DISCONTENT
Disclaimer: As always, the regular characters belong to GNP, Gemma belongs to me, blah blah blah.
Kochanski wasn't happy. She and Gemma were sharing sleeping quarters, which Gemma moaned about, but had agreed to in the end. She hadn't mentioned the snoring. Gemma was making noises that could only be described as an obese warthog with a bad cold, and Kochanski couldn't sleep because of it.
"This she gets from her father. How is it possible to do this for eight hours a night?"
She had new respect for Rimmer, if Lister was half as bad as this buzz saw with arms. She reached over Gemma, who turned in her sleep, smacking Kochanski in the face on the process. Kochanski pinched Gemma's nose until the snoring stopped. She smiled and got back into bed.
Gemma opened her eyes and grinned. Winding up Kochanski was easy, and it never got old.
In the cafeteria the next morning, Kryten was busy serving everyone's breakfast. He was feeling sorry for Miss Kochanski, who seemed to be falling asleep in her muesli. Gemma, on the other hand, was looking decidedly happy, slouching in a chair with her feet up on the table.
Lister tucked into his pancakes with syrup and a beer milkshake when he noticed that Gemma didn't have anything to eat again.
"You not eating anything?"
Gemma took her feet off the table, sat up properly and pointed at Kryten.
"He is a sanitation droid. Who knows where those hands have been?"
Kryten walked back into the kitchen, feeling a bit down in the dumps. Ever since Gemma had arrived, any sense of humour had disappeared from the crew. As he left he heard Gemma getting another dig in at Lister.
"You are going to give yourself a heart attack if you eat all that, Fatboy."
Lister put down his fork and turned to face her.
"Well, that's got to be a record. Not even through breakfast, and you've insulted everyone already."
"My work here is done."
Gemma stood up and left the cafeteria. She headed towards the sleeping quarters, intending to put crumbs on Kochanski's bed, when she had a thought. She headed for the men's quarters instead. There had to be something in Lister's quarters to prove he dated her mother. She went into the room and started rooting around in Lister's drawers, doing her best to ignore the smell. She found a watch in a sock drawer, and switched it on. A bald head appeared on the mirror of the room.
"Morning Dave...you're not Dave."
"Nope, sorry. I'm Gemma. Aren't you the bald git from the Drive Room?"
"I'm the original bald git, from the first Red Dwarf. You're the pain in the backside of a daughter then."
"My reputation precedes me. I have a question, and you might answer me. The other version doesn't like me very much. Did Lister and Kochanski ever date?"
"Yes. For five weeks, just before planet leave on Mimas."
"Mimas? That's where my mother left the Space Corps and went AWOL."
Holly started to answer, but Gemma heard a noise in the corridor and switched the watch off. She hid in the cupboard, hoping to hear Lister mention her mother.
The crew walked into the sleeping quarters. Lister sat up on his bunk.
"How is it possible we produced someone so irritating? She's like Rimmer on a bad day."
"She's not that bad Lister. She just can't adjust to having you as a father. Let's face it, who would?" Rimmer replied.
"But she insults the crew, sir. How many times have explained to her that I always irradiate my hands?" Kryten was still upset about being insulted earlier.
"It's not like we forced her to stay. She makes like she's doing us a favour or something. She would if she left." Cat was convinced Gemma was a lesbian. Why else would she turn him down?
"I hate to speak ill of my blood, but I don't think I can take much more of this. She's driving me bonkers." Lister was sick of the fights, and having to tiptoe around Gemma, but getting insulted anyway.
"Maybe we could ask her to return to her own dimension." Kryten piped up.
"That'll be a nice conversation, won't it? Hi, your father and I think you're about as nice as a rabid monkey, please vacate the ship. Any volunteers?" Kochanski was being sarcastic, and was slightly worried when Cat raised his hand and Lister looked happier than she'd seen him for days. When Rimmer defended her, she was ready to get a drugs test for hallucinogens in her system.
"Think about it. You say Kochanski didn't fit in when she first appeared, what makes you think Gemma's any different? She's just discovered that the father she never knew isn't worth knowing in the first place. Try asking her to be a bit friendlier."
"Have you ever tried telling a tiger it has to turn vegetarian?" Cat quipped.
The crew left the room, discussing ways to get Gemma off the ship. Gemma left the cupboard and strapped the watch on her wrist. She would need the help of the computer.
Gemma dressed overalls and headed down to the landing bay. There was only one vehicle, a beat up old Starbug, which she could see had once been in three pieces, but had been welded together. The engine was clapped out, but Gemma thought she might be able to do something with it. She quickly got to work. She would be busy all day, but she doubted the crew would notice.
Hours later, Gemma switched on the engine to the newly fixed Starbug. Holly appeared on the monitor, looking confused.
"Here, what's going on?"
"I've tapped you into Starbug's controls, so I can't be followed. Could you run autopilot on this thing?"
"I suppose so. You fixed Starbug?"
"Just cleaned it up a bit. I've repaired the take off and landing mechanisms, given the engine a service to improve its speed a bit, attached a monitor to the radar so I can navigate and drive at once, and installed a hot chocolate dispenser."
"Smarty pants."
"My mother sent me to Space Academy at 15. I stayed for three years and studied astro engineering and mechanics. Graduated the top student in my class."
"Then what?"
"I became a waitress on Saturn. I had no interest in the Space Corps."
Gemma drove Starbug out of the landing bay and into Deep Space. Holly locked on to a planet with a breathable atmosphere, and headed for it.
"So what's the deal with you and the crew? You haven't even been to Rimmer's organ recital night yet."
Gemma considered her answer for a minute. She hadn't really thought about it herself.
"I guess it's because I never really got on with my mother much. She was constantly trying to find news about Red Dwarf to find my father, which made her miserable when she never found out the truth after following every lead she found. Seeing her happy and successful kinda makes me sick."
She fished an old photograph out her jacket pocket, and held it up to the monitor. It was Gemma in a gown standing next to a woman with grey hair and a frown.
"This is Kristine Z. Kochanski the way I knew her. My mother."
"Yikes, I never thought Lister could have that affect on a woman. Best not show this to Lister. Kochanski either for that matter, or they may either run for hills or kill you."
"Right after this was taken my mother told me I had to find my father, since she couldn't. No congratulations or anything. I left that night."
"Hang about, ten minutes to landing."
Starbug landed on the planet, Gemma activated the cloak, to make the ship invisible. She picked up her jacket, strapped on Holly's watch and left the ship. She stepped out onto the grass, and stopped to look around. She had landed in a deserted playground, and it looked oddly familiar.
"This park looks like one I used to play in." She put her hands in her pockets and found something. She pulled out a bunch of keys.
"These are for a Mercedes!! I always wanted one of them, but where did they come from? What the hell is going on?"
"Dunno. Try the keys."
Gemma walked to the edge of the park to find a silver Mercedes in the car park. She looked around, but saw no one and tried the keys. The doors opened, and Gemma got in. She knew where she was heading.
She got out of the car in a nice looking street, and looked up at the house she stopped at.
"This is my old house. Has the planet somehow recreated my childhood?"
"How d'you explain the car then?"
Gemma took a deep breath and opened the door to the house. She walked into a kitchen that sparkled. Everywhere around the corner tops gleamed, and there were appliances on every surface; toaster, deep fat fryer, kettle, microwave, the list seemed endless.
This can't be my home after all, everything matches, and it's clean. Back home we had a multi coloured kitchen and grubby counters." Gemma admitted, and was somehow upset by it. She heard footsteps behind her and was heading for the door when she heard a voice to stop her in her tracks.
"Gemma! Back from your adventures I see. I've been so worried about you. How is the exciting life in Deep Space then?" A beaming Kochanski stepped into the kitchen. This Kochanski was nothing like either of the other two she had known so far. She was grinning from ear to ear, dressed in a flowery apron. She even had flour on her cheek, like Gemma had seen in movies set in the fifties.
"I thought I heard you come in. So how's it going kid?" The new voice came from a Lister look alike. This Lister had a moustache and glasses, and was dressed in trousers, shirt and tank top, of all things. Gemma couldn't help wondering what the Lister on Red Dwarf would think of this version.
"How's the saxophone playing? Still at it, eh? Maybe we could have a bit of a blast later on, you on sax, me on guitar."
"Saxophone? Mum wouldn't let me have a saxophone. She said if my father's talents were anything to go by it would sound like I was wringing out a pig."
"Nonsense, dear. Anyway, there's someone who'll be glad to see you coming back." Kochanski nodded at something behind Gemma when arms grabbed her in a bear hug.
"Glad to see you, Gem." Arnold Rimmer came into Gemma's view, and she was released from the bone crushing cuddle.
"Great news, I passed my engineer's exam while you were away, so I might be able to get a place on the same ship as you."
"Arnold?"
"Well of course it's me you silly thing, who else would it be?"
"Dinner will be ready very shortly, and I made your favourite." Kochanski chimed in.
Gemma stared at the three people facing her, with grins that only belonged on the Joker from Batman. She was starting to get an inkling of what was going on, but it didn't make her any happier.
"Errr...I'm not that hungry. I ate before I left the ship. I think I'll just go up to my room." With that she turned up the stairs behind her, and into the bedroom she knew would there. The new bed with clean sheets, rows of CDs she had never been allowed to listen to and a shiny alto saxophone in the corner confirmed her theory. She switched the watch on.
"Holly, this planet has recreated everything I've ever had a fantasy about. I feel like I've stepped into the twilight zone or something."
"You wanted parents from a 1950s soap opera?"
"Not exactly, I wanted parents who were proud of me, and those old movies never had families arguing for long."
"And Rimmer passing his exam?"
"I want him to be happy. He thinks passing his exam will make him happy."
"That ain't a fantasy, it's a bleeding miracle."
"Whatever, Holly. I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed." She went to a chest of drawers and pulled out a pair of pyjamas covered in snowmen. "First thing tomorrow we'll get away from this hell-hole."
"So you get everything you've ever wanted, and you don't want it?"
"That's about it, yeah."
"Women!! You're never happy are you?"
Gemma switched off the watch and got into bed. She couldn't try to deal with this new world yet, she'd have to face it in the morning.
In the morning, Gemma got out of bed and switched Holly on.
"Morning Gemma. This watch lark isn't too bad once you get used to it. I get time off every day and hardly anything to do."
"Glad you're enjoying it, Holly. We'd better get off this rock before I go nuts."
"It just show that you never really want you want once you get it."
"Shut up Holly. It's too early and too confusing for all the philosophy crap and insights into the human psyche."
Gemma walked down the stairs quietly, to make sure she wasn't heard. She only hoped she wouldn't be greeted by the grinning triplets offering her stacks of pancakes, or she just may be forced to wipe the grin from at least one of their faces. If she was forced to punch one of them, she hoped it would be Lister.
The kitchen was deserted, and it wasn't so tidy anymore. The dishes hadn't been washed, and the counters were dirty, probably from the meal the night before. Three people could sure as hell make a lot of mess. Gemma walked over to the counter, and saw two piles on the floor. She knelt down and saw that they were bones.
"Bones? What is going on here, Holly?"
"I don't know for sure, but I think those bones might be your welcoming party from last night."
"Eh?"
"Those bones are the remains of your perfect parents."