Hi y'all. I'm baaaaaack! And I'm here with another parody. Yup. Ain't got no stinkin' guts to write somethin' original. But I'll get to it . . . eventually. (ahem) Anyway, hope you like. Remember, this is a parody & all the match-ups here aren't official. So if you hate it and want to go write your own version that's perfectly fine. But I'll still think mine's better. MWAHAHAHA!!!! Whoa, need to cut down on the sugar.
Disclaimer: Come on, people. Let's just think about this. Why would I be here if I owned this frickin' series? None of these characters belong to me! They belong to their genius creators Marvel & Dreamworks. Okay!!! Ya happy?!?!?! Aaaarrrggghh!!!!!!!
Okay, enough of this crap. Onto da fic! dun dada daaaaaa!
(A/n: BTW, thoughts/character narration (which will only be in this chapter)/singing will be in italics like this...
Spoken dialogue with be written "like this"...
Okay? Then let's go!
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Chapter 1 – The Beginning (sue me I couldn't think of a better name!)
Okay, I'm changing that title.
Chapter 1 – Swamp Days (much better; please don't sue me)
The scene opens with a light shining down on a leather covered story book. Unfortunately we cannot say if it was really leather or where it was imported from. But if anyone cared, we'd keep talking about it anyway.
The book magically opens by itself. The first two pages there are a castle and a princess.
Once upon a time, in a far off land, there lived a beautiful princess.
The page turns again, this time with pictures of the same princess and a cup with some kind of reptile. Lizard, mini dragon, who knows?
But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss.
The next page reveals another more ugly castle and a huge dragon.
She was locked away in a tower, guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon.
Beep (J/k) Next there is that ugly fire breathing dragon again and a bunch of no-name knights throwing their pathetic little sticks with pointy ends at it, the morons.
Many brave knights (hehe) attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. (Hehe)
The page once more turns with a picture of the princess lying on a bed like in 'Sleeping Beauty' and a picture of a knight kneeling and holding a bundle of roses (without any of them being burnt).
She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room in the tallest tower, for her true love. . . and true love's first kiss.
The page with the knight is torn out of the book and the book is closed.
Haha! Yeah, like THAT'S ever gonna happen! What a load of. . .
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From outside a very small outhouse, laughter could be heard.
"Haha! Yeah, like THAT'S ever gonna happen! What a load of. . ."
Next came the sound of flushing, then the opening of the door. Logan stepped out feeling refreshed and ready for his usual morning routine. After, of course, he shook off the piece of toilet paper stuck to his foot.
Somebody once told me
the world was gonna roll me;
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed.
After finally relieving himself of the paper, Logan looked up and took in the homey view of his grounds. His house was made from the hollow inside of a giant tree stump, which grew right in the middle of some God-forbidden swamp.
She was lookin' kinda dumb
with her finger and her thumb
in the shape of an 'L'
on her forehead.
While taking in the view, Logan let out a deep sigh of satisfaction, then picked up a bucket and went to work.
Well, the years start comin'
and they don't stop comin'.
Fed t' the rules and I hit the ground runnin'.
Don't never make sense to live full fun –
You're brain gets smart
butcha head gets dumb.
So much ta do,
So much ta see,
So what's wrong with taking the backstreets?
You'll never know if you don't go;
you'll never shine if you don't glow. . .
He always enjoyed getting ready in the morning. He first went to his special place by one of the roots of his tree stump where he took his ritual mud bath. Or rather, mud shower. He only wore a blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans, so it didn't take him long to shed his clothes and get under the stream of mud he collected in the bucket. His rinsed his mouth once with the mud just before he finished. After that, he went to his mirror with his towel wrapped around his waist and brushed his teeth with. . .
. . .well, let's just say it ain't Crest or Colgate he's got out there. More like Beetles and Dragonflies.
Understandably, when Logan paused to look at himself in the mirror with his 'toothpaste' still in his mouth, the mirror shattered.
Hey now!
You're an all-star!
Getcha game on, go play.
Hey now!
You're a rock star!
Get the show on, get paid.
All that glitters is gold!
Only shootin' sta-ars
break the mo-wold!
After brushing, Logan always took a dip in his lake where many of the swamps stenches originated from. Of course he really couldn't help it if he had to release bodily gases that caused the fish to die, leaving the foul odor behind. Well, at least he was still able to use the fish later on for dinner.
It's a cool place
and they say it gets colder.
You're bundled up now
but wait till you get older.
But the meteor men beg t' differ,
judgin' by the hole in the satellite picture.
The ice we skate
is getting' pretty thin
the water's getting' warm
so you might as well swim.
My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?
That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored!
When all personal hygiene routines had been completed, Logan first enjoyed looking for and catching slugs. Especially really big slimy ones that he had to push out of logs. It was his way of finding dinner and a great source of exercise. And of course he always managed to squeeze in some time for his creative side. He spent some time by the lake painting a picture with oils he collected from plants around the swamp. After painstakingly perfecting his masterpiece, Logan finally put down his brushes and adored his work. He then planted it in the yard in front of his house.
His painting? A picture of a wolf man with the words "Beware of Wolverine" written at the bottom. It accompanied the other signs he had also made.
Hey now!
You're an all-star!
Getcha game on, go play.
Hey now!
You're a rock star!
Get the show on, get paid.
All that glitters is gold!
Only shootin' sta-ars
break the mo-wold!
Later that night a group of men from one of the villages near the swamp became very annoyed with the existence of the Wolverine. He simply had to be done away with. They assembled for a meeting to plan their attack on the Wolverine's house. When the plan was set, they all grabbed their torches and pitchforks.
As the men gathered their weapons, Logan was enjoying a nice meal consisting of the creatures he had caught that day. He was completely oblivious to what force was approaching his home.
The angry villagers ran across the country with their flame and their metal. Of course, most of it was in their hands and not in their guts.
The villagers continued to approach. But Logan, in his own cool way, remained unaware and unconcerned as he swallowed an entire fish.
The villagers came closers, knocking and running over his warning signs with all their rage and none of their brains.
Now the villagers' hollering and screaming could be heard very distinctly by Logan. He was lounging back in his chair when he had heard the war cries. Like one rudely awakened from a peaceful nap, he got up from his chair and walked over to his window. Looking outside, he quickly spotted the oncoming mob. Shaking it off with a shrug, he walked away from the window.
The villagers had now come to a trot as they approached the stump hut. Unbeknownst to them though was that their prey was in fact behind them.
All that glitters is gold!
Only shootin' sta-ars
break the mo-wold!
The group finally stopped at the edge of the reeds. The man in front, a blond jockey, parted the reeds and got a good look at the hut. The light was still on inside.
"Ya think he's in there?" asked one of the jockeys standing next to the blond.
The blond ignored his question. He stood up and prepared to charge. "All right, let's get it!!"
But before he could go, a villager named Spears put an arm out to stop. "Whoa whoa, Duncan, do you know what that thing can do to you?"
"Yeah," concurred another one of Duncan's friends nervously. "He'll grind your bones for his bread!"
Suddenly, a haughty laugh came from behind them. When they turned, they saw a creature who looked like a man dressed in jeans, a shirt and a black leather jacket standing over them on a large bolder. His adamantium claws were out and exposed. The light of the torches reflected with a bright flash off them.
"Actually," said the clawed man, "that would be a Juggernaut."
The villagers cried out in surprise and fright as the man jumped down from the rock and began stalking towards them. Although he was quite short, he still was none the less terrifying, especially the fire lighted his face at certain angle for an even scarier appearance.
"Now Wolverines, oh, their much worse. They'll. . . make a suit from your freshly peeled shin." He lifted his claws as he said it.
"No!" cried one villager in terror.
"They'll shave your liver, squeezed the jelly from your eyes. . . actually it's quite good on toast."
Duncan had had enough. He finally got the courage, or the stupidity, to jump in front of Logan and wave a torch in his face. "Back! Back you freak! I'm warnin' ya!"
Logan stared at the torch for a second, then licked his hand and put it on the flame. The flame immediately went out. The villagers gasped.
Duncan, now realizing his situation, dropped the torch and looked at him. "Right." He said nervously with a smile.
For a moment, Logan smirked. Then he bared his teeth a let out a terrifying roar. Okay, not really a roar. More like an extremely fierce growl. Or a howl. Yeah, something like that.
His howl blew out all of the torches, not to mention all the saliva he 'blew out' from his mouth that landed on the faces of the villagers.
When Logan was finally through, he wiped his mouth and watched the villagers scream until they realized he had stopped howling. They just stood there, staring at one another. Then Logan leaned in and whispered, "This is the part where you run away."
The villagers let out a short cry, then bolted out of the swamp, running as fast as their legs could carry them.
Logan threw back his head and laughed at their pathetic fear. "And stay out!" he shouted. He happened to look down, seeing the weapons that the intruders left behind, when he saw a poster with a picture of some frog-faced creature. He picked it up and took a closer look.
"Wanted: Mutants & other strange Creatures?" he read allowed.
He looked up towards where the villagers had fled. Then he tossed the poster aside. He had had enough trouble already dealing with these wimpy humans who thought they were so tough. These intrusions happened all the time, and it was really bugging him.
But trying to capture every mutant in the world? Who's powerful enough to do that? The thoughts bounced around in his mind as he retired to his abode. As he went to bed, he came to a conclusion.
It's all bogus. No one can possibly capture every single mutant. Where would they go, and who would even bother going through the trouble? Either way, they ain't gonna mess with me. His confidence was assured as he drifted off to sleep.
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So, whaddya think so far? Good? Bad? Suggestions? Comments? Questions? Flames? Okay, maybe not flames. Haven't gotten that far yet. Next: "That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying teleporting elf!"
See ya soon!!