Note: This story was entered in the Cunning Count Olaf Composition Contest, and won... nothing. However, I put too much work into it to just let it vanish, so here, in its entirety, is:
The Dreadful Dinner Party
In a normal dinner party situation, one gathers with some friends in a clean, picturesque (a word which here means "pretty") restaurant or home for a well-cooked, delicious meal, such as spaghetti and lemon pie. Afterwards, the guests retire (a word which here means "go" and has nothing whatsoever to do with quitting your job) to the living room to discuss a pleasant subject such as ponies or kittens. As you can see, a normal dinner party can be a delightful experience, and that is why people enjoy going to normal dinner parties, or reading reports about them.
The following, however, is not a report of a normal dinner party. It is a report of a villainous dinner party, which is not at all a nice thing to read about.
For one thing, the people who attended this party were not the kind of people you would invite to your home for a well-cooked, delicious meal. They were the kind of people you might invite to the local police station for a pair of well-made steel handcuffs, or a nice, tight strait-jacket.
Also, the meal, which was, by the way, roast beef, was neither well-cooked nor delicious, and while the guests did retire to the living room for conversation, the topics discussed were not pleasant at all.
The villains began by mentioning deadly diseases. They then touched upon leeches, gnats, and poisonous snakes. Just as they were beginning to talk about the destruction caused by hurricanes, Count Olaf, the host of the party, stood up and placed a stack of papers on a small table in the center of the room.
"Comrades," Olaf proclaimed theatrically, "this is the script for my latest play, I Didn't Realize It Was Physically Possible For Anyone To Be As Handsome As Me!" He paused for effect.
"In the play," the count continued, "The Most Handsome Man in the World, played by me, will visit the two fairies, Tocuna and Flo, played by you two." He pointed to two women with white powder all over their faces, who were standing near the ashy, unlit fireplace.
"What about me?" a bald man with an extremely long nose asked. "Do I have a part?"
"You will have one of the most important parts in the play!" Count Olaf cried. "As soon as Act I is well under way, and The Most Handsome Man in the World has arrived at the Fountain of Fairies, you, along with Hooky, will set fire to the theatre!"
"That sounds fun!" cried the man who had just been referred to as Hooky. As he said this, he waved his arms in the air, revealing the sharp hooks that took the place of his hands. "But what about him, I mean, her, I mean.... What about that one?" The man pointed one of his hooks at a corpulent (a word which here means "very, very fat") person who was seated in a dirty chair. This person may have been the most disconcerting of all the villains present, because he or she looked like neither a man nor a woman.
"Once the play is started, Fatty will lock all the doors except the emergency exit backstage," the evil playwright explained. "As we leave, we will lock that door behind us, trapping our enemy inside!"
"Our enemy?" one of the white-faced women gasped. "Will he be there?"
"Oh, most certainly!" Olaf cackled, and the smile on his face broadened, as if he had just told a joke. "I sent him a coded message, saying that Beatrice would be attending the performance!"
Suddenly, the room was filled with one of the most horrible sounds in the world, a sound too stomach-turning and spine-chilling to describe. The room was filled with the sounds of villains laughing in delight, finding happiness in the evil of their leader.
"Now, let's all go have some wine to celebrate my plan!" Olaf suggested, and the awful acting troupe began to file out of the room. Olaf, however, remained behind until all others had left. He stroked his script as it lay on the table, as if it were a cat. After staring at it for a few minutes, he went to join his troupe in the dining room. When he reached the door, he turned and looked at the table in the middle of the room one more time.
"Soon, you will be out of my way for good, Mr. Lemony Snicket!" he growled, and then left the room, shutting the doors behind him.