Dark 5.3: Siezing (in) the Moment
Genesis
May 8, 2020
You take a deep breath and steady yourself. It's been almost two weeks. You need to have this conversation eventually. Can't keep dancing around him without knowing what actually happened. And thinking of the contradictions doesn't give you as much of a headache anymore. You should do this.
But you don't want to face your ex. Even if you're pretty sure you never actually dated. Even if you aren't actually interested in boys. (Although he's a special kind of boy.)
Enough stalling. You quickly knock on the door before pulling your knuckles back like it burned them.
"What?" Kekoa calls out from inside of his room.
"I wanted to talk."
You hear him get out of bed with a 'thunk' before stomping over to the door. Is he angry? Is this just how he walks? You've been trying to think about how Cuicatl must see the world. She told you your footsteps were light and you tended to move either in short bursts or in very long, continuous pacing. You aren't sure if that's a compliment or not? Or what she likes in footsteps. If she likes anything in footsteps. It makes your head hurt when you try and imagine what she would find attractive. And not in the brain damage kind of way.
The door opens. "'Sup?" Kekoa 'sups.
"I wanted to talk."
"You said that."
He's giving you nothing to work with. He doesn't look angry. Or… lustful. Just bored? Curious? You've never been good with—
—reading other people's feelings. You take a quick breath to fill your lungs. Darn it. Must have seized up again. The only sign for you is that you're a little out of breath and stuff has moved around a bit. It's just annoying like this. But if it happened away from a psychic you would probably die of suffocation without ever noticing there was a problem.
"I wanted to talk about our history."
He steps away from the door and waves you in.
His room is oddly clean. You were expecting it to be dirtier. More like Levi's. More like a boy's. (Although it still does smell like body spray in a way that's more disgusting than if he hadn't tried to cover things up.) Does that mean. No. You really shouldn't go there. Maybe he was just taught that way growing up. You can't forgive yourself and then judge someone else for the same thing.
It's good logic. You still blurt out, "Your rooms cleaner than I was expecting."
You can't even blame the brain damage. You probably would have done this before. Still embarrassing.
He just rolls his eyes. "Got bitched out by foster parents enough times that some of it sank in."
"Oh." He's also lost his parents. You can't remember if you knew that or not. Now that you do it feels like you always did, but you definitely didn't before. "I'm sorry."
"You didn't kill them."
Dead, then. Not. What happened to you. Well, you weren't expecting it to be exactly—like what happened to you, just maybe something close. And the room moved again between blinks. Stupid glitching.
"I, um, just wanted to ask some—thing." Two in a row? You know it happens when you're nervous but now you're out of breath after doing nothing at all.
"Shoot."
"We didn't, um, maybe. Kiss?"
You discovered that Shirona's sunscreen wasn't really strong enough for you after months inside. Your skin is redder now than it was the first time you woke up with a full-body burn.
Kekoa just laughs. "Holy shit, they fucked you up bad."
Is that a no? A 'yes' that you did more and can't remember?
He must see that you're confused. "We didn't kiss. Kind of hated each other, actually."
"What?" You think you remember that. But it's hazy as to why. You'd kind of thought it was because of the rooftop, but if that didn't happen then.
"Don't take it personal. Didn't like your parents."
"Oh." You take a deep breath. That makes sense. "I don't think I like my parents, either."
"Join the club. What's it like having brain damage?"
You blink. Did you glitch or did he just move between the two with no break? That's. You think that's something he would do. Maybe. It's hard to tell. Everything is just a little bit off from how you think it should be.
"The only thing keeping me alive right now is a robot pokémon." You glance up to Noci in the corner of Kekoa's room, just out of both your and Kekoa's line of sight. She can be very stealthy for a big steel-type.
"Wait, do they have to go into the bathroom with you?"
"Sometimes? Cuicatl says Noci can wait at the door and be fine but I don't want to risk it."
Kekoa makes a weird face. A grimace? Disgust? "They're way too into watching people pee."
[Unit010_10000111 Has Obtained Sufficient Data On Fluid Release;
No Further Observations Required]
"Then stop perving on people while they take a piss."
[Alarm Lvl 101: UD_Kekoa Lacks Command Privileges Over Unit010_100000111]
"Whatever. I'll get Cuicatl to order it. She has 'command privileges' or whatever, right?"
[Affirmative]
You giggle in spite of yourself. It's funny watching them go back and forth.
Kekoa sighs and turns back to you. "Sometimes I swear they're just doing this to fuck with me."
His language is coarser than you remembered. Or was he always like this? You can sort of remember some things on the trail. Is that Kekoa the real one, then? You'll have to try and focus more on that in your meditation.
"Why are you calling her a 'they?'" you ask. You aren't sure if you're doing something wrong. Cuicatl calls Noci a 'her.'
"Because they don't have a gender. Told Cuicatl that over and over. Doesn't matter; Cuicatl still misgenders them like a prick."
That. Doesn't sound like Cuicatl. Unless you're really misremembering things. Which you might be.
[Unit010_100000111 Has No Preference Regarding 'Pronouns.' Class: Feminine And Class: Neutral Are Both Acceptable]
"I think they're—she's fine with it?"
He folds his arms and looks away. His legs are crossed. Is that a girl thing? No. Stop it.
His legs have a lot of hair on them. And he just looks different in a way that you're pretty sure isn't entirely brain damage. And if he gets to ask an insensitive question.
"What's it like being on hormones?"
"Great. Beyond great. Like my body finally makes sense. Mostly makes sense." He glares down at his chest. It's maybe smaller than you remember but your memory also isn't great. "Can't wait to turn eighteen."
Oh. Do they not let you do that until you turn eighteen? You try to put yourself in his shoes. Growing up. Watching your body slowly,—unstoppably change against—your will—no matter how much you try to—why are you so out of breath?
"You okay?" Kekoa asks. He's leaning forward and his eyes are wider. His voice is way softer than usual, too. "You were glitching bad there."
You have to spend a few seconds catching your breath. Should you explain it? "Just thought about being trans and. Um. Having your body—change in ways you don't like, aware—and unable to—"
"Stop."
"Huh?" you pant. Damn it. Out of breath again.
"I get it. You think you get it and—do. Prob—body than mind."
The room is gently swirling around you. "I didn't hear that," you try to say. Instead you just groan.
"Oh shit. Uh. Noci, can you call Cuicatl over? Or Kagetora. We might have to—don't know. Get her first aid or whatever the fuck it is you do for…"
The world grows darker and darker even before you close your eyes.
You open your eyes and immediately close them again. The light. Too much.
"Noci, can you turn the light switch?"
The world is less bright against your eyelids. You cautiously reopen them with only a low groan.
"There's water and an aspirin on the table," Cuicatl says.
You reach over, fumble with the glass, and greedily pour it all down your throat. You keep tilting it up and up until the last drop finally falls out. Oliver looks at you with concern. He's so big now. You're glad for him. You gesture towards the bed and he shakes his head. Weird.
Then you turn back to Cuicatl. She's sitting up on her side of the bed. Her giant golisopod is sprawled out over his trainer's legs (and most of the bed). He idly turns towards you and stares at you with his compound eyes before yawning, showing off his four rows of knife-like teeth. Oh. That's why Oliver doesn't want to come up. The murder bug that's taller than him and three times wider. Although the murder vibe is undercut a little by his trainer stroking his armor with a toothbrush.
"Are you okay?" Cuciatl asks.
"Kind of." Your throat is parched and every word pounds against your skull.
{You sound like you have a migraine. I can help.}
"Wha?" Like, make it go away?
{No. I've had a lot. My brother had a lot. I know tricks.}
Out of the corner of your eye Noci opens the door and slips out before closing it again behind her.
{She's going to go make some coffee and get an ice pack. Staying in a dark, quiet room and trying to sleep it off is the last part.}
You continue to watch Cuicatl gently cleaning (?) her massive predatory insect. You don't get it. You, like most normal pokémon, prefer cute pokémon. Coco is cute. Was cuter when she hatched. Noci's odd but charming. You don't get Leo. At all.
"You like weird pokémon."
She smiles. Faintly. It still sends your heart fluttering. She liked your dumb, intrusive question. Statement. Whatever it was.
"The closest thing I ever had to a mother," she whispers, "was a hydreigon. For as long as I can remember I had to take care of everyone around me. She took care of me. Dragged me out to the mountains to learn her ways. Listened to me talk. Never asked for much in return. I blame her for my tastes."
That explains the first night. Shirona sent her garchomp to lie between you and Cuicatl and make sure nothing happened. You could barely sleep at all on the edge of the bed, staring at the dragon's scars, blades, and fangs. At some point Cuicatl ended up snuggled into the scaly monster with Coco curled up on her other side. The garchomp had a wing laid over them both. It was about as adorable as any image of a seven-foot dragon could be.
Cuicatl laid out her history like it's heartwarming. It's actually just really depressing.
"You didn't have parents?"
She shrugs and starts rubbing circles with her brush a little more forcefully. Her smile is gone. "My mom died giving birth. Dad was busy. It was just my brother and me, and he had better things to do than chores."
That's why she's so good at cooking and stuff. You'd never really thought to ask. That was stupid. You should have. Not the most important thing. She mentioned a few people she doesn't talk about much If ever. You aren't sure you want to ask about any of them. The answers might be bad and she seems. Not happy but. Okay. You vaguely remember that she always seems at her best when she's caring for her team or talking about them. Maybe that's true. Who knows. Certainly not your torn-up brain.
You decide not to ask. Your headache is too bad to really pay attention to your words and it seems like a serious subject. If she can read the questions from your mind, she doesn't answer them. Just keeps brushing her bug.
"Your polish is chipped." And it is. Chipped and streaked until almost nothing remains.
She flinches a little. "Is it? I'm sorry. Maybe the pool? Or. I don't know. It's not as much of a thing in Anahuac and I wouldn't know how to apply it in the first place."
"I'm not attacking you." She sounds like she's being attacked. Looks like it, too. Twisted her back and shoulders like she's a togedemaru rolled up into a ball to protect herself. "We can reapply it. Later."
Cuicatl relaxes a little. Not quite back to where she was but not as defensive. "I would like that."
You would, too. It's kind of an excuse to almost hold your crush's hand and it looks good on her. Still figuring out the ideal color. Maybe her burning through it quickly helps with that? The green you tried wasn't quite the right shade. Blood red was fun. Fit her vibe. And it looked pretty. Black worked. You're curious about white. Maybe silver? Shirona had a good collection and she said she could buy more.
The door swings open and you wince at the light. You wince harder when it practically slams shut. You look up to see Noci floating in with a few objects resting on her back, like she's a giant tray carried by an invisible waiter. She lowers herself down next to you. There's a mug of steaming brown liquid and an ice pack. Your nose scrunches up involuntarily. Coffee. You've never figured out why people like it so much.
"I told her to load it with sugar. Shouldn't be that bad."
"This helps?" And, more importantly: "She can make coffee?"
"Yes to both."
"Huh." You steel yourself and down a sip of the liquid. It's… not terrible. The aftertaste sucks but you can handle it on your tongue. Also, not that hot? Maybe Noci has cooling powers or something.
"Put the ice pack on your neck when you're done."
You're glad she's looking after you. It's sweet. Yet. With what she said.
"You don't have to take care of me."
She glances over her shoulder at you. Well. Not 'glances.' Is that just a way to show she's paying attention?
"I'll be fine. If you don't want to. You've done a lot of it and. Um. Yeah."
Maybe this was a bad idea.
"I'm fine."
It was an empty gesture anyway. You literally need her (or her pokémon) to live. Maybe you can make it up to her later? Take care of her. Not that you're very good at cooking or cleaning or anything useful. Um. Maybe you'll have to learn. But not like Miss Riv—ers tried.
"I think you should try to rest," Cuicatl says gently.
"Did I glitch?"
"Yes."
Darn it. She's right. Don't want to knock yourself out again. You're guessing that's not good for your brain.
"Alright." You gesture up to the bed but Oliver shakes his head 'no' once again. And you aren't going to have Cuicatl send her pokémon away. You reach for two of the extra pillows and wrap your arms around one. The other goes between your knees. There. This is almost like cuddling someone.
Your migraine is gone when you wake up. So are Cuicatl and her golisopod. Oliver is cautiously lying down on her side of the bed, one eye on you and the other on the door. Can't blame her. You'd have trouble sleeping in this room if you didn't know how loyal Leo and Coco were to their trainer.
You give him a quick hug before standing up. Its not like you have much scheduled out these days. Sort of just on a vacation with an indefinite end date. You're fine with that. Haven't gotten bored quite yet. Really just what you need after everything.
Lyra's in the hallway when you open the door. She abruptly stops and turns towards you. "Oh. Hi."
"Hello."
And you both stand there. She's been skirting around you the last week. Sometimes staring from the corner of the room when she thinks you won't notice. That's another thing you'll need to deal with.
"Should we talk?"
She nods. Smiling. Relieved, you think. "My room?"
"Sure."
Lyra glares at Noci at the door and the steel-type stays hovering outside when she closes it.
Her room is actually messier than Kekoa's. Not terrible, but the bed is unmade and there's a pile of clothes sitting on the ground in the corner. She sits down on the bed and leaves you the chair. Huh. A lot like Kekoa this morning.
It's probably best not to think about that. Don't want to pass out again.
"What… did you want to talk about?" Lyra's leaning forward with a small smile. Excited? You feel like you should know more about her. How to read her. But you don't.
"I wanted to try and fill some of the holes in my memory."
"Well." Her smile falters. "Do you remember me at all?"
"No."
She sighs and closes her eyes. "I was afraid of that."
"I should remember you, though?"
"I was your first kiss. I'd hope so."
Your mind makes another connection to this morning's conversation. "The rooftop?"
"Yup." And now she's smiling again. "You do remember. Just not the people in it?"
You aren't sure you want to break the exact truth to her. Even saying it aloud feels weird now that you know it definitely didn't happen like that. "Sort of." One data point filled. Now what about everything around it? "What happened after?"
Lyra raises her left index finger. And lowers it. And raises it. And lowers it. "Your parents found out."
Oh.
You don't want to think about that.
Neither does she, apparently.
"I tried to contact you afterwards but didn't have any information. Sorry."
Did you have her information? Was there some reason you didn't reach out?
Wait. Yes. You were the type of person who agreed to… that. You would have been upset with her. If it wasn't something you wanted. And she wouldn't know your thoughts to know if you wanted it. Would know if you started it. Like, um, Cuicatl. But there you thought you were dating and.
"Were we dating?" You're guessing not. Given your. Everything.
"I thought we were without ever putting that in words. I think you loved me, too, in your own way."
That sounds like a lot of words for a 'no.'
Might as well go back to the beginning. "How did we meet?"
She tells you. It's a long, winding story. Her country was destroyed. You had a nice playground to distract her. You were weird, in a good way. (In the best way, as she put it.) Individual moments stand out in your memory as tiny things you remember well for some reason. Now you know why. She's been replaced in some of them. You went to homecoming with a boy in your memories. Not her.
It's a good story. Full of twists and turns and emotion. You won't deny the power of a story. But it's just that to you. Even knowing it's all true you find it hard to really believe it with heart and soul.
"Did that job your memory?" There's so much hope in her expression. It kills you to shake your head and watch it all drain away.
"Fine. We need to talk about Cuicatl."
She won't meet your gaze anymore. Which is okay by you. Eye contact is hard and people expect it too often.
"Oh? Did something happen while you were traveling."
"I don't think so, but it would've been trivial for her to fuck with my mind so I didn't notice."
You shudder. You definitely noticed it happening. That might have just made it worse. She takes the shudder as a sign to keep going.
"When she was in your head, how do you know that she didn't alter anything? You weren't dating before, she's told me that, and then suddenly you come out sharing the same bed and—did she make you that way? I'm just trying to be sure."
You blush when she mentions sharing the bed. That one was your idea. "The bed is so I don't die." And because maybe you wanted an excuse to be near her. Even if the garchomp made it clear that you are not to be too near to her.
"You could have just borrowed her metang."
Yes. You could have. But you didn't want to. Even if Noci doesn't sleep and is way more reliable at unseizing you, you're still comforted having someone soft and human looking after you. It's not that you don't trust the metang, but that you only trust her because she's owned by someone else. You could just take out the middleman there.
She sighs when you don't answer. "Again, is that her influence? I'm just asking questions here."
"Cuicatl turned me down."
"What?"
"In her mindscape I kind of kissed her because everything was a mess and I thought we were dating."
"And that thought came from—"
"I barely remembered her," you cut her off. You know where she's going. You don't care. "I just thought that someone swooping in to save me, literally letting me into her own mind, that we might have been dating before. She told me that we weren't. That I was too loopy to make decisions. Even now she doesn't want to do anything until I don't need her to stay alive. If she was doing this to take advantage of me, she's doing it in a really weird way."
"If you're sure…" She neither sounds nor looks sure.
Suddenly your stomach roars like Coco in a loud, jarring mess of overlapping sounds.
How long has it even been since you last ate?
You actually have no idea.
Lyra shakes her head. "Well, you've given me a lot to think about. Let's pick this back up later."
"Okay."
It's not an empty promise. You probably will. You just aren't quite sure you need to. It would be nice to have another friend. But if she's going out of her way to attack one of the few people you both like and sort of remember, there are going to be problems.
May 10, 2020
Shirona bought stronger sunscreen and your burn has faded. Its safe to go outside again. Even if you're a little nervous when you feel the sun on your skin. Outside is nice. Outside is not worth spending hours trying and failing to find a comfortable position at night or having to resist the urge to tear off your peeling skin like a new butterfree leaving its shell.
Cuicatl is drying out on one of the chairs. Or maybe she's just asleep. Her eyes are closed but that might not mean anything. Her towel is only loosely draped around her shoulders. She usually dresses somewhat modestly but now you can see pretty much her entire leg. Her curves are also way more visible this way. Sometimes they get entirely covered up in her flowy outfits.
"Hi, Gen."
Not asleep, then. "How'd you know it was me?"
"Breathing."
"Explain?"
"No."
She stretches out and yawns like a fox (she had a fox, right?) waking up. Speaking of, Ferny comes walking over and you bend down to meet him. He's been spending most of his time curled up outside. Getting as much sunshine as he can after the last few months.
"Hello there."
He flicks his leaf and mews in greeting. What a sweetie.
"He says that he wants to talk."
Right. She can translate. You haven't really been using that as much as you should, but you're pretty sure she's still a little hurt from helping you. And you're already asking her to use her powers a lot as it is.
"Oh? Go ahead." You wonder what he has to say. Is he getting enough food? Does he want to play?
He hisses, growls, and even cackles out a long series of 'words.'
"I see." Cuicatl pushes herself fully upright in her seat. "You're sure about that?"
Ferny chirrups.
"May I ask why?"
This is sounding less wholesome than you were hoping for. Is he sick? There's a Pokémon Center down the road in the city. Shirona took you to help you get used to being around people again. You were recognized. It was a lot. You had to wait in the car.
"If you're certain." Cuicatl stands up in the same fluid movement she uses to pivot. "He would like to go back to your parents."
Wha—at. Why would—he want—to go—back?
In the blink of an eye Cuicatl goes from the other side of the deck to pressed against you. Her slightly damp swimsuit is making your clothes wet. She smells like salt water and lavender. Its sort of a distraction. Especially when you realize you can rest your chin on her head if you tilt it up a little. She squirms but accepts it.
Ferny. Wants—
This time you can feel her mind brushing against yours.
"Do you want to nap? You can try to deal with this later."
"No. I—need to—why does he want—"
"Deep breaths. I don't want you to pass out again."
Then she could have tried—being a little more—tactful.
"Why?" you choke out between disobediently shallow gasps for air.
"He likes their garden better and doesn't want to travel or fight when you go back on the trail."
Fight? You. Okay yeah maybe you'll pick the challenge—back up. You haven't really thought ahead to how you—make money or—anything. Oh crap. You really have—no support—a—n—d—"
You're lying down on one of the pool chairs. Did. Did you pass out again? You have a headache but it's not the same splitting migraine as last time. You can even look into the bright sky and be mostly fine.
"I could fix a few things when I saw exactly what happened."
Cuicatl is sitting up on the next chair over and looking at you with concern. Or her mouth looks concerned. Her eyes are covered by damp bangs. Ferny is perched next to her and doesn't really seem to care.
Ferny. He—wants to go back to—them.
"He saw what they—did to—me?"
Cuicatl stands up and hesitantly walks forward, one foot in front of the other, with a hand extended. You reach out and take her hand figuring that's what she wanted. And then she sits down next to you.
"He says they were nice to him."
"They were—nice to—me until—they—"
Cuicatl's mind presses against yours and spreads out around it in a strange mental hug.
"He knows."
Sir Bubbles hauls himself out of the pool and croaks. Your heart falls to the floor.
"Please tell me he's not going back, too."
"No." Thank Xerneas. "He just thinks you should let Ferny go."
And your heart drops again.
"Why?"
Cuicatl leans in to your shoulder and wraps an arm around you. Now her body and mind are both hugging you. "It's what he wants to do."
"I know—just. I thought…"
Thought what? That you were friends? You've barely talked to him. And then you abandoned him for months. That's probably what he thinks, anyway. No. Maybe you've been a terrible owner and a worse friend. Bad enough that he would leave—you for monsters. But you still have a duty to keep him safe.
"No," you whisper.
Cuicatl squeezes you a little tighter. "How far are you willing to go to change his mind?"
You freeze up as a flash of freezing pain shoots up and down your body. Is she comparing you to them? What you're doing, keeping him safe, to that?
"No. Sorry. I meant like Pixie. I, um, she met a nintetales and wanted to go. I didn't trust her. At all. Still don't. I tried to keep her away and just ended up getting her really hurt. I meant like that."
You look pleadingly at Ferny but he doesn't react at all. Fine, then. If the girl who can talk to pokémon thinks you're making a mistake, even after seeing your condition at its worst, maybe she has an idea what she's doing. Or maybe it's hard to say no to your crush when she's wrapped around you physically and mentally. Is she doing this on purpose?
"I don't want to meet with them," you whisper.
"We can have someone else take care of it."
"What if they hurt him?"
Ferny flicks his leaf and chirrups.
"He says he can defend himself."
Your father has a pyroar, vikavolt, and corviknight. Ferny was struggling with the early totems. But he's probably aware of all that, right? And he still…
"This is a terrible idea."
"Maybe we can compromise?" Cuicatl asks. You see Ferny narrow his eyes. "He stays here until we leave. That way he doesn't have to travel or fight. Maybe Shirona could even keep him here has a housesitter."
A plant fox taking care of the house. You picture him with a broom in his jaws trying to sweep things up and smile a little despite everything.
Ferny barks before walking in a circle and collapsing into a heap. You're guessing that means he's fine with it. Cuicatl confirms a second later.
Good. You're fine with him being somewhere else. Especially since this is your own fault. Just. Not with—
It's bad enough they still have custody of your siblings. You don't want to give them anything else. They took enough.
With the immediate crisis averted you can look to the future. You really need to learn more about your pokémon. About what they want. How you can help them. And what happens to you once Cuicatl has earned her Class V and this little vacation ends.
"Or," Cuicatl says. "You could go upstairs and take another nap. You were glitching a lot and I've only been able to mask some of it."
"Mask?"
You feel her mind pull away and your headache flares up a thousand times worse than it was after the talk with Kekoa. The peripheral vision of your left eye goes grayscale for some reason. Oh crap. She wasn't just doing that to comfort or distract you. Her mind presses against yours like a soothing balm and the pain recedes.
"I can't do this for much longer. Noci's already brought coffee and a cold towel up to the room. Are you okay going there?"
She says it all in the same high, lilting voice she uses to talk to Coco. Like you're a child. Maybe she's right to. She is taking care of you when you can't take care of yourself. Even if she shouldn't have to. Even if you aren't actually sure what you bring to the table here.
Maybe this is all a terrible idea and she should be with someone better.
"Are you okay going to the room?" Cuicatl asks again.
Oh. Crap. With her mind pressed against yours she can probably hear all of this, right?
"I'm going to ignore it. Brain damage. Privacy. All that stuff. And I'm not hugging you to distract you. Skin contact helps me hold your mind together."
If you want to make less work for her you could start by going inside.
"Alright. Will you need help getting up the stairs?"
"Just guide me there. Do you remember how?"
You think so? "Let you hold the elbow, right?"
"Yes."
You stand up and give Ferny a final look. You don't know what emotion it conveys. You don't know what emotion you want it to convey. He barely acknowledges it.
Fine.
This is fine.
No. No, it's not.
But you can pretend it is long enough to get to your room and fall apart there.
It's the least you can do.