I stand on a building and throw up my arms to the sky
I swallow my pride and admit
That it's not always best to understand the reason why

August 21st 8PM

Remus was out for a little over an hour. After he finally came to he sat in silence as Draco and the Weasleys explained the situation the best they could. I too sat silent and opted to watch him as he digested the information he was given. For the most part he seemed to be taking the whole thing rather well. He laughed as Draco told the story of my run-in with the Daily Prophet owl and he was shocked when Fred and George recounted the story of what I had done to Dumbledore's picture.

We took a break from all of the story telling to eat dinner and after that Draco and the Weasleys decided it was time to head back to the Burrow. Remus seemed to deflate at the thought of my leaving so I hinted that I was very tired and didn't know if I'd make it back to the Burrow on a broom. My plan worked and soon everyone had left and I was left at Grimmauld Place with Remus, who had been nice enough to offer me a room for the night.

As it began to get darker and darker outside, we sat in the living room together. He was sitting in an old recliner and I was on the couch leaning on one arm with my body slightly twisted so that I could still see Remus. We each held a small glass of brandy in one hand which I was enjoying much more then firewhiskey or butterbeer. In America I was underage but since I was sixteen my father had always allowed me to have glasses of wine or champagne, with an occasional glass of brandy on a few special occasions.

Sitting with Remus as we were now, with soft music floating around us from some contraption that Remus explained as a sort of wizard radio, reminded me of home and the brandy I was drinking became harder to swallow past the lump forming in my throat. I couldn't help my reaction, it reminded too much of nights that my father and I had spent in companionable silence.

With a small sigh I decided that it was time to end the silence and get down to business. I was going to have to talk to Remus regarding my father's past as there are things that only he can answer. I knew that Remus had been a member of the Order of the Phoenix, the same Order of the Phoenix that my father had been a member of at the age of sixteen. Severus had also been a member of the Order but he had been kept away from the battles and the raids. Remus, on the other hand, had been directly in the thick of things.

"Well," I said with a sigh, "the children are gone, time to get down to business." Remus eyed me warily before a look of understanding passed over his features. It seemed as if he had half an idea of what was to come.

"I suppose I can't run away from the past forever," he replied and then added, "unfortunately." We both sat in silence once again as I tried to think of how to continue. Surprisingly Remus spoke up before I did.

"I'm glad," he said ominously, "despite everything I'm really glad."

"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and I ended up staring down at my half empty glass.

"Despite everything James still was able to go on and create a life for himself," said Remus, "It may not have been as normal of life as he wanted but he had you and I'm sure that he must have found some happiness."

"I suppose so," I said softly.

"You called him James, why is that?" I asked and then looked back up at Remus. He shrugged and absentmindedly played with the glass in his hands.

"You father was James Riddle," he replied, "not Harry Potter. I thought it might make you more comfortable if I referred to him as you knew him. After all," he added, "I may have known Harry Potter the boy but I never met James Riddle the man."

I couldn't help but smile as a sense of relief flooded me. After days of being told that my father was not who I thought he was, here was one person telling me that my father was exactly who I thought he was, he just wasn't the same person everyone else thought he was. My mind had been screaming at me for days to give up on James Riddle and come to terms with being the daughter of Harry Potter. Now I knew that there was no reason I couldn't keep my father separate from Harry Potter in my heart and mind because they were two completely different people.

"Thanks for that," I said gratefully and Remus gave me a small smile in return but it soon faded as I asked my next question, "You know what I want to know don't you?" He nodded and took a small sip of his brandy.

"You want to know how I could let him be used the way that he was, correct?" he asked and I gave a small nod. "That's a hard question to answer," he replied, "but I will try my best."

"If Sirius would have been around he would have never let things happen as they did, he would've protected Harry and made sure that his interests were taken into account not just the interests of the wizarding world. But after he died there was no one to watch out for Harry's wellbeing. I tried," Remus explained with a pained look, "but I didn't do a very good job of it I'm afraid."

"That's what I don't understand," I said as I slammed the glass down on the table in front of me in frustration, "Why didn't you look out for him? Why didn't you try to help him? You were all he had left." Remus stared down at his feet apologetically.

"I was scared," he answered softly.

"What?" I asked in surprise.

"I was scared," he said again, louder this time, "I was frightened for myself, that's my only excuse and it's not a very good one, I know that."

"I've always trusted Dumbledore," he explained, "He always treated me like a human being, not a beast. He allowed me to attend Hogwarts and learn magic when no other school would have let me through their front door. He even made special arrangements so that I could go through my transformations without anyone knowing."

"There's not much for a werewolf to do in the wizarding world. After all, who would want to hire a monster? But Dumbledore gave me a chance and let me teach for a year at Hogwarts until it got out that I was a werewolf and resigned before giving him anymore trouble. After You-Know-Who returned I was almost happy to be a member of the Order once again because then, at least, I had a purpose and I was needed."

"Harry needed you," I interrupted but Remus didn't seem to hear me and instead he continued with his story.

"I was afraid that if I tried to act as Harry's guardian Dumbledore would send me away," he explained, "It seems stupid to think about it now but at the time it was something that frightened me very much. I had no legal claim over Harry and since I was a werewolf I'd never be able to have one so I kept my mouth shut and tried to help him the best I could."

"Severus and Draco probably convinced you that Dumbledore is some kind of evil monster," he said with a chuckle, "but they're wrong. He helped Harry the best he could and even though he may have manipulated things according to his plans he wouldn't have been able to stop Harry from taking the path that he did."

"But he should've tried," I snapped, "You all should have tried to keep him safe, not use him as some mindless soldier." He looked at me in shock.

"Is that what you truly believe?" he asked, "That Harry was used as a mindless soldier?"

"From what I've heard," I replied, "Yes." Remus shook his head and laughed softly to himself.

"Harry may have been a something like a soldier," he said, "but he was not mindless. He knew exactly what he was doing and he knew what it was doing to him." Remus paused for a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Harry had always been as good as good could be," he said fondly, "he was the greatest light contrasted on the greatest darkness. In the simplest terms, he was ultimate good opposed to ultimate evil and that's why killing was so hard on him."

"I remember when he cast the killing curse for the first time. He was in shock and we brought him back here to Grimmuald Place. As soon as we got through the door he ran to the bathroom and just stared at himself in the mirror for hours. I went to check on him a few times and when I tried to talk to him the last time I went to see how he was doing he screamed at his reflection and then smashed the mirror to bits."

"Was he that disgusted with himself?" I asked and Remus shook his head.

"No," he replied, "he wasn't disgusted with himself, he was afraid. He admitted to me later that he was sure that the eyes of his reflection had turned red."

"Why would that affect him so much?" I asked. Remus swallowed the last of his brandy and went to pour himself another glass.

"You-Know-Who's eyes were red," he answered, "He was scared that he was turning into another Vol-Voldemort."

"Do you think he was turning dark?" I asked seriously.

"The thought never even crossed my mind," replied Remus, "If he had been turning dark then killing wouldn't have bothered him as much as it did. Everyone in the Order thought that it didn't bother him at all but they were wrong."

"If it bothered him so much," I said, "why didn't he stop?"

"He was indifferent," said Remus sadly, "He closed himself off from all emotion so that he would feel nothing at all. He was so completely apathetic to everything that he didn't care how many times he died." Remus got up and walked off into the kitchen and I was lost to my own thoughts about what he had said.

I couldn't understand why my father had done the things that he had done if they ended up making him so unhappy. If he hated himself for killing, then why did he kill? I couldn't figure out which Harry Potter was the real Harry Potter. Was he a killer? A used and manipulated child? A sadistic bastard or a reluctant warrior?

Remus came back into the living room carrying two glasses of water. He handed one to me and I took it gratefully. The cool liquid was refreshing and relaxing.

"I'm sorry," Remus said simply and then sat down in his chair once again. I stared at him in confusion.

"Sorry for what?" I asked.

"I can't imagine that your life was easy," he explained, "and from what the others told me it sounds like James was very protective of you and maybe a little paranoid as well." I couldn't help but snort at his comment about my father being a little paranoid.

"That's an understatement," I said with another snort, "My father barely let me out of his sight but I loved him anyway even though he could be a jerk sometimes."

"Everyone can be a jerk sometimes," he said with a laugh, "Especially fathers that have daughters."

"Yes, I suppose so," I replied, "I was wondering Remus, are you married?" He looked embarrassed for a moment before answering.

"No," he answered and he blushed slightly, "but I have been seeing someone."

"That's wonderful," I replied cheerfully, "Why don't you tell me more about yourself? I think I'm done reliving the horrid life of Harry Potter aka James Riddle." He smiled and blushed once more. I thought it was quite sweet.

"There's not much to tell," He said, "after You-Know-Who was defeated and Harry disappeared a year later I was depressed for quite awhile. Then Dumbledore offered me a job at Hogwarts a few years later teaching Care of Magical Creatures."

"I thought Hagrid taught that class?" I interrupted. Remus shifted in his chair uncomfortably under my questioning gaze.

"He did," replied Remus, "but he passed away a few weeks before Harry disappeared."

"That's too bad," I answered sadly; "I would've really liked to meet him. How did he pass away?" Remus seemed to be fighting a battle of mixed emotions and he seemed to be getting quite upset. "Never mind," I said, "We'll save that story for another night." A weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders and he gave me a grateful smile.

"Well," he continued, "after I began working at Hogwarts I became friends with the Transfiguration teacher, Nymphadora Tonks. I knew her from the Order of course and she is Sirius' cousin so we already knew each other fairly well."

"How sweet," I exclaimed, "It sounds like a love story just waiting to happen." Remus blushed once again and I caught myself wondering how the werewolf kept his cheeks from turning permanently pink considering how often he was embarrassed.

"Yes, well," he stammered, "We have a good relationship now and I plan on asking her to marry me someday soon."

"I'm surprised you haven't already," I said in surprise, "How many years have you two been together?" I questioned. He seemed to think about it for awhile before answering.

"At least fifteen years but I'm not completely sure," replied Remus. I began to choke on my water and Remus rushed to my side to give me a few hearty slaps to my back.

"Fifteen years!" I all but yelled and he jumped at the sound, "You've been together that long and you haven't popped the question yet? What's the problem?" I asked sternly. He gave me an odd look that I couldn't quite place before answering.

"We were waiting," he said softly as he sat down on the couch next to me.

"Waiting for what?" I questioned harshly, "the second coming of Christ?"

"Christ who?" he asked in confusion.

"Never mind," I said as I shook my head in amusement, "just answer the question." Remus became very quiet and he seemed to attempt to answer but then he would quickly shut his mouth once again. "If you don't want to..." I began to tell him that he didn't have to answer if he was uncomfortable but he cut me off.

"We were waiting for him to come back," he whispered and then began to sob. I reached over and put an arm around him the best I could and pulled him to me. He collapsed into me with his head resting on my shoulder and I rubbed small circles on his back softly.

As I held Remus and listened to him cry I couldn't help but think back to the end of last month when my father had died. How I had wished that I could've had someone comfort me this way. How I had wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. With those thoughts in the forefront of my mind I leaned in a little closer and tightened my grip, pulling the defeated werewolf as close to me as I possibly could.