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Ch.1- "Trainees"

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A small part of Erwin's mind told him that he should keep his mouth shut, keep his head low, keep his thoughts to himself. The papers had been wrong- his father hadn't been killed in an "accident", and if he went the same way, there would be no one left to know the truth, no one to uncover the truth. But the Military Police hadn't silenced him then because he was just a stupid child, and now, his peers could no longer run home to their parents and tattle about what he told them. No, by the time they graduated from the Training Corps, they would no longer care about that "weird boy's" deranged ramblings. If they even bothered to remember what he had said in the first place. Even Nile, as intelligent as he was, just rolled his eyes when confronted with facts that didn't line up with what they had learned.

"But why would they be bipedal, Nile? No other predators are bipedal!"

"Maybe it's just to make us lower our guard, make it harder to kill them. Maybe if we waste our time asking 'why,' that'll give them a better chance to eat us…"

Even after the other boy had crammed the rest of his bread into his mouth and left, heading back to their barracks, Erwin remained seated in the mess hall, thinking over their conversation. Maybe Nile was right. Maybe that was all there was to it, it was just a predator disguising itself as its prey to make it easier to hunt. Maybe the simplest solution was the correct one. What a horrible thought…

"Hey." The teenager stiffened, immediately regretting not following his fellow cadets back to the barracks. No one was supposed to be in the mess hall after meal times, but apparently God was feeling merciful that day. It was not an officer that stood before him, but another cadet. One of the girls. Female cadets usually passed ODM initiation fairly easily, given their low center of gravity, but most of them dropped out when physical training became too intense. Only about a dozen girls remained in their first year. This one- Lindemann, maybe?- regarded him with a stare that could easily be called dead-eyed.

"Yes? Is something the matter?" Erwin kept his voice steady, trying to deduce if she was going to report him to the commandant. Her expression gave nothing away, but she pointed at the table in front of him. His roll lay untouched.

"If you weren't gonna eat that, you should've given it to someone else."

"Oh. I suppose you're right. Do you want it?"

"No," Her voice was as dull as her eyes, giving away nothing of her intentions. "I just don't think food should be wasted. Take it back to your barracks- someone will want it." He frowned slightly.

"We're not supposed to bring food back to the barracks."

"We're not supposed to waste it either." Well, she wasn't really that worried about breaking rules, so he figured he wasn't going to get in trouble. Nodding, he got to his feet, tucking the roll into his jacket's interior pocket. Darren would probably eat it.

"Well, I suppose I'll see you tomorr-" Erwin paused as he moved to pass her. He hadn't really paid attention when he was sitting, but now that he was standing over her, he could see the lamplight reflecting in her hair. It was just like in the books his father had shown him… He blinked as she shifted, looking up to meet him, a frown tugging at her lips. Her lips…

"What?" She demanded.

"Your hair…" He breathed. "I… I've never seen anyone with hair like yours before…" She scoffed under her breath, turning and walking away. She was muttering to herself, but in the silent mess hall, he could still hear her.

"Lucky me, I guess…"

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The next day found Erwin juggling keeping his thoughts organized while also keeping his mind in the fight before him. Hand-to-hand combat was usually the one area of training that he could slack off in and still be amongst the top five cadets, but within the last year, the number of aspiring soldiers had dropped from two hundred and fifty to one hundred even, meaning there were no easy opponents left to slack off against. Especially not Vincent Bier, the absolute giant of a man he was currently trying to pin.

Everyone joked that Vincent must have had Titan blood in him, and as Erwin felt his arms bruise down to the bone trying to block the haymaker aimed at his face, he was inclined to agree. How was it possible? How could some people be so big, others so small? Other animals didn't have such size disparities. Only humans… and the Titans. Erwin dropped to the ground, coughing and gagging as pain exploded in his side. Vincent's knee was still raised, but he chuckled as he lowered it, grabbing the fallen boy's arm and heaving him to his feet.

"You gotta keep your head in the game, Smith. Ya almost had me, then your eyes glazed over and you left yourself wide open."

"Y-yeah… sorry… I was just thinking…"

"Thinking about what? What can be so important that you're gonna risk your life in battle to think about it?" Erwin dropped his gaze to the hard-packed dust at his feet.

"Nothing… I need to go sit before I throw up- I think you ruptured something." Clutching his side, he half limped over to the benches stationed just outside the training yard. On weekends, they were permitted to eat lunch at them, but now, they were serving as a makeshift sickbay for the injured. No one was allowed to leave until training was over unless they were visibly dying, not even the injured. In battle, it could take hours for injuries to be treated, and if a cadet couldn't endure the pain, they weren't cut out to be soldiers. That didn't stop the moaning and whimpers from those clutching their bruised and broken limbs, however. Scanning the benches for an empty seat, Erwin felt a jolt of… what? Anticipation? Excitement? As he spotted a face sporting a familiar deadpan expression. He was grateful no one paid him any mind as he made his way over- everyone said he was creepy when he smiled. Throwing himself down on the bench opposite her, he leaned across the table, lowering his voice so only she could hear.

"You're a Moor." She blinked slowly, turning to face him with a look of utmost confusion.

"I'm a what?"

"Your hair. Your face. Your skin. You must have Moor blood. I've never seen anyone like you outside of books before! Isn't it amazing?"

"Isn't what amazing?"

"That there are different kinds of people!" Erwin winced. He'd half-stood in his excitement, but his side wasn't having that. Breathing hard, he took a moment to calm himself. "Before the walls went up, there were so many types of people… the world was full of them. They all had different skin, and different hair and different eyes… They spoke different languages…"

"Yeah, and then the Titans ate them all."

"We don't know that! Some people from those different places came here, and it's possible that there might even be other strongholds where humanity still holds out," He lowered his voice even further. "They say there used to be Orientals in the walls, but they were all captured and sold on the black market," Erwin scoffed, disgust creeping into his voice. "What a waste. We could have learned about where they came from, but people would rather visit brothels than think that the world could be bigger than it is..."

"...you're… Smith, right? Erwin Smith?" He started, having almost forgotten he was speaking to another person. He was surprised she had stayed- most people just walked away whenever he started ranting about the Orientals.

"Yes, that's me." She exhaled sharply through her nose, an amused huff.

"Lisbeth was right; you are a heretic. Is this really the only thing you talk about? Different types of people? The 'what ifs' beyond the walls?" He straightened, looking the young woman in the eye. Her eyes were a dark brown, almost black. The same color as her hair, which was matted with blood by her right temple.

In the books his father had shown him, those secret forbidden books, they had said people could have all kinds of colors of skin. Yellow and red and black and brown and white… As a child, he had perceived that literally, imagining people with skin as colorful as flowers. Older now, he'd come to realize that it had been hyperbole on the authors' part, that "white" was probably closer to his own cream-colored complexion, and that the other races were probably just as muted. This girl, Lindemann, didn't have skin the color of pitch like he had imagined. It was closer to the caramel apples they used to serve at festivals for the King's birthday, but even that was different enough to be fascinating.

"Isn't that enough to talk about?"

"Huh?"

"There's so much we don't know. So many different things that most people would never even think about…" The girl leaned back, pressing her fingers to the goose-egg on her head, but regarding him with a scrutinizing eye.

"I can see why you'd be so interested in things that are 'different'." Erwin sucked in a breath. Did she really? Had he finally met someone else who understood, someone else who realized that the horizon stretched beyond Wall Maria?

"Really?"

"Yeah. Look at you."

"What?"

"Blonde hair, blue eyes. More than half the guys in our class alone look just like you. Hell, I'm pretty sure at least a dozen of them are named 'Smith'. You fantasize about things that are 'different' because there's nothing 'different' about you. You're ten a penny."

It felt like someone shoved snow down the back of his shirt. She was wrong- that wasn't true at all. But then… why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut? Why did he have to tell the other children? Why did he have to let them know he knew something they didn't? Because he wanted to be better than them? Because he wanted to be… different? Special? Was that so wrong? If he'd kept his head down, blended in with the crowd like his father had for so long, then… Erwin felt his knuckles pop as he balled his hand into a fist.

"Maybe I do look like everyone else, but I'm nothing like them. I'm not content in my ignorance. I'm not proud of my stupidity. There are so many things I don't know, but I actually want to learn." A shrill whistle cut through the air, signaling that training was over for the day. The injured cadets groaned in relief, stumbling and limping towards the actual sick bay. Lindemann stood, but did not walk away.

"Hey."

"What?"

"I lied."

"Huh?" The sun was behind her, catching in her curls and making the wispy edges of her hair light up.

"You don't actually look like everyone else."

"I… don't?"

"No," She leaned across the table, reaching out and flicking his forehead lightly. "Nobody else has those fucked up eyebrows." Straightening, she stepped over the bench, following the others but not before calling out to him once more. "Do yourself a favor, and fill those giant eyebrows with some brains."

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If you had asked Erwin if he'd made a friend that day, he'd have said "no". His "friends" were the guys in his barracks he talked to about all the little things in life. Who'd gotten the lowest score on their latest test, who was falling behind in ODM training, which of the female cadets they thought they could ask out without getting their teeth knocked out in the process. Small, normal, human things. Conversations that flowed like water between a pair or a group of six. Thomasin Lindemann wasn't the conversing type. He'd tried- he'd asked her how her training was going, if she needed help studying for upcoming exams, all the normal things, but most of her answers had been monosyllabic at best, noncommittal grunts at worst. She didn't really seem to care that much about her training. Or studying. Or anything he could decipher. One thing he'd gotten out of her was that she planned on joining the Garrison.

"That would be good for you," He smiled at her. "You're surprisingly adept with munitions. If you applied yourself, you could probably make your way to the Military Police in a few years."

"Yeah…"

Thomasin didn't talk to him, but honestly, that wasn't what he sought her out for. The female cadet did the one thing none of his friends could ever seem to. She listened. Sometimes, the other boys humored him for a few minutes, but it was always accompanied with mockery and a great deal of eye rolling. Even if they didn't believe that he was spreading treasonous lies, no one took him seriously. And although he would never admit it, not even to himself, that feeling of isolation, of being alone with his thoughts, alone with the truth… it hurt.

Thomasin never added anything to the conversation when he spoke, never challenged his theories or postulated her own, but in her silence, she hung onto every word he said. The way she looked into his eyes when he spoke made Erwin more than a bit uncomfortable, but if he were being honest with himself, it was a bit exhilarating as well. If his words could get through to one person, then they could get through to another. And another. And one day, he would convince them all that he was right, that his father had been right.

"So, what are you gonna do when you graduate?" She surprised him by asking him that one night as they sat outside the mess hall. For once, she wasn't looking at him, but had stretched out along the bench, staring up at the moonless sky. It wasn't that odd of a question; graduation was only a little more than a year away.

"Join the Scouts." Erwin answered without even needing to think about it. Only the Survey Corps was allowed outside Wall Maria. Only they were allowed to see the world beyond the walls.

"Why?"

"To venture outside the walls."

"But why?"

"To see what all is out there."

"Why though?"

"What do you mean 'why'?" He couldn't help the anger creeping into his voice. She finally asked him a question, and it was the stupidest question he could imagine. The young woman sat up, looking at him. It wasn't that intense gaze she got when he went on his rants, nor was it the glassy-eyed blank stare she usually wore. There was something else in her dark eyes. Anger? Worry?

"What could possibly be so special out there that you wanna jump into a Titan's mouth to see it?"

"I have no intention of 'jumping into a Titan's mouth'."

"But you're going to," She told him firmly. "Everybody who joins the Scouts gets eaten. You either die, or you retire after a few missions with no legs and one eye, so what's the point?"

"What do you care if I get eaten?"

"I don't. There are just easier ways to die."

"I don't want to die!" Erwin slammed his hands down on the scrubbed wood, wincing as a splinter dug into his palm. "I don't want to get eaten by a Titan, but I especially don't want to die corralled in these walls like an ignorant swine! I want to know that humanity can be greater than this, because if we were before, we can be again. There has to be something more than… this." Thomasin remained silent as his breathing slowed.

"But what if there's not?" He felt his temper rise again, until he looked at her. She wasn't looking at him anymore, once again staring at the sky. She was barely whispering, and unless he was crazy, it looked like her lip was trembling. "What if there's nothing out there? What if you go outside the walls, and kill all the Titans, and explore the entire world… and there's just nothing?"

"...then I'll know that there's nothing," He whispered his response. "And I won't have to wonder anymore."

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Marie was everything the female cadets weren't. She was soft and gentle and delicate, built like a pretty porcelain doll that roused the protective instincts of every hot-blooded man whose table she walked past. The prettiest girl in the tavern- nay, the prettiest girl in the entire region- who had damn near every male cadet in the 89th Training Corps tripping over themselves to woo her, had deigned to let Erwin try his hand at courting her. And he had thrown himself into the task wholeheartedly. For the first time in nearly a decade, he wasn't thinking of what lay beyond the walls, but rather, what lay within them. First dates and first kisses and shared smiles and secret touches…

Slowly but surely, his father's theories were pushed to the back of his mind, replaced with Marie's sweet voice talking about the house they would have in the Interior, about how cute their children would be, about how much her parents would love him. Their only requirement before they would give their blessing for a marriage was that any prospective husband of their daughter be able to provide her a happy, comfortable life, and Erwin spent his final year in training ensuring there would be no doubt that he could be that person. It was obvious that he was going to be in the top ten of their graduating class, but that wasn't good enough. He'd seen the way Nile looked at Marie, those wistful, lovesick eyes that made him want to knock his "friend's" teeth out, and he would be damned if he scored lower than Nile fucking Dok. His superiors weren't the only ones who noticed this sudden strive towards perfection.

"Do you really need to graduate at the top of the class to be fed to the Titans?" Thomasin asked him from atop the padded "neck" of a wooden Titan. That was supposed to be his kill, but she had dropped from some branch above him, startling him enough to carve out a chunk of padding in his stead.

"No. Do you need to be in the top ten to get drunk and play cards with the rest of the Garrison?" He regretted his bitterness almost as soon as the words left his mouth, but to his surprise, the other girl smiled. It was small and quick, but unmistakable.

"I mean, yeah, if I actually want to beat anybody at cards." She deployed her hooks, cloak whipping as she was pulled back into the foliage overhead, raining broken leaves and twigs into Erwin's hair. Rubbing his eyes, he followed her, staying a few meters below.

She may not have been the best with the ODM gear, nor the most skilled with the blades, but there was one thing Thomasin had the rest of their regiment beaten at, and that was fearlessness, especially when it came to heights. They weren't supposed to go above the approved height of twenty meters during training. They were warned that if their gear failed or they fell, even if the instructors managed to catch them, they risked permanent injury or death. And whenever that warning was brought up, the curly-haired cadet just scoffed and went even higher. It was honestly the only reason she hadn't failed out of ODM training; being so high let her spot targets before anyone else… or at least, spot the more capable cadets when they spotted a target.

"Who cares if Nile Dok is better than you?" Her voice came from somewhere above him. "He said last month he's going to the MP; the Scouts will take anybody with all their limbs."

" I'm going to the MP, too."

"You- what- OW!" There was a crash, and a much larger branch fell down, nearly clipping his wires. Landing on the thickest branch he could, Erwin looked up at the green shadows above him.

"Are you alive?" He called into the gloom.

"Ow… yeah." A pair of hooks pierced the massive trunk above him, raining bits of broken bark into his eyes once more as Thomasin made her way over to him, hanging from her wires as she rubbed her shin. "What do you mean, you're going to the MP? I thought you wanted to go outside the walls, not further inside them?" Yeah… that's what he thought too…

"Things change. We can talk about this later; when we're not being graded on time."

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It hadn't occurred to Erwin until that night, when they sat outside the mess hall, that he hadn't told Thomasin about Marie, nor had he told Marie about the other woman. In his mind, he justified it by thinking he didn't want his future wife to be worried over nothing. And he hadn't told his… confidant… because that wasn't what he talked to her about. He spoke to her about his theories, his goals, his dreams outside the walls… which he hadn't been talking much about anymore. But, he reasoned, it didn't matter, because Thomasin didn't care about such things.

"You don't need to be the highest ranking graduate be join the MPs; you just gotta get in the top ten."

"I know. But I want to be the highest ranking graduate."

"For Marie," She clarified.

"Yes." Erwin couldn't keep the defensiveness from his voice. The darker woman huffed.

"Damn. She got you to completely rework your life's goals in less than a year. I guess all the guys were right about her-"

"Shut up! That's my fiancee you're talking about!"

"And? I didn't know this woman was your anything until a few hours ago. If you don't like what people say about her, take it up with them, not me. I'm not calling her a whore like most of your guy pals; I'm just in awe that this woman could do what no one else could."

"And what's that?"

"Shut you up." Erwin choked on the words in his throat. Of all the things he wanted to say, only one word could squeeze past his lips.

"...what?"

"For the last three years, you haven't shut up about your crackpot theories. It was 'beyond the walls' this and 'beyond the walls' that, and 'humanity' this and 'humanity' that. Then, all of a sudden, nothing. No more talk. No more dreams."

"My dreams have changed…" He whispered.

"Because of you, or because of her?" Inhaling sharply, he met Thomasin's dark eyes, his own cerulean gaze steely.

"That's not your concern. In fact, you have no right to be as upset about this as you are."

"I'm not."

"You are," He argued. "In fact, I think you're jealous. The only question is, are you jealous of Marie, or of me?" Her eyes turned darker.

"I'm not jealous of anything, especially not you. You know why, Smith? Because I don't think I'm better than I am. I know I'm nothing. For two years, you talked a big game about how different you were. About how you wanted to know things, how you weren't satisfied being stupid like the rest of us. And now, when it's time to cash in all that big talk, you pussy out and start trying to claw your way into the Interior." She stood up, the moon glowing in her hair. "I know what I want, and I've never denied it. Go enjoy your ignorant swine life, corralled together with your ignorant swine wife and your ignorant swine children. Be content in your stupidity, and never again fool yourself into believing that you're better than anyone else."

He watched her return to the women's barracks, the tendons in his neck close to snapping. He wanted to choke her- that was why his hands were shaking. He wanted to scream- that was why his throat was so tight. What did she know about anything? She didn't care about being different; she wanted to live and die inside the walls like cattle. She didn't want to discover anything, she didn't want to… know… anything…

Excuse me, sir. But… how can we be sure that there aren't other humans living somewhere far away from the walls…?

He'd had a chance to be complacent and ignorant, to live an ordinary, unquestioning life. He made the decision to be curious, and now, after his father paid for that decision with his life, he was turning back on it. It was raining- that was why his cheeks were wet…

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Commander Keith Shadis spent his entire time on stage talking about reclaiming humanity's lost glory, and the heroics of conquering the lands outside Wall Maria once again. Erwin didn't listen to him, focusing his attention on keeping his feet planted as his fellow cadets bumped into him on their way towards the other branch commanders. He was fairly certain he'd seen Nile walk past him from the corner of his eye, but it could have been any dark-haired young man. There were so many of them. Nile had been the only one in his barracks to claim that he wanted to join the Survey Corps from the onset too, though. Talking about how he was going to kill soo many Titans that he'd be hailed as a hero for humanity. In the end, it seemed his dreams had changed too, only unlike Erwin's, his change had been steadfast.

"What would you think… if I joined the Survey Corps?"

"You're joining the MP Brigade, though."

"I'd still make decent money in the Corps. We could still get a home within Wall Sina one day."

"Yeah, until they bring you back home as a severed arm or leg..."

"I'm the top ranking cadet in the 89th Training Corps- if anybody's going to survive going beyond the walls, it's me-"

"Erwin. My parents won't let me marry a soldier unless they're Military Police."

"...what about what you want?"

"I want my parents to be happy…"

"Congratulations! You lot have officially become members of the Survey Corps! The flames of humanity's hopes and dreams will, from this day forward, burn within each of you! You shoulder the weight of our future, and you will bear that weight proudly until you draw your final breath!"

"Sir! Yes sir!" The cry and collective thump of the salute was louder than he'd expected.

"At ease!" Lowering his arms, Erwin glanced around. More people than he thought had stayed, about thirty five in total. Nile was nowhere to be seen, but there were a few familiar faces... including a head of curly hair that, as far as he remembered, had no business being there. Swallowing hard, he marched over on stiff legs, convincing himself that he was wrong, that it was someone else, but no. He couldn't mistake that dark hair and dark skin and those dark eyes still staring at the spot the Commander had been.

"Thomasin! You were supposed to leave! The Garrison sign-up is by the gate!"

"Yeah…"

"You have to tell the Commander you made a mistake!" She blinked hard and turned to look at him. For a long time, she stared in silence, her gaze darting across his face before finally settling on his eyes.

"No."

"But… why?"

"I don't know. Maybe you brainwashed me with all your heretic talk. Or maybe I just got distracted by your eyebrows and forgot to walk away. Regardless, I'm here now. I might as well stay." Disquiet settled in his stomach like a bag of rocks.

"Did you… really join the Scouts because of me?" She fell quiet again, the only sounds filling the air being the groans and laments of their new fellow Scouts, and the crackling of flames from the braziers.

"Maybe… but it doesn't matter. Scouts get access to the walls, too." Erwin blinked slowly.

"Is that the only reason you became a Soldier? To get access to the walls?" In the two and a half years he'd known the young woman, he'd never asked her reason for enduring the tedious training. Or maybe he had, and she'd given him some non-answer and he hadn't pressed the question. The way she stared into his eyes made him feel like she was looking through his skull and out the other side at… something he couldn't decipher.

"Maybe I wanna know things, too."

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A/N- So, despite my original intentions, the "romance" aspect of this story isn't nearly as close to center stage (yet) as the "Let's follow Erwin Smith's path through life from idealistic teenager to fallen paragon of humanity" aspect. The entire first half of the story deals mostly with delving deeper into life both in the Survey Corps as well as within the Walls in general. If I had to quantify how important the romance will be, I'd put it at around a third of a story pie, with the remaining two thirds flavored with drama/Titans eating people and angst… mostly because about Titans eating people (seriously, I'm not joking when I say this is the slowest of slow burns- your first taste of smut comes in chapter 33). The story will be following the canon as closely as I can manage when applicable, at least, pre-timeskip (y'know, where there's less canon to get in my way).