Gotta Knock a Little Harder, a yami no matsuei fanfic

Kurenai: I love this song and have been meaning to do a songfic of it for the longest time. So here it is. It's slightly OOC and the song is Gotta Knock a Little Harder from Cowboy Bebop.

Happiness is just a word to me

And it might have meant a thing or two

If I'd known the difference

The boy crossed his arms over his chest, glaring defiantly at the world through emerald eyes. His lips turned downward in a permanent frown but his pretty face was otherwise emotionless. But what was the point of smiling? He had nothing to smile about.

Emptiness, a lonely parody

And my life, another smokin' gun

A sign of my indifference

There was nothing he cared for, no one he loved. His parents hated him and his partner annoyed him. And he was dead. His thoughts turned away from his amethyst eyed companion and back towards him parents. They had praised normalcy and he had threatened everything they held dear. It wasn't his fault he was different and he certainly didn't choose to be an empathy but his parents couldn't comprehend that simple fact. The treated him as if his life had no value and never taught him the most important lesson: love.

Always keepin' safe inside

Where no one ever had a chance

To penetrate a break in

The boy had locked himself up long before his death. If his own parents hated how did he ever stand a chance of making friends? "It's safer this way," he reassured himself, not caring that he was talking aloud. He couldn't let anyone get close to him; it would only end up with him getting hurt. Besides, it's not like anyone wanted to befriend the reclusive shinigami. 'Liar,' that nagging part of his brain scolded. 'You know that's not true.'

Let me tell you some have tried

But I would slam the door so tight

That they could never get in

"Tsuzuki." The word escaped past his lips before he could think. The boy shook his head. No. Tsuzuki didn't have a choice. He had to befriend the younger shinigami because they were partners. Nothing more. He smiled faintly, bitterly. He would never let the older man break in.

Kept my cool under lock and key

And I never shed a tear

Another sign of my condition

The boy sighed, desperately wanting to turn his thoughts to elsewhere but found he couldn't. Did he really want to be alone for the rest of eternity? The boy nodded roughly, doing his best to reassure himself. He had been through enough to know the horrors of humanity: neglect, betrayal, abuse, hatred, fear, rape, murder. Was it really all that wrong to shut himself up after he had been through hell?

Fear of love or bitter vanity

That kept me on the run

The main events at my confession

He wasn't doing anything wrong. 'But you're afraid.' "I'm not afraid," the boy argued indignantly. "Besides, what is there to be afraid of?" He didn't need a reply to know what. Trust, companionship, love, life itself. He had always seen himself as strong for tolerating all of his hardships but in reality, he was just weak and afraid.

I kept a chain upon my door

That would shake the shame of Cain

Into a blind submission

"That's not true!" the boy hissed, voice rising and tone a pitch higher in desperation. But it was. He had cut himself off from the rest of the world out of fear, trapped in his own mind, an alternate reality.

The burning ghost without a name

Was calling all the same

But I wouldn't listen

"I won't accept that!" His fist banged down hard onto the desktop, a jar of pencils spilling from impact. There was that taunting laugh, the laugh that had haunted his nightmares for years. That man was mocking him- he had always fed off the boy's fear. No, he wasn't afraid. He didn't have to listen. He wouldn't listen.

The longer I'd stall

The further I'd crawl

The harder I'd fall

I was crawlin' into the fire

But what good would running away do? All he was doing was venturing into the pits of hell. He was only making his existence harder. He was human and humans needed companionship. No matter how strong he believed he was or how much he denied it, the facts would never change.

The more that I saw

The further I'd fall

The lower I'd crawl

I kept fallin' into the fire

Into the fire

He couldn't keep living like this. Eventually, the loneliness would drive him insane. And he wasn't just hurting himself. Every cruel word he said affected others, innocents like Tsuzuki who only wanted to help.

Suddenly it occurred to me

The reason for the run and hide

Had totaled my existence

The boy buried his head in his hands while his whole existence came crashing down on top of him. He had thought pushing everyone away would make his life better but it had only made things worse. What was the point of living when he was all alone?

Everything left on the other side

Could never be much worse that this

But could I go the distance

Would friendship or even love be all that bad? Everything he had forsaken, was he willing to take it all back? But what other choice did he have? He was slowly dying again and nothing could be worse than the cold emptiness that filled his soul.

I faced the door and all my shame

Tearin' off each piece of chain

Until they all were broken

He got slowly straightened, emerald orbs determined. Yes, he would do it. He would embrace Tsuzuki's offer of friendship, let the older man in to his life and exit his sheltered world. He could do it.

But no matter how I tried

The other side was locked so tight

That door it wouldn't open

Then the memories came flooding back. That night when he was 13. The crimson moon, the sakura tree, stained petals, the blood, the pressure of the man's body on his, his endless screams, that haunting laugh. His parent's abuse, that dark room, their fear, their hatred. He couldn't go through with it.

Gave it all that I got

And started to knock

Shouted for someone

To open the lock

I just gotta get through the door

The boy gave a defiant yell. He would not be broken by his past life. Sweat trickled down his brow but he brushed it away with a careless hand. There was a rush of emotion, none of them his. The taunts of the kids at his old school, the screams of a bullied girl, the mocking words of an older boy, jealousy, rage, harsh thoughts. As much as he wanted to break down his barrier, too much was holding him back.

And the more that I knocked

The hotter I got

The harder I'd knock

I just gotta break through the door

He shook his head back and forth, biting his lip until it bled. He would not lose. "Goddamit!" he cursed. He felt the tears welling up- he hated crying, he hated the weakness it symbolized. He was rocking back and forth unconsciously, thoughts filled with that laughter. He had to succeed, even if just to spite him. He didn't realize what he was screaming, even after he words were released.

Gotta knock a little harder

Break through the door

"Tsuzuki!" The door was flung open, revealing a panting amethyst-eyed shinigami. The man was frowning deeply, temporarily stunned at the sight before him. Wordlessly, the man hurried to the boy, encircling him in his arms. For once in his life, the boy didn't push him away but buried his head on the man's chest. Yes, Tsuzuki cared about him. Truly cared. The boy smiled, a real smile this time. He had done it.

I broke through the door