The song is called 'Somewhere In Between' and is by Lifehouse. This will only consist of one part. I'm kind of a Lucy/Carter fan and might write some other stories on them depending how this one goes.
I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't.
And now I cannot stop pacing,
Give me a few hours,
I'll have this all sorted out.
If my mind would just stop racing.
"Hey Carter," Jerry greeted the young doctor with a smile. Carter didn't return it. He bustled into the front desk of the relatively quiet ER, shaking beads of rainwater out of his messy brown hair.
"How's the board looking?" he asked bluntly as he shrugged out of his drenched black jacket.
"Uh, fine, not too busy," the desk assistant replied turning his attention back to the mountain of files that awaited him.
"Good, the last thing I want to do is deal with a pile of moaning patients," Carter mumbled. Jerry fought the urge to remind him that that was what the job entailed but bit down on his tongue.
"Yeah…" he mumbled in response. 'What's eating him?' the desk clerk thought.
Abby appeared at the front desk, her highlighted hair tied back in a professional ponytail. She caught Carter's attention immediately and she smiled. He just gazed back a little vacantly. But Abby knew what was wrong. She knew what day it was. How could she forget? Valentine's day. She looked into his eyes. The sadness they held was a painful reminder of what had happened four years ago. It must be even ten times worse for him. By now his gaze had fallen to the floor, and there was nothing she could do but stand there in an awkward silence. She wanted to run over and throw her arms around him, embrace him, comfort him. She noticed as he ran his hand along his lower back and bit down on his lip as if he could still feel the pain of the knife cutting through his skin. And for a second she could feel it too. Or at least she imagined the feel of it.
Carter made jerky movements as he tried to snap back to reality, inhaling sharply. He tried to avoid Abby's beautiful eyes. It was already painful enough without her remembering. No one else seemed to. He looked around. The staff seemed unfazed and completely unaware of what had happened in this very hospital four years ago. They were lucky they could forget. He had no such luxury. The voices in his head, the constant mulling over the events were bad enough, but the physical reminder of the scars got him the most. The other things were just in his head. A figment of his over- active imagination. But the scars were real. It wasn't all a bad dream. It did happen. He was stabbed. And Lucy died. He let out a heavy sigh and Abby caught his eye again. Her face fell as she noticed tears well in his eyes and she too felt the sting of water behind hers.
"John…" she breathed as he moved quickly away from the one woman that could see into his soul.
'Cause I cannot stand still,
I can't be this unsturdy.
This cannot be happening…
"So he'll be ok?" the young, concerned mother asked John Carter. He nodded and smiled weakly.
"He'll be fine, we'll keep him over night for observation but he should be fine," he assured her, "The bang he received to his head doesn't appear to have caused any damage to the brain or skull. The worst he'll have is a bad headache."
"Thank you Doctor," the woman said resting her hand on his forearm. He pulled back and forced another smile.
"You alright little man?" he said to the small child. The dark haired boy smiled.
"Yeah, can I get a lollipop and a sticker?" he asked. Carter laughed faintly.
"Course you can, I'll get you one now yeah?" he replied.
"Thank you!"
"You can go and pick up your other children if you want Mrs Hannigan, I'll be back to check on Peter," Carter informed her. She nodded and let out a heavy breath.
"I'll be back real soon Peter ok? Would you like anything from the shop?"
The child shook his head and went back to his oversized Harry Potter book.
"Right," Mrs Hannigan breathed, "See you later." Carter followed her out into the hall and waved feebly as she disappeared round the corner. He took a long deep breath and headed for the lounge.
For the whole day he tried to forget, moving from patient to patient being careful not to get too much involved. All his job was was to stitch them up and send them on their way. It was all he knew how to do. Today hadn't been too tough and he thanked God for small favours. There was a time that he had refused to believe in a god. How can what happened happen and why did it happen to such a young life? Two young lives. His own was taken for long enough. But he deserved it. Lucy didn't. For month's he believed it was all a nightmare. It wasn't happening to him. But it was happening. And people kept trying to fix him. But he wasn't broken. At least in his mind he wasn't. The painkillers, the drugs, they all just bided him more time. Without them he would have surely ended it all. He didn't want to go on. It was his fault Lucy had died. He should have paid more attention to her; he should have taken care of her. She was his student after all. 'But she was more than that wasn't she?' a little voice echoed in his head, 'She meant more to you than just being your student…'
Carter ignored it. He couldn't go there. That just made things worse. Admitting that would make it all worse. Besides after all this time, and after all that had happened and changed, he should be over it. Well, not over it exactly, how can you get over losing a friend under those circumstances? But he should be moving on. And he was moving on. Bu he found it hard. He couldn't even go to her memorial. He couldn't even be there for her when she had died. What sort of a friend was he? If it had been the other way round and he had died, she'd have been there rain or shine. So why couldn't he go? He blamed it on his injuries but was that really the reason? Or did it run deeper?
"Dr Carter, you're needed in the ER right away," a voice interrupted his thoughts. He glanced up and nodded at the young nurse. She swiftly moved on, heading to wherever she was going. It took him a while to respond. He was tired. He didn't want to go. For a split second he didn't care what was happening out there, who was dying…but sense overwhelmed him and he tiredly got to his feet and went back out to the pandemonium of Chicago's busiest emergency room.
This is over my head but underneath my feet,
'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
"What do we have?" Carter asked making his way into Trauma four. Abby glanced up as he entered. He avoided her eyes.
"Young female, stab wounds to her chest and stomach, large contusion to the head…" Kovac's voice said as he hurriedly worked over the young woman. Carter slipped on is gloves and gazed down at the female on the table. She would have been about Lucy's age, with sandy blonde hair and round face. Blood seemed to come from everywhere and for a second Carter wondered how the hell he'd save this girl. As Kovac fed him information on the patient Carter just stared down into her unconscious face. She was so young and beautiful. She reminded him of Lucy. Even her injuries were similar.
"Carter…" Abby's voice entered his head. He looked up. Half the nurses stared at him, as he stood frozen on the spot.
"Yeah…sorry, let's get to work," he announced reaching out for the surgical knife.
Carter paced up the hallway of the ER, running his hands through his floppy hair. Why couldn't he save her? What was wrong with him? Beads of sweat ran down his brow and he rested his head against the frame of a door. He felt stupid and useless. He sighed as he gazed up the busy corridor.
"Carter?" a voice came. Abby. He continued to stare ahead as the crowd parted. A young woman, about five foot three inches, slim build, stood in the corridor staring back at him. He looked up into her face. Her big blue eyes locked with his. Lucy. She stood upright, dressed in her white med coat, black trousers and blue shirt underneath. Her blonde highlighted hair was swept back in a comb but some stray strands had fallen across her pretty face. Her hands lay stiffly by her sides, her fists half clenched. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Was it her? Was she really there? She smiled softly and he couldn't help but return it. Her eyes sparkled in the bright lightening of the ER.
"Lucy…" he whispered. Abby stood behind him and squinted in confusion as he uttered the dead med students name. She followed his intense gaze but couldn't see anything but staff and patients. He began to head up the hallway.
"Carter! Where are you going?" Abby shouted after him. He moved on ignoring her words. He had to get to Lucy. She was real. He was sure of it. He bumped into a nurse sending her crashing to the ground. He stopped immediately to help her up, trying not to take his eyes off Lucy. But he did. For one eighth of a second. And when he looked up she had gone. Gone where he wasn't sure but she was gone. Again. Abby had caught up with him placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright John," she murmured. He shrugged her off and moved away. Heading for the room where this time four years ago he and Lucy where attacked. Where Lucy had died.
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
And then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream
Peter sat in the hospital room alone flicking through the pages of his book. He had read it four times since he had gotten it from his father as a birthday present, and it still was as good as the first time. In the book Harry always won no matter what. He liked the idea that the good guy always won. But it annoyed him that so many people in Harry's life had died. His mother, his father, his uncle, his friend…He thought he'd die today. If it weren't for the doctors he probably would have. He should have never climbed that fence. He should have listened to his mother. But it was over now. He was just a little lonely. He had begun to wonder where the doctor had gone. He was meant to bring him back a lollipop and a sticker.
Peter liked his doctor but he seemed a little sad. Suddenly the door swung gently open and a young girl stood in the doorway. She gave Peter a friendly smile. She was a doctor just like the man. She wore a white jacket, but hers was a little shorter. Maybe that was so you could tell the difference between the lady and men doctors. Or was that silly seeing as the differences were obvious? It might just be like his school where the girls wear skirts and the boys wear trousers…He turned his attention back on the doctor as she entered the room and glanced at his chart. She looked a bit like an angel. Her light coloured hair was tied back and her face was awfully pretty.
"So how are you feeling now Peter?" she asked softly. Peter smiled.
"Good…where's the other doctor?" he said watching as she moved up beside him.
"Dr Carter had to see someone else, someone very sick," she informed him sitting down by his bed.
"Oh…he promised me a lollipop…" Peter dragged off. The doctor smiled.
"Just as well I keep a secret stash then isn't it?" she said pulling out a pop from her pocket. His face lit up as she handed it to him.
"Thank you."
"You're very welcome," she breathed wiping hair from her eyes.
"You're a bit happier than the other doctor…what was his name again?"
"Carter. Am I? Why do you say that?" she asked sweetly.
"He seems a little sad that's all," Peter replied.
"Well this time a few years ago a friend of his died, maybe that's why he's sad," she suggested. Peter sighed.
"That's probably it. His friend must have been very close to him. I thought he would cry earlier," the boy informed his new friend. She nodded slowly. "I don't like it when people die…"
"Neither do I," she agreed, "But it happens though doesn't it?"
"My Aunty died two weeks ago, I loved her very much," he said forlornly.
"I bet your Aunty is still looking after you," the young lady said.
"How? She died."
"Doesn't mean she can't be with you. You can keep her with you in your heart," she replied.
"That sounds silly," Peter giggled.
"I bet it sounds a bit like your book," the female responded pointing at it.
"You read Harry Potter?"
"Not in a while but I have done, his Mum and Dad still watch him don't they?"
"But that's magic," Peter reasoned, "There's no magic in real life."
"You'd be surprised," the doctor smiled, "Trust me on this one yeah?"
The boy nodded and she ruffled his hair affectionately. "Good man," she smiled, giving him a playful wink. "Could you do me a favour?"
"Sure."
"When you see Dr Carter could you tell him Lucy says hi," the girl asked.
"Course," Peter said. The doctor waved at him as she left, closing the door behind her.
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Carter sat in the darkness of the exam room. Half of him wanted for the mad man that caused all this to come back and finish the job. But the other half, the reasonable half, needed him to keep going. He had friends and a family now. But he couldn't help wishing that he had of died instead of Lucy. It just didn't seem fair. The door of the exam room slowly creaked open, and Abby stood in the light. She gazed at him sadly and moved into the room, closing the door behind her.
"Are you ok?" she asked softly. He bowed his head and clenched his eyes shut.
"I…. couldn't save her Abby…there was nothing I could do…" he mumbled twiddling his thumbs in his lap.
"There was nothing anyone could have done. She was bleeding so badly…internally…you couldn't have done anything to save her…"
"I could have listened to her…I could have ordered that psych…"
"We're not talking about that girl in there are we?" Abby asked slowly. Carter shook his head. "Lucy…"
"She was my student Abby…I should've taken care of her…I…" he dragged of his eyes filling with tears. "Why didn't I listen to her? She knew something was wrong. She knew it. But I just didn't believe her. I was too busy…with…other things…"
"Carter you gotta let this go, or it'll do what it did to you last time…you can't let that happen again," Abby said perching herself on the bed beside him.
"I'm the reason she's dead…she was so beautiful." He gasped for breath and let it out again. "She had her whole life ahead of her. She could've been anything she wanted to be."
"She wouldn't want you to tear yourself up over this John…"
"How would you know?" he snapped quietly, "You didn't even know her."
"You're right. I never got that pleasure. But I watched her die. And I watched you. All you cared about on that table was her. You did your job! You went way beyond the call of duty…"
He let out a sound, which she later construed to be a laugh.
"You don't know the half of it…" he muttered under his breath, "Did you not hear about 'us'?"
"I heard rumours yeah…but I thought that's all they were…rumours…right?" she said, her eyes begging him for confirmation. He shook his head.
"She was the most amazing girl…her personality…the way she talked…she was perfect."
"There really was something going on then?"
"Not for long…I saw to that…good old 'obey the rules Carter'," he laughed bitterly. He felt her hand on his and he quickly pushed it away. "Don't comfort me…I don't deserve it."
"Did you…love her?"
He laughed again rubbing at his tired eyes. "Maybe…I never gave it a shot though…I do what I always do. I let her go. I don't know if I loved her or not Abby. But I know I could have loved her."
She took in a sharp breath and caught her upper lip in her teeth. "I don't know what to say to you."
"You don't have to say anything. It feels good to tell someone. It feels like everything has changed now though. Everything is different form what it was back then. When it was simple. Green. Benton. Ross. Even Romano. They were normality. I don't have that anymore. It's like every person that made her. That reminded me of her has gone. And sometimes…" he dragged off tearfully, his breath catching in his dry throat. "Sometimes I forget what she looks like. And I just can't remember….I thought I saw her today you know? Out in the hallway… I speak to her every night and I'm not sure if she hears. I hope she does. I hope she can hear me apologising. And I really hope that was her out there. I really do…"
"Carter…I don't know if she hears you or not. I don't even know if that was her you saw. But I know that whatever gets you through it is what you need to believe," Abby sighed placing her hand on is broad shoulder. He clenched his eyes shut and took a sharp breath.
"I'm not usually like this you know? I've dealt with it quite well…"
"Yeah…apart from the painkillers, nightmares, emotional breakdown…" Abby dragged off a slow smile spreading across her face. Carter laughed quietly. So did she. "Come on. We have to get back yeah?"
"Yeah," he agreed pushing himself off the bed, "I just need to go see a patient." She nodded leading him through the eerie darkness of the exam room and into the hallway. The light stung his eyes, and now Abby could clearly see his red puffy eyes that indicated his profuse crying. She gave him another feeble smile and headed the other direction back to the front desk.
'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening, yeah
"Hey Peter," Carter greeted the young child with a friendly smile. The boy glanced up and returned it.
"Hi," he said quietly turning his attention back to the television. Cartoon characters danced across the screen in an illuminating light.
"What are you watching?"
"Pokemon, I know it's kinda out but you guys don't have cable," Peter informed him. Carter grinned.
"Yeah that sucks doesn't it?" he commented glancing over the child's charts. Peter nodded and looked towards him. Carter delved into his coat pocket and pulled out a red pop. "Here. I forgot to come back sooner."
"It's ok, another doctor gave me one," Peter breathed, "It wouldn't be fair on the other kids if I took two."
"Oh right…what other doctor?" Carter asked confusedly.
"A girl doctor," Peter replied, "She was nice, I liked her."
"You liked her? Why? What did she say?" Carter asked perching himself on the bed.
"Nothing much. She told me the reason you were sad…"
Carter frowned. "Why am I sad Peter?"
"Because your friend died…" he said quietly, "I'm sorry by the way."
"That's ok….what did this doctor look like?"
"She was small kinda…yellow coloured hair…very pretty."
Carter's heart skipped a beat. The description was uncannily similar to that of Lucy.
"Are you sure she wasn't a nurse?" Carter asked.
"She wore a white coat like yours, except hers was short," the boy said, turning his attention to Carter, "I definitely think she was a doctor. She looked over my chart."
Carter shook off the dizzy feeling in his head. He was being stupid. He just wanted to believe it was Lucy. It was probably just a nurse. The kid was confused, that was all. He ruffled his hair and smiled faintly.
"Right, well, I have to go Peter yeah?" he sighed, "I'll come check on you later."
"Ok," Peter murmured, "Oh Doctor Carter?"
He stopped abruptly and turned to face the child.
"Lucy says hi."
"W-what?"
"Lucy says hi…that's what the doctor told me to tell you."
Carter swallowed down hard and stared at Peter. He felt his heart pound in his chest.
"Peter…" Carter began. He stopped. What was to gain from interrogating the child? More confusion and upset. So it maybe a mistake. The kid might've picked up on what the nurse said and got it wrong. After all she did say about Lucy dying, maybe she mentioned her name. There was no use to take it any further. "That's fine. Thanks for letting me know."
The boy smiled again and turned back to the television, leaving Carter to re-enter the busy world of the ER and forget today's events until next year.
'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
And then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream
What is real and just a dream