Chapter Sixty-Eight
Sick. You're sick. Sick, Lorna, you're fucking sick. Sick, fucked up and mentally insane. The words played on a loop in Lorna's mind. She felt her lips involuntarily begin to tremble and she rapidly removed herself from the older girl's arms. A hand was brought up to her forehead and she utilized it to push back her hair. Nicky's words continued to repeat through her mind and though Nicky surely meant them in a compassionate, affectionate, manner Lorna's fucked up mind twisted them and turned them into a negative meaning. Because no matter what sort of façade she tended to put up, truly, deep down she completely and utterly hated herself. Maybe she did do the things she did to aide in her death. Maybe the starving and purging was her sick, messed up, way of committing a slow and drawn out suicide.
"Come back here, baby. Come let me cuddle you, please," Nicky lovingly called out when she witnessed Lorna pull away and start madly pacing through the room as she'd done previously.
Her heart ached enormously to watch it. She walked over to her, seconds later when she watched Lorna finally stop and sink to the floor against the wall in the corner of the room to the left of the door, and kneeled on the floor right beside her. Her hand gently placed overtop of Lorna's which was restlessly fidgeting on the top of her knee. "Lorna," she murmured. "Lorna, look at me."
The brunette kept her head pointed straight ahead with her brown eyes peering lifelessly into the abyss. All she heard was the echoing comment of how sick she was. Sick in the fucking head. She was sick and fucked up and god, she wished she didn't exist. She longed to not exist anymore. To just poof away. Maybe then the people she loved wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to constantly fucking worry and stress over someone like herself. She was not worth all that trouble, all the heartache and pain.
A snuffle sounded through her nose and she brought a hand up to grapple around the back of her own neck. Nails fiercely dug their way into the skin of it. Tears gradually pooled at the bottom of her eyes and she did her hardest to resist allowing them to release. Instead she used that as motivation to deepen the contact between her nails and neck. She wanted to feel the sharpness of them inside her flesh. Pain was what she needed, what she deserved for all the hurt she caused Nicky, and Franny, and even Mikey.
The silence was ironically deafening to Nicky. Uneasy and unnerving. She chewed down on the side of her mouth and brought Lorna's hand up to her face, pressing her lips onto its flesh. After giving it a tender kiss, she placed the hand on her chest and held it there with her own. Hoping the warmth of her own skin would ease away whatever was ailing Lorna. "Lorna, I need you to look at me so I know you're here. Please. You're worrying me. We need to talk. We need to talk about what's bothering you. I wanna help you but you need to talk to me. I don't know what you're feeling or thinking and I need to know so I can help," she pointed out, brushing her fingers over and over along the hand she held.
Swallowing the saliva which had soaked up the majority of her mouth by that point from having been staring blankly ahead with it open for the past few minutes, Lorna very timidly turned her head and peered back at the older teen. Guilt formed a sharp pang in her chest to see the sadness and agony oozing from the loving brown eyes of her girlfriend. "I'm sick, hon. Sick and fucked up in the head. And I just—you shouldn't have to be stuck with someone like me. I don't want you to be stuck with me when I'm all screwed up like this. You, you deserve more, hon."
"Stop…stop it," Nicky whispered, a few small sniffles accompanying it afterwards. She lifted Lorna's hand from her chest, brought it up to her lips for one final soft kiss, and released it so that she could place both of her hands on either side of her face. Tears poured down from her eyes, slightly blurring her vision, and her lower lip sucked in under her top one. "You're not fucked up. You're not screwed up. Oh, my Lorna, when I said you're sick—sweetheart, I didn't…I didn't mean it as an insult or in a bad way. I meant it as you're not okay and you need help. You can't get over this on your own, baby, you can't. You need help and support and, most importantly, you need love. I can give all of those things to you. I want to. And Dr. Poussey will help and support you too. But you have to let us help you, please."
Lorna's head violently shook at the mention of needing help or support. While part of her may have yearned for both of those things, her self-loathing wouldn't allow her to give in. She wasn't worthy or deserving of help and support. And because of that, she certainly didn't need either of those things. Those would just take her farther and farther away from her goal. She swallowed thickly, peering down at her knees. It was a constant battle with herself—a battle that she would never win. She just wanted it all to stop. For all the pain to poof away and the darkness to turn to light. But, of course, that was all only wishful thinking. Unattainable wishful thinking that no matter how much effort she put in, she'd never be worthy enough for either of those to happen. Only good people had good things happen and she clearly wasn't a good person.
"I'm sorry, hon. I know, I know ya didn't mean it that way. You're always so loving to me."
The sound of the clock ticking from its spot on one of the walls suddenly caught Lorna's attention midway through what she was saying and she halted herself, twisting her head around to fix her eyes on the object. It wasn't long before she grew entranced to its ticking and completely lost track of the conversation or what words she had been busy spewing out. Instead her mind numbed itself out and all that it focused on was the continuous ticking of the damned clock. It certainly hadn't been the loudest noise in the room but that didn't stop it from being the most mesmerizing to Lorna's ears in that particular moment. Of course it was likely only another way for her to prolong from completely being open with Nicky, she realized.
Head shaking incessantly, Nicky chewed in her bottom lip and couldn't control the tears from falling along her cheeks. She wrapped her arms securely around the back of Lorna's head, embracing it protectively against her chest. Fingers soothingly raked through the dark strands of her hair. Leaning forward, she naturally pressed her chin overtop of Lorna's head and shut her eyes for a moment or two. Using that time to calm her own whirling emotions. It stung like a needle through her skin to hear and see how utterly broken the girl she loved happened to be—regardless of if she admitted to it or not.
"You don't need to apologize for anything," Nicky finally broke the silence with a sternly spoken, matter-of-fact, comment. Her hands reached for Lorna's cheeks and she used her grip on them to gently lift her head back up so that their eyes were staring straight into one another. Fingertips brushed like feathers along the flesh her hands were wrapped around. "No, no, doll. I shouldn't have said it the way I said it. I can be a real impulsive talker sometimes and forget to think before I say my thoughts out loud. I'm sorry, Lorna. I don't want you to ever feel like I think poorly of you because I don't and never will," lips pressed warmly onto the rim of one of the other's ears. A sigh puffed out of her as she ran her fingers up and down along its skin.
Now Lorna was the one to shake her head and in a rather fervent manner. Nicky's voice and gestures rapidly brought her out of her momentary trance of the ticking clock and back to the reality of the current situation. Both of her hands reached up to rest over the ones which cradled around her own cheeks, palms caressing around the flesh of each one below. She shifted her eyes so they were looking back into the older one's and a sigh made its way from her larynx to note the tears which lined the lids of them.
With her thumb raised, Lorna gently placed it on the area right below where Nicky's eyelids were. She used it to gently wipe away the tears. "But you're right, hon. I am sick. Why sugar coat it? Ya don't like to do that anyway and I don't need ya too," her voice softly reassured the redhead, eyes holding their gaze on her.
"Lorna, I'm not sugar coating it but you are taking it in a negative way. That's why I need to think more before I say things to ya. I know how you are and how you interpret other people's words. You don't do it purposefully, I know, but you always end up twisting what any of us say to you into something worse than how they were really meant. It's not your fault for doing that, kid, I just—I shoulda took that into consideration before I said that to ya is all." Nicky gave a small tilt of her head while caressing her fingers ever-so-delicately around her cheeks.
A snuffle sounded from the nostrils of her nose. "Your eyes are leaking." Lorna changed the subject quite drastically, not wanting to keep talking in circles on a matter that didn't really help cease her exasperation.
Such an unusual—as well as unexpected—statement brought an instinctive chuckle out of Nicky. "My eyes are leaking, huh?" She copied Lorna's gesture, bringing one of her own hands up to the very same spot where Lorna's was resting and placed it right beside hers. The tears came in contact with her palm almost immediately. "You're right, kid, they are leaking. Huh, that's strange—my eyes must be broken because they never have a leaking problem like this," another chuckle escaped, one that wasn't much of a playful one like it usually was. More of an empty chuckle. A chuckle to just fill the silence.
It was her natural response to let out a laugh or giggle of her own any time she heard Nicky do so but this time she found herself easily refraining. This time it sounded different coming from her girlfriend. Like the chuckle was only for Nicky to use as a crutch to keep from her own real feelings and emotions. The same way Lorna's constant pretending happened to be her security crutch. And the more she allowed her mind to dwell on it the more she came to conclude it was her own fault that Nicky needed that crutch of chuckling to begin with. She was causing her an overwhelming amount of stress.
"Well, what uh what's making your eyes leak so much? Maybe we should worry about you for a change, hon. Don't ya think?"
Having the table so rapidly turned on her, Nicky couldn't think of how to respond to it other than with even yet another chuckle. Hands were thrown up in the air and her shoulders recoiled up in a shrug. When did she become the focal point of the conversation? It was Lorna who needed to be open, who needed to stop fucking insisting she was fine when it was so damn obvious she was on the brink of collapsing. And then it hit her. Maybe she, too, was on the brink of collapsing.
Taking her lower lip in under her top one, Nicky snuffled air through her nose and swallowed down what saliva was sitting in her mouth. Her eyes peered at Lorna, a solemnness oozing out from them. Though she felt rather somber, Lorna's concern naturally brought a warmth to her chest and through the veins in her skin. She tightened her arms around her and buried her face in the dark strands of hair which were cascading along the upper parts of Lorna's shoulders. "I'm just…it scares me, kid, it scares me the possibility of losing you. And right now, that's a very real thing that could happen," the words slightly tremored through her lips.
A breath, or two, were slowly drawn into the nostrils of Nicky's nose. Being vulnerable with anyone was a challenge but even more so with Lorna. Lorna meant everything to her and she loathed showing her her vulnerable side. Though it wasn't the fondest thing, it also felt quite natural to allow herself to show that part of her to Lorna. "You're withering away to nothing, Lorna and if-if ya keep not eating, losing you will be a real possibility and I don't want that. I don't want to lose you, doll. I love you more than anything. I can—I can really see spending my life with you, Lorna, so I can't lose you. Please, Lorna, please promise me you'll start taking care of yourself? I'll help you but ya gotta be serious about this."
Lorna swallowed uneasily but nodded her head copiously. Her hands pressed delicately into the flesh of both the redhead's cheeks. Eyes melded into each other's and Lorna leaned closer to rest her forehead on Nicky's. A pang molded inside her chest to hear the distress trickling from the other's words. "Of course, honey, I promise. I'll do better. I don't want you stressing and worrying over me—I promise I'll, erm, I'll make sure ya don't lose me. Whatever, whatever I can do for ya please just let me know, hon," she lovingly did her best to reassure her blatantly worried girlfriend.
"I appreciate that, babe," Nicky murmured back. She inhaled a deep breath, pressing a kiss to the back of Lorna's head near where she was resting her face. Closing her eyes for a moment, she swallowed thickly and let one of her hands rake softly through the younger teen's dark hair. "You know what would make me feel less worried, doll?"
The query brought a rapid head bob from Lorna. She inched her face slightly away, enough so that her hands were cupping Nicky's face directly in front of her own and gazed attentively into her eyes. Palms stroked slowly up and down each cheek. "What's that, honey?"
Arms wrapped securely around Lorna's neck. The answer she was about to give was one she wasn't too sure if it would go over well with Lorna. She used her nerves to bury her face in the crook of her girlfriend's neck for a few silent moments. "If you come with me to the cafeteria and have something very small to eat, yeah? We can get a coffee, too, but I really would like for ya to try eating something. Whatever you're comfortable with, doll."
A hard swallow was taken. Lorna bit down on her tongue and tried to push the automatic defensive anger aside. Having Nicky's face in her neck was a sufficient distraction from said anger; she sighed and nuzzled her chin on the top of Nicky's head. "Okay, hon, I can do that. Coffee would make it less stressful—maybe a granola bar would go good with that? My mom used to always sit at the kitchen Island with a coffee and granola bar in fronta her while she read the morning paper."
"Your mom sounded like a smart lady, doll." Nicky cautiously commented as she lifted her head from Lorna's neck and moved her arms down to encircle around her waist. She pressed a soft kiss atop her head before leading the pair of them closer to the door. One hand she used to grab onto Lorna's IV pole to avoid any tripping. A small smile was given to the shorter teen, "Coffee and a granola bar sounds like a plan. Any particular kind ya like? Fruity, chocolatey, caramelly?"
Lorna nodded her acknowledgment with a faint smile of her own. One that didn't reach her eyes but was a smile, nonetheless. She leaned her head onto Nicky's shoulder and felt a warm gush of air tingle through the entirety of her body. "Hmm, I don't know. I think my mom always bought the chocolate chip ones. I guess I'll go with that if they have it, course'."
"Well then, if your precious heart desires a chocolate granola bar then that's what you'll get. I'll make sure my sweet girlfriend gets whatever she'll truly enjoy," the taller teen matter-of-factly stated, tousling a loving hand through Lorna's hair while finally reaching the door and helping her to carefully maneuver out of it.
The cafeteria was hustling and bustling when the pair of teen's arrived only ten minutes after they'd left Lorna's room. Patients and families of patients buzzed through the line with trays of food and cups of beverages. Lorna watched them closely as she followed behind her girlfriend towards the entrance into the food area. A sigh escaped her to see how none of them appeared uneasy or anxious to have those meals in their hands. She averted her eyes away and wished she didn't have such a complicated relationship with food. Maybe if she hadn't, she wouldn't be in this hospital to begin with. Another sigh came through and she continued walking about until she saw Nicky stop at a shelf a few feet in.
She followed suit, stopping beside her and allowing her eyes to search the area in front of them. Granola bar after granola bar made up the shelves and the many different options brought a vastly overwhelming sensation over her. Eyes swiftly moved from one to the next, so fast that she nearly felt dizzy. Since when did granola bars come in so many flavors? A lump formed in the pit of her stomach as she continued to search through them all.
"What a selection, huh kid?"
Lorna snapped her head around, body flinching at the unexpected comment from her girlfriend. "Huh?" Puzzled lines formed on the flesh of her forehead as she looked unnervingly across at the other.
The aloof expression etched on her face had a bout of concern forming on Nicky's. She turned to properly examine her and framed a hand tenderly around one of her cheeks. "I was just sayin' they have a big selection of granola bars, yeah? I mean whatever your heart desires, looks like they probably got it," her voice warmly spoke against Lorna's ear. She curled a loose strand of brown hair delicately behind that same ear with her thumb.
A small nod was given in response. Lorna bit down on her lip and averted her eyes slightly to the side. Guilt rose through her body at her own previous reaction to such a simple statement. Why was she the way she was? A question that ran about her mind quite often recently. She sucked in a large breath and brought her eyes back onto Nicky. Lips pursed into a constricted smile. "Oh, erm, yeah. They do got a lot of choices. Didn't realize they made so many varieties of granola bars these days," she pointed out with a slight bounce of her shoulders.
Eyes returned onto the shelves upon shelves assorted granola bars. There were so many—too many to make a decision of which one was wanted by Lorna. She squinted and brought her hands up to cup around each of her eyes as if the gesture would magically assist her in finding the right bar to choose. A sigh forced its way out of her. It was a simple choice that needed made and yet there she stood growing incessantly more and more apprehensive.
She moved her hands from her eyes and reached for a wrapper covered bar from upon the shelf, bringing it to her face to examine it on a more precise level. Her fingers flipped it over on the palm of her other hand so that it was lying with the nutrition facts right-side up. Maybe the calorie contents would aide her better in choosing a bar to consume, she thought. The number she read made her inwardly cringe and, so, she placed it back on the spot she took it off of only seconds ago.
The next bar she picked up and read the information on, she felt a little less cringy about but still wasn't too keen. It was replaced on the shelf and a third one was grabbed at. Brown eyes looked meticulously over the numbers displayed upon the back of the bar. The number wasn't the best but it would suffice, she acknowledged. She clutched it tightly in her hand and quickly backed away from the overflowing shelf of granola bars. Thankful to finally be free of the suffocating volume of options.
Eyeing Lorna suspiciously, Nicky felt her concern drastically increase upon seeing her pick and put back multiple bars before finally settling on whichever one was in her possession now. Despite the concern, she chose not to voice it and instead followed her towards the coffee line that wasn't too far from where the shelf of bars happened to be. She stood to the side of her as they waited in the line and placed a tender hand atop her shoulder. Watching her struggle so heavily around food made her thoughts ponder on how difficult it would be to help her through this. Whatever it was. She still didn't fully understand or know what Lorna was dealing with when it came to food and her scarily shrinking body. All she knew was that she couldn't allow any of it to continue spiraling downward.
There were several people ahead of them so while they waited Nicky snaked a protective arm around the shorter girl's waist and fixed her eyes on the bar residing in her hands. She squinted them a slight amount when she read the label on the packaging before shifting her eyes back up in Lorna's direction. "Cranberry nut bar, hmm? I thought ya were gonna go for chocolate chip, kid." The question came skeptically out of her mouth, eyebrows curving up in a perturbed manner.
Bouncing her shoulders up in a shrug, Lorna gradually grew defensive at her girlfriend's interrogation. She covered both hands over the bar out of habit so that no other eyes could glance at it. "I changed my mind. I like cranberry," her lower lip went inward and she turned her head away to avoid eye contact with Nicky. Nicky who had those all knowing eyes that were easily able to read her like a damn book. Lorna inhaled deeply and focused her eyes straight ahead at the coffee menu hanging on the back wall. She tried to immerse herself with the wording on it, however, her mind refused to cooperate. Fixated on the fact that the only reason the cranberry nut bar was in her hands over the chocolate was because its caloric content was a measly ten less than the other.
"Are ya sure that's all?" Nicky interjected upon seeing the disdain reflecting from Lorna's face. It molded an ache in her chest to observe such a sight. She let her fingers stroke softly into the cloth covering the shoulder her hand rested over. "You really seemed set on the chocolate chip earlier, doll. Why don't ya trade that for the one ya really want, yeah?" She peered lovingly into the younger teen's eyes, saddened by the very subtle fear which appeared to be oozing from them.
"It's not a big deal, hon. I'm fine with the cranberry, okay? Please stop pestering me about it."
"I'm not pestering you, I just wanna make sure ya picked one ya actually enjoy. You said you wanted chocolate earlier so I just, I'm confused why ya chose the cranberry is all."
Lorna shook her head violently and squeezed the bar even tighter in her hands. The room became overbearing with voices of surrounding conversations piercing through her ears. And the replay of Nicky's comments echoed in her head only added to the sudden constricting air which now loomed heavily around her. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter what one I pick, Nicky, I don't enjoy food. I haven't enjoyed food in a long time and a granola bar isn't gonna change that," the words shrieked out of her.
Quickly, upon their release, Lorna felt shameful of the way she spoke to Nicky. She chewed down on the side of her mouth and glanced regretfully across at the redhead. Tears threatening to spill from her eyes. She loathed herself for getting so defensive towards one of the few people who truly and utterly cared for her. Nicky certainly didn't deserve that from her. A sigh came through. Nicky was one of the only people who wanted to help her, to support her through this and yet she showed her nothing but anger and defensiveness in return. She wasn't fucking good enough for Nicky. Not now, not ever.
"Sorry—Sorry," Lorna quickly mumbled out once she collected herself. Her hand innately reached for Nicky's and she gave it a gentle squeeze, stroking fingertips delicately around its palm. "I'm so sorry, hon. I didn't mean to sound so bitter. I know—I-I, uh, I know ya just wanna help but I just…I don't wanna fuss over the type a bar I got. Please. I appreciate you, Nicky, I really do but please let's not talk about what kinda bar this is, okay?"
Scratching her temple exhaustively, Nicky nodded but inwardly felt like her chest was on fire. Lorna's outburst only intensified the concern which was already consuming her whole it felt like. She tightened her arm around her waist and pulled her slightly closer for easier access to peck the top of her head with her soft lips. "You don't need to be sorry," she murmured in a hushed tone, one hand rubbing very slowly up and down Lorna's spine. "I just hate how much you're struggling, doll. You shouldn't have to be this afraid of food—hell, you shouldn't be afraid of food at all. I wish I could snap that fear away from you. I really do, my sweet Lorna."
Shoulders recoiled up in a shrug and an empty smile was formed from the corners of her lips. "S'okay, hon. I can manage," Lorna assured her, giving Nicky's hand a comforting squeeze.
Nicky shook her head. Eyes melded fiercely into the brunette's; intense lines creasing on the flesh of her forehead as she methodically searched over every last millimeter of her girlfriend's cherub face. She had to grind down on her teeth to retain them from clattering due to the building fury. Fury not at Lorna but at whatever it was that happened to cause Lorna's strong, unwavering, anxiety towards food and her body. It wasn't normal, she thought, not at all. No one should ever feel the way her Lorna was feeling.
"Lorna, it's not okay. It's not okay that you have so much fear and worry over what food you put inside you. You shouldn't have to feel this way, it's not fair. You don't deserve to feel like this, baby, you really don't. This is unfair, so fucking unfair that a sweet person like you has to suffer with all of this—"
"I've learned that life just ain't fair, hon." Lorna interrupted with a large shrug of her shoulders alongside one of her hands being carelessly thrown in the air. The same lifeless smile from earlier retained its spot on her face and she fixed her eyes into the abyss. Head shook at both her own words and Nicky's. "I don't remember what fair is hardly anymore. It's been a real long time since life's been normal for me."
Tears slowly flowed down Nicky's cheeks without even a warning. She used her arm that was around Lorna's waist to turn her around so that the fronts of their bodies were properly facing each other and she pulled her in for a warm embrace. "But doll that doesn't make any of this okay. It's not okay or right that you have to struggle so damn much with this food issue on top of everything else going on in your life. I mean, babe, how much can ya take? You're just one person. Why do ya have to be given so much fucking shit to deal with huh?"
To see the tears falling from her eyes and hearing the melancholic vibe in her voice both brought a guilty pang to Lorna's chest. She swallowed uneasily but gave a loving squeeze to Nicky's hand. A slight frown melded onto her face as she fixed her eyes on the girl. "I don't know, hon, I don't know the answers to your questions. Maybe God is mad at me and is punishing me with all this, I don't know." Shoulders lifted upward in concurrency with her statement. That was the only conclusion she could think of which made any bit of sense as to why there was so much shit she had to endure through life.
"You know I don't believe in God and all that, kid, but if God were real isn't she supposed to be about love and forgiveness and shit?"
Lorna scrunched her nose and squinted her eyes after hearing her girlfriend refer to God as a she. Never in her fifteen years of life did she ever ponder over whether or not God truly was a man or woman. It was just automatically assumed God was he, the father. She swallowed a large volume of saliva and shook herself from her thoughts. "She? Why are ya callin' God a she, Nicky?" Eyebrows arched up curiously over two intrigued brown eyes.
Moving her shoulders subtly upwards, Nicky stroked her hand which had still rested on Lorna's back slowly up and down its length. Religion and God were certainly not her fortes, however, that didn't mean she hadn't ever thought about those things. If God were a real being there was no reason God couldn't be a Goddess, Nicky deemed. "Well, why can't God be a she?" She queried back, furrowing a brow at Lorna.
"What do ya mean, Nicky? God's the fatha—that's what the priest says. God can only be a man, hon, the priest says so at church." Lorna replied, her face scrunched up the same as it was seconds prior. Confusion taking up the majority of it as she glanced up at her girlfriend. She didn't understand what brought on such a strange conversation but realized maybe this was what the both of them needed right now. It was an innocent, light-hearted, debate. One that kept her mind off the food and calories sitting in her hand.
"Doll, just cause the priest says that doesn't mean he's right," the redhead softly pointed out, lifting her hand to comb delicately through Lorna's dark brown waves of hair. "Besides isn't God some spirit that none of us can see anyway?"
An unnerving nod was given by Lorna. Where the hell was Nicky getting at with this? The query popped through her mind causing her eyebrows to curve up once more. "Well, yeah, but what's that got to do with anything?"
A chuckle sounded through Nicky's windpipe at the puzzled mien on her girlfriend's face. She wrapped her arm back around her waist and pulled her closer yet again. Her head leaned forward and rested over the top of Lorna's. "I'm just sayin' if God is just some spirit then God can certainly be a Goddess if she wants, yeah? Of course she would never come close to the level of goddess you are, my beautiful doll, but she can always dream," Nicky murmured breathily into the brunette's ear.