The last edit of this chapter was done in the evening of dec 31st. I had written the basic outlines for this ending more than a year ago. But somehow, when I reread it a few days ago, I realized that it still needed some major changes. So I had to drag the muses back from their vacation and put them to work once again. (They were not too pleased) Thus, the delay. ;; Sorry. Due to lack of time, I highly suspect that there are still a milion grammar mistakes I missed. Happy New Year!
As always, a big thank you for all the lovely reviews I received! XD cuddles them
Hakudoshi-chan: . Don't worry, at the end of the tunnel, there will be a light.
Omakase Shimasu: w00t! Thank you so much for the gigantic review, yet again! grins so hard my laughing muscles are starting to hurt owie.
XD Thanks for pointing out its the longest chapter yet. I didn't realize it myself until you said it. Ah...words come easy when the muses are friendly. I suspect strongly it would not last though...alas. gets poked by the Youji-muse
Youji-muse: . Dun get used to it. Literal payback awaits you in 2005.
author sweatdrops
Oh, and as to the other missing members...;; I failed to channel their muses.
hannya-doll: XD I wonder myself what would happen at the party. It would eventful, no doubt.
shadoewhunter: Psst. And there's still more angst to come in this chap. inserts insane author laughter
A Christmas Wish
-Chapter 11: You are all I need-
Aya.
A name lingered on the edge of my tongue when I opened my eyes. The small digital clock announced 12 o'clock sharp. Was it all just a dream? Was everything that had happened just another trick of my mind. I tried to tap into that part of my mind where the past beyond the last year was supposed to be and I found...nothing. The wall was still there. The stone wall built over my memories and the rest of the things that made me the person I was, the wall that was almost visible and yet untouchable. From the depths of my being the painful combination of confusion and frustration reached out their ghostly claws and started to choke me until I felt I was about to faint. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't.
Some alcohol in my system, that's what I needed, some of the numbing liquid to drive away these horrible sensations.
Stumbling out of the bed, I had crossed the distance to my small dining table in no time. Pouring the liquid into the glass with my quivering hand proved to be somewhat of a challenge. But when I tasted the first drops of the sweet and yet bitter wine, my nerves started to calm a little. A choking sound that sounded more like crying than laughing crawled it's way out of my mouth.
I was back to where I started, wasn't I? With no idea who I was and what I had left behind. It was all a dream, wasn't it? All of it. Omi, Ken, Aya. All part of some cruel joke of fate to offer me my past and decide to tear it away right in front of me.
Aya. He couldn't have been real. Who would look like that? Hair as soft and smooth as red silk. Eyes of a color so strange, many would mistake it for fake lenses. Hidden under the strong and independent exterior was such a vulnerable and caring being, how can one not love him? No real person could be possibly like that!
Wasn't I watching a movie called A Christmas Carol earlier last night? Yes, that must be it.
Secret assassins who work as florists during the day. How ridiculous. It's a perfect plot for one of those cheesy novels Asuka so adored. A cold wind engulfed me and I looked up to see the open window. I must've forgotten to close it right. Putting down the glass, I walked over to close the small window with a small click. Then I realized that there was something behind me. Have you ever seen one of those bad horror movies where the character would turn in extra slowmotion, just to find a guy with a battle axe standing right behind him?
Yeah, I was stupid or insane enough to turn that slowly. The good news was, I didn't see a guy with an axe or a chainsaw. The bad news was, I was greeted by the site of a guy wearing a grim reaper's costume. What was it? The Ghost of Past, Present and Future? So that meant, this was the Ghost of Future. Not a cheery guy, I assume. But that's okay. The ghost here proofed that the other ghosts had not been part of a dream. Everything really took place and most importantly, Aya really exists. It was a real shame I didn't get the chance to really gloat in my joy. A single red pouch appeared in his surprisingly not skeletal hands and brought an end to that.
Wait a second, I think I've seen the hands before...
Of course I had no time to finish that thought, because I found myself choking in sand once again.
----
This time I was pulled into a rather unpleasant surrounding. The awful smell of vomit and trash assaulted my senses and for just a second, I highly suspected that I would get to re-examine my diner content. Then I reminded myself forcibly that I wasn't really there and the feeling gradually went away. The fascinating scene before me also helped to distract me.
In a dark alley, a drunkard was drinking. He was filthy and covered with his own vomit. His wavy blond hair was knotted and it's obviously been a long time since he shaved. Dreamy looking greens peered underneath the overly long bangs into the distance. The rags around his body seemed to have been a business suit in its glory days. Who was this guy? A bankrupt foreign investor who had no money left for a plane ticket home? Have I seen him before? He looked familiar...
I suddenly became aware of a constant murmuring and slurring, emerging surprisingly from him. When I strained my hearings, I could distinguish only one verb repeated in an almost mantra like manner, 'Aya'.
An awful realization dawned on me. I wanted to deny it, but all the signs pointed to the same inescapable direction. It was my own voice I was hearing. And this bundle of living garbage was me.
I looked surprised at the Ghost of Future, doped Grim Reaper by me, who remained as silent as the death. I wondered if he'll get the joke if I told him. Probably not.
When I looked back at the future me, I felt a little detached. So this is what awaited me in the future. A useless drunkard who roamed the streets? And it can't even be that far into the future. My future self didn't seem to have one gray hair in the tangled manes.
Maybe I should feel horrified, but I dun think I was. If this was anyone else's future, I would probably be more outraged. But it's just me...and I realized I didn't care, as long as....as long as Aya was okay...
Rain had started to fall. I could feel the tiny droplets of water on my skin and yet my clothes weren't getting wet. The Grim Reaper also remained untouched by the rain. In the distance lightning flashed in the sky, followed quickly by a thunder that seemed too close for comfort.
The murmuring only continued for a short while before it slowly dimmed and then ultimately ceased. A cheap liquor bottle fell and shattered from his lifeless grip. The drunkard would be asleep in the midst of the upcoming storm. The only thought that ran through my mind was: maybe it's better if he never wakes up again.
When I blinked the rain out of my eyes, I realized I was no longer in the alley. But the ghost did not take me to another time. The same rain and storm were the things I noticed first. We were standing on a roof. A leather clad figure stood stoically at some distance away. The broad shoulders and slim waist told me it was a man. And he wasn't moving in the cold or the rain. Only his clothes moved with the wind.
As I walked closer, I could distinguish the color of the hair. It was red, darkened by the moist weather to an almost burgundy red. It was Aya and he was talking. It couldn't be that loud, but the words carried enough for me to hear.
"Sorry Youji. I just can't do this anymore. Aya-chan has her own family now. She doesn't need me. I hope you're happy, wherever you are."
I suddenly felt this dark feeling of foreboding, I felt that I had to reach him. But the ghost had suddenly locked an iron grip on my arm and refused to let me cross those last few yards. I struggled for all my worth and still he held me almost effortlessly.
"Let me go!" I snarled at him.
The ghost just shook its head.
"Let me go!" I repeated, and I started to pull on his cloak.
I didn't remember reaching for his hood, but I must have. When the black cloth fell away I stopped struggling. It was Aya's face I was looking into.
No, this wasn't Aya. I had to remind myself that this was just the Ghost of Present borrowing Aya's face, like the other ghosts. Yes, not Aya. Not Aya, at all. Aya would never be that void of human emotions and have that look of death in his eyes.
The horrifying sound of flesh being parted by metal, startled me out of my inner dialogue. I whirled around to something that belonged in nightmares and visions of hell. Aya had run his katana through his own body. The Ghost had released me and I reached Aya....to see the closing of those heartbreaking beautiful eyes for the last time.
Sadness appeared and grew... and grew until it seemed bigger than my body, bigger than the world. I was crying, no, sobbing...one salty drop after another until it seemed to form endless streams. I was screaming 'No!' repeatedly, as if I could will it all to not be true...My hands were trying in vain to get a hold of Aya's body. But of course, I touched nothing but air. I couldn't brush the few strands of hair that had been tossed in front of his face by his fall, I couldn't touch the cheek and feel its warmth ebb slowly away, I couldn't kiss his pale lips for the last time, I couldn't do anything but cry like a small child, lost forever in the dark.
-----
If you asked me, I couldn't tell you the exact time when it happened. Maybe it was sometime before the crying had begun, maybe it was during or even after...My memories were just suddenly there.
The grief had shattered and crumpled the unbreakable wall that had guarded my memories. The joys, the pains, the triumphs, the sorrows, the guilt, the desperation, all those memories returned to their rightful places like. It was more like the turn of a switch than a process really. One moment I was still empty and the next, I remembered everything. I guess, in the end, only my love for Aya had really proven to be stronger than all the negativity that had caused the wall to form in the first place. Before the final battle I had been so preoccupied with all the bad that had happened, that I lost track of all the good. I had cursed and hated every second of the life I had, wishing for something else, anything else. So when the time came, my subconscious mind chose to leave it all behind. It was a foolish and cowardly decision. But then, how does one realize the truly important things in ones life unless it's no longer there?
This past year had once and for all proven to me that I couldn't, didn't really want to start all over. What I really wanted in the first place, wasn't to loose my memories. What I really wanted was to change the past and since that would be impossible, I took the next best thing and decided selfishly to just forget. But now I realized that I had to accept the past, because it made me who I am...and I also had to move on. No use lingering on how it should be or what should have happened. And there were things and people I couldn't leave behind. So, whatever happens in my future, whether it be darkness or light, I will find the courage to face it and embrace it. Because at the end of the day, you will be there...waiting for me.
You are all I need...
Aya...