I am so going to be flamed for this. Okay, once again I remind people that this is an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. I am in NO WAY making fun of God, or Jesus. I love the bible, in fact… it's a very cool story with some good lessons (and although it's obviously not a historical record, it's pretty neat all the same)

Now then, to answer questions from our readers!!! Yay!

1) A spiritualist is basically just someone who does not follow a certain belief system (such as Christianity) and has their own way of thinking. Many believe in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, like myself.

2) Yes! That was an MP reference! Glad you caught it Effie!

3) Oops! You're right Kralia… it was his wife… well… we'll just say that it… THEY'RE ON TO ME!

------------------------------------

Chapter Seven = The Naming of Stumpy! Oh, and the birth of Jesus…

And it came to pass that God grew bored of his television shows and began to watch the people of Earth again. And God noticed that children were the newest fashion. And God grew jealous, and wantedeth one of his own. And so God looked among the females of his creation and saw Mary.

And Mary was particularly quiet, which God liked. And God looked around and touched the flatland of earth.

And Mary jumped, "Holy crap!"

And an angel of God came unto her and said, "Do not be afraid, you have been chosen by God to carry his only son."

And Mary stared, "WHAT!?"

And God went into hiding for a few days.

And Mary finally decided to tell Joseph, who was her boyfriend, but Joseph didn't believe her. And so the angel of God came unto Joseph and said, "Hey, buddy!"

And Joseph squealed like a little girl but, after much therapy and several kinds of medication, admitted that it may be possible. And so Joseph took Mary as his wife. Reluctantly.

And it came to pass, that Herod the King did become once again bored with his subjects and decided to execute each and every one of them. And his advisors advised against it and so he said, "Well, damn. What about just a few hundred?"

And his advisors said, "It probably wouldn't be advis-"

But, because of his ADD, Herod became bored quite quickly and stopped listening. And he did speak again, "Ya ya, whatever… what can I do?"

And his advisor looked to his advisor, who said, "I'll have to ask my advisor…" And this pattern continued on for quite a few days…

And eventually Herod did get the news, though it had changed quite a lot through the line of advisors…

For it had changed from "let's attack Rome" to "send them all home". And Herod thought this was a smashing idea and did proclaim throughout the land that all people would return to their town of origin.

And Bethlehem was the birthplace of Joseph. And since Mary was with child, and quite moody, Joseph bought a donkey for their trip.

And so they began their trek to Bethlehem. And it came to pass that Joseph became whiney. And they walked in the desert with Mary on the donkey and Joseph began to complain.

And he said, in an amazingly whiney manner, "It's hot… my feet hurt! I have sand in my sandals! Are we there yet? Why aren't we there yet? The donkey won't stop crapping! The donkey smells like crap! I have dust in my eye! Ow, it hurts! Are we there ye-"

And Mary did mutter about rocks and the ideal sharpness for murder and did pray for silence. And she did say, "Oh, shuteth up you whiney idiot! If you'll shut your damn pie hole I'll let you ride the damn donkey!"

And Joseph did hop on the donkey and did ride the rest of the way to Bethlehem (although he did not cease his whining and several times Mary had to knock him out). And when they reached the outskirts of the city, Joseph did see the men watch and did let Mary sit on the donkey the rest of the way, for Joseph wanted to look good in front of his friends.

And they entered the city of Bethlehem and Mary did grow tired of Joseph's droning and did say to him, "Joseph, just… go. I'll find us an Inn, you go and sell the donkey for money."

And Joseph did squeal with delight and did race off with joy with the donkey.

And Mary did find an Inn and did wait for Joseph to return with the cash. And Joseph did return smiling, with a three-legged camel in tow. And Mary stared at him and did say, "What the hell is that? Where's the money for the Inn?"

And Joseph did say, "I traded it for this camel! Isn't it great!"

And Mary did gawk, "What!? It only has three legs! Who buys a three-legged camel!?"

And Joseph did reply, "I wonder what I should name him?"

And so Joseph had no money and so they stayed that night in a barn.

And it came to pass that Mary did go into labour and was in a great deal of pain.

And Joseph did mumble, "Well, "Leggie" is a little sarcastic… but "Stumpy" is kind of derogatory… Mary, what do you think of Stumpy?"

And Mary did grasp Joseph's arm and did glare and say, "FINE! STUMPY IS JUST FINE! NOW SHUTETH UP!"

And finally Mary did have her baby and Joseph did look upon his son and did say, "We shall call him Stumpy Jr. for Stumpy did come before hi-"

And Mary did hit him on the head with a large chicken leg and did scream, "No you idiot! His name is Jesus!"

And during this, in the east, there had been three wise men, who had been following a bright star for quite some time. And they did carry precious gifts, for they had heard of the saviour's birth and wished to suck up to him right and early. And they were indeed wise.

And as they traveled, they came upon Herod the king. And Herod had grew once again bored and stopped the wise men, saying, "Hey! What'cha doin'"

And the wise men did say, "We are following yonder star westward, in search of the king."

And Herod did say, smiling, "Why, I am the king! You sillies…"

And the wise men did smile and nod and did say, "Sure you are… okay… oh, we believe you..."

And Herod did become angry and did say, "I am! When you find this 'king'… tell him... I challenge him to a DUEL!"

And the wise men did continue on as if this hadn't happened.

And as they neared Bethlehem they did see a large neon sign that read, "Appearing one night only: Jesus Christ, premiere performance!"

And they came upon the shelter of Mary and Joseph and Jesus and they did bow before his manger and did say, "Oh Lord, we worship you and if you ever have need of a king or ruler or rich-person then look no further than us!" And they did bestow upon him the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

And while this divine ass-kissing did take place, the shepards of a nearby field did look to the skies and did see angels. And the angels did say, "Do not fear, we come with good tidings of peace."

And the shepard did throw away his alcohol immediately and did cower in fear.

And the angel did say, "I just told you 'do not fear'! Damn humans… never listen…"

And the shepard did say, "What? Could you repeat that?"

And the angel was glad that aliens would someday overtake the earth and enslave all the humans. And he said, "Go to Bethlehem, there you will find a child wrapped in swaddling clothes. He is Jesus, son of God."

And the shepard had not been listening, but decided to pretend he had and followed the neon flashing lights toward the birthplace of Jesus.

And Mary did look for cloths to wrap Jesus with, but there were none and she did tell Joseph to buy some with what little money they had left. And Joseph did get his camel and did attempt to ride it to the store. And the camel did collapse, for it had but three legs…

And Joseph did goeth to the store with his list, which read: "milk, bread, Jell-O and swaddling clothes" And he did browse for hours and did return with cheese, cake and glue.

And Mary said unto him, "This isn'teth what I asked for! And where are the swaddling clothes…?"

And Joseph did pause to look at the list again and did say, "I don't know what that is."

And Mary did glare and did snatcheth his head-shroud and wrap it around baby Jesus. And Joseph did pout.

And God finally came out of hiding and did look upon the earth cautiously and did see his newest creation. And he did say, "Damn, I'm good."

------------------------------------

I hope you all enjoyed it, I certainly did! Expect an elaboration of Jesus' little-known childhood and teenage-years next chapter. And thank you for reading and reviewing! Love you all!