As Brittany checked in with her, Santana took a moment to mentally scan herself, aware that she was a little on edge and not wanting to separate from Brittany. But she wasn't anxious to the point of needing time to settle, yet anyway. She was starting to cramp up again too, and mumbled back to Brittany, leaning in to speak directly in her ear.
"Yeah, just kind of... jumpy? And my uterus is starting to be a bitch."
Seeing the bowl of Goldfish, Santana felt a brief temptation to take one, but stopped herself, all too aware of the others' eyes on her.
"Don't make me eat in front of them," she whispered instead. "They'll look at me like a gorilla in a zoo eating a banana. They'll probably want pictures."
She reached to wrap herself around Brittany again, taking the bowl for her in one hand so Brittany could use both to carry her back to the couch.
Brittany put the Goldfish back into the cabinet, stepping over so she was standing between Santana's legs, gently pushing her knee open as she waited patiently for Santana to answer her question, knowing she was taking the time to actually think about it, scooping up a few Goldfish while she studied her face. When Santana leaned in to her, Brittany placed her palms on the tops of her thighs, rubbing from her knees up and back down soothingly as she felt Santana's lips at her ear.
She laughed at little at Santana's complaint, nodding against her cheek. "You're doing really good, but it feels different that it's not the two of us," Brittany agreed even though Santana had said anything, wanting her to know she too felt the change in the environment. She knew they couldn't stay isolated from the rest of the world forever, but it was so natural and easy when it was just the two of them, and Santana was so much more relaxed and at ease, which in turn relaxed Brittany.
"I'm not going to," She promised, rubbing Santana's legs soothingly. "But if you want to eat some, I'm sure they won't say anything." Brittany pointed out. "They definitely might stare, I think they're amazed. And if you take Advil or something later for your cramps, you'll have to eat a little before so it's not on your empty stomach," Brittany reminded, knowing they could discuss that after Rachel and Kurt left.
She let Santana wrap herself around her again, patting her butt as a thank you for picking up the bowl for her before carrying her back to the couch, sitting down carefully so none of the goldfish spilled. Although she hadn't planned on bringing Santana with her, she was glad she had, glad they'd had a moment of calm to check in with each other while they had Kurt and Rachel over, knowing even just having two friends over was a lot for Santana.
"Did we miss anything important?" She asked, placing the Goldfish bowl in Santana's lap and taking a handful.
Santana pouted a little, even as she enjoyed Brittany's hands rubbing her legs. She mumbled sarcastically, "They might stare? Might? They're watching us more than the movie now, and it has one of their weird gay icons in it so that's saying something."
She huffed a little when Brittany said she would need to eat if she wanted Advil later but didn't actually refuse to consider it. As she settled back in Brittany's lap, she spoke up for the other two.
"How would they know, they were watching us like we were the entertainment instead of the movie. Didn't know pouring fake fish in a bowl was so interesting, especially for Miss Vegan, I figured it would remind her too much of animal slaughter. Do fake cheesy fish count as animal cruelty, Berry?"
Rachel tilted her head as though this was a serious question. "No, but unfortunately they aren't vegan. There are some excellent vegan alternatives I can introduce you to if you ever are interested, Santana! Also some quite tasty alternatives to other snacks such as Oreos-"
"Rachel, she's clearly deflecting from the fact that they are basically breathing the same air," Kurt interrupted. "Also, Santana, is that Brittany's shirt you're wearing?"
Leave it to Kurt the fashionista to recognize a woman's item of clothing he had seen her wear once.
"We may not have slushies here, but we do have ice cubes," Santana threatened. "I bet I could stop breathing Brittany's air long enough to get up and dump a tray down your shirt."
"Um, let me catch you up on what you missed!" Rachel said hurriedly.
She over explained for a few minutes before Santana waved her on. "You never learned the art of summary, you know that?"
She had almost completely settled and relaxed, despite occasionally getting tense when Jason was drunk or arguing with Esther on screen. That is until the end, with Jason's drunken deadly car crash. Although Rachel had surely seen the movie dozens of times at least, she was wiping her eyes and sniffing, and Kurt looked suspiciously Misty eyed as well. Santana was horrified when she too started crying, turning to hide her face against Brittany's shoulder in an effort to conceal it, but considering that she was sniffling and her shoulders were shaking, it wasn't the stealth job of the century.
She couldn't help it. Watching Esther keening over the man she loved made her think about how she would feel if she lost Brittany, how hopeless and sad and utterly devastated she would be, and she clutched Brittany as though there was some kind of threat that she was next to keel over.
"Why do you like this horribly depressing thing, what's wrong with you?!" She demanded of Rachel through tears.
When Santana snapped about Goldfish being vegan and Rachel answered earnestly, Brittany giggled, hiding her face in Santana's hair to cover her snort at how serious Rachel was being. Kurt's interruption made her frown, eyebrows raised. She knew what he meant, but she still deadpanned, "We're all breathing the same air Kurt, we're sitting four feet from each other," She pointed out, her face stoic, only faltering when Kurt expertly pointed out one of Brittany's shirts on Santana- in fact, the very shirt she'd worn when she'd gotten off the plane and gone straight to the loft that day.
"It looks cuter on her," Brittany pointed out, because she truly thought it did. She shivered at the idea of ice cubes, cuddling Santana close to her even though she wasn't cold, questioning if Santana really could peel herself away from Brittany to get up to get ice cubes. She knew, realistically, that she could, but she also knew Santana wouldn't, not voicing that claim out loud, instead trying to pay attention to the summary Rachel was providing, which actually just seemed like a scene by scene interpretation of every minute they'd been gone, which seemed like much longer than it really was based on how much context and detail Rachel felt she needed to provide.
When she was done, they went back to the movie, Brittany scratching gently up and down Santana's leg idly as they watched. She too was shocked at the car crash scene, feeling her own eyes prickle. Instantly, she thought of losing Santana, a thought that popped into her mind intrusively and made her regret thinking it at all. Santana wasn't an addict and they didn't even drive in the city, but Santana was who she loved, and she couldn't imagine the pain Esther was feeling as she felt Santana turn and latch onto her, knowing she was crying by the little sounds she was making.
Brittany too was surprised to find her own cheeks wet, and she scrubbed at them with the heel of her hand, laughing at Santana's question even though she still felt so sad about the movie. "I thought A Star is Born sounded like a happy movie," Brittany pointed out, holding onto Santana as tightly as Santana was holding onto her, sniffling. "Jeez, I didn't think that was going to happen." Her heart hurt badly for Esther, and she truly thought the entire movie would culminate in the two of them living happily ever after instead of heartbreak. She couldn't stop thinking about her life if she ever lost Santana, and that alone made her even more sad. "I feel so bad for Esther," She sniffled.
"Well, it is a happy movie in some aspects," Rachel defended, even as she wiped her own eyes and took a breath to steady her voice. "Esther is a star now and she's strong and standing on her own feet through tragedy, and she's made it and she can use her personal tragedy to further her stardom."
"WHO THE FUCK CARES, THE LOVE OF HER LIFE IS DEAD AND SHE'S ALL ALONEEEE! FOREVERRRR!" Santana practically screeched at Rachel, abandoning any effort to pretend she isn't crying anymore as she sobs into Brittany's neck, arms locked tight around her rib cage.
She is pushing close to panic at the thoughts flying through her mind of something happening where she lost Brittany- a plane crash, being mugged and murdered on her way to work or waiting after school for Santana, being hit by a drunk driver crossing the street. Who knows, Brittany could get struck by lightning even. The world seems like a horribly dangerous place suddenly, full of possible threats to snatch Brittany away from her.
She is aware of Brittany hugging her back, hearing her sniffling too, and her protectiveness towards her flared up as she lifted a tear streaked face and twisted it towards Rachel accusingly. Her threats were far less effective given they were coming through sobs.
"You made Brittany cry! Oh, you will pay for this, Rachel Berry, I swear!"
"Calm down, revoke the pitchfork, Satan," Kurt said mildly, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "It's a movie. Brittany is safe, you should feel that yourself from the death grip you have on her."
"But what if she wasn't?!"
Brittany frowned at Rachel, trying to see how being a star could possibly compare to losing the one that you loved in such a way like that. She knew it was fiction, but that didn't stop her from crying, much like Disney cartoons didn't stop her from crying. Suddenly, she was the one who never wanted to let go of Santana, reveling in the feeling of her soft, warm body tucked against her torso. It was a feeling Brittany had always loved, but now, it felt almost holy, and she knew she'd do anything to keep feeling that feeling for the rest of her life.
When Santana protested Rachel's insistence that it could be seen as happy, her voice pitching close to hysteria, Brittany ran her hand over the back of her head and down her back, smoothing her hair. The movie had made her cry and had sunk a terrible feeling deep in her stomach at the thought of losing Santana, but Santana was more visibly upset. When she picked her head up at the sound of Brittany's sniffles, Brittany smiled at her through her tears, rubbing her eye and laughing at how personally they'd all taken the movie, shaking her head to try to clear it of the sad final scene.
"The movie made me cry," Brittany laughed through her tears again, shaking her head at Rachel to ensure her that Santana's threats were empty, her arms still looped around Santana's waist. She was taking deep breaths, blinking the tears out of her eyes as Kurt chimed in, commenting on Santana's death grip, which had remained equally as tight since the movie had concluded. It had been jarring, and try as she might, Brittany couldn't get those thoughts out of her head, thinking of what Santana had said lately and everything she'd been dealing with. What if it all got to be too much and not even Brittany was enough to help?
"But I am," Brittany answered Santana's hypothetical question, rubbing the small of her back from where she was still twisted to look at Kurt and Rachel. "I'm right here, nothing's going to happen to me," She said, which she knew she couldn't guarantee. She usually didn't promise generalizations like that, because really, she knew something crazy could happen like a meteor hitting the earth or their apartment building exploding or something, but she didn't think that would be most helpful to point out to Santana at the moment. Still, the movie had reminded her that life was so finite, and she was grateful, in that moment, for how tight Santana was holding her.
"But you might not always be," Santana was not reassured. She turned her head back to regard Brittany, scrutinizing her face closely and with anxiety, as though checking every single feature is accounted for and unharmed. "Something could happen. You might be hurt, or...or something," she stuttered, her mind again flickering briefly back to the bar, to the horrific possibility of Brittany in her place. "You don't know. You could die! Some asshole drunk idiot like Jason could kill you!"
She started sobbing again, burying her face back against Brittany. Rachel and Kurt both blinked and stared, taken aback as usual by the storm of her emotion, and started talking at once, trying to talk loudly over Santana and each other.
"It's just a movie, Santana-"
"Santana, calm down, Brittany is okay, we're all okay-"
"Santana, stop, you don't have to be so upset-"
They were, as generally they often had in the past, not being effective or helpful. If anything their pitch and speed of talking was only agitating her more.
"I'M NOT UPSET!" she hollered back, through clearly upset tears. "I JUST HATE THAT MOVIE! THESE ARE TEARS OF PURE RAGE!"
"I know, but I'm here right now," She said, distracted from her own tears and sadness by Santana's, whose upset had clearly gone beyond just being sad about the movie. She let Santana examine her face, knowing she was looking for signs that Brittany was anything but perfectly healthy. Brittany kept rubbing her lower back, letting her fumble and get out all her worries in a tear-clogged ramble. "I know, you're right, but that could happen to anyone at any time." She said, trying to keep her voice soft and even. "I'm right here with you now and I'm fine, and we're always together and stay in safe areas right?" She pointed out, her hand coming up to to rest on the back of Santana's head when she buried her face again.
She let her sob against her chest, quietly hushing her and trying to bring her down from her hysterics. She'd honestly forgotten Rachel and Kurt were there until they both recovered from their shock simultaneously, launching into a tirade of "comforts," their voices loud and clashing in the air. Brittany winced at the sound, and she could feel Santana's body lock up in her arms at the sound and how loud and fast their voices were. When Santana yelled back, it was even louder than their voices, and Brittany held her other hand up to stop all three of them. "Okay, okay," She spoke loudly, glancing back and forth to Kurt and Rachel, who both looked slightly afraid by Santana's emotions and like they had no idea what to do next.
"Santana is fine," She assured them, letting her hand fall back to where it rested against Santana's back. Santana was not exactly fine, sobbing into her chest, but Brittany knew it was because her mind was upsetting her, and nothing Rachel or Kurt could loudly say was going to help her. "She just needs a minute, she's upset but she know she's safe and she knows how to make herself feel better," Brittany told them in a quiet voice, brushing the hair away from where Santana had her face buried into her shirt. At the moment, what Santana needed to make herself feel better was cling to Brittany, which Brittany welcomed. "San, I'm not going to die any time soon," She reminded, patting her upper back.
Santana cried for a few more minutes, gradually winding down with Brittany rubbing her back and talking to her softly. Brittany's tone and touch more than her words eventually helped her settle into softer crying and then occasionally sniffing, and she goes softer and limper in her arms. She heard Brittany's reassurance and murmured back shakily, "You don't know. People die every day. You can't promise that."
Kurt and Rachel are looking increasingly awkward as they shuffle and shift between looking and trying not to look. Eventually Rachel says, "Um, perhaps this is, uh, a private moment? Um... should we go? I'm so sorry about the movie, I didn't mean to start anything, I was just excited and it was on-"
"Yes, um, we probably should let you relax Santana," Kurt was quick to back her up, practically leaping to his feet. "It was great to see you both though! And Santana, you really are looking wonderful."
"He means fat," Santana grumbled in Brittany's shoulder, sniffing.
"He does not," Rachel said earnestly. "He doesn't! You do look wonderful and still very thin, truly! Um...can I hug you or..."
She settled for a quick pat of Santana's still turned back and one of Brittany's shoulder. "Sorry. We will see you soon though!"
Brittany was calm as she comforted Santana, but she could tell that Kurt and Rachel were not as familiar with the situation, not exactly knowing what to do and also not wanting to do nothing, even though Brittany knew that was best in the situation. She let Santana cry against her, whispering a few more assurances, letting her cry herself out until she went soft against her body, mumbling her protest.
She wasn't surprised when Rachel and Kurt stood, and almost assured them it was okay to stay before she looked at their faces, both of which looked like they were ready to bolt and looking for a reason to leave. She would've laughed if Santana wasn't weeping in her lap, nodding understandingly up at them.
"It's okay, she's okay, we just need to talk about a couple things," Brittany said, her hand still securely on the back of Santana's head. She did giggle when Santana grumbled about Kurt calling her fat, shaking her head at them to let them know she wasn't taking Santana's claim seriously.
"We'll text you," Brittany promised when Rachel patted them gently, smiling comfortingly at them at them. "It's okay, it was a really good movie actually Rachel. We'll text you about your show and the band Kurt," Brittany grinned, waving at them as they left, not wanting them to worry or feel uncomfortable because of Santana being upset.
When the door swung shut behind them, Brittany looked down to Santana, her arms still wrapped around Brittany in a vice grip. "Babe, sit up," She cooed gently, peeling Santana's upper body off of hers with great effort, until she could look Santana in the eye, their bodies still pressed together tightly in Brittany's lap. "You're making yourself upset," She hushed, cupping Santana's face in her hands and brushing the tear tracks away. "I'm not going to die and I'm totally healthy and okay, just like you." She murmured, stroking Santana's cheek. "You can't worry about all the things that could happen. Tell me what you're thinking about so I can make it stop hurting," She coaxed gently.
Santana resisted weakly, not wanting to lift up her face and look at Brittany, but relented when Brittany gently coaxed her and manipulated her body into an upright position. As Brittany continued to comfort her, petting her hair and wiping her cheeks, Santana took a gulping breath, trying to regain control. Trying to put her thoughts into words begins to cause her body to tense up again; despite Brittany reassuring her before, she still half fears that speaking her anxieties aloud can make them come true. She kept hold of Brittany as she answered shakily.
"I...if you were...if you were g-gone..." She can't say the word dead, it's impossible to have the word on her tongue without gagging on it. "I-I couldn't do it, Brittany. I couldn't. I need you. I need you here, with me. I need you okay and here..."
Her chest started to heave as she began to grow upset again, her words growing more wavery and uneven as she blinked frantically.
"I w-wouldn't have anyone...I w-would miss you so much. And I ..I would be alone. I...m-my family, they aren't there, they never will be, and you would just be gone and I would be ALONE and I would miss you and I wouldn't have anyone, no one, I wouldn't want to be here anymore, I would want to be with YOU!"
She was breaking down again, not trying this time to hide her face.
Brittany held her gaze steadily as Santana stuttered through her upset explanation, nodding in understanding as she spoke. Her heart ached, low and deep for Santana at her admission that she was afraid of having no one, afraid of being alone. Santana couldn't even sleep alone, and to imagine the way she feared about being in the world alone made Brittany's veins run icy. She knew Santana's fears were a little bit true- if something happened to Brittany, it would ruin Santana's life, and the very same was true for the opposite.
"I couldn't do it without you either," She pointed out, her hands resting on Santana's waist. "I need you too, and thinking about anything happening to you makes me sad." Brittany said, rubbing her thumb a Santana's waist soothingly, letting her know she was equally as cherished and needed. "But you can't be this upset and scared about all the what ifs. I'm young and I'm healthy just like you, and we don't do dangerous things or anything like that." She pointed out. "One million things could happen to all of us, like this building could fall down or something could fall out of the sky and hit New York." Brittany shrugged her shoulders. "Crazy things happen, like, all the time, but I don't want you worried about me dying all the time. I need you here with me too and I know it's scary to think about," She soothed.
She knew Santana losing her was made even more terrifying after her family had brushed her off like that in the grocery store, a fresh wound that seemed to keep ripping open. "Not that anything is going to happen to me," Brittany began, "But if it did, you wouldn't be alone," She promised, reaching up to tuck Santana's hair behind her ears as she got increasingly more upset. "Kurt and Rachel would take care of you and be there for you, and so would everyone else like Quinn and Tina and Mercedes." She said confidently, even though they didn't talk to them that often, she knew for a fact they would come to Santana's aid. "You have plenty of friends that love you, and my family will always take care of you," She assured her, knowing that Santana needed to hear it, even though Brittany didn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. "Nothing will happen to me, but if it ever does, my family will make sure you're okay and you can always go to them for Christmas and call my parents when you need something." She promised, knowing the conversation wasn't about her, but about Santana's support system. "You have lots and lots of people who love you and will take care of you." Brittany leaned her head against Santana's temple wanting her to feel all of her and be reassured by her presence.
"But I'm healthy and I'm okay and I'll be here with you for a long, long time." She promised again, her lips at Santana's wet cheek.
Santana swallowed as Brittany held her at her waist, steadying her both physically and emotionally on her lap. She has never really, fully believed, as much as she knows that Brittany loves her, that Brittany needs her as much as Santana has always felt she needs Brittany- even before her attack. She's always felt her love for Brittany as so huge and deep it was almost scary, leaving her with a huge target of vulnerability by virtue. She knows Brittany loves her, but hearing that Brittany needs her, that she can't do without her, makes the horrible, aching void in her chest at the thought of losing her ease just a little more shut.
As Brittany continued to promise her that she would never be alone, no matter if something did happen to her, Santana leaned her face into Brittany's hand, soaking up the gentle affection she was giving her. She shook her head slightly, her voice hoarse, but more controlled than before, if still somewhat shaky.
"But they aren't you. And it wouldn't be the same. They aren't the same."
Still, it helps to hear that she could go to Brittany's family for Christmas and call them. She didn't like the idea of needing to be "taken care of," because that made her feel a little ridiculous given she was supposed to be a grown-ass adult, but she also couldn't deny that it were absolutely true that if something happened to Brittany, she would be rendered completely incapable of taking care of herself, adult or not. Hell, she was just barely, marginally beginning to be slightly capable of taking care of herself now.
"You have to stay okay," she murmured back as Brittany kissed her cheek, her grasp of Brittany becoming less frantic as she leaned into her, tired from her outburst. "You have to.. I love you too much for you to go...not be."
She can hear even to her own ears she isn't making much sense anymore, but she doesn't care.
"I know," Brittany agreed, knowing that while having the support from family and friends was nice, it wasn't the same and what they had could never, ever be replicated. She knew the words would comfort Santana anyway, listing off all the people who loved her and would take care of her if she ever needed anything and make sure she was okay, feeling her calm down a little in her lap, her grasp a little less desperate, gently loosening her arms around her as she laid back down on her chest.
She sighed, knowing the worst of Santana's outburst and despair was over, her hand coming to rub her back in long, lulling strokes. She knew part of it was Santana's hormones likely contributing to her emotional state because of her period, but she knew that truly, losing Brittany and being alone were Santana's biggest fears. "I'm right here," She soothed at Santana's fumbling protest. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you to much to ever leave you," Brittany promised, knowing that she couldn't decide nothing bad would ever happen to her, but knowing she had to comfort Santana in that moment.
"I could never lose you either," She hummed, rubbing Santana's back soothingly. "I have no idea who I'd even be right now without you." Her words were blunt and true, straight from her heart with no attempts to disguise her emotions or shield her raw need for Santana. Santana was the best thing in her life and she wanted her to know it. "You're my entire world," She promised, which was true. As it was, her life would be so empty if she didn't have Santana in it, something she wasn't confident Santana realized.
As Brittany continued to gentle Santana's emotions with her quiet, loving words and caressing hands, Santana gave a shudder, then went still against her, her muscles easing most of their tension. Brittany's promises to be there, that she loved her, that she couldn't lose her, were like an arrow to Santana's heart, bittersweet in giving relief and touching her at her most vulnerable spot, and yet hurting somehow at the same time with the rawness to the words and to the need of Santana's that it hit. A few more tears emerged, and when Brittany told her that she was her world, Santana gave an incredulous sob, hugging her a little tighter. She had mostly calmed, but that declaration set her emotions from teary due to anxiety and fear to teary from being overwhelmed with Brittany's vows of love for her.
"You're my world too," she whispered back. She lifted her face, cupping Brittany's face in her hands, and kissed her, gently at first, then more needily, sitting up in Brittany's lap.
Brittany smiled when Santana burst forth with a sob, knowing it wasn't out of sadness or fear and that she was just overwhelmed with the rawness of their conversation and the topic they were discussing. Every time she declared her love for Santana, even before the breakup, how much it affected Santana had always stunned her, as if she was always in shock that Brittany could love her so much, even though, to Brittany, her entire world was built around Santana and she had needed her every single day of her life since they were fourteen years old.
She rubbed Santana's back, hugging her close to her body as they reveled in each other's love for a few long, tender moments. "Even when I was on tour, you were still my world," She promised, "I just thought I had to let you build your own world," Brittany confessed, knowing they'd been through this conversation before but wanting Santana to know that she had never stopped loving her and her intensity of love had never wavered.
Smiling when Santana cupped her face, she nodded gently, showing Santana that she knew Santana loved her. When Santana brought their lips together, Brittany was pleasantly surprised, fearful that she'd be hesitant with affection after their too-much-too-fast shower make out. Brittany kissed Santana back tenderly, laughing into her mouth when she felt Santana sit up in her lap, her hand sliding through the hair at the base of her skull, sliding her tongue into Santana's mouth, her movements this time practiced and tender instead of rough and raw. She wanted to kiss her, but she was sure to be soft and gentle, giving Santana the option to pull away or take control.
Santana felt a shiver roll down her spine at Brittany's hands in her hair, and she slid her own hands up Brittany's back, over her shoulders, and down her arms, sitting up straight. She kissed her back with increased intensity, her tongue stroking roughly against Brittany's, pressing her body into Brittany's.
She feels something stir low down, a flare of need and desire for connecting and touch, and goes with it, one hand sliding slowly but without hesitation to cup Brittany's breast over her shirt. She looked at her under her eyelashes, gauging Brittany's response, even as her breathing quickened. Her makeup was smeared around her eyes and cheeks, and she knew she must look a mess, but she didn't care. Brittany never did.
Brittany moaned a little into Santana's mouth as her body pressed against hers, her tongue stronger and rougher than Brittany's. It was the second time that day that Santana had surprised Brittany with her dominance and force, her intensity sending heat straight to Brittany's core. It was a side of Santana she didn't often see, even when they were together. It was a side of Santana she loved and often tried to encourage her to find her footing and do what she felt natural, but it was especially surprising to see now.
And as attractive as it was, Brittany remembered what happened in the shower, how they'd been winding each other up only to fizzle out. Her hips canted upward and she grunted when Santana cupped her breast over her shirt, her eyes screwed shut, kissing every inch of Santana's mouth, their tongues twisting. When she had to pull away for air she gasped, her hand still on the back of Santana's neck holding her close to her face. She didn't want to stop- she really didn't want to. But she didn't want to freak Santana out again, and she didn't want them to be pulling at each other's clothes because Santana had recently had the realization that either of them could be gone at any moment. She would've loved to leave Santana's hand where it was and let her touch her and keep kissing and rolling their bodies against each other, but she knew, above all, she didn't want to scare her.
Reluctantly, she reached down to wear Santana's hand was kneading her breast, tugging her hand up and pressing it to Brittany's cheek, her own hand coming up to cover Santana's. "Santana," She whispered, waiting until she looked at her, both of their chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath. "That felt really good," Brittany said first, because Santana's face flickered and for a moment, it looked like she would shatter. "And I wanted that- I did. But I think we need to talk about what happened this morning."
She knew she didn't need to explain more about it, ever since it happened Santana had been clingy and easily upset, seemingly shaken by it. "I know we know each other's bodies, but I think we moved too fast this morning and I don't want to scare you." She said gently, her thumb rubbing against the soft skin at the back of Santana's neck. "I know it's a lot, and it's a lot for you, and I want you to feel good about it always."
Santana's pulse quickened at Brittany's moan, and she sucked Brittany's lip between her teeth, biting down with slight force as her body heated in response. She rubbed her thumb over the ball of Brittany's nipple, feeling it harden even through her clothing, and when Brittany's hips rocked up, Santana felt hers twitch forward in response, wanting to grind into her. Her mouth moved without rhythm against Brittany's as she kissed her with heat, alternating kissing lips, stroking tongue, and nipping teeth to make sure Brittany is thoroughly and completely engaged with all her mouth can offer her in pleasure.
When Brittany's hand slowly covered hers, lifting it from her breast and moving it to her cheek, Santana's heart stuttered, and even she felt her heated skin pale. Even as she struggled for breath, chest rising and falling rapidly, hot tears of her perceived rejection began to sting her eyes.
Brittany spoke softly, rubbing at Santana's neck, but Santana couldn't at first process her words, stuck in her own feelings. When they did sink in, she blinked, thrown.
"Scare me?" She said, honestly confused. "Why would I be scared of you, or anything about you? You could never scare me. Why wouldn't I feel good about anything I did with you? It's you."
Brittany watched the emotions ripple across Santana's face, not wanting her to get upset because they went too fast, but also not wanting her to get upset that Brittany had stopped her movements. She kept her hands on her, one on the back of her neck and one resting on her waist, letting them both breathe a little and settle their panting. She wanted to keep going, and Santana's hips pressed against hers wasn't make it any easier to stop, but she knew if either one of them balked again it would be just as upsetting as this morning and would make them both tense and confused, and she didn't ever want to be that way with Santana or make her sacred or upset.
When Santana questioned her, Brittany mirrored her confused expression, honestly not expecting that answer from her. Santana said it like it was obvious, like she'd never be scared of Brittany, and Brittany felt a confusing push-pull of emotions. On one hand, she felt relieve break over her like a wave, grateful beyond words that she'd never scared Santana, that Santana wasn't afraid of her. But confusion still lingered - Santana had looked absolutely crestfallen in the shower after she'd pulled back from her, which is what had made Brittany think it had been too much, questioning her own actions.
"This morning I- I thought I scared you before we were doing too much too fast. You stopped me and you looked so upset and I know I asked you if it was okay and you said yes, but I thought I should've been more gentle with you," She explained, confused about Santana's evident lack of fear. "I know before we had sex like…a lot, but I know you haven't done anything since what happened and I thought I should've moved slower and let you feel things again and see if you like them or didn't." She explained. It was true that before their breakup, sex often seemed like a race of who could get each other's clothes off faster, animalistic and fast and hungry, but she felt like now, moving too fast would only scare her.
Santana stared at Brittany, her brow furrowed as she took in her explanation. Her thoughts raced over each other as she attempted to remember clearly exactly how things had happened in the shower. It was hard to remember, step by step, given how she had been just a tad distracted by Brittany's body and touch and her own enjoyment.
Then she remembered what had given her pause- Brittany's mouth on her nipple. She hadn't been scared, though; she had paused because she was confused, because she was suddenly nervous and insecure about what they were to each other, and what it meant that Brittany, who had once told Brittany so long ago that sex was better "with feelings," could now, after so much time and so many years, apparently hook up with her without actually wanting to be dating her.
Remembering, Santana tried to give voice to her thoughts, refuting Brittany's words.
"No, you didn't scare me because you were touching me or because you were doing too much too fast," she said slowly, shaking her head. Her hand drifts down from Brittany's face, but she keeps their fingers entwined. "I wasn't scared. I was confused. Because..."
She paused, biting her lip, and her eyes skipped away briefly, struggling to say out loud the words that still felt so hurtful to even think. But she forced them out, her chest growing tight with the effort.
"You said you didn't want to...you know, date me. Be in a relationship with me. Not yet. You said I wasn't ready. But...but we've been kissing, and you touched me like that, and I liked it, I do, I didn't want it to stop. I don't want it to stop," she said more strongly, her eyes shifting up to Brittany's, dark with her tangle of emotions. "But I don't get it. Because...well if you don't want to be with me, like...dating me...why did you do that?"
She blinked against the new rush of tears that threatened, swallowing them back, and made herself keep explaining. "Because...you said sex is better with feelings, and I know we have feelings, obviously, but you don't want to date, and we're not kids anymore. I don't know why you would want to just hook up and not date me after...after everything. I mean, I would if you wanted to, but...but then you said it was a mistake, and you shouldn't have, and you were sorry for it, so I thought you didn't even want to do that, and...but now you were just, and you said..."
She stopped, even more confused and becoming more upset the more she tried to verbalize what she's thinking. Pressing her lips tightly together, she looked down, focusing on trying to keep herself from crying.
""I'm just confused," she said very softly after several moments. "I don't get it. I don't know when you think I'll be okay enough or normal enough or not crazy enough that you want to date again."
"Oh," Brittany said as Santana described her point of view, still confused but also glad that she hadn't scared Santana or hurt her with how fast or rough she'd been. Brittany had felt awful about it, seeing how upset Santana had looked in the shower, but knowing that she hadn't hurt her made her feel slightly better. She followed Santana's eyes as they flicked away from her, squeezing her waist gently to pull her eyes back to her. "Tell me," She coaxed gently, her voice soft, wanting Santana to say what she had to say. "You can always tell me," She added after a beat, waiting patiently.
She was glad that Santana did tell her, but felt her heart squeeze painfully knowing the real reason that she was upset. Hearing her confusion and the way she tried to put her words together. With a sinking feeling, she realize she had hurt Santana, just in a different way by confusing her and touching her and letting it go passed the point of 'not dating'.
Truthfully, she did want to be with Santana, and she'd been thinking about it more and more frequently lately and thinking about asking Santana to be her girlfriend. She had been rolling over the thought in her mind, but hearing Santana suggest that she just wanted to hook up with her and not date her made her heart break. Her own thoughts were spinning, wanting to set things straight for Santana, feeling guilty that she'd made her feel like she only wanted her to hook up with and not to be with. I don't know when you think I'll be okay enough or normal enough or not crazy enough that you want to date again. The words made Brittany exhale sharply, her lungs feeling like they were sharp and scratching in her chest, caught off guard by Santana's words, loathing that she could ever think that.
"Don't cry," Brittany pleaded, bringing her hands up to cup Santana's face. "You do not have to cry about this, I promise," She swore, leaning forward to press their lips together briefly before pulling away to speak. "Sex is better with feelings, and I do have feelings for you. I'm in love with you, Santana, and I never stopped being in love with you for a single minute." She promised, her eyes pleading, knowing she'd do anything to get Santana to believe her. "This has nothing to do with you being normal or crazy - you're not crazy, and I've wanted to be with you from the moment I caught you in the loft when I got back from Munich," She confessed.
"And I've been thinking about when to ask you to be my girlfriend, because I want to be with you. I've been thinking about it since Christmas, and I wanted to ask you then but then everything with your family happened and I didn't want to make you feel like I was only asking you to make you feel better after that." She paused, her tongue darting out to swipe at her lips, taking a breath. "I want you to be my girlfriend. Now. Forever." She said resolutely, cutting through all their feelings and confusion. "I don't regret us not dating right when I got back, because I think that would've been confusing and I think we needed to be together and talk about all the things we've talked about before we jumped into a relationship or something like that." She pointed out.
"I didn't want to confuse you or confuse you getting better with being with me, but you're already doing it and you're already getting better and I know I'm helping you but you're doing so much of it on your own and the more I watch it the more I fall in love with you." Brittany said in a rush before falling silent, her eyes on Santana, heart hammering in her chest at everything she'd just said. It was everything that had been in her head the past few weeks, and while it wasn't how she planned to say it, she knew it needed to be said right then.
Santana's eyes went huge with her surprise at Brittany's words, and she stayed very still, at first thinking she must somehow have misunderstood or misheard what Brittany had just told her. Her heart beat nearly quickly enough to rival a hummingbird's as her lips parted, but no words emerged. When she had replayed Brittany's words to her several times, examining them again and again to make sure she had understood, that she hadn't somehow tricked herself into just hearing what she wanted to hear, she blinked several times, letting out a slow, shaky breath.
Brittany wanted to be with her. Brittany wasn't rejecting her, had never intended to in the first place. Brittany didn't think she was crazy, or too much, or not enough.
Brittany wanted to be with her. Brittany wanted to be her girlfriend again. Not some time in the future, not eventually, or when Santana was good enough or strong enough or normal enough. Now. Brittany wanted her to be her girlfriend right now. Brittany wanted her to be her girlfriend forever.
Brittany had told her not to cry, but there was no way that was possible then. A noise somewhere between a whimper and a sob escaped her before she could push it back, and Santana threw her arms around Brittany's neck, hugging her so hard she felt her ribs strain against Brittany's with the force of it. Tears newly streaking down her face, she pulled back, giving her a brief but emotional kiss on the lips, then nodded, wiping at her still-streaming tears with both hands.
"Okay...yes, okay. Yes. I want to be your girlfriend too."
Brittany almost laughed at Santana's wide, unblinking look as she processed her words, and probably would've if the conversation topic wasn't so serious. She could tell Santana was shocked to hear this, giving her the time to process what Brittany was saying, her eyes trained on Santana's face to read her emotions. She would've never thought that she would've asked Santana to be her girlfriend sitting on the couch with Santana straddling her lap, fresh off watching an emotional movie and convincing Santana she wasn't going to die.
When Santana sobbed, it was like the stillness in the room had shattered, and as Santana flung herself forward, Brittany wrapped her arms tightly around her ribs, holding her safe and tight to her body, finally feeling like she could breathe again after her rush to convince Santana that she wasn't just interested in hooking up with her. It was an incredible feeling, the way Santana trusted Brittany with her whole body and heart, and Brittany held her close and safe, treasured and protected. She felt her own eyes sting as the different waves of emotions crashed over her, guilt for making Santana question her own worth in Brittany's eyes, relief that she'd finally asked Santana and, most of all, a surge of love for her.
Grinning when Santana pulled back to kiss her, she kissed her back eagerly, cupping her face in her hands and brushing her tears away after Santana swiped her hands across her cheeks.
"I love you. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you weren't enough to be with me," She said sincerely, her face so close to Santana's they were essentially nose to nose. "You have always, always been more than enough for me." Brittany said resolutely, knowing that for so many people in her life, family included, Santana felt like she wasn't enough.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," She mumbled against Santana's mouth, kissing her between each declaration, her heart feeling lighter than it had in a long time. "I realized during Christmas and everything I want you to always know you have me, and my family, and our little family of two people." She admitted lovingly.
As Brittany looked her in the eye, sincerity, regret, and love emanating from her expression, Santana's lips quirked, then split into a shaky smile. She shivered again under Brittany's hands, feeling soft, vulnerable, and yet lightheaded with relief at Brittany's words of reassurance and apology. She felt as cherished then as Brittany wanted her to. She felt as though Brittany's every kiss, every syllable of declared love was pouring salve into raw wounds, beginning to ease closed some of the cracks and splinters of her broken heart.
She felt wanted. She felt understood. She felt seen, but mostly, she felt loved. She almost even felt worthy of it.
"I love you," she replied shakily, the words breathless and small but returning every bit of earnest emotion. "I love you."
She kissed Brittany again, soft, open rather than showing the passion of before, but her heart whole heart is behind the gentleness of the gesture. She kissed her again, then again, her lips working against hers, before pulling back, sighing deeply, her body relaxing and going still as she let herself rest against Brittany.
"I'm so tired," she admitted with feeling. "It feels like today has lasted forever."
A lot had happened in a very short time. For Santana, whose world was generally kept predictable, safe, and secure by Brittany, the past 24 hours had been turned upside down with emotion and change. From getting her period to the fight with Brittany, to their make out and subsequent misunderstanding in the shower, to Kurt and Rachel coming over to the fear and anxiety stirred up by the movie, to what had taken place just minutes earlier, she had been riding wave after wave of emotion and insecurity. Now she felt nearly sapped of all mental and emotional energy she had left.
Although they'd said it to each other before, Brittany's heart stuttered when Santana repeated her I love yous to her, grinning from ear to ear, rubbing Santana's waist to comfort her, knowing she was still slightly shaken but overall okay. She was glad they'd finally had the conversation, albeit in a sudden an unexpected way, but Brittany wouldn't have wanted Santana to doubt herself for a moment longer, especially when the fears she was voicing were so real and true to Santana, things she genuinely believed when Brittany wasn't there to tell her the opposite.
She hummed when Santana folded her body against her, Brittany lifter her chin to let her tuck head against her shoulder, feeling her body sag comfortably against her. "I know, me too," Brittany admitted with a laugh. The past twenty fours had been crazy and it had been completely unexpected, a night and day filled with shock and tears and fighting and making up, truly feeling like it had been a week rolled into one. She felt bad that so much had happened right after Santana discovered her period, wanting her to at least get some rest if she could and spend the rest of their day close together and calm.
"Why don't you try to sleep for a little," Brittany suggested softly, knowing Santana initially wouldn't be a fan of the idea. "I'll put on a movie and you can put your head in my lap and just rest your eyes," She offered, trying to make the idea seem warm and inviting instead of scary to her. "Or you can lay on me right here and we'll watch a movie." Brittany said, knowing it would be slightly better for Santana if she could fall asleep to background noises and think of it as a quick "nap" instead of fully going to bed.
Santana scrunched her nose, not liking the idea of sleep, as Brittany had predicted. It wasn't that she didn't want to; if she could guarantee sleep that would be peaceful and dream free, she would in a second. But she didn't want to deal with anything further right now, given how emotionally taxing her day had been already.
When Brittany further suggested she "rest her eyes," she wavered, because that idea sounded cozier and less threatening than fully lying down in bed to sleep.
"Maybe...I'm not going to sleep though," she said. "I guess it doesn't hurt to get our cuddle on though."
Brittany grinned at her stubbornness, patting her back to silently tell her she wouldn't argue with her. She wrapped an arm around Santana, holding her to her body as she scooted sideways so she could lay back a little more and stretch her legs out, Santana still settled on top of her. She hoped Santana would be able to sleep for a little, choosing a movie that didn't look scary or too action-packed before putting the remote on the coffee table, snuggling in further. A lazy afternoon was just what they seemed to need, and Brittany knew the idea of resting on the couch would instantly be less frightening than going to their bed.
Reaching up, she tugged at the folded blanket they had along the back of the couch, draping if over both of their bodies where they lay stacked on each other as the movie began, some chick flick Brittany had never seen before. She'd made sure it was on a low volume before she put the remote down, low enough to fall asleep to but loud enough to hear and be comforting.
"Just relax," Brittany hummed, slipping her hands under the blankets and tugging up the hem of Santana's shirt so she could rub her bare back under the blanket, Santana's body rising and falling gently with Brittany's breaths as her head rested on her chest.