DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. This chapter contains Papa Roach lyrics (as mentioned in the first chapter disclaimer) which I DO NOT OWN. I also do not own Degrassi or anything affiliated with it.
As they walked along the tiny path, Emma's mind was racing with what she was going to say to Sean. Or, more importantly, what he was going to say to her. She couldn't figure out why he wanted to talk to her at all. Neither of them spoke for a long time, the only sounds they heard were the snapping of the twigs under their feet and the now distant noises of the party. It struck her how amazing it was that even after all this time, after everything she & Sean had been through, she still felt comfortable just walking in silence with him. It was both comforting and sad at the same time.
At that moment, Sean stopped walking. He turned to her and asked. "Emma, can we just be honest here? Please? No attitudes, no fighting.. just honest?"
She was silent a moment, then "Yes.. yeah, I think we can. We can try anyway."
"Ok. Umm.. I just.. I need to know… What are you doing, Emma? What happened to you? When did you become so.. broken??"
"I… I don't know what you mean, Sean. I've changed… but I'm ok." Emma replied. Great, good job Emma, you're lying already..
"Don't lie Emma!" Sean struggled to keep his cool. "Those lies might work on people that don't know you very well, like Jay, but cut the crap .This is me we're talking about. I know you."
The comment made Emma struggle to keep a razor thin hold on her temper. She couldn't help it, though she'd forgiven Sean for last year, it didn't mean she'd completely healed.
"You know me Sean? You think that you know me? Newsflash – you don't. Not anymore. You left. Remember? You were gone for a long time. A lot can change in two months, Sean a lot. Including me. I couldn't… I couldn't be that way… anymore. I needed to not be that girl."
"What was so wrong with the way you were, Emma? The Old Emma, she was the best person I've ever known. She cared about things, and about people. She befriended people no one else would, and stuck up for people and things who couldn't stick up for themselves. Look at what she did for me." Sean smiled slightly at the memories that came flooding back. Emma helping him study, Emma standing up for him. The couch, the movies, 'double cheese'.
"Yeah, and look where it got me Sean. You dumped me, because I spent too much time caring for everyone else, and not enough time caring for you. Then, I almost.. " she choked "I almost got you killed Sean. Because Emma Nelson – Cause Girl - just couldn't leave well enough alone. I actually felt sorry for Rick. He was an abuser, he hurt Terri, but I was nice to him anyway because it was 'the right thing to do'. I.. I think I led him on. And you almost died because of it. And then.. and then you left. So not only did I ruin my own life, I ruined other peoples' too. I ruined your life, and Ellie's, and.. and Jimmy's, and probably Toby's and it was all my fault. If I hadn't been so busy 'caring' and 'doing the right thing', none of this would have happened. Why would I want to be that girl anymore? I don't. I can't." she was sobbing now.
Sean felt like his heart was going to stop if he didn't put his arms around Emma, so he did. She stiffened, but soon melted into his embrace. Sean couldn't remember the last time something felt so right. But his heart was breaking for Emma.
"Em. Em, look at me." He titled her chin up and looked into her eyes. "What Rick did, was not your fault." She started to shake her head "It was not your fault!!" he said forcefully. "He was sick Emma. If it's anyone's fault other than Rick's, it's J.. whoever pulled the prank on him. Being nice to someone does not turn them into a killer Emma. You did not do that to him. You have got to believe that. You have such a good heart. You can't turn away a person in need. That doesn't make you bad Emma, it makes you who you are. You're so beautiful, and so kind. The girl I knew had this amazing light in her eyes. It was this sparkle. And that light, it always gave her mood away. It was like a mood ring. I knew those eyes like the back of my hand. What they looked like when you were angry, happy, determined, sad, excited. But the thing is Emma, that light is gone. I don't… I don't see it anymore. I can't read you. Your eyes, they're just stuck on 'sad'. And I want to help you get that light back. You need to get it back."
"You can't Sean. It's too late. So much has happened.." Emma started to pull away
"No! Emma, it's not too late!" Sean was growing desperate. He could see he was losing her.
"It is Sean. I.. the things I've done.. since you left, you wouldn't even believe." She hung her head. I'm so ashamed.
"What? Do you mean Jay? Emma, I don't give a shit about Jay. He took advantage of you. He saw you weren't yourself, and he used that. It's what he does." Sean sighed "He doesn't care about you, Emma. Not the way… not the way I do."
Emma's eyes grew wide, and then narrowed. "Oh really Sean, and how is that? Enough to break my heart? To humiliate me in front of your friends, to spit on me? To steal from my father to get back at me? To start dating someone else, to move in with her, to tell her you love her right in front of me? If that's the kind of caring you're talking about, then you can keep it." She started to walk away.
"Emma… I apologized for all that. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please." desperation seeped into his voice
She whirled around "You know what Sean, you're right. Jay won't ever care about me. I'll never be more to him than another one of his Bracelet Girls. I know that. But you know what? I like that. Because at least that way, he can never break my heart. I can't say the same for you." She started back to the party again.
"EMMA! Please, stop." He was pleading now, on the verge of tears.
She stopped again, but didn't turn.
He knew if he didn't say this now, he might lose everything. "Emma, I love you. I love you. Please."
Tears were streaming down her face, but she still didn't turn around. "Go to hell Sean. Go to hell. Just leave me alone."
She stormed off. By this time, they were nearly back at the party. Sean just stood there in agony, not sure what to do next. He heard a stereo start blasting from the party, probably Jay's stereo. As time stood still, he listened to the lyrics of the song. And the tattered remains of his heart broke a little more.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feelDrunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is…
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should have never come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
Sean felt tears run down his cheeks as he marveled at the appropriateness of the song, how in the beginning, it was Emma trying to help him, and he'd pushed her away. Now he needed desperately to help Emma, but she was turning away from him. Frustration coursed through him. He crumpled the can he was holding and threw it in the bushes. He stalked back through the party, noticing that while Jay was still there, hitting on some girl, Emma was gone. At least she hadn't run to Jay, was all he could think. He left the party without so much as a word to his former best friend.
Monday at school, Jay walked towards his locker. It had been a great weekend, except for the fact that Emma, his latest conquest, hadn't been answering his calls all weekend. No big deal, he liked a challenge. He spun the combination on his locker and pulled it open. He was surprised when two items fell out. He bent to pick them up. What the hell is a feather doing in my locker? He picked up the piece of paper that had fallen out with the feather. He unfolded it and glared at the contents. In bright yellow ink were the words: "I KNOW IT WAS YOU.". Jay crumpled the note. He was more than a little annoyed. He stalked off to find Spinner…