A/N: Picture, if you will, a dimension where Buffy and Spike are still
Buffy and Spike, but not really. A dimension where one of them is the
slayer, but it's not Buffy. Roped in yet? That's not the end of it. What if
our favorite pair gets sent to this other universe and the other pair gets
sent to theirs. Wackiness would surely ensue right? I guess you'll just
have to find out. I've changed a few things to accommodate the Spike that's
the slayer. This first chapter is just a general background of what his
life was like. It basically follows the same lines as Buffy's except Angel
is in place of crazy Dru and Dru is in place of Angel. Riley is not Riley,
but a girl version of the hated Captain Cardboard. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did Riley would have died a slow painful death maybe at the hands of a very hot very soulful bleach blonde vampire
Distribution: Go ahead. Ask first
Spoilers: some for most of the seasons of Buffy, but Spikeitized. If you haven't seen seasons 1-6 of Buffy, although I can't imagine how you could be reading this fan fiction if you haven't, beware.
Chapter 1:
Spike treaded through the graveyard. He had done this more then once in his life time and he would definitely have to do it again and again and again. Thus was his sacred duty. Directed by the Powers that Be themselves. He was chosen.
The chosen one. . . or well not really, but the original. It wasn't fair. Nothing in his life was really fair and hadn't been for awhile. Nothing was ever easy for Spike. His life was never easy. There was a time when he accepted that at face value. He had done everything he could to protect Dawn. His time had been up.
Why did they have to be so selfish and bring him back here?
Hell his ass. Why would they think he ended up in hell? Had he not died saving the world? They ripped him out of heaven and now that they knew he was supposed to be strong so they could feel all guilty. Right that's a great existence to come back to. They were his friends. His best friends and the only real friends he had or had ever had.
They cared and he cared about them. Before becoming the slayer Spike didn't have any friends. He was a geek and the butt of mostly everyone's jokes at Hemory. After finding out that he was doomed to live a life tragedy and death he had changed his look a little and started acting out.
He hated the stupid destiny and he hadn't even had a chance to be introduced properly to it. He disregarded everything his first watcher, Merreck, tried to teach him. He killed all the things that went bump in the night, but that didn't mean he had to like it. His grades naturally slipped due to the lack of sleep and attendance at school. One day he went home dressed in all black and with his hair died to look something akin to a Billy Idol do and his mother almost had a heart attack.
His behavior toward school changed the most. He was no longer sniffling William Summers who ran away scared from everyone. He got into fights knowing he had an unfair advantage, but not caring. Most of his battle scars came from disgruntled classmates rather then vampires. One in particular was the nice criss-cross scar above his right eyebrow was received from a fairly big football player with a class ring.
If it wasn't bad enough that he was all of a sudden this even bigger freak, his parents fought more then anyone and shouted loud enough for the whole street to hear. Some fights were about him, but others were about stupid things. Spike knew where they were headed, but didn't like it. That's when drinking started.
Alcohol can really impair a slayer's performance and while he was out he almost got himself killed and got Merreck killed. Sure Merreck's last words to him were that he was a great slayer and did things his own way which was great and that it wasn't his fault, but Spike couldn't help but think it was.
So he changed slightly. He tried to be centered on killing the forces of evil, but it just didn't work out that way. He got into even more trouble then when he wasn't trying. When he was finally expelled from Hemory, for setting the school gym on fire, his parents were divorced, he was living with his mom and she moved them to Sunnydale.
He changed his look to a more conservative one although he kept bleaching his hair. He liked the look. Good old Sunnydale was supposed to be about fresh starts, but it turned out to be worse then LA. Sunnydale was located on a Hellmouth. That meant bigger then evil then just the once in awhile vamp.
But Sunnydale offered something that Spike never had: friends. He met Xander first. Xander and Jesse had been very friendly towards him. Willow had been somewhat shy and later Spike figured out that it was because Willow had a crush on him.
The popular girl Cordelia tried to make him her little project, but he had declined. He had too much history with jocks and cheerleaders to just let all of that go and try and fit in with their group.
He also met Giles there who ended up turning into his second father considering his didn't give a damn about him. Spike had first tried to stay away from slaying, but within two days he was already involved in the extra slaying activities. Sunnydale also gave him one more thing.
Dru. Drusilla the vampire cursed with a soul had first been sort of a co- worker, then a friend, and then a girlfriend.
Life was hectic though. No it could never be easy for the slayer. Things always had to be thrown in his face. You think life's going perfect then something massive happens. First you have to fight the Master Vampire and although you've already killed one this guy is big business. You die and another slayer gets called. Kendra.
Then your girlfriend looses her soul and goes all evil joining up with her psycho friends. Angel and Buffy sort of like the Bonnie and Clyde of the vampire world. He was a bit of a whack job and she was just too damn confident and annoying. So you fight them join up forces with Buffy to take down Dru.
The conditions being you get Giles and you don't warm her precious Angel. Then you send your girlfriend to hell to safe the world even though you find out last second no thanks to your best friend Xander that she has a soul.
Then you run away from home and become an assistant to a mechanic. After that happens you met up with some former vampire groupie named Lily, save her life from the forces of evil while getting sent to a hell dimension even though you swore not to get mixed up in those things any more.
You let her keep your small apartment and go back home. You try doing the normal thing. Hey you're cleared from the murder of Kendra who was killed by Angel so why not. Try getting a normal girlfriend and what happens. Your formal vampire girlfriend is sent back from hell. Yeah starting to not like this life give it a couple of more years.
You get lovey dovey with your ex again despite the weird looks given by your family and friends. Another slayer comes, Faith, and turns out to like evil better then good. The mayor comes up with a plan to ascend into a demon and eat everyone at your high school while you just want to do the normal thing and go with your friends to Prom with your girlfriend.
Then she breaks up with you saying that you need a normal life. She gets shot with poisonous arrows and you have to save her. Then you fight the huge battle, win of course, and she leaves. Here comes the hard part.
College. If you thought high school was evil try studying for a huge psychology exam and fighting the forces of evil that just happen to be your new roommate. Being a grown-up is definitely harder then being a kid. Mysterious men from the government all of a sudden make a guest appearance and an old acquaintance pops up.
You end up having a girlfriend who is in this little government branch called the Initiative. Rene Finn. The government really has no business trying to fight the forces of evil and definitely doesn't have any business trying to assemble a half-human half demon army. Although it gave one good thing, Elizabeth the Bloody got a chip in that annoying head of hers and can't hurt anyone. Sometimes you gotta love Sunnydale and sometimes you gotta hate it.
Don't think that's the end do you? Soon, but not yet. You start year five of your life slaying demons and up pops a sister. Dawn. It turns out she's some mystical key that opens a hell dimension and a very strong very powerful. But not so bright hell god wants her so she can go back home.
Your girlfriend leaves you for the government. Buffy tells you that she's in love with you.
Your mom dies.
You're finally forced to run away from the hell god.
She gets Dawn.
You die to save Dawn and go to a nice heavenly dimension where you're happy.
Your friends pull you out of there.
You have no idea what you're going to do with your life and you have no money. The only person you can be around is an evil soulless vampire that claims to be in love with you.
A sing demon comes to town trying to take Dawn.
You lose your memory, call yourself Randy, and find that it's easier to do that.
Your best friend Willow goes off the deep end with magic and gets Dawn hurt.
You become invisible.
Then you have to work at the Doublemeat Palace and smell like meat.
And not only do you have to do this you can't stop hanging around the vampire that's in love with you, you also have sex with her. Over and over and over and over and over again.
Hate this life yet. Oh yeah you do.
"What do you want?" Spike said as he walked passed a tombstone. He can feel her. For some reason now she gives off a different vibe then just a regular vamp. It used to be like that with Dru. Spike isn't really up for her tonight. He had just been going through another round of my life sucks in his head.
"Alright so you caught me."
Buffy says coming out of the shadows. He never really pays attention, but tonight he can see the pale tone in her skin very brightly. Her long blonde hair is flowing in her face and it seems dead which it is. She's wearing black leather pants, a shiny red halter-top and the coat. The legendary duster she got for killing her second slayer.
That's right Spike. Remind yourself she's a killer. Hopefully it works this time. Spike thought as he walked closer to her.
"So what do you want?" Spike asked her with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"What you want, luv."
"I'm not in the mood today. Stressful day at work."
"Looks pretty quiet right now." Buffy said looking around the graveyard.
Spike rolled his eyes at her. "My real work. You know the one where I have to wear the funny hat."
"Tha's not your job. Tha's something you have to do ta keep social services off your back. 'S beneath you." Buffy said as she walked closer to Spike.
"It's still a job and it's very stressful." Spike said not moving from his spot even though his mind screamed for him to get away. "
I can think 'f cuppla ways ta relieve stress." Buffy said moving her hand up and down his thigh.
"No, no not tonight, Buffy. I have to get home tonight. I haven't exactly earned the best brother in the world award lately. I haven't even been good enough to be considered a candidate. I should really get home."
"The bit can take 'f herself. S'not like she needs Big Brother ta take care of her. I know that she is fully capable of being home alone. She is sixteen." Buffy said not moving her hand.
"That's not the problem. I'm trying to be the good brother who cares. So far I haven't been there for her. The whole klepto incident doesn't help any. I need to be around." Spike said slowly losing his resolve.
Think about Dawn. She needs you to be there for her. You can't spend anymore time with the bloodsucking fiend. It takes your mind off of things for awhile, but in the long run it's hurting you. Spike reasoned with himself. It was getting harder and harder to ignore her hand though.
"You're a good brother. A cuppla hours aren't going ta make a difference. If you don't want to then I'll just leave. But you gotta tell me that loud a clear because your mouth says one thing," Buffy said then cupped him with her hand, "but your body says something totally different."
"I can't." Spike whispered in a hoarse voice. Not that he really he didn't want to. He so did want to, but he couldn't.
"Can't or won't." Buffy whispered in his ear.
"Little bit of both I guess." Spike said.
"No I think it's won't. I know you can." Buffy said seductively.
Okay where's your resolve. It's has to be here somewhere. Come on just because she's touching you there. . . oh she knows just where to touch you. God that feels . . . no it doesn't feel good. It feels bad. Oh who the hell are you kidding? Spike thought as he gulped and opened his eyes.
He wasn't sure at what point they had closed on him, but they had. He knew they must be clouded and lust filled.
"So whas' it gonna be." Buffy said looking into his eyes already knowing his answer.
Spike lowered his head and crushed his lips against Buffy's. The kiss was forceful and bruising, full of need. Buffy was glad that she didn't need to breathe, but almost forgot that Spike did. He pulled away from her for a second.
"We have to get to your crypt." Spike said in a rough voice.
"Why there's plenty 'f room out here." Buffy said.
"It's dirty out here. People might see."
"Who the dead?"
"I just don't want to do it out here."
"Okay, but it'll take longer."
"I don't care." Spike said crushing his lips to Buffy's mouth again and pushing her towards her crypt.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spike walked inside his house trying to be quiet. He didn't want to wake anyone. It was midnight when he finally convinced Buffy to let him go in peace. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't help it. There was just no way to say no to her.
Being with her made him feel alive made him feel at all. He had been an empty shell when he got back. He still was, but at least now he found a way to stop feeling so helpless. Guys had meaningless sex all the time so why not.
He walked up the stairs and was about to go inside his room when he heard, "You're home late as usual."
Spike turned around to see Dawn standing in the doorway of her room.
"I tried to get home earlier, but patrol was kind of tedious." Spike said lying easily.
"Yeah either that or you didn't want to be around me." Dawn said in a hurt voice.
"No Dawnie, I just. . ." Spike put his hands to his head and massaged his temples.
"Things have been really hard lately, but I promise that they will get better. I know I haven't exactly been the best brother these past few months. . ."
Dawn snorted and said, "That's the understatement of the year."
"I know. I'm trying, but being back getting used to everything is going to take some time. I can't just be okay because someone snaps their fingers and orders me to be." Spike said with more bitterness then he intended.
"I know that things have been hard for you, but maybe they wouldn't be so hard if you talked to someone. Anyone at all. It would be better then staying like this. You don't even talk to Willow and Xander anymore. Least of all me." Dawn said trying to reach out to her brother.
"I'm the one that is supposed to be listening to you talk. You're not supposed to take care of me. I'm supposed to take care of you." Spike said.
"We need to take care of each other. We are all we have. You're closing yourself off though. You're not letting anyone in." Dawn said.
Yeah you are. Just not the right person. Why can't you talk to you're friends. Why is the only person you can talk to dead? Don't you think that says something about your character?
"Look Dawn it's late and I'm tired. Can we talk about this in the morning?" Spike said trying to get out of talking to his sister. If he did that she would be able to see the guilt on his face.
"You're always tired or you always have to do something else. I thought you said that you were going to at least try." Dawn said angrily.
"I am trying. It was just a long day at work and with patrol. I just don't want to burden you right now." Dawn looked at her brother with a hurt expression.
"Why because I'm just your kid sister? Because I don't even matter." Dawn said trying to fight back tears.
"No. . . yes . . . I mean sort of. No what I mean is that you're my little sister and I don't want you to have to listen to my stupid problems. Not because you don't matter. You do matter." Spike said walking over to Dawn and trying to hug her. Dawn moved away.
"Burdening me with your problems is better then scaring me. Sometimes I wonder if you're even going to come back after patrol. You don't want to be here so why not go and get yourself killed." Dawn said not bothering to keep her tears in anymore.
Spike gave her and incredulous look.
"No Dawn I would never leave you again."
"Oh right." Dawn said. Spike grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him.
"Listen to me. Everything I do is for you. No matter if you can't see it right now it is. I'm fucked up Dawn. Right now I don't know what the hell I'm doing. If I didn't have you I'd probably be on the streets right now doing God knows what. The only reason I stay alive is because of you." Spike said grabbing his sister and hugging her tightly.
Dawn's crying became louder. She didn't realize that Spike was in that much pain. He never cursed in front of her. He tried to make it a priority not to.
"I'm sorry I was being selfish. I just want my brother back." Dawn said quietly.
"I'll try to find him." Spike said hugging her closer to him. They stayed like that until it was really late. Dawn had school in the morning so Spike let her get some sleep and went off to his room to enjoy another sleepless night.
A/N: what do you think? Have I hit gold or should this have stayed in my head. Keep in mind that this is just an overview of what the Slayer Spike went through during his Slayer life. The action will happen soon. That is if you review. This might get shelved if there's no interest in it. I already have two stories running and if no one likes this one then I'll have to just put it aside. So review.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did Riley would have died a slow painful death maybe at the hands of a very hot very soulful bleach blonde vampire
Distribution: Go ahead. Ask first
Spoilers: some for most of the seasons of Buffy, but Spikeitized. If you haven't seen seasons 1-6 of Buffy, although I can't imagine how you could be reading this fan fiction if you haven't, beware.
Chapter 1:
Spike treaded through the graveyard. He had done this more then once in his life time and he would definitely have to do it again and again and again. Thus was his sacred duty. Directed by the Powers that Be themselves. He was chosen.
The chosen one. . . or well not really, but the original. It wasn't fair. Nothing in his life was really fair and hadn't been for awhile. Nothing was ever easy for Spike. His life was never easy. There was a time when he accepted that at face value. He had done everything he could to protect Dawn. His time had been up.
Why did they have to be so selfish and bring him back here?
Hell his ass. Why would they think he ended up in hell? Had he not died saving the world? They ripped him out of heaven and now that they knew he was supposed to be strong so they could feel all guilty. Right that's a great existence to come back to. They were his friends. His best friends and the only real friends he had or had ever had.
They cared and he cared about them. Before becoming the slayer Spike didn't have any friends. He was a geek and the butt of mostly everyone's jokes at Hemory. After finding out that he was doomed to live a life tragedy and death he had changed his look a little and started acting out.
He hated the stupid destiny and he hadn't even had a chance to be introduced properly to it. He disregarded everything his first watcher, Merreck, tried to teach him. He killed all the things that went bump in the night, but that didn't mean he had to like it. His grades naturally slipped due to the lack of sleep and attendance at school. One day he went home dressed in all black and with his hair died to look something akin to a Billy Idol do and his mother almost had a heart attack.
His behavior toward school changed the most. He was no longer sniffling William Summers who ran away scared from everyone. He got into fights knowing he had an unfair advantage, but not caring. Most of his battle scars came from disgruntled classmates rather then vampires. One in particular was the nice criss-cross scar above his right eyebrow was received from a fairly big football player with a class ring.
If it wasn't bad enough that he was all of a sudden this even bigger freak, his parents fought more then anyone and shouted loud enough for the whole street to hear. Some fights were about him, but others were about stupid things. Spike knew where they were headed, but didn't like it. That's when drinking started.
Alcohol can really impair a slayer's performance and while he was out he almost got himself killed and got Merreck killed. Sure Merreck's last words to him were that he was a great slayer and did things his own way which was great and that it wasn't his fault, but Spike couldn't help but think it was.
So he changed slightly. He tried to be centered on killing the forces of evil, but it just didn't work out that way. He got into even more trouble then when he wasn't trying. When he was finally expelled from Hemory, for setting the school gym on fire, his parents were divorced, he was living with his mom and she moved them to Sunnydale.
He changed his look to a more conservative one although he kept bleaching his hair. He liked the look. Good old Sunnydale was supposed to be about fresh starts, but it turned out to be worse then LA. Sunnydale was located on a Hellmouth. That meant bigger then evil then just the once in awhile vamp.
But Sunnydale offered something that Spike never had: friends. He met Xander first. Xander and Jesse had been very friendly towards him. Willow had been somewhat shy and later Spike figured out that it was because Willow had a crush on him.
The popular girl Cordelia tried to make him her little project, but he had declined. He had too much history with jocks and cheerleaders to just let all of that go and try and fit in with their group.
He also met Giles there who ended up turning into his second father considering his didn't give a damn about him. Spike had first tried to stay away from slaying, but within two days he was already involved in the extra slaying activities. Sunnydale also gave him one more thing.
Dru. Drusilla the vampire cursed with a soul had first been sort of a co- worker, then a friend, and then a girlfriend.
Life was hectic though. No it could never be easy for the slayer. Things always had to be thrown in his face. You think life's going perfect then something massive happens. First you have to fight the Master Vampire and although you've already killed one this guy is big business. You die and another slayer gets called. Kendra.
Then your girlfriend looses her soul and goes all evil joining up with her psycho friends. Angel and Buffy sort of like the Bonnie and Clyde of the vampire world. He was a bit of a whack job and she was just too damn confident and annoying. So you fight them join up forces with Buffy to take down Dru.
The conditions being you get Giles and you don't warm her precious Angel. Then you send your girlfriend to hell to safe the world even though you find out last second no thanks to your best friend Xander that she has a soul.
Then you run away from home and become an assistant to a mechanic. After that happens you met up with some former vampire groupie named Lily, save her life from the forces of evil while getting sent to a hell dimension even though you swore not to get mixed up in those things any more.
You let her keep your small apartment and go back home. You try doing the normal thing. Hey you're cleared from the murder of Kendra who was killed by Angel so why not. Try getting a normal girlfriend and what happens. Your formal vampire girlfriend is sent back from hell. Yeah starting to not like this life give it a couple of more years.
You get lovey dovey with your ex again despite the weird looks given by your family and friends. Another slayer comes, Faith, and turns out to like evil better then good. The mayor comes up with a plan to ascend into a demon and eat everyone at your high school while you just want to do the normal thing and go with your friends to Prom with your girlfriend.
Then she breaks up with you saying that you need a normal life. She gets shot with poisonous arrows and you have to save her. Then you fight the huge battle, win of course, and she leaves. Here comes the hard part.
College. If you thought high school was evil try studying for a huge psychology exam and fighting the forces of evil that just happen to be your new roommate. Being a grown-up is definitely harder then being a kid. Mysterious men from the government all of a sudden make a guest appearance and an old acquaintance pops up.
You end up having a girlfriend who is in this little government branch called the Initiative. Rene Finn. The government really has no business trying to fight the forces of evil and definitely doesn't have any business trying to assemble a half-human half demon army. Although it gave one good thing, Elizabeth the Bloody got a chip in that annoying head of hers and can't hurt anyone. Sometimes you gotta love Sunnydale and sometimes you gotta hate it.
Don't think that's the end do you? Soon, but not yet. You start year five of your life slaying demons and up pops a sister. Dawn. It turns out she's some mystical key that opens a hell dimension and a very strong very powerful. But not so bright hell god wants her so she can go back home.
Your girlfriend leaves you for the government. Buffy tells you that she's in love with you.
Your mom dies.
You're finally forced to run away from the hell god.
She gets Dawn.
You die to save Dawn and go to a nice heavenly dimension where you're happy.
Your friends pull you out of there.
You have no idea what you're going to do with your life and you have no money. The only person you can be around is an evil soulless vampire that claims to be in love with you.
A sing demon comes to town trying to take Dawn.
You lose your memory, call yourself Randy, and find that it's easier to do that.
Your best friend Willow goes off the deep end with magic and gets Dawn hurt.
You become invisible.
Then you have to work at the Doublemeat Palace and smell like meat.
And not only do you have to do this you can't stop hanging around the vampire that's in love with you, you also have sex with her. Over and over and over and over and over again.
Hate this life yet. Oh yeah you do.
"What do you want?" Spike said as he walked passed a tombstone. He can feel her. For some reason now she gives off a different vibe then just a regular vamp. It used to be like that with Dru. Spike isn't really up for her tonight. He had just been going through another round of my life sucks in his head.
"Alright so you caught me."
Buffy says coming out of the shadows. He never really pays attention, but tonight he can see the pale tone in her skin very brightly. Her long blonde hair is flowing in her face and it seems dead which it is. She's wearing black leather pants, a shiny red halter-top and the coat. The legendary duster she got for killing her second slayer.
That's right Spike. Remind yourself she's a killer. Hopefully it works this time. Spike thought as he walked closer to her.
"So what do you want?" Spike asked her with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"What you want, luv."
"I'm not in the mood today. Stressful day at work."
"Looks pretty quiet right now." Buffy said looking around the graveyard.
Spike rolled his eyes at her. "My real work. You know the one where I have to wear the funny hat."
"Tha's not your job. Tha's something you have to do ta keep social services off your back. 'S beneath you." Buffy said as she walked closer to Spike.
"It's still a job and it's very stressful." Spike said not moving from his spot even though his mind screamed for him to get away. "
I can think 'f cuppla ways ta relieve stress." Buffy said moving her hand up and down his thigh.
"No, no not tonight, Buffy. I have to get home tonight. I haven't exactly earned the best brother in the world award lately. I haven't even been good enough to be considered a candidate. I should really get home."
"The bit can take 'f herself. S'not like she needs Big Brother ta take care of her. I know that she is fully capable of being home alone. She is sixteen." Buffy said not moving her hand.
"That's not the problem. I'm trying to be the good brother who cares. So far I haven't been there for her. The whole klepto incident doesn't help any. I need to be around." Spike said slowly losing his resolve.
Think about Dawn. She needs you to be there for her. You can't spend anymore time with the bloodsucking fiend. It takes your mind off of things for awhile, but in the long run it's hurting you. Spike reasoned with himself. It was getting harder and harder to ignore her hand though.
"You're a good brother. A cuppla hours aren't going ta make a difference. If you don't want to then I'll just leave. But you gotta tell me that loud a clear because your mouth says one thing," Buffy said then cupped him with her hand, "but your body says something totally different."
"I can't." Spike whispered in a hoarse voice. Not that he really he didn't want to. He so did want to, but he couldn't.
"Can't or won't." Buffy whispered in his ear.
"Little bit of both I guess." Spike said.
"No I think it's won't. I know you can." Buffy said seductively.
Okay where's your resolve. It's has to be here somewhere. Come on just because she's touching you there. . . oh she knows just where to touch you. God that feels . . . no it doesn't feel good. It feels bad. Oh who the hell are you kidding? Spike thought as he gulped and opened his eyes.
He wasn't sure at what point they had closed on him, but they had. He knew they must be clouded and lust filled.
"So whas' it gonna be." Buffy said looking into his eyes already knowing his answer.
Spike lowered his head and crushed his lips against Buffy's. The kiss was forceful and bruising, full of need. Buffy was glad that she didn't need to breathe, but almost forgot that Spike did. He pulled away from her for a second.
"We have to get to your crypt." Spike said in a rough voice.
"Why there's plenty 'f room out here." Buffy said.
"It's dirty out here. People might see."
"Who the dead?"
"I just don't want to do it out here."
"Okay, but it'll take longer."
"I don't care." Spike said crushing his lips to Buffy's mouth again and pushing her towards her crypt.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spike walked inside his house trying to be quiet. He didn't want to wake anyone. It was midnight when he finally convinced Buffy to let him go in peace. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't help it. There was just no way to say no to her.
Being with her made him feel alive made him feel at all. He had been an empty shell when he got back. He still was, but at least now he found a way to stop feeling so helpless. Guys had meaningless sex all the time so why not.
He walked up the stairs and was about to go inside his room when he heard, "You're home late as usual."
Spike turned around to see Dawn standing in the doorway of her room.
"I tried to get home earlier, but patrol was kind of tedious." Spike said lying easily.
"Yeah either that or you didn't want to be around me." Dawn said in a hurt voice.
"No Dawnie, I just. . ." Spike put his hands to his head and massaged his temples.
"Things have been really hard lately, but I promise that they will get better. I know I haven't exactly been the best brother these past few months. . ."
Dawn snorted and said, "That's the understatement of the year."
"I know. I'm trying, but being back getting used to everything is going to take some time. I can't just be okay because someone snaps their fingers and orders me to be." Spike said with more bitterness then he intended.
"I know that things have been hard for you, but maybe they wouldn't be so hard if you talked to someone. Anyone at all. It would be better then staying like this. You don't even talk to Willow and Xander anymore. Least of all me." Dawn said trying to reach out to her brother.
"I'm the one that is supposed to be listening to you talk. You're not supposed to take care of me. I'm supposed to take care of you." Spike said.
"We need to take care of each other. We are all we have. You're closing yourself off though. You're not letting anyone in." Dawn said.
Yeah you are. Just not the right person. Why can't you talk to you're friends. Why is the only person you can talk to dead? Don't you think that says something about your character?
"Look Dawn it's late and I'm tired. Can we talk about this in the morning?" Spike said trying to get out of talking to his sister. If he did that she would be able to see the guilt on his face.
"You're always tired or you always have to do something else. I thought you said that you were going to at least try." Dawn said angrily.
"I am trying. It was just a long day at work and with patrol. I just don't want to burden you right now." Dawn looked at her brother with a hurt expression.
"Why because I'm just your kid sister? Because I don't even matter." Dawn said trying to fight back tears.
"No. . . yes . . . I mean sort of. No what I mean is that you're my little sister and I don't want you to have to listen to my stupid problems. Not because you don't matter. You do matter." Spike said walking over to Dawn and trying to hug her. Dawn moved away.
"Burdening me with your problems is better then scaring me. Sometimes I wonder if you're even going to come back after patrol. You don't want to be here so why not go and get yourself killed." Dawn said not bothering to keep her tears in anymore.
Spike gave her and incredulous look.
"No Dawn I would never leave you again."
"Oh right." Dawn said. Spike grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him.
"Listen to me. Everything I do is for you. No matter if you can't see it right now it is. I'm fucked up Dawn. Right now I don't know what the hell I'm doing. If I didn't have you I'd probably be on the streets right now doing God knows what. The only reason I stay alive is because of you." Spike said grabbing his sister and hugging her tightly.
Dawn's crying became louder. She didn't realize that Spike was in that much pain. He never cursed in front of her. He tried to make it a priority not to.
"I'm sorry I was being selfish. I just want my brother back." Dawn said quietly.
"I'll try to find him." Spike said hugging her closer to him. They stayed like that until it was really late. Dawn had school in the morning so Spike let her get some sleep and went off to his room to enjoy another sleepless night.
A/N: what do you think? Have I hit gold or should this have stayed in my head. Keep in mind that this is just an overview of what the Slayer Spike went through during his Slayer life. The action will happen soon. That is if you review. This might get shelved if there's no interest in it. I already have two stories running and if no one likes this one then I'll have to just put it aside. So review.