AS THE PAIN SWEEPS THROUGH
Some time between dawn and dusk her life happened, but she could never remember a moment of it.
It had been just two weeks, but already the pain was back. She had thought he accepted her unconditionally, but she knew otherwise now. She could sense it, the way he looked at her, how he was always asking her what she had eaten that day. She knew he meant well, but each inquiry was like a sharp knife twisting in her side. He used to say he loved how soft and warm she was. Now he would just look at her with disdain. As she walked home that day she thought about his words at lunch:
"Do you really need to eat today Terri? I thought we were going on a walk down to the ravine?" And with that he had seized her lunch tray and tossed it in the garbage can. As they walked out of the cafeteria, his resentful tone escalated. "I think the fresh air and exercise will do you some good."
The fresh air and the exercise. Maybe he was right. She watched her reflection as she walked past a window. She walked with slumped shoulders, and her soft belly protruded a bit. She knew exactly what he meant. She was fat, obese really, and it disgusted her. She placed a hand on her abdomen and attempted to make her stomach go flat. It wouldn't, and in anger she ran the rest of the way home. She had hardly anything in her system, but she knew she needed to purge herself of the feeling of fullness. She unlocked the door clumsily and ran to the bathroom. Forcing her finger down her throat she wiggled it until her gag reflex kicked in.
She could taste her crimes as they erupted from her unwilling mouth.
Once she was cleansed she walked calmly to the living room and picked up the phone. Her fingers found their way easily to the digits of Rick's number, and she felt some comfort in being able to talk to him.
"Sure, I'll be right on over."
He had a familiar knock, light and impatient, and it always made her feel guilty, as if she was keeping him waiting. She flung open the door and greeted him wholeheartedly. He looked happy to see her, and for a minute every bad memory faded from her mind and she wanted nothing more than to be in his arms.
Cuddled on the couch, Rick began petting her hair. His hands were coarse, and she felt comfort at how easily they glided through her silky hair. She turned to him and gave him a warm smile. He did not return the gesture.
"Terri, how long have we been together?"
She pondered, knowing that if she gave the wrong kind of answer it could have consequences. She quickly thought up what she figured to be an adequate response.
"It feels like a lifetime." Rick looked pleased with this and as his face softened he began playing with her hair. "What would you think of us taking our relationship to the next level?" as he spoke he lightly grazed her face with the back of his hand, "maybe become more intimate. I just love you so much."
She knew what he meant. This wasn't the first time he had insinuated that they should go beyond just kissing and cuddling. But Terri knew she didn't feel ready to open herself that way, especially with all her insecurities. What if Rick took one look at her body and was completely disgusted? She was torn between wanting to make him happy and needing to stay in her personal comfort zone. As his hands began to graze other parts of her body, she pondered where this might lead. Was she ready for this next step?