Waiting for Sam to wake up this morning had been tortuous.
On the one hand, Sheelagh liked the way she woke up. They'd been physically close before but never completely naked and wrapped up in each other like this. With Sam's head tucked under her chin and their legs entwined, she recognised they couldn't have been closer – in any sense of the word – and it was one of the most delicious sensations in the world. However, on the other hand, she gave way to a jolt of panic brought on from the daylight beginning to peek in through the curtains. It only took trailing her fingers along Sam's soft skin for her stomach to settle again. Any real apprehension was roundly suffocated under the memory of the last few days and, especially, last night.
Of course, they owed a lot to Connor. When she'd arrived home that day after Abi's video message she'd broken down completely and he'd been left to pick up the pieces. She hadn't a clue that he'd gone out until she got out of the bath, but for him to return with Sam was surreal. There was a difference between accepting their relationship and actively trying to throw them together, something he'd done twice now. She could hardly comprehend that level of support, even if she suspected they were going to need it in the future.
That reconciliation with Sam had resulted in a new frankness between them that seemed to change everything. Sheelagh had been more surprised than perhaps she ought to have been by the insight Sam seemed to have into why she'd reacted so vehemently to Hugh Wallis. The conversations they'd had that night about Hugh, Cavanaugh and Des had swept away most of Sheelagh's subconscious reservations about the physical side of their relationship. Since then, she'd found herself giving in completely to her desires and last night could easily have happened a little earlier. It had done them good to wait and she'd certainly felt it building in the days since their reconciliation. Truth had done something to them that she couldn't quantify, but she found it utterly intoxicating and she fully appreciated Sam offering to take this at her pace. That meant that she wanted her even more.
It hadn't been her intention to bring Sam to the Lakes and take things to the next level. Somehow, it had just seemed easier away from London. The visit to Glenn hadn't stirred up any jealousy but it had reminded her exactly how damaged Sam was. Although it had been part of the plan for Sheelagh to take the lead in that interview, she'd been perturbed by how small Sam looked in that house. Eighteen years ago she'd given herself to Glenn Weston and fallen in love for the first time, only to be horrified by his secret past and identity. The scars from that still lingered, and understandably so. The other night Sam had said that she'd only gone into two relationships in her life for the right reasons and Sheelagh didn't underestimate that. She could completely comprehend why Sam protected herself so much and, last night, she'd seen again how those defences could sprout up out of thin air.
In hindsight, calling Lance and asking his advice on a gay-friendly B&B had been one of her better ideas recently. She wasn't even sure whether Sam had clocked the fact and, to be fair, booking the room had been one of the more nerve-wracking experiences of her life. While she was striving to be okay with all this, it was unsettling if she stopped to think about what she was doing. She almost hadn't made the call, worried what a complete stranger would think about her, but then she remembered that they were sailing perilously close to the wind at work. That was more of an issue whereas showing their love to a stranger in Cumbria was negligible. She needed to demonstrate to Sam that she wasn't ashamed by their relationship and she hoped she'd managed to do that with the B&B and the meal at the pub.
Walking back along the country lane, she'd felt Sam fighting the inevitable. If they'd decided this was going at Sheelagh's pace, though, she was ready. Sure, they might only have been together for a matter of weeks but it was far more intimate than an average relationship and, besides, most people these days jumped into bed at the first opportunity. That they hadn't wanted to push things quickly had said a lot about them, not only the good stuff but the anxious stuff as well. Sam was petrified of being hurt again, especially petrified of losing her. That wasn't going to happen as far as Sheelagh was concerned, though she could understand Sam's misgivings. This was new to them both and she was scared as well. However, she trusted Sam not to hurt her. They were in this together and they'd find their way together, if only they could get started. With a bottle of wine inside her, Sheelagh had felt brave and determined not to let Sam pull away if it was clear she wanted the same thing. The way she started nervously tidying the room had proven that so Sheelagh had taken charge. It might've been as much bravado as anything but, when it came down to it, they both wanted the same thing and their inhibitions had fallen away.
This morning, Sheelagh was under no illusions about how significant last night had been – for both of them. For her, it was the first time she'd felt truly at peace in a long time. It was safe, it was loving and it was honest, but it was also incredibly fulfilling in every way. For twenty three years with Patrick she'd resigned herself to warm but unexciting, while her brief fling with Des had been exactly the opposite. However, last night had demonstrated that you could have it both ways and no one would ever be able to convince her otherwise. This was meant to be, her and Sam; she was certain of it now and, from all that had happened last night, she suspected Sam felt the same. She'd relinquished control last night, probably for the first time since Glenn, and it had been beautiful to witness. Knowing that she'd been the cause of it gave Sheelagh a thrill that she couldn't explain to anyone who didn't know Samantha Nixon. There were only a few things in her life she was truly proud of being responsible for and making Sam scream her name had shot to the top of the list.
Sam began to stir and Sheelagh swallowed down her fear. It'd be pretty difficult to pretend that nothing had happened but Sam certainly was capable of anything, even if Sheelagh didn't intend to let her get away that easily. She held her breath as she pulled back then exhaled as their eyes met. There was nothing but love and trust there, though that was pretty momentous in itself.
'Morning,' Sam whispered.
'Morning,' Sheelagh returned with a smile. 'How are you doing?'
Stroking her cheek, Sam said, 'Pretty good actually. If you're okay, that is?'
She responded to that by leaning in for a kiss and Sam's legs tightened around her. A few minutes later, Sheelagh forced herself to withdraw before they got carried away again. The smirk on Sam's face was more a challenge than anything else but she tried to stick to her guns.
'We're going for breakfast,' she said firmly.
'We don't have to go anywhere for that,' Sam replied, sliding a hand along her stomach.
Sheelagh let out her breath in a rush. 'Well, maybe we can do both.'
It was lucky they were flexible on breakfast at this place. When they finally surfaced the owner shot them a knowing look then gestured to the window table and brought them coffee. Sheelagh couldn't keep the smile from her face and she was relieved she didn't have to try in this place. She grasped for Sam's fingers on the tabletop as they muddled through ordering a full English apiece, her mind still back in the bedroom. From the look on Sam's face, she was in the same place.
'Listen,' Sheelagh said finally, 'I've had a thought.'
Sam raised an eyebrow. 'Another one?'
'Behave,' she warned, covering herself with a sip of her coffee. 'No, I wondered if we should call in on Siobhan in Leeds on the way back down.'
'You want to...' Clearing her throat, Sam restarted, 'Are you sure you're ready for that?'
'Darling, I don't think I'm ever going to be ready,' she answered. 'I just think that... Well, I couldn't be surer of us right now, maybe we should use it to our advantage. You know, Siobhan might not come home again till Christmas and I want to tell her.'
'I don't want to see you hurt,' Sam said seriously.
'And I love you for that,' Sheelagh replied, 'but we have to get it done. Unless you've gone off me?'
With a chuckle, she squeezed her hand. 'Yeah, that's it.'
'So should I text her?' asked Sheelagh after a moment.
'Yep,' Sam said immediately. 'Let's do this.'
Sheelagh appreciated the reappearance of the forthright Samantha Nixon at just the right time. They were going to need that strength today, she recognised as their breakfasts arrived.
It'd been nice in their little bubble. Although the questions about Glenn had led to nothing, the trip hadn't been a waste of time and it was with a certain amount of regret that they packed up to go. Sheelagh kept a sharp eye on Sam's demeanour; for a start, it kept her from tipping backwards into her own worries.
Before they left the room, Sheelagh wrapped her arms around her waist and met her eye. 'Anything on your mind?'
Sam's lips twitched. 'One or two things.'
'Apart from that,' Sheelagh clarified. 'Since we've gotta be out of here in twenty minutes. Come on,' she added sternly, 'talk to me.'
'I feel guilty,' Sam admitted with a grimace. 'I shouldn't feel this happy while Abi's missing.'
Sheelagh tugged her closer. 'And?'
Sighing, she continued, 'I could've avoided all this. She wouldn't even be missing if I'd been brave enough to talk to you months ago. It's my fault she's out there and here I am feeling so...'
She trailed off and Sheelagh tightened her grip. Waiting until Sam hesitantly met her eye, she asked, 'Do you remember the first meal we had at the red-light bar?'
'It's not the same,' Sam said instantly.
'Yes, it is,' she insisted. 'You told me it was okay to smile and forget for a little while, maybe not in so many words but that's what you meant. We've got hope with Abi, we're going back to London to follow up leads and, in the meantime, you're allowed to feel happy about this – about us. Besides which,' she went on, pressing a finger to Sam's lips, 'you know it isn't that clear cut. If you'd have told me the truth at the start of the year we wouldn't be here now and I doubt I'd have any sort of relationship with Connor. Abi would still have been unhappy and you might've been dealing with this alone. Now, we're going to bring Abi home to the family she's always wanted, the family you need as much as her. The one I need,' she said with a pained smile, 'us and the kids. So don't you dare feel guilty for giving in to it, do you hear?'
Sam kissed her finger. 'Loud and clear.'
'Good,' Sheelagh replied, 'then let's get out of here. You need to call Phil from the road, check on that email address.'
Once they were in the car, things slipped fundamentally back into the patterns they'd formed before. Sheelagh drove for the first stretch with ABBA accompanying them on the radio while Sam tried to get hold of Phil. It turned out he was in court all morning so Sheelagh feigned a desire for coffee and pulled over at a petrol station.
'You're managing me again,' Sam pointed out when she migrated towards the passenger side door after they'd collected their coffees.
Sheelagh shrugged and tossed her the keys. 'So make an official complaint.'
Sam didn't exactly protest at having the road to focus on, even if her occasional glances sideways were infused with something other than resurgent professionalism. Patrick had never looked at her like that, Sheelagh realised, and Des's gaze had felt more predatory than anything else. She'd enjoyed it only because she didn't know better but she did now. This was what feeling loved, safe and excited at the same time felt like.
Siobhan had been slightly surprised to get a call encouraging her to skip a lecture and meet them for a late lunch instead but agreed to it. Although Sheelagh kept her voice breezy on the phone – it wasn't actually a complete lie that they were in the area, after all – she felt the nerves creeping in when she hung up. Without saying a word, Sam slid a hand onto her knee and they passed the rest of the trip in silence, apart from ABBA.
When they parked up something shifted. Sheelagh spotted the alteration but waited for Sam to acknowledge it as they clumsily navigated their way to the cafe Siobhan had suggested for lunch. In the midst of a bustling city centre, they automatically put a little distance between themselves and being lost in a crowd seemed to be the nudge Sam needed to speak.
'We don't have to do this,' she said. 'You know, you could have lunch with Siobhan and I could go for a wander round the shops or something.'
'Is that what you want?' Sheelagh asked.
Sam shrugged and dodged out of the way of an old lady in a wheelchair. 'I'm giving you an out, that's all. Just because we're here, it doesn't mean you have to go through with it. No pressure.'
'You know the last thing you've ever done is pressure me?' she returned. 'Stop fretting.'
'I don't fret,' Sam muttered and Sheelagh snorted.
'Of course not,' she said. 'Silly me.'
After a moment, Sam exhaled and rubbed her forehead. 'Okay, okay, sometimes I fret.'
'You're so easy,' Sheelagh commented with a grin.
'You've got me wrapped around your little finger, that's why,' retorted Sam. 'Honestly, before you arrived at the nick I was –'
'The ice queen?' interjected Sheelagh pleasantly.
Sam threw her a glare that was dramatically diluted by the warmth in her eyes. 'Where's this cafe?'
They found it without too much difficulty and waited outside until Siobhan arrived. In truth, Sheelagh's anxiety was more pronounced than she'd let on but she was determined to rise above it. They'd get through this because they had to and it was better to do it now than for Siobhan to find out from someone else. Their experiences with Connor had proven that she and Sam weren't exactly adept at hiding, nor should they have to be really. This was nothing to be ashamed of and she had to keep reminding herself of that fact with sidelong glances at a nervous Sam.
'Mum!'
Swivelling, she found Siobhan striding towards them with a giant smile on her face. Sheelagh barely had time to marvel at how grown-up she was looking these days before she was engulfed in a bone-crushing hug that brought tears to her eyes.
'Oh, don't start crying,' Siobhan warned as they separated.
'I'm not,' she lied. 'You look well, sweetheart.'
'So do you,' answered Siobhan then her attention shifted sideways. 'Hi, Sam. It's nice to see you again. I'm sorry about your daughter. Connor told me,' she added before either of them could ask. 'He says you've both been engrossed in the investigation.'
'That's why we're in this neck of the woods,' Sam replied smoothly. 'We had a lead. It didn't come to anything but we thought we'd make the most of being in the area.'
That was neatly done, Sheelagh realised. Talking about them as a pair was laying the groundwork and might plant a seed in Siobhan's head before they actually got to the confession part. After all, it had triggered a realisation in June Ackland during the Tess Garvey investigation, as much as that had irked Sheelagh at the time. She shot Sam an approving glance before taking Siobhan's arm and continuing her work.
'We're starving,' she said. 'Let's get something to eat.'
If Siobhan was surprised that Sam was eating with them, she didn't mention it. Nor did she draw attention to the fact that Sheelagh casually paid for all three lunches and openly cajoled Sam into splitting a piece of lemon cake with her as well.
'I haven't made you my lemon cake yet, have I?' Sheelagh asked as they sat down.
Sam groaned. 'Don't tell me you bake cakes as well. I like my figure the way it is.'
Sheelagh quirked an eyebrow, not sure the comment that nearly tripped off her lips was exactly appropriate. She watched Sam bury her smirk then said to Siobhan, 'Come on, it's ages since we had a real catch-up, tell me what you've been up to.'
'I'm sure Sam doesn't want to hear about it,' Siobhan said. Sheelagh recognised the combination of unease and care in her daughter's voice – she was genuinely uncertain about Sam's interest in her life and also a little nervous about flaunting the fact she was around while Abi wasn't. It was exactly what her sensitive girl would think about and she saw that Sam had also deduced the reasons for the hesitation.
'It's fine, trust me,' replied Sam. 'Go for it.'
After a moment, Siobhan nodded and plunged into her tales from the last couple of months. Only now they were sat like this did Sheelagh realise how much she'd missed her steady presence. More to the point, she hadn't seen her this carefree since before Niamh and Des. It made her feel momentarily guilty for wrecking her happy family but then she shot a glance at Sam and realised that her happy family had cracked a long time ago. They'd been bumbling along, her and Patrick, but life was worth more than that. Siobhan was the first one to fly the nest, Connor and Declan wouldn't be too far behind. What would've been left was her and Patrick, dissatisfied and unwilling to do anything about it because that simply wasn't how they approached things.
It was strange. Once more, she was struck by the realisation that things could only have happened this way. The kids could never have forgiven Des for breaking up their family and any hopes of a new family unit she'd harboured at the time had been nothing more than the result of desperation and fear. But, as Connor had said, it was different with Sam. She was at least free from the baggage of an affair that had split up a marriage, even if the situation was a bit more complex than the kids ever needed to know. If they asked, Sheelagh could honestly say that Sam had never encouraged her to do anything she didn't want to do and she'd merely offered unqualified support as she'd stumbled through the mess she'd made with Des. Siobhan had seen first-hand how supportive she'd been after Niamh and Connor had seen enough to convince him of the sincerity of the relationship. Declan was going to be the stumbling block, though she was trying not to think about it right now.
Siobhan finally ran out of steam after forty minutes and a peculiar silence settled over the table. It took Sheelagh a while to understand the problem – quite naturally, she and Sam had gravitated towards each other during the conversation and Sheelagh had unconsciously begun fiddling with the sleeve of Sam's jacket. As soon as Sam realised what she was doing, she pulled her arm away but the damage was done. Sheelagh looked back to her daughter and didn't like the mistrust in her eyes. Maybe it was time to bite the bullet before they were accused of hiding things.
'I've got some news,' she said and Sam imperceptibly stiffened beside her.
'Go on,' Siobhan said, voice impassive.
Sheelagh clasped her hands together on the tabletop. 'Okay, this might sound strange, sweetheart, but I promise it's what I...'
She trailed off as words failed her. With the exception of Hugh, she hadn't been called upon to defend her relationship with Sam so far. Most of the people who knew – Connor, Gina, Phil, Jack, Eva – had been supportive and had already known the truth before she spoke to them about it. Even June had guessed before they'd spoken. The only exception to that really had been Lance and she'd made a dog's ear of that one. Then she remembered everything that Sam had put herself through trying to do the so-called 'right thing' for them in the last year. The least she could do was show a little backbone in return. There was no going back for them so she might as well get it over with.
'I'm in love with Sam,' she went on abruptly. 'We're making a go of it.'
For a few seconds she doubted whether she'd actually said it aloud. Siobhan's expression had frozen solid, as though she was still waiting for an explanation and Sam was painfully still beside her. Just as she was about to try again Sam's hand settled over her own on the tabletop. That was apparently the nudge Siobhan needed to believe it and she exhaled in a rush.
'I don't understand,' she said. She seemed to have lost four years from her age in a matter of seconds.
Sheelagh winced at her tone. 'It's going to be difficult to get your head around –'
'I need some air,' Siobhan interrupted, grabbing her coat and taking off out of the cafe.
Pulling her up, Sam said, 'I think we should go after her.'
It was something she should really have thought of herself but she was a little slow off the mark. However, it wasn't that she didn't appreciate her caring girlfriend taking control at the moment, especially because it meant that when Siobhan glanced over her shoulder on the street, it was to see Sheelagh being physically held up by Sam. Her steps slowed and the confusion on her face deepened. She edged out of the thoroughfare, leaning against a shop window and wrapping her arms around her stomach. Sheelagh sighed and gripped Sam's hand tightly.
'I wanted to tell you face-to-face,' Sheelagh said after a few moments.
Siobhan sniffed. 'Better than last time, I suppose. You let Dad deal with that one.'
'This is nothing like that,' she warned. Her vehemence startled both of them and her eyes slipped sideways to check Sam was okay with the suggestion she was in the same category as Des. The look she received in return was so loving that even Siobhan recognised it and shifted feet.
'I'm sorry,' she muttered.
Sheelagh risked reaching out a hand to her arm. 'Don't be sorry, love. Of course you're gonna be surprised and I want you to be honest about what you're feeling.'
'Confused mainly,' Siobhan answered finally. 'You don't wake up one morning and... What about Dad and – and the Church and –'
'It wasn't one morning,' Sheelagh interjected, rubbing her arm. 'I've loved her for a long time, I just didn't see it. And, sure, it's been tough for me to accept but you know I wouldn't be here talking to you about it if I didn't believe it was completely right. I felt ashamed over Des,' she added with a sidelong glance. 'I don't feel ashamed over this. I'm happier than I thought I could be again,' she continued, refocusing on Siobhan, 'and I hope you can see that.'
Swallowing, Siobhan said, 'I already had. I thought something was different, I just didn't think...'
'Why would you?' Sheelagh questioned softly.
'Because of the funeral!' Siobhan retorted. 'The way you were together, how much you relied on her. Was it going on then?'
'No,' she answered. 'It's been weeks, that's all.'
'Weeks,' repeated Siobhan slowly. 'Her daughter's been missing for weeks. Is this why? Is this why she's run away?'
'Oi,' Sheelagh said sharply.
'No, no, Sheelagh, it's fine,' Sam insisted. To Siobhan, she said, 'We think that Abi's disappearance is connected, yeah, but not in the way you mean. You see, she was upset that I refused to tell your mum how I feel about her. I tied myself in knots trying to do the right thing for everyone and I failed. I have to live with that. But, I swear to you, I love your mum and if I honestly thought it was better for her without –'
'Okay, okay,' Siobhan cut in, 'I get it.'
'Do you?' pressed Sam in her gentlest tone. 'Do you understand how hard it was for your mum to come to terms with this and then to come here to tell you?'
Siobhan blinked back tears. 'Yes.'
'I promise I'm not gonna hurt her, okay?' Sam went on. 'I love her too much for that. You know, I'm not an idiot. I know how difficult this is going to be for you and your brothers but I need you to trust me. Give me a chance and I won't let you down.'
Sheelagh was unable to keep the smile from her face and was caught in the act by Siobhan. Seeing the pain on her daughter's face, she said carefully, 'I'll let you get your head round and call you in a few days, all right?'
Siobhan nodded then asked, 'Who else knows?'
'Connor,' Sheelagh admitted after exchanging a glance with Sam. 'He's been really supportive.'
'I bet he has,' Siobhan muttered.
After a moment, Sam questioned, 'You know, don't you?'
'He's my brother,' Siobhan answered, shrugging. 'I've known for a year.'
Sheelagh let out her breath. 'And you're okay with it?'
'Of course,' said Siobhan. 'I love him. I love you,' she added, suddenly bolting into her arms. 'I'm sorry, I was just surprised.'
If it wasn't for the fact Sam discreetly pressed a hand to her back, Sheelagh would've probably burst into tears in the middle of the street. As it was, she held it in and managed to pull away with nothing but a smile on her face. She kissed Siobhan's cheek then stepped towards Sam.
'I'll tell Connor he might get a favourable reaction then,' she said. 'He's been scared about telling you.'
'It's not me you've got to worry about,' Siobhan replied, looking between them. 'Seriously, Dad'll go nuts.'
'I know,' Sheelagh said. 'Look, do you want another coffee or –'
'No,' Siobhan interrupted. 'I think you should get back on the road. It's a long drive.'
Maybe it was a dismissal but they'd come so far so quickly that Sheelagh didn't much mind. She drew her daughter into one more hug before the three of them said rather stilted goodbyes and she watched Siobhan submerge herself into the throng of afternoon shoppers.
'Are you okay?' Sam queried finally.
Sheelagh looked over, barely resisting her urge to kiss her. 'I'm fine. Shall we go home?'
The traffic heading back down the A1 was a nightmare.
In a car with anyone else, Sheelagh suspected Sam would've lost her temper a bit. She was like a caged tiger at the best of times but, with all that was going on, she should rightfully have been fuming as they got caught in tailback after tailback. However, Sam was serene, philosophical even, singing along to ABBA under her breath while doing the crossword in the passenger seat. It was a little disconcerting, Sheelagh recognised as she drew to a halt in the middle lane behind a campervan.
'You keep staring at me,' Sam commented eventually without glancing over.
'Sure I do,' she replied.
A blush crept over Sam's cheeks. 'Can I ask why?'
'Do I need a reason?' she shot back.
'In this case, yes,' Sam said, folding up the newspaper and finally looking at her. 'Come on, tell me.'
'You're very calm, that's all,' Sheelagh answered. 'I'm not used to it.'
Sam slipped a hand onto her knee. 'You can't think why?'
Now it was Sheelagh's turn to blush. 'I must admit, I feel calmer myself.'
'Well, I'm doing something right then,' Sam said with a cheeky smile.
'You're not doing badly, DS Nixon,' she returned, chancing a kiss. She gasped as Sam's fingers meandered up her thigh then forced herself to pull away when they dipped elsewhere. The look in Sam's eye was triumphant yet loving, a pretty strange combination in the grand scheme of things.
'You know,' said Sam after a moment, 'I almost wish I hadn't told Connor we'd spend the night at your place.'
Sheelagh checked the clock on the dashboard. 'From what I recall, you said you couldn't fix a time on it.'
Clicking her fingers, Sam replied, 'You're right actually. I remember that.'
'I think we need to get out of this traffic jam,' Sheelagh murmured.
Any response Sam might've had was drowned under the dual noises of the car behind blaring the horn at them and her phone ringing. It was Phil, finally, and Sheelagh kept one ear on the call as she ground the car back into life and began crawling along the motorway. It was a dispiriting conversation from what she could hear, though the jam was easing and more of her attention was required for the road. By the time Sam hung up they were racing along again, Sheelagh pressing for more speed than she might've five minutes earlier.
'Someone's eager to get home,' Sam remarked.
'Would you rather I slowed down?' she retorted. 'Anyway, what did Phil say?'
'The only contact on that email account seems to be Glenn,' answered Sam. 'He's printing off the emails to give to you tomorrow. Or I can collect them.'
Sheelagh glanced at her. 'Do you want to go in tomorrow?'
'Not really,' she said. 'I feel like I need to get my head together, work out where we go next. Going to see Glenn was the right move given the evidence. Following it up was good – it was something we were doing that wasn't handed to us on a plate. It's filled in a bit more of the puzzle and now we need to go back to the drawing board. We were followed to the bar the other night and if it's true that the girl's body that washed up was dead before she hit the water then it's a whole new ball game. We might get news on that in the next few days, we need to get things clear before then.'
'I could talk to Gina,' Sheelagh suggested. 'Maybe I could –'
'No,' Sam interrupted firmly. 'We might need a favour later on, let's not rock the boat now. You keep your ear to the ground for me, talk to Phil about the dead girl and see if anything's cropped up they're not telling us.'
'How would I know if they're not telling us?' queried Sheelagh.
'You're resourceful,' replied Sam. 'I'm sure you'll think of something.'
She chuckled and refocused on the road. It was only another forty minutes home now they were moving again and the tension in the car ratcheted up further with every passing mile. Sheelagh inwardly conceded she was having difficulty concentrating on the road. Her mind was too busy replaying last night – and this morning – and wondering how she'd gone from holding herself in check to wanting Sam naked at every opportunity. Sure, it had been something increasingly on her mind since she'd become aware of her feelings, especially since she'd recognised that her worries about things turning physical were troubling her more than she'd allowed at first.
So she'd thought about it a lot, planned how things would go. In the end, none of that had mattered last night. The second that Sam's fingers had slid into her underwear she'd lost all notion of her plan. The undressing part had happened without her realising it and Sam was splayed naked on the bed beneath her before she'd been fully aware of what they were doing. Every touch and kiss had been magnified by a thousand, all far more potent than she'd experienced before. The thirst hadn't been quenched the first time, nor the second, or the third this morning. Maybe the fourth time was the charm, she thought as she indicated onto Sam's street. Then again, hopefully not.
Switching off the engine, she glanced over. 'You could just grab a change of clothes for tomorrow and we could go.'
'Yeah,' Sam agreed. 'We could.'
Sheelagh didn't say another word, simply unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out of the car. Here she was, leaving the driver's seat of Samantha Nixon's car, walking up her path and using her own key to get inside the house. She even picked up the post on the mat and handed it over to Sam when she followed her inside.
'Anything interesting?' she questioned. When there was no response she turned around and found that Sam's attention was considerably lower than the envelopes in her hand. 'Oi, I asked you a question.'
Sam blinked then looked at them and shook her head. She deposited them on the hall table beside the answering machine before meeting her eye again. Sheelagh let out an involuntary sigh that simply brought a proprietary smirk to Sam's face as she edged closer. If feeling Sam give in to her last night had been one kind of sexy, this was another. She managed to stand her ground until Sam reached her then she swallowed hard and leaned back against the wall for support.
Entranced, she watched Sam's deliberate movements as she tossed her jacket to the floor and closed the gap between them. When their lips met it was fierce and Sheelagh groped for the wall to keep herself upright. She felt Sam's smile then, somehow, her trousers were sliding down her legs.
She pulled her head back an inch. 'Please...'
'I've got you,' Sam whispered into her ear. 'Trust me.'
'If you don't stop smiling like that, Connor's gonna know,' Sheelagh warned.
Sam turned off the engine. 'I really don't think he'll challenge me on it.'
'What will you say if he does?' she asked.
'Well,' Sam replied, resting her shoulder against the seat, 'what I won't tell him is that I've just spent half an hour with my head between your –'
Sheelagh pushed a hand against her mouth. 'Ask a stupid question...'
Kissing her palm, Sam said, 'It'll be fine, sweetheart. If you stop blushing, that is.'
'Oh, that helped,' Sheelagh murmured.
Sam grinned and reached into the back for their bags. Meanwhile, Sheelagh couldn't help but check her face in the visor mirror – she was definitely blushing a little bit and recognising that intensified the sensation. Deliberately ignoring Sam's chuckle, she got out of the car and let the autumnal air rush against her cheeks.
When they stepped inside the hallway there was no smell of dog poo at least. In fact, the whole place smelled rather fragrant and she spotted a plug-in air fresher beside the stairs. It was sweet really; the simplest things told her that Connor had missed her being around more than a young man would dare admit. That impression solidified as he came out of the kitchen with a grin on his face.
'Thank you, both of you,' he said.
'You're welcome,' Sam said promptly then cleared her throat. 'Sorry, reflex response. What for?'
'Siobhan called,' he explained. 'She said that you'd been up there today and what you'd told her. She left it wide open for me to tell her the truth. Turns out she'd known for a while. So thank you,' he repeated. 'It must've been hard.'
Sheelagh shrugged. 'How is she?'
'Better since we talked, I reckon,' he answered. 'She knows it's not something that happened overnight and if she's accepted me then...'
'It's more complicated than that,' Sheelagh replied. 'But I hope we're on the right path.'
'I'd say so,' Connor said.
She smiled and stepped forward to gather him into a hug. 'I don't suppose you cleaned the bathroom, did you?'
Laughing, he pulled away. 'I might've done.'
'Have you eaten?' Sam asked. When he shook his head she continued, 'Fancy a pizza? I'll go, you two can catch up.'
Sheelagh turned around but didn't follow through on her initial impulse to question why Sam suddenly wanted to get out of the house. She understood it completely. In a day where she'd sat listening to Siobhan talking about her life at uni then been forced to defend their relationship's role in Abi's disappearance, this final impression of familial domesticity was something she needed a bit of time to adjust to. Really, Sheelagh was proud of her, not only for getting through the day with such aplomb but also for recognising she needed a break from it.
So she said, 'Get a large pepperoni and, if you're feeling generous, a bag of chips.'
'I don't know about that,' Sam answered. 'I won't be long.'
After watching her go, Sheelagh tucked her arm around Connor's shoulders and led him back to the kitchen. He'd thoughtfully put some wine in the fridge for them and she poured herself a glass before sitting opposite him at the table.
'Is she okay?' he asked anxiously.
'She's missing Abi,' Sheelagh said.
He winced. 'Course, I'm sorry. Did you find anything out up there?'
'Nothing especially concrete,' she answered, 'but we've got a few more leads to follow up. We're doing okay. Now, tell me what Siobhan said. Come on, every word.'
With a smile, he recounted the entire conversation with more accuracy than most people would've managed. He seemed to be experiencing the same burst of happiness as he had when Sheelagh herself had accepted him; as though he had another person on his side and it meant the world to him. Not for the first time, she deeply regretted leaving him suffering for so long alone. She should've seen his pain for what it was, not dismissed it as a reaction to her affair with Des.
'So any more thoughts about telling your dad then?' she asked when he'd finished.
'I don't think I can,' he muttered. 'Not yet. Does that make me a coward?'
'No, love, it doesn't.' She tapped her wine glass. 'Would it help if I played interference with your dad and Declan?'
Shaking his head, Connor replied, 'Siobhan was different. I don't want you putting more pressure on yourselves right now, especially Sam.'
She gazed at him fondly. 'Do you know how proud I am of you?'
'Shut up,' he said, squirming in his seat. 'I've been a right idiot.'
'And I haven't?' she returned. 'It's where you end up that matters, not how you get there. As long as you're feeling happier in yourself, I'm proud of you. It'll be tough,' she continued, 'but there's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. Don't you let anybody say there is.'
Though he grinned, he was spared having to answer by the doorbell ringing. She indicated she'd get it and made a mental note to get Sam a key cut at the next opportunity. When she opened the door to find Sam balancing two boxes and some chips, she hastily relieved her of them then kissed her hello.
'I've only been gone half an hour,' Sam commented.
'Maybe I missed you,' she replied. 'Or maybe I'm hungry. You'll never know which.'
Chuckling, Sam followed her through into the kitchen to find Connor pouring her a glass of wine. 'Oh, cheers, Connor. Tuck in.'
Pizza, garlic bread and chips wasn't exactly the healthy dinner she should be giving her son but she'd let it slide this once. The three of them talked about superficial stuff, not mentioning any painful subjects but feeling like a small family in spite of that. Once he'd finished eating, Connor politely made his escape and left them alone in the kitchen. Sam busied herself with disposing of the rubbish while Sheelagh sipped her wine and watched.
'We don't have to be here, you know,' she said.
Sam slid back into her seat. 'I want to be. He's a good lad.'
'That doesn't mean you're completely okay with it,' Sheelagh answered.
'No,' Sam conceded, 'but I'm mostly okay with it. Can we settle on that?'
She smiled her agreement and drained her glass. 'Are you tired?'
Nodding, Sam replied, 'Must be the exertion of the day.'
Given that Connor was still wandering around the house, Sheelagh thought it best to keep her response to that to herself. She made sure everything was locked up and fifteen minutes later they were both curled up in bed in long nightshirts. Sheelagh wouldn't say her thoughts were entirely decent but she cocooned herself in Sam's arms and satisfied herself with the memory of earlier.
'Are you all right?' Sam questioned softly.
'I think you know the answer to that,' said Sheelagh.
Sam stroked her hair. 'If you've got any doubts, sweetheart, you can tell me. I want you to tell me.'
'No doubts,' she said. 'Fear, sure, but no doubts. I couldn't imagine turning back now.'
'Me neither,' Sam said. 'Guess we're stuck with each other.'
'I'll hold you to that,' Sheelagh murmured as she felt sleep claim her.
Going to work was the last thing she wanted to do the next morning.
She woke up to Sam kissing her neck just before the alarm went off. That allowed them a few delicious minutes to say a proper good morning then she was forced to leave the warmth of the bed to get ready for work while Sam disappeared off to make them both coffee and eggs. When Sheelagh made it down to the kitchen she was pleasantly surprised to find Connor down there too in serious conversation with Sam about rabbits of all things.
'What universe have I walked into?' Sheelagh queried as she sat down.
'Are we not allowed to talk?' Connor shot back.
'Not randomly about rabbits, no,' she answered.
Sam smiled and pushed a cup of coffee into her hands. 'I was telling him about Abi's pets, that's all.'
'You got her a rabbit?' asked Sheelagh incredulously.
'No, Caroline got her a rabbit. I'm the idiot who left the cage open,' Sam said.
'She claims accidentally,' Connor supplied and Sheelagh glanced back to her girlfriend.
Clearing her throat, Sam replied, 'Look, it was an evil rabbit, okay? It did not like me.'
'I can't think why,' Sheelagh said. 'What was its name?'
When Sam neglected to answer Connor said, 'Fluffy.'
Sheelagh burst out laughing. 'You hated a poor little defenceless rabbit called Fluffy.'
'Eat your breakfast,' Sam insisted then she shot Connor a warning look. 'And you can button it as well.'
He saluted. 'Yes, ma'am.'
Breakfast was over far too quickly and Sheelagh checked her watch regretfully to find she had to go. She made sure she had everything then returned briefly to the kitchen. Sam had risen to meet her.
'I'm gonna give Connor a lift to work on my way home,' she explained. 'I'll see you there later?'
'Sure,' Sheelagh answered. 'I'll get the emails from Phil and bring them round.'
With a sidelong glance at Connor, Sam pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. 'Have a good day.'
She just smiled at them both then turned to leave. She couldn't repress her snicker when she heard Connor murmur, 'Very smooth, Sam. Very smooth.'
'Oi, do you want this lift or not?' Sam retorted.
As Sheelagh reached the front door, she had to laugh out loud. Things may not be working out how she'd expected them to but, somehow, things never did. She was only grateful that Sam and Connor had reached an understanding. If Siobhan was on the right path and they could bring Abi home... Well, one step at a time but they'd definitely made a start.
There was some kerfuffle over Kerry Young when she got into the station but Sheelagh paid relatively little attention. Something was always happening to someone in Sun Hill and, quite frankly, Sheelagh had enough to worry about on Sam's account. So she bypassed all the gossip and made a beeline for CID to collect the emails from Phil. From his smirk, she suspected he knew exactly what had happened between her and Sam in Cumbria but he was too much of a gentleman to mention it and let her go without a misplaced word. Maybe she looked different, Sheelagh conceded as she returned to her post assisting June in custody. She certainly felt different.
The morning wore on a little painfully with June as company. Gina popped down for a quick catch-up about the lack of progress on the investigation into Abi's disappearance but, other than that, it was a routine morning. Sheelagh completed her work diligently enough but her mind was elsewhere. It was only after refs that June's intensely curious looks began to grate on her and she would've drawn attention to it if it hadn't been for the panicked footsteps of Phil Hunter pounding along the corridor. Both she and June looked up with matching expressions of anxiety.
'What is it?' Sheelagh questioned, praying this wasn't about Abi.
'Kerry Young's been shot out front,' Phil explained. 'The station's in lockdown, everyone needs to stay away from the front of the building – Super's orders. SO19 are on their way, looking like the serial sniper. Stay safe, yeah?' he concluded before spinning on his heel and returning back along the corridor.
June removed her glasses, fear swirling in her eyes. 'I don't know where Jim is.'
'Go,' Sheelagh said instantly. 'I can hold the fort.'
Hesitating, June asked, 'What about Sam?'
'Not in today, thank God,' replied Sheelagh. 'Now, go.'
She watched June to the double doors then withdrew her mobile from her pocket. Her fingers were trembling as she scrolled through her recent contacts list and found the correct name. Even then, she almost talked herself out of it but she needed to hear her voice. Besides which, if Samantha Nixon heard this from someone else she'd be on her way into work straight away. That thought terrified Sheelagh so she hit the call button and raised the phone to her ear.
'Hey,' Sam said when she answered, 'everything okay?'
To her dismay, she couldn't force the words out. 'Erm...'
'Sheelagh?' Sam prompted. 'What's wrong? Tell me what's wrong.'
'The station's on lockdown,' she managed after a moment, her voice taut. 'PC Young's been shot out the front, maybe by the serial sniper, that's all I know. But I needed to hear your voice.'
'Are you okay?' asked Sam urgently.
'I'm fine, I'm fine,' she replied. 'But you need to stay put for me, all right? Call Connor, let him know I'm safe then stay at home.'
'No, Sheelagh, I can't just –'
'You stay put,' she repeated. 'I need you safe, do you hear? If this was the other way round...'
Sam let out an audible sigh. 'You win.'
'I always win,' she said, closing her eyes to better imagine the look on Sam's face. 'I'll keep in touch, I promise. I love you.'
'I love you too,' Sam said.
That conversation gave Sheelagh the strength to carry on as normal through the next half hour or so. June returned with red eyes to report that Kerry had been removed to hospital only after S019 had secured the area. Smithy had gone with her in the ambulance but was incredulous that the Super had waited so long to call in aid. Sheelagh could see the wisdom of it but, given her disinterested observations of Smithy's feelings in recent months, she was fairly certain that he was reacting as she would if help was held back from Sam. Apparently a rape allegation in the spring had only served to prove to Smithy that his feelings for Kerry were more than platonic and Sheelagh couldn't imagine how he was feeling now.
A sombre Jim brought the news down to custody that Kerry had been pronounced dead shortly after her arrival at hospital. June's reaction to that was to bury herself in her husband's arms and Sheelagh had to swallow down her own pain. She might not have been very close to Kerry but her death hit her like Matt's had so long ago. This time it was tinged with fresh fear. Sam's words about their job being a dangerous one after the bomb blast may have been a deliberate attempt to talk herself out of pursuing a relationship but they weren't completely off the mark. Sheelagh was faced with the prospect of losing Sam to something like this and it terrified her. She couldn't wait to get back to her house and see her.
Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple. Despite Sun Hill essentially being closed until MIT had finished preliminaries out the front, all officers still had to give a statement. Sheelagh's input was minimal given that she'd been in custody all day but she was still asked a lot of wide-ranging questions about Kerry's life and work, especially her connection with the Radford family. She had to admit she knew nothing about any of that – the last she'd heard Kerry had been vetoed for working undercover with the Radfords and her attention since had been on Sam and Abi. It looked like Kerry had been getting herself in hot water and Sheelagh hadn't known a thing about it. Whether the Radfords were involved in her death or whether it was an acceleration of the serial sniper MIT were already investigated wasn't something they divulged but, really, it didn't matter. A young woman was still dead, murdered on the steps of the station.
When she was finally allowed to leave the nick Sheelagh's feet barely touched the ground. She was conscious of traffic in so much as it got in her way but she didn't notice much until she pulled up on Sam's street. She parked lopsidedly against the kerb and fumbled with her key to try and get in the house without having to knock. Despite her best efforts, she couldn't get a grip of the keys and the door flew open as she dropped them onto the path.
Looking up, she found Sam's green eyes latched onto her. She scooped up the keys then straightened up and took the hand offered to her. Sam pulled her into the house before pushing the door closed and dragging her into a hug. Sheelagh felt the air sucked from her lungs as she clung on tight.
'It's okay,' Sam soothed. 'We're fine, sweetheart, we're fine.'
She drew back and looked deep into Sam's eyes, trying to memorise every millimetre. Resting her hand on her cheek, she leaned in purposefully and captured her lips in a painfully sweet kiss. She tasted Sam's tears then tossed her bag to the floor and searched for entry into Sam's trousers. It might be inappropriate but it was what she wanted right now and, from the way Sam groaned into her mouth, she suspected it was what they both needed.