To all our faithful fans, so sorry for abandoning you for a year. It literally took us that amount of time to write this masterpiece. We hope you were waiting like good little chumps while this magnum opus was being developed, so without further ado, after 365 days of a wait more grueling than the one Moses had in the desert, here are chapter 6 and 7.

-Porn and Trawler

You and your sisters have decided to go on a vacation as Ishtar is still traumatised after being raped by a bigfoot. After much deliberation you have decided to travel to Brazil, in hopes of having a moment of peace for once in your lives. There, the three of you will continue your usual lifestyle while enjoying the hot weather and the beautiful women there. After going through the grueling process of applying for a visa and obtaining your passports, you board the nearest ship sailing for Brazil.

The voyage over is uneventful, but once you arrive in Brazil you find out that your plans to go clubbing and drinking in the city have been foiled by a massive earthquake which has caused the city to be shut down. Your plan is to go to Rio to see the famous samba dances and go shopping in the markets, but due to the city being completely closed you decide to go to the beach instead.

On the beach you see a small shack selling drinks and snacks, you all decide to go inside to get some food and drink. You order a large amount of delicious food and drinks, and to your delight, it all comes for free. You begin to eat and drink and enjoy the beautiful sights of the beach and the warm weather.

You say "Hey Ishtar and Eresh, want to eat some of my big, long potato sticks?"

Ishtar and Eresh reply in unison "Yes! Yes! We want some!"

You happily oblige, and soon the two of them have eaten a few. Ishtar then asks you if you would like to eat any of her potato sticks. You of course say "Yes" and she proceeds to give you a few. You have a few, but then begin to feel a little sick. You ask her if the potato sticks make her sick. She replies, "No, I make you sick."

You say "DID YOU GIVE ME AIDS YOU HARLOT?"

Ishtar and Eresh say "No!" in unison.

You ask "Are you sure?"

They say "Yes!"

You ask "Will you give me AIDS if I want?"

They say "No!"

You ask "Will you give me AIDS if I want?"

They say "No!"

You ask "Why?"

They say "Because we don't like you!"

You say "I can't believe it, I paid for this holiday and you won't even give me AIDS!"

Ishtar and Eresh say "We know, we know!"

You shout "I SWEAR YOU GANG REPHA NAPA CHOR!" At this point in time, London slang has evolved into a completely new language. (even though technically you are thousands of years in the past and London doesn't even fucking exist yet but this shit is metaphysical so whatever)

Ishtar and Eresh reply "Yes, yes, we know!"

You begin to cry, and the entire universe cries with you.

You say "You bluds are complete wankers, piss off"

You scream these words at the top of your lungs, but they come out muffled due to the tears.

Ishtar and Eresh look at you in disbelief, and then laugh and laugh for about ten minutes. You are so sad that you moisten your britches with your sour yellow piss, and they say "Look at him, he's wet himself!"

Ishtar and Eresh then begin to laugh so hard that they wet themselves. You are in tears again, but you laugh too. You've had enough of these rapscallions so you storm off in a right strop. You get into your car and begin to drive away, downing a bottle of jack daniels in one gulp. You put the pedal to the metal and go at 320km/hr, plowing through oncoming traffic. You look in the mirror and see policecars chasing after you.

Jack Daniels number two is in the cup holder so you take a swig as you drive. You come to a T-Junction and there is a left, right and straight road. You have to choose. You sharply turn right, t-boning a police car which then topples over, exploding as you rev the engine and make a break for it. You see the police cars catch up and they're on your tail. You floor it and put the car in fifth gear and blast away, overtaking several more police cars and sending them flying over. You accelerate and accelerate and accelerate, passing 60, 150, 250 and nowyou're doing 340! The speedometer clicks past 400! You switch to fourth gear and floor it, the engine howling, as you leave the police cars behind. You are the king of the road!

Suddenly, a car appears around a corner around. You have no time to react as the car slams into your side, sending your car toppling through the air and into a utility pole. You smash into the pole and your head snaps back as your neck cracks. Your vision turns black and you lost consciousness.

You wake up to find yourself inside the police station, a group of coppers are in front of you, their faces covered with soot. You try to speak, but find that your vocal cords are completely swollen, making it very difficult to talk. The cops notice you are awake and begin to ask you questions. You cannot reply as you are unable to speak. One of the coppers walks up to you and kicks you in the ribs.

You look at the fucker scathingly.

"You belligerent mingers, I'll skin your nans and flap their fannies around the bingo hall"

The cop replies "Shut the fuck up, you gormless chuffer! You don't know what you're talking about, do you? I'm going to rip your tongue out and beat you to death with it! Now we're going to bring you to the court so the judge can tear you a new asshole"

"Oh yeah, you cheesy fuckstick" he continues, "someone sent you a letter while you were unconscious" he throws an envelope at you.

The letter reads, "I have your sisters, catch me if you can Mr Ritsuka."

You read the letter and begin to sweat.

Who could it be? One of the coppers tries to handcuff you but you shove him aside, snapping his pinky finger. You turn around and defenestrate yourself out the window, landing in a heap on the side of the street. You look around in a panic, trying to decide what to do. How will you save your sisters? You sprint up and down the street in a panic and eventually find yourself in a local pub called "The Grog and Grocer".

You rush inside, find a seat at a table and order a large whiskey. You drink it down in one and begin to calm down. You've done the impossible, you've escaped from a room with four armed guards with no injuries! You'll be able to save your sisters. You order another drink and begin to think. You suddenly remember something you read before. Years ago when you were fucking Ereshkigal in the local babylonian library you read that you can make an invisible ink out of cum and piss. Maybe the letter contains some secret letters using this technique?

You tear your eyes away from the letter and begin to frantically search around the bar for a toilet. You find one, flush it and begin to experiment with different ways of making an invisible ink. Eventually you find the perfect recipe. You open your eyes and stare at the letter. The message on the page is clear "Meet me behind the nearby Tesco at 12.34pm. (P.S. Bring Hash)" You decide there's no other way to rescue your sisters so you decide to comply.

You get out of the bar and begin to walk to the Tescos. You arrive at 12.34pm and look around eagerly. You see a lavishly decorated cart pulled by two fine horses pull up the the spot. A man steps out, he's bald, seven feet tall and appears to have weird lumps and growths bulging out of his skin. He also has a zipper on his gigantic cock. A proper dodgy looking prat.

"Get into the cart" he says curtly.

You get into the cart, the sexual tension is palpable but you are confident in your heterosexuality so you don't worry about it. As the cart rolls along you come across a large hole in the ground. The cart keeps going at full speed while you scream like a little pussy bitch. In an instant the cart flies down the hole and everything goes dark.

You wake up a few hours later, and find yourself in some sort of laboratory. You get up, and notice the man from the car, standing over you. He says "Welcome to my world. Now come, there's a lot to do, and not a lot of time to do it in."

The man is holding a large magnifying glass and is inspecting a large bag of crystal meth. He lights the meth and snorts it, before proceeding to inject himself in the neck with it. He says "This is the elixir of life. By combining this with our creation of the world, we shall extend your life indefinitely."

"How long have you been alive?" you ask.

"Approximately 200,000 years. I was first created by God in a dream he had, and then brought to life. I remember the dream quite well. I was made to spread the message of God. You are to be the vessel for his spirit, to help us create a new world. You will see things differently. You will see things that have not yet been imagined.

You stare the blighter in the eyes. "I don't give a shit, I just want to get my bitchy sisters back. My cock has been throbbing for some good pussy all day."

The deluded man seems to think you are determined to help him recreate the world. Maybe it's a good idea to take the elixir, but fuck remaking the world. It could be a good cure for the incoming whiskey hangover and besides you need a power-up cause there's no power of friendship to save you. You decided to take it, after all, your sisters are in danger, and so are you.

"I will take the elixir" you say.

"Remember, the choice is yours" says the man.

"Go on, give me the elixir, I need it."

You drink the elixir. Or at least what's left of it. There's not much left, as he's been chugging on that shit for 200,000 years.

The elixir has a strange effect on you. It makes you feel incredibly calm, relaxed and confident. This is the power of crystal meth. The man then asks you what you see.

You say "I see everything"

"Everything? Really? How is that even possible?" the man asks, smug.

"I see you have no soul and I see past your disguise, reveal your true identity" you say.

The bald man sighs and grabs the zipper on his schlong. He slowly unzips his fleshy exterior and your eyes widen upon seeing his true self. All this time, the man before you was a large bigfoot creature wearing the skin of a man!

"I am the true version of Adam, the perfect being created by god and cast out of the Garden of Eden. I have lived 200,000 years to give you crystal meth and help you retrieve your smoking hot babalicious sisters"

"But, but, but Adam, I thought you were from the bible" you say, confused.

"So did I, stupid!" he laughs.

"I don't get it" you say. "It doesn't matter, shut the fuck up you wannabe ass hot topic piece of shit, anyway we aren't strong enough with just the two of us. I need to call up my top man and accomplice, Samuel Rodrigues, otherwise known as Jetstream Sam" Adam proclaims.

Jetstream Sam is a well known crystal meth dealer and cyborg ninja samurai who works for the united states president with a large network of suppliers, runners and buyers. He can kill a man faster than you can stick Ricky rat up Ishtar's ass. He can get you whatever you need, for whatever price you want.

Adam calls up Jetstream Sam and the two of you discuss your situation.

You say "We need to make a plan to rescue Ishtar and Ereshkigal. Please Jetstream Sam, do you know where they are?"

Jetstream Sam tells you that Ishtar is in the city dump and Ereshkigal is in the nearby Mayan temple. He also warns you that every person living in Brazil is secretly a bigfoot wearing human skin except Sam because he's too gigachad to be a monkey. Aside from the bigfoots the only humans are the dumbass bong cops that are waging a war against them. Adam is the only nice bigfoot and all the others fucking suck mad nuts. He also tells you that he knows you've had a rough day and he's willing to grant you whatever you want to help you get the girls back. You tell him to meet you at the designated location.

It's time to do the deed. You and Jetstream Sam wait at the designated location which is a secluded alley in the city dump. The plan is to kill everyone and take their skins so that you can impersonate them to rescue Ishtar.

You say "I think it's time to kill some people"

"Kill them all, I'm going to get Ishtar, you back me up."

"Got it."

You sneak up on a family of 5 including a baby and slit their throats. Caught the kid lacking, he should've been on the lookout for spawncampers. You take their skins and impersonate them. You are perfectly disguised as an average "bigfoot wearing human skin" and enter the city dump. You know Ishtar is being imprisoned at the center of the dump where all the garbage is being burned. You slowly sneak up to the very center where the garbage is being burned and see Ishtar being held prisoner in a large cage.

"Got a visual" you whisper to Jetstream Sam.

"Good job" he replies.

Now is the time to pop your secret weapon. You pull out a bag of crack and snort a large line. The crack makes you extremely alert. You notice hundreds of bigfoots surrounding you, their faces twisting with hunger. You look over at Jetstream Sam who's holding his legendary katana "Murasama" and you raise your fists. You lean back-to-back.

"Time to go ripper mode, Sam. Leave no bigfoot alive" you say.

"I hear you, chief."

You and Sam begin to dance. Dancing like two balls on crack destroying every bigfoot you see. Your blades and fists coated with the vile blood of bigfoots as you dance like Dante and Vergil. You dance with death and destruction. Sam is on fire and dancing as you dance with him. He slashes with the katana and you beat down bigfoot after bigfoot, laughing madly as each one dies. You tear the head clean off a bigfoots shoulders. You hold the head in your hands and look him in the eyes.

"War is a cruel parent monkey, but an effective teacher."

You let the head fall from your hands and dropkick it into a charging bigfoot. Fuelled by the power of sexual desire, rage and meth the head blasts a hole clean through its body.

You dance until you can't dance anymore and your legs feel like jello. Your body feels like it's going to break into a thousand pieces. You dance until your arms burn and your chest feels like it's being ripped open. This is the combined strain of meth and crack on your body. You fall down and grab your chest. You can't breathe. The world goes black.

You wake up in a cold sweat. Your mouth is parched and you desperately want a swig of whiskey. You are sitting on the floor of the battlefield, corpses covering every inch of the dump floor. Sam is sitting down nearby, sharpening his blade.

"Oy Amigo, let's get your sister out of that cage" he says, winking at you.

"Oh, you have no idea what Amigo means, do you Sam?" you say as you get up.

You walk over to Ishtar's cage.

"I got the key right here" you say, handing it to the girl.

"You killed them all Sam?" she asks.

"No, I'm still at the bottom of the ladder, dancing, ripper mode" he replies.

You unlock the cage and the two of you free Ishtar. The three of you walk out of the city dump and find yourself in front of a large dumpster, with a chain link fence surrounding it. You all jump into the dumpster after hearing a large squadron of coppers roll nearby. Fuck me, perfect timing innit? Those blighters always find the most opportune moments to fuck with your plans.