May 7, Thursday

YES! Have managed to secure my way into Remus Lupin's trousers through ingenuity, cunning, and a stroke of luck due to my obsessive anality (ironically enough).

Had sat through an uneventful DADA, evidently too preoccupied with organizing notes for upcoming NEWTS with color coded stickies and thoroughly indexed outlines, only to find my attention wander up a pair of familiar shaggy robes and up to a smiling Professor Lupin. Looked around empty classroom, quite confused. Had he suddenly realized that he shared the same feelings I had been harboring since third year? Was he going to sweep me off my feet, clear off his desk and shag me senseless as he declared his undying love?

"So you're the only volunteer, it looks like. The rest of the lot cleared out faster than you can Quidditch." He says with as he sits on my desk.

Not sure what I was getting myself into, but eager nonetheless, I responded with an enthusiastic nod of the head.

"Good, see you tomorrow night then. Be here around 8 o'clock."

Should have said something witty, something that implied intrigue and mystery as if I had a date with some nameless dashing male, but couldn't speak due to rioting butterflies attempting to fly their way out of stomach through whatever means necessary. Instead, simply nodded and left.

May 8, Friday

Missed dinner, due to time limitations: a girl needs time to prepare. Went through my daily beauty routine, which consisted of a simple hop in the shower and a drying charm on hair only to find that a mere ten minutes had passed. Somehow felt that this wasn't enough considering I was having my first date. Found self imagining Professor (note to self: must attempt to refer to future love of life by first name, at least) and I sitting comfortably on a bear skin rug against the fire, him holding me softly and protecting me from the howls of wolves outside as we will most certainly be living in pristine forest area complete with happily singing birds and beautiful sunsets. Hmm. Scratch that. Wolves Remus bad idea? Would he feel some kind of comrade with them? Certainly wouldn't want to have congratulatory dinner party celebrating first anniversary and have ten wolves show up. That would most definitely make an awkward situation, as I wouldn't know who to sit them by. Ron, although, with any amount of alcohol in him, would hit on anything, two or four legs.

Anywho, must get back to matter at hand. Spend fifteen minutes trying to open wards concealing collection of tasteless (but useful) books swiped from silly third years or bought with flushed cheeks on Hogsmeade weekends only to realize that have managed to over complicated things and should remind self to jot down cheat sheet of wards. Rummaged through things, only to find that the seduction how-to guides simply assumed that I knew how to become "unbelievably vixen like" before they continued ranting. Taking deep breath, I realized what I had to do.

"Pssssstt" I hissed into the common room where Lavender sat idly twirling her hair and starring into space. Almost felt badly disturbing her, as I know that ignorance most certainly is bliss. She looked around, somewhat confused before tiptoeing over to where I had stuck my head into the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Oh" she said with a great sigh of relief, "It's you."
Looked at her strangely for a minute before continuing, "I need you" I said pointing at her, "To make me" Upon which I pointed to myself, "Look like this." I said finally, jabbing my finger into the front cover of a magazine featuring a glamorous looking witch.

Lavender looked at me strangely, retracing my steps until she caught on. "So you want me to make you look like," she paused, with a horrified look, "that?"

"Yes! Exactly!" I hissed. "Can you help?"

She shook her head and took slow steps backwards as if I had just turned into some frightful looking creature declaring parental rights and demanding visitation every other weekend.

"I'm going to need some help." She said finally.

Nodded reluctantly and retreated back to my dorm while she rounded up a small army of giggling seventeen and eighteen year old girls.

"Is this really necessary?" I asked when I had opened my door to find not only Lavender and Parvati, but Natalie MacDonald, Lisa Turpin and Jennifer Dunwill squirming their way into my dorm, all armed with wands and turning their index fingers and thumbs into tongs as to insure their safety as they examined particular items from my habitat more closely.

Within minutes Parvati Patil had turned herself into beauty queen drill instructor. One girl sighed and grunted as she battled with hair as she had situated herself above toilet in order to grasp hair appropriately. Another dutifully worked on nails, hissing between clenched teeth about uncared for cuticles, while Lavender had sentenced herself to going through my wardrobe, sighing dramatically as she happened upon drawer full of knickers (all of which resembled large parachutes, none of those silly little floss like things for me). Meanwhile, I was flinching as Parvati viciously plucked hairs from my eyebrow one by one. Had the guts to ask why she didn't just charm them away and she responded with an evil grin that would make Snape walk away with his tail between his legs. Have feeling it has something to due with fact that I had gotten her in trouble for snogging Roger Davies few weeks back. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Parvati Patil is a sadistic woman.

Two hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds later, found self in front of full length mirror comparing self to original cover of Witch's Weekly. Okay Granger, look at the bright side. There were some similarities. Both of us had band aid sized skirts, only two buttons on a blouse that originally had twelve, hair reminiscent of a piece of wood: flat and stiff. Looked to Lavender and Parvati for some sort of reassurance whereupon, Parvati triumphantly announced that I was her masterpiece and the rest of the group simultaneously chirped with compliments all directed to Parvati for her fabulous work as if I weren't even there.

"I look like a prostitute." I said resolutely, beginning to button up my blouse. There was a hush among the crowd as if I had just accused the Pope of turning tricks on the side. Parvati pushed the other girls out of the way until her face was half an inch away from mine.

"You're my work, you look beautiful. Do you hear me?" Was becoming slightly afraid, "Beau-tee-full." She mouthed, pushing her nail into my chest with each syllable as to insure I got the point. Nodded obediently.
"It's almost 8, get out of here!"

Once again, obediently followed orders and rushed down to the DADA classroom, ignoring stares from other students in the corridor, trying to convince self they were just jealous but was becoming increasingly aware of partial nudity. Could have stuck small post it on each nipple, a band aid on bum and would have been more clothed than this.

Outside the door of the DADA classroom, took two deep breaths. Decided two wasn't enough and took seventeen instead. Inside, Professor Lupin was studiously scribbling with his quill. Thought to self, this is my chance, and turned around to quickly rearrange cleavage as to somehow create illusion that it is three times original size before turning back around. Attempted to take a leaf from Ginny's book and swing my hips, seems seductive but innocent enough, yet when I tried, I somehow looked like I was attempting to shove my way through a crowd and cause serious injury using nothing but my child bearing hips as I walked towards his desk. Stopped before Professor looked up and noticed (thankfully).

"Ah, Hermione, glad you showed. Let me go fetch the supplies." He said, looking up from his desk with that oh so turn-me-into-chocolate-syrup smile but with a raised eyebrow before he disappeared into his closets. Obviously, raised eyebrow was reaction of my appearance. But was it good raised eyebrow as in having just noticed the arse on the Boy Who Lived during fifth year? Or raised eyebrow as in "bloody hell, stop before you embarrass yourself any further, you're licking my teeth" (as was said in single, seven second, Fire Whiskey induced snogging session with Ron over the summer). Either way, had to get attention back on me, as this was prime goal. As Professor was to return any moment, had situated self with arms resting on desk facing closet, simultaneously increasing cleavage as I attempted to pucker painted lips in Muggle movie star like fashion all in hopes that I would seem impossibly seductive. Was so surprised when Professor reappeared with cleaning supplies that inner poise abandoned me and fell to my feet exposing granny knickers and all.

"Are you, err" he paused, looking away politely as he offered his hand to help me up, "feeling okay."

"No!" I screamed, irritated at self and everything else in world as I grabbed my robe and buttoned it up hastily. "Do I look okay?" Actually think he was going to snicker but thought better of it. "I can't do anything right! Sure, bookworm Hermione. I can ace a test, I can solve a crossword, but I can't even get you to give me a second glance despite the fact that I pranced around half naked for your benefit."

Huffed and retreated back to refuge of dormitory so I could eat excessively in seclusion and leave bemused looking Professor Lupin to himself.

Why me?