Donna is reading in her room, doing her best to evade her mixed thoughts and feelings, not being able to sometimes differentiate them. It's kinda chilly outside and because they're in a bad financial situation, the heating isn't on, so she wears a double pair of socks, a high-neck sweater, and a blanket over her legs. They had just moved to Connecticut, to an apartment much smaller than their previous home, they had only one bathroom, the kitchen along with the dining room, a small living room, and a room for her and another for her parents. But as her father had told her, there was no room for her piano in that apartment.
The book is not hers. She has borrowed it from the school library, nevertheless; she's enjoying it immensely and fulfilling her major mission: To stop thinking for a while.
And everything is wonderful. She has even gotten warm after a few pages until she hears knuckles hitting her room door and knows that at that very moment, reality will cross her security wall once again. Donna indicates, with little choice, that he can enter, knowing that he's her dad. Each knocks on the door in a particular way.
Her father, in silence, enters her room with a fake smile and closes the door behind him, to approach her 15-year-old daughter who, until a few seconds ago, was relaxed. Donna already knows it, so she closes her book, carefully putting a piece of paper that works as a bookmarker and leaves it on her bedside table, then bent her knees against her torso, to leave a space that she doesn't want for him, who sits at the edge of his bed, with his feet on the floor and his torso turned toward his daughter.
"Hey... I'm sorry I'm bothering you, but I can't stand to be in the same place as your mother right now. She's cleaning up now and if I'm in the middle, she looks badly at me. You know? And if I go to the bedroom, she says I'm too lazy."
Donna nods, her hands hugging her knees under the blanket, intending to hide as much as possible. "I was just reading..." she murmurs, trying to downplay it with a slight shrug.
"You read a lot, Donna..."
"I can't practice piano anymore. And I'm reading for free, so you don't have to worry." She says, almost without thinking about it, and knows that it sounds like a reproach and curses herself for it. She has no energy to argue.
"You know I'm sorry for the piano." He says guiltily, and she nods, swallowing her sadness. "But I wasn't saying it because of it."
"And why do you say it?" she asks, a little confused.
"They say reading makes you more empathetic with others... And you've always been too empathetic. Are you trying to turn it into a superpower?" she giggles softly. "It must be that's why it's so easy to talk to you, honey." Donna presses her lips, making her best effort so that tears don't accumulate in her eyes.
You can hold it, Donna. You can't be vulnerable.
I know it's easy to talk to me, but you're supposed to take care of me, not do this shit.
"I just like reading, dad." She responds, doing her best to sound kind.
"I know, and it's fine." He exhales, and she presses her fists under the blanket, preparing for the blow. "I didn't sleep here last night, again." He says with a little shame, unable to look at her face. She heard them fight and scream and she already knew it, but she decides not to say anything. "I know that in some businesses I'm going bad, of course I know... But I do it with the best intention. I always trust it will be the business that will bring this family forward... But she doesn't understand it, Donna. She doesn't understand it and becomes the coldest person on the planet, and I'm her husband! She can't give me a kiss before I go to sleep? I'm just looking for a little support and I only get rejection." He continues to speak, not noticing at all the feelings of his daughter, who is using all her strength so that sadness doesn't win her over. The sensation of her muscles trembling inside her body becomes stronger and stronger and fears that he will notice it... Although she thinks he wouldn't notice even if she was literally shaking with her whole body in front of him on that mattress. "I don't even remember the last time your mother and I-" Donna's eyes enlarge, as a warning sign, and Jim for the first time registers her and remains silent. For God's sake, she doesn't wanna know anything about her parents' sex life. Absolutely nothing. "She blames me for everything, Donna, and I do it with the best of intentions." Donna listens to every word and with every word feels her heart sink a little further into her.
You don't have a friend to have a conversation with about all this shit, Dad?
Abruptly, she feels the pain of her nails nailed to her skin. She assumes that the strength of her fists is excessive.
"I know, dad." She responds and swallows dry. "But all you do is yell at each other. Do you think that way you can solve something?"
"Probably not."
"Try to talk to her. You two are grownups, Dad." And I'm not, she thinks. Her nails nailing too hard and her muscles strain, holding her feelings. "Why don't you invite her to dinner tonight? I can eat alone here. It doesn't have to be an expensive place, just nice and quiet to be able to talk in peace."
Jim looks at her, surprised, unable to believe her daughter's maturity. "It may work, Donna. Thank you very much." The man stands and leans to kiss Donna on her head, and then quietly withdraws from her room.
As soon as the sound of the closing door invades Donna's ears, she drops her face against her knees and some tears fall down her cheeks, though less than she would wish. She wants to get under that blanket and be able to cry until she dries up, but all she gets there were tremors, tachycardia, and a handful of tears that she couldn't release.
It hurts her; it hurts her that the people who have to take care of her the most in the world are the ones who put her in this terrible situation.
It hurts her not to be able to cry.
Ray is waiting for her standing next to the car and, after greeting each other kindly, he opens the back door for her to enter the car. Donna puts on her seat belt, immediately grasping her cell phone, looking to evade any kind of conversation. She simply cannot continue to hold her kind personality. She feels emotionally exhausted. And luckily, it works. Ray just says there's a lot of traffic and she responds by saying that he's right, and that's it. Well, she thinks. You're close to home, Donna. You did it.
When she enters her building, she greets the manager who warns her that there is a package for her and gives it to her. She thanks him and heads to the elevators. Donna doesn't remember asking for anything, but she doesn't question it. She needs to get home. She goes up alone on the elevator and had never felt so much relief from reaching her home. Well, it may never be a little overstated. But those walls feel like her fortress and she needs to be there because as soon as she feels protected from the world, the tears overflow from her eyes, and a long sigh comes out of her lips. Of that, she's completely sure... It's the first time she arrives at that apartment and starts crying without effort, without pressure, without shame. There is no longer any place to escape.
Even with her coat on, the pack in her hands, and her purse hanging from her shoulder, she gets off the heels, enjoying that little sense of freedom, and kicks them aside in the entrance hall. Then she walks inside the apartment, leaves the package on the table, then her purse, and takes off her coat, which rests on the couch. Feeling her tears rolling down her cheeks, she looks for her phone in her purse to write to Harvey.
"Home."
"I promise I'll be back soon."
"I'm going to be waiting for your hug."
"Should I go to work out my muscles first?"
Donna giggles in her tears and thanks him silently for that. "Silly, you made me laugh."
"Mission accomplished."
Donna smiles and sends him a heart emoji, ending the conversation, not because she wants to, but because she assumes he must still be in that meeting. Then, she goes to her room because she doesn't put up with anymore inside that dress, much less inside that bra, and looks for one of her pajamas. She heads to the bathroom, where she takes off her clothes, unable to avoid a sigh of relief by removing the bra and opening the tap, to let the water heat a little while she makes a bun in her hair.
When she feels warm water falling on her skin, she feels all her muscles loosen after being in tension all day and hums with pleasure, especially letting the water fall on her shoulders and neck, moving her head slightly sideways, looking to relax a little more. Donna grabs her favorite sponge and after rubbing it with some soap, passes it through the skin of her arms gently, trying to make a self-massage that isn't as nice as she hopes, but it's all she can get at the moment. She does the same thing with her legs.
When she comes out of the shower, she puts on her robe and a sigh makes her fall sitting on the toilet closed, her elbows on her thighs, her face falling on her hands, and almost without noticing, a drowned cry is born from her bowels that break her even more into crying. She doesn't understand how her mind may have kept all that pain deep for so many years. She's angry. She's mostly angry at herself for allowing it. How is it possible to have had all of this inside for so many years and never be able to see it? How could she have been so blind? So much to talk to everyone about working on their emotions, all believing that she was the superhero of emotional intelligence… and she had spent decades cheating herself.
The sound of her phone pulls her out of her spiral and grabs it to answer.
"Hi," she murmurs.
"Hey… I'm leaving the firm."
She only murmurs a hmm, but Harvey knows she's crying even before she said hi. "Remember that I prefer you to arrive before Thai."
Harvey grins and nods, pressing the elevator button. "Ray is coming for me."
"Good," she responds, drying her own tears. "I should dress."
"Are you talking to one of the partners in the firm where you work being naked?"
She giggles. "In a robe. I just had a shower."
"And you have nothing except for the robe?"
"Just the robe."
"Oh… you can't do this for me."
Donna giggles again. "I'll get dressed before you arrive, don't worry."
"So… you won't expect me naked?" he tells her, adding sadness to his voice, and she can't help but laugh again.
"No, sorry. I don't think my mood tonight is to become a fatal female."
"I know… by letting me fall asleep next to you, I'll be fine."
"It's the only way I can sleep tonight."
"I'll hug you all night."
"I know."
"I'll get there soon."
"See you soon."
Donna ends the call with him and after washing her face, she gets dressed quickly and lets her hair loosen again, although, with the humidity of the bathroom, her neat hairstyle of the day disappears.
When she walks out of the bathroom, she realizes she had completely forgotten that mysterious package and looks for scissors before sitting there to open it. She doesn't get any clues until she opens it and takes the card in her hands to read it.
"Donna, we've arrived a little late for your birthday gift, but you'll find the reason when you see the gift. I hope you can forgive us for it, and of course, you like it! Have a very nice year and always be happy! Mom and Dad."
A tear falls on the card and that's when she realizes she probably will be crying for a long time. This seemed like a joke from the universe.
She takes a breath of air and looks for what's inside the box. An enormous book from the Louvre in Paris. She quickly assumes that it's one of those books which is sold only in museums, and a new wave of emotion hits her when she opens the first page and finds a few words for her.
"According to your love for art and Paris, we believed there would be no better gift. We hope you enjoy it. Mom and Dad.
PS: I also hope one day we can tour this museum together, Donna. I still don't forget that pending trip we have."
Donna shakes her head, her hand on her forehead, exerting some unconscious pressure on her eyes.
The book is beautiful and is probably one of the most beautiful gifts she has ever received for a birthday, and deeply hates the duality she feels right now. In all these hours, she has never doubted the love and gratitude she feels for her parents, but she cannot deny that all this has been overshadowed by the bitterness of pain.
After a few minutes of thinking, Donna grabs her phone and writes them a message of thanks. There is no way to be able to keep telephone communication without crying.
"I just received the gift. Don't worry that the delay is super forgiven. Thank you so much to both, it's beautiful! I promise I'll enjoy it very much and that it'll have a special place in my books. I'm very glad you were able to enjoy Paris together. Thanks again.
Hopefully, one day we can go together, mom."
And when she presses send, she hears a key enter her door lock and waits there, with no intention of moving. Her elbows lean on the table and her forehead is on her hands. Harvey quickly takes off his coat and approaches her. His hands settle on her clavicles, giving her a gentle squeeze while he kisses her head. She sighs with relief as she feels the warmth of his hands on her and pleads to him silently to not remove them from there.
"What is this?" he asks, pinching her as a massage.
"My parents' birthday present. It arrived today... you can laugh if you want."
Harvey swallows a wry laugh and sits in the chair next to her. His arm stretches out over the back of her chair and he gets as close to her as he can. "Your birthday was several weeks ago..."
"Yes, but they bought my gift in Paris." She says and pauses. "I ever told you I was going to take a trip to Paris with my mother and we had to cancel it because my dad needed the money for a business, which, of course, went wrong?"
He denies it with his head and kisses her on her shoulder. "Hence your love for Paris?" Donna nods and lets her head fall on his shoulder, seeking his hug. Harvey hugs her with his arm, rubbing her arm with his hand.
"It's from the Louvre in Paris."
"Yes, I've been there."
"Have you ever been to a museum?" she asks in surprise.
Harvey giggles. "Hey... why do you say it wryly?"
"I can imagine you on the night of Paris, without a doubt... even fooling around with a woman in the Eiffel tower... but Harvey Specter in a museum? I can't imagine it."
"Hey…" Harvey murmurs. "Look at me, please." Donna raises her head and looks at him. Both of his hands hold her gently by the jaw, and his thumbs dry tears from her cheeks. "I've been to museums." She chuckles. "But I want to go with you to everyone you want." Donna smiles and nods. "And if there's any woman I want to play the fool in the Eiffel Tower, it's with you." He murmurs and kisses her on her lips. "And I promise I'll take you everywhere in the world you want," Donna smirks at him because she knows he will and curls up against him, who immediately hugs her, just as he had promised.
"You really want to fool with me at the Eiffel Tower?" they are strangely entangled in each other, she leaning against him, her cheek on his arm, her arms circling his arm, while he surrounds her with his other arm, rubbing her back and his torso tilted over her.
He nods. "And in Antarctica too."
She laughs and hugs his arm tighter. "It's too much for less than 24 hours. I don't understand how I could live so long by burying it and... I feel so stupid."
"No... You are not stupid." He shakes his head and kisses her temple. "I can talk to you for hours about denial mechanisms... And that doesn't make you stupid."
"You say it because you have denied for more than a decade that you love me?" she murmurs, a little looking to annoy him, but another little expecting to hear him telling her something nice, anything that calms her anguish a little is welcome.
He giggles and separates a little from her so he can look at her. "Exactly." He responds. "Or do you think that having denied for more than a decade that I love you makes me stupid?"
She squints her eyes, exaggerating a facial expression of doubt, and raises one of her hands to caress his cheek. "Just a little… I mean, I'm not at my best right now. My hair is a mess, my face is swollen with so much crying, and I'm sure you're watching my jowl right now." The two giggle. "But you've had me in front of you almost every day of all these years... A little bit, just a little stupid maybe you are..."
"Sorry… Miss Paulsen?" he tells her in a funny tone, walking his fingers across her abdomen where he knows it will tickle her.
"Yes, Mr. Specter?" she asks, a little crying, a little laughing.
"You just called me stupid?"
"No, you have misunderstood my words." She says, laughing out loud because Harvey has stopped having mercy.
"Have I done it?" he asks, leaning even further against her, and while tickling her, kissing her neck. Donna wraps him, dropping him more against her.
"Maybe..." she says, still laughing at that moment. Then Harvey stops tickling her and looks at her again. "You're my favorite stupid." She tells him, caressing his hair.
Harvey snorts. "How easy you buy me, huh?"
Donna giggles, smugly. "Come here and kiss me. You haven't greeted me yet." She tells him, pulling on the flaps of his clothes until his lips collide against hers.
"So… how are you doing?" he whispers and kisses her again.
Donna sits back next to him. "Amid a collapse." She giggles with no desire. "Trying to understand, I guess… even though I know it will take a long time."
"I'm here if you wanna talk… or be silent, or whatever."
"You're staying here this weekend?"
Harvey nods with a smile. "Ray has gone home to get me some clothes. I don't have any suits here for Monday."
"Oh, you're the best." She murmurs and wraps his arm with her hands, to rest her chin on his shoulder and kiss his cheek.
"Even if I'm a little stupid?"
She smiles and kisses his cheek again. "Even if you're a little stupid."
"Good." He smirks and turns his head to find her. "You give me 2 minutes that I change my clothes? The food and Ray should be coming." Donna nods and Harvey does that. When he is leaving Donna's room, he gets a notification that the delivery is nearby, so go down to find it and finds Ray there as well.
Meanwhile, in the apartment, Donna removes her things and her gift from above the table and puts a pair of small tablecloths and a glass for each one. When Harvey returns, he leaves his suit hanging at the entrance and the food at the table, when he does, Donna is leaving a bottle of wine there and before she can leave, he locks her between his body and the chair, wrapping her with his arms and she loosens as soon as she feels his body against her.
"Do you wanna get drunk?" he asks with a smile.
"Not a bad idea." She says, with a bit of irony.
"Okay, come here, drunk girl." He tells her, moving one chair away from the table a bit. Donna heads to that chair, while he sits in another chair and while she opens the boxes of food, Harvey purses the two glasses of wine and raises one toward her.
"Do you wanna make a toast?" she asks, a little confused, and he shrugs. "All right." Donna also raises her glass and thinks for a few seconds. "For being able to finish breaking down this wall." She murmurs and he nods, collides their glasses, and they drink a sip. "Hey… and you?"
He rests the glass on the table and looks back at her. "Same as you."
She smiles at him and squeezes his hand on the table while she also leaves her glass on the table and both are ready to eat. Donna with more pleasure than Harvey, of course.
"I don't understand how you can enjoy this…"
She giggles and shrugs her shoulders. "The first few times, I only proposed this to annoy you. But I guess sharing it with you is what makes it one of my comfort foods."
"No, no… go back." She laughs. "What was that confession?"
"It's time you know it."
"So… if I hadn't insisted so much that I hated this, maybe we'd be eating something else right now?"
She nods. "Probably."
"Oh, shit. You played dirty."
Donna lifts one of her bare feet to his lap. "You didn't enjoy dining with me this?"
"Yes, I mean… I preferred when it's a pizza or burger. Or well, El Posto." He responds, walking down her calf with his fingers.
She hums and drinks a little more wine. "Thank you for making the effort for me and eat this again."
"It's fine… I like to dine with you, even though we eat a bagel."
She smiles at him and eats the last bite, leaving the chopsticks in the box, and then drinks the last sip of wine, as she collapses against the chair and lifts her other foot to Harvey's lap, he also finishes his wine and covers her two bare feet with his hands. He climbs his palms to her toes and his thumbs press her both metatarsus distractingly, without too much pressure or precision. He just remembered he had done it a few days ago and seemed to have relaxed her. Of course, Harvey doesn't know, but Donna had learned in her yoga courses that this is the point he represents of the solar plexus, and is sure that her solar plexus is not only blocked right now but is twisted like hell. Like the rest of her chakras. Her whole life feels out of balance 24 hours ago.
"Do it in the middle gap, please." She murmurs, her eyes closed, enjoying what he is doing.
Harvey looks at that gap with his thumbs and starts pressing both at the same time. "Like this?"
"Yes." She hums a mixture of pain and pleasure born from that point and ascends by her legs.
"You wanna explain or…?"
She grins and looks at him. "I've learned it in yoga. It's the solar plexus, the third chakra. And I'm completely blocked now, in all ways. So, at least what you're doing relaxes me."
Harvey frowns, a little confused. "I continued then?"
"Please," she murmurs, closing her eyes again.
Harvey nods silently and continues to do what she asked of him. Not only had Donna learned quite a bit about yoga throughout her life, but she regularly took massage sessions. Her masseuse was also a yoga instructor and always her most relaxing moment was when she massaged her feet, especially at that point. And while Harvey doesn't do it with the same technique, is just as effective, and she manages to relax quite a bit. She feels as if a pleasant sensation was born from there and spread through her body gently.
She doesn't know when it happens, but suddenly she's crying again. It's calmer and effortless. As if tears just fall because that's what they need to do.
A/N: Thank you for still here and having reached the end of the chapter, I would love to know what you think about this! We're nearing the end. See you next week :)