.

I was going to race professionally.

She was going to see other men.

I was going to see other women.

And then Dad dropped the bombshell on both of us…

Tin-Tin Kyrano - Assistant Engineer.

Alan Tracy - Astronaut.

International Rescue.

When Dad unveiled his plans for International Rescue I don't know how Tin-Tin felt but he sure as hell floored me. He'd been working on the project for three years and now that the last two members had graduated from College it was time to put it all together.

My mouth fell open when he said he had asked Scott to leave the Air Force and come home. Scott had said yes. I shook my head with disbelief. Chief Pilot in Red Flag and he was giving it all up for Dad. Was he nuts?

Then I realised Dad was serious. He continued on to say Gordon would be coming on board as the Aquanaut despite his injuries from the hydrofoil accident. He said he intended to ask John to leave NASA to be the other Astronaut and Virgil to resign in Denver.

And my role?

He told me he required me to attend a special accelerated learning programme he had arranged for me in NASA. This would be offset with training sessions with my brother John and himself. In short Dad needed two Astronauts and I was to be the second one.

"I need you to apply yourself like you've never done before." he said. "You're young and intelligent and I need you Alan." he said. His eyes took on that far-away look he used to have all those years ago when he sat on my bed reading contracts waiting for me to go to sleep. "And you owe it to your Mother." he finished quietly. "I'm doing all of this for her and you son are the bravest thing she ever did for me."

There's not much you can say to an offer when it's put to you like that is there? It was ironic really. Named after Astronaut Alan Shepard and the son of Astronaut Jefferson Tracy, nothing was further from my life plans than to become like either of them.

But I guessed I owed my Mother. And I knew I really owed it to Dad.

And there was one other great big incentive to accept.

His new Assistant Engineer.

Tin-Tin was now coming home.

That was all the incentive I needed.

The way it's all turned out couldn't be better for either of us.

Or Grandma's plan.

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"So young man." a no-nonsense voice from behind me sounds out so it echoes right across the lounge room. "Where the heck were you and Tin-Tin hiding yourselves until now?"

Dad frowns. Scott frowns.

I redden.

Kyrano frowns.

Tin-Tin reddens.

Grandma folds her arms and waits to hear what "excuse" I manage to come up with this time.

"We were just catching up on things Grandma." I say innocently and with a shrug of the shoulders. "You know how it is."

She gives me a mischievous look and says nothing.

I suddenly remember Dad's lecture. He said I'd better apologise. I walk over and place my arm around Grandma's shoulders and kiss the top of her head.

"Grandma." I begin. "Dad says I owe you an apology."

Grandma looks at me.

"You've owed me an apology from the very first day I carried out into this house Alan Tracy." she warns light-heartedly. "You've given me nothing but grief from the beginning, so don't think being late for my party is anything out of the ordinary."

Dad's lecture rears up again. He said I was taking Grandma for granted.

"I know ma'am." I reply kissing her again. "I just wouldn't want you to think I didn't appreciate you."

I give her my Tracy smile. She hugs me and smiles back.

"As if I'd ever think that about my favourite Grandson." she replies.

Her eyes move around the room and come to rest on Tin-Tin.

"That little girl of yours looks mighty pretty tonight." she begins.

I shake my head and laugh at her.

"Oh Grandma." I grin. "You're never going to give up are you?"

"What do you mean?" she asks innocently.

I tweak her nose and squeeze her tight.

"Grandma your plan for the two of us is working OK? " I assure her. "Just give me a little more time."

Now she's frowning and within seconds I'm being pushed out onto the balcony and the French doors are closing behind us.

She folds her arms and looks me up and down.

"What have I done now?" I ask her getting ready for the lecture.

"It's what you haven't done." she retorts. "I'm seventy-five Alan Shepard Tracy and getting older in the tooth by the second. I don't have much longer for you to get your head together, admit to that little girl you love her and DO something about it."

I look down at my Grandma in the darkness.

If only she knew.

Grandma, Tin-Tin does know I love her. I finally woke up to myself and admitted it to her a few weeks back. She told me she loves me as well. She finally admitted things too. And we have done something about it. The night we admitted we loved each other we took things further and she asked me to make love to her for the first time.

So I have done something about it Grandma but I simply can't tell you about it. That isn't part of the plan.

But I decide she deserves to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

"Grandma." I begin. "If I tell you something, do you promise me on ten bibles not to tell anyone?"

She looks me up and down.

"You know how it works in this family." she replies. "The less said the better."

Her eyes take on an expectant glow as I begin to speak.

"Tin-Tin and me … are much more than friends now." I say carefully.

"And?" she demands imperiously.

I put my arms around my Grandma and begin to laugh.

"AND Grandma … when there's more to tell you about our relationship than that, you'll be the first to know."

She looks into my eyes as only Grandma can and proceeds to drop the bombshell.

"That day is going to be sooner than you think if you're not careful young man." she warns.

"You just mark my words."

You know what?

I've just realised Grandma has known all along.

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Author's Note - This Story is set three weeks before the start of "Commitment". I guess Grandma was right!

mcj

And now the final series of Chapters commences in Tales of a Grandmother: - The Story of the Billionaire himself.

NEXT CHAPTER - WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE BILLIONAIRE - PART 1 - JEFF TRACY -THE EARLY YEARS

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