Title: Unfaithful 2/3
Author: Archangel
Pairing: RuFuji, RuSen
Genre: Romance, Slight Angst, Happy RuSen ending
Archive: Spellbound, FF.net, Zero Hour
Rating: PG
Type: Multi-chapter fiction

Summary: What is a man to do when he finds out he had no more love to give? What is a man to do when he finds someone who he desperately falls in love with? What is a man who ties himself up with another loses his love and met another left to do? It all lies in being unfaithful...

A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed my fic. This is the second installment to the trilogy! Please do review! Thanks!

Dedications: Especially dedicated to my guy best-buddie, Fall-chan, Ren-chan, Cheeky, Dig, Chache-chan, Kim-chan, Steff-chan, Reeza-chan, Mizu-chan, Aki-chan, Kit-chan, Kae, Delusional Lady, Taiyou-chan, everyone!!! Most especially to my long lost AKML buddie, Feng-chan! Hope you're a-ok!

At the end of Unfaithful part I…

Kenji was true to his word. He took a long leave to be with me.

He did his best to keep me.

But why?

Why am I like this?

4:11 AM, says the clock…I look at his gracefully naked form, and I wonder…

Do I still love you? Do I still love you, Kenji?

Yet the answer was clear…I find no spark at all…

And now I ask, Akira…why do I love you?

In my current state, why do I allow myself to love another? Why did I let myself love you?

And loving you, Sendoh Akira…is my biggest problem.

Because…I don't think I love Kenji anymore.

Unfaithful 2/3
by Archangel

Sendoh's POV

They said a man is brave enough if he learns to let go.
They said that a man is truly a man if he knows how to set free.
They said it's easy for a man to find another.
They said this and they said that…but do they really know?

They said so much but never will they understand why a man like me would be this powerless, refusing to learn to let go.
They said so much but do they understand why I refuse to know how to set free?
They said so much but they just merely said them.
And never will they truly understand why it's not easy for a man like me to find another.

1876…1877…1878. Here you go, this is Rukawa's house.

This delicate creature in my arms…so precious to me.

"Rukawa-kun. We're in front of your house now. Do you have your house keys?"

Sleeping so peacefully. Tranquil deep inside.

"Rukawa-kun. Wake up just a minute."

Every second. Every minute. Every breathing air.

"I love you. That's my problem."

Every touch. Every breath. Every heartbeat.

"Stop that now, we're home. Wake up just a minute, Rukawa."

Every stare. Every gaze. Every blurring mind.

"Sendoh, I want to puke."

Damn, Rukawa.

"Wha…where? Wait!"

You're torturing me…

"Damn, Rukawa."

Sweetly. Very sweetly.

"Ch. Whatever."

Because in every second…

"After all that this is what you're gonna say? Damn."

In every minute…

"Duh. Get lost."

I go gasping for more breathing air.

"Ch. Give me your keys. I'm bringing you inside."

In every touch…

"I can walk inside by myself, don't mind me."

In every breath…

"Fine. I'll just open the door for you. Keys?"

Causes a skip in my heartbeat…

"I don't have them."

In every stare…

"Wha-? How do we get in now?"

In every gaze…

"Knock."

My mind is in a haze…

"Right…"

And all I could think of is how much I love you.

"Kaede?"

Fujima…Kenji?

And just like that…my mind goes blank.

"Sendoh-kun…what happened to Kaede?"

And they said it's easy for a man to find another.

***

"Sendoh-kun, I couldn't thank you enough for bringing Kaede home."

"No…no problem." Why do I stutter? This is so unlike me. "I…I should be apologizing for bringing him home drunk…like this." Damn, Sendoh Akira, why do you stutter now?

"It's not your fault, Akira. It's Akira, right?" Darn it. Why is he so all-knowing? Why does he have to gain access into this apartment? Why the hell is Fujima Kenji here?!

"Yeah. Kenji, right?" Yeah…'Kenji, right?' crap. Should I be feeling all-knowing too? Competing against this man who knows too many names. Damn.

"Yeah. Here's a shirt." A well-ironed yellow shirt. The color of jealousy[1]. Perfect. Very perfect. "The bathroom is down the corner."

"Thanks." Damn.

"Akira?" What now, Kenji?

"I'll be just upstairs if you need me. Make yourself at home." Upstairs, huh? Knowing this place too well.

"Thanks." Right. Make myself at home…a home where I should've been living a long time ago.

***

And now I wonder, why? Why is he here? He's not supposed to be here, right? What is Fujima Kenji doing here?

The look on his face. Why does he care so much if Kaede comes home or not?

Damn Kenji. Am I not the one who's supposed to take care of Kaede?

"I love you. That's my problem."

Well, Kenji is my problem, Kaede. Would it be okay if I ask him to leave and I'll do the rest?

Damn. Do I look like a squealing school girl or what?

Damn. I'm blushing like shit.

***

Fujima-san, I think it's late. Do you need help with those? You can leave them to me if you need to go home or something. Kaede will do just fine.

Perfect. Not too pushy, not too obvious. A humble request. Not too apparent that I want him out of here and not to evident that I want to take care of Kaede myself. Just perfect. Now, where's that room?

A single room at the farthest end. "That's probably it."

I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, "Fujima-san, I - "

I opened my eyes to the most unforgettable scene that broke my heart into a million of pieces.

"Yes?"

Why are you…why do you…embrace Rukawa like that?

"I…I'm sorry, Sendoh-kun. I didn't notice you were here. Is something the matter?"

Such intimacy. So much care.

Why do you do that, Kenji?

A picture frame…by the side of the bed.

Who are you in Kaede's life?

Their picture…together.

Such intimacy. So much care and…love.

Why didn't you tell me…Kaede?

"I…I guess I should leave."

And just like that, my mind goes blank.

"I mean, I need to go home and I don't know if I parked my car well enough outside. I guess I should…go home."

I stutter…once more.

"I love you. That's my problem." What was all that for then?

"Oh, okay. I'll be opening the door for - "

"No, no. It's okay. It's straight ahead right? I can make do, don't worry. Thanks a lot."

Damn. Why Kaede?

"Uhm…about the shirt," Tears…almost. All wanting to rush down my tortured eyes. "I'll be returning it maybe tomorrow?"

Tears…almost.

"Anytime. Kaede and you are…" Are what, Kenji?

Friends.

Plainly platonic.

Only platonic.

"I bet you guys meet frequently so I guess there's no problem about that. It's okay."

Tears…almost. All wanting to spill out of my sad eyes.

"Okay then…I'd better get going. Thank you for the shirt and all."

Is this all I could do? Is this all you can do, Sendoh Akira?

"Yeah. Thanks for bringing Kaede home…for me." For me? Right…for you, Kenji. For you and yours alone.

Tears…almost. All wanting to pour out of my cheerless orbs.

"Right. Ja ne!" I smiled…again.

Tears…almost.

Hurt…definitely.

Smile…always.

What was all that for then, Rukawa Kaede?

***

They said a man ought to learn to let go.
They said a man ought to know how to set free.
They said a man ought to know when to stop and when to go.
I said it's time to be a man and it's time to move on.

But is this all too easy?
Is this something I could just carry on to my sleep…wake up the next morning and find myself fairly okay to move on?
Is this something I could swallow so easily…wait until the end of the day to consume another mouthful?
Not with you, Rukawa Kaede.
It's not that easy with you.

But what can I do? You already made your choice.

And you chose Fujima.

"You chose who?"

"What?"

"Who chose who? You were just saying it." Damn. God, did I speak it out so loud?

I am having my regular lunch break at the café with Hiro and am I not so stupid to just blurt out my mind…

"Uh. Nothing. Forget about it." /Go ahead and conceal yourself, Akira. The easiest way is to escape, isn't it?/ I said to myself.

But isn't it that hiding something drives more unwanted attention? Damn.

But Hiro is Hiro. He's not the type to give up. "Com'on, Akira. Spill it out. You look like a mop since early morning, you stare at some lifeless thing as if it was so amusing, you rarely talked and you have barely eaten your lunch. What the hell is the problem with you anyway?"

That. Fucking. Hurts. "I said forget about it, okay?"

"I won't and you know me." Yeah, I know…but is this the right time to talk about this?

And I figured, no it's not. I couldn't establish a focused mindset for Christ's sake, how am I suppose to converse about things like this?

And so, "I'm out of here." I replied.

But then again, Hiro is not Hiro if he's not like this…too pushy, a hotheaded freak named Koshino Hiroaki. "This is not the Sendoh Akira I know. The world must be ending, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, lesbians and - "

Oh God…all that in a public café…

"Stop it, Hiro. I'm. Out. Of. Here." I turned to walk away but then Hiro called out, "Hey!"

"What?!"

"I'll stop pushing you into this 'spill-it-out thing' but just in case you forgot with your incredible mind in planet X and all, I'm right next to your office if you want to talk about it. You do know that, right?" And indeed this is the Hiro I know. My one best friend.

"Yeah, you can be my punching bag, right?"

"Minus that and I can't be your Sendoh Junior too. I've had enough of the insults with what you did with my hair back in high school." I chucked at the thought. Back in our Ryonan days, I made him my Sendoh Junior and did his hair like mine…it was because I got a little frustrated on not being able to get into the National Tournament. And it must have freaked him out. "I'm just sitting at my cursed chair as before, computing profits and signing papers…you can bug me anytime."

"Yeah. Maybe."

And maybe it is.

***

"I love you. That's my problem."

Did you really mean that, Kaede?

You said it many times, you must have meant it, right?

But how come you had Fujima?

I know I'm a little ignorant when it comes to love but damn I'm not that stupid not to know the look on Fujima's face when I brought you home.

I know I'm a little blind in getting the smallest hints on people's jokes and sarcasms but damn…I'm not that blind not to see what you are to Fujima. I'm not that blind not to have seen that happy photo by your bed. I'm not that blind not to see that Fujima embraced you so tightly as if he was loosing you.

I'm not that blind, Kaede.

I'm not blind enough not to see who Fujima is to you.

But why? Why did you say you love me?

How come you had the courage to say those words when you have Fujima in your arms? Are you just tripping on me? Or did you see your Kenji on me?

Why, Kaede?

Why?

And the question still haunts me. Do you really love me, Rukawa? Do really feel that way for me?

And deep inside I wished for it, because you're in my heart threaded deeply.

And deep inside I longed for it, because I need you near me.

But I know this isn't right, because you have somebody.

Damn.

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

And just like that my mind goes into oblivion. I care not to answer the phone.

It might be Rukawa.

***

The following day, I buried myself in work. Papers, documents, charts, presentations…everything just so I can take my mind off Rukawa Kaede.

But then is that all too easy? Every paper I look at, every document, every chart, every presentation…I see his beautiful face reflected in that piece of paper. I see his face in every man inside that conference room. I see Rukawa Kaede by my door. I see Rukawa by my window.

I see him everywhere.

And I say damn.

Hiro said I must be in-love.

I said, yeah, maybe… All that crap. But hell, I know in my heart that I deny myself the fact that it's true, I have definitely…absolutely fallen in love with Rukawa Kaede.

And again, I say damn, should I really be going through all this?

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

*Beeeep*

"Sendoh-san, there's a call for you on line 1. He says his name is Rukawa Kaede. Will you take the call, sir?"

Rukawa…Kaede?

Silence.

Why do you have to call?

"Sir? Will you take Rukawa Kaede's call on line 1?"

Are you going to tell me you thought I was Kenji?

Are you going to ask me if I'm okay?

I'm fine, Kaede. I guess there's no need to explain. "No." I said. "Tell him…tell him that I'm out with a client."

Damn.

"Yes, sir. I will - "

" - and, don't bother to get his message."

"I won't, sir."

"Thank you." All that crap.

And I guess I need not hear his explanations. I might not know why and how or what triggered him to do so but I really need not know, right?

Because it hurts. The fact that you said all that, if you might even remember them all simply hurts.

And I do not have to hurt myself anymore.

And so I packed up to take a walk.

***

The air caresses my face, the light of the sun glowing in my eyes. It was a sight to behold…just like Rukawa.

I sat by the boardwalk and watched the waves as they crash upon the rocks. I hear the wind, deafening in my ears. There was no silence…just like my heart.

And I wondered, what could you have said if I answered your call?

What are you going to tell me? What the hell are you doing to me?

I have to admit, I had been a coward for escaping the truth that will tear every piece of my soul. I wasn't brave enough to face you nor to face myself. But could you blame me, Kaede? If I'm weak like this because I admitted to myself that I love you just when you told me you love me too. Is this all too easy to bear for you? Because it isn't to me.

"Wow! This is such a nice place! Thank you for bringing me here, I'm so happy." The voice of a joyous woman called my senses.

Two lovers. They look so happy. "You are?" asked the man.

"Yes of course! I've never seen anything like this before!"

I did not intend to eavesdrop, but then looking at the eyes of the woman…such happiness. The glimmer in her eyes were like those of Fujima when he held Kaede close to him.

Such happiness…that I'm not experiencing now.

But what is happiness anyway? Isn't it not the feeling you have when you're contented or when you get something you like?

Does it have to be something so deep? Does it always have to be in you? Does it always have to be something that you have in your hands?

I figured, no it doesn't have to be.

I looked at the serene horizon, followed the contour of the clouds with my own eyes…I again drifted my thoughts into oblivion. Is Kaede's happiness with Kenji enough for me?

If you are happy with Kenji, Kaede, then so be it. I wouldn't put up a fight if it would only hurt you.

And so the sun set down.

And if you are happy with Kenji, Kaede, then I'd tell myself that I'm happy for you too.

***

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

*Beeeep*

"Sendoh-san, there's a man here at the lobby looking for you. He would not like to disclose his name but he insists that it's something important. What would you like us to do, sir?" asked the panicked receptionist.

Today is another day in work. And though it's just half a day before New Year comes, I strangle myself with work…again, just so I can take my mind of Rukawa Kaede.

"Can you give me a description of the man?" I asked.

But no matter how much I pretend to be blind and take out all my senses…there's no way I can stop him from coming…

"He's a tall guy, uhm white complexion, black hair, slender and - "

No matter how hard I try to block these emotions…I still feel pain.

"- Okay, just tell that person that I'm on an important case presentation and I would not be disturbed. If he asks you when to come back, you don't know anything."

I still feel pain.

"Is there anything more I should tell this person, sir?"

Are you happy, Kaede?

"Nothing more. Just be…gentle."

Because I'll be happy for you if you are.

I'll try to be happy if you are.

And I know that once I get that one happy day, I don't care if you're with me or with anybody…it's easy to get along with the feeling.

It's just a matter of conditioning, right?

It's just like bathing on warm water that when you plunge at it, it's hot but then all of a sudden it's not so warm anymore.

It's just like that.

And so I got up from my chair and headed for the bathroom. I needed to lock myself in.

I washed my face and looked upon my reflection. And in there I saw a man who was not me.

And maybe Hiro was right, I looked like a mop. I looked so distressed that I hardly recognized myself.

Because this is not Sendoh Akira. The man of many smiles. The man who had the cheerful face and who said the bouncy words.

The man in the mirror is a hurting man. A lonely man, a desperate man that I have become.

All because I wanted to be happy for Kaede.

All because I thought this was happiness…to sacrifice my feelings. To bear the pain of not having him near me.

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

My cellphone. I looked at it blankly, stared at the blinking object where I can see his flashing name. My Kaede.

And so I thought.

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

I ask myself, is this what you call happiness?

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

Is this what truly makes you happy?

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

Is this what you have become?

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

Is this what you should be?

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

Is this happiness for Kaede?

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

Are you happy?

"No…I'm not." I said. I picked up my phone, "Kaede? I - "

I was too late.

***

And tonight, as I lay down in my bed I wonder what makes you happy, Rukawa Kaede?

After all this heartache. After all this pain. I never gave you a chance to tell me what it is.

Because I was scared. I feared pain, but I still felt it…nothing's changed. So what difference would it make if I hear you out now?

I'm so foolish, am I? I never gave you an opportunity to speak your heart out so I could know right ahead, should I forget you or not? Should I leave it all this way? Should I allow myself to lurk into this darkness and feel the torture you're unconsciously giving me?

After all this time, it's only now that I felt the urge to know. Why didn't I let myself take the risk of knowing such a long time ago?

Damn.

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring* *Ring*

I called you.

*Ring* *Ring*

*Ring - *

"Hello?" Fujima…Kenji.

"Hello? Hello?"

Silence.

Such happiness in his voice.

Such contentment.

Such love.

Silence.

"Hello?"

I put down the phone…along with my broken heart.

Along with my shattered dreams.

Things can never be how I wanted them to be.

Goodbye, Kaede.

TBC

[December 31, 2003 ^ 2:43 AM]

Postfic Notes: Please review! One last chapter to go!

[1] Yellow is Jealousy? I'm not sure but I remember someone told me yellow is jealousy. Can someone correct me if I'm wrong?