THE BET
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Rimmer was busy reading in his bunk when Holly appeared on the mirror. This annoyed Rimmer who was convinced the spiteful computer did this when he wasn't looking, took photos of whatever he was doing and showed them to Lister. It hadn't happened yet but Rimmer, paranoid as he was, was convinced Holly was just waiting until he let his guard down.
"Morning Rimmer."
"Morning Holly."
"Are you doing anything important in the next few weeks?"
Rimmer thought this was an odd question to ask. He'd better pretend he was busy until he found out what Holly was getting at.
"Other than writing a definitive log of the ship's supply decks, arranging the tins in rows according to colour and destroying Lister's guitar, not really."
"Do you want to resit your engineer's exam?"
Holly knew what the answer would be, and took no pleasure in letting Rimmer know this was possible, but it was his duty. Damn his duty, if only that had been one of the circuits to go odd from the years in space.
"I can resit it? But I escaped from the prison deck!"
Rimmer tried not to get his hopes up; this could be a cruel trick of Holly's. He had given up hope of ever being an officer, since he was technically an escapee because he was in the process of escaping when the accident had happened.
"I know, but you're still alive, and were on parole at the time of the accident so, technically, you are allowed to sit the exam, if you want to."
Rimmer jumped up, punching the air in a gesture that was more reminiscent of Lister than him.
"Fantastic!!"
"So you want me to schedule it?" Holly had to ask.
"Does Lister smell like a skunk's armpit? Of course I do."
"OK. Exam room, three weeks from now at 11am, you are sitting your engineer's exam."
"Brilliant! I'd better go get my notes from storage."
Rimmer ran from the room, so he didn't hear Holly muttering in a monotone voice.
"They won't help much, unless you want to know how to colour code drivel."
In the cafeteria, the crew were sitting down to breakfast. Lister felt like the Royal Symphony Orchestra had set up rehearsals in his brain, but they all had drums. He couldn't wait to get hold of Gemma.
"Rough night?" Kochanski asked quietly.
"You could say that. We're down to the last few thousand cans of lager."
"So you decided to drink them all in one night?" Cat asked, not bothering to keep his voice down.
"No. Gemma said she had some alcohol. It was a vile bright green colour, but it smelled quite nice, so I drank some. I drank 15 pints of the stuff and still didn't feel any different. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and fell out of my chair! I lost all feeling in my legs and had to drag myself back to my bunk."
"Please do not drink any more sir. I don't think the medical bay could perform another stomach pump." Kryten pleaded. He had been worried about Lister, so had performed the pump when Lister was sleeping. He had been so drunk he hadn't noticed.
Rimmer marched into the cafeteria, grabbed a cup of coffee and thumped a huge pile of paper on one of the tables.
"Morning all. I've come to inform Lister that he must vacate our sleeping quarters for a few weeks. Holly has just informed me that I am able to sit my engineer's exam in three weeks, and I intend to pass it."
"Not again." Lister had been through this a few times before, it wasn't a pretty picture.
"Why? We're the only ones here." Cat wanted to know.
"It's the principle. For nearly 20 years my sole goal in life has been to gain that elusive gold bar of officerhood. I intend to get it no matter what. I have to study every minute of every day, and can't have Lister's humming, snoring and feet that set off the dangerous chemical alarms getting in the way."
"You failed that exam 7 times before I got here."
"I had other duties as a technician, which I don't any more and I will not waste this opportunity."
"OK, man, if it makes you feel better, I'll move next door." Lister just wanted to see Rimmer fail again, now he had other people to laugh about it with.
"Thank you Lister. I'll pack your things for you and leave them outside our room."
Rimmer picked up his notes and left the room. He nearly banged into Gemma, who greeted him, but he marched past her without acknowledging the greeting. Gemma shrugged, a little hurt and went to get breakfast. She wanted to know how bad a hangover Lister had from the Saturn Lager.
"What's wrong with Arnold?"
"He's sitting his engineer's exam. Again." Kochanski replied.
"Correction, he's preparing to fail his exam for the twelfth time." Lister said, standing up.
"That's not very supportive." Gemma was appalled that the closest thing Rimmer had to a friend would be so unhelpful.
"It's a fact. Now what was that stuff you gave me?" Lister demanded.
"Did you like it? We used to serve it during Zero Gee football games to keep punters drinking."
"Could I have the recipe?"
"Not a chance, it's a secret."
"Smeg. Guess I'd better go move out of my room then. Dumbass is making me move so he can concentrate." Lister moved towards the door.
"It won't make a difference, he'd fail a three year old's maths test." Cat piped up. He had no experience of Rimmer sitting an exam, but Lister had told him everything whenever they ran out of good stories.
"Couldn't Kochanski teach him what he needs to know?" Gemma asked.
"Not a chance. I'd rather do ballet over broken glass while blindfolded with a pair of Lister's old underpants." Kochanski exclaimed.
"That's not very encouraging. I'll bet that with a bit of help and support, he could pass any exam he wanted." Gemma said, leaping to the defence of Rimmer, not realising how close she was to revealing her feelings for him.
"I'll take up that bet." Lister grinned.
"Not again." Kryten moaned, putting his head in his hands.
"You're on, what are the terms?" Gemma demanded. She was more pleased than she was letting on; this way she could help Arnold without everyone finding out how she felt.
"If I win, and Rimmer fails, you give me the recipe for that stuff." Lister replied, folding his hands over his chest.
"OK. And if I win, you ALL have to treat Arnold with the respect he deserves. Call him sir, salute him in his way, not yours, and obey his orders." Gemma said, matching Lister's pose.
"No-" Cat started to protest.
"Done." Lister said confidently, ignoring the murderous stare he knew would be directed at him from Cat.
Gemma and Lister shook hands, sealing the deal.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a student to attend to."
Gemma marched from the room to start filling in the gaps in Arnold's knowledge. She thought he must at least know the basics, having sat the exam so often. She would simply have to fill in the blanks.
"Are you crazy? You think I'm going to salute Eurotunnel nostrils?" Cat shouted.
"Relax. We're talking about Rimmer passing an exam here. The only thing he can pass is gas." Lister replied. He was confident at the time, but Gemma had been far too eager to take on the bet, which worried Lister. Clearly she had no idea just how think Rimmer really was. Or she had hidden talents none of them knew about. He hoped to hell it was the first one, otherwise he'd be in deep smeg from the rest of the crew.
As Gemma walked down the corridor towards Rimmer's bunk she wondered how she was going to tutor him. She didn't want the rest of the crew to know she had been in Space Academy and destined to be a high flyer in the Corps before she had run off. On the other hand, she knew Rimmer was too proud and too stubborn to accept help from others, but knowing about her past would help him listen to her. She would have to handle this with tact.
Rimmer was trying to bring the notes swimming in front of his eyes into focus. He knew he had to learn the formulae and facts if he had any chance of passing his exam, but had no idea where to start, and was beginning to wonder whether he was making a huge mistake. He turned when he heard a noise, thinking it was Lister coming for his things, and watched Gemma sneaking into the room.
"Hi. I hear you're planning to sit the engineer's exam." She said quietly.
"You hear right. Now please leave me alone, I need constant concentration to learn this extremely complex work." Rimmer replied curtly before turning back to the notes he was becoming convinced were written in Swahili.
Gemma crept behind Rimmer to look over his shoulder at the unbelievably well organised notes. She read a bit and frowned as she noticed a mistake in the first line. In fact, she couldn't find anything that was accurate. He'd even spelt most of the discoverers' names wrong.
"Can I say something?" she whispered.
""What?" Rimmer turned to face her again, trying to look annoyed but feeling relieved to be spared for a few seconds.
"I don't think that bit is quite right." She said.
"What bit?"
Gemma pointed at the spot on the page.
"That bit there about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. I don't think it has anything to do with whether you can wear red with yellow."
"Well what is it then, if you're so clever?" Rimmer hadn't been able to find out what the Uncertainty Principle was, so he had made it up. He really should find out where Red Dwarf's library was.
This was where Gemma knew she had to be careful to offer her help, but make Rimmer think it wasn't help.
"It's something about how the more precisely the position of a particle is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known, and vice versa." Gemma said, trying to look like she was struggling to remember.
Rimmer stared at Gemma, hoping he was giving the impression he understood what she had just waffled in his direction.
"Come again?"
"Basically, if I remember right, you can't measure the speed an atom is moving at accurately. The theory contradicts all traditional physics. The formula is really complicated, but that's the basic theory. Why are you trying to learn that anyway?" Gemma asked. She was beginning to realise just how difficult this was going to be, and why Lister had looked so happy.
"For my exam." Rimmer replied.
"But that's basic quantum theory. Students learn that stuff in their first term." Gemma knew she had just slipped up a little, but Rimmer didn't seem to notice.
"Well thank you professor. Now, if you'll kindly let me back to my revision." Rimmer was grateful for the help, but didn't want to show it, or thank Gemma. He didn't even want her to see him change his notes on the Uncertainty Principle because he was convinced she would tell the others how little he knew.
Gemma walked round the table to stand next to Rimmer. She leaned over the table, putting her elbows on his notes, forcing him to look at her. It was now or never.
"I was thinking, I used to dabble in this stuff a bit."
"One does not dabble in astro engineering. It takes years of study."
"My point is I'm worried I've forgotten the stuff I learned. Any chance you could let me revise with you, to help me refresh my memory? It could help you learn, explaining the theories to someone else."
Rimmer thought for a minute. To accept help would be admitting he needed it. But Gemma wasn't offering help; she was asking him to help her, which meant she must think he really knew this stuff. Rimmer tried not to look too proud or flattered, and secretly hoped she would remember enough to teach him without realising it.
"Well that's different. I always like to help a fellow scholar. Pull up a chair, and I'll explain the fundamentals of orbit mechanics." Rimmer replied, grinning. He didn't even know what "the fundamentals of orbit mechanics" meant, but he was hoping she would explain, thinking she was asking him for the answers.
Gemma tried not to smile too much as she got another chair and sat down next to Rimmer. She would show Lister. She would help Rimmer pass his exam, she would make Lister salute and obey. She didn't care about the others; she just wanted to see Lister being bossed around for a while. And she would get to spend a bit of time with Rimmer, and help him out a bit, which might make him like her more, and that couldn't hurt.
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