TITLE: The Reason Is You
AUTHOR: Micky Fine
DISCLAIMER: The characters of The West Wing don't belong to me and almost the entirety of the dialogue in this fic (except for the last conversation) is not mine either. They belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells, NBC, etc. and no infringement is intended. The song used is The Reason by HOOBASTANK.
SPOILERS: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen II, Pilot, Guns Not Butter, Noel, The Crackpots & These Women, The Portland Trip, The Leadership Breakfast, 17 People, Inauguration: Over There, Talking Points, Angel Maintenance, and Impact Winter.
SUMMARY: On the flight to Huston, Josh reflects on his relationship with Donna. Post-ep for Impact Winter with many nostalgia moments. J/D.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, so I know that The Reason has got to be one of THE most overused songfic songs but I heard it on the radio the other day and it cause inspiration. It probably doesn't help that I've been watching lots of episodes from Seasons 1 and 2 lately. I would really like to thank the website Political Affairs, which does an excellent job of recording ALL conversations that happen between Josh and Donna during each show, without that site, this fic would not have been possible. All song lyrics are in italics. All conversations, except for the last, are from the show. Reviews welcome and wanted.
I'm sitting on this plane to Huston, slightly nervous about the idea of approaching Congressman Santos to run for President. I wish Donna were here to joke with me, banter with me, just be with me but the very thought of her gives me a now familiar pang. She quit. She left me. Feeling the need to wallow I let myself reflect on all the moments that I've shared with her.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Donna Moss. Who are you?"
"I'm Josh Lyman."
"Ah."
"Yes."
"I'm your new assistant."
"Did I have an old assistant?"
"Maybe not."
It was a rather inconspicuous beginning. I walked into my office at the New Hampshire Bartlet for America headquarters to find an attractive, blonde, young woman answering my phone. In less than five minutes I had learned her name, where she came from, that she had had five majors and two minors in two years, that her med student boyfriend had been a freeloader and dumped her, and that she had come to New Hampshire to work on the campaign. I'd discovered all of these things and had been just about ready to send her back to Madison, Wisconsin when she gave me a look (one that I would soon become familiar with) and then spoke some of the most memorable sentences of my life.
"Look. I think I can be good at this. I think you might find me valuable."
I don't think she'll ever know just how true those words were.
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
"What's that?"
"It's coffee."
"I thought so."
"I brought you some coffee."
"What's going on, Donna?"
"Nothing's goi..."
"Donna."
"I brought you some coffee."
"Close the door. Donnatella Moss, when did you start working for me?"
"During the campaign."
"And how long have you been my assistant?"
"A year and a half."
"And when was the last time you brought me a cup of coffee? It was never. You've never brought me a cup of coffee."
I thought it was annoying at first. I'd had assistants before, none as efficient as Donna, but they had always brought me coffee. Donna refused. The first time I asked her for coffee was during a planning session for a speech in South Carolina. She gave me a look that I didn't know the meaning of yet and then got up to bring me a cup. When she returned, she waited for a pause in the conversation and then poured the steaming liquid into my lap. I immediately screeched and jumped up, swiping at my pants. Donna, after exchanging a grin with CJ, then informed me that she was my assistant and that I should treat her as a professional and not like a waitress. She then sat down in her chair with a smug smile on her face and continued taking notes.
Since then I have found it comforting that no matter what, Donna will never bring me coffee. Ever. I wish she wouldn't bring me coffee now.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
"You took funding for remote prayer to the President?"
"Oh, I did it with gusto."
"That's because you don't know the story of Fishhooks McCarthy."
"Is this a real person, or a Donna person?"
"Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at the St. James Church on Oliver Street, and said the same prayer: 'Oh Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest.'"
"Not that there needs to be, but was there a point?"
"You've got health and strength - both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body."
"Yeah, and you're going to need some kryptonite, by the way..."
"Okay ... settle down."
"All right."
"So you've got health and strength."
"And we'll steal the rest?"
"Bet your ass."
It had been a hellish day, one in which I'd threatened to quit, and I'd been outside the Oval Office with Donna discussing the events when she had brought up the shooting. I hadn't wanted to think about those events and it was at that moment I realized just how much they had affected her. There had been a look in her eye when she said the words "hot lead" that I vaguely recognized seeing there in the hospital when she came to see me. Of course, the biggest moments for me, and inadvertently for her, when it came to the shooting would be the December after.
I had spent most of Christmas Eve with Stanley and after that emotionally strenuous day I came across Leo in the lobby. After he had comforted me in the subtlest of ways he said some things that reminded me of just how amazing Donna was (and still is).
"You wrapped that yourself, right?"
"The bandage?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Donna's gonna take you to the emergency room."
"She knows?"
"She was the one who guessed."
Besides realizing that something was wrong with me, Donna then took me to a crowded emergency room and waited with me for two and a half hours. Afterwards she took me home and spent Christmas with me instead of with her family in Wisconsin. It's amazing the things she's done for me.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
"Donald hasn't called me yet."
"Who's Donald?"
"Donald."
"Yes ..."
"From the thing?"
"Right. Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see, in the free time that you create by not working very hard at your job?"
It has always been common knowledge from the beginning that I am not fond of the idea of Donna dating and haven't been since the second week of the campaign. From Dr. Freeride to Colin the IRA bag man I have discouraged and, in some cases, sabotaged Donna's dates and relationships. Of course, during my moments of what I can now label as jealousy I have been rather hurtful to Donna.
"It's time to go."
"Not for me. Matt Skinner's coming down from the Hill."
"When did this happen?"
"Two minutes ago. Do you have plans?"
"Did I have plans."
"Did you?"
"Look at me!"
"Hey, you look good."
"Yes, I do!"
"You weren't wearing that during the day today."
"Pity the girl who tries to get something past you, Josh."
"What are your plans?"
"We are having drinks, we are having dinner, we are dancing, we are having dessert."
"No problem. You can do all those things except for the drinks, the dancing and the dessert."
"Josh..."
"You need to be done with dinner in an hour and five minutes."
"Do you see what I'm wearing?
"If you want to have sex, you better do it during dinner."
"This is the guy, Josh. This is a great guy. His name is Todd."
"You met him for five minutes at a party."
"I got the good vibe."
"Okay."
"I have an excellent sense about these things."
"Actually, you have no sense about these things. You have no vibe, you have terrible taste in men, and your desire to be coupled up will always and forever drown out any small sense of self or self-worth that you may have."
Of course, the ultimate bottom of my relationship with Donna when it comes to her boyfriends was Cliff. Besides the anger I felt that she was dating someone, I had been cruel to her, both after she had told me about them and after she told me that she had lied at her deposition. The lowest point, personally, however, was when I was forced to read Donna's diary, especially the portions including Cliff. It hurt me and there was a long period where my relationship with Donna felt like it would never be the same. Thankfully we got back to normal.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
Of course, there are many moments during the time I've spent with Donna during which there have been light moments. I think one of my favorites has to be from during our first term.
"Donna?"
"What was in the envelope?"
"Your underwear."
"What?"
"I'm holding your ... underwear ... in my hand right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back - which is obviously something we'll spend some time talking about at a later date."
"How did you get my underwear?"
"Donna, did you by any chance wear the same pair of pants two days in a row this week?"
"No."
"Donna?"
"Yes."
"When you got dressed on day two, did you check the pant leg for the previous day's underwear?"
"I don't need to check the pant leg for..."
"Donna."
"They fell out of my pants?"
"It would appear that way."
"Where?"
"The South Street exhibit."
"Where?"
"On the floor in front of Karen Cahill."
"Please tell me she's not the one..."
"She sent a note."
I kept that note in my desk and would pull it out on special occasions. It insinuates several things about my relationship with Donna, which I could only wish to be true, and makes me smile. But the memory that always warms my heart (that sounds excessively cheesy but it's true) was only a few days before I found out about the President's MS.
"Oh, Josh, Josh, Josh."
"Yes?"
"Joshua, Josh, Josh."
"What the hell is happening now?"
"You feel, I believe - because you're quite addle-minded - that this job was my second choice."
"Hey, I'm just grateful we were your last choice."
"I'm going to give you a little gift right now, which you don't deserve."
"Donna, if you've got your old Catholic school uniform on under there - don't get me wrong, I applaud the thought, but..."
"Okay, what I need is for you to stop being, like, you for a second."
"Okay."
"When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?"
"Yeah."
"I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk?"
"Yeah. And you know why? Because you didn't put down the kitty litter."
"I was actually in a car accident."
"You were in a car accident?"
"It was..."
"Seriously, you were in an accident?"
"It was no big deal."
"You told me it was a late thaw."
"Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital, and I called him and he came down to get me ... and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer."
"He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?"
"Yes. And so I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I left him. So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him and you had every reason to."
"Donna..."
"You're going to make fun of him now, aren't you?"
"No."
"Because that's why I didn't tell you in the first place."
"I'm not going to make fun of him."
"Good."
"But just what kind of a dumfkiss..."
"He was supposed to meet some of his friends; he stopped on the way to tell them he couldn't."
"And had a beer?"
"Does this make you feel superior? Yes ... you are better than my old boyfriend."
"I'm - I'm just saying if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer."
"If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. Oh, and the flowers are beautiful."
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
Thinking of Donna's boyfriends always reminds me about how often her lack of self-esteem and this tendency she has to ignore how important she is to me. Heading down that train of thought always brings out one particular memory, mostly because it ended with Donna sitting on my lap.
"You came out here without a coat?"
"I need you to keep your voice down. Go ahead, you're entitled - give it all to me again."
"You don't know the White House rejected 10 billion for the DOD - you have absolutely no way of knowing that. Jack said it. The researcher called Jack, and Jack said it."
"He was working a lot of nights, and it really wore him out..."
"Yeah?"
"And then this thing happened and he didn't think he was on the record."
"Donna..."
"He didn't, Josh. That was legitimate."
"He's letting you take the credit for this?"
"Listen, this guy's got an important career ahead of him."
"Your career isn't important? What was the point of anyone claiming ... You knew it was easy to figure out it was him."
"Not as easy as you made it. I didn't think about the..."
"There's a list of things you didn't think about - including your job, what the President thinks of you..."
"Does he know about this?"
"He's about to.
"You look amazing."
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Thinking of all the amazing times I've spent with Donna brings me closer to the present and I reflect on one of the moments I regret most.
"What's this?"
"Your diplomatic passport.
"You're going on a CODEL to the Middle East with Fitzwallace and Andi. No Presidential hand-holding - you're going to see what's going on, brief me and Toby about it."
She'd been thrilled and had sent several long emails after arriving that I had pretty much ignored because I didn't have time for Donna's...whatever. I'd been in the middle of something, I can't remember now what it was, when CJ came and told me the information that caused time to stop.
Watching the news coverage and hearing from Toby via Andi that Donna had been the car reminded me of a conversation I'd had ages ago. Thinking of it almost made me want to laugh at the irony.
"You know what gripes my ass?
"If anything ever happened to me, chances are it's going to be when I'm sitting next to you and I'm going to be an also dead. 'Senior Bartlet advisor Joshua Lyman killed by a pack of wild dogs ... also dead, Dianne Moss.'"
At that moment I had wished with all of my being that I could have been with her, because if she was going to die I didn't want to be alive either. Living would have been too painful.
I'm brought out of my mental immersion in thoughts of Donna by the gentle shock of the plane landing and I am forced to once again realize that Donna has left me. While waiting for the plane to come to a stop I find myself reflecting, once again, on the last moments before Donna left.
"We're having our conversation now."
"Don't you think it would be irresponsible for me to leave this administration before the end of the second term?"
"It's a conversation about me, not you."
"I got to get over to the OEOB."
"You have to sit down and talk to me, that's what you have to do."
"You're very demanding today. Even Leo thinks I should be wandering the American byways in search of the next President."
"I quit."
"What? Come on! No you don't. Walk with me."
"Look at my face. I'm not messing with you."
"Donna..."
"There's going to be a temp here tomorrow."
"Oh, for ... we were supposed to have lunch ... I cancelled ... it was crappy of me."
"This is what we were going to talk about."
"I-I-I ... tomorrow..."
"We were going to talk about where my job was going. Because though working for you is an honor and a privilege, I'm ready for more and it's not happening here and I've started looking and..."
"Slow down. Slow down. We'll talk about it. Absolutely. You're right. Tomorrow. Lunch. You and me.
"She quits. Oy."
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I walk into the airport at Huston and take a deep breath, grateful for the lack of smell that only exists in the filtered air of an airplane. As I walk past baggage claim, I stop short and am then nearly run over by two petite Asian women pulling four massive suitcases.
Donna said she was leaving the job...she wanted more...she wants more.
I quickly pull out my cell phone and press 'one' on my speed dial.
"Donna Moss."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for Donnatella Moss. I need her to not bring me coffee."
"Hang on, I'll see if I can find her. Oh, wait, you're speaking to her."
"Thank God."
"What's up, Josh?"
"I quit. Actually, that's not quite true. I'm going to quit."
"C'mon, Josh, Marla's not that bad..."
"It's not about, Marla, although we are going to have a conversation about that in the future."
"Then, you're...serious? You're quitting?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because despite the fact that working with you was an honor and a privilege, I'm ready for more and it's not happening..."
"Josh, don't mock me."
"I'm not, Donna."
"Well, what kind of more are you looking for, Mr. Lyman?"
"Ms. Moss, I plan to get a good man to run for President. I'm going to make sure he wins."
"And you want me to join you? Oh, Josh, don't you see that it would be the same thing..."
"Donnatella, I don't want you to come back as my assistant."
"You don't?"
"No."
"What do you want?"
"Well, there are actually quite a few things that involve you and chocolate sauce...but the first thing I want is to make sure you're always in my life."
"Oh...Josh."
"So, if you want to join us, I will most willingly find you a job that will challenge you but what I'd really like is to take you out when I get back to Washington."
"Yes, Josh, that would be lovely. But what do you mean when you get back to Washington? Where are you?"
"I'm in the airport in Huston..."
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you