Unspoken
I love you.
She asks for just one night.
She had always been a shy, reserved person. Trembling, soft, and quiet, she had the habit of wrapping her arms around herself and seeking a warmth she has never quite found. Her fingers are shaking and her eyes are downcast. Her figured is bowed and drawn in – like waiting for the hit that will not come.
There is a certain fear and resignation in her features, but there is strength there too – the certain set of her shoulders and the way her fingers are clenched tightly. Just because she wouldn't put up much of a fight doesn't mean she would just roll over.
Hinata is stubborn like that.
You look down at her because she's always been smaller than you, and you don't speak yet. Your dark eyes stare intently down at her fragile form and you, dressed only in your black shorts, cross your arms and lean into the doorway.
She's standing outside of your apartment and you really should ask her, ' Do you know what time it is?' because she's standing here in front of you dressed in a pair of jeans and white shirt, so late at night in front of your apartment and all your neighbours have been in bed for hours now - but you don't because you're sure she knows and so do you.
There have always been a lot of things you don't question in your relationship. Like the way in which you had been the best of friends back when you were still kids, when most boys thought girls had cooties and you thought she was the cutest thing possible. And how you had been her only friend as she tremblingly extended her small hands towards you and only you everyday when you had come to see her, but had so easily turned away from her when your father was gone.
You might be her father's protégé now but your father might still be here if you hadn't known them at all.
You remember the hate and resentment and they are still familiar because you haven't totally let them go yet. Forgiveness is a new thing to you – you've spent the majority of your life holding onto the bitterness. It wasn't that easy to let it go.
She doesn't move her eyes to look up at you because she's never been able to look you in the eyes since you turned and walked away from her so many years ago. There is an odd stirring in your chest, because she is still like the child that you remember. So young and small and you know that she still doesn't know what is the best for her.
She shares the same dark hair as you and although she keeps her hair in a short cut just to her chin, you think it suits her better than any of those long elaborate hairstyles that other girl's sport.
She's always been younger than you, only by a year, but it has always felt like more. You're only seventeen and she's sixteen, but it feels like so much more. You've both been through too much to remain young, but somehow she still manages to pulls it off miraculously every time when you think she could not get any more innocent.
Yet you can't say that it is true every time you see her, because ever since you've started to try and bridge the gap between your two families, you've been observing her again. And you see how she would smile and laugh with her friends, but every now and then a distance would enter her eyes and she would go unreachable.
Those are the moments, moments like these that you want to grab her by the shoulder and shake her. You want to shout the question 'why' at her over and over again, and you want her to answer - and yet not. Because you haven't been a part of her life for a very long time and you're not sure if you want to ask, and listen to her reasons and the things that happened to her that did not involve you at all.
You don't want to know things have changed and how she has lived and moved on for years –
- And you still haven't answered her.
You shove away from the doorway and you take a step back. Wordlessly, you tell her that it is not right to speak of such things standing in the hallway of your apartment building because who knows who might hear you. And because she is Hinata and you are you, she understands everything that you don't say and hesitantly takes a step into the apartment. You close the door behind her and you have never heard how the sound of your door locking could be so final.
Because it's not.
It's not because you still haven't said a word to her yet and you haven't replied. She stands in the middle of your living room, looking smaller than ever and she doesn't look around at all even though she's never been in your apartment before and would probably never have the chance again. Her downcast eyes stare at your feet and you try not to think about her pair of shoes by yours on the mat by the door.
You don't offer her a drink because you're not that gracious a host and you don't want her to think that she is welcome here, because she's not. So you don't bother to go put on a shirt either and you just look at her.
There is silence but silence is not new between the two of you. Her hands tremble when she lets go of herself and she doesn't meet your eyes but she looks up. She takes a few uncertain steps towards you and you watch as her hand comes up.
She flinches away before she actually touches you and her pearl eyes slide away from your form immediately. You share the same eyes but somehow they've always looked different on her than they do on you.
You think it's about time she retreats and walks away from this, but she surprises you (even if you don't show it) when she takes another step and places her hand (surprise, of all places) above your heart.
You don't move to encourage her nor do you push her away. She can feel the beat of your heart now, as it beats like a drum. Something about the fast-paced rhythm soothes her and there is a soft, distinct calm that happens on the inside of her that you don't see but feel.
You want to grab her hand, yank her towards you, and ask her roughly just what is so damn reassuring about a heartbeat. But you stay still because a small peace has settled inside of her and there is a light in her eyes that you haven't seen before but that's makes your mouth go dry as she stares straight ahead towards her hand.
There is gratitude and a hope in her eyes when she finally looks up towards your face. You ignore the way your heart picks up and stare down at her impassively.
You've been sought after before, you've had relationships before and the game is not new to you – but this is. The relationships had never lasted long nor had they ever worked out because you've never had any emotions involved.
You still don't think this is any different because you still don't have any emotions involved, because this is Hinata.
This is the girl your father has been sacrificed for, that time so many years ago. This is the girl you had turned and walked away from. This is the girl you hated and had made life miserable for years afterwards.
This is the girl you've come to redeem yourself to.
This is Hinata.
Shy, trembling, scared Hinata who is looking into your eyes with shining tears in hers. Soft, gentle, broken Hinata who you had left behind to her family where she had never been enough and would never measure up because she first-born and she was who she was. Quiet, timid, stubborn Hinata who found in your eyes the pieces she'd been missing.
You had stepped back into her life that day, so long ago now; face adverted while you tried to apologize but hadn't managed to. You had found her father and stepped in, to take the brunt of the harm.
Hinata had never had a head for politics, but now, she was free to pursue her dream as her father has taken you in as his protégé and all three of you knows that you would be the one responsible for the Clan when he retires. This is Hinata, whom you freed from the cage that had been her life for so long. And you can't forget the look in the younger sister's eyes either as she looked from you to her older sister, as their father let them both go.
This is Hinata who you should tell that you don't love because you've been though too much and lost too much, to love anymore. Your father is gone, your mother is silent and the rest of your family looks at you with weary eyes because you're just too jaded. Her father looks back at you with a light in his eyes as he sees memories on your face that you had no part in making. There is a resignation on the younger sister's face as she lets go of the fragile Hinata she had been trying to protect for so long.
You really should tell her, but you don't.
Because this is Hinata and she loves you.
And you don't speak because you won't promise her tonight because you are Neji and you don't lie. She asks for just one night but you won't reply.
You don't move away when her finally takes her hand off your heart only to pull herself close up towards your eyes where she sees all the pieces of you that no one else does. There is the light in her eyes and the smile that is only for you, and you won't let them go so easily.
You don't pull away because this is Hinata and she has enough love for the both of you. And because this is Hinata, she understands all the things you don't do and won't say.
I love you.
:: Owari ::
R&R.