A/n: My first SongFic ever. So be gentle, please? I hope you enjoy, I had fun writting this, it's sad too.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, or the song 'Asthenia' by Blink 182, from the ablum 'Feeling This' But the poem Raven writes in her note, that's all mine. So don't take it.
These are the lyrics.
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It was now ten years into the Titan's furture, no longer were they the 'Teen Titans' just the 'Titans' now that they were no longer in thier teens, but thier late twenties. Yes they still lived in that giant 'T' shaped tower, together as friends. Well most of them where friends. Robin and Starfire had been off again, on again boyfriend and girlfried, but as of the pass two, almost three years they where together. And as for the rest for the rest of them, Cyborg and Bumblebee had (finally) gotten together and just a couple of months ago, and this last one shocked all the Titans, Beast Boy had found his soulmate: Aqualad, they had been together for a year. Of course Raven always had a feeling BB wasn't only a "lady's" man, but a "man's" man as well. Last, was Raven who remained alone, and always would, as she thought.
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Raven had noticed Star's mood for the past two days. The alien was always happy, but as of late she was happier then normal. Which Raven didn't think could happen, she also noticed a change in the Boy Wonder, he seemed to be excited about something, joy fell off him in waves. She should have known something was up.
It was Firday night, which meant pizza and a movie. All seven of them, eight if you counted Speedy who was visting, where sitting around the table eating pizza and drinking soda. There was the normal chatter, four or five conversations going on at once, until Robin cleared his thoart, which got everyone's attention. He wore a smile that was a mile wide, one arm drapped around his beloved shoulders', which had a smile that mirrored his. Twelve eyes turned to them, wondering what was up. Robin stood up, but left his hand on Star's shoulder, and she covered his hand with hers.
Raven new what was coming.
Last night it came as a picture
With a good reason, a warning sign
"Well, Star and I have something to say.." He started blushing slighty.
"We're getting married!" Star finished for him.
Raven was almost knocked out of her chair, as congratulations erupted from everyone around her. She said nothing, her mouth still hanging slightly ajar. Even if she knew what was going to happen, it she was shocked into silence. For more then one reason. She felt like she was falling, she couldn't hear anyone, her world was falling to pieces.
"Raven? Raven?!" His voice brought her back, and she blinked, only to see seven friends looking at her concern etched on thier faces. "Is everything alright?" Again his voice rang out at her. "You looked upset." He concluced. 'Oh, you'd never know Boy Wonder', she thought to herself.
"I'm sorry, I'm not upset." In a moment a lie was falling from her lips. "I just wasn't expecting all these emotions,me being an empath and all, my blocks where crushed.." She laughed lightly, then smiled, of course it was fourced, but she was a good lier. "I'm happy for the both of you, I always knew you'd get married one day." The last part wasn't a lie, she may not have wanted it, but she was happy for her friends.
This set everyone off again, Cyborg clapped him on the back, and BB, Aqulad, and Speedy, all shook his hand, congratulating him again. Then they did the same to Star, only they hugged her instead, Bumblebee began to ask her questions about the wedding, when would it be, did she think of where she was going to have it. All the things that a normal person asked, which is why Raven sat there in silence for the rest of the meal. She wasn't normal. No one noticed her sudden lack of speaking, the new subject on everyone's mind was the wedding.
Once she finished eating she excused herself, telling the others she wouldn't be around much tonight, she still had to meditate, and she had a load of paperwork. Another lie, she found it was getting easier once she started. No one questioned her though, and she transported herself to her bedroom.
This place is a void of all passion
If you can imagine it's easy if you try
Believe me I failed in this effort
She had tried to deny her feelings long enough, she lied to herself, pushing what she felt for Robin into the deepest corners of her mind. But failed over and over again, these thoughts of passion always found a way to surface. She kept these thoughts to herself, Robin had Star, and that's all he'd ever need. Raven could never compare to Star and her great looks, Star could give him things she couldn't. Poor emotionless Raven, she'd never beable to show him love, or happyness. She was too dark, to creepy for anyone to love.
Raven felt like crying, and that's what she did, she flung herself onto her bed burried her head and cried. Cried for her lost love, yes after all these years she had come to love Robin. Her best friend, as they grew closer she felt her feelings toward him change. She cried for everything that didn't happened, everything that would never happened. For everything that did happened. No one knew of her feelings, she was to afraid to tell anyone. And now it was too late. Sobs rocked her petite body, and the walls moved with her.
Some objects in her room began to fall from her selves, and other began to float mindless around the room, she ingored it. The pain rolled off of her shaking everything around her, but she didn't hear the crashes on the floor, the glass as it shattered. Niether did any of the Titans, they had left right after dinner to celebrate the news. Cybrog called up to her but there was no answer, so he left with out giving it a second thought. It didn't take Raven long to trash her whole room, and only her room, her powers had stayed bond within her walls. The Goth soon fell into an uneasy sleep, hoping she'd wake up and find this all an nightmare.
I wrote a reminder this wasn't a vision
Raven woke up but an hour later, the past events hitting her like a wave, she had hoped that it was a bad dream. But her wet pillow, trashed room, where all proof that it wasn't.
This time where are you Houston
Is somebody out there, will somebody listen
She rolled onto her back to stare at her ceiling, which was painted black, just like her. She knew she couldn't tell Robin, or anyone for that matter. All she longed for was someone she could tell this too, someone to comfort her. Star, and Robin where both out of the question, for obvious reasons. She wasn't about to tell them, she didn't want to hurt them, or herself for that matter. 'Maybe Cybrog' She thought as she whiped her nose with the back of her hand, but she decieded against it. She didn't want, didn't need his pity. She was Raven, the cold. emotionless being, she didn't need anyone. Right?
'Right' replied Brave, sounding more like Timid then herself, in her mind as she pushed herself out of bed, and dried her eyes. She would not be this weak, and vulnerable. She wouldn't let him see her like that, even now that Robin was with Star, he would always matter to her. His happyness over her's. There was no turning back now, Raven was back to being cold and obsolete. Robin had helped in breaking down the walls, gave her a reason to smile, and now that he was gone, she saw no need anymore. It might have taken years to break down the barriers, but it didn't take that long for her to replace them.
Should I go back, should I go back, should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back, should I go back, should I
I hope I won't forget you
Raven found her mirrior in the mess that was her room, she was going in to block off her emotions. For good.
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- One year later -
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It was today, the binding of her two friends, she was the bride's maid, and was forced to wear pink. Other then the fact that she was watching the only man she loved, truly loved, marry someone else, and that she was wearing a pink dress, she was fine. It was long ago, when Raven closed off her emotions, locked them far within the realms of her mind. She knew it wasn't a good idea, no she didn't know the consequents, but she didn't care. She just didn't want to feel anything, and yet she did. She was just confused, but she surpressed this too. Keeping to the cold, stonefaced, expressionless person she once was.
Of course some people noticed, like Cybrog, but she didn't put him past him not to. Raven didn't tell him what was wrong, just told him she had alot on her mind. Which wasn't a total lie, she couldn't ever really lie to him. He knew she wasn't telling the truth, atleast not all of it, but left her alone, she'd tell him in her own time. Of course Robin noticed too, but Raven began to advoid him at all costs, it hurt too much to be around him. When he questioned what was wrong, she told him she had no idea what he was was talking about. Told him he was just too busy with the wedding and Star. But after today, that excuse wouldn't work.
Which is why she planned on leaving.
Raven had been sheltering herself from the other Titans, it would be easier to leave that way. That's what she told herself, it wouldn't matter in the end. Tonight would be her last night with any of the Titans, since Robin and Star would both be out of the Tower, she'd have her chance. BB and Cyborg would be too caught up in video games, or with thier lovers. It didn't matter, she'd be gone in the morning.
Raven had left the reception early, no one noticed. She had just got up and went to the bathroom, and teleported herself to her room. She changed into her leotard, and cape which were now black. Her attire had gone through some changes over the years, it was midnight blue for the longest time, but slowly that began to lighten, and it was almost white, Robin was the cause of that. But that night him and Star announced the wedding, it was back to it's orignal state by morning. Everyday after that it grew darker, starting at the bottom and working it's way to the top. Slowly, but surly, like a shadow was swallowing her whole. Which it was. The Titans had questioned, and she told them not to worry about it, that she'd figured out what caused it, when she knew all along. Depression, it was like a dark cloud that covered her mind, her trapped emotions weren't helping the problem, either.
The dark cloud settled over her, and it wasn't going to leave.
But she would make it.
She was a shadow, now.
She wanted to be in the light.
My head is made up of memories
Most of them useless delusions
The Goth fell back onto her bed with a small thud, and she sighed, looking carefully at her room. Trying to remeber every last detail, she wanted to remeber it all. Once she was sure she had it memeroized, she left her room, leaving her door unlocked, she wouldn't be returning. Raven wanted to remeber everything, even if it hurt her. So she began at the bottom of the tower and worked her way up. Through the basement, where she mind connected with Robin, to the living room. Where the Titans spent many late nights, watching movies, playing games, and laughing. The kitchen, where Robin and Raven talked in the mornings, where they shared that drunken kiss. Without knowing it, she traced her lips, trying to force down the memory. That one hurt the worst.
Every room held something, ment something. Raven remebered all the times Robin smiled at her, all the times he helped her in battle. Everytime he defended her, when the other's questioned her behavior. He understood her, her need for privacy, he hid behind a mask as well. They learned to share what troubled them, with each other. She learned about the death of his parents, and how he grew up with Batman. In turn, he learned about Trigon, and her mother, who didn't want her either. He learned why she had to supress her emotions, about the demon that was within her. There was the training room, where he taught her hand-to-hand combat, so that if her powers ever failed, so would have something to fall back on. Raven was touched by the fact that wanted to make sure she was safe. She made her way through every room, and every floor, staying only a few moments.
Finally, she was on the roof, and memories came rushing in, stronger then before, her emotions were trying to break the cages she put them in. Raven walked to the edge, and looked at Jump City beneath her, the skyline, the setting sun, she'd remeber that. She slowly fell to her knees, giving into her to her emotions for a moment. She remeber the time Robin had joined her on the roof, it was a few days after she went into his mind, he had come to thank her. Raven, assured him that his secerts where safe with her, and that she didn't know his identity. It was then when an idea hit her, she would teach him how to meditate, she knew it could help him.
They had spent the night on the roof together, even after they were done meditating, the two sat there and just talked until she had fallen asleep. Robin had removed his cape and used it as a blanket to cover the too, he was too tired to do anything else. Raven awoke to find herself in Robin's embrace, her head was on his chest, and one of his arms was wrapped around her, protecting her. It was then she started to fall in love with him.
Everything Raven thought meant something, everything she thought was pointing too how he felt the same about her. But she was wrong, everything was just some fanasty she made up in her mind. She'd go to Nevermore, and sit there and think about him. Make up fansties, him kissing her, holding her long into the night.. He completed her, Robin gave her a reason to live. But nothing was like it seemed, he wasn't hers, and never would be.
Something splashed on her, and she falling back to reality. Realizing what she was doing she pushed all of her emotions away, and back into the cages. Raven stood calmy, and wiped the tears from her eyes, and used her powers to fix what she had knocked out of place. Water contuined to fall on her, it was raining, the heavans were crying.. because she couldn't.
There was just room left for her to visit. And that was going to be the end.
This room is bored of rehearsal
And sick of the boundaries
I miss you so much
Raven was now standing outside his bedroom door, staring at it, but not moving. There was noise below her, the other Titans had returned. Speedy and Aqualad would be staying with them for a week, to make up for Robin and Star. And soon enough, Raven too.
She took a deep and shaky breath before she was lost in her magic, and re-appeared on the other side of the door. From there she could still here the noises below her, a certian meta-human was calling her name and making his way towards the stairs. Raven just leaned against Robin's door, her eyes shut, she needed to do this, she had to do this. She was better off this way. The steady beat of his footsteps came closer, and she held her breath. He paused outside of Robin's door for a moment, Raven could sense him standing there, she sensed something else, but she didn't know what it was. Nor did she care at the moment. 'Just a few more feet!' She thought, Raven's door was just a few feet away from Robin's.
Cybrog moved the few feet, to Raven's door and was about to knock on the door, when a piece of paper caught his eye.
It was a note from Raven, it was in her handwritting, that script that flowed across the page.
(A/n: The Note:) 'Look, I know I left early, but I had to keep my emotions in check, they were going haywire from the excitement. I just needed to get away, don't worry. I'll be out later on, just don't bother me. Please.'
She heard him sigh, and mutter something to her door, she could just barely make it out. 'Raven, I'm here for you.' That would have broke her heart in two, if she had one left. But she didn't, so it didn't matter. An image Cybrog, the half man, half metal, her big brother flashed through her mind. Followed by Beast Boy, and every one else important in life. It was the Raven she used to be, her last, feeble attempt to get her to stop. It failed. She had to leave, she missed him too much.
Should I go back, should I go back, should I
I feel alone and tired
Raven turned around only to see his neatly made bed, and a wall full of newspaper clipping. She looked harder, they were ones of Slade, she could have sworn that she had helped Robin put them away... Raven began to walk closer to the wall, but they weren't there anymore. The drugs were kicking in, and she was going to lose this fight. She shook her head, lavander locks blurred her vision. She turned back around and walked to his desk, and found what she was looking for. A piece of a paper and a pen, she pulled out the desk chair and sat down, unsure of what to write.
She decided on a poem, and began too write. Her printing flew across the page, knowing this was her only chance. The one last time to express what she truly felt. Her time was ending, she could feel her body giving in.
(A/n: Poem:)' Did you know,
You where my shining star?
My only will to live?
You kept me moving, and never let me fall
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But now that you've left me
There's no one there at all
I never wanted to admit it
I never wanted to seem weak
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But you, Boy Wonder
Were all of this to me.
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Your smile lite up my life
It keep me from the darkness
You laughter keep me from
That namless abyss
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You kept me sane
When the demons came
I fought them just for you
You the one and only, my only one
---
Boy Wonder,
I love you.
---
But now all this is feelting,
Everything is falling away
My life is wripping at the seams
---
No longer can you save me
Because you're fading fast
You don't need me in you in your life
You've found your one and only at last
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I want you to be happy, both of you
I truly do.
So this is what has happened
I've lost the will to live
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I can't take it anymore
I've lived in this fanasty way too long
---
I'm sorry if I hurt you guys
I didn't mean too
All my snide remarks
I wish I could take them back
---
But I can't, so this creepy bird's
Gonna fly just on last time
Just remeber
You guys, I love you too.
---
You were my family, my friends.
I'm sorry for all that I put you through.
Please don't forget me
'Cause I'll never forget you' (A/n: End poem)
Should I go back, should I go back, should I
This time I don't want to
Should I go back, should I go back, should I
I feel alone and tired
Raven ended it with a flurish, and a sniffle from her nose. She put the pen down, and wiped her eyes, reading over what she wrote. She hoped it did her justice, and explained how she felt. She didn't bother to re-write it, she knew the tears stains would dry soon enough. She stood and looked back down at her work, Raven picked up the pen once more, and underneath her poem she wrote 'Quote the Raven Nevermore', she knew Robin would be her play on words.
Should I go back, should I go back, should I
I hope I won't forget you
Turning from the desk she looked around the room, knowing it was time. She felt a sadness, that she never felt before, stronger then anything, but that was it. Raven yawned and walked over to the bed, surprised at herself that she was so calm about this, but then again, she was sure her depression was surpressing anything that could stop her, and the drugs helped. Even all her emotions thay were calling out to her, calling her a coward.. Telling her she was stronger then this, she would be able to get over it. There were other ways to handle it..Rage wasn't even working. Raven had lost the will to live. She crawled onto his bed, and rested her head on his pilliow. Breathing in his faint scent, old spice, she was lost in it. Raven took off her cloack, and hung it on the bed post, then crawled under his sheets. She curled herself into a ball, arms wrapped around his pilliow.
"Richard Grayson, I love you."
She said to the walls around her, it felt nice to say his name outloud. Raven only muttered it to herself in the dead of night sometimes. But never outloud like this, a smile tugged at her lips, a real one, as she slowly let her eyes slip. Knowing this was good bye.
"Garfield Logan, Victor Stone you guys were the best, I'm sorry.." She trailed off, her voice become softer with each passing second. "Kory Anders.. you're the best friend a girl could ask for. Even if I never showed it, to any of you, I'm glad I became a Titan..."
A single tear leaked out of her eye, and landed on Robin's pilliow. Darkness buzzed around her vision, with the loss of her emotions, and depression she was too weak to go on, so the whole bottle of sleeping pills would kill her. Her healing powers couldn't save her, nothing could. Not even the demon in her, she was wearing her powers thin, caging all of her emotions, and not meditating. It was taking it's toll. There was one last thought in her head 'I wonder if I'll see Terra in Hell?' She smirked, but it soon twitched into a smile.
Over the next five minutes, her breathing slowed, and her heart had finally stopped beating. The bastard half demon was no more.
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A/n: There is two versions to this story, this one where Raven dies, and a different happier ending. Originally, it was going to be the happier ending, but then I decided against. But my sister, who I read all my work to wanted the happier ending. So 'Chapter 2' will have this other ending. '---' You can ignore, because my compie's an ass.