Miroku is once again comfortably seated in one of the lovely leather chairs owned by Masterpiece Theater.  The trumpets are playing, the fire is crackling and all is right with the world.  Except for the evil smile lighting Miroku's face of course.

Miroku: (Smoking a pipe, as any good Masterpiece Theater host should) Welcome, dear readers.  You may be asking yourself at this point, 'Where is Sango? Why is Miroku not running away from a mob of blood thirsty lawyers?'  Well, Sango has gone to find that Rambler no baka and make her pay for causing the siege of lawyers. (Rubs chin in thought) She also said something about getting payment of her own…but I am not sure what she meant.

            As for the lawyers, (insert evil laugh here) I sucked them into my Kazaana… Okay, not really, I just sold Rambler down the river.  She cannot presently host this little fic of hers at the moment because she is trying to get in touch with her own lawyer.  (Whistles, and calls over a seventy-year-old man in a suit carrying a pitchfork and a piece of paper) Hoping for leniency, Rambler wanted me to let one of the lawyers read the disclaimer this time, take it away Earl-san.

Earl the Lawyer: Ms. Rambling Coffee Addict does not own Inu-Yasha,  Masterpiece Theater, or Poland.  Miroku, Sango, Inu-Yasha, Kagome and the rest of the characters do not belong to her, no matter what the voices in her head tell her.  The only things Rambing Coffee Addict does own are her mental infirmities, three bags of Starbucks coffee, and a dead cactus, (chuckles).   Besides, do you really think someone so poor and insane would own Poland or Inu-Yasha? (Lightning from out of no where suddenly strikes him.  Earl the lawyer gurgles helplessly and falls to the floor, now a charred mass in a ruined suit)

Miroku: (Shakes head) You shouldn't insult fanfic writers like that.  They tend to be pretty vindictive.

Earl the Lawyer: (groans and moans in pain)

Miroku:  Well, I hope you enjoy the chapter, I am off to take Earl-san to the hospital.

Chapter 2

Pragmatic

            This was about the time someone was supposed to jump out of the closet and shout "HA! We REALLY got you this time!"   That would have made sense to Kagome.  She would have even managed to be a good sport and laugh and smile instead of pummeling the pranksters, out of sheer relief that it wasn't real.  But no one interrupted Kagome and Inu-Yasha as they had tea in the sitting room quietly.  

            Neither said a word.  Inu-Yasha glared at the silent girl, willing her to have some sort of reaction.  Kagome sat meekly in front of him, focusing upon her tea cup as if her life depended on it.  The thick tension in the air between them couldn't have been cut with a sword.  Oh yes, someone was going to reveal that this was a horrible joke any time now.  A horrible, sick, twisted joke…

            "So um…" Kagome's gaze switched from her tea cup to her hands as she tried to speak.  This was beyond awkward for the overwhelmed girl.  Why wasn't he trying to start a conversation?  She knew his eyes were bearing into the top of her skull, but she refused to meet them, her face already red hot with embarrassment. 

            What to say, what to say…  Well damn it, say SOMETHING! Kagome cursed at herself as she sat there dumbly.  Finally, she spoke.  "If you could be any type of fruit, which would you be?" boy, did she wish she hadn't.

            Inu-Yasha raised a thick white eyebrow at the blushing girl across from him.  Was she insane? "What the hell kind of question is that bitch?"

            Kagome winced.  Oh yes, "bitch", just the term of endearment she had wanted to hear.  It was just her luck that she was fixed up with Mr. Sensitive.  Twirling a strand of ebony hair anxiously, she tried to find some logical excuse for her question.  "Uh, you see… it tells me something about your character.  Like if you said you were a strawberry, I would guess that you were sweet…" I'm really grasping at straws here…   

            "I don't need you to tell me you're a squash to know you're out of your fucking goard!" Inu-Yasha quipped.  This was just brilliant.  How did he get stuck with such a stupid, corny girl? 

            A frown spread over her features as she glared at him. "Now listen you jerk," She spat defensively, "At least I tried to come up with some sort of conversation-"
            "About fruit!" Inu- Yasha shouted incredulously, "Who on earth starts off a conversation about fruit!?"

            Kagome fought the urge to slap him.  The man was being unnecessarily harsh, and he was making her already bad week worse.  She rose to stand over her him, baring her gritted teeth like an angered tiger.  Forcing her rage into a smile, she hissed "Well, what do you say when you meet your fiancée for the first time? " Her eyebrows furrowed as his countenance remained cocky. "How's the weather? Do you like Kabuki Theater? Or how about this: are you even going to give me a chance?" Kagome's voice began to tremble as she continued her tirade.

"Or are you just going to be content to cheat on me with the maid? Or will it be some overpriced geisha by the name of Asuka who will tell you that she loves you even though she still makes you pay for the night?  And let me guess, my future in-laws are just going to love me, aren't they?"

"You'll have to excuse me, but I've never been arranged to be married before!" She huffed, breathing heavily as she glared at him.  "Aren't you even a little nervous?!"

            This is the first time she has looked me in the eyes… Inu-Yash stared in shock at her stormy blue-gray orbs.  She was gorgeous, standing over him with the rage of a typhoon.  Not at all like the timid girl of five minutes ago that would not meet his gaze. Maybe she has multiple personalities… He wouldn't put it past his father and Sesshomaru to set him up with someone completely deranged.  But she really is trying…

            "Prickly pear." He muttered softly, finally forcing his eyes away from hers to the untouched tea before him. 

            Kagome stopped seething, her mind going completely blank at his comment.  "What?" She asked with wide eyes.

            "I said," He grumbled threateningly, "I would be a prickly pear." Just because he was indulging her didn't mean he was going to drop his crotchety attitude, she hadn't earned that yet. 

            "Oh." Her mouth continued to form a circle long after the word escaped her lips, pleasantly puzzled by her fiancée. Fiancee.  Now there was a word she wasn't going to get used to. 

            "And the weather is fine." His gruff voice interrupted her musings. "But who cares?" He began to twirl a finger through his cold tea. "I don't like Kabuki. It's damn boring and I have better things to do than watch a bunch of frilly sissies." He said with childlike distaste. 

            "Well-" Kagome tried to interject.

            "I don't know if I'll give you a chance, because I find all of this shit to be stupid anyway.  Who the fuck does my family think they are? I can take care of my own fucking life!"

            "And why the fuck would I cheat on you with the maid?" He asked with disgust, spitting the word out like it was painful to even have on his tongue.  "Have you seen that hag? She's like eighty years old!  I'd rather jump off a cliff than let her touch me.  As for Asuka the geisha," Inu-Yasha couldn't help but smirk, "It's really Keiko or Sakura you would have to worry about." Kagome rolled her eyes, causing his grin to widen.  "Unless we were to actually become serious about this whole marriage crap…"

            Kagome blinked, not sure what to make out of that last sentence.  "What do you mean?"  She felt her heart thud in her chest as he finally looked at her, holding her gaze with his molten stare.   

            "Dog-demons mate for life, Little Girl."  He spoke seriously and intently, measuring her reaction.  "If I choose to, I would make you mine.  For life."

            A shiver ran up her spine as he spoke. Kagome didn't no whether she should be happy or scared, or both, so she settled for dumbfounded silence.

            "My family was the one who chose you, so they won't hate you that much." Inu-yasha lowered his eyes once again, staring at the wooden floorboards beneath his callused feet. "They'll just treat you like shit and smile at you as if you were a incompetent pup."  Kagome gritted her teeth as he went on, obviously not taking much consolation in his assurances that she wouldn't be hated. He was only telling her the truth.  There really was no need for her to get all huffy over it.  "And yes, I am a bit nervous.  But any idiot with half a brain would be."

            Kagome sifted through his words, blown away by his speech.  Suddenly, she couldn't direct her rage at him.  She couldn't direct it at anyone.  All that was left of the fiery fury was a sickening feeling of impotence that made her bones sag and weaken like sand.  "So, you didn't want this marriage either?" She asked quietly.

            "If I did, then it wouldn't be called 'arranged' now would it?" He snapped bitterly.

            "But you're not taking it seriously?" Kagome prodded further, looking at him suspiciously.

            Sighing, Inu-Yasha put on his best "I mean business" face.  He had thought long and hard about how to handle this situation, which was rare for him since he preferred to just rip something to shreds when ever it offended him.  But this situation could not be ripped to shreds, so he had been forced to spend precious time thinking, something he was not happy about.  There was no way this little girl was ruining his plan.  No way.  "Here's the deal.  I have to stay married for at least six months for my family not to disown me.  You need protection until you can handle your miko powers.  I will provide you with a personal tutor during those six months, and protect you.  At the end of the six months, you should be able to protect yourself, and I don't have to worry about my "dear brother" trying to get me kicked out on my ass.  We'll go our separate ways, everyone will be happy."

            Kagome rubbed her temples, trying to stave off the impending migraine,  "What if I don't master my abilities?"

            "I will set you up with a permanent body guard afterwards.  I will also make sure you are provided for if you turn out to be that weak." He added quickly.  How he could be so business-like about the entire thing was beyond Kagome.

            "Do we have a deal?" Inu-Yasha's voice was steel as he asked.  He couldn't let her know how desperate he was, he would never let her know.

            Kagome was at a loss to respond.  Her head throbbed, completely overworked from the stress of the last several hours.  She realized it had only been eight hours since she found out she was engaged.  The speed at which this entire thing had moved was just bizarre. The dizzying pace of this affair left Kagome reeling.

            More than just feeling woozy from how fast things were moving, she couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. Where the hell was her knight in shining armor? Sure, this guy had shiny hair, but that doesn't count.  Knights were supposed to be gallant, dashing, and chivalrous, carrying a silky red rose. They were supposed to beg the fair maiden to climb aboard their trusty steed and head off with them to their fabulously expensive castle far, far away.  No, this guy, or half-demon rather, hadn't even brought her so much as a fern.  He called her "bitch", and rather icily explained how the next six months would go, leaving very little room for discussion.  No shining armor. No steed.  No chivalry.   There might have been a certain romance to the whole "arranged marriage" situation, but if there was, Inu-Yasha had just crushed all of it.  Kagome had the strangest feeling that he had a talent for doing that.

            Disappointment aside, his deal did sound like a bargain.  She would only have to put up with this baka for six months, and she would get free training in the process.  Not a bad deal at all.  If only she could kill the utter romantic in her who was screeching how horribly wrong this whole thing was.   She might not be able to kill it, but she was able to stuff a sock in its mouth and lock it in her mental closet for now.  Kagome looked at Inu-Yasha firmly.  "You have a deal, Inu-Yasha-san."

            Inu-Yasha managed to keep the small smile from lighting his face, settling for glowering at her instead.

            "But I must warn you, Inu-Yasha-san.  My name is Kagome.  Not bitch, not little girl, not baka or anything else.  If I hear you call me anything else I will pummel you into the ground."

            Inu-Yasha yawned, not really paying anymore.  "Whatever, wench." As far as he was concerned this little meeting was over. 

            She fumed. "I said Kagome!"

            He shrugged "What was that, bitch?"

            "KAGOME!"

            "Bitch."

            "KA-GO-ME!!!!!!!!"

            "I'll see you at the wedding, bitch." Inu-Yasha got up to leave.

            She caught the hanyou by surprise, tackling him from behind.   "ARG!!!! YOU EVIL BASTARD!" 

            Kagome and her mother watched Inu-Yasha leave from the front door, holding some ice to his jaw, muttering curses as he went.  "Well," Higurashi-san said pleasantly, "That went well!"  Kagome just looked at her mother like she was insane.  Obviously she did not see the claw marks that marred her kimono from her and her future husband's little… encounter.  "What?" She said defensively, "Besides the fact that you tried to kill him, the two of you seemed to be quite comfortable around each other."

            "You were watching the entire time?" Kagome asked through gritted teeth, her eyes narrowed into slits. 

            "Of course! Ji-chan even did a sketch of the two of you trying to pummel each other to death on the floor with his new set of paints!"

            "What?!" Kagome gasped, blushing furiously.  Normally, Kagome was not the violent type of girl.  But something about that arrogant hanyou just seemed to bring it out in her. 

            Her mother nodded enthusiastically, joyous tears suddenly welling up in her warm brown eyes.  "He wanted to have an artist make a painting of it for the two of you as a wedding present!" She grabbed Kagome, clutching the startled girl to her chest. "Oh, Kagome! I am so happy for you!"

            Kagome stayed stiff against her mother as the woman sobbed, feeling the sudden need to escape from all of this. "Umm, Mom, I need to go for a walk."

            Higurashi-san released her daughter slowly, watching as she walked away from the shrine.

Kagome walked in a dazed stupor as she headed for the village.  She would have bemoaned her situation, but she was just too tired to think…. Or apparently walk correctly.  Colliding into a lean, warm body, Kagome lifted herself from the fog of confusion enough to mutter an apology.  But the figure did not move.

"Higurashi! What it is wrong?" She looked up to find the tall figure of Hojo looking at her with wide, concerned eyes.  He was surprised to see Kagome wandering along the road when it was nearly sun-set.  Usually the girl was cautious, considering that she was a miko and all.  Yet here he found her, treading listlessly with lost eyes and a vacant expression.   Even more confusing was the formal periwinkle blue and lavender silk kimono she wore, which seemed to have some sort of claw marks on it.  Had she been attacked?

"Nothing, Hojo-kun. I am just a little out of it." Kagome smiled faintly, trying to assure him, as well herself, that everything was just peachy.  Unfortunately, her stunning acting performance had convinced neither.

He led her over to a shaded tree beside the dirt path, carefully helping her sit.  To Hojo, Kagome was a porcelain doll.  She was a doll that required rapt attention and care, as well as frequent dusting   He gently took her hand, running his thumb along her palm.  Firmly looking into her eyes, he stated softly "You can tell me what is wrong now, Higurashi."

She smiled ruefully, her pale features taking on a distant look.  "You won't be able to call me that much longer, Hojo-kun."  He stared at her in confusion.  "I'm arranged to be married in a couple of days."

His mouth nearly dropped to the floor.  His Kagome.  Engaged to be married.  How could this have happened? Well, to be truthful, he had never told her he thought of her as his, but he was sure that it was assumed by both of them that they would be married as soon as he could gather enough money from his apprenticeship to the local healer.  Suddenly nothing made sense.  Clenching his head in his hands, Hojo asked "Wait, what do you mean by married?"

"What do you think?!" Kagome exclaimed sarcastically. "Married! Hitched! Here comes the bride! My life will be joined in 'holy matrimony' with an asshole as of Saturday."

He knew she said it, but it still didn't make any sense.   No, no, there was a plan.  A plan which involved him, Kagome, a couple of children and maybe a dog or a big fluffy cat.  That plan was the only thing that made sense to Hojo.  It had been his future since he was ten.  "This can't be happening…" He muttered in disbelief.

Kagome chuckled bitterly. "I know the feeling…" But the bitterness died in her throat, leaving her feeling nothing but vulnerable.  "But it is happening.  And you know what? The guy doesn't even want to stay married." She choked.

"What?" Hojo had the sudden feeling there was light at the end of the tunnel.

"He just wants to be hitched for six months and then we'll get divorced or something.  The deal I made with him is actually quite a bargain.  But I can't help feeling like a marriage shouldn't be a bargain…" Her heart was suddenly in her throat, causing her voice to catch.  Tears began to trickle down her face. 

Hojo didn't know whether to giggle with glee or kill this fiancée of hers for making her miserable.  Maybe he would do both.  But not in front of his delicate Kagome.  No, his job now was to comfort her. With two lanky arms he reached out and pulled her to him, setting her head firmly against his chest.  "Let it all out," He urged, "Don't worry, Higurashi."

Kagome's eyes went wide, as where she was and what exactly she was doing washed over her. Her spine went rigid "Um, thanks Hojo-kun, you can let go now."  She blushed deeply as she escaped to a standing position. 

            Blinking, Hojo ran a hand through his dirty blond hair, trying to understand why Kagome pulled away.  Of course, he sighed, mentally wanting to kick himself, she thinks she is taking advantage of my compassion, not that I actually like her.  She is such a humble, wonderful girl!  He stood with her, once again embracing her with all of his might.  As he squeezed the stiff girl to him he whispered "I care Kagome! Do not fear!" seriously in her ear. 

            Kagome knew he cared.  That was why she had to get away. Now!  Why am I doing so much escaping lately? She sighed to herself.  What she needed was a stunt double.  Then they could stay and be polite, as she made her quick getaway.  Nodding to herself that she would find one as soon as humanly possible, she once again untangled herself from Hojo's vice-like embrace. 
            Smiling brightly, she lied in his face.  Sometimes a lie was less cruel. "Hojo-kun, I really need to get going! But thanks for listening! You have made me feel a lot better!" Internally, Kagome was wincing as she turned away.  Oh no, that wasn't leading him on! Why not just say "Feel free to grab me anytime you want!"  

            "Ja ne,  Kagome-chan!" Hojo yelled cheerfully as she left.  Kagome could have doubled over in pain, from the left hook of guilt gave her. 

            Hojo stared at her retreating form, the sunset lighting his hair with golden and orange hues.  Be strong, Kagome, I will save you from that bargaining, bargaining….. (Hojo really hated to use unnecessary foul language, even in his thoughts) Guy.   I will make sure he never lays a hand on you! 
            In all fairness, the moment actually was pretty dramatic as he made his sunset vow.  His eyes were steadfast, and his fists were clenched in righteous anger.  He might have pulled off the role of a protagonist vowing to protect his lady love, if some bird hadn't decided Hojo's nest of dirty blond hair would make an excellent place to relieve itself.  "AAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Miroku sits in a hospital room next to the bed of the charred Earl the Lawyer.  Mysteriously, it appears the leather chairs and the trumpet music have also relocated with Miroku.  The fireplace could not also be relocated, seeing as certain nurses thought it to be a bit of a safety hazard.  What a pity, oh well… 

Miroku: (smoking the pipe every three or four words) You all will be happy to know, dear readers, that Earl the Lawyer has survived to sue another day.  (Rubs chin) It would appear that Rambler was so taken with actually getting reviews that she decided to add in what was to be the first part of chapter three.  She also decided to make the story longer than she intended as well… (twitches spontaneously).  Why do so many people take advantage of monks? Well, at least I am getting something out of this… (his look of long suffering innocence suddenly turns into an insidious smirk).

Sango: (suddenly appearing and taking the pipe out of Miroku's hand) Do you have a death wish?!    You realize  you're not suppose to smoke in a hospital don't you?

Miroku:( his left hand has mysteriously gone MIA) My lovely Sango has returned!

Sango: (finds his MIA hand on her butt, and slaps Miroku for it) Only because I got what I deserved.

Miroku:(throws her a questioning look as he rubs his red hand printed cheek)

Sango: Let's just say this: if you get something you want, then I get something I want. (Insert evil cackling here)

Earl the Lawyer: (insert painful and random groans here)

Miroku: (raises eyebrow hopefully) Would it involve me, a bed, and a bunch of whipped cream? (Wiggles eyebrows suggestively and licks his lips)

Sango: (Punches Miroku into unconsciousness. Shrugs.) At least he did himself a favor and said that in a hospital. (Drags Miroku out of the leather chair) I'm going to find a nurse.  Rambler wanted me to tell you all she will probably be updating this every Friday night, so look for "Ball and Chain" then.  Tune in next week! Er… if you can "tune in" to a computer…