Someday My Prince Will Come
Chapter 16
Its strange having Will with me again, and yet oh so cool! Im sure I act stupid around him now. All that time apart, and I realized how crazy about him I was. Every time I think about him now, I cant help but smile. I feel so stupid! I hope he doesn't know. I really really hope he stays stupid and innocent, until Im sure I want to tell him. Noah says Im an idiot for acting like a schoolboy... and I had to remind him that was still a schoolboy. Hello! Although, I wish I were out of high school already! God that would be great, to just romp around on my own!
Will and I spent the first half of Spring Break together. Everything went so great, it was like we hadn't had an argument at all! We went to the beach, a bit up north. The water wasn't too warm! I told him I wanted to go to Virginia or something. It's not that far! After all we ARE on Spring Break! Oh well. At least we'll be in the city for Frank's birthday party.
Will looked as if he wanted to dart out the front door. It was the first time he met Frank, and he didn't know anyone except for Jack. Noah; he didn't consider him a friend at all! In fact, Will decided he rather disliked Noah, for what reason? he couldn't decide. There was something sinister about him, and so Will kept his distance. He hovered near the door that led to the balcony of Frank's apartment, eyeing the group of young men that came to the little party. Will liked Frank, who preferred small gatherings, just like him. He watched the redhead entertaining his guests, and wondered if he should go talk to him.
"Here you go!" Jack chirped returning to his side with some drinks. He handed a coke to Will.
"Coke?" Will lifted an eyebrow.
"Yea, they're out of diet." Jack remarked with a grimace. "But it's a party so, I guess we can afford to have something sweeter!"
"I guess so." replied Will, still watching Frank. Jack watched Will, and frowned. Just then, Noah came up to them.
"Enjoying yourselves?" he asked with a smile. Will looked up at him once, and managed a small grunt.
"Yes we are!" said Jack, and moved in between the two, shielding Will from Noah. "And how are you Noah? Bring any hotties here tonight?"
"No, no." Noah said, looking amused all of a sudden. He watched Will for a couple of seconds and then turned back to Jack. "Did you?"
"Hey!" Frank exclaimed, preventing Jack from replying. "How come you aren't over here with the rest of us?!" he asked, his eyes shifting from Will to Jack, to Noah.
"I was over there!" Jack said, defensively.
"So what did you guys bring me?"
"I put my present on the table." Jack gestured to the table full of boxes and bags.
"And you?" He turned to Noah.
"Don't push your luck!" Noah said, walking away.
"Ugh, what a mean guy! No present for me? Im turning 22 for Christ's sake!" he shook his head, and looked at Will. "What about you? Did you bring me anything?" He asked playfully.
"Uh, no, sorry." Will stammered, almost shyly. His gaze shifted down to his cup of Coke, and he nearly blushed. Jack could sense something in the air, and he didn't like it. The three of them were silent for a moment.
"Well, I'll be over here, where people actually speak!" Frank said, apparently appalled at the behavior of his guests. As soon as he was out of range, Will let out a sigh. Jack looked at him in surprise.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Nothing." he said softly. "Is Frank, you know... "
"I think he has a boyfriend." Jack lied.
"Oh. That's too bad."
"Yes it is." Jack said, with a touch of regret in his voice.
"I hope we won't be playing any weird games at this party." said Will, with a look of dread on his face.
"Don't worry. All of Frank's friends are very civilized."
"Except for you."
After Frank opened the presents, and the cake was served, the party calmed even more so and people began to leave. Jack talked with Noah, while Will sulked on the balcony, on his fifth Coke. He felt so out of place, so lonely. Why couldn't he blend in with these people? These were the mellowest, and most worldly people ever! And yet, he felt so silly among them, feeling whenever he attempted conversation, that they were considering either tolerating him or just ignoring him.
He watched as a couple walked, arm in arm, down the street, to the bus stop. They both seemed to be in their own world, and yet comfortable in their companionship. Will wondered if they really felt anything for each other; if they truly believed they could love or care for one another. While, he was still in search of someone to care about, Will didn't really think he had the capability of loving another man. It was a notion he could not utter to Jack, for he knew his friend would refute every doubt he held.
"This is stupid. What am I doing? I should not be so scared. I've been out for half a year now, Im free and I should be excited about finding someone. I should be excited about everything open to me now! Why isn't it like it should be?!" He asked himself and sighed heavily. He stood up and turned away from the balcony. Jack began to make his way toward him.
"Sorry for leaving you. Noah bugs I know!" He smiled gently, noticing the sad look on Will's face. "You wanna get out of here?"
"Uh, yea. I think I'll go home, now."
"Really?" Jack frowned in disappointment, but nodded and guided Will through the apartment, and to the front door. He stopped briefly to say goodbye to Noah and Frank, before leaving. The two descended the stairs, one lost in thought, the other watching closely.
"I can't believe Spring Break is already over!" Jack whined, his eyes turned upward, to the stars. "Then it's back to the same old thing, with the same old stupid people!"
"Its only several more weeks Jack. And then we'll have the whole summer."
"But then summer will be over, and we'll be back in school again!"
"Well, we've got so much to do during that time."
Jack looked at Will and smiled. 'He's so good looking. I wonder what he really thinks of me...' He sighed and pulled his sweater tighter around himself.
Jack woke with a small smile and he stretched out across his bed. He had the most pleasant dream. It was quickly forgotten however as he remembered just what day it was. 'Blegh! Monday. I don't want to go to school!' He whined lightly as he rolled off the bed and onto the carpet beside the dresser.
'Back to the same stupid people! I wonder what I should wear.' He fished around the bottom drawer for a pair of socks, and clean pair of underwear. He was confused to find only two pairs.
"Mom?" He called downstairs.
"Yes?"
"Did you do the laundry?"
"Yes!" She shouted back. Jack stared at the drawer, a baffled look on his face.
"Im missing stuff!"
When Jack stepped into the school hall, everything seemed deathly silent. He wasn't sure if it was due to his arrival or if something had happened. Jack glanced around, curious as to why people were not as boisterous as usual. Students whispered among themselves, looking restless and confused.
'I wonder what's going on.' he thought and caught sight of Vicky walking past him, deep in thought.
"Hey Vicky." He stopped her.
"Oh, hi Jack." she answered, blinking twice at Jack, as if she was seeing him for the first time. She adjusted her bookbag and smiled weakly up at him.
"Why is everyone acting so weird?"
"Didn't you hear?" She frowned in disbelief.
"Hear what?"
"About James Gilmore?"
"What about him?" Jack asked, a dark and heavy feeling descending on him.
"He killed himself last week."
"Wh-what?" Jack breathed out, completely taken by surprise. He nearly lost his balance upon hearing those words. "He what? Are you sure?"
"Yes Jack. They found him in his room, he-"
"No! No! Don't tell me!" Jack put a hand up and leaned against a locker, feeling very faint. It felt like the whole world was trembling. And he was cold. Why was he feeling pained? Why was he even bothered by this? At first there was shock, and then he felt guilt. Guilty! Why?
'What should I be feeling guilty for? He did this to himself!' Jack shuddered involuntarily. All the whining, all the hatred he felt towards James felt so pointless! So irrelevant! 'Why did he do this? Why would he do such a thing?' Jack felt the sting of tears in his eyes and he almost wanted to shove Vicky for telling him this. He wanted to run out of the school and scream at everyone who crossed his path. He wanted to tell them it wasn't true; that James hadn't done such a stupid thing, and that he was coming to school, and he was going to be his usual pain-in-the-ass self again.
"Jack? Are you okay?" she asked with concern. "Did you know James or something?"
"No. No I didn't." He looked around aimlessly for a few seconds, before retreating into the boys restroom. Quickly, he went into a stall, stifling the sobs that threatened to come about. A wave of nausea fell over him, and he kept demanding; 'Why? Why?'
'This doesn't make sense! He was not supposed to go and do this! Who does he think he is? The selfish prick! That stupid bastard!' He rocked back and forth, burying his face in his bookbag.
"...bastard!" He murmured, suddenly furious with James and his cowardice. 'Who would go and do this anyway? Just because... '
Jack stilled. "no, no its not my fault." He whispered fervently. 'Its not! He was the one who did this to himself!'
'Its his own fault!' Jack ran out of the bathroom, down the hall, back to the exit. A cold fear was spreading through him, and he felt if he didn't get out of there soon, all those curious and wondering people will begin questioning him. He sped across the park, trampling over the bed of flowers and stumbling over the wet blades of grass beneath him. 'Its all his fault!' he shook his head furiously, hoping to clear it of any guilt.
He collapsed in the entrance to his house, and let out a shaky breath. "Its not my fault. I didn't do anything." he told himself.
'And that's precisely why this happened. You didn't do anything that could have prevented this.'
'He was not my responsibility! I can't be feeling sorry for someone who was such a cruel person! for someone who made my life a living hell for the past several months!'
'You knew what he was going through. And you laughed to yourself, happy that he was suffering. You were happy he was in so much pain.'
'I was in much more pain! I couldn't help him, when he was everything I hated!' he moaned aloud and once again buried his face in the cloth of his bookbag. "I hate him..." he cried. Just then all self reproach was interrupted by a worried voice.
"Jack? What's the matter, are you sick?"
Jack looked up at his mother, whimpering pitifully and nodding his head. She closed the door and crouched beside him.
"Come on, I'll make you something warm to eat." She took his hand and led him to the sofa in the TV room. As she went into the kitchen, Jack numbly kicked off his shoes, and removed his jacket. He wriggled around on the couch, burring into the cushions and attempting to get comfortable. But he felt nothing could possibly give him any solace. The pain and anger was consuming him. He laid there staring at the blank television screen.
'What if he had dreams?'
'Just like yours?'
'What if he had really cared about someone? About that girl? Like the way Will cared about Grace?'
'What if he was just as scared as Will was?'
As his mother returned, Jack sat up slightly. He watched her place the tray of food on coffee table in front of the sofa. She smiled thinly at him, before grabbing her coat.
"Im going to work now Jack. If you need anything just call me alright?"
Jack watched the steam rise from his bowl of oatmeal. He remained still for how long, he couldn't tell. But after a while, he did notice there was no longer steam coming from the bowl. He shuddered once again, curling up on the cushions once more.
Sleep claimed him after a long while of thinking and dreading. He slept a thick and dreamless sleep, that lasted until midday. But he awoke suddenly and in an icy panic; as if someone had hurled a bucket of water on him. His eyes moved to the clock and he wondered why he was choosing to be so alone. It would have been smart to call Frank or Will, or his mother, even. But what if they laid blame on him? What if they discovered how truly guilty he was? He shivered and stood up.
"What am I supposed to do now?" he asked the silent room. "What am I going to do?"
How could he return to school? To all those people who in some way or another, cared about James, cared about who he spoke to and who he befriended before this happened? What if they suspected him? He sat down heavily in an armchair, almost reliving everything he had gone through regarding James. He seemed so tough, so angry, so full of himself, Jack would never have believed he would take such action to rid himself of the shame and denial that came with who he was... or who he didn't want to be.
"This isn't my fault." Jack said, this time believing it. He was determined to convince himself of this. But for now, it was still much too difficult to fathom.
Yesterday the school held a memorial service for James. I didn't go of course. Its been five days since I found out what happened, and Im still not sure whether I should be sad or not. I shouldn't care at all. I shouldn't feel anything. But I do. I feel mostly angry. I mean I didn't even know James! All I knew was that he hated me, and that he hated himself! How could I cry for someone who did what he did? I shouldn't be crying! But why have I been doing it?
I haven't told anyone about it. Not Will, not Noah, no one. If I told them, they would know everything. I need to be by myself, or they would notice something wrong. And I don't want Will worrying over me.