ENGINEERING EXAM

Lister walked down the corridor outside his and Rimmer's sleeping quarters and paused outside the door. He could hear muffled yelling inside as Gemma tried in vain to drum another piece of theory into Rimmer's pea sized intellect. Lister grinned to himself as he entered the cafeteria; that recipe was as good as his.

"How's it going in there?" Kochanski asked as Lister walked in. She could tell by the grin on his face that things hadn't improved.

"Well, neither of them have thrown anything in the last two days, so I guess Rimmer must be improving." Lister replied, helping himself to the pancakes Kryten offered him.

"Three weeks they've been at each others' throats." Cat complained.

"Well, the exam is today, so it will all be over soon." Kryten replied. Like everyone else, he secretly hoped Rimmer would fail, but unlike everyone else he never voiced his opinion, because it was not a mechanoid's way to wish bad things about humans.

"Then someone can try to console Rimmer." Kochanski hoped it would not be her.

"And give Gemma some rubber wall paper and a straitjacket." Cat said.

"And I can get the smegging recipe for that green stuff." Lister said. That was the whole point in Rimmer getting help anyway, so Lister wondered why Gemma didn't just concede and give him the recipe, rather than putting herself through the suffering she was enduring. She was determined and persistent, he had to give her that.

Rimmer and Gemma walked into the cafeteria, both looking exhausted. Gemma was walking in front of Rimmer, who was carrying a large pencil case.

"Ok, what's the formula to determine thrust in rocket propulsion after applying the principle of the conservation of momentum?" Gemma asked.

"F q x Ve (Pe-Pa) x Ae" Rimmer replied. "Where Ae is the exit nozzle pressure, q is the rate of ejected mass flow, Pa is the pressure of the ambient atmosphere and Pe is the…the" Rimmer tried to remember, but he brain had frozen.

"Pressure of exhaust gases and Ve is their ejection speed." Gemma provided. Despite the arguments, Rimmer had improved and was actually starting to remember the complex formulae he had to learn.

"That's it, that's what I was going to say." Rimmer lied.

Lister, Cat and Kryten stared at Rimmer. Kochanski had a vague idea of what the formula was about, but never thought Rimmer would be able to remember it. The others just couldn't grasp the notion of Rimmer managing to recite anything remotely related to engineering without fainting. For the first time, Lister began to think he might lose this bet.

"Right. You should get something to eat before the exam, and I suggest you revise the impulse and momentum formula, you're still a little unsure of it." Gemma told Rimmer before leaving the room. She had only brought Rimmer here to worry Lister, but she had some important work she had to get on with.

Rimmer watched Gemma leave before walking over to an empty table. He sat on the chair for a few seconds before leaning over and banging his head hard against the metal table. He raised his fists and punched the table, just for good measure. Now he had a sore head and sore hands, as well as a sore brain.

"Studying going well?" Kochanski asked.

Rimmer sat up, not realising he had a pink circle on his forehead.

"Of course, couldn't be better." Rimmer lied.

As he sat up, Rimmer's sleeves had been pulled up slightly, and Kryten could see something black on his arm.

"What's that?" Kryten asked.

"What's what?" Rimmer feverishly tried to cover his arms, but Kryten walked over to him and pushed his sleeve up to his elbow. There, in black pen, Rimmer had written the formula he had just recited to Gemma, along with various other facts and theories.

"So I have an aid to memory, so what?" Rimmer knew the last time he had tried this the ink had run, but he hoped that this time it would work.

"You're cheating again." Lister accused.

"Not on the exam itself, just to refresh my memory before I start. For God's sake don't tell Gemma, she thinks I'm a genius. Rimmer knew he would have to wash off the ink now; one of them was bound to tell Holly he was cheating.

"And here was me thinking she had a brain for a second." Cat replied.

"I will pass this exam." Rimmer said. That had been his mantra during the last three weeks, but it had not been as reassuring as he had hoped.

Holly appeared on a nearby monitor, watching the crew with interest.

"Would all candidates for the astro engineering exam please proceed to the exam room. Exam begins in thirty minutes. That's you Rimmer." Holly added, in case he'd forgotten again.

"Seriously, man, good luck" Lister patted Rimmer on the back, knowing that if Rimmer thought he had to cheat, his recipe was safe again.

"I don't need luck Lister." Rimmer tried to smile as he left for the exam room, but the grimace he managed gave the impression that he had serious indigestion.

"Yeah, he needs a miracle." Cat whispered after Rimmer was out of ear shot, which was against his character, but for once Cat was thinking about someone else.

Back in her sleeping quarters, Gemma knew she had to act fast. Rimmer thought he had hidden how little he had managed to remember, but Gemma had known. She had really made progress in the last few days, with Rimmer finally starting to learn, but she just didn't have the time to teach him everything in the few days that were left. She would have to help him, and there was only one way to do it. She had to cheat for him.

She fetched the watch she had stolen when she had run away and switched it on. Holly appeared on her mirror, and was on the point of saying hello when she cut him off.

"Holly, I need a favour."

"What?" Holly didn't like the sound of that.

"I need to tap you into the main computer on board the ship. He won't notice, because it'll be you."

"Why would you want to do that? I'm not showing you Rimmer getting dressed in his bunk or anything"

" Holly-" Gemma started, then stopped to imagine the picture he had painted.

"Thanks, Hol, maybe I'll use that later. I want you to find out what questions are on the exam paper Arnold is taking. There's only one copy, the one in the exam room."

"Why?" Holly was really suspicious now.

"Just to make sure I taught him the right stuff, that's all." Gemma replied in what she hoped was an innocent voice.

"Oh, alright." Holly knew Gemma was lying, but he didn't have anything better to do.

"Thanks, Hol. I'll just get the tools I need."

As Gemma raced from the room, Holly wondered just how eroded his sanity was.

In the exam room, the Holly that controlled Red Dwarf was getting ready for what he feared would be the most boring few hours of his life. Rimmer was sitting at the only table with paper on it, preparing to sit his exam for the twelfth time.

"Due to lack of willing personnel, there will be no human supervision, so I'll have to do it. Show me your arms." Holly had tried to be professional, but figured what the hell, it's only Rimmer.

Rimmer pulled up his sleeves to reveal clean, slightly pink arms. He had had to scrub every mark of the ink from his skin to remove any trace of his attempt at cheating. He pulled his sleeves back down when Holly nodded.

"Right, you may begin, you have three hours to screw it up." Holly pretended to watch every move Rimmer made.

Rimmer read his paper, and found one question he understood. Understood, but couldn't answer. He was glad he had brought a back up. He emptied the pencil case he had brought in with him, and filled in his details in black pen. He then waited for Holly to look away while pretending to read the questions and take notes. As soon as Holly turned his head, Rimmer opened the rather large pencil sharpener he had brought. He found the correct scrap of paper among the twenty or so scraps he had stuffed in there, wrote down the formula and put the paper in his pocket.

Three hours later, Rimmer put down his pen and tidied his desk.

"Please put down your pen, time's up. Leave your paper on the desk and leave the room. Kryten will be along in a minute to collect it."

Rimmer stood up and left the room, wondering how much he had gotten away with. It was a risk, but the only chance he had of succeeding.

Gemma hid round a corner, waiting for Rimmer to leave the room. She peeked into the exam room and saw that Holly had disappeared. She crept into the room and took another exam paper from her jacket. She swapped it with the one on Rimmer's desk, and crept out again. She had managed to print out a second paper, and studied Rimmer's handwriting so she could copy it as accurately as possible, and written his answers for him. It was a risk, but the only chance he had of succeeding.

The next morning, Rimmer was pacing across his sleeping quarters' floor. He had tried to sleep, but failed miserably. Lister had asked him how the exam had gone, but Rimmer couldn't answer without gagging, so he hadn't said anything.

"Morning Arnold" Holly greeted cheerfully.

Rimmer ran to the mirror, where Holly's face was impossible to read.

"At last, how did I do?" Rimmer demanded.

"You passed."

Rimmer wasn't sure he had heard right, but he actually felt the glee rising up from his toes, warming him until it hit is brain, where Holly's message was processed.

"Fantastic!!" he yelled, dancing round the room. He was an officer!!!!

"But you were disqualified for cheating." Holly added.

Rimmer felt his face fall, and a chill swept over him from head to foot.

"What? Noooooooooooo!" Rimmer collapsed, punching the ground with his fists. How could he be so stupid to think he could get away with it? Good things never happened to him, he shown have known he would get caught.

"The rest of the crew will be told you failed." Holly added, hoping it would cheer him up a little.

"Am I supposed to be grateful for that?"

"Best I can do I'm afraid."

"Gee thanks."

"You'll never have to go through this again though. Once you've been caught cheating, you're not allowed to sit the exam again."

"I know that you useless heap of crap. What am I supposed to tell the crew? That after twelve attempts I'm not allowed to sit an exam again?"

"Sounds plausible to me." Holly was now struggling not to laugh at Rimmer.

"Thanks for the support, I'd better go tell the rest." Rimmer moaned glumly, and dragged his feet towards the door to tell the crew he had failed again.

When he got to the cafeteria, the sound died down so quickly, Rimmer thought he had gone temporarily deaf. At least Gemma wasn't here so he had a while to work out what to say to her.

"Morning everyone."

"So, how did you do?" Kochanski asked. She could tell from his face, but she knew she was the only one who would be able to ask without going into fits of laughter.

"I failed. For the twelfth time."

"I knew it. Pay up metal man." Cat grinned, walking over to Kryten, his hand stretched out. Kryten handed him a note, trying not to look at Rimmer.

"You really failed? I never saw that coming, man." Lister tried to sound sympathetic, but knew he was failing.

"Never mind, Rimmer. You can do it again in six months." Kochanski tried to cheer him up.

"No, I can't. It seems that 12 times is the limit for exams. I won't be allowed to re sit it."

"Yes!! I win!" Lister jumped from his chair, punching the air with his fist before realising what he had done.

"Sorry, man. Excuse me people, I have to go…do something."

Lister tried not to run from the room. Rimmer watched him leave, knowing something was going on, but he didn't know what. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. The others knew why Lister was so happy, but not even Cat was cruel enough to tell Rimmer.

"I'm going to my room. I want to be alone for a while." Rimmer said glumly, before walking from the room with the air of someone who was just sentenced to death row.

Gemma was in her sleeping quarters, tapping her watch back into the main computer wires.

"Well? Any news?" she demanded as soon as Holly appeared.

"Arnold Rimmer passed his exam, but was disqualified for cheating." Holly relied, as casually as he could.

"Please tell me that is one of your sick jokes."

"Nope, but everyone has been told he failed."

"So you're telling me I ruined Arnold's chances of ever being an officer, but at least no one knows?"

"Pretty much."

"Great."

Gemma knew she could never tell Rimmer it was her fault he wasn't allowed to do the exam again. According to his file, the fact that he cheated was classified, his record would show a failure, so he would never have the authority to find out she had cheated for him, and wrecked his chance at happiness. She would have to fix it somehow.

She remembered the Rimmer she had met on her ideal planet, and rooted in her drawer until she found the things she had stolen. There was the photograph of the two of them she had managed to keep hidden. She would treasure that for a while. The other two items could help Rimmer get over failing his exam. She ran from the room, before remembering Lister's terms of the bet, grabbed the recipe for Saturn Lager, and ran towards Rimmer's bunk.

Lister had just moved his things back into his old sleeping quarters. Part of him had been tempted to stay where he was, but he wasn't going to waste the opportunity to ridicule Rimmer for failing again. First he had to claim his winnings. Gemma ran down the corridor, nearly knocking him over.

"Well, well, told you he'd fail." Lister grinned.

"Shut it, Lister." Gemma wasn't in the mood for polite conversation.

"Sore loser, eh? Pay up, give us the recipe."

Gemma thrust the recipe into Lister's chest, punching him in the process. Lister grabbed the paper, ignoring the throbbing in his chest and began to read.

"Yeeessss!"

"Enjoy trying to brew it, you overgrown gerbil."

Gemma continued walking down the corridor when Lister noticed something he didn't understand.

"Hey! What's 15 g pow sat net?"

Gemma turned and grinned at him.

"15 grams of powdered Saturnian nettles."

"You got any?"

"Of course not. I used the last of it in that batch I gave you."

"That's cheating."

"On the contrary my festering turd of a father, it's not. The deal was for the recipe, not the ingredients. I have fulfilled my obligation to you. Enjoy yourself, and try not to be a sore loser."

Gemma turned and ran down the corridor, leaving Lister clutching a recipe that was completely useless.

Rimmer was sitting at his desk, tearing up his notes. He would feed them to a fire if he had one, but he didn't. Gemma peeked in the door and entered slowly as Rimmer turned to face her.

"Can I come in?" Gemma asked.

"It appears that you already have." Rimmer replied, turning back to his notes.

"You want to talk?"

Rimmer shook his head, and sat in silence for a few seconds.

"What made me think I could pass? The only test I've ever passed was my gym teacher Bull Heinman's test for wets, weirdos and fatties. I passed with flying colours there." Rimmer moaned.

"You're taking this too hard. You're already second in command."

"But I want to be an officer."

"You already are."

"How?" Rimmer demanded, facing Gemma.

"Well, you always give the boring jobs to someone else. If there's an intruder you run and hide rather than fight and you pretend to know more than you actually do. They're traits of every officer I've ever met."

"You really think so?"

Rimmer was confused. Usually whenever he sat an exam, he was yelled at and teased when he failed, so this new experience of being comforted was rather odd, and he was daring to cheer up a little.

"Of course I do. So I'm giving you this, the only thing you don't have." Gemma took the things she had stolen from her perfect Rimmer and gave them to this one who, in a way, was far nicer because of his flaws.

Rimmer took the envelope and opened it. He stared at the contents for a few seconds before he dared to speak.

"A badge for Engineering Officer Third Class and a letter congratulating me? Where did you get these?"

"I found them. I figured having the determination to sit an exam twelve times meant you deserved them. You're still second in command remember, Kochanski is First Class."

"Thanks Gemma. You're right. I am an officer in my heart, and that's where it counts. I just go to pieces in exams." Rimmer smiled.

"Exactly." Gemma said, smiling back, before turning to leave.

"Gemma, please don't tell the others, I don't want them to treat me any differently, I'll let them think I failed."

This was completely against Rimmer's character, but he didn't care. Lister would never stop teasing him if he found out how he had been given the badge.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Officer Rimmer."

Gemma snapped her heels together, gave Rimmer a Rimmer salute, bowed and marched from the room. Rimmer watched her go, looked down at his badge again, and grinned to himself.

"I'm an officer" he whispered. Sure, he hadn't come by it in the most honest of ways, but after 20 years of trying, he had a badge.

Gemma stopped just outside the door and leaned back against the wall. She had done what she could, and it had worked. Rimmer wouldn't even tell Lister, so her secret was safe again.

"God, I'm good." She said, grinning, before heading to the cafeteria. All this doing good deeds had given her a hell of an appetite.