Okay, being as its actually been requested... (gasp!) Here is the missing episode! So what do you think?

Oh, also, this is even more interesting if you read it while listening to Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl." Just a tip. :)

Takes place when Carl and Tamerlaine convince Van Helsing to go and attempt to persuade Hannah to help them out.

Big Bang Theory: The Lost Episode

Van Helsing slipped out the door and turned to close it, catching a last glimpse of Carl and Tamerlaine, watching him with laughter plain in their eyes.

Not fair, he thought. Completely unfair.

Having a female admirer? I should have thought you'd be used to that by now, Van Helsing.

Well, I'm not, he thought irritably. And what's more I don't intend to get used to it.

Female admirer? It sounded so nice in theory. But when applied to this particular female—

He could hear, in the distance, Hannah making the loud noises that, in her world, passed for a normal speaking voice. She seemed to be outlining the dinner order for the cook— Van Helsing caught the words "gruel" and "thin" and "small portions." How on earth had she managed to cram so much weight on with the diet she sustained? And why did she and Carl look nothing alike? Presumably there were some physical similarities below the rolls of fat—

He had to terminate that line of thought abruptly because he was making himself nauseous.

Remember why you're doing this, Van Helsing.

Pause.

Why am I doing this again?

To help out Carl's girl.

Ah yes. Well. If he was prepared to make this much of a sacrifice, he had better get some appreciation from Tamerlaine, at least. A kiss would suffice, provided it was accompanied by a large sum of money.

He tried to think of a plan of action for attacking Hannah—

Good God, Van Helsing! Think of another wording for it! Quick!

—for persuading Hannah to co-operate.

Better. But not much.

Something that, preferably, did not involve physical contact of any kind.

Standing across the room and threatening her with a bow and arrow, perhaps. He reached the door of the den of the beast— it was ajar and therein he saw Hannah, reclining on a couch, which seemed to be creaking under her girth. He clenched his teeth and pushed open the door.

"Ms. Hampton—"

"Miss!"

"Miss Hampton. I have come to tell you—" At this inopportune moment, words failed him and he stood for a bit with his mouth open. After a few false starts, she stood up and strode towards him, having taken this silence entirely the wrong way.

"Mr. Van Helsing—" she cooed, coming much closer than he would have desired. "I understand completely."

"No you don't—"

"No, I do. I really do. And much as it is inappropriate for you to enter a lady's boudoir unaccompanied—"

"This is the drawing room!"

"I completely understand your motivation, and sadly, I must inform you, to my infinite regret, that your dreams and desires can never be fulfilled."

At this point Van Helsing's eyes opened so wide he became momentarily afraid they would pop out of his skull.

"I have not been unaware of the regard you bear me," Hannah went on, obviously enjoying the whole scenario. "I have been made aware of it in many ways— the manner in which you stare at me when you think I'm not looking; the way you so often seem speechless when I am about; the way you try to protect me from things that would compromise my innocent maidenhood—"

Van Helsing uttered a strangled shriek but she took no notice and swept on.

"Much as I appreciate all the attention you have paid me, I must say that I am obliged to ask you not to act on it. I am, you know, nearly thirty by this point—"

"But Carl—"

"I don't care what my brother said, I am only twenty-nine!" she said sharply, then relaxed and smiled. "And I am not prepared to entirely give up my solitary life. Many things are arranged in such a manner specifically to please me, and I am not sure what about married life would likewise— please me." She gave him a look from under her eyelashes and Van Helsing's stomach lurched. "Therefore I feel compelled to inform you that your proposal of marriage would be rejected."

"Urk," said Van Helsing indistinctly.

"However, I do like you quite a bit, and I will of course help you on your way in any manner in which I am required to do so." Hannah got a bit bogged down in sentence structure and took a moment to fix her hair.

"Graa," said Van Helsing.

"I know exactly what you mean, and I feel the pain too. You must go now, but— you may kiss my cheek."

Hannah proffered her upturned face to Van Helsing. It was clear to the monster hunter that there was no escaping his fate.

Lips pursed, and distaste suffusing his tan skin with red, he leaned in.