Author's note: So…this is going to probably be an absolute disaster. But, for some reason, you guys keep voting for this, so here I am (by the way, did you know you can vote for my next fanfic over on my profile? Because you can do that, and no matter how unprepared I am for that fic, I have to write it). Anyway, Cards Against Yu-Gi-Oh…I have no idea if this is even going to work. But, you people want more Cards Against Humanity fics, and haven't been suggesting other potential characters for a CAH fic, so I need to do this. Anyway, due to the nature of the game, I'm going to be using celebrities…kinda. In order to prevent me from being kicked from FFN, the celebrities used are holograms created by Kaiba to resemble them, not the celebrities themselves. Therefore, I'm not technically breaking the rules. Speaking of the cards, they will be mostly randomly chosen, though there are a few I've handpicked for special occasions. If you have any you'd like to see used, let me know. Well anyway, the only way out is through, so let's see how this goes…
"Here he is boss," said one of the hired goons, shoving the small boy to the ground. "Do you need us for anything else?"
"No, that will be all," said Seto Kaiba, still looking out the window.
"As you wish, sir," said the goon, backing out of the room with his partner.
"What do you want Kaiba?" asked Yugi, picking himself up off the floor. "You know if you wanted me to beat you at Duel Monsters, you could have just asked? There's no need to drag me here via your goons."
"Yes, I'm aware that if I wanted to bring you here to beat you at Duel Monsters that all I had to do is ask," said Kaiba. "The goons were to make sure you knew who was in charge here."
"Right…" said Yugi, taking a seat at a table in the middle of the room. "Well, look, if you want to play, you'll need them to take me home so I can get my deck, otherwise I can't…"
"Not to worry, Moto," said Kaiba. "You won't be needing your deck here. I'll be the one providing the cards."
"Oh, so you're going to give me a bunch of really weak cards so you can use a bunch of really strong cards?" asked Yugi. "I can work with that. It'll be more embarrassing for you when I win that way."
"We're not playing Duel Monsters," said Kaiba. "Not really, at least."
"Huh?" asked Yugi, confused. "So, what? We're playing Dungeon Dice Monsters then? Okay, I guess I can…"
"Not that either," said Kaiba, picking up a black box from his desk. "How familiar are you with this?" He placed the box in front of Yugi.
"Cards Against Humanity?" asked Yugi. "Yeah, we sell it at grandpa's shop. It's meant to be super offensive and…"
"Excellent, so you know it," said Kaiba, sitting down at the table with Yugi. "That's what we'll be play testing today."
"Say what?" asked Yugi. "But you need at least three players to play that."
"Don't you remember me saying we're sort of playing Duel Monsters?" asked Kaiba.
"That's not how this game works," said Yugi.
"Poor, simple Yugi," mocked Kaiba. "You should know by now that I can make anything work however I want."
"Of course you can," muttered Yugi. "But how would you make this work like Duel Monsters?"
"Simple," said Kaiba, opening the box. "The black cards mostly act as trap cards, while the white cards can act as monster, trap, or spell cards, depending on the text. The decision lies with the player. Because of the way the game works, this version of the game is trap card heavy. Basically, if you play any card that sets off one of my traps, you lose life points. That said, you can intentionally set off one of your own traps to attack my life points too."
"Uh…huh…" said Yugi, starting to get a grasp on the rules. "And do the original publishers of Cards Against Humanity know you're using their game this way?"
"I'm sure I can buy them off," said Kaiba with a handwave.
"In that case, I assume the people and things referenced on the cards haven't been informed of this either then," said Yugi.
"Of course they haven't," said Kaiba. "It would take me weeks to get in contact with all those people, and that's just the ones that can be contacted. I mean, what do you expect me to do for someone like Harold Holt?"
"This seems like a huge breach of copyright," said Yugi.
"Which is why I'm labelling this as a prototype to see if the concept works," said Kaiba. "I'm not currently making money off it, but if it works like I hope it does, I can buy off all the people and companies as needed."
"I'm not sure Applebees are going to like the implications associated with their card," said Yugi.
"Then Kaiba Corp will buy them out and make them like it," said Kaiba. "Come on Yugi, it's not like you to turn down playing a card game."
"I'm not turning down the offer," said Yugi. "It's just that I don't think you've thought this whole game concept through."
"Again, this match is just the proof of concept," said Kaiba. "We may have to make some rules up as we go along."
"So, you haven't even figured out all the rules to this?" asked Yugi. "Oh, this is going to go great, isn't it?"
"Is that sarcasm, Yugi?" demanded Kaiba.
"Of course it's not," said Yugi sarcastically. "I mean, why would a game with improvised rules ever be a bad idea to play against the guy who has made it his life's goal to beat me at Duel Monsters?"
"You're implying I'd cheat just to win," said Kaiba coldly. "Yugi, I promise you, if you make up a rule that seems fair and reasonable, I will abide by it."
"Of course you will," muttered Yugi.
"As long as you also agree to abide by any rules I come up with," said Kaiba.
"See, that's the thing," said Yugi. "How do I know you won't just immediately draw a card and say 'this one wins'?"
"Because that will be the first rule," said Kaiba. "No plays that give an instant win or make winning difficult for the other player. At least, not without some kind of appropriate set-up, like with Exodia."
"Hmm…" said Yugi, considering Kaiba's words. For once, he seemed genuinely interested in having a good, clean match. He was even willing to let Yugi make some rules up. It was getting harder and harder to distrust whatever he was up to, though Yugi was sure he still had something planned. "Okay," he said. "But I start thinking this is just a ploy so that you can beat me at something for once, I'm outta here."
"Of course," said Kaiba, drawing cards from the pile. "Door's right there if you wish to leave."
"Yugi, are you sure about this?" asked a voice inside Yugi's head. "This is Kaiba we're talking about, after all."
"Don't worry Pharoah," said Yugi, drawing cards for his hand. "I think he's being honest for once."
"Well, okay," said the Pharoah. "But feel free to call me if you get in trouble."
"Will do," said Yugi, looking through his cards.
"Okay, so we both have two black cards and five white ones?" asked Kaiba. "Excellent. I'll set our lifepoints at 8,000 each. Shall we begin then?"
"Okay," said Yugi. "I'll let you go first, seeing as how you came up with this idea. Let me see how it's done."
"Okay then," said Kaiba, looking through his cards. "Well, I'll play this black card face down, and summon this white one in defence mode: Jennifer Lawrence." Above the card, a hologram flickered to life, in the form of a young woman with blue skin and a bow in her hand. "Due to her movies, she is an expert at blending in and archery, which gives her the ability to sneak up on enemies, or kill from a distance."
"Fair enough," said Yugi, searching through his hand. "So, is that your turn, or…?"
"For now, yes," said Kaiba smugly. "Go ahead Yugi, show me what you've got."
"Well, for starters, I'm laying my own trap," said Yugi, placing a black card facedown. "Hopefully I won't need it, but we'll see. Next, I…actually, I'm going to lay a second trap." This time, Yugi placed a white card facedown. "I don't really have anything I want to do right now, so…I guess I end my turn." Yugi figured his black trap would do extra damage, since it required two cards to activate, while his white trap should be good for stalling.
"If you're sure," said Kaiba. "Now, we can begin the fight."