Title: The New Girl

Author: Chibi Wingzero

Rating: R

Genre: Parody/Humor

Pairing(s): Kuwabara/Yukina, Touya/Jin (Warning: There will be shounen ai.)

One-sided Pairing(s): Yusuke/Sue, Kurama/Sue, Hiei/Sue, Koenma/Sue

Unknown Pairing(s): Yusuke/?, Kurama/?, Hiei/?, Koenma/?, Botan/? (Please don't make suggestions for pairings. X3 I have already decided, and this is to keep it a surprise.)

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing the cast of Yu Yu Hakusho. Hopefully, they'll survive with their sanity in tact. looks around I can't guarantee anything. insert evil laugh

Summary: Tired of seeing several Mary Sues or self-inserts, cluttering the Yu Yu Hakusho fandom? Here's a parody fic for you. Features moments of OOC from the bishies, extreme canon warping, and of course a Mary Sue. All in the name of Sue bashing.

Chapter Title: Evil Bares Her Fangs

-Why me?- I miserably thought, resisting the urge to bang my head on my desk. Ever since my spirit detectives rescued that girl, the number of cases had drastically increased. A large number of youkai were entering the ningenkai and causing trouble. In turn, I had to send them to deal with it, but the strain was getting to them.

Standing up, I began to pace back and forth in front of my desk. It had been almost a week since her rescue. I originally wanted to make her part of the team, but she said she had to go see her mother. She said that family was the most important thing to her; however, for some reason, I couldn't disagree with a word she was saying. In any case, she had left to see her mother after she had explain her capture and 'rescue' though it wasn't actually a rescue in my opinion.

Now that I thought of it, why don't I make her part of my team? She was strong enough to take care of the Elder Toguro, meaning she can handle most of the youkai they would end up facing. The problem I faced was how to contact her. Botan was with the guy on their latest case. I couldn't send her a message using Botan as the messenger.

-Now where's another ferry girl when you need her?- I dryly thought. That girl was there when I needed her the least and not here when I needed her the most. This was so damn frustrating. As usual, George was being useless and trying to organize the folders of our past cases.

As if on cue, she stepped into my office without bothering to knock on the door or pay me any respect at all. She was the most gorgeous woman in all three worlds. In fact, she redefined the word beauty. Her dazzling sapphire hair cascaded down her back going down to her waist. It was curly, but not too curly. Also it appeared to be straight, but not too straight. When she stepped into the light, her hair had a tint the color of the ocean. She had a pert nose and very full, luscious lips, ideal for kissing. Her amethyst eyes with golden flecks in one eye and amber flecks in the other scanned the room while her dainty hand brushed a few stray locks from her porcelain skin.

The goddess wore a perfect but simple dress that hugged every curve (which were in the right places) on her form. The color of her dress complemented her stunning eyes and brought out the blue lipstick she was wearing. The dress appeared to be silk and moved like water with each movement she made. The skirt of the dress was loose and wavy while the top perfectly fitted her frame. It wasn't too complex, but it wasn't simple either. It appeared to be one piece as if someone had designed it just for her. On her adorable feet, she wore matching blue sandals. These sandals had two straps going parallel to each other around her foot. Another strap wrapped around her ankle. Ribbons were wrapped up to her middle calf. They of course, were the same color as her dress. Around her neck, she had a blue choker. A small snowflake was in the center of that necklace. On her arms, she wore a few bracelets that of course complement her dress. They were silver, blue, violet, and black. Each of them held a stone with a kanji symbol on it. The blue one had the word for ice. The black one had the word pain. The violet one had the word for koorime. The silver one had the word for fox. When she walked, she appeared to be gliding.

Quickly transforming to my teenage form, I politely asked her, "What can I help you with?"

Her violet eyes were now locked onto me as she closed the door behind her. She had a serious look to her, which contrasted with her stunning beauty. "I heard there have been many incidents ever since my rescue." Tears were now threatening to spill out of those precious eyes. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble."

Not knowing what to do, I inwardly panicked. –What the hell am I supposed to do? She's about to cry because she thinks she's the reason to these strange events.- I did the only thing I could think of. I walked towards her and enveloped her in a comforting embrace. "Now, now, I'm sure there are other reasons for the increased cases."

She abruptly pulled away from me, silently crying. It was as if she already knew the reason why, but I couldn't let her stand there and cry. I had to do something about it. Nevertheless, it appeared she wasn't in the mood to be consoled. "You don't understand. No one understands me. No one does."

I was at a loss of words here. What the hell was I supposed to say to her? 'Cheer up, everything is going to be fine?' "I'm sure you have your…"

"It's my fault; it's all my fault," she sobbed, interrupting me. She continued to cry, tear gems pooling around her feet.

Ignoring the precious jewels, I walked up to her and tried to console her the best way I can. I tried to assure her that it wasn't her fault. "Whatever it was, I'm sure someone was gorgeous as you couldn't have done it. Perhaps, I can look into it while I get George to fetch a cup of tea for you or would you prefer coffee?"

She shook her head. "No thanks. I don't deserve this after what I've caused. I'm nothing but trouble, excess baggage. That's all that I am, worthless." With that, she went into another crying bout. Why couldn't she listen to reason?

"Please don't cry," I resorted to pleading. Whatever it took, I wanted my goddess to stop crying. "It doesn't suit you. Besides, I'm sure a talented woman like yourself can't be worthless or useless. There has to be something you are good at. Take for example, you defeated Elder Toguro with one punch and walked away without a scratch. Yusuke, on the other hand, looked like he had been through hell and back. He's one of my tougher detectives."

"I was just lucky when I punched him," she sniffled. She started fidgeting with her hands as she uneasily shifted her weight. "He wasn't expecting me to be coming at him like that so he wasn't prepared. It doesn't count."

"You did blow that hole in the wall," I reminded her. I wasn't able to see the exact size of the hole, but the others were able to show me approximately how large it was. Even though I wasn't there, I could imagine how large it was, and damn, it was large.

"It was a weak point in the wall," she weakly argued while still playing with her hands. At least, those tears stopped leaking from her eyes. That was a good start. "The rest was calculating where that weak point would be and firing. It isn't that hard."

"It isn't for someone of your talent," I assured her, nodding my head. I was about to speak when she interrupted me yet again.

"Where are Hiei and Kurama?" She asked, noting that they weren't exactly in the room with us. Maybe she was too grief-stricken or something to realize who was and was not in the room.

"They're out on a mission," I calmly answered her, leaning on my desk and trying to act cool for her. It had been that way for almost a week. I sent them mission after mission. A few times, I had to split them up into pairs in order to take care of the problems. Hiei and Yusuke were in one team while Kurama and Yusuke were in another. Hiei refused to work with Kuwabara and vice versa. Plus, Yusuke wasn't exactly patient with Kuwabara either.

"How many missions have you sent them on?" She inquired. Her hands were on her hips as she stood in a threatening position.

I did not cower, but why did I find myself doing so? "Ehehehe, that's the number." I pointed to the stack on my desk and the stacks near my assistant, George. Suddenly, I felt a sting on both of my cheeks. She slapped me???

"How could you do such a thing?" She furiously exclaimed at me, making me want to crawl in a hole and die. "They could have been injured or worse killed. I can't believe the nerve of you. Don't they mean anything to you, anything at all?"

"They're like family, but it's not like I can help it," I said, nervously backing away from this enraged woman. I didn't like the way she was glaring daggers at me. She might as well be throwing them at me, because it felt like she was doing it. It pained me to see her this angry. I wanted her to be happy. "They're the only people I have."

"Then you'd better do something about it, because I'm not going to let them be killed on one of your stupid missions," she announced, causing both of us to wince at her high decibel. I wondered if she was going to break the glass around here. "I don't care what you have to do, but do something fast. If I don't see results, then you can bet I'll be paying you another visit…." Her voice trailed off as a grin came over her face. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to join the team. Got any problems with it?"

"Nope," I said shaking my head so quickly I thought I had whiplash. My assistant was also doing the same thing. We didn't have anything against her joining the team. "You can start whenever you want." I unconsciously held my breath waiting for her response.

"Good," she said, smiling sweetly at me and making me want to melt into a puddle of goo. "I'll start tomorrow, but first, I need to find Hiei and Kurama. The poor things, they're probably injured and it's all your fault." With that, she stormed out the door and slammed them, causing a almost every book to fly off my shelves.

Moments later, I realized I don't have any books in my office. Oh yeah, I kept them in my library like a normal person would. I then tied up the papers on my desk into their proper stacks: incoming reports, screen reports, and final reports. Even with just three categories, it was still a mess. George, who had come out of his hiding, was attempting to help me with them and failing miserably in the process.

Suddenly the doors to my office were flung open and a certain blue haired spirit messenger with too much energy for my liking came bounding in with a huge smile plastered on her face. "Reporting for duty!" how in the seven hells can she be that cheerful and energetic after those missions?

-Note to self: ask Botan what she eats and make her tell me where she buys it.- I turned towards her, expecting my spirit detectives to enter soon. However, no one entered my office after my bubbly messenger. Frowning, I was about to head towards the doors when I felt their energies. They were dangerously low. I had to do something about that.

Hiei was the first one through the door and appeared to be walking normally. If I didn't know any better, I would say he was in pain and going to great lengths to cover it. He probably can fool Yusuke and Kuwabara, but definitely not Kurama and not me either. The short fire youkai grunted his usual greetings before leaning against the wall, using it for support.

Next was Kurama. The fox was less than his usual graceful self, but it was more than I can say about two people who have yet to make their appearances. His red hair was completely disheveled, and he definitely needed a bath as well as a new set of clothes. Just how many outfits have my detectives gone through? Oh well, I didn't pay them so… Anyways, he had taken a seat in front of my desk and gave a curt nod to us.

"I know why don't I make some tea?" Botan suggested as she bounded out the door with more than enough energy than these two youkai. I seriously needed to feed them whatever she was eating. Maybe it would work on them too.

Finally Yusuke came hobbling into the room. He looked like he had been through hell and back. I couldn't imagine half of what he faced. I only red the reports, and even then, I don't want to know it. After nearly doing a face plant in the middle of the room, he managed to make it to the chair on Kurama's right. He sighed, relaxing his muscles and appeared to be on the verge of passing out.

"Yusuke," I warned him when suddenly my fourth detective was dragged into the room by two familiar youkai. "Hello Jin, Touya." I greeted them.

"And a good ay to you too," Jin returned the greeting while his companion remained silent. He gestured to their load. "We found this lying around and thought you would want it to be returned."

"Yes, thank you," I coughed nervously. .The others' reactions varied. Hiei was bored and distant as usual. He could care less about Kuwabara, but something inside told me he at least respected the big guy enough to not allow him to be taken down by a bunch of low level youkai when he was in this state. Yusuke was scowling though I didn't know if it was because of Kuwabara's return or his inability to arrive on his two feet. Kurama was unreadable, typical of him. "Please set him down anywhere."

"Okay," Jin replied unenthusiastically before dropping Kuwabara on the floor. That wasn't what I meant. Both he and his companion appeared to be fine, meaning they weren't involved in the fight. I guessed they either arrived at the tail end of the fight or completely after it. "You've been busy lately."

"What makes you think that?" Yusuke asked sarcastically. I was surprised he had enough energy to think let alone speak.

"I don't know?" Jin replied while appearing to think of an answer. While he was thinking, his friend shook his head and promptly smacked the other upside his head. "What was that for?"

"That was for being an idiot," Touya calmly replied, ignoring the red head's glare. He glanced over at the detectives. "Just how many do you have working?"

I nervously laughed. It was hard finding good help these days, especially ones who were not pushy and demanding like a certain someone. "Four but I recently hired someone."

"It looks like you need to hire more people," Jin stated the obvious as if he was the first one to realize this. It didn't take a genius to figure out, but at least he was able to find out on his own without any hints. "What you need is another team."

"No duh," Yusuke spoke up from his chair. He must have been tired, because he would have thrown several insults at me and called me different names by now.

"As if anyone would want to work with these morons," Hiei snorted from his place near the wall. He was clearly pissed off. As to what, I don't know.

"And what would that make you?" Kurama quipped. Although he was tired, he was definitely amused. I saw it in his eyes.

The fire youkai growled and turned away from us. He obviously didn't have any witty come back. I was glad, since I didn't have the time to argue with him though Kurama could have easily taken care of that.

"Would you two be interested in working for me?" I inquired hopefully and my fingers crossed secretly. They didn't need to know that. Jin had a good point about having two teams. "It pays well, and you get a good health plan too."

"You call nothing well?" Yusuke scoffed. I can tell he was going to be giving me problems.

"Hehehehe," I nervously laughed while scratching the back of my head. What the hell was I supposed to say? Then it hit me faster than Hiei's speed. "Consider it payment for bringing you back from the dead. Hiei, before you ask, you still have to work off your debt to society. The same goes for you Kurama."

"Then what about the idiot?' Hiei asked, nodding over to the idiot, who was out cold on the floor. He wasn't going to be waking up any time soon.

Smirking to myself, I knew what I was going to say. I was a genius! "He volunteers. I never ask him to come on these cases, but he always seems to follow Yusuke like a love sick puppy. One has to wonder about their relationship."

"Say what?" Yusuke exclaimed, jumping up ready to strangle me at any second. His eyes were narrowed and appeared to be full of fire. "You'd better be joking about that!"

Both Hiei and Touya snickered. Kurama was more polite and hid his chuckle behind his hand. Jin was confused at first, but then busted up laughing. If looks can kill, I would be six hundred feet under by now. As for Kuwabara, he was still out cold.

"I have my resources," I simply informed him. This was payback for all those baby jokes. They said revenge was a dish best served cold. Boy, they were right. I waved my hand to signal that topic of the discussion was over, but Yusuke didn't seem to agree with me.

"How much will we be paid?" Touya inquired, stepping forward and ignoring Yusuke's weak protests. I scribbled a reasonable amount on a piece of paper as well as two names and then handed it over to them. "When do you want us to start?"

"Right away," I answered. "The names listed on there are the names of your team mates. I haven't contacted them yet, but I have hired them on occasion. They should still be somewhere in the Makai. Those two can be a handful to you'd better be on your toes."

"Why would you hire them in the first place?" Touya inquired while raising a brow.

"They're good at what they do," I informed him. They were known for getting their target, and they were professional. That was how I heard of them. They had built up their reputation, but they weren't exactly the best in the business. Heh, the best probably wouldn't be taking orders from someone who looked like a toddler.

As the two were leaving, Botan came bounding back into the room, not spilling a drop of tea. I see everyone's here and ready for a cup of tea." A small frown formed on her face as she scanned the room for someone. Who can it be? We were all present. "Where's Kuwabara?"

"The idiot's on the floor," Hiei answered surprisingly. He wasn't the type of person to readily offer information. What was going on with him? Suddenly I heard a loud smack and someone yelling 'hentai.' I wondered who was that woman, and who the unfortunate victim was. A second later, I heard my break, indicating a large object had been thrown against it with such force.

"I told you not to mess with her," a cold voice sounded.

"I was only being friendly," an annoying voiced answered.

"And groping her is?"

"No. I didn't know why, but I felt a sudden urge to do it."

"Boys are such perverts," a whiny voice soon joined the other two. "If I catch either of you near me, I won't hesitate sending you to the shadow realm."

"Since when did Yu-Gi-Oh enter this fandom?" Jin inquired, being useful for a change.

"When I felt like it," the oh so annoying voice scowled.

"Guys, this is your new team mate," I informed them as I looked over her slim figure with all the curves in the right places. She changed her outfit from the last time she paid me a visit. I wondered if I can talk her into spending quality time with me. "Kitty, these are your new team mates."

She wore a leather skin tight pants that appeared to be a second skin on her, showing off every curve and leaving little to the imagination. Her ass was a wondrous sight. If I had a camera, I would have taken several pictures of it by now. She wore high heel boots, but she appeared to be able to fight expertly in them. They were of course black, and each had a small silver chain with trinkets on them. They were stars, snowflakes, and foxes. The stars were made from pure silver and shined much like her wonderful eyes. The snowflakes appeared to be a metallic blue, but there was something about them. Now that I see them, they were made from a very rare metal for which I don't even remember the name. The fox charms were made out of white gold and had little 24 carat diamonds for their eyes. Around her waist, she wore a silver belt that appeared to be a chain and had a snowflake as a buckle. Her belt wasn't as shiny as her charms, but it wasn't dull either. They had their own glow to them. She had a small pouch and a sword attached to it. The pouch appeared to be heavy and full by the looks of it. The sword was a large one with what appeared to be elven runes on it. It was made out of t his one stuff. I believed it was mithril, one of the hardest to find metals. On her back, she had a bow and a quiver of arrows. Since the bow was elven made, she didn't have to unstring it. Her bow was made by the best bow maker, and she used the finest materials; thus creating the most powerful bow in existence. It can pierce through the thickest and hardest armor. With it, she was able to shoot enemies even though they were very far from her. One time she was able to shoot through a wall and be able to hit her target. She wore a black tube tank top with the words 'Badass Princess' in hot pink. She still had the same choker from before, but this time she had black fingerless gloves on those dainty hands of hers.

"My name is not Kitty," she scowled at me, making me shrink back. She was the most fearsome creature I have ever faced. I certainly don't want her wrath on me.

The others dumbly nodded their heads in agreement as if they knew the entire time. I could have sworn her name was Kitty and not Sakura. That meant I had to change my reports, I don't care, anything for her.

"Do you have another mission for me?" Sakura inquired, her emerald gaze piercing right through my soul. Her smile made me think she actually wanted to handle a mission by herself. "There is one, but it's too dangerous to go alone. Since the others are momentarily unavailable, I can't assign it to you."

"Nonsense," Sakura waved me off. She daintily stepped toward the middle of the room as if she was in charge of the entire spirit world. By now three sets of eyes hungrily followed her and none of them belonged to me. "If I can take on Elder Toguro, I certainly take this mission without backup."

"But what if you're injured?" I weakly protested. She could be injured or worse killed. It was a crime to kill someone with such beauty.

Her laugh was melodic like a voice of a heavenly angel. It comforted me as I tried to find some sort of excuse. Yusuke appeared to be ready for another fight and surprisingly was sedated. Kurama had his usual smile, but it was a real one this time. For once, Hiei even smiled.

"Don't be silly," Sakura laughed, while keeping an eye on me. There was something hidden deep within those sparkling ruby eyes. "They won't be able to lay a claw on me. I'm too powerful for them to handle."

"But we're not taking any chances," Kurama spoke softly. His gaze was definitely on her slim figure and perfectly sculpted ass. "We'll accompany you on this mission." Wasn't he tired just a moment ago?

"We're going, and there's nothing you can say to change our minds," Hiei spoke with such authority and a gentleness that I had never seen before from him. My eyes widened. Since when was Hiei ever nice except to his sister?

Sakura opened her mouth to say something, but closed it just as quickly. A smile formed on her face. It was an evil smirk, a very evil one indeed. –Do something!- I mentally screamed. Unfortunately, I couldn't get those words past my lips. Then her crimson gaze fell on me.

/There's nothing you can do so why don't you save yourself the trouble and don't interfere./ She mentally spoke to me. That gleam in her eyes told me she meant business. I had never seen eyes filled with such intense lust. It made me cower behind my desk.

"How sweet and thoughtful of you, but I don't want you to be troubled," Sakura said, now sounding more sincere. Her eyes sparkled with determination and courage.

-What the hell?- ran through my mind over and over.

Yusuke laughed like a love sick fool and nervously scratched the back of his head while looking everywhere but her. "It's no trouble at all. I'm honored to help someone as beautiful as you."

"You think I'm beautiful?" Sakura asked tilting her head, feigning innocence. Of course, she already knew she was. Maybe this was some sort of ego boost for her.

"No," Hiei spoke before Yusuke could ever think of a response. "You're drop dead gorgeous." This caused her to blush red and the others nodded their heads.

"You're all too king," Sakura giggled like a rabid fan girl, trying to play the innocent part. Damn, why weren't my detectives acting normal for once? "Shall we take our leave/"

"Yup, we will," Kurama said offering her his arm, which she gladly accepted. This caused both Hiei and Yusuke to glare at Kurama with jealousy in their eyes.

Of course, Botan just stood there like a prop. She wasn't really needed for the conversation anyways. Was she glaring daggers at Sakura? I could see the rage and jealousy in her eyes. Boy, was she ever mad. She practically radiated fury and looked like she could kill someone with her bare hands. Slamming down the tray, she stormed right out of the room moments after they departed.

Plopping down in my plush chair, I sighed. "Botan, what am I going to do with you? I poured myself a cup of tea and settled down. -What was that thing? I don't know why, but everyone acted oddly out of character around her, me included. Hiei was nice, Yusuke turned into a gentleman, and Kurama wasn't as mart as he usually was. Then again, I was pretty out of it too. I was scared of her, but at the same time, I wanted to make her happy. This is making my head hurt.-

A groan caught my attention. It appeared Kuwabara was regaining consciousness. Maybe he can help me.

---Kuwabara's POV---

"Did anyone get the license plate of that truck?" I groaned, trying to stand up. Blinking a few times, I noticed the absence of Urameshi, Hiei, and Kurama. Where were they and where the hell was this place?

"I'm glad you're finally awake," Koenma said, sitting in his chair in his teenage form. His pacifier was still in his mouth. How in the world can he drink that that thing in his mouth? "It appears we have a situation."

This caught my attention and I straightened up. Yes, I was still sitting on the floor. "Do we have another case?" It was about time I was noticed after what I had done. It was always Urameshi. Now, it was my time to shine.

Koenma gave me a serious look when he saw my grin. Okay, this was a serious matter. I did my best to look serious. After all, I didn't want to pass this opportunity. "What's the situation?"

"I want you to observe the others while they interact with Sakura," Koenma explained. He placed down his cup of tea and leaned on his hands. Closing his eyes, he sighed ruefully. "It appears she has some sort of influence over the others, which she is using to her advantage. It pains me to say this, but I was under her spell too. For some reason, she deemed me as useless or something like that. Maybe I found a way to resist her, though that's asking for too much."

"What sort of influence?" I asked out of morbid curiosity. If it was what I thought, then that meant I too was guilty of being caught under her spell.

"She may have the power to bend everything to her w him even as far as making us completely out of character," Koenma answered while massaging his temples. It was that bad? Glad, I was out cold. "Hiei was nice, Yusuke a gentleman, Kurama dumb, and Botan jealous. I know what you're going to say this is impossible, but trust me. I've seen it happen with my own two eyes, and I still can't believe it."

My jaw literally hit the floor. What the hell? There was no way they could be acting like that, could they? I meant Hiei was a cold hearted bastard. Nice was definitely not in his vocabulary. Neither was mercy, smile, and cheerful. Yusuke was a badass punk. There was no way he would treat a lady with that much respect. Just take a look at Keiko, Botan, and Genkai. At least, he would be nice to Yukina, seeing as she was going to be my girlfriend one of these days.

"You're right. That's hard to imagine. I can't see anyone of them act that way, and I wouldn't even wish that on my worse enemies too." The thought of her bending other people's will to fit her whims made me shudder. If she could get Koenma under her finger, then she definitely could get an S class youkai. –Poor Kurama and Hiei. They don't even stand a chance. For once, I pity the Hiei.-

"Now you see where I'm going with this," Koenma said, keeping a straight face. We had to stop her at all cost. I was willing to sacrifice my time that I could have been spending with Yukina for a noble cause. "We don't have much information on her yet, but I'll see what I can do."

"Then what should I do?" I asked, making up my mind. There was no way I was going to back down from this important mission. For once, I was glad Koenma trusted me with it.

"Observe them, but don't get caught," Koenma answered with a stern voice. He opened his eyes to give me that look. It was all business. "And whatever you do, don't tell her what we're planning. She knows that I suspect something; however, that's all she knows. She doesn't think I will raise a finger against her. Report back to me every other day. We don't want to give her any reason to become suspicious."

"Yes sir," I said, standing up abruptly. I was so happy with my new case I forgot about how exhausted I was supposed to be.

---TBC---

Bwahahahahahaha!! Well, at least Koenma and Kuwabara recognize her as evil. Will the others too before it's too late? XP

Now who could be joining Touya and Jin? I wonder. 3 Clues will be given in the next chapter. Ja!