The fellowship of the Hoodie navigated around a mist-shrouded lake in the heart of the Hooded Hills. They came to a halt in front of a moonlit door of stone.

Andyalf read the inscription above the door.

"'The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.'"

"Friend!" Rosie cried cheekily.

"Really, Rosie," the balding wizard said. "Let me open it."

He then proceeded to mutter elvish and dwarvish words at the unyielding stone.

Half an hour later, Ilmig had pulled out the copy of Mein Kompf that K-rond had lent her, Aragorn was sleeping, Bobomir was attempting to egg and TP the walls of Moria, Rosie and Wil were playing tig tag tog: dilching style with a hacky sack, Legolson was playing and singing one of his songs, and Hunter and Merry had started and impromptu rock-skipping contest.

"You just tigged on a tog!" Rosie accused.

"I did not. That was a tag."

"It was more of a tiggle-tag," she conceded, "and that's highly irregular."

"But it's Tuesday the tenth!" Wil countered. "So I get an Orli point because it was in your realm."

"No, you already have a double triple Orli, and on Tuesday the tenth of the year of the tiger, that means you have to dance with a manatee made from a tutu and a honey-dew mellon."

At Rosie's last word, the stone doors creaked open.

Andyalf immediately stood, trying to look important.

"See? I'm never wrong. I was just taking my time."

"How did he do that?" Merry whispered.

"It's maaagic!" Rosie told her.

"All right!" Ilmig dashed into the dark cavern. "Party time! I know a guy here who makes the best wings. This place is so cool. And they call it a mine. Oh, help me, a mine!"

"What the myrrh!" Hunter yelped as the light reflecting off Andyalf's head lit the room.

"This place isn't a mine," Bobomir said. "It's a frickin' tomb!"

Only then did everyone notice the skeletons littering the floor that they would have had to step over to get in.

"Out!" Aragorn grunted.

Everybody began backing toward the door.

Suddenly, Rosie was yanked off her feet and dragged toward the water. Wil hacked at the tentacle holding her ankle, while the other two hobbits pulled on Rosie from the other direction. The tentacle retreated, but myriads of others launched from the water, lifting Rosie high and knocking the others aside. As Aragorn and Bobomir sliced through the rubbery skin, Legolson jumped into the fray wielding a large hunting knife and a machete, while Ilmig neatly severed the monster's limbs with her formidable battle scissors.

Rosie fell to safety and they retreated back into the depths of Moria, the creature pulling down stone and rubble to block the doorway.

"Well, I guess we're stuck here," Andyalf said, lighting his staff, his head scattering the light to the whole company. "It's a four day journey, so we better get started."

…

They had just climbed a long, steep flight of stairs when Andyalf suffered a memory loss at three doorways. Old age, you know. So they sat a while until Rosie noticed something. She scrambled over to Andyalf.

"Hey, there's something freaky down there!"

"Gollum," the wizard replied. "He's been behind us for three days."

"Cheeze, thanks a lot for telling us," Rosie said indignantly. "Man, he just wigs me out. Bilbo should've killed him when he had the chance."

"And what makes you think you can judge him? Just because of how he acts. You'd be a hypocrite to say that. Everybody has double standards and plays favorites."

"Ooo-kay…"

"Hey, let's go. It's this way." The wizard stood.

"He remembered!" Merry exclaimed.

"No, it smells better," Andyalf said.

Bobomir sneered. "And this is the guy who's leading us?"

"At least it's not Merry."

"Hey, I heard that, Rosie!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

They entered a large cavern, and Andyalf intensified the light, proclaiming, "Behold, Dwarrodelf!"

"Woo-hoo," Rosie said, twirling her pointer fingers once in the air. "A bunch of stone pillars."

"Oh, no!" Ilmig cried as she rushed into an adjacent room. A shaft of light fell on a stone coffin.

Andyalf read the inscription. "Balin, son of Fundin. Hmm…" Then he picked up an ancient book and began to read. Ilmig dried her tears with her beard and stood up.

The book turned out to be a record of the invasion that had littered so many dwarves at the entryway.

"Something about drums in the deep… yadda yadda… cannot get out… blah, blah, blah… more drums… they are coming."

While everyone listened to Andyalf, Hunter got bored and began playing with a skeleton sitting on the edge of a well. As the wizard finished, the head of the skeleton dropped into the well, banging the sides. The short hobbit snatched back his hands, but the whole skeleton fell, dragging the well bucket and chain after it. When the last of the echoes died away, Andyalf closed the book with a thump.

"Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance."

Silence.

Then the drums.