Tales of A Grandmother

by mcj

NOT MOVIE-VERSE It's Grandma's birthday and tonight she's leaving no story untold. STORY COMPLETE

16. CHAPTER 8 PART 2 WORDS OF WISDOM FROM ...

Author's Note - I am very humbled by the positive reviews and encouragement to continue towards the end of this story. This chapter is one of love and loss and has not been an easy one to write. I hope I have done it justice. Yours ... mcj

CHAPTER 8 - WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE BILLIONAIRE

JEFF TRACY - PART 2 - THE TOUGH YEARS

Dinner is almost ready and Kyrano has just sent word from the kitchen that we should all charge our glasses and make our way to the dining room. Looks like the real celebrations are finally going to begin. There's a birthday cake to cut, speeches to be made and a special gift to be given. I really should get moving since I'm in charge of things in there but I've gotten myself rather comfortable in my favourite armchair and for the first time in a very long time, I am actually enjoying sitting back sipping my cognac and mulling over the past.

It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to think about the old days and to tell you the truth it hasn't been half as hard as I thought it was going to be.

So far.

It's been humbling remembering my early life on the farm and how Mother had to go without so many things for Dad to give me a decent education; extremely satisfying to recount my rapid elevation through the ranks of the Air Force and down-right daunting to try to convey to you the magnitude of my experiences in the NASA Space Programme.

But above all, it's been nothing less than therapeutic for me to let my guard down and permit myself to think about my wife again. At first I thought I'd feel nothing but the old familiar pain but at the moment I actually feel rather wonderful.

It felt so good to remember how she looked the night we first met in London, how smitten I was with her from the beginning, how pathetic we were trying to hide Scott's conception from our parents, and how deeply and completely we loved each other. I really should have allowed myself the luxury of remembering our time together sooner.

Maybe my Father was right about that after all.

Dad always said a man needs to constantly think about his past and treat what's happened in it like the pages of a history book. He said a man should read his pages often, learn from the mistakes and try to make tomorrow's history better as a result of it.

Well tonight is the first time I've ever taken that advice and as far as I'm concerned I'm pretty happy with the history I've reviewed so far.

Obviously there are a few things I'd have done much differently if I had my time over again. I'd definitely have found a better way to tell Dad about not wanting to take over the farm for one thing and I most certainly would never have lied to my Mother about Scott being premature either. Then there's the embarrassment of knowing Mom and Dad knew all about the "Farmhouse incident" too.

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but I've thought long and hard about that night and there's no way I'd change anything about my magical first time with Lucy Evans. Yes OK I know I shouldn't have done it and it's a nightmare living with Mother holding it over my head but it was one hell of a pleasurable experience and I'm not about to apologise for having it.

It's funny how I never applied Dad's advice to myself yet I've always been determined to incorporate it into the day to day running of International Rescue.

Dad called what I do reviewing history.

I call it debriefing.

I make sure my boys thoroughly debrief after each mission no matter how late it is or how tired they are. Debriefing is essential in an organisation like ours and those volatile young men of mine sometimes don't like me pointing it out. That's when I really put my foot down. It is essential for their emotional well-being that they focus on what went right and deal immediately with the fall-out of anything that goes wrong. However, it's not always easy convincing five grumpy boys who only want a shower, a hot meal and some decent shut-eye they need to do it and every now and then there are some heated words exchanged.

However heated words are rare and I think the outfit is doing pretty well at the moment. International Rescue is a top notch organisation and I'm happy to say the debriefings I conduct cover many more successes than failures. Nevertheless I am acutely aware failure does happen and failure ultimately means loss of human life.

Like me, all five of my boys take failure personally but as their Father, the fact they are so hard on themselves worries me sometimes. My sons are extremely courageous young men but they are only human beings with extraordinary machines at their disposal when it all comes down to it. They are not the Gods or knights in shining armour the authorities make them out to be and I don't think they should have to deal with the unrealistic expectations of others who think and expect they can perform miracles.

"I wish you had the same benevolent outlook on life when you were younger son." Mother once piped up from the corner during one such debriefing. "It was certainly a different story around here twenty years ago."

I remember swinging around to look at her quite annoyed at the comment let alone the unwelcome interruption and simply being met with a pair of knowing dark blue eyes which dared me to open my mouth and argue with her.

I didn't.

I know her eyes saw me at my worst twenty years ago and no matter how much I try to forget it, everything Mother has probably told you about how I conducted myself in the tough years is absolutely true.

Like her, I really wish I would have had the same outlook as I do now. Life certainly wouldn't have been so difficult to deal with then and maybe I would have coped better with what life threw my way that dreadful Sunday night in March when my perfect world blew apart right in front of my eyes.

Maybe I would have allowed my little boys to cry for their Mother instead of forcing them to grow up overnight, hide their feelings and be men.

Maybe I would have allowed them to see my own devastation instead of bottling everything up inside me.

Maybe I wouldn't have thrown myself into my work like I did trying to forget her.

Maybe I would have stayed a Daddy instead of turning into a Father.

Maybe I wouldn't have gone off the rails and broken down either.

I don't know.

All I do know is I can't change that dreadful period of my history no matter how much I wish I could.

Like Dad said, all a man can do is learn from his mistakes and try to make tomorrow's history better. I really made a conscious effort to be a better Father once I pulled myself together and began to cope without Lucy but it was hard; damn hard; and I'm sure Mother has told you I made some pretty dreadful mistakes raising the boys.

It's also difficult to change old habits. After all these years I'm still a self-professed workaholic and despite the fact I am very aware of it, I simply can't help myself. Work was my best friend back then. Work took the pain away. Work gave me an outlet for my emotions. Work was the answer to everything.

In a way it still is.

A familiar voice suddenly startles me. It's Mother standing in the doorway.

"Why is it no surprise to me that you're still in here Jeff Tracy?" she's exclaiming. "I swear you can't leave off working for more than five minutes."

I open my mouth to speak but I know I'm not going to get a word in edgewise.

"I'm absolutely sure whatever it is you're up to in here at the moment can wait long enough for you to come inside and eat. I'll have you know everyone is fading away to a shadow waiting for you to grace us with your presence and Kyrano isn't too happy about the delay all this is causing either."

I rise to my feet completely apologetic and head to the bar to top up my cognac.

"I'm sorry Mother." I mumble uncomfortably "I guess I got myself caught up in things as usual."

Well that was definitely the wrong thing to say! She's on to me like a flash.

"That would be right! We can't even have a party around here without losing you to some new scheme you're planning. That mind of yours never stops ticking over son. Nothing but work, work, and more work every single day of the year!"

I shake my head at her tone. That woman is only five foot two inches tall and isn't even a hundred pounds but I swear when she gets going she sounds like she's six foot ten and has a loaded gun in her pocket.

"I wasn't thinking about work this time Mom." I protest walking towards her. "Honest."

"Don't be so stupid Jeff. Of course you were!" she snaps albeit light-heartedly. "You know as well as I do that you don't think about anything else."

I shrug and allow myself to be admonished. I learnt a long time ago the only way to placate this little human dynamo is to agree with her and if she's going to start on me about my work ethics I know I may as well give up the argument now.

"I'm sorry Mom." I smile placing my arm around her waist. "Let's go in shall we?"

There are varying comments as the two of us enter the dining room.

"'Bout time Dad."

Alan of course. Far too much to say as usual!

"My stomach thinks my throat's been cut."

That's a bit dramatic don't you think Virgil?

"He's not the only one starving to death around here Dad."

As usual Scott is siding with his brother.

"You two never think about anything but food."

John.

Uh oh. There's the frown of disapproval. Scott doesn't appreciate John's dry wit at the best of times but its worse when he's listening to it on an empty stomach. Then he has no tolerance at all.

"Yeah well we all know why we're starving in the first place don't we?"

Scott's comment silences everyone and suddenly the air feels like it's been cut in half with a knife. Now Gordon's the centre of the unwelcome attention and Gordon's face is turning redder than his hair.

"Hey leave off will you guys! I've apologised to everyone a hundred times already OK?" he says defensively. "The whole thing was a simple misunderstanding."

No-one's buying that one from the renowned prankster of the family.

Gordon does his usual about-face and starts laying the blame on Alan.

"And it was all your fault little brother as you well know."

It's hard to keep a straight face while all this is going on. Of course it was Alan's fault but there's no way Gordon's ever going to get him to admit to that.

"What the hell did I do?" Alan snaps.

"We know what you were doing!" laughs Virgil, turning to wink at Tin-Tin.

"We all do!" grins Gordon before bursting into laughter and ruffling Alan's hair.

Now it's Tin-Tin's turn to put her head down and the poor girl is turning scarlet. Alan is for once completely speechless; livid and totally mortified all at the same time.

I shake my head as I pull back Mother's chair and invite her to sit down. I swear the situation around here never changes. The teasing and sometimes not so jovial aggravation around this table is a trademark of my sons. Normally I'd be adding to it by now telling them all to bite their tongues and settle down but I'm afraid I'm not in a position to say anything to anyone at the moment.

That dreadful lump has just reared up in my throat again and I'm trying to find somewhere to look so no-one notices I'm having trouble dealing with my emotions. I quickly clear my throat and turn to leave.

"Excuse me one moment will you." I murmur making a hurried and ungracious exit towards the bathroom.

There's a unified chorus of "DAD!" as I leave the room as fast as my legs can carry me.

Safe in the confines of the four walls of one of the downstairs bathrooms I allow myself the privilege of wiping away the tears that unexpectedly welled up from nowhere when I saw that empty chair across the table from Mother. There's always a chair that remains empty at our dinner table and it has never seemed more noticeably empty to me than it does tonight.

"Mommy's chair."

No-one is allowed to sit in the vacant chair to the right of mine no matter what.

It was the childhood creed of my sons; a silent and painful expression of their grief when they were so very young and I wouldn't allow them to talk about their Mother. I hated looking at it but Mother said the boys needed to let their grief out somehow and something as simple as refusing to sit in her place at the dinner table was the only way they knew how to do it.

It cuts me to the bone to remember they needed to cope with their grief like that, let alone face the fact that they still place such a high significance on leaving her place empty now. Tonight is a special family celebration and they obviously want everyone to be at the table with their Grandmother; even the Mother they haven't had in their lives for over twenty years. I guess I should be touched by the sentiment but let me tell you right now... it hurts.

I splash water on my face and look into the mirror. I have to pull myself together and get back to Mother's party. There's only one way I know to bring myself under control when I get like this. I have to say the words. Words I uttered into my mirror day after day after day all those years ago just to keep myself going.

"Get on with it Tracy and stop complaining life kicked you in the gut. She's dead and that ain't ever gonna change. "

I slam down the towel almost in anger.

For the love of God what the heck am I doing in here? I don't need to talk to mirrors anymore. It's only an empty chair at a dining table for God's sake. Lucy has nothing to do with anything anymore.

I'm over her now.

I AM over her.

I AM.

I drop my head and shake it in complete disgust at myself.

Who am I trying to kid?

If I'm over my Lucy what the hell am I doing in here?

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Stage Three (continued) - The Man in Love

Pioneer One made it back safely from the moon and the four of us were paraded in front of the world as some kind of heroes. Each of us had had a role to play in the success of the mission and we had all risen to the difficult and life threatening challenge admirably. The whole thing went like a copybook. I took the ship up exactly as I had been trained to do. I landed the capsule on the moon exactly as I'd practiced for six long years. I even landed the blasted thing in Utah less than five hundred yards from the target site.

The world heaped accolades on Major Jefferson Grant Tracy for his brilliant piloting skills. I simply breathed a sigh of relief I had kept a level head long enough to do what NASA had hand-picked me to do. Talk to me about skill if you like but luck sure had a lot to do with things back then.

The President was on hand when we were retrieved from the capsule.

So were our wives.

And the blasted media.

Colonisation had begun and the world couldn't get enough of it.

There were so many photos taken of us with the President. The first salute still in our spacesuits ... the first shake of his hand ... the congratulatory smiles ... and one Astronaut looking in the opposite direction the whole time, his face drawn towards someone else...

"I can't believe you walked past the President of the United States to kiss me like that in front of the whole world Jeff." Lucy giggled as we were conveyed by NASA from the media site in Utah to the plane waiting to take us back to Cape Kennedy.

"Yeah?" I smiled wrapping my arm around her and pretending to be surprised. "Can't understand the logic of me doing that!"

"Of course you can. I'm important you know!" she grinned nestling into my body.

"I know you are!" I smiled back. "It's not every person I'd prioritise over the President."

"I love you." she breathed as the car doors opened and the military police motioned us out of the car.

"I love you too baby girl." I responded and kissed her again.

The flashes went off everywhere.

My ire suddenly began to ebb within me again.

My reunion with Lucy was personal and I didn't take too kindly to having how we felt about each other broadcast in all the newspapers. But her warning glance and gentle squeeze of my hand told me I should remain silent. I guessed she was right. I was public property at the moment and the media knew they could do whatever they wanted. Luckily I didn't care about anything except being home again, holding Lucy and seeing my two little boys.

Mother was there with them when we arrived at Cape Kennedy. Virgil's little face lit up when he saw me and Scott's blue eyes sparkled with double their usual excitement.

"There's Daddy Grandma!" he exclaimed trying to break free from Mother's vice like grip.

He frowned unhappily as Mother continued to restrain him behind the barrier tape.

"Daddy! Daddy!" he called out to me, desperately waving to me within an inch of his life. "Here I am over here Daddy!"

My head turned in the direction of my precious eldest son and at that moment I didn't care what the protocol was. I knelt down right there and then in front of everyone and called him to come to me. Mother let him go and he darted underneath the barrier tape and ran into my outstretched arms. I threw him up into the air happily. They didn't need any more pictures of my family after that. I had just given them everything they needed. The photograph taken of me reuniting with my eldest son and the President smiling in the background went on to grace the front cover of just about every newspaper in the world.

"Colonisation ...the next generation." the story read.

Well to be honest with you I really didn't care about Colonisation at the moment. All I wanted was to go home and be with my family and after enduring another eight hours of interviews, medical assessments and a top secret debriefing I was finally allowed to do it.

My first night home in two months was certainly a night to remember. Mother beamed with pride as we all watched the newscast of the landing together and sipped a special bottle of champagne. Scott glowed with adulation and had to be told the story of me walking on the moon over and over and over again. His face literally shone as I also recounted how it felt bringing the capsule down in Utah.

"Were you scared Daddy?" he asked gravely, his blue eyes wider than saucers.

"A bit" I smiled tousling his dark curls. "But I knew Grandpa was looking after me so I guessed everything was gonna be OK."

He nodded in complete understanding.

"Grandma said Grandpa was looking after you from heaven." he agreed.

I turned and smiled at Mother. Her eyes filled with tears even though she smiled back. We both missed Dad terribly.

Virgil was still too young to understand the magnitude of where I had been but he followed me around everywhere wearing his beautiful never-ending smile and ever hopeful that Scott would let him have some of my attention.

"What's up with you Virgie?" I exclaimed sweeping him up into my arms and laughing as he squealed with delight. "Did you miss Daddy?" I asked looking him full in the face. His smile became even wider.

"Hey." frowned four year old Scott possessively. "You're MY Daddy."

"I'm Virgil's Daddy too you know." I reminded him firmly and watched his handsome little features fall. He was such a dominating personality and he hated sharing me with anyone. I began to laugh again at the look I was getting and without warning bent down to scoop him up too.

"That tickles Daddy!" he giggled as I ran my unshaven face across his and made a complete fuss of them both.

"You spoil those two you know." came Lucy's voice from the doorway.

"Of course I do." I began, turning around to face her still holding the two boys in my arms. I immediately startled at the sight of her, arms folded, legs crossed, leaning against the wall.

She looked absolutely stunning.

She'd changed into a dazzling low-cut dress and done something special to her hair so that her chestnut curls sat loosely on top of her head, highlighting her pretty face, big brown eyes and full, sensuous lips.

The scent of lavender filled the whole room.

"You look pretty Mommy." Scott piped up next to my ear.

Her eyes met mine.

"Wow Mrs Tracy." I breathed setting the boys down on the floor and moving forward to brush her lips with mine. "You sure do."

"Wow yourself Star man." she said matter-of-factly turning away from me and taking Scott's hand. "Don't go getting yourself all worked up. We've still got kids to feed."

With that she ushered us into the dining room.

All through dinner, the two of us stared into each other's eyes hardly saying a word.

It had been two months since we'd last been together and as my eyes roved from her face to her shoulders and lower, it felt more like two years. AlI I wanted was to be alone with her; kiss that perfumed skin; let down that hair and ...

I closed my eyes, took a large gulp of my scotch, and tried to stop thinking about it.

I had to.

Across the table was Mother.

Mother was still with us for a few more days and I knew we had to entertain her. Entertaining Mother wasn't easy at the best of times but with Lucy looking as sensual as she was in that dress and my whole body aching as a result of it, it was almost damned impossible.

Every now and then I would try to make idle conversation but the whole time my lips moved Lucy and I continued to make love to each other with our eyes.

I wanted her.

She wanted me.

And Mother wanted to talk about the weather.

"Don't you agree Jeff?" came the terse and very pointed question about the current dry spell we were having in Houston. It appeared Mother had become acutely aware she was having nothing but a one-sided conversation with herself and wanted things to change.

"Huh?" I asked absently not taking my eyes off Lucy's.

"What about you young lady?" she continued.

Lucy startled and looked in Mother's direction. "Pardon me Mrs. Tracy?"

Mother rolled her eyes and admonished both of us.

"Have either of you been listening to anything I've been saying for the past half an hour?" she demanded.

We both shook our heads and looked at each other sheepishly.

"We're sorry ma'am." I replied sitting up straight and preparing to be attentive. "Now what was it were you saying again?"

Let's face it you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know what was about to happen between Lucy and me. By now even Mother had worked it out and decided the best thing she could do was excuse herself.

"By the look of you two I think I'd better make sure these boys of yours are safely tucked up in bed for the night." she announced standing up and calling Scott and Virgil to come after her.

"Yeah ...that'd be good. Thanks Mom." I replied in a vague and preoccupied voice.

"But I want Daddy to put me to bed." protested Scott folding his arms and refusing to leave the table.

"Daddy's busy." Mother said firmly.

"No he isn't!" he pouted.

"Trust me. Yes he is." she stressed hauling him out of his chair by the arm and pausing to pick-up Virgil.

All I can say is thank goodness for Mothers.

I couldn't wait to be with Lucy any longer.

I was thirty years old. She was twenty eight and the two of us had been lovers for nearly six years. Our love life had always been full and rich and good and in our time together the two of us thought we'd pretty well experienced it all. But let me tell you right now, nothing ever came close to what we experienced together the night I returned from the moon. It was passion of an intensity we had never known; pleasure we never reached the heights of again. It was complete and utter fulfilment of my love for her.

And it created what we hoped would be our baby girl.

"This one's a girl for sure." Lucy said confidently to Mother as she entered her fifth month. "I've hardly been sick at all this time you know and I was dreadfully ill with both the boys."

Mother, who was visiting us from Kansas for a week, looked dubious.

"Well I hope for your sake it is a little girl Lucille." she replied hastily. "But just remember there hasn't been a daughter in the Tracy family for over sixty years dear."

Lucy looked over at me. As far as she was concerned history counted for nothing.

"Jeff promised me a daughter when Virgil was born so this time I know it's a girl." she said patting her bump and smiling with contentment. "I can hardly wait to see what she looks like you know. I hope she looks like Jeff."

Mother didn't say anything else but her eyes said it all as she glanced uneasily in my direction. I knew what that look meant. That baby I'd given her had better be a girl if I knew what was good for me that was for sure!

The months leading up to the baby's birth were months of great turmoil and change in my life. It had now been five months since I'd returned from the moon and I had been recalled into the space programme. Pioneer Two was to be my next mission. Two more years of training, coping with the media and putting my family last.

My Father's words reared up in my mind.

"Bein' famous is one thing. Bein' true to what's important in your life is another. "

I knew the most important thing in my life was my family and now that we were to have our third child I wasn't prepared to put them last anymore. I had a beautiful wife, two very highly spirited sons who needed me around and a third one whose birth was just around the corner. Not only that, I didn't agree with a lot of the things going on in the space programme at the moment. I guess for want of a better way of putting it; I had grown up and was no longer prepared to accept the constant failures of vital equipment. NASA needed better equipment; reliable equipment; equipment that would do the job right the first time.

"Major; we all agree with you of course." drawled Colonel Casey swinging around in his executive Office chair and looking extremely bored. "But there is simply no supplier on this planet who can deliver the sort of exemplary standards you're asking me for."

Casey hated being challenged and not many people dared to do it but his apathy about things that were important had really started to get the better of me.

"Well someone should Sir." I flashed back. "I waste far too much of my time and patience testing equipment I know is substandard in the first place."

"It's your job Major." he stressed looking me straight in the eye. "So I suggest you stop complaining and go and do what we pay you to do."

It was those arrogant words that not only made me furious but also set me thinking.

I had some very definite ideas about the sort of equipment NASA needed and my Engineering background gave me the ability to design it. I was so angry with Jim Casey that day I went home and did some preliminary work of my own. After a few weeks all I could say was the suppliers we had weren't trying very hard. What I put together without too much thought was much better than what we had at the moment and after yet another disappointing failure with the new simulator which in reality would have been fatal, I opened my mouth to say so.

You know I really thought they'd listen to me but all I got for my trouble was a bawling out that I had become far too outspoken since the mission and I needed to remember my place.

"Just get on with what you're good at Major!" Casey barked with real authority. "You're in this programme to fly not argue."

My disenchantment grew. I knew what I was talking about and I knew Casey knew I did too.

It was then I spoke to my buddy Jackson Roach who had left the Space Programme after Pioneer One and returned to the Air Force. He was now a Colonel and had a fair bit of influence where it counted. My proposal was basic. If I designed equipment that was superior to what was around on the market at the moment what were the chances of the Air Force taking it on?

Jack and I were great buddies and we had become very close during our time together in the space programme. I respected him and he respected me. His answer was brief and to the point.

"Count me in." was his reply. "The Air Force is always on the look out for better equipment."

I was elated. If NASA wasn't interested in improving things, the Air Force certainly was.

Then I had to do some really hard yards.

I needed to locate someone who would manufacture for me. With the name Jefferson Tracy and still riding high on my worldwide fame, that was the easiest job of all. I soon located a supplier prepared to conform to my standards and meet the stringent time-frames I wanted to set.

My confidence grew.

I knew I could go out on my own if I was prepared to take the risk.

But I also knew I needed to provide for my young family.

It really wasn't a good time for me to be making such life altering changes, what with Lucy only two months short of giving birth for the third time and Mother living alone on a non-profitable farm. We didn't have a home of our own and I didn't want to take up Mom's offer and return to live in Kansas. I'd feel too guilty about the farm then and feel obliged to attend to it. I thanked Mother for offering to help me but said Kansas simply wasn't an option. My research indicated I needed to be close to New York if the business was to grow and the most obvious place to live appeared to be Boston.

But as I pored over house prices and all the other expenses involved with setting up a business, I started to think I was crazy for even considering it. Discontent aside, NASA really did look after my family well and the whole idea of branching out on my own was rapidly becoming a very daunting and expensive prospect.

I really needed to talk things over with someone about the risks of doing all this; someone who knew me well and could be relied on to tell me the truth. Only one person I knew fitted that bill.

Lucy.

The night I broached the subject she was lying on the couch with her head in my lap watching television. I was running my fingers through her chestnut curls with a far-away look on my face, thinking maybe I should just appreciate how lucky I was rather than wanting more out of life than what I had. After all there were worse places to work than the Space programme, more mundane jobs that paid far less money, and people much less agreeable to deal with than the indomitable Colonel Casey.

Suddenly and without warning she reached over to the coffee table and turned off the remote control.

"OK Jeff." she began matter-of-factly. "What's on your mind?"

"What do you mean Luce?" I asked in fake surprise.

She gave me that look of hers which reminded me of the first night we met and I had pretended I hadn't been looking at her from the shadows. Lucy Evans was no fool then and she was no fool now.

"Jeff ... you've been humming and haaing around me all night and I think I've been married to you long enough to know when something's bothering you and you need to talk it over with me."

Suddenly she grimaced and pressed her hand to her distended stomach

"Are you OK?" I asked with real concern as she exhaled and moved about uncomfortably.

"I'm fine. Just one too many exuberant kicks from your daughter." she reassured me before her face broadened into a wide smile.

"Looks like she's got the same intuition as me Daddy. She knows there's something wrong too."

"Well I'm afraid she's right." I confessed. "Something is bothering me Luce and it's bothering me a lot."

With that everything tumbled out of me; how unhappy I was with what was going on in the space programme, the fact Casey was reluctant to listen or improve things and finally, as I swallowed and watched her carefully ... what I'd been working on for the future.

She lay looking up at me in silence.

When she didn't comment I took it that she wasn't happy and immediately went into damage control. I didn't want to upset her and make her feel insecure so close to having the baby. I told her I knew I was probably only dreaming. I added I knew we didn't have a home to live in and that things might not work out. I shook my head and said it was a stupid idea. I told her to forget she ever heard me mention it. I'd continue to put up with the inefficiencies at the Base and stay on in the space programme. After all it was only a job and it paid the bills...

Before I could completely and utterly destroy my ambitions she reached up and placed a quieting finger over my lips.

"You said me coming to the States to live with you was a stupid idea once." she pointed out. "And it wasn't as it turned out. Right?"

"No " I replied honestly "But ..."

"No buts Jeff." she interrupted firmly. "Now you answer me this truthfully. Where do you want to be in twenty years time? Still in the space programme?"

I frowned at her.

"Hell no!" I exclaimed abruptly.

"Well where do you want to be then?" she continued. "Do you want to return to the Air Force?"

I shook my head. I'd grown out of the Air Force and Red Flag six years ago.

"All right then." she said. "So unless you can give me any other options I'm afraid you're back to your old career of being a billionaire lazing around on a tropical island."

I certainly didn't expect her to say that. Neither did I appreciate it. Here I was twisting myself inside out worrying about how I could provide for her and the kids and all she could do was make fun of me and treat things like it was all some great big joke.

"Don't be so sarcastic Lucille. It doesn't suit you." I snapped and then began to sulk.

I don't think she appreciated my tone either. Her smile faded.

"I'll have you know JEFFERSON that when I first came to live with you in Houston, YOU were the one who told ME you were going to be a billionaire." she pointed out bluntly.

I reddened. I'd completely forgotten those funny little conversations we used to have holding hands in the Houston twilight.

"I'm sorry." I murmured feeling like a total fool. "I do recall myself saying that."

Suddenly her eyes rounded in mock despair.

"Don't tell me you were lying to me!" she teased pretending to be dismayed. "Spending all your billions was the only reason I stayed!"

Yeah ...

If only you were here with me now my beautiful baby girl, you could be spending as much of my money as you liked. I'd give you all of it just to hold you in my arms again ...

Ummm...

Yeah ...

Anyway after a comment like that one I gave up trying to be serious and allowed myself to laugh.

"Is that so young lady!" I ribbed gathering her up in my arms and kissing her on the lips. "Surely my good looks, wit and charm are worth more to you than money."

"Maybe!" she giggled as I kissed her again.

"And living with two kids in an apartment block in Houston is a much better idea than lying in the sun enjoying ourselves on a tropical island." I teased, kissing her for a third time. "Right?"

"Wrong!" she corrected me with a light hearted slap on my arm. "And in case you've forgotten Mr. Billionaire, two kids are soon to be three!"

With that thought in my mind, I stopped fooling around and looked urgently into her eyes.

"That's why I need you to tell me what to do Luce." I pleaded. "All I want is for you to be happy and if you don't want to take the risk with the business I'll shelve the plans and stay on in the space programme."

As always the deep, calculating eyes analysed me carefully and her steadfast gaze returned mine.

"You've got to be happy in all this too Jeff." she said quietly. "And I know you're not and haven't been since your Father died."

After a short pause where she obviously weighted things up one last time her steady voice delivered the verdict.

"So do it then."

My face lit up with complete delight.

"You mean it Luce?" I queried almost with disbelief.

"Of course I mean it." she said seriously. "If you think you can make it in business and you know it's going to make you happy, stop doubting yourself and leave the space programme."

And that was that; no protests about insecurity or money; no complaints about moving away or having to live in another city. All she cared about was that I needed to be happy and we would all be together as a family.

And you ask me why I still miss her.

Yeah well I do.

I resigned from the space programme two weeks later and from the reaction I got from everyone involved, you would think the world had come to an end in Houston.

The hierarchy in NASA were devastated and I was unceremoniously hauled in front of Colonels and Generals all demanding to know why and asking that I re-consider. I was promised a promotion to the rank of Colonel if I stayed. I was offered even more specialised training. I was offered everything.

No-one wanted to say why.

"Major, this is a matter I didn't intend to raise with you until after Pioneer Two. "began General Harding uncomfortably. "And what I'm about to tell you has to stay within these four walls do you understand?"

I nodded my head and looked at him expectantly. Everything I'd seen and done for the past six and a half years had to be kept within four walls so what was so damned different about this?

"Err... Colonel Casey has informed me he wants to take early retirement in a few years and I've told him the only way I'll approve it is if there's someone capable of taking over the space programme. That someone is you Major. "

I stood there stunned. Now the reason for all the pressure fell into place, particularly the grilling I'd received from Casey when I'd put in my resignation. My decision would not just inconvenience the space programme. It would make a great big hole in Casey's retirement plans and he didn't like that at all.

Being promoted to the rank of Colonel at only thirty years of age and assuming full control of the space programme was a one mighty big incentive to stay and for a couple of days I shelved my plans and actually started to consider it. But I knew Casey still had at least two years left to go and there was no way I could tolerate the way things were for that long.

I stood firm and reiterated my decision to go

The media blew it all up saying I'd had a falling out with Casey. NASA issued a statement denying everything and said contrary to what was being reported Major Jefferson Tracy was leaving on good terms with both Colonel Casey and the space programme and was simply exercising "one of his many options".

Lucy and I began to make plans for the transition. I would leave the programme in December after the baby had been born and she had recovered. I travelled to Boston and put down a contract on a house. The two of us stayed up late each night planning our future and working out ways to lessen the impact on the children.

"Aren't you just a little bit scared about all of this Mrs Tracy?" I asked as we lay together in each other's arms.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't Jeff." she acknowledged. "But if we stick to our plans and live modestly we'll be OK."

Well coping with our young family moving to Boston was nothing compared to coping with the news she was about to get after life moved forward into October and she endured eighteen hours of misery and the difficult drawn out delivery of our third child.

"Please ... I'd like to be the first one to hold her." she gasped through her pain and exhaustion as the piercing wail of our newborn baby echoed throughout the delivery room.

I lowered my head not daring to make eye contact with her with as the Doctor nodded and lifted up the baby. I knew she wasn't going to like what she was about to see.

"Luce ..." I swallowed. "It's another boy."

Lucy didn't say anything but tears welled up in her eyes when she saw I was right.

I felt terrible as her face crumbled in dreadful disappointment.

"I'm so sorry baby. "I apologised watching her bottom lip shudder.

Then the tears overflowed and despite her efforts to stop them they began to roll freely down her cheeks. I looked at her with pure dismay.

"Honey ...please ... don't go getting yourself all upset." I pleaded.

She wiped her face with a trembling clammy hand.

"I'm not upset." she murmured turning her head away from me. "I'm tired."

I didn't know what else to say. This was our last baby and I had promised her when Virgil was born that the third child I gave her would be a girl. How could I have been so stupid as to promise her something I knew I couldn't control?

"I told you so Jeff." Mother berated me when she arrived at the hospital with Scott and Virgil. "Tracy men only breed boys. It's the way things are in this family."

She stopped herself at my look of complete dejection.

"And by the look of you young man, a certain young lady's not taking the news too well either."

"No momma." I replied glumly. "She isn't."

"Well that'll teach you for making promises you can't keep won't it?" she scolded. "That little girl of yours has accepted most things you've thrown her way 'till now but even I don't know how the heck you're going to get yourself out of this one."

"Neither do I" I sighed. "I've never seen her so upset about anything."

A reassuring hand then rested on my shoulder.

"All you have to do is find the right words to say to her son and let nature do the rest. You know as well as I do she's a wonderful mother and absolutely adores her little boys."

I listened gratefully to the much-needed advice and at least felt a little better when we all went inside to see her.

When we entered her hospital room she was sitting half upright and holding the baby in her arms. He was complaining a little and turning his head towards her, no doubt looking to be fed.

I braced myself. Mother had said to find the right words.

"Well," I remember saying to myself. "... here goes nothing."

"Hey there!" I said brightly. "How's my favourite Mommy?"

"Sore." she said unhappily. "You ought to try giving birth sometime Jeff."

At mother's insistent flick of the head I immediately went forward and sat on the bed, putting a firm arm around her shoulders. Scott and Virgil clamoured onto the bed too. I placed my other arm underneath hers and helped her cradle the baby.

"He's cute princess." I said kissing her gently on the forehead.

"I guess so." she shrugged petulantly.

"He's certainly different." Mother interceded coming forward and looking at him carefully. "It's actually a bit hard to see who he looks like at the moment."

"He doesn't look like anyone Mrs Tracy." Lucy sulked. "He's bald, blue eyed and another boy."

Her eyes lifted in silent accusation to mine.

I tried to pretend I didn't notice and gave her my most charming Tracy smile.

"Oh come on Luce. Lighten up huh? I know you're unhappy about it at the moment but look at him... Honey ...he's really a beautiful little boy."

She averted her face.

"I didn't say he wasn't did I? I just wanted a girl for my own sake that's all."

I sighed and looked at mother. Nothing seemed to be working. Mother's face told me to remain silent.

By and by in the minutes that followed the baby complained a little more and finally she conceded to allow him to suckle at her breast. As he did I watched her whole face soften. Mother was right. Lucy absolutely adored her babies and there was no way she wasn't going to love this one too.

"I'd like to call him John." she said looking down at his tiny swaddled frame and then at me. "Is that OK with you Jeff?"

I nodded my head in agreement. John was her Father's name and much to my own delight it was also the name of one of the most respected Astronauts the world had ever seen.

Senator John Glenn.

And so little John Glenn Tracy survived his very controversial and rocky entrance into the world and came home to join his two big brothers and an uncertain future as his Daddy prepared to leave the NASA space programme.

But according to Mother I had unwittingly started a space programme of my own.

"Dear Lord I'm sure something must have happened to you when you were up there on the moon son!" Mother exclaimed trying to remain calm as she walked up and down trying to settle a screaming, hysterical baby. "I've never heard a baby so unhappy about things in my life."

"Oh Mom leave off!" I joked holding out my arms to take him. "Nothing happened to me. He's just a different personality type to Scott and Virgil that's all."

"Different!" she exclaimed as the pandemonium continued. "He's certainly different all right. He winds himself up into a terrible state if his mother isn't holding him; frets like crazy; doesn't feed. Jeff I'm telling you ... I'm convinced ... something must have happened to you up there and what ever it was wasn't good."

"Maybe something's wrong with me." Lucy offered, tears filling her tired, sleepless eyes. "I've been worried for three weeks that my milk's not right."

"Of course it isn't you dear." Mother reassured her and then frowned at me. "It was that trip to the moon I swear. All that moon dust and lack of gravity must have altered your cell composition Jeff."

I burst into laughter.

"My WHAT Mom?" I gasped hysterically.

Mother folded her arms and gave me "the look".

"I think you know what particular cells I'm talking about young man! Do you know what I think?"

I rolled my eyes. God knows what she was thinking now.

"I think it was a bad move conceiving this baby so soon after you came back from up there. You should have taken appropriate steps to get the moon well and truly out of your system Jeff before you went anywhere near Lucy."

"MOM!" I shrieked with embarrassment. "I can't believe you just said that."

Even Lucy stood there stunned at that one.

But nothing fazed Mother. She told it like she saw it and she truly believed John's insecure nature was the product of my "cell composition" undergoing some sort of alien transformation when I was walking on the moon. The worst part was after a few more days she actually had Lucy believing her.

"Maybe your Mother's right Jeff." she pondered as we walked the floor with John three long sleepless nights later. "You have to admit he's nothing whatsoever like the others."

"Now don't you start!" I warned her. "It's bad enough listening to Mom carry on all the time."

"But NASA didn't test that when you got back." she persisted. "Maybe they should have."

I really started to get aggravated then. I'd endured medical tests of every kind when I returned to earth from the moon and I wasn't about to put myself through that too. I swore I was going to gag my Mother if I heard one more word about my cell composition.

"Lucy nothing was swimming upside down when I gave you John." I reiterated. "He's fine."

The move to Boston one month later went without a hitch and we settled into our new house in a very nice neighbourhood. It was such a change from the pokey little apartment block NASA had provided for us in Houston. The boys now had somewhere to play, Lucy planted a lavender garden like the one she used to have in England and I had to master the art of using a lawn mower.

Not that I had much time to practice.

I'd received the first orders from the Air Force and it was time to get to work.

I was keen to make an impression and worked myself to a standstill to make sure I met the promised delivery date. The date was met and the product was brilliant.

"This is just what the Doctor ordered Jeff." Jack Roach enthused. "There's no doubt you're on a winner here."

Bigger and more frequent orders came my way from the Air Force.

Requests to modify equipment soon followed. I smiled. The requests had come from NASA.

I was asked to design a new type of fighter jet. I'd always wanted to do that.

I immediately patented the design.

More orders came out of that.

I had never been busier in my life.

And as I relaxed with my wife in the lavender scented garden of our Boston home and watched my little sons play, I knew one other thing too.

Jefferson Grant Tracy had never been happier.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Stage Four - Losing Lucy

Once the hectic pace of starting a new business had eased off, I began to worry about Mother. Now that we were living in Boston she seemed to be such a long way away in Kansas. Admittedly while she was carrying on about my cell composition I would have gladly put her on the first plane to Siberia but now with John only a few months short of his second birthday I started to have thoughts as to her future and what I should do about the farm.

After eighteen months of hard and careful work Lucy and I were doing very well in the business. We'd kept the same basic lifestyle we had become accustomed to in Houston and as a result had already paid off our home. Our modest but happy life, together with our relentless efforts to build up the business now placed us in the position of being able to afford a house for Mother. We decided to take a short holiday in Kansas, discuss the future of the farm and offer to bring her to live nearby.

"Not too close." I thought to myself as I took the turn-off towards the Farm after a long and weary drive from Boston. Travelling that far with three young children had been taxing and certainly not my idea of a holiday. However I had to allow myself to smile at the irony of it all. I'd never been allowed to leave the farm to take a holiday, now here I was returning to the same farm looking forward to having one.

As the old farmhouse came into view my heart suddenly welled up with an incredible sadness. I hadn't been back here since the day of Dad's funeral and I think a part of me still hadn't come to terms with the fact that he had actually died. My old life seemed so removed from my day to day reality now, yet, as I stepped out of the car and looked around my childhood home, it seemed like I'd never been away.

I looked towards the barn. How many hay bales had I hauled in there for Dad over the years?

I looked towards the porch. How many times had the two of us sat out there at the end of a hard day in the fields and talked about life?

I looked towards the back field. I'd never forgotten that hot summer afternoon Dad sat with me on the old red tractor and awkwardly explained about becoming a man.

The old red tractor. Dad had died under it. Seeing it sitting idly in the barren wheat field upset me more than I ever thought it could.

"You sure you're OK sweetheart?" came Lucy's concerned voice.

I turned my head to look down at her only to realise why she had asked me. My thoughts had run away with me and my cheeks were wet with tears. I quickly nodded, wiped my face before the boys noticed and went to open the trunk of the car.

"Err ... yeah ... just remind me to move that tractor into the barn after we unpack will you?"

"I didn't know you could drive a tractor Daddy." a little voice piped up beside me.

My sadness faded at the awe in his tone. I looked down and smiled at my eldest son.

"Of course I can drive a tractor Scott."

"Wow Daddy." he said, his face full of admiration. "You can do anything."

"You can do anything."

Back then those three little guys really thought I could. I was their hero.

Until the day I couldn't save their mother...

Yeah ... Daddy could do anything except that.

Mother of course was delighted to have us visit and as usual had cooked up enough food to last a year. Before we knew it we were seated at the familiar old dining table talking about the kids, talking about the business and finally ... talking about farm.

Mother was fifty four now and whilst she admitted she sometimes felt lonely she was still extremely happy where she was. She faced my questions about continuing to live on the farm with a good deal of trepidation. She knew the farm wasn't making any money but she didn't really want to move to Boston to live near us either. I looked at Lucy with surprise. I thought Mother would welcome the chance to be close to her Grandsons and interfere every chance she got.

"No Jeff, you and Lucille have your own life to live now." she pointed out. "I'm happy enough here. I don't owe anybody anything and I assure you your Father left me quite enough money to live out my life comfortably."

I shrugged. Well that was one matter ironed out. Now to deal with the other one ...

"WHAT?" came her shriek of complete astonishment as I put the last piece of my plan to her for approval.

As joint owners of the farm she agreed we should supplement our income by putting the farm to good use. She also agreed we should engage caretakers to farm the land and that they didn't need to live in the farmhouse.

What she didn't agree with was who I had approached to do it; Bill and Katie Rivers, a young married couple who lived in town. Bill had been laid off from his job and I'd known the two of them for years. I felt they were ideal but Mother certainly didn't think so and she made no secret of the fact that she didn't either.

"Excuse us please Lucille." she said tightly rising to her feet and almost dragging me onto mine. "Jeff and I need to discuss this issue more thoroughly."

Her voice rumbled. "IN PRIVATE!"

With that I was hauled out of Lucy's earshot and out onto the porch. Mother swung around on me and absolutely did her nut.

"What in hell's name are you playing at Jeff?" she demanded looking me up and down almost with distaste.

"What Momma?" I asked in a tone of complete confusion. "I'm not playing at anything."

"You and Katie Rivers in a business association together? I don't think so young man."

It suddenly dawned on me what Mother was talking about. She obviously knew, how I'll never know, that Katie and I had been ... errr ... ummm...intimate. Well I suppose I may as well admit to this too. The night I was with Katie in the back of Dad's car had been my first time. I'd been eighteen. She'd been nineteen. We'd been at a dance in town and I guess things got a little heavy on the way home. But the whole thing hadn't lasted more than three minutes, had only happened once and that once was well over fourteen years ago.

"Mom it's not what you're thinking." I began hastily not even trying to deny what had happened. "Katie's happily married now just like me."

"Yes and we've all heard that one before." Mother responded and then quickly shut her mouth. Lucy had come outside to join us.

"What's wrong?" she asked as the two of us coloured with guilt. "Is there a problem with the arrangements?"

"No everything's fine Luce." I said firmly putting my arm around her and deliberately kissing her cheek. "Mother just needed me to clear up a few minor concerns she had that's all."

But Lucy was far too astute for that. She knew something was up and with all my umming and ahhing together with Mother's over-the-top reaction; it didn't take her very long to figure it out. Then the teasing really started and she just about brought me to the end of my tether as we walked together that afternoon in the warm Kansas sunshine.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me a single thing about her Jeff." she taunted me. "All this time I thought I was your first and only."

It suddenly occurs to me where Alan gets his petulant side. I reacted to that statement exactly the way he reacts when someone teases him about Tin-Tin.

I dropped her hand, stood still and folded my arms in annoyance.

"Oh come on Lucy. I was twenty four with nearly five years in the Air Force when we first met. Surely you didn't expect me to still be a virgin!"

Her mischievous eyes sparkled in the sunlight.

"No more than you expected me to be one I guess." she shrugged.

My jealous streak reared up immediately. The thought of Lucy ever being in anyone else's arms but my own really made my blood boil. My eyebrows furrowed.

"But you were weren't you?" I demanded.

"I was twenty-two when we met Jeff." she winked. "What do you think?"

With that she danced off in front of me towards the barn laughing her head off. I fumed as I strode after her. I was determined to find out if she had been or not. I only had one real fault back then and my inability to deal with the thought of another man sharing my most valuable and loved possession was it.

"Did it happen in here Jeff?" she laughed spinning around amongst the hay bales.

"Forget about me Lucille!" I spat. "I want to know about YOU!"

She gave me the naughtiest grin I have ever seen and replied.

"I'll bet you do Jeff! Well I'm afraid that's for me to know and you NEVER to find out."

You have no idea what those words did to me. She aroused a passion in me right then and there. I was the only one allowed to experience her body intimately. I was the only one allowed to know how it felt. No-one else had the rights I had. I grasped her shoulders with my hands and pressed my lips roughly to hers. All I wanted to do at the moment was exercise those rights and if she kept tantalising me like this dear Lord I was going to do it. A green mist lowered over me as I looked down at that impish face.

"Tell me damn it." I breathed.

"No." she breathed.

That was it for me. She was mine and I didn't share with anyone. Before I knew it she was lying in my arms amongst the hay bales with more than just my jealousy spent.

"Was that better than your experience with Katie?" she winked as the two of us scrambled into our clothes.

"Tell me what I want to know and I'll comment." I scowled still in a real huff.

"Not a chance!" she laughed darting out of the barn and running back towards the house.

I shook my head and watched her go. She was such a beautiful, vibrant human being and even though she made me crazy sometimes I absolutely adored her.

Yeah ...

After our holiday ended, we said our goodbyes to Mother and left Kansas to return home. Katie and Bill were now engaged to run the farm and I felt happy I had finally forced myself to deal with the issues associated with my Father's death. I returned to Boston to face a mountain of new orders.

Work took up a large proportion of my day but even though I was really busy I always made the time to gaze with pride at my three growing little men.

Scott was seven now, tall, quick-witted and extremely advanced for his age. He played ball like a superstar, conversed like an adult and his favourite word around me was always "why".

"Why do you always have to put the engine there Daddy?" he'd ask watching carefully as I designed a new aircraft.

"Well where do you think it should go?" I asked with interest. His little hand reached forward to take the pencil from mine and the childish strokes he made across the design were well thought out and confident.

Then there was Virgil. He was about to turn four and was a well built, articulate little fellow who had grown out of Scott's shadow to have strong little personality of his own. Like Lucy, he loved the piano and loved to paint. Above all he loved to be noticed and appreciated. His favourite word when I was around was always "Look".

"Look Daddy." he would say scampering down the hall after me when I came home from work.

"What am I looking at today?" I would smile crouching down beside him. He would proudly display yet another work of art lovingly painted for me and beam with delight when I said how much I liked it.

And John.

John was nearly two; a handsome blue-eyed toddler with an intelligence far exceeding his age. He was a dreamy little boy who happily climbed onto my lap in the evenings while I sat and conversed with Lucy. The only thing that spoilt him in my opinion was the fact Lucy had to be right there the whole time. His dependence worried me. I didn't think it was normal that his world completely revolved around her.

His dependence was rather inconvenient at the moment too.

Lucy had taken ill with a virus a few days after our return from Kansas and it was hard for her to make John understand he needed to let her rest so she could recover. It even got to the point where I had to start coming home from work early to amuse John while she went and lied down for a while.

This had gone on for ages and three and half months later Lucy still wasn't well.

"I just can't shake this blasted thing Jeff." she complained. "I'm tired and washed out and I just feel sick to my stomach all day long."

"You're not pregnant are you Luce?" I smirked looking up from my work. I was promptly met with a glare of disapproval and half the laundry she was folding being thrown at my head.

"Don't be stupid." she scoffed. "You know as well as I do that's impossible. I've had an implant since John was born."

I shrugged and went back to designing my new aircraft.

"Maybe you should go back to the Doctor and get another course of drugs or something." I suggested a little while later. "Surely it should have cleared up by now."

"Hmmph I probably caught this thing lying with you in amongst those mouldy old hay bales in Kansas." she sniffed. "Those things were enough to make anyone sick."

"Oh so it's all my fault now is it?" I mocked with a great big grin on my face. "I get the blame for everything!"

Oh boy wasn't that the understatement of the year.

I was about to get the blame all right. Another trip to the Doctor certainly guaranteed that.

"I can't believe it. I simply can't believe it!" she exclaimed pacing up and down in the lounge room in front of me. "How could I be nearly four months pregnant and not realise it? That implant was supposed to be foolproof!"

I wasn't quite sure what to say about that. She was the birth control expert.

"It must have happened in Kansas." I offered after quietly figuring out the Maths.

She stopped pacing and stood with her hands on her hips.

"YES it happened in Kansas Jeff and I think you and I both have a good idea where too."

Despite the fact I wasn't too pleased we'd had a mishap I couldn't help an amused smile stealing across my face.

"What's so funny?" she demanded. "I'm not laughing in case you haven't noticed."

"So we made ourselves a barn baby that afternoon huh?" I laughed. "I warned you about making me crazy Lucy. I'm dangerous when I'm jealous."

I paused and winked. "Or at least parts of me are!"

She glared at me and the pretty little English accent suddenly took on a whole new tone.

"I don't know how you can just sit there and make jokes about this Jeff. April is only five months away and there's no way I'll be ready to cope with another baby by then."

She really wasn't taking the news well. She had been so careful since the accident with Scott.

The pacing started again.

"This whole thing's most inconvenient and I still don't know how it could have happened."

I rose to my feet determined to make her stop.

"Lucy, I agree it's inconvenient but I think we both know how the heck it happened. Let's face it honey there's nothing much we can do but accept things is there?"

She looked me up and down and shook her head unhappily.

"I know we have to accept things but I still can't believe it happened! I can't Jeff!"

Mother couldn't believe it either when I told her. She was under the impression I'd seen to myself after John was born and immediately insisted I see to myself now. I told her I would when I found the time.

"You just make damned sure that you do." she instructed. "If three can mean four, four can easily mean five if you don't address the source of the problem."

But after the lecture Mother, like me, simply shrugged. It was obvious we'd been blessed with another child for a reason so it was pointless any of us getting all upset about it.

"But for goodness sake." she warned. "Whatever you do this time Jeff, don't for the life of me promise her a girl!"

I didn't need to be told that one twice. I'd well and truly learnt my lesson the last time.

Christmas came and went that year and Lucy finally came around to accepting what had happened in Kansas. She called the three boys to her side when our little "Barn baby" started to move about inside her. I watched their little faces light up with wonderment as they felt the first tiny kicks. I watched her face light up too. It made me feel so happy I couldn't keep how I felt to myself.

"I love you Luce." I whispered.

She looked down at her bump and then over at me and smiled.

"I love you too Jeff."

The New Year brought with it an avalanche of orders and I was required to travel a lot to negotiate new deals. This made me very uneasy. I didn't like to leave Lucy in her current condition and I tried to make sure I juggled things so I never spent any more than two nights away from home. Still, despite my careful time management, I somehow ended up in Los Angeles on my birthday and the surprise party she'd painstakingly planned to celebrate me turning thirty-four was ruined.

I promised to make it up to her with Dinner for two on Valentine's Day. Even though we'd now been married nearly nine years we still did the romantic little things that kept our marriage special. A candlelit dinner on Valentine's Day was one of them. Lucy was delighted with the invitation and I made sure I planned my work schedule accordingly. I made reservations at an intimate Italian Restaurant on the other side of Boston and ordered her favourite flowers.

But the fourteenth of February began with an unexpected call from New York.

"Don't worry Lucy I'll fly myself there." I said pulling on my business suit and looking around for my tie. "I'll still be back to take you out for dinner"

She stood in the doorway looking at me, her eyes reflecting her disappointment.

"Yes like you were going to be home for your birthday I suppose."

I gave her my special "Jeff Tracy smile" as I picked up my briefcase and bent to kiss her goodbye.

"Oh come on. Trust me. From now on a Tracy always keeps a promise. All right?."

A Tracy always keeps a promise. That's how I raised my boys.

Well I certainly made it to New York for the meeting but Lucy and I never made it out for Dinner.

As I sat around the conference table in Manhattan my cell phone rang. I looked about with embarrassment. I never took calls when I was in meetings and was actually quite surprised and somewhat annoyed at myself for forgetting to turn the blasted thing off.

"Excuse me please." I apologised reaching into the pocket of my suit coat. "I don't normally take calls."

I don't normally panic either.

I flew F-16's at suicidal speed in dog-fights and didn't panic.

I flew three space shuttles and took a rocket ship to the moon and didn't panic.

But I sure as hell panicked when I took that phone call.

It was the maternity hospital in Boston.

Lucy had been admitted.

The baby was in trouble.

"What ...Where ... How ..." I blubbered like a complete idiot in front of the client I'd been trying to impress for months.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." I finally managed to say.

With that I apologised, packed up everything, and fled out of the building. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I ran down the footpath trying to hail a cab. They'd said she'd fallen. They'd said she was hurt. They'd said our baby was in trouble. They hadn't said where the other children were.

I finally found myself a cab.

"The airport please." I quaked. "As fast as you can get there."

I reached back into my pocket for my cell phone as we sped towards the airport. My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't even dial the number.

"CALM DOWN JEFF!" was the command on the other end of the line when I finally managed to make the call.

"Momma ... I ... Lucy ... the boys ..." I stammered completely incoherent.

"For goodness sake son can you settle down for a minute and tell me what the hell's happened." Mother demanded exasperated.

I swallowed and tried to tell her what I knew.

"She's not due 'till April 26 Mom." I ended in a terrified voice. "What am I gonna do?"

"Well panicking like this certainly isn't what you should be doing is it?" she stressed. "The most important thing to do is get yourself back home son. I'll make some calls to the hospital for you in the meantime."

With that I tried to get my head together so I was in a reasonable condition to fly.

That trip from New York to Boston felt like the longest flight of my life.

"Please let everything be OK ." I prayed as I brought the plane in to land. "Please."

By the time I got to the hospital the baby had been delivered by caesarean section and had been listed as critical. The other three children were found to be safe and well in the hands of the nurses. Lucy was out of theatre and "stable."

"You should be very proud of your eldest son Mr. Tracy." the head nurse exclaimed looking over at Scott. "It was only because of him we were able to locate you."

The comment went completely over my head. I was in a daze of fright about the baby and worried sick about Lucy.

"Please ma'am. I'd appreciate it if you would take me to see my wife." I heaved still in a state of real panic.

The nurse nodded and invited me to follow her down the corridor.

"Of course."

"Mrs Tracy is still under heavy sedation." she said as she opened the door. "She's had a pretty nasty fall."

My heart fell as I walked into the darkened room. Lucy lay unceremoniously decked out in a hospital gown with all sorts of tubes coming out of her. Her face was pale and groggy and her eyes slowly opened and closed.

I approached the bed and stood there feeling terrible. She looked so small and vulnerable, almost like a child. I reached out and ran my hand lightly down her cheek.

"Hey baby girl." I whispered. "Can you hear me?

Her eyes moved sleepily in my direction but she didn't reply.

"I'm afraid she's still a bit out to it Mr. Tracy." the nurse said quietly from the door. "It may be a little while before she recognises you."

I nodded, calming down a little. Despite all the tubes and her heavily drugged condition at least it looked like she was going to be OK.

"What happened?" I asked turning my head towards the nurse. "Do you know any of the details?"

The nurse looked a bit vague.

"Not really but from what I've been told Mrs Tracy slipped and fell down some stairs in aparking lot. She broke quite a few of her ribs in the fall and had a lot of trouble breathing. Then her water broke on the way to the hospital and the labour started. Unfortunately the Doctor had no choice but to take the baby as quickly as possible."

I closed my eyes trying to cope with the dreadful feeling of inadequacy which came over me. She shouldn't have been out shopping on her own with all the children. I was ready to lay a bet right now she'd fallen running after one of them. My anger at myself intensified. Why couldn't I get my priorities straight? I should have been here with her.

"And our baby?" I asked worriedly.

"I think you were informed the baby was critical on your arrival Mr Tracy."

"Yes." I acknowledged turning my attention back to Lucy. "That's what I was told."

It suddenly dawned on me I didn't even know if the baby was a boy or a girl.

"A baby boy Mr. Tracy... a little under two pounds." Lucy's Doctor informed me when he came back a short time later to check on her progress. "He's doing as well as can be expected."

I felt sick to my stomach. What was that supposed to mean? It certainly didn't sound too hopeful.

"He'll be all right though won't he Sir?" I queried anxiously.

"Mr Tracy. One can never be sure with a premature baby."

The Doctor must have seen my face fall. He looked over from Lucy and re-iterated his previous statement.

"He's doing as well as can be expected. You should take a good deal of encouragement in that."

I didn't know how to react as I slumped in the chair beside Lucy's bed and tried not to succumb to the tears that pricked my eyelids. It was like life had somehow caught up with me and was asking me to pay the price for lying to our parents about Scott being premature. Now I really did know how it felt to have a premature baby. I started to worry about what I was going to say to Lucy if somehow he didn't make it. How did one cope with the death of a baby? I didn't know and as the hours passed without a word from the special care nursery, I really didn't want to know.

Finally as the clock neared nine o'clock Lucy started to come around. Her eyes focussed unsteadily on mine.

"Hey baby girl." I said in a quiet and worried voice.

She grimaced and let out a small moan.

"Everything hurts ..." she breathed.

I stroked her forehead.

"You didn't have to go and do all this to yourself just to get me to remember our date you know." I said in gentle admonishment. "I told you I'd be back."

But my pathetic little attempt at humour failed.

"The baby ..." she pushed through her lips.

I could see the distress on her face and all I wanted to do was tell her the baby was going to be all right. But I couldn't. All I could do is repeat what the Doctor had told me. I reached out my hand and squeezed hers.

"They said he's doing as well as can be expected Luce."

"He?"

I nodded my head with guilt.

"It figures." she sighed in a tiny weak voice.

"I guess you're pretty mad at me again then huh?" I asked looking pensive.

She shook her head before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "Have you seen him?" she exhaled painfully.

I lowered my face.

"No."

"Oh Jeff ..." she whispered, tears escaping from underneath her eyelashes. "What if he dies?"

"Hey ... hey ... hey." I berated her gently as she began to cry. "I'll have none of that sort of talk."

"But ..." she continued.

"No buts." I said firmly. "He's going to make it Lucy. He's a Tracy son."

I wasn't exactly sure if that meant for anything or not but hearing myself say it certainly made me feel better.

I said it to myself lot of more times too in the precarious and nerve-racking weeks that followed. One minute little Gordon was doing fine, the next minute we were told to prepare ourselves for the worst. Lucy was a mess and I have to admit I shed more than my fair share of tears too. The two of us clung to each other praying for our precious little "barn baby" to pull though. It was all we now wanted out of life.

I look at our "barn baby" twenty two years later as he grins at me from his place at the end of the table. I can't help but smile back in response. That young man has survived not one but two desperate fights for life in his time; the first as a tiny scrap of human life no bigger than the palm of my hand; the second only two years ago when I nearly lost him in that hydrofoil accident. Being a Tracy son does mean something if Gordon Cooper Tracy is anything to go by. No-one else I know has survived what he has and can still smile about life. I am immensely proud of him.

MMMMMM.

Pranks excluded of course.

However I suppose given the mischief his Mother caused that day we were in the barn together, I guess he was never destined to turn out any other way. When it comes to mischief he's Lucy to the core.

Yeah ...

It was nearly five weeks before Gordon stablised. He still wasn't able to breathe on his own and the Specialists said it would be at least another seven weeks before he could. Irrespective of that Lucy and I cried in each other's arms with relief at the news. We'd at least gotten him this far and we were very grateful for that. Gordon's struggle for life had been a terrible strain on both of us.

Mother was relieved beyond belief too. She'd hated being stuck in Kansas at a time when she felt she was needed in Boston but I had asked her not to come until I was sure she wasn't coming for a funeral. Despite her protests I assured her I could cope and was doing fine.

Given Gordon's see-sawing condition sometimes I wished I'd have taken her up on the offer. Many times I was forced to dig three sleeping little boys out of their beds in the middle of the night because Gordon had taken a turn for the worst. Despite the inconvenience and stress of it all I still think I did the right thing. I didn't want Mother to witness little Gordon fighting for his life on a respirator. The sight of it was heartbreaking and it was hard enough dealing with my own emotions and holding Lucy up without coping with Mother too.

I promised when Gordon finally came home from hospital I would arrange for her to come and see him. Once that magic day came, sixteen days after he would have been due, she couldn't get on that plane fast enough. But I swear from the moment I picked her up from the airport it was like she'd never been gone.

"Lord you're thin!" she exclaimed looking me up and down. "I knew I should have come out here earlier!"

As I have said in the past, the best way to deal with my Mother is to agree with her. Before she could start on about anything else I quickly acknowledged yes I had lost weight and it was all due to the fact that I hadn't been eating too well. My stomach had been tied up in knots for over twelve weeks and I simply didn't want to eat. I then assured her I was eating better now that "Gordie", as I affectionately called him, was home and life was returning to normal. That settled her down but as usual not for very long.

"Now while I think of it, you have gone and taken my advice haven't you?" she asked.

"What advice was that Momma?" I enquired as we turned into the drive.

"The advice you said you were going to take after you found out Gordon was on the way."

"Mom it's on my list of things to do honest. "I promised in a tired voice. "I've just been so busy with the kids and work these past few months I haven't had the time."

"Mmmmm." she frowned giving me her well practiced "Mother's glare of disapproval".

"Mom." I said defensively. "It's not as if Lucy isn't taking care of things OK?"

After that she let the matter drop and hurried inside to meet her new Grandson. She nearly expired when she saw he had signature red hair and honey brown eyes. I laughed at her look of complete shock. For once in her life she didn't know what to say.

The shock quickly wore off and before long she was absolutely taken with him. She couldn't stop saying what a beautiful baby he was. I agreed with her from the bottom of my heart. He was such a cute little guy he had me completely smitten too. But he was very hard work for Lucy. Despite the fact he was now home, he still needed a lot of special care and she wasn't coping with the extra demands at all.

The pressure of the past few months, coupled with recovering from the C-section and six broken ribs had really taken it out of her. Normally she bounced back quickly after giving birth but this time things were very different. She was tired and listless and nothing like the vivacious Lucy I knew.

Mother told me to back off and give her a bit of space.

"She's been through a lot these past few months worrying about her baby." she reminded me. "You be good to her Jeff and remember just how lucky you are."

Yes, I conceded looking around me, I was lucky.

I had a nice home, my business was making a handsome profit, and I had a perfect little family.

The business was really booming at the moment and with another heavy order being received from the Air Force I felt the time was right to expand. I had developed a lot of overseas contacts over the past few years and all of them pointed me in the direction of Asia. If I went into production there I could treble the Company profit in less than two years.

But it was going to take a lot of effort, a lot of money and a lot of risk.

I did my homework thoroughly. I studied the overseas market carefully, analysed the standard of product being sold and weighed up the risks. After a lot of research I was convinced expanding into Asia was the opportune thing to do. The Bank agreed to lend me the money.

Now I had to convince Lucy.

Expansion into Asia would require a lot of sacrifice. Family sacrifice. We'd have to go back to our frugal lifestyle of the past to pay the interest bill and put every spare cent we had into trying to pay off the capital. Thirty million dollars was a lot of money in anyone's books and the company was on the line as collateral. There was also the fact I would be away from home a lot in the early stages of production. This meant Lucy would have to cope with four kids on her own. I didn't know how she'd react to that.

I knew gaining her approval was going to take a lot more effort this time. Even though she was my business partner and would take into account what was in the best interests of the company, she would also take into account what was in the best interests of our family.

That was where it was difficult. Deep down inside I knew it was the wrong time to expand family-wise but the market was right, the price was right and I honestly felt I could handle it. But it all went down to what Lucy was going to say. Could she handle it?

I telephoned Mother and asked her if she'd mind coming over for a few days. The reason for the visit was twofold.

I needed her to take the boys off our hands so Lucy and I could talk frankly. The boys were normally good when we needed to discuss business, but this discussion was going to be a lengthy and emotional one and I didn't want any interruptions. I also didn't want the boys to hear it.

In addition I wanted some time to spend alone with Lucy. It had been four months since Gordon made his early entrance into the word and our love life was still completely on the back burner. I was exhausted from the business. She was exhausted from the children. All the two of us did was collapse into bed every night, too tired to do anything.

I wanted that to change.

Mother of course jumped at the chance to see her grandchildren again and flew over immediately. She took the three eldest children out the first afternoon she arrived. As the car pulled out of the drive, the silence in our usually rowdy house was magic.

So were the hours that followed.

We were alone for the first time in months and Gordon was asleep. I joked around and teased her. I got my usual slap for my nonsense. I looked at her. She looked at me. It didn't take too long for the spark to ignite between us and for the first time in many months the two of us relaxed and indulged in some much needed physical love together.

Then we talked about my plans for expansion in Asia.

Lucy was very uneasy about the money and extremely unhappy about the time I'd be spending away. But I pointed out that if we went for broke this time and succeeded, we'd be set for life.

"I suppose you're about to give me that lame line about being a billionaire again!" she exclaimed.

"I might." I replied with a big smile.

"Well as long as the billionaire realises he still has a wife and four kids waiting for him at home." she pouted.

I promised her faithfully the "billionaire" would keep a balance between work and life. I'd still be there for the boys when they needed me.

"Too bad about me by the look of it." came another pout.

"You?" I grinned kissing those luscious lips of hers and motioning her back towards our bed. "I'll always find time for my favourite girl!"

The mischievous grin was back as the two of us fell together amongst the lavender scented sheets.

"I'll bet you will!" she giggled.

By the end of the evening when Mother returned Lucy had agreed we should expand and two weeks later the two of us visited the Bank and signed the contracts we knew would either make or break the company. We both swallowed hard at the magnitude of our commitment. There could be no backing down now.

Production began immediately and as I anticipated I was forced to be away from home for many weeks on end. I missed Lucy and the simple life the two of us once shared. I missed my four little boys too, especially the baby who gave me so much joy. But I told myself it had to be done and rose above the feeling.

I was keen to get things going and worked hard all day, every day, seven days a week. One night, as I sat reading the financial pages of the newspaper I caught sight of the picture I had of Lucy in my hotel room. My conscience began to get the better of me.

Where was the balance I'd promised to keep between work and life?

I'd started to miss things. Things that were important to the boys. Last week-end I'd missed Scott's first baseball final where he made the home-run to win the game. The week before I'd missed the excitement of Virgil's first day at kindergarten. I only heard over the telephone that Gordon was laughing out loud..

And I'd missed things that were really important to Lucy... like our ninth wedding anniversary.

I honestly didn't mean to forget. I'd just been so caught up in meeting production targets that I'd never even given it a thought.

My Father's words rumbled in the background when I realised I'd forgotten her.

"Bein' famous is one thing. Bein' true to what's important in your life is another. "

When I rang to apologise she hardly said anything. It was obvious she was terribly hurt.

I closed down the production site and headed home from Tokyo immediately. I'd been away from my wife and family far too long and it was time to find the balance.

When I got there all she did was cry. She handed me Gordon at the front door and left me standing in the middle of the children. I looked after her with dismay as she broke down and ran upstairs to our bedroom. She'd never done anything like that before. But then ... I guessed I'd never forgotten our wedding anniversary either.

I went upstairs a few hours later to try and apologise. She was still crying her heart out and continued to cry despite my attempts to calm her down. I knew then that something else was radically wrong and when she finally stopped crying long enough to tell me, I absolutely exploded.

She was ten weeks pregnant; courtesy of our afternoon alone.

My whole body burned with anger. Five kids... three of them mistakes. Dear God I'd accepted the first mistake without complaint and married her, hell I'd even joked about the second one in the barn but the third one ... there was simply no excuse this time. She'd told me she was taking care of things and it was more than obvious now she wasn't.

I didn't care if the whole world heard me as I yelled at her at the top of my voice and demanded to know how she'd managed to slip up this time. Couldn't she remember to put a stupid pill in her mouth once a day for God's sake? Didn't she understand how much responsibility she'd already heaped on me with four of them without putting me through the hell of five? Didn't she have a brain in her head at all?

The tirade went on for nearly fifteen minutes before Lucy finally couldn't take any more. Then she started and she didn't care who heard her either. She had been taking of things. She'd just been tired and forgotten every now and then. Besides she didn't make all these babies alone. Why was it always her job to protect herself? I'd promised her after John I'd have myself seen to...and after Gordon. I wasn't the only one with responsibilities. She had all the responsibility of raising the children at the moment plus the worry of the business. It couldn't go on. I'd have to stop expansion in Asia and stay home. I told her I couldn't. She said I had to.

"I've had three babies in three years Jefferson!" she sobbed desolately. "I just can't cope anymore."

"Yeah well whose fault's that?" I flashed in fury. "You should have had enough intelligence to stop them being made!"

"How dare you say that to me!" came the devastated reply.

"You're lucky I'm not sayin' what I really want to say Lucille." I seethed.

I stormed out on her then, steaming within a red haze of fury. I banged open our bedroom door, nearly knocking it off its hinges and strode angrily down the hallway. Huddled on the stairs were Scott, Virgil and John, their little faces wide-eyed and frightened. They'd never heard us argue before.

"Get to your rooms and stay there!" I barked pushing past them. "Anyone who moves will get a caning from me!"

With that I left the house and drove myself to the nearest bar. The bottom of a scotch glass had never looked as good as it did right now.

Another Goddamn baby. More responsibility. More money.

Another drink. Things had sure been different when I was the one wanting another baby. She couldn't take those pills fast enough then.

Another drink. Where the hell did she get off?

Another drink. How dare she expect me to stop expansion and put a stop to a thirty million dollar investment? Stupid woman. She had about as much sense in business as she had in stopping herself getting pregnant.

Another drink. I should never have gotten married in the first place.

Another drink. I should have stayed in the Air Force. To hell with the moon and to hell with the Business.

And to hell with her.

"I think you've had way too much to drink Sir." the bartender said as I ordered another. "Maybe you should think about heading on home now."

My eyes struggled to focus. I couldn't go home now. I couldn't even walk.

The next morning I guiltily drove myself home, stiff and sore from a night in the car, a rotten headache into the bargain and feeling mighty damned ashamed of myself. I shuddered as I recalled our argument. I had said so many dreadful things in the heat of the moment and I knew I hadn't meant any of them.

I sat in the drive for nearly fifteen minutes trying to think of something to say to Lucy before finally finding the courage to go inside the house and face her. My hand literally shook on the door handle as I turned my key.

The front door opened and the first person I saw was Scott. He stood in the hall holding on to Virgil's hand. His dark blue eyes looked me up and down accusingly. Virgil moved closer to him and visibly cringed. He knew I'd threatened to cane him if he left his room.

"Daddy." he said in a tiny and terrified voice. "I had to come out to go to the bathroom."

My heart sank. Last night, blinded by my anger I'd only seen them as worries and responsibilities but as little Virgil bit his lip and looked like he was going to cry I came down to earth with a crash.

They were only kids.

My kids.

And I had walked out on them.

My stomach knotted.

I forced myself to endure Scott's look of disapproval and tried to speak to him a little less forcefully than I'd spoken the night before.

"Where's Mom?" I asked.

Scott looked towards the bathroom.

"Mom's in there." he replied almost sullenly. "She's not feeling very well."

I swallowed and moved in the direction of the bathroom, painfully aware there was nothing I could do but swallow my pride, apologise profusely and try to be happy about the baby. However the sight that met my eyes quickly made me realise there was going to be a heck of a lot more to it than that.

Lucy sat on the side of the bath, head down, wretched with nausea. She looked like she was going to be sick at any minute. In her arms was an unhappy little Gordon protesting loudly at being forced to drink from a bottle. Beside her was John demanding her attention and asking for his breakfast. Tears trickled in a steady stream down her cheeks as the noise continued.

The guilt at my own selfishness reared up within me. I'd forgotten how dreadfully sick she got when she was pregnant. I'd never given a thought to the fact that she'd need to wean Gordon either. Weaning him so suddenly would not only be making him unhappy; she'd be feeling miserable and uncomfortable herself. I'd forgotten just how demanding John really could be.

She had been right last night. She couldn't manage at the moment.

And I had done nothing but yell at her for getting herself pregnant again.

"Hey." I said in a quiet and guilty voice.

She looked up at me with swollen red rimmed eyes. All I saw in those devastated eyes was sadness and the remnants of her mortally wounded soul.

I strode forward to take Gordon.

"Come on little guy." I said taking him out of her arms and kissing his tiny head. "Maybe you'll learn to take a bottle a bit better if Daddy gives it to you huh?"

"Thanks." she said emotionlessly.

The tone of her voice said it all.

I'd gone too far and stupidly blown away nine years of love, happiness and mutual respect in fifteen minutes of uncivil, unwarranted outburst. Somehow I knew the word sorry wouldn't count for anything right now. No words could convey an apology of the magnitude I needed to make.

"Umm... I'll mind the kids for a while." I offered uncomfortably. "Why don't you take a shower and go lie down for a bit. I'll bring you in some tea to settle your stomach down."

I looked at John and motioned him to go. Like Virgil his little eyes filled with tears and he cowered against his Mother.

"It's OK Johnny." I assured him with a heavy heart. "Daddy didn't mean to yell at you last night."

I guess a man's entitled to make the odd mistake or two in his life but it was very apparent that morning the mistake I'd made was monumental.

The three eldest boys sat with me at the breakfast table hardly saying a word. Despite the fact I'd made enough food to feed an army, Scott and Virgil only fiddled with what I gave them and little Johnny didn't eat his breakfast at all. I guessed I didn't blame them for not having an appetite. Something like this had never happened in our home and they were very unhappy and confused.

"Daddy; whereabouts is England?" Virgil suddenly asked.

I put down my coffee and peered anxiously at my inquisitive five year old son.

"What do you want to know that for Virgil?" I asked trying to sound calm.

"Mommy said we're going to live there." he continued. "Is it a long way from here Daddy?"

The whole fabric of my being went into absolute panic. Dear Lord what had I done? Lucy was going to leave me.

My eyes filled with worried tears. I couldn't live without my little boys and I couldn't live without Lucy. I buried my head in my hand and replayed our argument over and over in my head. How could I have said those things to her? I must have had rocks in my head.

"Are you all right Dad?" Scott asked.

"Yes of course I am." I lied lifting my coffee cup to my lips and trying to stop my hands from shaking. "And to answer your question Virgil, England is a very long way from here and you definitely won't be going there to live."

"But Mommy said ..." he argued.

"Mommy's wrong." I said firmly rising to my feet. "No-one is going anywhere around here."

I looked at Scott.

"Please watch your little brothers for me. I need to talk to your Mother. "

His eyes burrowed into mine.

"Mom cried all night Dad." he said making a quiet and forceful statement.

He was very protective of his Mother.

Luckily for me I was able to convince Lucy to hear me out. I sat on our bed and fixed my repentant eyes on hers. I apologised for my behaviour ten times over. I admitted I didn't have an excuse for any of it. I had been completely selfish and irrational.

"Honey, I didn't mean any of those terrible things I said." I swallowed. "Honest."

Her eyes filled with tears and she shrugged her shoulders in silence. She obviously didn't believe me.

Then I forced myself to admit it was just as much my fault as hers that she was pregnant again. I promised her I would have myself seen to immediately. There would be no more Tracy babies ever once she'd had this one. I also promised I'd do everything in my power to be home as much as I could to help her with the children.

"But no matter what we must continue construction in Asia ." I stressed. "Our financial security completely depends on it."

"And Lucy..." I added quietly. "You know I have to be there if we want it done right."

I watched as her shoulders bowed and her head lowered.

"You still aren't listening to me Jeff." she whispered turning away from me in despair. "I said I can't cope any more and I need you here."

I grasped her hands roughly and appealed to her to try and see my side of things.

"I AM listening to you Lucy but I also need you to listen to me. What you want me to do is not that simple do you understand? If I can't be there to supervise I'll have to freeze construction and to do that is simply crazy. We still have to pay interest on the money we've borrowed."

I continued blindly.

"Honey we just can't do it. The American operations won't cover that sort of debt and feed us too."

Tears began to slide down her cheeks.

"Well if that's the way it has to be Jeff I've got no option but to leave and ask for help from my parents." she murmured in defeat .

Tears began to slide down my cheeks too.

"No Luce ... "I begged starting to sob. "Please don't say that... I love you and the boys more than anything else in the world..."

But Lucy was tired and ill and not thinking straight. She still hadn't recovered properly from the C-Section or the stress of Gordon's premature birth and all she could see was her inability to cope with the pressure of caring for yet another baby. She said she'd rather have nothing than battle on like she was. I simply couldn't get her to see sense and in the end I was left with no choice. If I wanted her to stay I had to stop the expansion in Asia and stay in Boston to help her cope with the children.

Financially things began to hurt immediately.

The interest bill on thirty million dollars was horrific and despite the American business never looking better we barely scraped up enough each month to pay it. It also didn't help that despite our apparent wealth on paper I was working myself into the ground trying to make ends meet and Lucy's health had gone from bad to worse with the worry of it. She wasn't eating anything and I started to nag her about what it must be doing to our unborn baby.

"Don't be such a hypocrite Jeff. You don't even want the baby." she flashed back.

"Lucy stop saying that." I snapped in frustration. "I've apologised a thousand times for what I said that night. You know I didn't mean it. Why can't you just let me forget about it?"

Things between us now were going from bad to worse but we still tried to act normally in front of the children. However the kids sensed the way it was and all of them, particularly John became fractious and unhappy. Four unsettled children only added to the tension.

Thanksgiving that year was headed for disaster. I couldn't afford to fly Mother to Boston to join us and with Thanksgiving dinner being a tradition in our family, I became even unhappier.

But Mother being Mother, she managed to find her own way to Boston and when she unexpectedly arrived to spend the holiday with us she was absolutely horrified.

Before I knew what had hit me she had stormed into my Boston Office and slammed the door behind her.

"Momma!" I exclaimed rising to my feet in surprise. "What the heck are you doing here?"

"More like what the HELL are you doing HERE?" she bristled. "I've just come from the house and I can't believe the dreadful state Lucille is in."

"Mom." I warned in low and dangerous voice. "Stay out of it please."

"The hell I will!" she snapped. "Do you realise how terribly thin she is? I hardly recognised her when I walked through the door."

"I know she is Momma but..."

"She's hardly got a belly on her at all this time and she's nearly five months gone! Not only that I couldn't even get a smile out of her. Too busy blaming herself for this blasted mess the two of you have gotten yourselves into with this business."

I immediately went on the attack.

"I told her we couldn't afford to freeze the Asian investments but she wouldn't listen."

Mother went on the attack too.

"And why do you think she wouldn't listen? Because those little grandsons of mine are a real handful at the moment and they need to have their Father at home that's why. It's not her fault she had to bring things to a standstill because you couldn't be bothered seeing to yourself when I told you to. It takes TWO to make a baby Jeff and don't you forget it. "

"Mom I know all that." I stressed trying to remain calm. "But the point is baby or no baby freezing things in Asia was the wrong thing to do."

"All right." she retorted. "Point taken. It was the wrong thing to do. So what are you going to do about it then? Let the one wrong decision that girl's ever made ruin your marriage?"

"Yeah well it was one hell of a mistake I think you'll agree." I scowled back.

Her eyes narrowed and her blood pressure rose. There was no way she was accepting that.

"The child knows she's made a mistake Jeff and at the moment she's in that house crying like there's no tomorrow because of it. Why can't you find it in yourself to rise above this nonsense and reassure her everything's going to be all right?"

"Because things aren't going to be all right mother." I bit through clenched teeth. "That's why."

I didn't get any further. Mother was nearly purple with rage. She pointed her finger at me and said slowly, clearly, and directly.

"By God you're lucky your Father isn't alive to see your wife in the state she's in at the moment Jefferson Tracy because if he was you wouldn't be standing up straight right now."

I dropped my head at those words. Yes I could imagine what Dad would have had to say. Like Mother said, I wouldn't be standing up straight. He warned me before I was married he expected me to treat Lucy like he treated Mother and nothing less than that would ever be acceptable to him.

I knew I should be making more of an effort with Lucy but things were tough right now and no-one understood the pressure I was under.

"Are you listening to me? I don't care about pressure. Family is everything!" she stressed. "New life isn't something you or any man on this planet has the right to fool around with. YOU put that child inside Lucille no matter how much you want to point the finger and blame things on her. YOU are her husband and it's YOUR job to make sure she's in a fit state to bring it into the world! You mark my words son, if you keep going the way you are, she's going to lose that baby and if that happens, you'll have to deal with more than just money worries young man. You'll be dealing with ME!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes Mother calmed down a little and sat herself down in the chair.

"Sit down Jefferson." she thundered.

I obeyed, too shell-shocked to argue.

"Look at me son." she demanded and waited until I lifted my eyes ashamedly to hers.

"Marriage is for keeps and that's what your Father and I expected when you put a wedding ring on that little girl's finger. Now I don't care what you have to do or what you have to say to patch things up with Lucille but you do it before this day is out do you hear me?"

I nodded in silence.

"I mean it Jefferson." she rumbled again.

I nodded again too.

"I'll see to it Ma'am." I said quietly.

"Good!" she snapped rising to her feet. "Now close down that stupid computer, put a smile on your sullen face and make an effort to put a bit of happiness back in your home. I'll be watching!"

I sat in my chair and watched her go.

She was right.

I didn't like life like this.

Sure I was worried about the money, but I was really worried about my relationship with Lucy. Things just seemed to have fallen off the rails in the past twelve months with the pressure of the two pregnancies and the plans for the business. Gone were our twilight walks and silly little conversations. Gone were the mischief and the teasing. And as I thought about it, most of reason it had gone was my fault. I'd become too preoccupied with money and possessions and was forgetting the value of the irreplaceable possessions I had.

My wife and my children.

Especially Lucy. She'd stuck by me through thick and thin; the highs and lows of my NASA career and the birth of my business. She'd taken over my responsibilities for me when my Father died. She'd given me four beautiful children and more joy and love than a man ever deserved to have in a lifetime. And how was I behaving?

I sighed. I really wished Dad was still around. He'd have never let me get to this stage. I'd hated his no-nonsense approach to life when I was young but I realised now there was a lot to be said for it. Thoughts of Dad tumbled through my mind. He'd struggled to make ends meet for years and he'd never blamed anyone for his troubles. He'd simply shouldered the burden in silence.

He'd also never gone to sleep angry at my Mother.

"Never let the sun go down on an argument Jefferson" he told me the night before my wedding. "It ain't good for a marriage."

Love, honesty and respect; simple, basic values Dad had given to me as a young man and I had completely forgotten them.

So as instructed by Mother I closed down my stupid computer, put a smile back on my sullen face and went home determined to put a bit of happiness back in our home.

I made a huge effort with the children when I arrived and they were delighted to receive my attention. I played ball in the back garden with Scott and Virgil. I read a book to John. I even offered to make dinner while Lucy bathed and fed Gordon.

Lucy made an effort to eat something over Dinner.

I tried to make conversation at the table.

Mother nodded with approval at the uneasy truce.

Later that evening instead of collapsing in front of the television as I usually did I strode across the room and held out my hand towards Lucy.

"How about taking a walk with me Luce?" I asked trying not to sound apprehensive. "It's a really nice night for it."

Lucy looked at the children and went to decline but she didn't get the chance.

"What a good idea Jeff! The fresh air will do you the world of good young lady!" Mother enthused. "Off you go dear. I'll mind the boys for you."

Lucy silently rose to her feet.

"OK Jeff. I'll just get my coat." she said quietly.

She knew she had been railroaded.

That walk ended up being the medicine our marriage needed. We were forced to talk civilly to each other for the first time in ages. At first it was awkward with both of us not wanting to say anything for fear of an argument over money or the children. We walked together side by side. I had my hands in pockets. She had hers folded protectively around her body.

"Did you manage to get the interest bill paid today?" she asked, her dead pan voice cutting the silent evening air.

"We won't have enough money in the account until Friday." I said in the same dead-pan voice.

Normally I'd make a snide remark about why there wasn't enough in the account but this time I made an effort to contain myself.

"Don't worry. The Bank can wait three days for its money. It's not as if we're not going to pay."

"If you say so." she shrugged.

We continued to walk, me still with my hands in my pockets, her still with her arms folded protectively around her body. I looked at the barely recognisable bump which sat below her folded arms. She was so thin and small.

"So how's things with you anyway?" I asked politely.

"Fine thank you."

"And the baby?"

Both of us continued to look straight ahead. We deliberately avoided eye contact these days whenever the subject of the baby was raised.

"I've got a Doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"I'm pleased to hear it. I'm worried about things as you know."

Normally she'd accuse me of not caring but for some reason this time she didn't.

"Your Mother's making me go."

I allowed a small laugh to escape from my lips, the first laugh I'd had in months. I glanced sideways.

"Well you know you'll definitely be going then don't you?"

Her face dropped in resignation before she glanced at me.

"I suppose so. She sure doesn't take no for an answer."

I nodded my head in agreement.

"No she doesn't."

The two of us went to cross the road. I put a protective arm around her as we waited for the traffic. It stayed there after I guided her across.

"Your Mother's had quite a lot to say since she arrived." she commented.

"What? ... To you?" I queried in surprise.

"To both of us I think."

I looked down at her and gave her a knowing smile. Lucy was no fool that was for sure. I allowed myself to relax a little.

"So you got the lecture too huh?"

"Yes I got the lecture." she admitted looking up at me. "Or should I say the reading of the riot act."

There was something in the way she said that which told me the Lucy of old was still there and could be coaxed out. My heart somehow lifted. Maybe ... just maybe ... we could go back to the way things were ...if I made an effort.

"And did you survive Luce?" I found myself joking. "I sure as hell didn't. Half of me is still plastered on the back wall of my office she blasted me so hard."

That brought a smile to her face.

"I can imagine."

"I guess she felt both of us needed a wake up call."

"She was right."

The two of us stopped walking and stood under the street light looking at each other in silence.

"Jeff ..." she began.

"Lucy ..." I interrupted. "We need to talk..."

The beautiful brown eyes filled.

"I know."

We walked to a nearby bus shelter and sat down together on the bench. I made a point of holding her hand in mine. The traffic hurried up and down the busy roadway and the shelter was our only light as the two of us sat and talked together for hours. At first it was careful, guarded discussion about our terrible financial situation and what we could do to keep on going. Then the conversation moved to the children and how our behaviour had been upsetting them. Finally it moved to us. I admitted I'd been acting like a complete jerk for the past three months only thinking of the business and forgetting about how all of this was affecting her.

I promised things would be different now.

She agreed we could work things out.

The two of us walked home together at four in the morning hand in hand. There still wasn't any mischief or teasing. There were still no silly little conversations. But at least we had achieved a quiet reconciliation we could build on to get things back to the way they were.

To both of us that was all that really mattered.

The last few months of Lucy's pregnancy flew and before any of us knew it March was with us and Mother had arrived for the birth of the baby.

She strode into the house and looked around with expectation written all over her face. It was obvious from the satisfied look on her face that she liked what she saw. There was a kind of happiness permeating the air. The smell of the lavender from Lucy's garden wafted through the house. Scott and Virgil giggled together as they encouraged Gordon to walk unsteadily between them. The little red haired toddler grinned from ear to ear as he tried. John was in his expected place on Lucy's lap. Mother smiled at John and ran her eyes over Lucy.

"You're looking better now dear!" she exclaimed with approval. "You've at least got a reasonable stomach on you now."

"Yes Mrs Tracy." Lucy replied shifting her weight uncomfortably. "Only seven days to go."

"And everything is all right now?" she said glancing at me.

"Of course." Lucy smiled.

Mother pulled me aside after dinner.

"You've done very well son." she acknowledged. "I'm pleased to see how quickly you've turned things around with Lucille."

"It hasn't been easy Momma." I admitted. "...especially since we're on the edge of bankruptcy."

I didn't elaborate any further. I didn't need another lecture about priority.

"Jeff as far as I'm concerned you're doing what any decent man should be doing at the moment." she stressed. "You're being a Father to your children and a good husband to your wife. Stop worrying about money for five minutes. It will only give you an ulcer."

"I know Ma'am ... but ..."

"Things will sort themselves out after the baby's born." she said firmly. "And I intend to be here to help you make it happen."

At my look of bewilderment she continued.

"I haven't said anything to you or Lucille yet but I've thought about it and I'm quite happy to stay on here for a few months and help her with the little ones while you resume production in Asia. PROVIDED..." she stressed ..."You come home to her every two weeks and call her every day."

I was so grateful to Mother I nearly picked her up and whirled her around the room. There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. We'd soon be on the road to recovery.

Yeah well ... it sure didn't work out that way.

Lucy went into labour four days after Mother arrived. She was giving Virgil a piano lesson when I first noticed something was up. She was holding her back and grimacing a bit as she offered her usual gentle instruction. However it was a good hour before she finally admitted the pain she had been experiencing on and off since breakfast was active labour. I stayed pretty calm about the whole thing despite Mother running around like a nut. Lucy had never had less than an eighteen hour labour so there was no real need to panic.

"I'll go and put your things in the car." I said leaving her to organise what needed to be done with Mother.

"The Christmas Tree's under the bed in the spare room Jeff." she said suddenly as we drove down the freeway towards the hospital. "And the decorations are in the attic."

"Christmas Tree?" I laughed. "How much pain are you in over there Luce? It's only March you know; not December."

"I ... I know." she said shaking her head and looking confused. "I just felt the need to tell you that's all."

I saw her grimace again.

"Five minutes apart." I said glancing down at my watch. "Right on schedule Mrs Tracy. Looks like we should have ourselves a baby by about errr... two thirty."

"You think you're such an expert at all this now don't you?" she shot back once the contraction was over.

"I should be." I smiled. "I've had enough practice!"

"Well this is your final encore Mr Expert so you'd better make the most of it this time!" she laughed.

"Nope this encore's all yours baby girl." I announced as we turned into the hospital parking lot. "And you're about to take centre stage."

Centre stage.

Yeah ...

Anyway... so that was that then.

I can't continue any more.

I've never talked to anyone about what happened to my Lucy in that delivery room, not even my Mother. Whenever I've tried to get it off my chest, a part of me just shuts down and goes into denial.

I can't deal with it so I don't deal with it.

I tell myself it never really happened and think about something else. I do another million dollar deal, design another fighter jet ... I do anything ... anything at all... but think about it.

But I can't do another deal sitting at this dinner table. I can't design another fighter jet either. All I can do is sit here looking straight into the faces of the most precious gifts Lucy ever gave me.

My sons.

And one son in particular.

Lucy's final encore.

Alan.

What happened didn't happen Alan.

I didn't sit there helplessly watching your Mother, the woman I loved more than my own life; endure all that suffering to bring you into the world.

I didn't hear her screaming and crying for it to be over.

I didn't see that machine monitoring your heart beat stop.

I didn't watch as that surgeon nearly cut her to pieces trying to save you.

I didn't witness your tiny lifeless body being dragged from inside her and the panic around me when they couldn't get you to breathe.

I didn't see all that blood.

But ... ummm ... Alan ...I did see it ... I witnessed all of it.

Don't sit there and look at me like that. I'm not thinking about your relationship with Miss Kyrano and frowning because I disapprove. I'm frowning because I'm thinking about the day your Mother died and trying not to show it.

Alan ...it was so hard to just sit there helpless watching your Mother suffer. I didn't know what I could do to help.

She cried desolately for the labour that had gone on and on and on to be over. I had to listen to her screaming as the pain she endured to give you life went past what she could physically cope with. It must have been so bad for her to scream. Your Mother suffered in silence giving birth to Scott and he was nearly ten pounds. You were only five. Something had to be wrong. I don't know why I didn't sense that.

Then that machine monitoring your heartbeat stopped.

My heart stopped at that moment too.

Everyone's did.

Including your Mother's. I still see the terror on her face when she realised you weren't going to make it. .

She screamed at me to do something. All she wanted was you. She didn't care about herself.

But what could I do?

That's when they ... umm... brought the surgeon in. He almost ran through the door Alan. You have no idea how frightened everyone was.

Then I watched while he... umm ... operated... Don't get me wrong. He was good and he was fast and he tried to do as little damage to your Mother as he could ... but ...umm... the labour had gone too far ... and umm ... you were too far down and they said you were going to die if they didn't get you out. I ... umm ... know that. So he had to cut ... further than normal... and further...

Then he dragged you out ... you were completely blue and your cord was knotted around your neck. Dear God Alan ...you nearly strangled to death in there because no-one realised you were in trouble.

But umm... at least you finally cried. Your Mother didn't hear you but I did. I would have cried too but my eyes were staring in horror at all the blood.

Your Mother's blood Alan.

It was everywhere.

Down the surgeon's arm, on the floor, all over you.

I didn't think a human body held that much blood until I saw it for myself.

He couldn't get it to stop.

He called for the transfusion to start.

They said it was better if I left.

Do you know how useless all this made me feeI Alan?

How inadequate I felt as a husband?

How powerless I was as a man?

How angry I feel right now? Not at you Alan ... not at the surgeon ... but at myself. I should have done more to make things better for your Mother in there.

But I didn't.

Because I couldn't.

And I've lived with that guilt for twenty one years.

I don't want to dwell too much on the end. The three hours and nineteen minutes that separated the time of Alan's birth to ... ummm ... Lucy's time of death was the worst three hours and nineteen minutes of my life.

I didn't just lose my wife at the end of those hours. I lost everything. I lost my youth. I lost my belief in God. And I lost my best friend.

For a little while I still hoped she'd make it. They said she was doing as well as could be expected as the transfusions continued. Those were the words they'd said when Gordon was fighting for his life and things had turned out OK.

But I could still see the vision of all the blood.

She'll pull through, I told myself as I sat in the corridor waiting to hear more news. She's only thirty three and we've got five kids to care for. She couldn't not make it. I didn't know how to take care of a baby... well I did ... but only to help.

Two hours passed and there was still no more news. I'd gone with the nurses to the special care nursery to receive an update on Alan. I looked at him in the incubator. He was frightfully bruised and his two little eyes were almost black. They said he was doing as well as could be expected too. I returned to the waiting room and sat looking at the floor twisting my hands together.

I didn't care about money any more, or the Company or Asia. All I wanted was for my precious Lucy to be all right.

Finally ... ummm ... the Doctor came out.

I knew what the news was before he even told me. He looked at me with some sort of pity in his eyes and it was impossible not to know what that meant. I shrank within myself as he asked me to come with him to a small room at the end of the corridor.

Then he gave me the news. He delivered it to me sensitively and it really sounded like he was sorry. Lucy had lost too much blood in theatre and wasn't responding to the transfusions. There was nothing more they could do. He figured she had about an hour left. He asked me how I wanted to say goodbye.

I looked at him stupidly. It wasn't as if I didn't understand. I just didn't believe it. This was Lucy... the most valuable thing in my life. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her. We were both still so young. I wanted us to grow old together and so far we hadn't even had the chance to watch our children grow.

"Mr Tracy?" he queried as I grappled with the news. "There isn't much time."

My bottom lip trembled as I tried to decide what to do. The only living thing I'd ever said goodbye to was my faithful old dog. I was a child on the farm when he was put down. I remembered Dad wanting to take him down to the back field to simply shoot him and Mother refusing to let him do it.

"That damn mutt has given you his heart and soul over the years Grant Tracy!" she retorted pointing a wooden spoon in Dad's direction. "He at least deserves to die with dignity."

Dad hadn't been too happy about it because of the money but Mother wouldn't hear of anything else. I still remember seeing the veterinarian arrive and looking at Mother devastated.

"You should go on down with Daddy and hold old Ralph while he dies." she encouraged. "The time comes for all of us Jeff but it's always better if there's someone special there."

I didn't want to go down to the barn but I nodded my head at my Mother and plucked up the courage to do it. I was only ten years old, but old Ralph had been around since I was a baby. He'd given me years of loyal companionship and happy memories. He'd been the only one who'd sympathised when I got a caning from Dad. I guessed I owed it to him to be there for the end.

It was the hardest thing I ever did.

The veterinarian told me to sit down next to him and stroke his head.

"Talk to him son." he said. "Talk to him like you always do."

And I did.

"Remember the day you followed me to school Ralph?" I began scratching his ears with my fingers. "You and me got in so much trouble. I had to write no dogs allowed one hundred times after school cos of you. "

Old Ralph's eyes opened and closed and his tail slowly wagged.

"That's it son." the veterinarian soothed. "Keep going."

"And then there was the day you swiped Momma's chocolate cake from the window sill and ran off down the back field. Momma still blames me for that you know."

Old Ralph's breathing was becoming shallow.

"You're doing fine."

"I'm gonna miss you boy. You're my best friend you know that? I won't have no-one to sleep on the end of my bed no more. Not that Momma knew you did huh? Them fleas came from somewhere else not you. "

Old Ralph's eyes slowly closed and I felt his body slacken. I looked up at the veterinarian.

"He's gone son." he nodded.

I looked over at my Father with tears welling in my eyes. He had a face of stone.

"Tracy sons don't cry Jefferson." he said. "Go on back to your Mother and help her with the chores."

The memory of Mother's words that day was so clear as I now faced Lucy's Doctor.

"The time comes for all of us Jeff but it's always better if there's someone special there."

"I ... umm ... would like it to be private." I managed to utter.

With that he turned away to make the arrangements. I simply stood there, my stomach churning.

Finally I pulled myself together enough to call Mother and tell her what was going on. As usual Mother told me I had it all wrong. I told her I didn't. I needed her to bring the children to the hospital immediately.

"Tracy sons don't cry." I told myself over and over again as fought back the tears I needed to shed. "I've got to be strong for Lucy's sake."

"Mr Tracy." came a compassionate voice from behind me. I turned to look at the sister in charge of maternity. Beside her was the chaplain. "Things are ready for you now."

I nodded my head and looked up at the ceiling trying to contain the tears in my eyes.

"The time comes for all of us Jeff but it's always better if there's someone special there."

I followed them both into the private room where Lucy had been taken. Alan's incubator was beside the bed where she could see him.

I don't know what I expected her to look like. I guess I figured she'd look like old Ralph did. But she didn't. She didn't look old and sick and tired of life. Her face was young and beautiful and it still was capable of so much life and vitality.

But at the moment it was pale and stained with tears.

She'd been told the news.

I stood and looked out the window while the chaplain gave her last rites. I couldn't watch. I knew I would have lost what was left of my self-control totally.

"Tracy sons don't cry. Tracy sons don't cry. Tracy sons don't cry." I murmured as the monotone of the Chaplain continued.

When it was over he placed his hand on my shoulder.

"God be with you my son." he said quietly.

I couldn't even look at him. God be with me. Was he kidding? What sort of God did this?

Then the sister gently touched my arm.

"I'd like you hold your son Mr Tracy." she said. "I want take a photograph of him with the two of you."

I shook my head and kept my face to the window. I'd already started to withdraw from the situation as my world continued to fall apart.

"Please Mr Tracy." came the insistent voice. "For your little boy's sake."

I guessed she was right. Unlike the others Alan was never going to have the privilege of knowing Lucille Amanda Evans. He was never going to hear that special laugh or see that magic smile. He would never feel those loving arms around him or receive her undivided attention. I owed it to him to at least see what he'd missed out on and what his brothers had lost.

I turned back blinded by my tears and took Alan in my arms. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and tried to smile as the photograph was taken.

"Mr Tracy ...Jeff ..." the sister began awkwardly. "As you have requested I'll leave you alone with her now. I'll be outside if you need me."

"Thank you." I managed to reply and waited until she had gone.

"Oh Luce." I sighed beginning to cry openly. "Look what you've gone and done to yourself this time."

"Dumb huh?" she breathed.

"I can't take my eyes off you for one minute can I?"

"Guess not." she replied closing her eyes and biting her lip.

"Oh Jeff ... I'm so sorry." she breathed painfully and started crying too.

Our last and most precious conversation began. She couldn't say too much and with both of us crying nothing we said was coherent anyway. All the time we spoke I could see her fading away from me. I squeezed her hand harder and harder. I didn't want to see her go.

Then Mother arrived with the boys.

The chaos in the room was dreadful. Gordon took one look at Lucy and started crying to be held. John started crying and wanted to be held too. Virgil stood there frozen; his big brown eyes filled with tears.

"Mommy." he whispered in distress.

Scott was old enough to know what death meant and completely fell apart. He laid his head on Lucy's chest and began sobbing his heart out.

"Mommy please don't leave me." he heaved. "I love you."

"No Scott ..." I swallowed as Lucy struggled to breathe.

My heart broke as he lifted his eyes to mine.

"Daddy please make Momma better." he begged. "I don't want her go to heaven."

"Please Daddy." Virgil pleaded his little chest heaving too. "You can do anything."

I started to sob myself at the sound of those fragile, heart-wrenching pleas.

Couldn't they see Daddy was just a man and couldn't do anything more than they could?

Lucy was sobbing too at their words but with noticeable difficulty. Her breathing was becoming erratic and I knew she was nearly at the end.

I asked Mother to take the children out. She didn't hear me at first she was in so much shock herself.

"Momma." I almost screamed at her. "Please!"

I didn't want my sons to see their Mother die.

The children didn't want to go and Scott was in a terrible state as Mother forced him out the door.

He wasn't the only one. I was blinded by tears and knew I had to try to pull myself together to support her.

"The time comes for all of us Jeff but it's always better if there's someone special there."

Old Ralph. He had been my best friend.

Lucille Amanda Evans ... she was more than just my best friend. She was my everything.

And like I had done with Ralph I forced myself to find the courage to hold her until the end.

I sat down on the bed and tried to wrap my arms around her. There were so many wires and tubes that it was difficult. I blindly shoved them out of the way. They weren't any good to her anymore anyway.

I began to stroke her forehead.

"Talk to her son." the voice from long-ago said. "Talk to her like you always do."

"Remember the night we first met Luce?" I swallowed smoothing her dampened curls with my hand. "You were so pretty and I was so shy. I had to hide in the shadows to build up the courage to even go over there and talk to you."

A tiny smile appeared on her face as she remembered. Her eyes slowly opened and closed.

"That's it son." the voice from long-ago said. "Keep going."

I squeezed her tighter.

"And then that day you teased me into making love to you in the barn? You did that on purpose didn't you? You have no idea how bad I wanted you that day. You made me so crazy with jealousy talking about other men I didn't know what to do."

The smile was still there but it was fading.

"You're doing fine." the voice from long-ago said.

"I'm gonna miss you baby girl." I choked. "I won't have anyone to confide in anymore, no-one to tease or have a laugh with. I'll even have to sleep by myself. That'll be strange. No more fighting over blankets huh? "

The smile was fading. My lips touched her forehead.

"I'll miss that just like I'll miss having you wake up next to me Luce. Your pretty face ... that happy smile ... I'll miss that more... "

I began to break down.

"... more than you'll ever ever know."

Those beautiful brown eyes looked weakly into mine.

"Jeff ..." she breathed so inaudibly I had to move my face next to hers to hear her.

"What baby girl?" I blubbered as my tears mixed with hers.

"You." she whispered.

"Me?" I choked.

"Only ever you."

My whole body shook with grief as I realised what she was trying to tell me. Despite her teasing about having other men before me it had only ever been teasing.

I had been her first ...and only ... and she wanted me to know that.

My lips trembled against hers as I kissed her. Her lips tasted salty ... of tears ...our tears.

"And there'll only ever be you my princess." I heaved burying my face in her hair and sobbing shamelessly. "Only ever you."

And that was the end. I completely broke down as I felt Lucy's body slowly slacken in my arms. I lifted my head to see her eyes close for the last time.

"She's gone son." the voice from long-ago echoed.

"No ..." I sobbed squeezing her lifeless body to mine. "Please God no ..."

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Author's Note :- I'll have to have a break to recover from this one! mcj

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NEXT CHAPTER

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE BILLIONAIRE - Part 3 – The Golden Years

(and what dear old Dad really does know).

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